Original subtitles

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You almost blew up our meeting with Sam.

Why are we talking so much about Sam?

It's like this lady came into our lives and busted up our threesome.

I signed up for a dating website and I just got asked out on a date.

Hello ladies and gentleman welcome to the Groundlings theater.

We're going to get Rachel and Hugh to the stage.

- I got a joke for you. - Oh.

What has two hands and wants to grab a body.

- Deacon. - Yeah.

Good morning.

Well, well, well.

Look what the cat dragged in.

So... give me the dish.

Did you go home last night with a snowboarding stud?

Uh, I did go home with Deacon.

And?

- We had sex. - Really?

Was it good. Was it "playsurable"?

It started out "playsurable," um,

but then Deacon put his finger in my butt.

That's a big finger. I shook his hand.

And then he did something

that I didn't think people did,

which is he put my finger...

- In his butt. - ...in my butt.

In your butt!

My own finger was in my butt! Larry!

- You got Deaconed. - Oh!

Hey, team, just wanted to let you know

that Connie is calling an emergency

workplace sexual harassment meeting today at 3:00.

- It's mandatory. - What happened?

Did Deacon get a job here?

Someone... we don't know who...

has been drawing some of our female employees nude

and in various compromised positions

with some of our jigsaw animation proprietary characters.

Why doesn't Ken Choi just go to this meeting?

We don't know that Ken Choi drew these.

No, we do know that Ken Choi drew these.

He drew one of me.

I'm naked being taken by a dragon.

Being taken by a dragon.

- I wonder, is that "playsurable"? - No.

Guys, I'm just the messenger. This is Connie's meeting.

What is Connie's meeting?

- Whoa. No! No! Don't look! - Excuse me, sorry, sir.

Do not look at these. Rachel, I am sorry.

We have to go to a sexual harassment meeting

because of Ken Choi.

Okay, hey, guys, enough with the finger-pointing.

Yeah, Rachel, let's stop with the finger-pointing.

(Rachel) Okay, Larry.

I will see you all at 3:00.

Yes.

(exhales)

- What? - Tough morning.

What happened?

I just spent $1,200 to fix a pickup truck

whose total value is probably not $1,200.

Is that why you called me last night?

Thank you both for answering your phones

in my time of need.

Hugh, you called at 11:56 at night, okay?

That's too late. I was sleeping.

I was... in... bed asleep by myself.

Hugh, getting down to business for a second,

what is the status of your relationship with Sam?

Oh, that's right, 'cause everything with Sam

is your business.

Let me get a cup of coffee.

So you don't want to give us a Sam relationship update?

- No. - A quick one?

- No. - (cell phone chiming)

Oh, Sam. She's calling right now.

Hugh, she's calling. Maybe it's about our script.

- Answer it. Get it, get it. - I'm gonna get it.

I got it. She's on the phone.

- Hey! - Do you see that photo on his phone?

With her sunglasses?

Like, I'm so pretty. Oh, hi, Hugh.

- She's very pretty. - She's not that pretty.

She's one of the most beautiful people I've ever seen.

What?

Wow! Really? Fan... fantastic.

Yes, absolutely. We will be there.

Uh, love you too.

Oh.

What? What? Gimme!

I hate to break it to you, Larry,

but your scheme paid off.

Paul Skidmore wants to meet us today, 4:00

at the Langham Hotel lounge to discuss "Mr. First Lady."

- Ay! - Oh, that's crazy!

- Let's all buy suits! - Good!

Really, Larry? We couldn't valet?

My car, my rules.

Well, we took your car because ostensibly it's the nice car,

but if you don't valet it,

there's no point in taking the nice car.

Well, I wasn't gonna pay a billion dollars

to valet my car.

It's $14.

So pretty.

I mean... look at us.

The Langham Hotel. We all look great.

Well, you look insane.

Oh, your tag.

No, no, no. I'm gonna return it.

Oh, my God.

What is going on with this suit?

Paul Skidmore is a sartorialist.

Do you know what "sartorialist" means?

- Yes, I do. - No.

It means someone who's very into fashion.

Dress for the job you want, guys,

not for the job you have.

You look like a gay doll.

Let's take a selfie and capture the moment.

Which is better? Like here?

Here, my arms are long... God, this tag.

Does somebody have tape?

Oh, in my purse...

I'll be happy to take your picture.

Oh, yes. That is a nice one.

Oh, don't be afraid.

Well, you did say you were gonna spend every day

- plotting to destroy us. - (chuckles)

Well, perhaps I was having a bad day.

But today is a great day.

Today is just closed on a very big film.

I'm very excited about it.

Enjoy your stay at the Langham Hotel.

Oh, here.

Oh.

Don't want you to look like a fool.

Don't need this 700 bucks.

My God, that is a frightening gentleman.

- He valeted. - Yeah.

Should we sit? Should we stand?

We are standing.

Right, but is that good? Is that bad?

Is it wrong? What...

Who's in charge of the seating?

Like, for this evening. Are we supposed to get a table

or is that something that they're gonna do for us?

Oh, my God, would you please promise me

you will try to be just normal people?

Just... just for today?

Yeah, I'm gonna sit.

- Does this look weird? - Yes.

You look like you're in a wheelchair.

Remind me again their names.

Hugh, Larry, and Rachel.

That's right. I know this.

Hugh is the handsome, sexy one,

Larry is the red-faced desperate one,

- and Rachel is the bitch. - Yep, you got it.

Oh, they're here. Hi.

What is she wearing?

It looks like you could have worn your hooker outfit.

Okay, guys, this is Paul Skidmore.

- Hello. - Paul.

This is Hugh.

Hi, I'm Paul.

- Hi. - This is Larry.

- Hi, I'm Paul. - What a surprise.

I didn't realize you were a fellow sartorialist.

And this is Rachel.

Hi, I'm Paul.

Paul, so nice to meet you.

Rachel, you look... lovely.

Okay, you know what? I'm not doing this.

(whispering) What was that?

I have to say something. I'm talking to her.

Um, Paul, I'm gonna be right back, okay?

You guys take care of him.

(whispering) You're gonna be safe.

- Okay. - Okay!

She takes great care of me.

Yeah.

Should we stand, sit?

Let's sit.

But where? That is the question.

Let's just wait for Sam.

Oh, my God.

I think we need to talk.

Yeah, yeah, sure.

I mean, obviously,

you still have feelings for Hugh.

- You know... - (dryer whirring)

(sighs)

You know, Sam usually sorts this kind of thing out.

Huh.

I-I, you know, I bet we could just sit down.

Yeah, but I wouldn't want to sit in the wrong chair.

Let's just wait for Sam. I'm sure she'll be back soon.

Can I get you something to drink while you're waiting?

Um, would I like something to drink

while I'm standing here waiting with two strangers?

Um...

uh...

I'll have a tequila.

Do you want blanco or reposado?

It doesn't matter.

- Whatever you can get here fastest. - Sure.

I'll have a Hobner's gin fizzie,

but instead of the lemon, I'll have elderberry root, um,

and if the sugar isn't pure... sugar, cane sugar, certified...

uh, no sugar whatsoever, please.

That's crazy.

That's my drink.

Ha. Two of those, please.

Excellent choice.

- I'm an actor, by the way, so... - Oh.

Really nice to meet you. (chuckles)

Not a lot of people order that drink.

No.

Just the two of you.

Just say it. You have feelings for Hugh.

I don't! (stammering)

I had a date last night. We had sex.

He put my finger in my butt.

Your finger?

So, that's... that is weird.

I thought that was... weird.

I, um...

did have feelings for Hugh, but I have a daughter

and we work together and...

Rachel.

Do you want Hugh to be happy?

Yes.

Well, he is happy.

With me.

Right.

Are you okay?

Because I'm not trying to be a bitch or anything.

No, no, I've been the bitch.

- No. - No, I... I have.

I know, I'm kidding. You've been a huge bitch.

- Oh. - (laughing)

Good one.

Yeah.

Well, it, uh...

probably didn't help that you are perfect-looking.

No, I'm not.

I had this terrible gawky face

in high school and...

You know, models always say that.

But I was like legit gawky. Like...

- like unibrow and, um... - Mm-hmm.

Headgear and a bionator.

What is a bionator?

So it's like a retainer, which I also had,

but you have to bite down on it like this when you talk,

so that's how, yeah.

Well, you ended up very pretty.

Come on.

You know, when I called you Malibu Barbie,

I... meant that as a compliment.

That was... that was my favorite Barbie.

I used to make my Barbies have sex.

- I did that, too. - Did you?

Yeah, yeah, I would do that.

(both laughing)

All right, here are your drinks.

Oh, thank you.

Um, would you also mind if I gave you my head shot?

Oh. No, it's great.

I'm SAG eligible, so... Thank you so much.

Thank you so much.

This is silly. Let's just take a seat.

There's no such thing as a wrong chair.

- Paul, you're sitting in the wrong chair. - (scoffs)

Okay, come on, guys. Come on, kids.

Paul, I think you should be right there.

Ah. Of course.

Um, Rachel and Larry, the couch, anywhere,

- but maybe you should be in the middle. - Oh.

And Hugh, right here.

And I'm gonna sit right here.

And this leaves this chair for our surprise guest.

- Surprise guest? - Mm-hmm.

When I read your script, I immediately knew

who should play the president.

This woman is brilliant.

She's hilarious.

She's drop-dead gorgeous and she can open a movie.

Jennifer Aniston?

- No, not Jenny. - Sandra Bullock?

No, not Sandy.

- Paula Poundstone. - No, not P.P.

- (woman laughing) - Oh, there she is now. There's my muse.

Hi!

Oh, look at you.

- Look at you. - Look at you.

Oh, no, this is not good.

Should we leave?

I can't move.

I think my spine is melting.

Hi!

You guys, Melissa McCarthy.

- Hi. - Hi.

Look at who's so handsome with his gray whiskers.

He's like Sean Connery.

Oh.

Larry, I heard Jen is pregnant with twins.

Mazel top.

Thank you.

And you, look at you. You look amazing.

Oh, you can take an older woman's top

and make it so chic.

- Ohh. - Mmm.

So you all know each other?

Do we know each other? They were at my wedding.

Rachel was in my wedding. We go back to Groundlings.

I love my Hugh, Larry, and Rachel.

(laughs)

Hugh, why didn't you tell me that you knew Melissa?

I thought I... Didn't I?

Hugh.

Well, this is all too perfect.

Let's sit, sit, sit, sit.

We have you here.

- Okay. - Yes.

Oh, you know what? I don't want to be terrible

because I swear I'm not that gal,

but I just don't feel like this is the right chair for me.

Then it's not the chair for you.

I don't think it is

and I thought that maybe, maybe Hugh and Rachel...

Switch, Larry... moves left.

I-I just see you here, you here kind of bookending it.

Hugh, you would probably go over here.

Larry, you're gonna wanna move left.

And then Hugh and Rachel should probably switch,

continuing Larry's movement left.

Like I said before, just keep moving left.

Okay, like that?

If that feels better for you.

- This is great. This is great. - Yeah.

Oh. (exhales)

(exhales)

You're right. This is better.

- This is perfect. - Better.

It's almost perfect, you're right.

Almost perfect?

I think it's us.

I think we just need to do a little dipsy-do.

Yes, that's what I was thinking, too.

Dipsy-do, were you thinking like a dance number?

(Melissa laughs)

- Okay. Hello. - Yes.

And where should...

- Anywhere's fine. - Oh.

A chair's a chair.

How do you feel?

- I feel good. - Great.

Are you having a Hobner's fizzie?

- Guilty, um... - (laughter)

Would you like one?

No, thank you.

I'm only intaking hot juice after 3:00 p.m.

Oh, I love hot juices.

- Don't you? I do too. - Yeah.

What's hot juice?

It's juice that's hot.

I'm gonna go find you some hot juice.

And I'm gonna go along and make sure

that they hand-shave it with a stone pestle.

Skidmore, you are spoiling me rotten.

Well, you deserve it, don't you, McCarthy?

- You're the best. - Well, you're the best.

You are, you are, you are, you are.

Oh, my God, Melissa,

I cannot tell you how relieved we are.

We thought you were mad at us.

Shut up. You shut your big-tooth,

big bushy-browed face. God, you've got a dumb face.

I don't know how you shit faces

got yourselves squirreled away with Paul,

but you're playing with fire

and I'm gonna enjoy watching you guys burn to the ground.

Melissa, I hear what you're saying...

Larry, why is your dirty, stupid mouth hole talking to me?

You know what I'm gonna do?

I'm gonna take that little pocket square

that you folded incorrectly

and I'm gonna snap it up

so it almost becomes like a wire

and I'm gonna wrap it around

those little, tiny testicles of yours

and I'm gonna pull it tight. Not too tight.

Not too tight, but tight enough to make 'em shiny

and start to lose blood supply and get real dark purple

and then right when you're writhing in pain,

I'm gonna snap it and I'm gonna pop those testicles off

and shove 'em down that mouth hole.

And I'm gonna make you choke on your own balls.

So you are still mad?

Do you know that my children have no home?

We are living out of suitcases

on the third, fourth, and fifth floor of this hotel.

Can't you know how that feels

to live in a hotel for 34 days?

It sounds nice. That's three floors...

Ow!

What does that sound like, Santa Claus?

Ow! Melissa, that's all skin.

That's nipple hair. I can... I can feel it tuggin'.

Ah! Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Do you realize that the only reason

I've agreed to do your piece-of-shit movie

is because that man up there is a little baby angel on Earth.

I'm confused. I thought you liked our script.

You know what I'm gonna do, Larry?

'Cause you can't seem to keep that mouth hole shut.

I'm gonna fill it with coal and I'm gonna light it on fire

and I'm gonna let my kids make s'mores

off of your charred bones.

And when they're cleaning their little sticky fingers,

I'm gonna say, that pile of ash is a dead Larry

and they're gonna throw their little heads back

and they're gonna laugh and then I'm gonna let them pee on you.

And I'm gonna sweep it into a gutter.

So stop disagreeing with me.

Do you know who I am?

(whispering) I'm Melissa (bleep) McCarthey.

That's who I am.

And you are nobodies.

- Nobodies. - (straining)

(laughing) You're it.

(Hugh groaning)

Bad news... the hotel can't locate the stone pestle.

But Sam's on it.

Apparently, they have one at the pool bar.

Why is it always at the pool bar?

I hope I'm not too much trouble.

Never too much trouble for you, baby.

You know what I'm thinking? Call me crazy.

Could you sit in that power seat over there?

That chair?

- It's just feeling like directionally... - That is perfect.

Look at this.

- I like it. - I like it, too.

- How's everyone doing? - Good.

- Good. - Good. - Very good.

Not "very good."

We're the same exact good as Melissa.

No more or less and we're on the same page

and no disagree... ments.

Were you talking about "Mr. First Lady"?

Yes, yes, we were. Weren't we talking about that?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I was just telling them how good their script is, wasn't I?

They can't wait to start shooting.

Did you tell them what part I wanted Ben to play?

I didn't. I wanted you to do it.

I think that Ben would be perfect as...

- ...the butler. - (Melissa gasps)

Because he's so good at being weaselly, right?

Well, he's a perfect weasel. We're on the same page.

We're always on the same page.

- Hey, I'm so sorry to interrupt... - Yes.

...but I have Bill Murray, Pharrell,

Alexander Payne, and Sidney Poitier

on the phone for you.

Oh, okay. You know what?

I'm so sorry. I never do this.

You know I never do this, but it's so hard to get...

Of course.

- ...Sidney Poitier on the phone. - Go.

I'm collaborating on an album with them.

Sometimes they just need me to kind of

hum through the rhythm section, so forgive me.

(laughs) I'll be right back.

Sidney! How are you all in Madrid?

That is so unfair. I'm gonna...

Now that we have a minute alone,

there's something you need to know about Melissa McCarthey.

There's another side that perhaps you haven't seen.

Don't get me wrong, I adore the woman.

But occasionally she can be a bloodthirsty,

offensive monster.

Uh, Melissa?

I'm so relieved that she likes you,

because one thing you need to know

about my relationship with Melissa

is that I need to be the good cop.

So, if we're gonna do this picture together,

you need to be bad cops.

Oh, my God.

That was Christian Bale's job on "Friendly Skies."

I'm not gonna lie to you. It was very tough on him.

It almost crushed him.

There was a lot of tears on that set.

We had to bring in a therapist full time.

Brilliant man, Dr. Blaine Kaine.

He's not a doctor.

Yes, he's also a part-time actor, correct.

See, it should be easy for you.

Melissa adores you. She's your friend.

And at this point in my life,

I need to be on set with people who can say, no!

To Melissa.

Is that you?

Yeah, we're not afraid of Melissa.

I'm back!

- Oh, no! - Oh, my God!

(Melissa laughs)

Were you talking about me?

- No, we were not. - No, no, no, no, no.

- (Sam) Found juice! - No.

- Juice. Here you go. - Ohh...

- It's hot. - ...boy, I hope it's hot.

- Avocado. - Don't burn yourself.

- Okay, let me take this. - Oh, it is. Ooh.

Good luck on your one-man show.

- Oh, thank you. - Here you go.

Would it be presumptuous of me to propose a toast?

No. Please do.

To "Mr. First Lady."

Be careful what you wish for

because your dreams might just come true.

(Melissa gasps) Cheers.

(glasses clink)

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