All language subtitles for No Activity s02e02 The Actress.eng

Previously onNo Activity...

It looks like my laptop
was hacked.

And the hacker activated
the camera.

Oh, you were jilling off.

Yeah, don'’t call it jilling off.That'’s what it is.

I mean, this is jacking off,
this is jilling off.

Half your softball team has
gone down for corruption now.

Throw me a block. Are you gonna ride with me?

Or are you gonna try your luck
on your own?

Mm.CULLEN: Another wise
investment by Tolbeck.

Man, you have been burning
through the money lately.[sighs]

Janice, he sent the video.

Everyone in the office
has the video.

My name is Marco,
I'’m the new trainer.

My name is Frank.
I don'’t get harassed.

And I don'’t get
fucking disrespected.

If you don'’t mind...What the fuck?

Okay.You can'’t take my picture.

I-I promise I'’ll erase it.

MARCO:
Frankie, I'’m sorry to say,

you'’ve made the board.
You'’re one of the bad guys.

♪

TOLBECK:
Mmm.

Mmm.

That is great coffee.

Thank you so much.

Oh, my God, it'’s my pleasure.

Thank you guys--
thank you guys for having me.

This is, this is amazing.

You guys just like,
you have such,

like, amazing energy.

And I'’m just, I just feel
immersed in it.

Mm-hmm.And this is just,

it'’s really great for me
to feed off of you guys.

You'’re super legit.
Thank you. Cheers. Yeah.

Oh, hey, there we go.Thank you.

Well, we'’re big fans
of your work, too, right?Absolutely.

Really? No.Yeah.
Oh, it'’s a real honor

to have you here with us.

JESSICA:
So this is super weird.

Maybe it'’s like a stereotype and
I'’m just, like, feeding into it,

Mm.but can-can we get doughnuts?

'’Cause we're cops.Well, yeah, '’cause, you know,
coffee and doughnuts.

Right.
Right, right, right.And you'’re, like,

doing stakeouts, and you, like,
sit in the car and-and...

I don'’t know if there's
anywhere near here.

Oh, there'’s one literally right
there, right on the corner.

It'’s just not the safest
part of town, is all.

You'’re so sweet
for worrying about me.

Well...
Oh.

Oh, my goodness.

Well, she'’s nice.She'’s really nice.

What has she been in?

I don'’t know.
I-I thought you knew.

No. I just didn'’t want
to seem rude. Hmm.

Hey, is it me...
Hmm?

...or was there kind of
a vibe going on there?

Between me and her?No, between meand her.

Between you and her?Yeah, I thought she

was maybe flirting
with me a little bit.

[scoffs]
Are you kidding me? Huh?

No.
Oh.

She'’s, like,
a major celebrity.

You'’re a low-level detective.

Okay. I-I'’m being
ridiculous.

No, I'’m kidding,
there was a total vibe.

Yeah?
Yeah. Dude,

when she touched
your shoulder... Yeah.

...I got a chill.Oh, my God.

Okay. You think she'’d
like a guy like me?

Yes. Are you...?

You got to stop
undervaluing yourself. Yeah.

Dude, you'’re
a total smoke show.

Don'’t say smoke show.Go for it.

Okay. Okay. I will.

All right.
Okay.

All right. Okay, I'’m gonna,

I'’m gonna give you guys
some space, okay? Yeah?

Let'’s come up with a code.Okay, okay.

Uh...All right, uh...

Oh, I got it.
Yeah.

I'’m gonna say, um,

"Well, I think it'’s time for me
to step out and have my cigar."

And then you'’ll say,

"Uh, are you crazy?
Those things will kill you."

Okay. Why am I saying that?

Because it just shows
you have some compassion

for other people.Okay, okay.

You care about my health,
my well-being.

Why a cigar, though?
That seems a little silly.

I mean, why don'’t you just
step out and make a call?

No, I'’m gonna have
my cigar, okay? Oh.

Oh, so it'’s not code at all?
Y-You'’re gonna be smoking it.

When did you start
smoking a cigar?

Uh, it'’s been a few weeks.

I just wanted to see
what it looks like.

You know, see how I look
with a cigar.

Oh, man, this is gonna be
a great night for you.

It'’s gonna be a fun,
sexy night. [chuckles]

[both laugh]

I'’m so excited
for my man.

[laughs] Oh, come on.

[laughs] Fun, sexy night.

Yeah.

You say it.
Fun, sexy night.

It'’s gonna be a fun, sexy night.

Come on.
Say it like you mean it.

Fun, sexy night.

[laughs]

[coughs]

I got to lay off these things.

[coughing]

Oh. Phew.

Mmm.

["Happiness, Missouri"
by El Vy playing]

♪ While away while
someone counts the minutes ♪

♪ Happiness, Missouri,
I got to get your mind off ♪

♪ By the way,
I told you we were in this ♪

♪ Happiness, Missouri,
I got to get your mind off it. ♪

♪

[siren wailing in distance]

HAZEL:
Fatima.

Hi.
Oh, hi.

Hi, I'’m Hazel from HR.

Oh, yeah,
that'’s right. Oh.

I'’ve heard so much.

Oh, that'’s Janice's chair.

No, she'’s working
in my office today,

just while we have
this session.

Oh.

Oh, uh, are we doing
this right here?

Yeah.

It'’ll just be, like,
a couple of questions

and then you'’ll sign a form,
and I'’ll be gone.

It'’s really easy, okay.Okay.

So do you know why
you'’re talking

to an HR representative today?

Yeah, the video hacking.

It was a video. Oh.

Did-did you not see it?

No, no. That would be receipt
of pornography.

Oh, it'’s not...Please describe for me

in your own words the offensive
or inappropriate act?

Well, I don'’t really...

Fatima, don'’t be nervous.

Whatever you have to say, I'’ve
heard it, like, a million times.

Honestly, it is my job,

so just give it to me.

No judgment.

Just for the paperwork.

And it'’s safe.
You'’re in a safe space.

[sighs] Well, girl,

um, I was masturbating.

Gross. Ugh. Hmm?

Did you just say "gross"?

Eh, I did, but that'’s just--
it'’s a reflex.

I just, I think it'’s gross,
but it'’s not, it's normal.

It'’s normal.
[laughs] Yeah.

Normal hormal.
[laughs nervously]

You'’re so normal.

Uh...

which hand did you use
when you masturbated?

Is that a question?

I ask the questions,
not you.

And it'’s not, I just know that I
shook your hand when I came in,

and I feel really weird.

Oh, can you pass me that?

Real quick.
Thank you.

God, it'’s not contagious.

Just, thank you.
It'’s okay. It'’s...

I just, I'’d feel better
if I just did this.

It'’s cool, like...

Okay. [exhales]

How long have you been in HR?

Oh. Ugh, gosh. Two days.

But I was sick yesterday.

WOMAN:
SDPD'’s still on stakeout in the area.

Should we let them know we
have an FBI operative inside?

Negative.
The less they know, the better.

They wouldn'’t know their asses
if it han...

Oh, shit.

Is everything all right?

Uh, no. I just...

I think I might
have lost the bird.

Oh, no, are you sure?Yeah.

Yeah, I'’m gonna have
to get back to you.WOMAN: Okay.

Okay.WOMAN: All right, talk later.

What'’s happening?

Where is Señor Feathers?

Oh, yeah. Oh, no,
he'’s, like, uh...

He'’s in here somewhere.

I let him out to
stretch his legs.

Okay, so where the fuck is he?

You know, you got to let him
explore the environment,

you know, get
to know the ring,

get to know the smells
and the sounds

and the tastes of the room.
It'’s important for him,

psychologically speaking,
as a champion.

Did you lose the fucking bird?

[scoffs, laughs]
No.

Did I lose the bird?

C-Classic. No.
No, no, no.

The bird is for sure here.

Just give me a second.

He'’s just probably
playing hide-and-seek.

Señor? Hola, Señor.

[whistles]
SF?

Are you whistling for the bird?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It'’s the way to get him.

Come on, Señor SF.

Here we go.[slaps legs]

Ho, ho!

Ooh, ooh, ooh!
[whistles]

Hey, Marco,
can I ask you something else?

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.Okay.

Fire away. Oh, yeah.Great.

How long you been
training roosters?

[scoffs]
I don'’t know.

Since I was a kid.

Oh, wow, since
you were a kid. Okay.Yeah.

And how many, uh, rounds

did Señor Feathers go
in his last fight?

In his last fight?Señor Feathers.
Yeah, if you had to guess.

Ah, it wasn'’t many.
He won very quick.

I'’m gonna say,
like, three rounds.

Wow.Yeah.

Wrong fucking answer!

There are no fucking rounds.

This is a fight to the death!

[quietly]: Fuck.

[sighs] Okay, fine.

I'’m sorry. [sighs]
This is my first fight.

Are you fucking

kidding me?I'’m sorry.
I'’m sorry, okay?

Fucking shit.
Do you understand

what'’s at stake here,
you little bitch?

I...Do you have any idea
what the cartel would do

if they found out how fucking
inept you are at your job?

I'’ll tell you what they'd do.

Bang. Bang.

Bang.

Okay, so...

That'’s a fucking gunshot.Yeah, I get it.

You'’re dead.No, I'’m... Yes, I'm dead.
You know what?

By way of gunshot.I-I'’m dead...

You bled out from the head
and from the dick.

And joke'’s on them, okay?

I'’m gonna die at
the head shot.

I'’m not gonna feel either
of the two dick shots.

[sighs]
I'’m gonna go outside

and I'’m gonna
find this bird.

If I don'’t find it,
I'’m gonna come back

and we'’re gonna think of a
solution to fix this problem.

If you don'’t find
the fucking bird,

don'’t bother coming back.

Okay. You know, honestly,

your leadership
skills are lacking.Oh.

You'’re not incentivizing
me to fix this problem.

Fuck you. Pussy.

Wow. [whistles]

Señor Feathers.
Hola, Señor.

Maybe she'’s a singer.

Why would a singer be doing
a police ride-along?

If she was doing
a album of cop songs,

like The Police?

They don'’t sing about
cops, they'’re just...

Here she comes,
we should...Oh.

D-D-D-Doughnuts.

Uh-oh.Okay.

I got all the things.Here we go.

Look at... this.

Wow.Oh, my goodness.

Blueberry,
old-fashioned.Yo.

And you--
what is your specialty?

I actually won'’t.
I'’m-I'm trying

to dodge the
old gluten.Oh, come on.

Come on.No, I'’m sorry.
No, I really...

One little tiny bite.I got to stay the
course. I mean...

Just, like, a tiny,
tiny one, just a little...

No, I really shouldn'’t.
I shouldn'’t. I...

Oh, really?Really, yeah,
but thank you.

I respect your restraint.

Thank you.Fine.

I mean, you look like
you'’re in pretty good shape

anyway.Well, thank you.
You know, you got to...

You got to keep it, uh...
you got to keep it tight-ish.

You know, things can
get real at any moment.

Listen to him.You know. So...

Oh, look at those biceps.I'’m... It's, uh...

Just, like, giving us
raw cop vibes.

I wish my co-star
was more like you.

Wait. I just got,
like, the craziest idea.

Here we go.

I think you should
be in the show.

What show?Like, you should play
a cop in the show.

Ooh.You should be, like, one of
the main characters in my show.

In your show?In my show, yeah.

No, I can'’t do that.

Yeah, 100%.
The director would love you.

Mm.She'’s so
into, like,

realness and, like,
not acting like an actor.

Well...You'’re like a real cop.

I ama real cop.I... yeah.

Yeah.It'’s perfect.

Really?Mm-hmm.

What about that chin?

Oh, especially

because of the chin.

I mean, strong jawlines are out.

Mm.
Hmm.Everyone wants, like...

you know, like a chin
that'’s just, like, soft

and-and unassuming,
and that, like,

it just sort of, like,
melts into the neck. Yeah.

Everyone wants that?

Oh, yeah.
That'’s the thing now.Hmm.

You know what?
[chuckles]

We should take a headshot.No. I mean, no.

Yeah, we should do,
like, a quick headshot.

Yes, we should.That'’s crazy.

Don'’t you think?For him.

Okay. What should I do?So, like...

Okay.That, like, it'’s, like,
you want to bone

and you, like, have a secret.

I want abone, or I...?You want to bone.
You want to, like...

I want tobone.You want to bone me.

And you have a secret.Okay, okay.

Like, that'’s how
you look at me.Okay.

[shutter clicks]

Oh, nailed it.

Yeah?Nail...
Yeah, one take.

Look at you.Oh, I could do
more. I mean...

[laughs] Listen to you.
You'’re, like, giving me options.

I mean...You are a
director'’s dream.

This headshot
is perfection.

Okay. Hmm.

Except you have,
like, a little...

I can-I can
touch that up,

but you have, like,
a little eyelash right here.Oh.

Oh, you smell great.
Do you wear cologne?

Yeah.Yeah, it'’s...
Keep doing that.

Okay.
All right, make a wish.

Okay.

Oh, you'’re so cute.
He'’s so cute.

He just closed his eyes.No, I mean...

That was like a real wish?Yeah.

Oh, my God.

My heart just broke in half.

I can'’t, with you.

No.I literally
can'’t.

Shouldn'’t have to.Oh. I think
you'’d be a really good dad.

Really?Yeah, '’cause you kind of

are giving me DILF vibes.Oh.

MARCO [on radio]:
Agent Code Name Goldilocks, I need a rooster,

browny-black, stat. HELEN: Where am I gonna
get a rooster now?

MARCO:
I don'’t know, Helen, but you'’re my support,

so how about supporting me
and trying

to find me a fucking rooster?

HELEN:
All right, fine. I'’m on it.

MARCO:
Jesus, everything'’s a fucking drama with you.

[hangs up]MARCO: Hello?

I'’m so sorry. I forgot.

We have to record
this session. [laughs]

Oh, really?Mm-hmm.

Mm. Buh-buh-puh-puh.

Two. Two. Yeah.

Two. Okay. Okay.

So, uh, just to recap--

the camera on your laptop
recorded you...

I was masturbating.

Louder.

I... There'’s
a mic right...Yeah, it'’s old.

It'’s just such an old machine.
[laughs]

I... I was mastur...

I was mas...Just a couple more times.
I think we got it.

I was... masturbat... Okay.

You know what?
I don'’t think we got it.

That...
Well, keep going.

Ugh. So, do you think
that masturbating

for your co-workers was
A: Appropriate,

B: Not appropriate,

or C: Not sure?

I wasn'’t masturbating
for my co-workers.

That'’s... I was hacked.

Would you say
C: Not sure, then?

No. I would... I am not
answering the question.

I don'’t believe in the
premise of the question.

Was M-bating
for your colleagues on camera

A: To impress them,
B: To degrade them,

C: To get promoted,
D: Not sure?

[whispering]:
Don'’t say "D."

Okay, I'’m just gonna put "A,"

because, uh, the guys in my
office were really impressed.

A.[recorder stops]

All right.

Ugh!Did I tell you
I'’d find the bird, or what?

Say welcome back
to Señor Feathers.

[laughs]

[sniffles, clears throat]

That'’s not Señor Feathers.

What? Of course it is.It'’s 100% not.

I don'’t know who that bird is,
but it'’s not Señor Feathers.

How do you know?How do I know?

Yeah.I run cockfights. I know
a fucking fighting bird

when I see one. I'’m the
Jay Gatsby of cockfighting.

This bird may as well
have a fucking iron spike

shoved up its ass and
be on the top of a barn.

Okay. Wow.[bird coos]

Wait. Did you just
fucking coo at me?Nah.

You little bitch.I don'’t think so.

What, are you fucking
trying to imprint on me?No.

I'’m not your new mom, you
piece of garbage shit bird.

[sniffs]

Where did you get
this fucking bird?

What?It smells shampooed.

Nah.Is this someone'’s
fucking pet?

I don'’t think so.You don'’t think so?

I-I know it'’s not.It smells like
ocean breeze.

Uh, maybe Señor Feathers
was just on vacation.

Where the fuck did
you get this bird?

Okay, okay, fine, all right?

It'’s not Señor Feathers. Busted.
You got me, all right?

I got it from the zoo, okay? The
San Diego Zoo. I'’ve got a guy

who hooks me up
with animals.

Listen to me, you
fucking turd person.

While you were skipping around
the San Diego Zoo, I got word

that Big Boy is feeling better,
and the fight is back on

for tomorrow night.
Meanwhile, we'’re sitting here

with our fucking
dicks in our hands

with a bird from the
fucking petting zoo.

It'’s the premier zoo
in the western hemisphere.

Shut the fuck up.
We have 24 hours[sighs]

to turn this soft cock
into a fighting bird,

or he is dead and
we are fucking dead.

Do you understand that part--
that we will cease to live?

Okay.Our lives will be
taken from us.

Okay, you'’re being
really negative,

and I don'’t want to
say anything, but it might be

affecting the bird'’s
performance in the ring.

Oh, suck my dick.I am literally doing
the best that I can,

and I would appreciate
your support.

If this was my best,
I would kill myself.

So, yes, one time we had to
sleep in the same bed. We had...Oh.

Really?Yeah, it was...

On a fishing trip, or...?Yeah, it was
fishing, yeah.

Yeah. Oh, okay.Oh, yeah.

Wow.Hey.

Hey.Where'’d you go?

Huh? Oh, nothing.
Just cop stuff. [laughs]

He had to empty
his pee bottle.

Oh, my God. Really?Yeah.

You-you guys
pee in bottles?

Mm-hmm.For real?

Mm-hmm.
Wow. Yeah, yeah,

You know, we stay here
for such long hours,

you know, we got to...
got to go, and then we...

We empty it when we
get the chance. Yeah.

Wow. That'’s
so intense.Yeah.

So, I don'’t...
[sighs]

I want to... I want
to ask you guys something,

but I just...
I think it'’s...

It'’s, like,
kind of awkward.

No.Come on, we'’ve been talking.

Nothing is weird.
What is...?Oh, it'’s silly.

Um... can-can I hold your gun?

Oh.

No. I'’m sorry. It's...Oh.

it'’s, like, weird.[laughing]

No, no, no. No, it'’s
okay. It'’s okay.It'’s like...

It'’s just, the
department, uh, you know--

it'’s pretty strict about
that kind of thing.Yeah.

Yeah.Oh, yeah.
I mean, as they should.

Right.It'’s, like, a gun.

You know, I don'’t really
believe in them,

and I would never own a gun

in my-in my real,
actual life...

Right....but I'’m playing a cop,

and I have to, you know,
be authentic and-and...Yeah.

Maybe I'’m-I'm just, like,
being too actressy,

and I'’m just, like, you know...No, no, no, no, no.
And I would love

to help you. I mean,
I'’d really... I mean,

really, but, you know,
rules are rules, so...Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah.Totally. Totally get it.

I get it.
It'’s fine.

Well, maybe just
for a second...Oh, my gosh,

that would be awesome.No, no. I mean...

No. I mean, we... we...

Yeah.
I'’ll just...No. Look, how about this,

how about this,
how about this.

Here we go. I will
take out the bullets,

and then, you can...
you can have a quick hold.

No.No?

No, it'’s not, like...
I'’m just...

I'’m really just searching

for that, like,
authentic police experience.

Mm.And I just want

the real thing, you know?

Like, I want to hold
a real firearm...

like yours... you know?

Yeah.

I just want to know
what that feels like.

Yeah.Yeah.

I get it.

Well...

just for a second.

Okay, Dad.Okay?

Okay.Okay.

Here we go. Safety'’s on.

Feels so good.Yeah. I'’ll just...

Oh, my God.Oh. Let me take it back.

Wow. It'’s just...

So, there'’s this one scene.

It'’s, like, my opening scene.

You know, it'’s, like,
my big scene.

And I have to, like,
go in with two guns

and, like, shoot
the bad guys.Mm.

You know, with a gun
in each hand.

Can I...? Do you mind?

Yeah, sure.I don'’t think...
No, no.

Oh, my God, thank you.You'’re welcome.

This is fucking
intoxicating.

Yeah, it can be.
It can be.Yeah.

Whoa.Okay, we'’ll grab
'’em back, huh?

Oh, my God.
Just, like, give me a minute.

[Jessica inhales
and exhales loudly]

You know
what'’s crazy?

I could just,
like, snap,

and, like, kill you both
right now.

[laughing]:
Isn'’t that insane?

So...
Okay, uh, lady, you'’re scaring me.

Can I please have
my gun back?

Thank you.[yelling]

Bang!

Okay.

You'’re dead!

Okay, now that your partner'’s
dead, what do you do?

Uh, in this situation here,
uh, uh, you shot my partner.

Mm-hmm, yeah.I would check his vitals.

His vitals? His vitals?And, uh...

Mm.His brains are everywhere.

Well, maybe
you just grazed me.

Shut the fuck up!

You'’re dead!

Not a peep.

Close your eyes.

Be dead.

So, now what?

Well, I would
negotiate with you

i-in a calm and
reasonable manner.

I don'’t even know what you mean.
There'’s no negotiating.Hmm.

Okay, I see.
Hypothetically, I get it.No, this is...

There'’s no hypothetical. This is
the reality of the situation.

You gave me
your loaded gun,

and now it'’s pointed
at your skull.Hmm.

That'’s what's happening
right now.

So you do what I say.

Mm. Mm-hmm.And I say...

What do I say?

Doughnuts.

Sure.The doughnuts.

Do you remember those?Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. See, earlier, I wanted
you to eat the doughnuts.Yeah.

You were like,
"Mm, no, thank you."

Huh.[chuckling mockingly]:
"No, I'’m gluten-free."

Like a little pussy.Right.

But now you'’re gonna eat
the fucking doughnuts.

Okay.So pick up the doughnut,

stick it in your fucking mouth,

and chew.

Go.

Faster. Eat it faster.

Come on. Eat up, boy.Okay.

Eat '’er up.
Come on, come on. Eat up.[grunts]

Eat it faster.

All right, now you need
something to wash it down.

Hmm.

How about... how about that...

the bottle of piss
that'’s under your seat.

Oh, I emptied mine
out earlier, so...

Oh, right, you did.
But your partner didn'’t.Yeah.

Get the piss bottle.

Don'’t talk. Get
the piss bottle.

You took it out, didn'’t
you? Emptied it out.No. No. He didn'’t.

I don'’t need to drink the piss.

Drink his piss.I don'’t... There's...

Drink his fucking piss!

Now!Okay.

Drink it up.
Drink it up.

Why didn'’t you fucking
empty your bottle?

Don'’t talk to him. He's dead.

Drink it up.

[retches]

Okay, Hazel?Yeah.

Um, my computer was hacked.
That'’s the offense here.

The fact that I was masturbating
with whatever pillowsUgh.

doesn'’t even matter. It-it
shouldn'’t be on trial.

I-I shouldn'’t be on
trial here for that.

Totally. No one wants this
to go to trial.

That'’s why we're here.
Next question.

Do you have cultural reasons

for masturbating?
Yes or no?

Okay, Hazel, um...

you, like, showed up
really unexpectedly

in the middle of me working,

and-and then
you make me say the word

"masturbation,"
like, ten times,

which is so
embarrassing for me.

I feel like you, who is in HR,

in sensitivity training,
is, like...

like, one of the most
insensitive people.

This is, like, really upsetting.

Do you get that I'’m, like,
really upset by this?

Are you upset?Yes!

What are you,
freaking autistic or something?

You shouldn'’t have called me
freaking autistic.

I'’m sorry.
I-I shouldn'’t have said that.

So, we have to get
another form...

because you did that... to me.

Hate speech.

The autistic one'’s an A-24.
That'’s a big form.

Do you have dinner plans
tonight?

No.Well, cancel them.

All done? Yeah?

Yeah, all done.
All done. No more.

Which one was your favorite?

Huh?Which one
was your favorite?

Um, the-the third
one to the last.

Antepenultimate.

Yeah. Yeah.Yeah, that'’s what that means.

Third one to last.
Antepenultimate.Uh-huh.

And fourth to last
is preantepenultimate.Okay.

I love words.
It'’s kind of pretentious, but...

you know us actors.

Words are our weapons.

So, how are we
gonna get out of this?

We'’ve established
that I'’m the one in power

and you'’re weak as fuck.

Right.Right?

Yeah.Can you say that?

Say, "I'’m weak as fuck,
like a widdle baby."I'’m...

I'’m weak as fuck.

Like a widdle baby.Like a little baby.

Like a widdle baby.

Like a widdle baby.

[laughing]:
That'’s right.

So, I guess the only way

to really get out of this
is to beg.

You want me to beg? Okay.Beg for your fucking life.

Okay. I'’m s...

I'’m sor... Could you
please not shoot me?

[coughs]Don'’t fucking cough.

Or swallow.

Or blink...

you corpse.

You'’re not taking
me seriously.

No, I am.This is crazy.

No, I am.After all this time,
you'’re treating me like this?

I-I... No, you'’re not a joke.Like I'’m a fucking joke?

Is that what'’s happening
right now?No, no, no, you'’re not a joke.

Beg for your fucking life!

Three, two, one!Wait, no, no, no!

Please don'’t shoot me!
Please don'’t shoot me!

I'’m so sorry. Please,
I beg you. I beg you.

Please. Please,
let me live.

Please let me live.

I-I have done nothing
worthwhile in my life.

I know that. I haven'’t
done anything good.

And I'’m 42, and that's just
shameful, and I am ashamed.

I am ashamed that I haven'’t done
anything good in my life, okay?

And I was... I meant to.

I always meant to
do something good,

and I just never got...
I just never did it.

'’Cause I... When I was a
kid, I just, I thought...

I thought I would never
grow old, and now I'’m old.

I mean, I'’m half-old,
and I'’m just...

I feel like I'’ve
never done anything.

And I wanted to be in the FBI.

I wanted to be the
head of the FBI,

and I wanted them to name
an airport after me,

but the FBI, they
wouldn'’t take me.

They wouldn'’t take me
when I was younger,

so I'’m hoping I get in
this time, '’cause...

you know, life got in the way.

You know, my dad got sick. You
know, life got really hard,

and I got lazy.

And I know that,
and I'’m... I've been...

I'’m so sorry. I'm...

Feeling this gun
against my head,

I just feel like I-I know...
I know I haven'’t done anything,

and I know I will do something,
please,

if you just don'’t kill me.
I will, I will not...

I will do something good.

I promise you, I promise you,

I will do something good.

Please, please, please, please,

please, please,
please, please,

please, please, please, please,

please, don'’t kill me.

Please.

Okay.

That was really good.

That was totally believable.

[panting]

Thank you.

Um, and thank you for these.

That was awesome.

This was, like, the best.

A once-in-a-lifetime experience.

I will never forget this.
This was so cool.

Okay, thank you.

Thank you. I mean,
I just feel like we had,

I don'’t know, like...

I just feel connected to you
in some way.

I-I don'’t...
Do you feel it, too?

Yeah.Like, maybe we had,
like, a past life...

thing.Yeah.

Yeah. We should hang out.I think so.

I'’d love that.Like, we-we should all hang out.

Like, game night at my house
or something.That'’d be great.

And you can come, too.
Like, it can be so fun.Oh.

Oh, thank you so much.Yeah.

Okay, cool.Okay.

All right.
So, I'’m gonna go,

and, um...
I'’m gonna miss you guys.

So...Well, I-I'’m sorry.
I forgot something.

Um, it'’s time for my cigar.

So...No, no, no, no, it'’s okay.

No. Just...All right.

Okay, bye.Cool.

Okay.Pound it.

[imitates explosions]All right.

Bye, guys.
Bye.Bye. [clears throat]

[door closes]

Well, I don'’t know about you,

but I'’m not going
to game night.

I'’ll go if you go

and you want me to come
to keep you company, but...

No, I'’m not going
to game night.

You know,
the more I think about it,

I really don'’t like her for you.

I think you can do better.

Well, you know, different.

A little bit
on the wild side.

A little bit.

Well, we learned
that, uh...

Never give your gun
to anyone,

regardless of how nice
they are to you.

Because it'’ll always
end up in tears.

Cullen.
Cullen. Cullen.

Cullen.Stop it, Tolbeck.

Oh, my God, I just
realized who that was.

That was Jessica Alba,
the actress.

Oh, my God.
That'’s a great story.

No, it'’s not.
I drank your piss.

Okay, that part of it
is not great, but...

Jessica Alba-- she made
you drink my piss.

That'’s one for
the grandkids.

No, it'’s fucking not!

♪ Falling over
the mise-en-scène ♪

♪ Fell asleep on an unmade bed

♪ I fell in love
in my dream again ♪

♪ No, this isn'’t an emergency ♪

♪ Left a note
in the ice cube tray ♪

♪ Left the keys
on the garden mat ♪

♪ You left your comb
on the passenger seat ♪

♪ No, this isn'’t an emergency ♪

♪ This isn'’t an emergency ♪

♪ And remembers
ash and embers. ♪

MAN:
Guh-doosh.

[whip cracking]

[drums beating, tribal grunt]

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