All language subtitles for Our Cartoon President s01e04 1Family Leave.eng

~ Addic7ed.com ~

[music]

I'm Wolf Blitzer.
This studio is my home.

I'm standing inches from my bed.
Let's go live to

the Conservative
Political Action Conference,

where President Trump is speaking

while avoiding eye contact
with the breakfast buffet.

[President Trump]
Good morning, supporters,

disgraced sheriffs,
spineless pastors,

French Nazis,

and, of course,
schizophrenic YouTubers!

People are saying the Republican
party lacks integrity,

and I say, "Don't you talk
about Mitt Romney like that!"

Welcome to my
endorsement club, Mitt.

You're seated next to Roy
Moore and his "nieces."

As a Mormon,
Mitt can't drink coffee,

but apparently,
he can spit-shine my nipples

all the way to the
United States Senate!

[cheering]
[man] Party of Lincoln!

[President Trump] But look.
I want to make sure

that only mentally stable people
can buy a gun

that would've single-handedly

brought the Roman empire
to its knees.

That's why I consulted the top minds

near the Mar-A-Lago
wet-towel bin ...

three buck-naked guys
named Murray.

And Murray, with
the second-biggest dong,

mentioned that Australia
banned big guns,

and now it's overrun with scorpions
and crocodiles! Not much better.

Speaking of reptiles, NRA
sweetheart Wayne LaPierre is here.

Waiter, bring Wayne a wet nap.

He's got blood all over his hands.

Do you know how complicit
Wayne LaPierre is?

[audience]
How complicit is he?!

[President Trump]
Wayne LaPierre is so complicit,

Poland just made it illegal
to talk about him.

Ah, we love Wayne, don't we?
Good guy with a tough job.

Devin Nunes!
Get him a seltzer, will you?

Hurry up, you putz!

[music]

1x04 - Family Leave

[Eagle screeches]
Cool.

[music]

You know,
the mainstream media

makes it sound like
no women support me.

But did you know that 52%
of white women voted for me?

That means, between Hillary and Chelsea,

I got one of them
and 2% of the other.

And here's a white woman who
doesn't just make children,

she makes jobs for children.

Please welcome America's
daughter, Ivanka Trump!

[cheers and applause]

American working women,
after far too many years,

are finally being judged
for what they can do,

- not just for their appearance.
- Isn't she beautiful, folks?!

Give 'em a twirl, honey!
Come on!

[cheers and applause]

And that means more women
than ever are getting jobs.

[chuckles] Right, ladies?
Woot, woot.

That's why programs such as
paid family leave are so vital.

- Uh, the end.
- Wow! I don't know

what the hell she was talking about,

but she looked good
doing it, right, folks?

[upbeat whistling]

? Three white people on a couch ?

? It's "Fox & Friends" ?

Did you see Donald
and Ivanka's rally?

What a great relationship
between those two!

I tell you, watching that rally

was the best thing
that's happened to me

since I learned where to
put the gas in my car.

No kidding. I've never been in
a more flammable back seat.

Wow! They all really
liked it, Daddy.

Yeah, but Kilmeade's
the one that matters.

He swallowed
two Daytime Emmys.

Jared, can you believe
Chelsea Clinton got invited

to the Glamour Woman of the
Year Awards and I didn't?

And the Bush twins got invited

to Sheryl Sandberg's
Festival of "Leaning."

WhatTheHell.com, promo code
"bullshit" is going on here?

Gee, uh, I can't believe your entire
social circle's turning against you

just because your dad made
eating Taco Bell a subversive act.

Okay. So my dad said some
naughty things about Mexicans.

That doesn't mean
I believe those facts.

So, here's what I'm thinking, Ivanka.

You, me, tour bus ...
Ivanka/Donald Road Show.

You know, just sort of
bounce back and forth

- between Skokie and Charlottesville.
- Uhh... I'd love to,

but between making the future
female and hustling 24/7,

I'm booked solid.

- Daddy?
- Sorry. You lost me at "book."

But I heard enough to know that
you don't want to go. Fine.

More frothed-up mobs for me.

Daddy, do we have to do this
in front of everyone?

Honey, there are no leaks
in this room.

The media only gets quotes from
unnamed White House sources.

I filled my Cabinet with nothing
but people who have names.

Dad, I'm the only one of your kids

you've never had to bail
out of SeaWorld jail,

so the least you can do is
allow me to protect the company

I worked so hard to pay
other people to create!

I love moments like this that bring

my 40 years of military service to bear,

but I just want to remind you
that our intelligence indicates

that a Turkish splinter group
is trying to obtain a nuclear warhead.

Hey, so long as they don't hit Skokie

and Charlottesville, we're good.

[music]

- Sir?
- Sorry. It's only a jumbo size.

No, sir. These two ...
what are they doing here?

Oh, them?
Well, as I'm sure you all know,

since you visit IvankaTrump.com
every morning like I ordered,

my daughter's busy launching her
new line of cowl-neck sweaters.

I hear cowl necks are gonna be
hot this year, Mr. President!

Anyway, she's out, they're in.
Just pretend they aren't here.

- Worked for me for 18 years.
- Fine.

Let's begin with the contested
territory of Turkestan ...

- What are our options?
- I didn't say what the problem was.

We should send in SEAL Team Six!

It's too risky, Eric!
Those soldiers have families!

Well, if we don't do something now,

tomorrow, those territorials
will be at our goddamn door!

What the hell are you two
talking about?

We're talking about the
future of the free world.

We're talking about the land
General Washington saw

when he crested
the Rocky Mountains,

the land that inspired him
to turn to Lincoln and say,

"Holy shit.
Can you believe this shit?

This place is dope.
Was that a yak?

Did I just invent the word 'yak'?"

So I will ask you again ...
are you in or are you out?

- I'm in!
- McMaster! You just ...

Mr. President,
patch things up with Ivanka.

[Melania] Are you staying up
to see if Brian Kilmeade

eats the cookies and milk
you left on the TV?

I miss when she and I would
go to fancy benefits

for whatever progressive cause

rich people were paying
lip service to that week.

Maybe Ivanka would want to
spend more time with you

if your views weren't so...
against hers?

You're right. There comes
a time in every presidency

when he must choose between
the love of his daughter

and the satisfaction of making

an incendiary nationalist
powder keg go kaboom.

It's a choice I must make alone.

Give me till dawn.

[music]

Tell me what to do.

Tell me how a president
balances his family life

with his obligation to demonize
the margins of society.

I love you, Daddy!

[chanting]
Jews will not replace us!

What would you do?

[music]

[insects chirping]

[birds chirping]

Melania, I'm going to abandon
my previously held beliefs

in service of what I want right now.

I'm going to be so progressive

that my daughter
has to take me back.

Thanks, George.

[music]

Look, we need ideas to
win over women like Ivanka.

So what do women want?
Stephen Miller.

To be demeaned and then seduced!

To just be friends until things
get less crazy for them at work!

The thing about women is they
have delightfully large feet,

and so what they're really
looking for is ankle kickstands

to make sure they do not fall

when walking on the side
of windy rivers.

I know I'm only
Second Lady Karen Pence,

but women just want a paperboy
who doesn't look like he swears,

Enya on the Discman, and, on
the occasional Thursday night,

a movie with Richard Gere!
Ooh!

- Ooh!
- Oh, my God! I love Mr. Gere!

- Oh, my God.
- All right.

I'm not gonna let this devolve
into another Gere-fest.

Mr. President,
Ivanka passed along

a proposal in support
of paid family leave.

I would've given it to you,
but it only had one picture,

and due to its lack of cool
spaceships, I chose not to share it.

Mm. Paid family leave.
Would women want that?

Speaking as a woman ...

- Definitely!
- They're gonna love it!

They'll take what we give
them, and they'll like it.

[music]

President Trump's come out in
support of a paid family leave bill.

Working moms shouldn't risk
bankruptcy to care for babies.

It's called family values, people.

And you know what
the Democrats want?

To use babies on Big Wheels
to deliver kale smoothies

to their ivory-tower loft parties
where they're watching TED talks

and listening to NPR about
how genders are fluid?

You got all that right.

And they also want babies
to be taken care of...

- [whispers] by the unions.
- Brian, you're awfully quiet over there.

Tell the people your thoughts
on paid family leave.

I'm just trying to wrap
the old noggin around

why we're okay with moms
taking Trump's handouts

and we call moms who
accept other handouts

crack-addicted parasites.

[Laughs]
We'll let you get back to that!

After the break, a creationist chef

teaches us how to un-kosher beef.

[music]

We need parents taking care
of babies, people. Am I right?

I mean, right now,
babies get sick,

Mommy and Daddy are at work,

baby puts on a hat and coat
and hitchhikes to treatment.

No good. This one's
personal for me, folks.

Eric got the sniffles
when he was a baby,

so I dunked his head
in a bucket of Robitussin.

Imagine if I wasn't there.

The world would've been robbed
of those beautiful gums!

Speaking of beautiful, Ivanka,
come on up, honey. Come on.

Family is the foundation of society.

Without family, there can
be no "family" subsection

on your e-commerce website.
Applause.

We're reporters, ma'am.

Pretty quiet out there today, Bri.

For a guy without any lips, you
sure know how to keep yours sealed.

Sorry, Doocy.
I-It's just ...

I'm having trouble understanding
the logic of Trump's bill.

Is it called "paid family leave"
because it gives businesses

the power to deny employees
birth control

even after they leave the company?

Because I can praise that for days.

Brian, the best way to
understand our President

isn't through logic ...
it's through faith.

Right.
If the President is doing it,

he must be doing it for a reason.

It can't just be random.
[chuckles nervously]

Because if it is...

[insects buzzing]

Guh! Oh, God.

Pull yourself together, Kilmeade!

Sir, I don't know how
else to say this, [music]

but a Turkish splinter group
has gained control

of a fully operational
nuclear missile silo.

- Yipes!
- If the group detect any resistance,

they've vowed
to send those birds

straight to New York City,
Los Angeles,

and Colonial Williamsburg
for some reason.

Should we send in SEAL Team Six

and potentially lose
two metropolitan cities

and a bunch of butter-churners,

or do the unthinkable and launch
a preemptive nuclear strike?

Uh-huh... [chomps]
Ivanka, you want to take this one?

Whoa! Hold on, sir!

Let me just remind you
the stakes here.

We are about to either stop
World War III or cause it.

And the Oscar goes to...

You could've just said
it's kind of important.

How exclusive is
Turkish splinter group?

Like Soho House
or Harvard Club?

Mr. Trump, I've managed
to hold my tongue

out of respect for the office,
but now that we're about to die,

I got something I've wanted to
say for a long, long time.

You, sir, are without a doubt
the single most ...

[man] Stand down.
Target neutralized.

[Sighs]
Everybody, shut up!

General Kelly was in the middle
of giving me a compliment.

[man] And we're out!
Back in 30!

Ainsley, you wouldn't believe
where I saw Brian this morning.

There was lightning and thunder ...
a storm so violent,

it was practically Biblical.

And I look over,
and there's Bri Guy

standing in the middle of
the street in his skivvies!

- You okay, Bri?
- Of course I'm not okay.

Since he won the
Republican nomination,

we've supported Donald Trump,

and he's given us no reason not to.

But then he pushes this
paid family leave bill,

pulling the ground out
from under me

and leaving me in a total
spiritual free fall!

Whoa! Bri! Wear a tie,
say prompter, go home ...

that's all you need to think.

[man] And we're back in 3, 2...

? Three white people on a couch ?

? It's "Fox & Friends" ?

Good morning!

We're still over the Moon
for President Trump's

new initiative, right, Ainsley?

I remember looking
across the dance floor,

seeing that initiative,
and thinking,

"I'm gonna marry
that boy one day."

Right, Bri? We love it...
Where's Brian?

Yesterday, I walked through

several forbidden doors
in my consciousness,

where I discovered realms
of chaos that I must explore.

Yesterday, I counted myself
among the friends.

Today, I am the fox.

The yeas have it.

The Family Leave Act, brought
to you by IvankaTrump.com,

the number-one source
for brilliant jewels

and five-way cardigans,
has passed.

217-213!
Whoo-hoo!

The bill now moves
to the Senate,

where it faces a steep climb
as the majority of senators

are threatening to filibuster
the mere mention of its name.

But that did not stop the attendees

of the first annual
Paid Family Leave Act Ball

from celebrating the bill's
passage through the House.

[Sighs]
The event costs the taxpayers

more than the
Paid Family Leave bill itself,

the majority of that money
going towards the appearance fee

for the guest of honor.

Guest of honor, world's
largest bag of popcorn!

Isn't he beautiful, folks?

But the real guest of honor
is my dad, [applause]

who surprised everyone
and proved that he's capable

of doing a wonderful thing
for working moms...

if it will benefit someone
in his immediate family.

[roaring, growling]

Ted Cruz!

Just like that cute little guy
from "Alien."

Paid family leave
is a fiscal abomination

that I will strangle in its crib
until the life fades from its eyes!

He's ruining the popcorn!

Why hasn't the Secret Service
opened fire?!

Well, now that I've sufficiently
made this entire event about moi,

I welcome the security forces
to escort me from the premises.

? Ted Cruz!
Ted Cruz, Ted Cruz ?

? Ted Cruz, Ted Cruz,
da, da-da, do ?

[Ivanka] Of course I can take my dad
to the Gucci spring line fashion show.

The Paid Family Leave bill's
given him a whole new image.

It's given you a new image.

A-And as far as your dad goes,
I still can't turn on the TV

without seeing someone plead
for a Deep State military junta.

Um, I think you've been watching
a little bit too much MSNBC.

It was "House Hunters"!
A-And you know what?

The buyers didn't even pick a house!

They just sat around
shaking their heads, trying

to remember a time when they
recognized their own country!

- Well, what am I going to tell him?
- It's called lying, babe. Okay?

You got to get comfortable
with it now, because there's

gonna be a lot of it going
around these next few months.

So, here's what I'm thinking
next for us, Ivanka.

We pass universal healthcare,
bring home all the troops,

and when it comes to gender,
anything goes.

Yes! Uh, that sounds so great.
I'd love to do that.

It's just, unfortunately,
I have to go right now.

Well, w-where are you going?
Can I come? Can I come?

Oh, um, it's just this dumb party
hosted by... Michael Wolff.

Mark Cuban's gonna be there.
Joe and Mika.

James Comey.
Uh, the Khan family.

Robert Mueller.
Oh, and the Central Park Five.

So... not really my scene?

? It's "Fox & Friends" ?

Good morning!
It's "Fox & Friends."

Just two friends now.

And, well, let's give this
the old technical-college try.

So, Ainsley ... [sighs]
You got kids?

- That's a little personal!
- Fair enough.

I'm getting word we have
someone on the line.

Bet it's you-know-who.
Hello, Mr. President.

- Hey.
- Is that you, Brian?

That's not my name anymore.
Call me Alpha Centauri.

Brian, get back here
before our ratings drop.

Yeah, Bri!
And now that you're gone,

they're making me do your
pelvic-core exercise segment.

You know I'm insecure
about my doughy FUPA!

I wish you could see this desert.

It's like a million beaches
went to the beach.

I've met an armadillo among the sands.
He wants to be my friend.

Brian, how far are you
from a doctor?

I have to go. I-I'm going on
a date with a cactus. [click]

Anyways, when we come back, have
we found the next Donald Trump?

We'll meet a third grader who
blames his asthma on Mexicans.

? Bing bing, bong bong,
bing bing, bing, bing bang ?

? Bing bing bing,
bong, bong, bong bing ?

? Bing bong, bing bong, bam ?

? Bing, bong, bing bong, bing ...
Bong?! ?

[music]

Hi, Daddy.
How'd you sleep?

Good. Had that dream again where
a bird with my father's eyes

screams the word "rot"
until I claw myself awake.

Sweat straight down to the box spring.

Say, honey, did you end up
going to that party last night?

I did, I did. Oh!
You would've hated it.

Interesting.
Because SEAL Team Six

said you were at some
Gucci fashion show,

which would be fine
if I hadn't just told you

I'm in the market for
a boxy suit for spring!

[Steve Mnuchin] Busted!

You were the one
who sent SEAL Team Six?

They completely ruined the show!

Do you know they
wh-aterboarded Zac Posen

then threw him in a black helicopter?

Now you know what it's like
to wonder where someone is.

You're a monster!

If you need me, I'll be
in New York, New York.

Fine! If you need me,
I'll be polishing off

the world's largest bag of popcorn!

[doors close]

While we're all together,

uh, none of us knows
what we're doing, right?

- Oh, yeah, not a clue.
- Keeps me up at night.

- No idea.
- I don't even know where I am.

I know exactly what I'm doing.

[music]

[cheers and applause]

Ugh! Look at these two.

Aren't they gorgeous?
Give us a twirl, boys.

No, Dad!
I got a weird ass!

I don't need people looking at it.

Amen! Mine's like
an inverted Frisbee!

Uh, thanks for inviting us
to talk about a cause

that we are both extremely
passionate about ...

ending the stigma against dudes

who have gotten a DUI
from a lady cop.

Wait. I thought
we were gonna support

a ban on excessively
pointy sesame seeds.

Eric!
Stop spitting when you talk!

I'm gonna spit in your mouth,
see how you like it.

And you better not like it!

[both spitting]

Stop it!

Just knock it off, you two.
We're not in SeaWorld.

? It's "Fox & Friends" ?

Welcome back to "Fox & Friends,"

whatever the hell
that title means anymore.

It's who cares o'clock.

Today, Ainsley's gonna
handle the first segment

and earn that paycheck of hers,
since I've been sweating blood

trying to keep this show
from flatlining!

- Oh, go to hell!
- Look at what you're doing to us, Brian!

And, by the way, not sure
if you were watching,

but I got rushed to the hospital
after that pelvic-core segment

crushed my guts like a memory-foam
pillow stuffed in a lunch box.

Oh! And this just in ...
if I sneeze, I die!

So, yeah, Brian, we hope
you're enjoying your armadillo!

20 past the hour.

When we come back, potholes
shaped like Robert E. Lee.

Great.
First, I lose my daughter.

- Now my favorite show sucks.
- Oh, for fuck's sake!

Sir, the Turkish splinter group
has stolen another warhead.

We need to act!

Let Turkey deal with
its shoplifting problem.

My favorite morning show is at stake!

Where the hell is Kilmeade?!

? No saliva in my mouth ?

? It's "Alpha Centauri & Friends" ?

It's 135 degrees,
and it was a great day

for President Sand Dune.

Ain't that right, arma-doocy?

[coughing]
Oh, God! I need water!

It's not a mirage!
It's Ted Cr-u-uz!

Please, tell me that's fresh water!

Uh, hmm. Judges?
Enrh! Wrong!

Oh! Tough break.

It's just the puddle of sweat
that I produce whenever

the temperature rises
above 58 degrees

on the Lord's blessed
Fahrenheit scale.

My doctors prescribe twice
weekly visits to the desert

to wring out my sebaceous
glands like washcloths!

Same for you, I guess?

I realized all I knew
was built on a lie,

so I decided to cast aside society

and wander the desert
in search of answers.

If it's solitude you seek,

then follow my serpentine
friendless path,

and you will never be troubled
by social obligations again!

I contemplate the big questions
without worrying

I might be invited out
for a coffee or a drink

or to the funeral
of a dear relative!

And, sure, it's a lonely life,
but on the bright side...

What was I saying again?

I think I should go back
to my friends now.

Your best bet is the Greyhound
station just over the hill there.

Don't tell them who sent ya!

? Ah-Ted Cruz,
Ted Cruz, Ted-ed Cruz ?

That Women for Trump rally
was the tits!

Here's what I'm thinking, Dad.
You, us, tour bus ...

Trump Boys Road Show.

Hit up every Vineyard Vines
location in the country.

I don't know, boys.
Maybe Ivanka was right.

Tour-bus toilets aren't
exactly tweet-friendly.

You miss Ivanka, huh?
You know, Dad,

I learned something all
those weeks ago at SeaWorld.

Orcas don't love being in their
tank, and they really don't like

having soft pretzels
jammed into their blowholes.

But more importantly,
after growing up in captivity,

they can't survive out there
on their own.

Just wait, Dad.
Ivanka will get hungry

for a nice bucket of fish,
and she'll be back.

[scoffs] Filthy bum!
Go back to hell!

Hey! Hey!

[gasps] Brian Kilmeade?
It's me, IvankaTrump.com.

- What's going on?
- I was trying to get back

to the Fox News building,
but I ran out of money.

Only had enough to get
from Texas to here.

I could desperately use
some bus fare for those

- last nine blocks.
- Yeah... No.

Anyway...
what are you doing here?

I'm tired of being trapped
in my father's orbit,

so I'm going to spin off and
move to Trump Tower, New York,

or maybe Trump Tower, Chicago.

Or go to a different galaxy entirely,
like Trump Tower, Toronto.

Ivanka, I know it's tempting
to forge your own path,

but before long, you will be
holding conversation

with the rotting carcass
of an armadillo

and realize that your path
is a lonely one.

Soon, you'll just want to return
home to those who love you.

[music]

Seriously, though, can you loan
me like 80 cents? I'm so close.

? Three white people on a couch ?

? It's "Fox & Friends" ?

It's with a heavy heart
that Ainsley and I announce

that this will be our last
"Fox & Friends."

But don't worry. This won't be
the last time you see us,

assuming you watch
hit Hollywood movies!

That's right. Me and Ainsley

got ourselves
a North Hollywood sublet,

where we'll take
each other's headshot

and try our hand at the
old actor/Uber driver game.

We're really doing it!
We're going to be famous

I'm already writing my Oscar speech!

Don't forget to thank your
old friend Brian Kilmeade

- Brian!
- Brian!

Momentarily, sir, we will write
the history of humanity,

because once again,
the Turkish splinter group,

and God bless them,
has gained control

of a completely different fully
operational nuclear missile silo.

SEAL Team Six, who at first

just assumed they'd received
a duplicate e-mail,

is now off the coast,
within striking distance.

- Hello, Daddy!
- God damn it!

I shouldn't have left, Daddy!

I'm sorry I lied to you
about the fashion show.

Baby, I was wrong. I should've
given you your space.

Yes, I wanted some space.

But once I got some, I realized

I will always be a subsidiary
of the Trump organization.

- Sir! We need your permission to launch.
- I love you, sweetie.

Gentlemen, the President
is incapacitated,

and I'll go out on a limb here
and say Vice President Pence

would be okay with us
killing Turkish people.

- It's "kill everyone" time.
- An invitation for the Met Gala?

- But how did you do it?!
- Don't worry about it.

But if anyone asks,
your name is Zac Posen.

Why, thank you, Daddy.
And I got you something, too.

Good morning!
[music]

It's a beautiful day
here at "Fox & Friends."

Holy shit!
Brian's back!

I went looking for some truth,

but if there was any truth
out there, I couldn't see it.

You see, I've had no formal
or informal education.

I was found in a barn loft
when I was 32 years old.

Whenever I take off a scarf,

I'm always a little worried
that my head will fall off.

But I learned that sometimes
you have to test your faith

to find out how strong it can be.

[voice breaking]
Good morning, Mr. President.

I'm so happy to be here.
I love you!

I love you, too, Brian.

Jared! We're going to be late
for the Met Gala!

[Jared] Oh, no!
Wouldn't want to miss

the chance of getting booed
on the red carpet!

[music]

[woman] The theme of tonight's Met Gala

is Fashion and
the Catholic Imagination.

And Rihanna is looking stunning

covered in a swarm of live
locusts by Alexander Wang!

Hey!
Wh-What are you doing here?!

You're supposed to be in the TV!

Oh, Daddy, it's great
that you got me in, [music]

but I'd rather spend time with you.

Also, my nanny asked to be paid
while she cared for her sick kid.

[laughs] What?
So I fired her.

Jesus. What kind of moron expects
to be paid for not working?

I know, right?
It's crazy.

What's the nanny's name?
I'll attack her in the press.

Daddy, you spoil me.
Here. I'll write it down for you.

I literally can't pronounce it.

['80s-style pop music plays]
Donald Trump is the president

? Donald Trump
is the president ?

? Is Donald Trump the president? ?

? Yes, he is ?

? Yes, he is,
we elected him president ?

? Is Donald Trump
the president? ?

? Yes, he is ?

? We had a vote
and elected him president ?

? Donald Trump
is the president ?

? Donald Trump ?

? He is our president ?

? We made him president ?

? We did that ?

? Donald Trump
is the president ?

? We elected Donald Trump ?

? Donald Trump
is the president ?

? Donald Trump
is the president ?

[vocalizing]
Yeah

Trump!

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