Original subtitles

- It's pretty neat. - Mm-hmm.

Cheryl Hines inviting us to her party.

I think we're the only Groundlings she invited.

I wanna meet that husband. He's a Kennedy.

Really? Which one?

John F. Kennedy.

Ooh, the main one.

Is he a lot older than her?

Oh, and there are a lot of Hollywood bigwigs

at this party, and Cheryl made it very clear

we should network.

Did you remember the wine?

Yes. Okay.

Where's the label?

I peeled the label off.

You peeled it off?

She's gonna think it's moonshine, you idiot.

Well, I don't know what else I was supposed to do.

It was a cheap bottle.

(SCOFFING) Oh, my God.

I mean, you know, with the label off though,

I figured it could be anything.

Maybe she'll think we own a vineyard.

Oh, so we can tell people when they ask

why we're not successful in the entertainment business,

we've been making wine.

(CHERYL) Hi, guys!

Oh, you look perfect.

For you and your husband. He's a Kennedy.

Oh, is that right? (CHUCKLES)

Where is this from?

Probably a gas station.

Oh. (CHUCKLES)

Gas station...

Cheryl, thank you so much for having us, really.

I know it's been a hard year for you guys,

and this is the least I can do.

So why don't you take off your jackets and follow me?

Thank you.

Fancy, fancy. Take off our...?

I think yes. Really?

Oh, hey.

Thank you.

So, here are your aprons.

And just keep filling up the champagne glasses

and passing around the hors d'oeuvres.

Oh, and if you guys get hungry,

don't eat any of this, it's for the guests.

Thank you. I'm sorry.

Gotta get back out there.

Thanks, guys.

We are working at this party?

No. No, no, no, no.

Her email said, "Do you guys wanna come work the party?"

What?!

I thought she meant work it.

Work it, network, schmooze!

Let's just get the hell outta here.

Let's find our jackets and get the hell outta here.

Wait.

I mean, I can actually use the money.

I could too.

Oh my God.

(SIGHS)

- You're a good friend, Hugh. - You're a great friend.

- Yes, I am. - Yeah.

Also, Larry, you're the one that drove us here,

so I can't go anywhere without you.

It's gonna be fun though.

- It's gonna be super, super, super fun. - Yeah.

- All right. - Gonna have good attitudes, right?

Great attitudes.

Just go out there, and we... we make it look easy.

(GLASSES BREAKING)

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

Ugh! Tastes like cheese!

Ick. Can't have cheese.

? I've got something burning ?

Oh, sorry. Very sorry about that.

It's hard to know how much she's gonna rise there.

I'm sorry, sip it, sip it, sip it, sip it, sip it,

sip it, sip it, sip it, sip it, sip it!

That was your fault, that was completely your fault.

Seriously, who would you rather have sex with?

? Baby, I can't get enough ?

? Baby, I can't get enough, oh ?

Uh... does this... this belong to anyone?

Is anyone working on this? Hello?

- Excuse me. - Hi.

Hi.

That toilet's overflowing upstairs.

Kidding me?

Die, you son of a bitch!

Oh, oh! Did you clog the toilet?

(LARRY) Oh, did you have diarrhea?

You had diarrhea in Cheryl Hines' bathroom?

Who had diarrhea in Cheryl Hines' bathroom?

Hugh, Larry, and Rachel. What a surprise.

It's been too long, huh?

Hey, have you had the pleasure of seeing "The First Gentleman"?

I'm sure you're aware it's the number-one movie

in America for the past five and a half weeks.

They say that it'll be the first comedy to gross

over a billion dollars worldwide,

and to see my name in the credits, oh my God!

I just... you know, I just have to pinch myself.

Ow! Ah!

Why did you pinch me?

Because you will never know the feeling.

So, tell me, you guys,

what are you working on these days, huh?

Hey... oh!

Did somebody take a shit in my bathroom?

You guys can't poop in this bathroom.

Listen, the dishes aren't gonna wash themselves, come on!

Oh, and people have been putting recycling

in with the regular trash,

so I need you to take it outside, dump it,

sift through it and then separate it.

Dump it, sift, separate.

You guys!

Geez! Now!

Uh, we also... have a vineyard

where we make wine.

I'm sure you do... shitfaces.

Morning, family.

- Morning. - Morning.

Mwah! Did everyone sleep well?

No, because your dog was barking all night.

I didn't hear anything.

Well, maybe that's because you take fistfuls of pills

before you go to bed?

Uh, I take one pill, and it's prescribed.

- By your doctor? - Someone's doctor.

Ethan, she's our guest, all right?

You're just cranky because you're not eating bread.

I think after 11 months, the word is "squatter,"

and I lost four pounds.

Okay, Gandhi.

Well, I can't afford my old apartment.

Do you know how hard it is to find a place

that takes dogs and is in a safe neighborhood

where I'm not gonna get murdered every five minutes?

Well, it's definitely much harder

when you never look.

Lois, let's take Izzy for a walk.

Daddy, do I have time? What time's the movie?

Oh, you guys are going to a movie?

What are you seeing? (STAMMERING)

- "The First Gentleman." - Seriously?

It's getting great reviews.

It's doing really well.

Oh my God.

(SAM) Look at you, you're so comfortable

- on that horse. - (HUGH CHUCKLING)

I didn't know this was gonna be part of my daily routine.

You know, we really do have a nice life.

- (PHONE RINGING) - Oh, oh, oh.

I thought we weren't answering our phones.

It's work, I have to. Hi, Libby.

What's up? Oh no, you're kidding!

We're not gonna get the Cumberland Suite

at the Four Seasons.

That's all right, we can get any room, I don't care.

I know, but we're gonna be in Toronto for three months.

We're gonna want lots of space.

You know what, how about we just rent a house

in a cool neighborhood, you know what I like.

But make sure there is a good coffee spot for Hugh nearby.

I don't need a good coffee spot.

Yeah, but you're not gonna want to hang out with me

on set every day.

Wait, what?

No, that's supposed to be at noon.

No, it's fine, just, um, tell Paul

I'll be there as soon as I can.

Okay, thanks, bye.

I need a day off.

Can we trade places?

(GRUNTS) Um, will you do me a favor?

Can you untack Ulysses for me?

Untack means take him to the glue factory, right?

No, don't listen to him.

But remember, he's got this...

he doesn't like that ear touched.

I wasn't gonna touch it. Okay.

Mwah. I love you.

Love you too.

(GASPS) No.

Uh... sh...

(DOG PANTING)

(GRUNTING)

Oh, gotcha.

Oh God, what is that? Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!

Izzy!

Ohh! Izzy, help!

Oh God.

Oh...

May I help you find something?

Mark-Paul Gosselaar.

You... oh, you know who you are.

I, um... I dropped my phone.

Oh, I thought you were just a crazy fan

going through my trash.

Oh, pfft, no, I'm not a fan.

I mean, I am a fan, but I'm not, like, crazy.

I mean, a little bit crazy,

but I'm not, like, diagnosed by a doctor,

you know, 'cause he's not a doctor,

so it doesn't matter what he says.

Uh... I should get out of your garbage.

Do you... do you need help?

Uh, that'd be... that'd be great...

Okay. If you don't mind.

Here. (GRUNTS)

Thanks. Okay. Yeah, got it.

Okay, you're out.

Oh, right, thanks.

There you go. Yeah.

Um, do you live here?

I live right here, yeah. I was... I was away.

I just... just got back from London.

I spent the year in London, I was shooting a show for the BBC.

Wow.

I, uh... I live two houses down.

I mean, I don't live there, I'm squatting... staying.

That's Michael and Ethan. So you know Michael and Ethan?

Yeah, I... I actually... I used to be married to Michael.

- Oh. - Before he was gay.

I mean, not before he was gay, he's always been gay,

but it's not like I turned him gay, you know.

But you can't turn someone gay, they're born gay,

and that's who you are.

Be what you wanna be and...

- So you're Louise's mom? - L-Lois!

- Lois' mom. - Lois, got it, yeah.

She... she takes after her mom, she's cute.

Oh... thank you.

(CHUCKLES)

This is... really weird for me, 'cause, um,

I was a huge fan of "Saved By... " do you remember

"Saved By the... " well, of course you remember

- "Saved By the Bell." - Yes, I do. I remember.

But I was a big, big fan.

I actually wrote you a fan letter one time

asking for, like, your autographed picture.

- Yeah. - Probably don't remember.

Absolutely not, no.

I was... I was pretty young, so...

Yeah, did you get anything back?

- No. - That's too bad.

- Yeah. - Well...

It was really nice meeting you.

Nice meeting you. What's your name?

Oh, Rachel. I'm Rachel.

I'd shake your hand, but you were in my trash, so...

Right, filthy. Next time.

- Nice to meet you. - Nice to meet you.

- All right. - Okay, come on, baby.

I'm gonna close up shop here.

- Okay. - Bye-bye.

(CHUCKLES)

(PHONE RINGING)

(LARRY) Hey.

(JEN, ON PHONE) When are you coming home?

I don't know, I was gonna go until the bars close, I guess.

- I'm so tired, Larry. - (BABY CRYING)

The second I get one to fall asleep,

the other wakes up, and they're gonna wake up Jack and Elliot.

I don't know what to do, I have to work.

Well, can you at least give me a couple hours tomorrow

so I can get out of the house? I'm losing my mind.

No, I'm sorry, I have to write tomorrow.

Well, I cannot keep doing this.

Maybe it's time my parents come down.

No! Your parents are not living with us.

Definitely not!

- And it's "come up." - What?

Your parents live in Long Beach.

That's south of us. We're "up."

Shut up, Larry. I'm calling my parents.

No! I'm not living with a man

who stood up at our wedding and said,

"If no one will object, I'll object."

Just a minute, honey.

Hey! Ho! I gotta go.

Hey, no! Stop it! Hey!

Hello?

Hugh?

I don't like how white everything is.

It's like she's obsessed with white.

Kinda looks like you're obsessed with denim.

You look like Jay Leno.

Has anybody ever told you that one?

You did, just now, thanks.

I'll tell you what, if one of my 47 children lived here,

all this white would be white for about point-zero seconds.

They look so happy together.

Hugh!

Hello! Sorry, I couldn't hear anything.

These waves are so ridiculously loud.

My God, do you wanna switch lives for a week?

Maybe.

Are you sick or...?

Do you guys want something to drink?

What...

Is that scotch?

Sir Winston Churchill began every single day with scotch.

But he would make it last until noon.

Well, it's 11:00 in the morning.

Well, I guess I'm no Winston Churchill.

All right, let's focus. Robin Hood.

Maybe we have to have Li'l John say something,

you know, so we know his plan worked.

Like, "great" or "amazing."

No, they don't say "amazing."

What do they say? Um...

Can you stop saying "they"?

Hugh, what's the black word for "amazing"?

Amazing.

I believe that's one of the words we all share.

Interesting.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

Oh. Oh, Jesus. We gotta get up.

They're taking all these couches.

Why, what's wrong with 'em?

I have no idea.

Oh, hey, it's unlocked! It's these three, guys, thanks.

You're going to Toronto on Monday?

Uh... yeah, Sam's shooting a movie up there,

so I thought I would, like, go up with her

and hang out for a little bit.

How long are you going?

I don't know, not long.

Like the weekend, I don't know.

I wish I was going to Toronto on Monday.

Instead, I'll be helping my in-laws move into my house.

What?!

I thought that's what you didn't want.

Yeah, well, it is, but apparently,

I was outvoted, one-to-one.

Oh my God, this is like a bad sitcom.

This is the thing we should be writing.

The... the nitwit husband and his stressed-out wife

who can't handle their four boys,

so they have to have the in-laws move in with 'em.

And in classic sitcom style,

the father-in-law hates you, and you gotta live together.

Maybe no more scotch for you.

You know what we'll call it?

"The Dorf Is Always Open."

No, um... "Open Dorf Policy."

That's better 'cause it's stupider.

Okay.

Aren't those like the exact same couches?

No, the old ones were cream, and these new ones are bone.

I mean, what is Hugh's problem?

I feel like he's worse every time we see him.

I mean, how many scotches did he have... three, four?

Does he just lie around all day drinking, hating people?

Is that what he does for a living?

Larry?

What's that?

Where are you right now?

I was just thinking about something.

So I'm this nitwit of a husband, right?

And I got this stressed-out wife and we got the two boys at home.

And then out of nowhere, boom, we get two more,

and they're twins, twin boys.

And then if that's not crazy enough,

who comes knocking at the door, but my in-laws!

And in classic sitcom style,

my father-in-law, he hates me.

But now, we all have to live together.

I love it!

It's great. It's great.

And I was thinking maybe it's called "Open Dorf Policy."

Ha! Is that a wordplay?

(BEN) I see what you did there, Lar.

It's a word... it's on... It's a wordplay.

It's based on open door policy, is that right?

- Yeah. - And "Dorf" and "door."

- Ohh! - Which I never, ever thought about before.

It's very clever.

- That's a great title. - Boy.

- A-plus. - A-plus-plus!

Wow, hilarious.

"Open Dorf Policy." "Open Dorf Policy,"

based on... you being a Dorf.

- Wow. - And who would write it?

I'd write it, by myself.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

No!

(LAUGHING CONTINUES)

Oh, Larry, no!

No, no, you misunderstand me.

What I meant was I'd write it

with you and Rachel, by ourselves.

- Oh, okay, okay. - Oh!

- So Rachel could write most of it. - Yeah.

- Yeah, okay, yeah. - Well, probably.

- Melissa? - Yes?

Should we do this?

I think we should do this.

(BOTH MAKING KISSING NOISES)

Welcome to On the Day Productions, Larry.

(MELISSA) We are so excited

about starting the "Open Dorf Policy"

journey with you.

To be honest, I was a little nervous

coming in here today, you know,

given our rocky history.

Well, you hurt us.

Yeah, you hurt us real bad, Larry.

You and Rachel and Hugh.

But we're past the anger at the three of you,

and we're into a forgiveness phase.

That is so big of you guys.

It is. It's huge, actually.

But luckily, we have been

so fortunate and... just blessed

to have been working through our trauma therapy

with an amazing guru, Dr. Blaine Kaine.

Well, he's not a doctor.

He's a doctor.

How do you feel about Larry, Hugh, and Rachel now?

I wish they were underneath us.

(LAUGHS)

(LAUGHS)

Are we crazy to work with Ben and Melissa again?

- Yes! - All I know,

is with me in the room,

they called the main guy at CBS,

and he said, "We're gonna do the pilot."

Well then, he's the crazy one.

I'm in.

- What?! - Yes.

No, I don't wanna high five.

What, you think I wanna spend the rest of my life

living with my ex-husband and his husband?

That actually sounds like a good show too.

Maybe if this one doesn't go, we do that one

with the CBS guy. _

What's going on?

Uh, nothing.

Um... you know, to hell with it.

I'm in too.

- Really? - Yes.

- Hey! - Oh, yay!

I should go home to the 1,000 people

who are currently living in my house.

You guys got the bill?

- Oh... - Ah.

I got you jobs. You gotta impress the boss.

You're disgusting.

It would be pretty fun to write the Larry character.

He is a uniquely unlikeable, likeable person.

- See, I like this. - (CHUCKLES)

No, it's true. You're excited.

Kind of buzzing.

This is fun, this is the you I love.

To hang out with, and be friends with.

- (CHUCKLES) - And, um...

- Uh... - Can I...

Yeah, yeah, why don't we... that's a great idea.

Yeah.

(PHONE CHIMES)

Hey, Hugh?

Um, I'm actually gonna head home.

Um, it's later than I thought.

What... all right.

(SIGHS)

Oh my God!

You are such a disappointment.

I cooked steaks for everyone, you weren't even here.

I'm sorry, I had to work.

Hey... I'm just riding ya.

I thought you Jews were funny.

(POLITELY CHUCKLES)

Jen says I'm supposed to congratulate you.

Sold a TV show or something?

Yes, I did.

Yeah, I'm gonna be acting in it too.

Wow, well, if that had happened a year ago,

Mary Ellen and I wouldn't have had to drag our old asses

down from Long Beach, live in your tiny house

while you chase your queer little dreams

being a big Jew in Hollywood.

Congratulations.

Thank you very much.

Oop, you got something right there.

(LAUGHS)

Every time!

That'd actually be a very funny scene.

Hey, babe? Libby wants to know

if you have any dietary restrictions for the flight?

I'm gonna tell her vegan.

Kidding.

Uh, Sam?

Yeah?

Um... nothing.

I... I don't know what I was gonna say.

Okay, well, let me know if it comes to you.

(WATER RUNNING)

I'm not going to Toronto.

??

? Eight dollars and the truth ?

? I could never make you want me ?

? One foot still in the door ?

? One foot in something worse ?

? And Charlie, you were right ??

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