Original subtitles

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[announcer] Live from Hollywood, California,

it's the 90th annual Academy Awards.

Please welcome your host, Jimmy Kimmel.

Not tonight!

I wanted to deliver the Oscars monologue.

The Russian bots did their thing and here I am!

So many great movies this year.

I watched "Get Out" sitting next to Jeff Sessions.

The guy wouldn't stop taking notes

and smiling like he's in a toothpaste commercial.

You know, I actually didn't see "Call Me by Your Name."

If I wanted to see a lanky boy get screwed on foreign soil,

I'd hang out with Jared Kushner.

I hope you're happy, "Call Me by Your Name."

Your trailer killed Billy Graham.

I liked The "Shape of Water."

That fish man had it all ...

mute wife, soaks in a bathtub all day.

Doesn't wake up to exits being widened

- so staff can quit in groups. - Oh.

I'm gonna miss my ladybird Hope Hicks.

Anyways, huge fan of Pixar's "Coco" or any movie

about a bunch of singing and dancing dead Mexicans.

But no movie has been more captivating

than the one that we feel like we can't wake up from ...

my presidency.

And I announced this week that I'm running again in 2020.

[Woods] Whoo!

Thank you, James Woods. Someone put James in a movie.

"Bridesmaids" did for women

what his next film will do for dipshits!

No. Cast my wife, Louise Linton.

She can play everything from an upscale doorknob

to a load-bearing column.

Anyways, tonight let's also remember those we lost. [Music]

Take it away, Mikey.

? Oh, Danny boy ?

- Oh, there's Harvey. The big one. - The pipes, the pipes are calling #

I forgot Spacey went this year.

? From glen to glen ?

Tambor! Did not see that one coming.

? And down the mountain side ?

Brett Ratner. Absolutely saw that one coming.

- The summer's gone - Louis C.K. [clicks tongue]

- Went down doing what he loved. - And all the roses falling

[President Trump] James Woods! I just saw him!

Makes you think ... how much longer do I have?!

[announcer] More from the Academy Awards when we return.

1x05 - State Dinner

Russia had nothing to do with this episode.

[Music]

[announcer] You're watching CNN,

which, at this point, amounts to a political act.

[reporter] The White House state dinner,

an elegant Washington tradition,

a time for our President

to welcome visiting heads of state,

and for international leaders to...

[heavy metal music plays] ...butt heads, lock horns,

and clench their teeth!

In one corner, the Count of Canada, Professor Pretty.

It's Prime Minister Justin Trudeau. Yeah!

And in the other corner, the Man with the Iron Colon,

Boom-Boom Bone Spurs ...

It's the Italian Sandwich.

President Donald J. Trump!

[bell dings]

What's this now?

The state dinner. We talked about this.

- You're hosting it. - I thought when I became President,

I wouldn't have to listen to anyone, including myself.

So, this whole state dinner should be, like,

one of these walks in the park I've read about.

And Trudeau ...

he's not even President of Canada.

Whose coffee do you have to screw up to become Prime Minister?

Sir, I think we should take this more seriously.

This will strengthen the bond that we'll need

when you ignite a world conflict while seated on the toilet.

Look what happened when we took the moon mission seriously.

All we got was a bunch of ugly rocks

while the moon's strutting around the galaxy

with our sweet-ass flag.

Forget Trudeau. Nobody important cares about him.

Holy shit! Trudeau is coming?

Let me guess ... He's one of your

pillhead-turned-venture- capitalist friends.

You're thinking of Derek, Bingo, and Derek P.

Trudeau's, like, the coolest world leader.

- He's basically my long-lost brother. - Earth to Don Jr. ...

your real brother is right here.

And if this Trudeau guy is so much cooler than me,

why hasn't he scored free shoes for life

after getting backed over by a Payless truck?

Oh, I don't know. Maybe 'cause he's not a dipshit.

Boys, boys. Keep going.

[uplifting music]

[President Trump screaming]

[President Trump groaning]

[groaning, screaming]

Donald! Are you all right?

I haven't heard screams like that since

Jeff Sessions saw photos of Harriet Tubman on money.

You think I'd be in better shape

after all those years on the golf course,

carting around, slamming into groundskeepers.

Is this because Justin Trudeau is visiting,

and he has cute dimples, and his skin isn't the color

of an abandoned rusted wagon wheel forgotten by history?

He's not that great.

Last election, I had to beat "Crooked Hillary."

Who did he beat?

Probably some uptight, honey-glazed salmon.

Donald, why must you turn someone as innocent

and graceful as Justin Trudeau into an opponent?

At the risk of making a suggestion, you could become friends.

Donny boy, take it from your old man ...

A friend is just someone you haven't fired yet.

When you need a friend, do what I do ...

buy a cigar and name it.

Isn't that right, David?

So, my father taught me there's no difference

between friends and enemies.

I still turned out incredibly emotionally secure.

I mean, I'm no David, but who is?

[stately music]

Why do you wanna be friends with this Trudeau loser?

His hair curls. It's unnatural.

Real hair looks like a handful of damp linguine.

He's the son of a world leader, like me,

so he knows what it's like to live with strict rules,

like don't do the jerking-off hand motion,

don't leave your Oakleys on the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier.

These are our struggles, Eric.

But we have a good thing going, Don.

We're like a stool perfectly balanced on two legs.

A third leg could throw off everything.

Ehh! Wrong!

When Trudeau joins us,

our stool's gonna be so awesome that every woman

will want to bang it, and every dude will want to fight it.

Guys, I don't think I can make the state dinner.

I... can't find a sitter for Eric.

Sir, I know this Trudeau fella

has taken the wind out of your skin flaps,

but this is no time for self-doubt.

I hesitate to weaponize the deep insecurities

that prevent you from enjoying even a moment of REM sleep,

but your father, Fred Trump ...

He would have taken down Trudeau.

Oh. Oh, no!

Memories from my childhood are boiling up again!

Here they come!

Oh! Ohh! Oh, God.

All right, now let's bury him deep so they only appear

as angry spasms that disrupt international order!

And... they're down!

Whoo! Okay.

I don't want to see those any time soon.

So let's drop a sandbag in front of that tidal wave

of emotional trauma by beating Justin Trudeau!

[triumphant music]

[Music]

The state dinner with Justin Trudeau

will begin with an official welcome reception,

then it's dinner with guests of honor,

a toast, followed by entertainment.

Want to head this off at the pass ...

we are not fielding requests

for the entertainment portion of the evening.

I've gone ahead and booked my favorite band ...

H.R. And The McMasters.

Ah, we're an alt-rock, hip-hop, experimental

kind of "singer-songwritery" thing.

If you guys like rock,

Karen just bought me a wind chime.

On the side, I am DJ Shitdirge.

I spin at Fjord Fest, an underground, all-Nordic Coachella...

Okay, enough with the self-promotion, people.

That's not what we do

at the Donald J. Trump Organization's White House.

Thank you, Mr. President.

Now that we've decided that H.R. And The McMasters

will be the entertainment, let's discuss the intelligence dossier

on Justin Pierre James Trudeau.

Strengths ... collaborates with world leaders,

reads his briefings, and runs a sub-two-hour mile.

Jesus, is this guy the Terminator?

Weaknesses ... Distracts people with his good looks

so that they fail to see the kind, intelligent soul

he longs to share with the world.

Also, baseball bats to his trachea!

Gentlemen, my training starts today.

And don't take it easy on me just because I stabilize my mood

with a daily dose of 30 Diet Cokes.

Look, apparently this state dinner needs guests of honor.

That's where you two come in.

Oh, we would love to be your guests of honor.

Whoa, whoa, whoa! First things first ...

What animals are we riding in on, and when do we get to eat them?

We're not honoring you two.

They don't give out awards for overbites

or getting into Ubers with open containers.

We need Canadian celebrities,

and it's gonna be tough to find them.

They don't have our talent pool ...

great Americans like Drake and Jim Carrey.

So just book someone shaped like a big leaf

or a guy with frostbite.

Sir, our dossier indicates that Prime Minister Trudeau

will likely, to assert his dominance,

violently shake your hand.

So, we've recruited a member of Congress

with an extremely strong grip.

Ted Cruz! That's right.

Texas is all about the firm handshake.

But to learn it, ya first gotta master the mental game.

Give your partner a nice smile.

Next, tell him that only thing

preventing him from losing his arm

is the demented mind of a madman.

Last, thrash around like you have a marble inside ya

- and only five seconds to dig it out. - Let's just skip to the practice.

We haven't even discussed electrifying your hand

by shoving a frayed extension cord right up your keister.

[Donald] Ugh! Damn it!

None of these snowflake Canadian celebrities

want to party with us.

You ban a billion Muslims and, all the sudden,

people think you don't know how to throw down.

It's time to do what we always do ...

go to Mom's house until Dad feels isolated

and bribes us to come home.

Wait, Eric. We're gonna do something

we've never done before.

Roll down the window before vomiting in the "Uber?"

No, we're gonna keep trying after encountering a slight setback.

Okay, Daddy, with state dinners,

subtlety is the name of the game. [Music]

I'm thinking maple tones, muted red accents,

springtime in Saskatchewan.

Subtlety might have worked for the Trump Taj Mahal

or those "Lock her up" chants,

but I think I wanna be a little "in your face" this time.

I want something that screams "America."

Oh. So more reds, whites, and blues?

More beef. I want an all-cow affair.

I'm talking luxurious slabs of Angus,

goblets of milk,

leather-bound menus full of slaughterhouse photos.

You know, beef lollipops, build-your-own-beef-sundae bar,

sirloin volcano.

We're gonna show those Saskatcha-wieners

how real Americans guzzle cow juice.

- Sir, that sounds like a nightmare. - Fine. Also, balloons.

[Eric] Aww, Jared, you look, actually, very pretty.

So, you can't get Canadian celebrities,

and now I have to dress up as all of them?

You know what? I don't even know why I'm complaining.

I mean, at this point, I'm the human equivalent

of an abandoned sedan full of yellow newspapers.

Uh, cool. So during the welcome, you'll need to be

in hair and girdle as William Shatner,

and then for cocktail hour, you're Justin Bieber.

At the toast, Shania Twain, and by the end of the night,

you're Ellen Page or C�line Dion.

It's your choice. We're not picky.

We are, uh, just moments away from Justin Trudeau's arrival.

Inside sources say that the President is, uh...

"Feeling way too confident for a man

who solidified his world view at age 14."

Oh, and here comes the Prime Minister now.

[Limousine approaching]

[stately music]

[press] Whoa! Prime Beefcake!

Welcome to America, where the rich are rich,

the poor are poor, and the middle class are poor.

It's terrific. This is my guy. I love him.

Put 'Er there, Trudeau.

I'm gonna introduce you

to each and every tendon in your rotator cuff.

Handshake? But we don't know each other yet.

Hello. I'm Canada's Justin Trudeau.

I'm the Prime Minister. That's like your President.

I'm excited to talk about Canada's ten provinces.

That's like your states. [chuckles]

Time for the hand dance.

[grunting]

[dramatic music]

[grunts softly]

[grunts] [chuckles]

[screams] Splendid. Meet you inside, fellow friend.

Don! You didn't listen.

I specifically told you

to ship an electrical wire down to Louisi-anus!

Thank you. It's a pleasure to be here.

And I look forward to continuing our great nation's tradition

of mutual cooperation.

Je vous remercie.

C'est un plaisir d'être ici et j'ai hâte De poursuivre

la tradition De coop�ration mutuelle De nos...

Wow. Thanks. To put it a smart way ...

Canada, a nation of Ted Kaczynskis.

You ever look in the woods and see a guy living in there?

That's their whole country. And I'll translate that, as well.

Biz-dee-doop-dee-doop- Dee-doo-bon-boop-ab-alosh-

fondue-shmeep-shmoo-shmop- ratatouille-Matt-leBlanc.

I guess what I'm saying is, "A foreigner's a foreigner, folks."

I don't make the rules. Cheers!

Uh, Justin Bieber can toast to that.

Before everyone dives into

their 42-ounce cowboy steak appetizers,

I'm proud to present the inaugural award

for North American Excellence. And the award goes to...

Wow. It's Donald J. Trump.

[applause]

Congratulations, Donald.

As for me, I'd like to announce that I'm donating my salary

to a new charity that installs breast pumps

in every cubicle in Canada, and ... Why not? ... the world.

[cheers and applause]

This guy's donating to charities

that don't follow the money back to himself?

- Fucking weirdo. - He can't be weird.

He's a man in power.

[piano music]

There he is. Ha ha.

Don Jr., son of Donald J. Trump.

So far, this interaction is going very well.

So many "Ha has."

Onward and Northward. That's my motto.

I have many mottos and am happy

to verbalize them at a moment's notice.

Holy shit. I fucking hate him.

Really? Now that I see him up close,

I kinda think he's the definition of cool.

Wake up, Eric. He's a poser.

And it falls upon me to protect

the Intergalactic Fellowship of Good Dude-Bros ...

the guys who talk too loud in locker rooms,

the guys who get 18 haircuts a month,

the guys who only leave the club

when it's time to chase after their crying girlfriends.

Oh, my God. I'm so glad I found you guys.

Trudeau's asking about Canadian celebrities.

Tell me you got all three of 'em!

Dad, we got the biggest fish of them all.

Meet Advil Liqui-Gel.

- Avril Lavigne. - Wow, so many emotions ...

joy, satisfaction, impact.

Canada's native daughter, right before the outsides of my eyes.

It's very cold in Canada, eh?

- What's your deal, dude? - Oh. I understand.

You may have noticed that I'm extremely charming

and fun to converse with.

That's because I figured with President Obama out of office,

it's my turn to be the world's most adored leader. Ha ha!

So, I spend every day as a living, breathing,

- inspirational poster. - I know.

- Come again, young friend? - I know you suck.

Tell this entire party that you're a geek,

or if you don't, I do it for you.

I'm giving you until, uh, 8 p.m.

Whoo-hoo! I love deadlines.

I can feel it, boys! [laughs]

After this gig, we can finally quit our day jobs.

Thank God. This place is a hellhole.

[cellphone rings]

Sorry, it's the missus ... gotta take it.

Hey, man! This isn't some air strike over Kandahar.

- This is important! - Just because you're the front man

doesn't mean you can boss me around. I still outrank you.

We agreed that when we pick up these instruments,

we're all the same rank.

Oh, really? If we're all the same rank,

why is the band named after you?

Tell me what you want to name the band!

Huh? After your wife?

I just received high-level intelligence

confirming that you guys are a bunch of dicks.

That's it. Ugh!

Mmm. I hope this beef enjoys being eaten

as much as I enjoy eating it.

There's a second plate I'm quite looking forward to.

Second plate? I'm already on my third, fourth, and fifth.

[munching ravenously]

[chokes] Aaah! [dramatic music]

Uh-oh. The President of the United States is choking.

Cameras, come quick!

[dramatic music]

Argh!

It was my pleasure. [cheering]

And you Americans scoffed at our government-sponsored

bone-danger seminars.

[camera shutters clicking]

I once paid to have a cow pushed off a cliff by a big shovel.

Thought it would be funny. It was just okay.

[President Trump] All right, people.

Unfortunately, Billy Joel's helicopter

crash-landed on Elton John's Fiat,

and they're feeling a little under the weather.

So in their stead, please welcome

"H.R. And The McMasters."

In case you haven't heard, H.R. And The McMasters

have decided to take an indefinite hiatus

due to the fact that General Kelly

- is completely whipped. - Oh, fuck you.

No! I think we have a quorum

that this is, indeed, a bummer.

Luckily, I brought my acoustic guitar.

Who would like to hear an inspirational song?

I think I speak for everyone when I say "me."

This one goes out to Second Lady Karen Pence.

Something just happened down below. Help!

? Hey, Malala, dry your eyes ? [plays guitar]

? No need to cry ?

? Because Justin Trudeau wants you to know ?

? The future is female ?

? The future is just for girls ?

? Men are no longer number one ?

[growls]

? So, ladies, let's have some fun ?

? 'Cause as soon as my term is done ?

? The future will be female ?

[audience cheering]

Gimme that thing! Excuse me, excuse me.

Interrupting. Interruption.

Sound the traitor alarm,

because there's a traitor in our midst.

[audience gasps] Uh-oh. Gotta go.

We cool people work hard on our craft ...

drinking Natty Ice, dangling our keys above a valet's palm

while explaining how expensive our car is.

And a man at this party has been appropriating cool culture

for his own gain all night ...

Justin Trudeau. Arrest him!

[audience gasps] Trudeau is the man!

And another thing ... I don't know if we have

any Juno fans at the party,

but that's, uh, not the real Ellen Page.

It's Jared Kushner. [audience gasps]

Yeah, okay, I'm out-y, homeskillet.

Don, what the hell are you doing?!

This night was perfect until you ruined it!

[somber music]

I'm starting to think the evening's getting away from me.

I gotta violate some norms or it's like this night never happened.

May I have this dance with the First Lady?

Oh, no, you don't, Trudeau.

If anyone's dancing, it's gonna be me and me alone.

Oh, Donald, please don't do it.

All right, clear the dance floor.

Turn off the music. It's time for me to dance.

? Da-da-da-da, da-da-da-da, doo-bee, doo-bee, doo ?

? Boo-boo, Ba-la ?

Daddy, this is the first time you've ever embarrassed me.

? Ba-looly, booly, booly, la-la, do-loo-loo-loo ?

[back cracks]

Oh, God. I told you ... bone spurs are no joke!

[siren wails in distance]

[somber music]

Tonight, is, uh, the night that Justin Trudeau

finally became President of the United States.

So, if you're just joining us,

we spent the first half of the show

chronicling, mm, the last 500 years of humankind

to lay the groundwork for this important point ...

I like Donald Trump less than Justin Trudeau.

Folks, what the mainstream media says you saw last night

at the state dinner was a dream, okay?

Fake dream. You hallucinated it

because you've been eating too close to bedtime.

- Don't do it, Don! - If Trudeau is cool,

then everything I stand for must be uncool.

Hand me my Vineyard Vine Nantucket Reds.

I said hand me my Nantucket Reds!

[dramatic music]

Begone, coolest of pants.

May your rise from the ashes in another thousand years

when the badass dudes inherit the Earth.

- Now give me the salmon ones. - Don, no!

What are you gonna wear to clambakes

a-and to watch women's intramural volleyball games?

Where I'm going, Eric, there are no clambakes,

nor crab boils or horse barbecues.

[Music ends]

Why would the President's son

accuse a state dinner guest of being a poser?

This hero who saved his father's life

and revealed an impressive eight-pack.

Mmm. Daddy like.

Sexuality is a spectrum.

[suspenseful music]

[Donald] Pause. Okay, rewind.

Freeze! What the h...

Well, butt chug me sideways.

[Music]

Uh!

J'accuse, bitch. What's wrong?

You didn't know that I knew fake words?

What is this all about?

- It's about this. - Why would that be a problem?

It's just your run-of-the-mill cow bone.

Look at us. We're having a good laugh about this. Ha ha.

I've hunted cows. That's not a cow bone.

I had it tested by the highest-ranking military officials,

because that's the type of work they're resigned to now.

It's a moose bone.

You put it in my meal knowing I never look at my food,

causing me to choke, bringing shame to a nation

who expects me to keep my mood stable!

[Music]

Dad and Don are very mad at you.

Okay, it's true.

But before you besmirch my good name,

please know my whole life,

I've lived in the shadow of my father,

the former Prime Minister ... that's like your President ...

of Canada, which has ten provinces.

- They're our version of your U.S. states. - States. We know.

I mean, what's with this guy?

Let's get this over with and rat him out to Fox News.

Don Jr., you understand the pressures faced by men

in the shadow of exceptional fathers.

Please, allow me the dignity

to address these past misdeeds on my own terms.

You know, it's hard to be as cool as your dad

when your dad is the coolest.

I mean, look at him. [dog barking]

J-Tru, you've betrayed your chill,

but, Dad, you gotta let him come clean.

[dog barking, music plays]

[dog barking, music plays]

[stately music]

I planted the moose bone.

It was a harmless prank that went too far.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

tears are about to come out of my eyes,

revealing that I am not only handsome,

but also quite vulnerable.

[voice breaking] I'm so, so sorry.

Look at my abs. So sorry.

- Abs. Abs. So sorry. - [President Trump] Loser!

It's true ... I strengthened America,

and I couldn't have done it without you guys,

especially you, Don.

My father put a lot of pressure on me

to outdo others, but luckily,

I never inherited a sense of unreasonable hostility.

Now let's watch the media torch this loser!

That was Prime Minister Justin Trudeau

revealing to the world that he deployed certain tactics

to outdo President Trump in a press conference

that has received 98% approval.

Fake news.

Justin Trudeau comes out of his press conference

- more popular than ever... - Also fake news.

Welcome back. It's Benghazi o'clock.

The Prime Minister Justin Trudeau

press conference never happened, okay?

His refreshing honesty definitely didn't make him

look like the rightful leader of the free world, okay?

- Not you, Hannity. There's no way! - [Kelly] Sir.

[dramatic music]

[Trudeau] "Thank you for falling right into my trap.

Yes, I did it all."

Uh-oh. The President of the United States is choking.

[grunts]

[Music]

Time for the hand dance.

[groaning]

Meet you inside.

...tradition of mutual cooperation.

Je vous remercie. [echoing] Je vous remercie.

[cellphone rings]

- Sorry, it's the missus. - Ugh!

? Ladies, let's have some fun ?

[audience cheering]

[Trudeau] "And I wanted that press conference

because I knew that confession ...

with its fake tears and real abs ...

would catapult me to the top of the leaderboard."

[Hannity] ...the rightful leader of the free world.

[Trudeau] "And guess what. You operated the catapult,

and you didn't even know it. Ha ha!

We Canadians are a friendly people,

so it is with great difficulty

that I declare you an a-hole of the highest order.

P.S. I hated that beef! Trudeau."

Wow. I think we all learned a valuable lesson.

Never make friends!

They'll only be extremely jealous of you.

And because I just learned something,

I guess I did beat Trudeau.

Uh, Dad, what are you talking about?

You just got your ass flamed by a douchelord.

Don! You're right! Call Paul Ryan.

We're gonna need money for another wall!

['80s-style pop music plays] Donald Trump is the president

? Donald Trump is the president ?

? Is Donald Trump the president? ?

? Yes, he is ?

? Yes, he is, we elected him president ?

? Is Donald Trump the president? ?

? Yes, he is ?

? We had a vote and elected him president ?

? Donald Trump is the president ?

? Donald Trump ?

? He is our president ?

? We made him president ?

? We did it ?

? Donald Trump is the president ?

? We elected Donald Trump ?

? Donald Trump is the president ?

? Donald Trump is the president ?

[vocalizing] Yeah

Trump!

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