Original subtitles

Jackie: Previously on "Nurse Jackie"...

Gloria, you bought a penis car?

I didn't buy a penis car.

I won a penis car in a poker game last night.

- And the award goes to? - Me.

- I gave a scholarship to my alma mater. - Because?

I'm kind of at a place in my life where I want to feel more fulfilled.

I've been recruited by a sperm scout.

Everyone knows.

Listen, if people know, right,

it means we don't have to worry about them finding out.

I don't know what you guys do nowadays.

If there's a handshake or secret code or something.

You pretty much cracked it.

(Snorting)

This is way more fun with somebody else.

Jackie, are you using again?

Is this what sponsorship is?

I call you for help and you accuse me?

Okay, the cravings can't be new,

so is something going on at work or at home?

- My daughter Grace... - (Snorting)

I don't know what's going on with her.

(Theme music playing)

(Man vocalizing)

Sync and corrections by explosiveskull www.addic7ed.com

They've been up there a long time.

Honey, they're fine. They're girls.

What do you know about girls?

Yeah, no. I don't want that.

Tastes like ice cream. This is cancer-fighting ice cream.

Honey, relax. The girls are fine.

And more importantly, they like me.

You're not here that much. They don't really know you.

This is pretty new to them, somebody sleeping at the house

with their mom who's not their dad.

I know, but we're really doing this.

And more importantly, we're doing it right.

Try the green stuff.

- (Knocks) - Grace: Occupied.

I have smoothies.

- What are you doing? - It looks good, right?

- I like it. - Grace, Jesus Christ.

What? It's a haircut. It's not like a cry for help.

I think I look older.

Yes. Yes, you do. You look a lot older.

I know. I was talking to Mandy about it

and where to go, and then I was just like,

"I have scissors."

- We made a vine. - A what?

It's a six-second movie.

Grace in video: Here it goes.

Fucking bangs, man. Here it goes.

All right, so you talked to your friend Mandy about your haircut.

- Do I know Mandy? - I don't know.

Well, I would like to meet her.

She doesn't live in Queens.

Grace, I feel like I have no idea what's going on with you.

Yes, you do. I live with Dad.

I go to school and sometimes I come here.

Frank: We got smoothies. We got toast.

We got about 10 minutes before everyone is late.

Whoa. Hiya, haircut.

- It looks good. - Thank you.

(Sighs)

It is so random that you called.

I'm never up this early.

Oh, my God. How old are you?

Relax. I'm 28.

You didn't bring me a fancy donut.

Oh.

Okay, um, I want to make something clear.

I don't usually...

It's cool.

Whatever the end of that sentence is,

you're a friend.

Okay, I don't even know your name.

Gabe.

You're a nurse?

I am. What do you do?

I don't know.

I was doing a music thing for a while.

My girlfriend has a real job.

I started jogging.

Okay, how much do you want?

I pay my guy $10 a pill. So that's cool.

- That's it? - Ah, man. It's easy to buy drugs.

(Chuckles)

What are you doing now?

I'm going to work.

Really? Fuck.

I'm going back to bed.

Can you give me a ride?

(Engine starts)

Good morning.

I do the same thing when I take car service.

It's so weird to sit in back.

Very weird.

So this is great.

What's great?

You guys walking in together.

One of you running around the block

so you can pretend to be late made me sad.

Seriously? You saw that?

- She saw that. - I guess she sees it all.

It's two Ss, right?

Hey, what are you doing?

You're an asshole, man.

I was sick and you treated me like shit.

You should be nice to people who are sick.

Hey, fuck you, man. I was nice.

You can suck my balls.

You don't have to yell. We can read.

Gloria's gonna lose her mind.

Here. I'm on a winning streak.

I won $5,000 last night. Scratchers for everyone.

Well, your streak may have ended.

Some disgruntled patient just defaced the front of the building.

How bad is it?

There's a big dick on the wall.

(Laughs)

I'll go call maintenance.

Did she just giggle?

See?

Bedside manner means something to people.

- Not my job. - I still think it is.

Zoey, no one's coming to see me because I'm nice.

No one is coming to see you today because of that penis.

Another one.

You've got to report this to disease control.

Report what?

It's the sixth case of a gay man

with bacterial meningitis this month.

But the CDC doesn't want to cause alarm

or use words like outbreak.

Don't we have vaccinations for meningitis?

Yes, but you have to take the vaccine

before you stick your tongue in someone's mouth.

This is why I hate the scene, why I'm no longer on Grindr.

Thank God I have a boyfriend.

We should just go vaccinate at all the clubs.

Oh, my God, Thor.

We can go to The Cock.

No, no, no.

The Cock?

It's a rock and sleaze gay bar and you cannot go there.

- Why not? - Zoey, they don't want you in there.

Yes, they do.

I'm trying to be of service to your community.

I'm going.

Look, let me be of service to you.

Don't dress up. Don't dance.

It's not your bar, it's their bar.

Wear scrubs, hot shoes, and eyeliner.

Don't smile.

Sounds like a fun night.

Female, 50s. Called us 'cause she thought

she was having a reaction to her medication.

She's been in and out. Says her doctors are here.

- Frequent flier? - I'll check.

- What's she taking? - Jesus.

She's taking everything. Who's her doctor?

She's got a bunch of them. She left all these files, too.

Her name's Lauren.

I want her primary doctor and her most recent file.

On three. One, two...

(Computer beeping)

Hello.

Hello, Dr. Cooper. I'm Dennis from East Side Fertility.

Hey, man. How's my sperms doing?

They are here. And we just want to say thank you for getting us

your donation so quickly and all of your genetic tests were great.

My genes are good.

But you're not even a mot five.

A mot five?

A motility of five million.

And your count is lower than we accept.

Mot five is really our bargain sperm.

So what's my count?

Two million.

We appreciate your interest.

No, no, I can do it again. I'll do better.

I'm sorry, sir. This is probably the end of the line.

Have a good day.

Let's run a tox screen and an EKG.

Lauren, can you tell us what you're taking?

My throat,

it's hard to breathe.

She has eight doctors and she's on a bunch of biologics.

Enbrel, Humira, Rituximab.

All autoimmune. That would explain all the doctors.

Her airway is swelling. Are you on steroids?

- Prednisone? - Yep, here it is.

Shit. Tox screen's gonna take 10 minutes. I'll go get Eddie.

Let's protect her airway. You want to jump in on this?

Hey, Coop. How are the boys?

Fine.

Then why are you walking like Charlie Brown?

Because Charlie Brown has a higher sperm count than me, okay?

Jesus, I'm sorry.

- It's not funny. - I know.

It's sperm, right, Coop?

I mean, use it or lose it.

Come on, I'll take you out tonight.

This isn't something I'm just gonna bounce right back from.

Don't say anything to anybody.

So is every woman over 40

on the Upper East Side just clamoring for your sperm?

Yes, they are.

He's gonna father an entire class

of private school douchebags.

Ah, lucky us. I need a consult.

- Can I steal you? - Yeah. What's up?

This woman has eight different doctors prescribing to her at once.

Fucking doctors. They can't see beyond their own bullshit.

Or call each other every once in a while.

The pharmacist should have caught interactions,

but people make mistakes.

All right, if I had to put money on it,

I'd say it's a combination of these

prescribed by three different doctors.

- Assholes. Thank you. - Yeah, no problem.

Hey. I need you to come with me.

Oh, really? Am I under arrest, Officer?

Not you. Grace was picked up for shoplifting.

She what?

- She was? - Yeah.

Uh...

all right, let me get my...

my bag.

- I need my bag. - Here, I got it.

- Come on, let's go. - Holy shit.

I knew something was up with her this morning with that haircut.

Lauren's stable.

Get these doctors down here.

Grace was arrested for shoplifting.

Fuck.

Girls are crazy.

I stole a couch once.

A power washer is on its way.

You're gonna need to do more than that.

It's like getting a bad Yelp review.

If people see that, they're not gonna come in here.

You're taking this a little bit too seriously, Dr. Prentiss.

What?

I can't believe I just drew Pat Kiernan's blood.

I love New York 1. Wake up to you guys every morning.

- You're very nice. - You are very nice.

We are not here to gush. We are here to treat.

Look, I'm sorry to be taking up your time,

but I've been feeling light-headed

and my assistant was worried.

No, it's good to get everything checked out.

So, headache, fatigue.

You get up so early. Of course you're tired.

You're on the air at 5:00.

Yeah, I've been getting some rest.

I've been upstate with the kids the last few weekends.

- You have kids? - Two girls.

Fatigue.

You're fine. You can discharge him.

Um, let's push some fluids.

And you'll feel better.

- Where's your house? - Woodstock.

A tiny house, middle of the woods.

We should check for Lyme disease.

- You're serious? - Well, we should rule it out.

You know, I do know a couple guys up there with Lyme disease.

Don't worry. We got you now.

I'm gonna go run your blood.

She's great.

Today she is.

I had someone take her fingerprints and mug shot

just to freak her out a little bit.

You guys want to tell her no one's pressing charges?

No, let her sweat.

What the hell did she steal?

Bunch of fancy conditioners from a hair salon.

She ran out without paying for the haircut,

so technically that, too.

Jesus Christ. So she left school

to get the rest of her hair cut?

What the fuck is going on?

Her friend Mandy was with her.

But she bolted by the time I got there.

This Mandy, I don't like this girl.

I met her once. She's a little older.

So, what, Grace got caught and she said, "My mom's boyfriend is a cop"?

No, um, she said her dad was a cop.

And they called me.

All right, I'm ready. You ready?

It's not a big deal.

Sure, our whole family is at a police station.

I'd say it's a big fucking deal.

There is something going on with you, Grace.

Are you gonna tell me what it is?

I don't have to tell you anything.

Hey, lay off your mom. You're the problem right now.

I'm not the problem.

I'm doing really well in school

and I just wanted to cut my hair today.

Mia said I'd look great with bangs.

Jesus Christ. Mandy, Mia.

Who is Mia now, Grace?

Who are these girls?

Obviously they're part of the problem.

Do you know who Mia is?

Mia's Dad's fianc?e.

Oh. Okay.

Jackie, I...

I will be right back.

(Sighs)

(Touch tones beeping)

Hi. Can you meet me before I do something crazy?

Call me.

Oh, my God. Look at you.

Hi. You are so pretty.

You are so pretty. Hi.

Oh, my goodness. Look at you.

Sorry, is he bothering you?

No, no, no, no. I love dogs.

My ex was allergic, so I never had one.

I need to take him. He's working.

- Oh, sure. - Leave. Come.

I'm sorry. It just happened last night.

This was not how I was planning on telling you.

No, I know that. Of course not.

I am very happy for your dad.

And that was not your news to share.

Cell phone, wallet.

I got 'em.

She does not have access to anything

and she does not go anywhere without an adult present,

school or home.

I have to get back to work.

(Mouths)

You get a family discount on bail?

I got you covered.

Poke around. Open the cabinets.

If you have any questions, just holler out.

I'll be right in here. I'm Antoinette.

I didn't even know he was dating.

I guess I should have. He looks great.

He's wearing tighter jeans.

Well, he's a man and he's not an addict.

Of course he was gonna get remarried.

It's not a race and I realize that.

Well, that's good, because he's always gonna be healthier than you.

- Mia. - Oh.

Well, you know, who knows?

Maybe this will be good for Grace.

Maybe it'll give her someone new to hate.

Or maybe we can hate her together.

Jackie, this is a vulnerable time.

Being sober can get really boring.

Other people move on

and they make healthy choices.

You're gonna be prone to some very bad, impulsive behavior.

Just promise me you won't make any big decisions today.

Can I tell you how badly I want to use right now?

Get fat, not high.

(Laughs)

(Water spraying)

- How's that going? - Not well.

We need to do better than this. We have to.

Lauren's awake and in exam.

I organized all her files for her.

Not one of her doctors came down.

They didn't even call back.

I'm on hold with this rheumatologist.

- How are you? - I'm great.

Grace was caught shoplifting hair products

- and Kevin's getting remarried. - What?

Hang up.

(Touch tones beeping)

Yes, Dr. Cohen, please.

Oh, she's in surgery. Okay.

This is Jackie Peyton from the ER.

Her mother was just brought in in critical condition.

Can you send her down here, please?

Yes, thank you.

(Touch tones beeping)

Yes, Dr. Gupta, please.

No, I would rather not hold, actually.

This is Jackie Peyton from the ER.

His mother was just brought in. She's in very bad shape.

I think he should probably get down here.

Yes. Thank you.

(Touch tones beeping)

Hi there. I'm calling for Dr. Thorsen.

This is Zoey Barkow, RN,

from the emergency department.

I'm afraid that Dr. Thorsen's mother was just brought in

and there's very little that we can do.

If he wants to say good-bye,

he should get down to the ER.

I don't know how much time she has left.

Oh, my God, it's all happening so fast.

The blood, the blood.

I bet mine gets here first.

You still here? You should have been out of here hours ago.

- No, he shouldn't. - Is he your...

- Boyfriend? No. - boss?

Yes, I am. Is there a problem here?

No, actually, not at all. I was trying to figure out

who I need to talk to about getting this young lady

on TV to do some medical segments.

- (Laughs) - Seriously?

Great doctor, great public hospital.

It's exactly the kind of thing this city needs.

I have a friend at WASQ who needs somebody.

(Chuckles)

I had media training in college,

but I never really thought I'd use it.

All you got to do, Dr. Roman, is say the word.

You're gonna have to run that by Akalitus.

Good luck with that.

I think it'll be good.

- I can call my friend right now. - Oh, my God.

Oh.

Quick question.

Let's say I was given the opportunity

to bring some really good press to this hospital.

Would you shut it down?

Yes, I would shut it down.

WASQ wants me

to do medical segments from the hospital.

It's not even about me. It's good PR for the ER.

Let me think about it.

Can you think about it right now?

They want me to do one today.

Oh, my God. Scratchers.

I love these.

(Scratching)

What? I think I won something.

Dr. Roman, please try very hard not to bring us all down.

So, I don't...

that's a yes?

Where's my mother? I got a call.

Yes, hi. If you could just sit tight for a minute.

- What? What's going on? - Hello. I'm Dr. Gupta.

Someone said my mother was brought in unconscious.

If you can wait for one moment.

My mother's on a cruise.

Who's the asshole who called me and told me that she was dying?

Follow me.

Here are all your files.

Oh, my God. This is amazing.

Lauren, your doctors are here.

They're going to talk to you and they're going to talk to each other.

Dr. Prentiss will be running this meeting.

The penis guy?

Mm-hmm.

Your patient was brought in here today

with a swelling of the airway.

It was brought on by a drug interaction.

I want to know your diagnosis for this patient

and your treatment plan.

We'll start with you.

So my mother's fine?

Prentiss: Your mother is not here. I don't know how she is.

I cannot believe you would approve this.

I know I'm rolling the dice, but outreach is important.

Our worst doctor is giving medical advice weekly.

Cooper: He was my patient. That could have been me.

That would have made up for the millions of lost sperm.

I'll make it up to you, Coop.

How? I'm losing things I never knew I didn't have.

- Are those my vaccines? - Yeah.

Syringes and swabs. You're locked and loaded.

(Music playing)

I feel really overdressed.

You look fantastic.

Really, you do.

You're all done.

Ring Pop.

You're welcome.

Next.

Free meningitis vaccination.

Uh, buzz kill.

It'll take two seconds.

If you were engaged in any kind of physical closeness

or intimacy with multiple partners...

- Oh, my God. - It won't hurt.

Prentiss: Ahem. Zoey.

What are you doing here?

Being nice.

Just came to help. Those shoes are hot, by the way.

- Thank you. - Thank you.

Okay, I'm ready for my shot.

Roll up your sleeve, please.

I think it's awesome that you're doing this.

- I'm Robin. - Ike.

- This is Zoey. - Ike? Really?

You're amazing.

- Ow. - You're all done.

- Ring Pop. - Ring Pop.

Ring Pop. Perfect. Thank you.

- Why aren't you dancing? - I don't dance.

He'll dance with you if you get all your friends vaccinated.

Oh, it's on.

Really?

(Door opens)

What the hell are you doing?

I got a dog.

- (Dog whines) - She's got arthritis.

God, that face. It's making me so depressed.

Did you name him?

Her.

Well, she looks like a him.

Her name is Slippers.

That's terrible.

Well, she's 35 years old. I can't change her name now.

Come here, boy. Hey.

(Whines)

Come here.

You know, I think Kevin looked worse than Grace when I left the station today.

Yeah, he felt bad.

He should. How you feeling?

I don't know. All I know at the end of the day

was that I wanted a dog, so I got a dog.

Oh, you're not allergic, are you?

No. Thanks for asking.

Honey, you sure you want a dog?

I mean, don't you have enough to take care of?

This is a good impulse. It is.

Okay.

Um, look, I'm sorry.

You know your kids and you know when they're out of control.

I just wanted everything to be smooth sailing this morning.

Nothing is ever smooth sailing around here.

(Music playing)

Just shake it, shake it

Come on and get naked, naked

Yo, yo, now shake it, shake it

Come on and get naked, naked

Now take it, take it

Come on and get naked, naked

No, no, well, now, take it, take it

Come on and get naked, naked...

- I feel better. - What?

I feel better.

Sometimes you just need a little extra attention.

It's just sperm.

It's just sperm, baby!

Whoo!

Yeah!

Yeah, Coop!

(Shouting)

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