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1
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_
2
00:00:01,834 --> 00:00:04,157
You almost blew up our
meeting with Sam.
3
00:00:04,158 --> 00:00:05,904
Why are we talking so much about Sam?
4
00:00:05,905 --> 00:00:09,836
It's like this lady came into our
lives and busted up our threesome.
5
00:00:09,837 --> 00:00:14,031
I signed up for a dating website and
I just got asked out on a date.
6
00:00:14,032 --> 00:00:17,114
Hello ladies and gentleman welcome
to the Groundlings theater.
7
00:00:17,115 --> 00:00:19,640
We're going to get Rachel
and Hugh to the stage.
8
00:00:21,775 --> 00:00:23,742
- I got a joke for you.
- Oh.
9
00:00:23,743 --> 00:00:28,211
What has two hands and
wants to grab a body.
10
00:00:28,526 --> 00:00:29,997
- Deacon.
- Yeah.
11
00:00:33,316 --> 00:00:35,084
Good morning.
12
00:00:35,085 --> 00:00:36,853
Well, well, well.
13
00:00:36,854 --> 00:00:39,254
Look what the cat dragged in.
14
00:00:39,255 --> 00:00:42,892
So... give me the dish.
15
00:00:42,893 --> 00:00:46,095
Did you go home last night
with a snowboarding stud?
16
00:00:46,096 --> 00:00:49,298
Uh, I did go home with Deacon.
17
00:00:49,299 --> 00:00:50,467
And?
18
00:00:50,468 --> 00:00:52,735
- We had sex.
- Really?
19
00:00:52,736 --> 00:00:55,005
Was it good. Was it "playsurable"?
20
00:00:55,006 --> 00:00:58,008
It started out "playsurable," um,
21
00:00:58,009 --> 00:01:01,877
but then Deacon put
his finger in my butt.
22
00:01:01,878 --> 00:01:04,547
That's a big finger. I shook his hand.
23
00:01:04,548 --> 00:01:05,849
And then he did something
24
00:01:05,850 --> 00:01:08,584
that I didn't think people did,
25
00:01:08,585 --> 00:01:10,886
which is he put my finger...
26
00:01:10,887 --> 00:01:12,587
- In his butt.
- ...in my butt.
27
00:01:12,588 --> 00:01:13,890
In your butt!
28
00:01:13,891 --> 00:01:16,926
My own finger was in my butt! Larry!
29
00:01:16,927 --> 00:01:19,228
- You got Deaconed.
- Oh!
30
00:01:19,229 --> 00:01:21,664
Hey, team, just wanted to let you know
31
00:01:21,665 --> 00:01:23,365
that Connie is calling an emergency
32
00:01:23,366 --> 00:01:26,002
workplace sexual harassment
meeting today at 3:00.
33
00:01:26,003 --> 00:01:28,371
- It's mandatory.
- What happened?
34
00:01:28,372 --> 00:01:30,440
Did Deacon get a job here?
35
00:01:30,441 --> 00:01:32,943
Someone... we don't know who...
36
00:01:32,944 --> 00:01:35,946
has been drawing some
of our female employees nude
37
00:01:35,947 --> 00:01:38,113
and in various compromised positions
38
00:01:38,114 --> 00:01:41,684
with some of our jigsaw
animation proprietary characters.
39
00:01:41,685 --> 00:01:43,513
Why doesn't Ken Choi
just go to this meeting?
40
00:01:43,514 --> 00:01:45,220
We don't know that Ken Choi drew these.
41
00:01:45,221 --> 00:01:47,690
No, we do know that
Ken Choi drew these.
42
00:01:47,691 --> 00:01:48,892
He drew one of me.
43
00:01:48,893 --> 00:01:52,595
I'm naked being taken by a dragon.
44
00:01:52,596 --> 00:01:54,030
Being taken by a dragon.
45
00:01:54,031 --> 00:01:55,964
- I wonder, is that "playsurable"?
- No.
46
00:01:55,965 --> 00:01:58,401
Guys, I'm just the messenger.
This is Connie's meeting.
47
00:01:58,402 --> 00:02:00,036
What is Connie's meeting?
48
00:02:00,037 --> 00:02:02,038
- Whoa. No! No! Don't look!
- Excuse me, sorry, sir.
49
00:02:02,039 --> 00:02:04,274
Do not look at these.
Rachel, I am sorry.
50
00:02:04,275 --> 00:02:07,443
We have to go to a sexual
harassment meeting
51
00:02:07,444 --> 00:02:09,545
because of Ken Choi.
52
00:02:09,546 --> 00:02:11,714
Okay, hey, guys, enough
with the finger-pointing.
53
00:02:11,715 --> 00:02:14,550
Yeah, Rachel, let's stop
with the finger-pointing.
54
00:02:14,551 --> 00:02:15,752
(Rachel) Okay, Larry.
55
00:02:15,753 --> 00:02:17,152
I will see you all at 3:00.
56
00:02:17,153 --> 00:02:19,389
Yes.
57
00:02:19,390 --> 00:02:20,789
(exhales)
58
00:02:20,790 --> 00:02:22,458
- What?
- Tough morning.
59
00:02:22,459 --> 00:02:23,827
What happened?
60
00:02:23,828 --> 00:02:25,728
I just spent $1,200
to fix a pickup truck
61
00:02:25,729 --> 00:02:28,598
whose total value is
probably not $1,200.
62
00:02:28,599 --> 00:02:29,931
Is that why you called me last night?
63
00:02:29,932 --> 00:02:31,467
Thank you both
for answering your phones
64
00:02:31,468 --> 00:02:32,735
in my time of need.
65
00:02:32,736 --> 00:02:36,739
Hugh, you called
at 11:56 at night, okay?
66
00:02:36,740 --> 00:02:38,741
That's too late. I was sleeping.
67
00:02:38,742 --> 00:02:43,113
I was... in... bed asleep by myself.
68
00:02:43,114 --> 00:02:46,114
Hugh, getting down
to business for a second,
69
00:02:46,115 --> 00:02:50,487
what is the status of your
relationship with Sam?
70
00:02:50,488 --> 00:02:53,789
Oh, that's right,
'cause everything with Sam
71
00:02:53,790 --> 00:02:55,491
is your business.
72
00:02:55,492 --> 00:02:57,360
Let me get a cup of coffee.
73
00:03:03,800 --> 00:03:06,769
So you don't want to give us
a Sam relationship update?
74
00:03:06,770 --> 00:03:07,937
- No.
- A quick one?
75
00:03:07,938 --> 00:03:09,005
- No.
- (cell phone chiming)
76
00:03:09,006 --> 00:03:10,507
Oh, Sam. She's calling right now.
77
00:03:10,508 --> 00:03:12,341
Hugh, she's calling.
Maybe it's about our script.
78
00:03:12,342 --> 00:03:14,109
- Answer it. Get it, get it.
- I'm gonna get it.
79
00:03:14,110 --> 00:03:15,512
I got it. She's on the phone.
80
00:03:15,513 --> 00:03:18,180
- Hey!
- Do you see that photo on his phone?
81
00:03:18,181 --> 00:03:19,515
With her sunglasses?
82
00:03:19,516 --> 00:03:22,019
Like, I'm so pretty. Oh, hi, Hugh.
83
00:03:22,020 --> 00:03:24,154
- She's very pretty.
- She's not that pretty.
84
00:03:24,155 --> 00:03:26,055
She's one of the most beautiful
people I've ever seen.
85
00:03:26,056 --> 00:03:26,722
What?
86
00:03:26,723 --> 00:03:29,192
Wow! Really? Fan... fantastic.
87
00:03:29,193 --> 00:03:31,627
Yes, absolutely. We will be there.
88
00:03:31,628 --> 00:03:33,462
Uh, love you too.
89
00:03:33,463 --> 00:03:34,864
Oh.
90
00:03:34,865 --> 00:03:37,233
What? What? Gimme!
91
00:03:37,234 --> 00:03:38,800
I hate to break it to you, Larry,
92
00:03:38,801 --> 00:03:40,036
but your scheme paid off.
93
00:03:40,037 --> 00:03:44,174
Paul Skidmore wants
to meet us today, 4:00
94
00:03:44,175 --> 00:03:49,179
at the Langham Hotel lounge
to discuss "Mr. First Lady."
95
00:03:49,180 --> 00:03:51,680
- Ay!
- Oh, that's crazy!
96
00:03:51,681 --> 00:03:54,050
- Let's all buy suits!
- Good!
97
00:03:56,820 --> 00:03:59,222
Really, Larry? We couldn't valet?
98
00:03:59,223 --> 00:04:00,823
My car, my rules.
99
00:04:00,824 --> 00:04:04,494
Well, we took your car because
ostensibly it's the nice car,
100
00:04:04,495 --> 00:04:05,995
but if you don't valet it,
101
00:04:05,996 --> 00:04:07,829
there's no point in taking
the nice car.
102
00:04:07,830 --> 00:04:09,666
Well, I wasn't gonna pay
a billion dollars
103
00:04:09,667 --> 00:04:10,866
to valet my car.
104
00:04:10,867 --> 00:04:12,869
It's $14.
105
00:04:12,870 --> 00:04:15,370
So pretty.
106
00:04:15,371 --> 00:04:17,907
I mean... look at us.
107
00:04:17,908 --> 00:04:20,910
The Langham Hotel. We all look great.
108
00:04:20,911 --> 00:04:22,277
Well, you look insane.
109
00:04:22,278 --> 00:04:23,412
Oh, your tag.
110
00:04:23,413 --> 00:04:25,114
No, no, no. I'm gonna return it.
111
00:04:25,115 --> 00:04:26,281
Oh, my God.
112
00:04:26,282 --> 00:04:28,518
What is going on with this suit?
113
00:04:28,519 --> 00:04:30,752
Paul Skidmore is a sartorialist.
114
00:04:30,753 --> 00:04:32,248
Do you know what "sartorialist" means?
115
00:04:32,249 --> 00:04:33,423
- Yes, I do.
- No.
116
00:04:33,424 --> 00:04:35,024
It means someone
who's very into fashion.
117
00:04:35,025 --> 00:04:37,126
Dress for the job you want, guys,
118
00:04:37,127 --> 00:04:38,761
not for the job you have.
119
00:04:38,762 --> 00:04:41,129
You look like a gay doll.
120
00:04:41,130 --> 00:04:45,100
Let's take a selfie
and capture the moment.
121
00:04:45,101 --> 00:04:46,768
Which is better? Like here?
122
00:04:46,769 --> 00:04:49,071
Here, my arms are long...
God, this tag.
123
00:04:49,072 --> 00:04:50,506
Does somebody have tape?
124
00:04:50,507 --> 00:04:51,773
Oh, in my purse...
125
00:04:51,774 --> 00:04:53,845
I'll be happy to take your picture.
126
00:04:57,814 --> 00:05:01,218
Oh, yes. That is a nice one.
127
00:05:04,353 --> 00:05:05,754
Oh, don't be afraid.
128
00:05:05,755 --> 00:05:08,224
Well, you did say you were
gonna spend every day
129
00:05:08,225 --> 00:05:11,059
- plotting to destroy us.
- (chuckles)
130
00:05:11,060 --> 00:05:13,828
Well, perhaps I was having a bad day.
131
00:05:13,829 --> 00:05:15,898
But today is a great day.
132
00:05:15,899 --> 00:05:18,967
Today is just closed
on a very big film.
133
00:05:18,968 --> 00:05:21,605
I'm very excited about it.
134
00:05:22,906 --> 00:05:26,210
Enjoy your stay at the Langham Hotel.
135
00:05:27,278 --> 00:05:29,112
Oh, here.
136
00:05:29,113 --> 00:05:30,145
Oh.
137
00:05:30,146 --> 00:05:31,681
Don't want you to look like a fool.
138
00:05:35,185 --> 00:05:37,320
Don't need this 700 bucks.
139
00:05:37,321 --> 00:05:39,991
My God, that is
a frightening gentleman.
140
00:05:42,925 --> 00:05:45,902
- He valeted.
- Yeah.
141
00:05:45,982 --> 00:05:47,321
142
00:05:47,441 --> 00:05:49,266
Should we sit? Should we stand?
143
00:05:49,267 --> 00:05:50,189
We are standing.
144
00:05:50,190 --> 00:05:51,524
Right, but is that good? Is that bad?
145
00:05:51,525 --> 00:05:52,625
Is it wrong? What...
146
00:05:52,626 --> 00:05:54,193
Who's in charge of the seating?
147
00:05:54,194 --> 00:05:56,094
Like, for this evening.
Are we supposed to get a table
148
00:05:56,095 --> 00:05:58,097
or is that something that
they're gonna do for us?
149
00:05:58,098 --> 00:06:00,233
Oh, my God, would you please promise me
150
00:06:00,234 --> 00:06:02,435
you will try to be just normal people?
151
00:06:02,436 --> 00:06:03,936
Just... just for today?
152
00:06:03,937 --> 00:06:05,339
Yeah, I'm gonna sit.
153
00:06:06,973 --> 00:06:09,041
- Does this look weird?
- Yes.
154
00:06:09,042 --> 00:06:10,510
You look like you're in a wheelchair.
155
00:06:10,511 --> 00:06:12,311
Remind me again their names.
156
00:06:12,312 --> 00:06:13,645
Hugh, Larry, and Rachel.
157
00:06:13,646 --> 00:06:14,847
That's right. I know this.
158
00:06:14,848 --> 00:06:16,649
Hugh is the handsome, sexy one,
159
00:06:16,650 --> 00:06:18,784
Larry is the red-faced desperate one,
160
00:06:18,785 --> 00:06:20,786
- and Rachel is the bitch.
- Yep, you got it.
161
00:06:20,787 --> 00:06:23,188
Oh, they're here. Hi.
162
00:06:23,189 --> 00:06:24,623
What is she wearing?
163
00:06:24,624 --> 00:06:26,993
It looks like you could have
worn your hooker outfit.
164
00:06:26,994 --> 00:06:30,029
Okay, guys, this is Paul Skidmore.
165
00:06:30,030 --> 00:06:31,464
- Hello.
- Paul.
166
00:06:31,465 --> 00:06:32,631
This is Hugh.
167
00:06:32,632 --> 00:06:33,998
Hi, I'm Paul.
168
00:06:33,999 --> 00:06:35,902
- Hi.
- This is Larry.
169
00:06:35,903 --> 00:06:37,904
- Hi, I'm Paul.
- What a surprise.
170
00:06:37,905 --> 00:06:39,972
I didn't realize you were
a fellow sartorialist.
171
00:06:39,973 --> 00:06:41,707
And this is Rachel.
172
00:06:41,708 --> 00:06:42,842
Hi, I'm Paul.
173
00:06:42,843 --> 00:06:44,710
Paul, so nice to meet you.
174
00:06:44,711 --> 00:06:46,912
Rachel, you look... lovely.
175
00:06:46,913 --> 00:06:49,150
Okay, you know what?
I'm not doing this.
176
00:06:53,019 --> 00:06:54,520
(whispering) What was that?
177
00:06:54,521 --> 00:06:56,255
I have to say something.
I'm talking to her.
178
00:06:56,256 --> 00:06:59,659
Um, Paul, I'm gonna be
right back, okay?
179
00:06:59,660 --> 00:07:01,060
You guys take care of him.
180
00:07:01,061 --> 00:07:02,494
(whispering) You're gonna be safe.
181
00:07:02,495 --> 00:07:04,231
- Okay.
- Okay!
182
00:07:06,033 --> 00:07:07,400
She takes great care of me.
183
00:07:07,401 --> 00:07:08,935
Yeah.
184
00:07:08,936 --> 00:07:10,835
Should we stand, sit?
185
00:07:10,836 --> 00:07:13,073
Let's sit.
186
00:07:13,074 --> 00:07:16,376
But where? That is the question.
187
00:07:16,377 --> 00:07:17,544
Let's just wait for Sam.
188
00:07:22,215 --> 00:07:23,082
Oh, my God.
189
00:07:23,083 --> 00:07:24,683
I think we need to talk.
190
00:07:24,684 --> 00:07:26,251
Yeah, yeah, sure.
191
00:07:26,252 --> 00:07:27,287
I mean, obviously,
192
00:07:27,288 --> 00:07:28,921
you still have feelings for Hugh.
193
00:07:28,922 --> 00:07:30,388
- You know...
- (dryer whirring)
194
00:07:30,389 --> 00:07:32,190
(sighs)
195
00:07:32,191 --> 00:07:35,227
You know, Sam usually sorts
this kind of thing out.
196
00:07:35,228 --> 00:07:36,561
Huh.
197
00:07:36,562 --> 00:07:39,231
I-I, you know,
I bet we could just sit down.
198
00:07:39,232 --> 00:07:42,034
Yeah, but I wouldn't want
to sit in the wrong chair.
199
00:07:42,035 --> 00:07:44,503
Let's just wait for Sam.
I'm sure she'll be back soon.
200
00:07:44,504 --> 00:07:46,705
Can I get you something to
drink while you're waiting?
201
00:07:46,706 --> 00:07:48,274
Um, would I like something to drink
202
00:07:48,275 --> 00:07:49,709
while I'm standing here
waiting with two strangers?
203
00:07:49,710 --> 00:07:50,743
Um...
204
00:07:50,744 --> 00:07:52,577
uh...
205
00:07:52,578 --> 00:07:54,313
I'll have a tequila.
206
00:07:54,314 --> 00:07:55,881
Do you want blanco or reposado?
207
00:07:55,882 --> 00:07:57,282
It doesn't matter.
208
00:07:57,283 --> 00:07:58,622
- Whatever you can get here fastest.
- Sure.
209
00:07:58,623 --> 00:08:00,286
I'll have a Hobner's gin fizzie,
210
00:08:00,287 --> 00:08:02,222
but instead of the lemon,
I'll have elderberry root, um,
211
00:08:02,223 --> 00:08:06,224
and if the sugar isn't pure...
sugar, cane sugar, certified...
212
00:08:06,225 --> 00:08:08,460
uh, no sugar whatsoever, please.
213
00:08:08,461 --> 00:08:10,330
That's crazy.
214
00:08:10,331 --> 00:08:12,231
That's my drink.
215
00:08:12,232 --> 00:08:14,334
Ha. Two of those, please.
216
00:08:14,335 --> 00:08:16,135
Excellent choice.
217
00:08:16,136 --> 00:08:19,138
- I'm an actor, by the way, so...
- Oh.
218
00:08:19,139 --> 00:08:21,274
Really nice to meet you. (chuckles)
219
00:08:21,275 --> 00:08:24,109
Not a lot of people order that drink.
220
00:08:24,110 --> 00:08:25,811
No.
221
00:08:25,812 --> 00:08:28,114
Just the two of you.
222
00:08:28,115 --> 00:08:30,683
Just say it.
You have feelings for Hugh.
223
00:08:30,684 --> 00:08:31,917
I don't! (stammering)
224
00:08:31,918 --> 00:08:33,452
I had a date last night. We had sex.
225
00:08:33,453 --> 00:08:34,854
He put my finger in my butt.
226
00:08:34,855 --> 00:08:36,255
Your finger?
227
00:08:36,256 --> 00:08:37,957
So, that's... that is weird.
228
00:08:37,958 --> 00:08:40,659
I thought that was... weird.
229
00:08:40,660 --> 00:08:43,296
I, um...
230
00:08:43,297 --> 00:08:46,765
did have feelings for Hugh,
but I have a daughter
231
00:08:46,766 --> 00:08:48,767
and we work together and...
232
00:08:48,768 --> 00:08:51,938
Rachel.
233
00:08:51,939 --> 00:08:53,404
Do you want Hugh to be happy?
234
00:08:53,405 --> 00:08:54,573
Yes.
235
00:08:54,574 --> 00:08:56,341
Well, he is happy.
236
00:08:56,342 --> 00:08:57,477
With me.
237
00:08:57,478 --> 00:08:59,711
Right.
238
00:08:59,712 --> 00:09:01,113
Are you okay?
239
00:09:01,114 --> 00:09:03,148
Because I'm not trying to
be a bitch or anything.
240
00:09:03,149 --> 00:09:05,517
No, no, I've been the bitch.
241
00:09:05,518 --> 00:09:07,485
- No.
- No, I... I have.
242
00:09:07,486 --> 00:09:09,589
I know, I'm kidding.
You've been a huge bitch.
243
00:09:09,590 --> 00:09:10,889
- Oh.
- (laughing)
244
00:09:10,890 --> 00:09:12,492
Good one.
245
00:09:12,493 --> 00:09:13,892
Yeah.
246
00:09:13,893 --> 00:09:16,463
Well, it, uh...
247
00:09:16,464 --> 00:09:19,965
probably didn't help that
you are perfect-looking.
248
00:09:19,966 --> 00:09:21,133
No, I'm not.
249
00:09:21,134 --> 00:09:23,835
I had this terrible gawky face
250
00:09:23,836 --> 00:09:25,171
in high school and...
251
00:09:25,172 --> 00:09:28,007
You know, models always say that.
252
00:09:28,008 --> 00:09:32,344
But I was like legit gawky. Like...
253
00:09:32,345 --> 00:09:35,815
- like unibrow and, um...
- Mm-hmm.
254
00:09:35,816 --> 00:09:39,085
Headgear and a bionator.
255
00:09:39,086 --> 00:09:41,052
What is a bionator?
256
00:09:41,053 --> 00:09:42,885
So it's like a retainer,
which I also had,
257
00:09:42,886 --> 00:09:46,024
but you have to bite down on
it like this when you talk,
258
00:09:46,025 --> 00:09:47,225
so that's how, yeah.
259
00:09:47,226 --> 00:09:50,230
Well, you ended up very pretty.
260
00:09:51,365 --> 00:09:53,464
Come on.
261
00:09:54,567 --> 00:09:56,902
You know, when I called
you Malibu Barbie,
262
00:09:56,903 --> 00:09:59,471
I... meant that as a compliment.
263
00:09:59,472 --> 00:10:01,508
That was... that was
my favorite Barbie.
264
00:10:01,509 --> 00:10:03,743
I used to make my Barbies have sex.
265
00:10:03,744 --> 00:10:05,244
- I did that, too.
- Did you?
266
00:10:05,245 --> 00:10:06,845
Yeah, yeah, I would do that.
267
00:10:06,846 --> 00:10:08,248
(both laughing)
268
00:10:09,697 --> 00:10:12,086
All right, here are your drinks.
269
00:10:12,087 --> 00:10:13,746
Oh, thank you.
270
00:10:13,747 --> 00:10:16,549
Um, would you also mind
if I gave you my head shot?
271
00:10:16,550 --> 00:10:18,084
Oh. No, it's great.
272
00:10:18,085 --> 00:10:20,587
I'm SAG eligible, so...
Thank you so much.
273
00:10:20,588 --> 00:10:22,090
Thank you so much.
274
00:10:25,492 --> 00:10:27,660
This is silly. Let's just take a seat.
275
00:10:27,661 --> 00:10:29,563
There's no such thing as a wrong chair.
276
00:10:29,564 --> 00:10:32,131
- Paul, you're sitting in the wrong chair.
- (scoffs)
277
00:10:32,132 --> 00:10:34,433
Okay, come on, guys. Come on, kids.
278
00:10:34,434 --> 00:10:37,236
Paul, I think you
should be right there.
279
00:10:37,237 --> 00:10:38,639
Ah. Of course.
280
00:10:38,640 --> 00:10:42,509
Um, Rachel and Larry,
the couch, anywhere,
281
00:10:42,510 --> 00:10:44,711
- but maybe you should be in the middle.
- Oh.
282
00:10:44,712 --> 00:10:47,079
And Hugh, right here.
283
00:10:47,080 --> 00:10:50,483
And I'm gonna sit right here.
284
00:10:50,484 --> 00:10:55,890
And this leaves this chair
for our surprise guest.
285
00:10:55,891 --> 00:10:57,124
- Surprise guest?
- Mm-hmm.
286
00:10:57,125 --> 00:10:58,883
When I read your script,
I immediately knew
287
00:10:58,884 --> 00:11:00,232
who should play the president.
288
00:11:00,233 --> 00:11:02,669
This woman is brilliant.
289
00:11:02,670 --> 00:11:04,102
She's hilarious.
290
00:11:04,103 --> 00:11:07,406
She's drop-dead gorgeous
and she can open a movie.
291
00:11:07,407 --> 00:11:08,607
Jennifer Aniston?
292
00:11:08,608 --> 00:11:10,342
- No, not Jenny.
- Sandra Bullock?
293
00:11:10,343 --> 00:11:11,443
No, not Sandy.
294
00:11:11,444 --> 00:11:13,679
- Paula Poundstone.
- No, not P.P.
295
00:11:13,680 --> 00:11:17,449
- (woman laughing)
- Oh, there she is now. There's my muse.
296
00:11:17,450 --> 00:11:18,784
Hi!
297
00:11:18,785 --> 00:11:20,620
Oh, look at you.
298
00:11:20,621 --> 00:11:22,121
- Look at you.
- Look at you.
299
00:11:22,122 --> 00:11:23,622
Oh, no, this is not good.
300
00:11:23,623 --> 00:11:24,624
Should we leave?
301
00:11:24,625 --> 00:11:25,824
I can't move.
302
00:11:25,825 --> 00:11:27,659
I think my spine is melting.
303
00:11:27,660 --> 00:11:29,261
Hi!
304
00:11:29,262 --> 00:11:30,797
You guys, Melissa McCarthy.
305
00:11:30,798 --> 00:11:32,098
- Hi.
- Hi.
306
00:11:32,099 --> 00:11:35,101
Look at who's so handsome
with his gray whiskers.
307
00:11:35,102 --> 00:11:36,602
He's like Sean Connery.
308
00:11:36,603 --> 00:11:37,369
Oh.
309
00:11:37,370 --> 00:11:39,639
Larry, I heard Jen is
pregnant with twins.
310
00:11:39,640 --> 00:11:40,807
Mazel top.
311
00:11:40,808 --> 00:11:42,674
Thank you.
312
00:11:42,675 --> 00:11:45,311
And you, look at you. You look amazing.
313
00:11:45,312 --> 00:11:47,746
Oh, you can take an older woman's top
314
00:11:47,747 --> 00:11:49,948
and make it so chic.
315
00:11:49,949 --> 00:11:52,151
- Ohh.
- Mmm.
316
00:11:52,152 --> 00:11:53,919
So you all know each other?
317
00:11:53,920 --> 00:11:56,188
Do we know each other?
They were at my wedding.
318
00:11:56,189 --> 00:11:58,691
Rachel was in my wedding.
We go back to Groundlings.
319
00:11:58,692 --> 00:12:00,760
I love my Hugh, Larry, and Rachel.
320
00:12:00,761 --> 00:12:02,062
(laughs)
321
00:12:02,063 --> 00:12:05,197
Hugh, why didn't you tell me
that you knew Melissa?
322
00:12:05,198 --> 00:12:06,933
I thought I... Didn't I?
323
00:12:06,934 --> 00:12:08,366
Hugh.
324
00:12:08,367 --> 00:12:09,736
Well, this is all too perfect.
325
00:12:09,737 --> 00:12:11,337
Let's sit, sit, sit, sit.
326
00:12:11,338 --> 00:12:13,039
We have you here.
327
00:12:13,040 --> 00:12:14,673
- Okay.
- Yes.
328
00:12:14,674 --> 00:12:18,144
Oh, you know what?
I don't want to be terrible
329
00:12:18,145 --> 00:12:20,112
because I swear I'm not that gal,
330
00:12:20,113 --> 00:12:24,149
but I just don't feel like this
is the right chair for me.
331
00:12:24,150 --> 00:12:25,250
Then it's not the chair for you.
332
00:12:25,251 --> 00:12:26,751
I don't think it is
333
00:12:26,752 --> 00:12:28,321
and I thought that maybe,
maybe Hugh and Rachel...
334
00:12:28,322 --> 00:12:30,023
Switch, Larry... moves left.
335
00:12:30,024 --> 00:12:33,525
I-I just see you here,
you here kind of bookending it.
336
00:12:33,526 --> 00:12:35,160
Hugh, you would probably go over here.
337
00:12:35,161 --> 00:12:36,662
Larry, you're gonna wanna move left.
338
00:12:36,663 --> 00:12:38,798
And then Hugh and Rachel
should probably switch,
339
00:12:38,799 --> 00:12:41,534
continuing Larry's movement left.
340
00:12:41,535 --> 00:12:43,403
Like I said before,
just keep moving left.
341
00:12:43,404 --> 00:12:44,537
Okay, like that?
342
00:12:44,538 --> 00:12:46,338
If that feels better for you.
343
00:12:46,339 --> 00:12:48,341
- This is great. This is great.
- Yeah.
344
00:12:48,342 --> 00:12:51,110
Oh. (exhales)
345
00:12:51,111 --> 00:12:51,950
(exhales)
346
00:12:51,951 --> 00:12:53,484
You're right. This is better.
347
00:12:53,485 --> 00:12:54,719
- This is perfect.
- Better.
348
00:12:54,720 --> 00:12:57,321
It's almost perfect, you're right.
349
00:12:57,322 --> 00:12:58,489
Almost perfect?
350
00:12:58,490 --> 00:12:59,856
I think it's us.
351
00:12:59,857 --> 00:13:02,426
I think we just need to do
a little dipsy-do.
352
00:13:02,427 --> 00:13:04,295
Yes, that's what I was thinking, too.
353
00:13:04,296 --> 00:13:06,630
Dipsy-do, were you thinking
like a dance number?
354
00:13:06,631 --> 00:13:07,797
(Melissa laughs)
355
00:13:07,798 --> 00:13:09,966
- Okay. Hello.
- Yes.
356
00:13:09,967 --> 00:13:11,034
And where should...
357
00:13:11,035 --> 00:13:12,135
- Anywhere's fine.
- Oh.
358
00:13:12,136 --> 00:13:13,671
A chair's a chair.
359
00:13:13,672 --> 00:13:14,904
How do you feel?
360
00:13:14,905 --> 00:13:16,306
- I feel good.
- Great.
361
00:13:16,307 --> 00:13:18,207
Are you having a Hobner's fizzie?
362
00:13:18,208 --> 00:13:19,810
- Guilty, um...
- (laughter)
363
00:13:19,811 --> 00:13:20,878
Would you like one?
364
00:13:20,879 --> 00:13:22,513
No, thank you.
365
00:13:22,514 --> 00:13:25,649
I'm only intaking hot
juice after 3:00 p.m.
366
00:13:25,650 --> 00:13:27,250
Oh, I love hot juices.
367
00:13:27,251 --> 00:13:29,186
- Don't you? I do too.
- Yeah.
368
00:13:29,187 --> 00:13:30,220
What's hot juice?
369
00:13:30,221 --> 00:13:32,056
It's juice that's hot.
370
00:13:33,124 --> 00:13:34,859
I'm gonna go find you some hot juice.
371
00:13:34,860 --> 00:13:36,494
And I'm gonna go along and make sure
372
00:13:36,495 --> 00:13:39,529
that they hand-shave it
with a stone pestle.
373
00:13:39,530 --> 00:13:42,332
Skidmore, you are spoiling me rotten.
374
00:13:42,333 --> 00:13:44,334
Well, you deserve it,
don't you, McCarthy?
375
00:13:44,335 --> 00:13:46,170
- You're the best.
- Well, you're the best.
376
00:13:46,171 --> 00:13:48,171
You are, you are, you are, you are.
377
00:13:48,172 --> 00:13:49,339
Oh, my God, Melissa,
378
00:13:49,340 --> 00:13:51,207
I cannot tell you how relieved we are.
379
00:13:51,208 --> 00:13:52,508
We thought you were mad at us.
380
00:13:52,509 --> 00:13:54,845
Shut up. You shut your big-tooth,
381
00:13:54,846 --> 00:13:58,749
big bushy-browed face.
God, you've got a dumb face.
382
00:13:58,750 --> 00:14:01,051
I don't know how you shit faces
383
00:14:01,052 --> 00:14:03,019
got yourselves squirreled
away with Paul,
384
00:14:03,020 --> 00:14:04,522
but you're playing with fire
385
00:14:04,523 --> 00:14:07,892
and I'm gonna enjoy watching
you guys burn to the ground.
386
00:14:07,893 --> 00:14:09,593
Melissa, I hear what you're saying...
387
00:14:09,594 --> 00:14:14,731
Larry, why is your dirty,
stupid mouth hole talking to me?
388
00:14:14,732 --> 00:14:16,267
You know what I'm gonna do?
389
00:14:16,268 --> 00:14:17,801
I'm gonna take that
little pocket square
390
00:14:17,802 --> 00:14:19,670
that you folded incorrectly
391
00:14:19,671 --> 00:14:21,271
and I'm gonna snap it up
392
00:14:21,272 --> 00:14:23,040
so it almost becomes like a wire
393
00:14:23,041 --> 00:14:24,907
and I'm gonna wrap it around
394
00:14:24,908 --> 00:14:28,045
those little, tiny testicles of yours
395
00:14:28,046 --> 00:14:30,247
and I'm gonna pull it tight.
Not too tight.
396
00:14:30,248 --> 00:14:32,782
Not too tight, but tight
enough to make 'em shiny
397
00:14:32,783 --> 00:14:36,086
and start to lose blood supply
and get real dark purple
398
00:14:36,087 --> 00:14:38,522
and then right when
you're writhing in pain,
399
00:14:38,523 --> 00:14:41,926
I'm gonna snap it and I'm gonna
pop those testicles off
400
00:14:41,927 --> 00:14:44,128
and shove 'em down that mouth hole.
401
00:14:44,129 --> 00:14:46,729
And I'm gonna make you
choke on your own balls.
402
00:14:46,730 --> 00:14:49,066
So you are still mad?
403
00:14:49,067 --> 00:14:51,936
Do you know that my
children have no home?
404
00:14:51,937 --> 00:14:54,104
We are living out of suitcases
405
00:14:54,105 --> 00:14:57,108
on the third, fourth,
and fifth floor of this hotel.
406
00:14:57,109 --> 00:14:58,776
Can't you know how that feels
407
00:14:58,777 --> 00:15:01,110
to live in a hotel for 34 days?
408
00:15:01,111 --> 00:15:03,446
It sounds nice. That's three floors...
409
00:15:03,447 --> 00:15:04,547
Ow!
410
00:15:04,548 --> 00:15:06,249
What does that sound like, Santa Claus?
411
00:15:06,250 --> 00:15:08,351
Ow! Melissa, that's all skin.
412
00:15:08,352 --> 00:15:11,153
That's nipple hair.
I can... I can feel it tuggin'.
413
00:15:11,154 --> 00:15:13,023
Ah! Yeah, yeah, yeah.
414
00:15:13,024 --> 00:15:14,624
Do you realize that the only reason
415
00:15:14,625 --> 00:15:17,326
I've agreed to do
your piece-of-shit movie
416
00:15:17,327 --> 00:15:20,364
is because that man up there
is a little baby angel on Earth.
417
00:15:20,365 --> 00:15:23,167
I'm confused. I thought
you liked our script.
418
00:15:23,168 --> 00:15:24,667
You know what I'm gonna do, Larry?
419
00:15:24,668 --> 00:15:26,903
'Cause you can't seem to
keep that mouth hole shut.
420
00:15:26,904 --> 00:15:31,008
I'm gonna fill it with coal
and I'm gonna light it on fire
421
00:15:31,009 --> 00:15:33,810
and I'm gonna let my kids make s'mores
422
00:15:33,811 --> 00:15:35,479
off of your charred bones.
423
00:15:35,480 --> 00:15:38,215
And when they're cleaning
their little sticky fingers,
424
00:15:38,216 --> 00:15:41,384
I'm gonna say, that pile
of ash is a dead Larry
425
00:15:41,385 --> 00:15:43,019
and they're gonna throw
their little heads back
426
00:15:43,020 --> 00:15:46,489
and they're gonna laugh and then
I'm gonna let them pee on you.
427
00:15:46,490 --> 00:15:49,192
And I'm gonna sweep it into a gutter.
428
00:15:49,193 --> 00:15:51,162
So stop disagreeing with me.
429
00:15:51,163 --> 00:15:52,495
Do you know who I am?
430
00:15:52,496 --> 00:15:55,231
(whispering)
I'm Melissa (bleep) McCarthey.
431
00:15:55,232 --> 00:15:57,000
That's who I am.
432
00:15:57,001 --> 00:16:00,137
And you are nobodies.
433
00:16:00,971 --> 00:16:02,340
- Nobodies.
- (straining)
434
00:16:02,341 --> 00:16:05,976
(laughing) You're it.
435
00:16:05,977 --> 00:16:07,812
(Hugh groaning)
436
00:16:08,533 --> 00:16:11,902
Bad news... the hotel can't
locate the stone pestle.
437
00:16:11,903 --> 00:16:13,203
But Sam's on it.
438
00:16:13,204 --> 00:16:15,204
Apparently, they have
one at the pool bar.
439
00:16:15,205 --> 00:16:17,406
Why is it always at the pool bar?
440
00:16:17,407 --> 00:16:18,708
I hope I'm not too much trouble.
441
00:16:18,709 --> 00:16:21,210
Never too much trouble for you, baby.
442
00:16:21,211 --> 00:16:24,848
You know what I'm thinking?
Call me crazy.
443
00:16:24,849 --> 00:16:26,423
Could you sit in that
power seat over there?
444
00:16:26,424 --> 00:16:27,529
That chair?
445
00:16:27,530 --> 00:16:30,894
- It's just feeling like directionally...
- That is perfect.
446
00:16:30,895 --> 00:16:32,463
Look at this.
447
00:16:32,464 --> 00:16:33,863
- I like it.
- I like it, too.
448
00:16:33,864 --> 00:16:35,999
- How's everyone doing?
- Good.
449
00:16:36,000 --> 00:16:37,902
- Good. - Good.
- Very good.
450
00:16:37,903 --> 00:16:39,137
Not "very good."
451
00:16:39,138 --> 00:16:43,541
We're the same exact good as Melissa.
452
00:16:43,542 --> 00:16:46,543
No more or less and
we're on the same page
453
00:16:46,544 --> 00:16:49,446
and no disagree... ments.
454
00:16:49,447 --> 00:16:51,615
Were you talking
about "Mr. First Lady"?
455
00:16:51,616 --> 00:16:53,883
Yes, yes, we were.
Weren't we talking about that?
456
00:16:53,884 --> 00:16:55,719
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
457
00:16:55,720 --> 00:16:58,421
I was just telling them how
good their script is, wasn't I?
458
00:16:58,422 --> 00:17:00,190
They can't wait to start shooting.
459
00:17:00,191 --> 00:17:02,793
Did you tell them what part
I wanted Ben to play?
460
00:17:02,794 --> 00:17:05,028
I didn't. I wanted you to do it.
461
00:17:05,029 --> 00:17:07,633
I think that Ben would be perfect as...
462
00:17:08,566 --> 00:17:10,734
- ...the butler.
- (Melissa gasps)
463
00:17:10,735 --> 00:17:14,104
Because he's so good
at being weaselly, right?
464
00:17:14,105 --> 00:17:17,407
Well, he's a perfect weasel.
We're on the same page.
465
00:17:17,408 --> 00:17:18,743
We're always on the same page.
466
00:17:18,744 --> 00:17:20,578
- Hey, I'm so sorry to interrupt...
- Yes.
467
00:17:20,579 --> 00:17:22,413
...but I have Bill Murray, Pharrell,
468
00:17:22,414 --> 00:17:25,450
Alexander Payne, and Sidney Poitier
469
00:17:25,451 --> 00:17:26,649
on the phone for you.
470
00:17:26,650 --> 00:17:28,051
Oh, okay. You know what?
471
00:17:28,052 --> 00:17:30,387
I'm so sorry. I never do this.
472
00:17:30,388 --> 00:17:32,622
You know I never do this,
but it's so hard to get...
473
00:17:32,623 --> 00:17:33,611
Of course.
474
00:17:33,612 --> 00:17:34,945
- ...Sidney Poitier on the phone.
- Go.
475
00:17:34,946 --> 00:17:36,588
I'm collaborating
on an album with them.
476
00:17:36,589 --> 00:17:38,190
Sometimes they just need me to kind of
477
00:17:38,191 --> 00:17:41,259
hum through the rhythm section,
so forgive me.
478
00:17:41,260 --> 00:17:42,627
(laughs) I'll be right back.
479
00:17:42,628 --> 00:17:45,530
Sidney! How are you all in Madrid?
480
00:17:45,531 --> 00:17:46,932
That is so unfair. I'm gonna...
481
00:17:48,533 --> 00:17:50,668
Now that we have a minute alone,
482
00:17:50,669 --> 00:17:53,102
there's something you need to
know about Melissa McCarthey.
483
00:17:53,103 --> 00:17:55,940
There's another side that
perhaps you haven't seen.
484
00:17:55,941 --> 00:17:58,442
Don't get me wrong, I adore the woman.
485
00:17:58,443 --> 00:18:01,611
But occasionally she
can be a bloodthirsty,
486
00:18:01,612 --> 00:18:03,079
offensive monster.
487
00:18:03,080 --> 00:18:04,448
Uh, Melissa?
488
00:18:04,449 --> 00:18:06,783
I'm so relieved that she likes you,
489
00:18:06,784 --> 00:18:08,284
because one thing you need to know
490
00:18:08,285 --> 00:18:09,887
about my relationship with Melissa
491
00:18:09,888 --> 00:18:13,656
is that I need to be the good cop.
492
00:18:13,657 --> 00:18:15,291
So, if we're gonna do
this picture together,
493
00:18:15,292 --> 00:18:17,028
you need to be bad cops.
494
00:18:17,029 --> 00:18:18,662
Oh, my God.
495
00:18:18,663 --> 00:18:20,830
That was Christian Bale's
job on "Friendly Skies."
496
00:18:20,831 --> 00:18:24,033
I'm not gonna lie to you.
It was very tough on him.
497
00:18:24,034 --> 00:18:25,735
It almost crushed him.
498
00:18:25,736 --> 00:18:27,538
There was a lot of tears on that set.
499
00:18:27,539 --> 00:18:30,374
We had to bring in a
therapist full time.
500
00:18:30,375 --> 00:18:33,243
Brilliant man, Dr. Blaine Kaine.
501
00:18:33,244 --> 00:18:34,645
He's not a doctor.
502
00:18:34,646 --> 00:18:37,713
Yes, he's also
a part-time actor, correct.
503
00:18:37,714 --> 00:18:39,849
See, it should be easy for you.
504
00:18:39,850 --> 00:18:43,387
Melissa adores you. She's your friend.
505
00:18:43,388 --> 00:18:44,988
And at this point in my life,
506
00:18:44,989 --> 00:18:49,193
I need to be on set with
people who can say, no!
507
00:18:49,194 --> 00:18:50,728
To Melissa.
508
00:18:52,030 --> 00:18:53,497
Is that you?
509
00:18:55,500 --> 00:18:57,233
Yeah, we're not afraid of Melissa.
510
00:18:57,234 --> 00:18:58,335
I'm back!
511
00:18:58,336 --> 00:18:59,869
- Oh, no!
- Oh, my God!
512
00:18:59,870 --> 00:19:01,271
(Melissa laughs)
513
00:19:01,272 --> 00:19:03,441
Were you talking about me?
514
00:19:03,442 --> 00:19:05,509
- No, we were not.
- No, no, no, no, no.
515
00:19:05,510 --> 00:19:06,742
- (Sam) Found juice!
- No.
516
00:19:06,743 --> 00:19:09,446
- Juice. Here you go.
- Ohh...
517
00:19:09,447 --> 00:19:10,714
- It's hot.
- ...boy, I hope it's hot.
518
00:19:10,715 --> 00:19:12,415
- Avocado.
- Don't burn yourself.
519
00:19:12,416 --> 00:19:14,585
- Okay, let me take this.
- Oh, it is. Ooh.
520
00:19:14,586 --> 00:19:16,287
Good luck on your one-man show.
521
00:19:16,288 --> 00:19:17,989
- Oh, thank you.
- Here you go.
522
00:19:17,990 --> 00:19:20,756
Would it be presumptuous
of me to propose a toast?
523
00:19:20,757 --> 00:19:23,193
No. Please do.
524
00:19:23,194 --> 00:19:25,396
To "Mr. First Lady."
525
00:19:25,397 --> 00:19:27,231
Be careful what you wish for
526
00:19:27,232 --> 00:19:29,700
because your dreams
might just come true.
527
00:19:29,701 --> 00:19:31,068
(Melissa gasps) Cheers.
528
00:19:31,069 --> 00:19:32,536
(glasses clink)
529
00:19:34,762 --> 00:19:40,862
530
00:19:40,912 --> 00:19:45,462
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