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[lively trumpet music]
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3
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So are you excited?
4
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For my morning meeting?
5
00:00:11,180 --> 00:00:13,817
No, for your lunch with Ross Matthews.
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You know, I am. I think it'll be great
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to have a friend outside of the show.
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Well, are you sure
he wants to be your friend?
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00:00:19,489 --> 00:00:22,126
Maybe he wants you to invest
in his new alkaline water
10
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- delivery system.
- No, I think he wants
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00:00:23,927 --> 00:00:26,230
- to be my friend.
- Or maybe he wants you to be
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00:00:26,262 --> 00:00:28,097
a partner for his chinchilla farm.
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00:00:28,130 --> 00:00:32,135
Or he wants to start a line
of ice skates for babies.
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Are there just Madlibs going
on in your brain all the time?
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Kinda.
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I wanna do a high-four
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instead of a high-five sometimes.
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- Aliens?
- Hey, guys.
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I'm very excited to say
we have a great show tonight.
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Jesse Tyler Ferguson
from "Modern Family"
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and one of Malik's old clients
is here tonight.
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He is so great. So down to Earth.
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The busty Latin one on that
show makes me laugh.
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- Sofia Vergara?
- Is that who plays Manny?
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We also have Michael Strahan. He's back.
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- So that's super exciting.
- [all groan]
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What's wrong with Strahan?
He seems awesome.
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[dryly] Yeah, he's awesome.
Can't wait to produce that.
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Oh, all right, guys,
let's have a fun show.
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Okay? Bye-bye.
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- Staci?
- Yeah?
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You know how... unlike you,
I play it pretty cool
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in front of the celebrities?
So you've been telling me.
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Well, I have to say,
I'm a huge Michael Strahan fan.
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This might sound crazy, but I think
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he and I could be friends.
I think you could, too.
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In fact, Davis, why don't you
produce his segment?
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I was gonna push for that, but
didn't want to step on your toes.
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Oh, by all means. It's yours.
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- Thank you, Staci.
- Yeah.
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I know you and I don't always
see eye-to-eye...
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- No, we don't.
- True.
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But, um, this is a classy move
and it doesn't go unnoticed.
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[lightly chuckles]
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Maybe he'll sign his rookie card for me.
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[laughs] Oh, my God.
47
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- Maybe.
- But, Staci, Michael Strahan...
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Ugh. Who are you, Kylie Jenner?
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- [laughs]
- That's not a compliment.
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From Studio 9B
in the heart of New York City,
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it's "Nightcap with Jimmy."
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Tonight, the only man your mom
wants to wake up to,
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Michael Strahan.
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He has three names
and isn't a serial killer,
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it's Jesse Tyler Ferguson.
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He's back to nail you with comedy,
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Todd the Tool.
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And now, number five in the ratings,
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but number one in our hearts,
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here's Jimmy.
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-- Synced and corrected by DaddyBear --
-- www.addic7ed.com --
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- [laughs]
- So I said... I go,
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"Matty, I'll have another
glass of 'Cabaret'".
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"Cabaret" instead of Cabernet?
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- Yes!
- [laughs]
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I knew you would love that. I knew it.
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Cobb salad, sub soy bacon,
dressing on the side.
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- That's me.
- So you must be...
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fried chicken and waffles
already in a to-go box?
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Yes.
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Anyway, that way if Penny calls...
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You know, it's just easier.
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I get that. You're a working girl.
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- I can respect that.
- Thank you.
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Yas, queen. [snapping fingers]
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- Right?
- I don't know.
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I don't know.
Am I even doing that right?
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[laughs] I don't know.
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00:03:00,549 --> 00:03:02,418
It's like I don't know what's
cool or what's what
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until it's already dead.
Like, MySpace, dead.
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00:03:05,454 --> 00:03:08,124
- Vine, dead.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor, dead.
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I... Okay, I don't quite get that one,
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but, yeah, sure.
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Seriously, though, Staci,
I felt like being gay
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used to be so cutting edge.
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You know, I was like on the outskirts.
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I was a rebel, you know?
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- Yeah.
- I was a bad boy.
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- Yes.
- But now being gay is just...
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- it's like old hat, right?
- Yeah.
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Which brings me to the whole
purpose of this lunch.
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Yeah.
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I think we should be in a relationship.
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Like a real relationship.
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A fake relationship...
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but a real fake relationship.
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But I'm... and you're...
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I was having a conversation with
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my Hollywood agents,
you know and they were sort of
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advising me that it would be
beneficial for my career
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if I was perceived as pansexual.
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Like fake girlfriend
to fake pansexual...
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- homosexual man?
- Yes...
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00:04:01,111 --> 00:04:02,379
- And you're perfect.
- Oh.
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00:04:02,411 --> 00:04:04,013
- You are perfect for it!
- Well...
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00:04:04,047 --> 00:04:05,749
- No, you are.
- I mean, I'm no starlet.
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I don't know why you'd pick me.
You got good hair.
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- Oh.
- Even at your age,
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you still look...
You know, you look... you look...
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- pretty good. Uh-huh.
- Yeah.
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And people would believe
that you would be
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desperate enough to date someone me.
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I guess I could try. I mean, I just...
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- I knew you were my girl!
- [gasps] Your girl.
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Ooh, makes me feel like high school.
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He was gay then, too,
but I didn't know that.
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Oh, perfect! Perfect! You're my girl.
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I don't wanna rush you
into anything too soon, okay?
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- Mm-hmm.
- All right?
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00:04:34,176 --> 00:04:36,479
Um, but I did call the paparazzi.
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Fellas.
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- Hi.
- Oh.
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Honey, is a fake kiss
from a straight lady
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too much for this homo to hope for?
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- Sure! Yes! Okay. All right.
- Okay? Okay.
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All right, so why don't you...
Let's see...
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- [clears throat]
- You place your hand right here
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- on my shoulder.
- Okay.
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00:04:51,204 --> 00:04:52,350
- Okay, but lightly, dear...
- Oh, I'm sorry.
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You're not arresting me.
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And then I'm going to
place my hand here.
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- Uh-huh.
- And then we'll just sort of
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move in here a little...
Okay, no tongue.
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00:05:02,137 --> 00:05:04,140
- Oh.
- Okay.
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00:05:04,173 --> 00:05:07,644
[camera shutters clicking]
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00:05:07,676 --> 00:05:09,278
- Mm-hmm. Okay?
- Oh.
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00:05:09,312 --> 00:05:10,747
- Oh.
- Thank you so much.
138
00:05:10,779 --> 00:05:12,481
- Thanks, fellas. Thank you.
- Oh, gosh.
139
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So, we'll just, um,
we'll do that like, um...
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couple times a week for a couple months?
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Think about it.
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[elevator bell dings]
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- Hi.
- Oh, hello.
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I'm Jesse and I'm here for the show.
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Oh, yeah, you're on the list.
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- Great.
- But you don't have a plus-one,
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- so beat it, hippie.
- No, no, no, um...
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He has to stay with me. Okay?
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[stammers] If he doesn't stay with me,
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it's gonna be a situation with...
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Jesse, welcome.
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I'm Davis Maxfield,
the new talent producer.
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- The network sent me here to...
- That's great. Um...
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so your security guard says
that I don't have a plus-one?
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Have to have a plus-one.
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What do you not understand about that?
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I have to... [exhales deeply]
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Thank you. Thank you.
Um, I apologize for my tone.
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Um, that was unprofessional.
This is Boshka.
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00:06:01,531 --> 00:06:03,333
He's my guru. I met him on the set
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00:06:03,365 --> 00:06:05,601
of "Modern Family" last year
and he's very dear to me
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and he keeps me in my emotional light,
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so if it's okay,
I'd really appreciate it
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if he could stay
in the dressing room with me.
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- Please.
- Of course, Phil, please
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- let him in.
- Yo, bro, you do magic?
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00:06:16,146 --> 00:06:17,647
[sitar music]
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00:06:17,680 --> 00:06:19,783
- You know D Blaine?
- No, no, not like...
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Have you ever heard of The Passage?
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00:06:21,384 --> 00:06:24,521
- Nah.
- Oh.
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Maybe that's 'cause The Passage
has been waiting for you.
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What?
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You know what? Come to my
dressing room, I'm gonna tell you
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- all about it.
- Yeah.
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00:06:32,361 --> 00:06:33,596
- Yeah? Okay.
- Yeah.
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Carry me.
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Okay, yup. This way.
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Well, that's a cult.
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No way, he seemed so nice.
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Yeah, now.
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And then he's pumping you for money,
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asking you to cut off ties with your mom
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00:06:47,944 --> 00:06:49,713
and then he's telling you
the Lizard Overlord is arriving.
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00:06:49,745 --> 00:06:52,115
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Like Godzilla?
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No, not like Godzilla.
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[lively orchestra music]
187
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188
00:07:00,356 --> 00:07:02,225
Look, I don't want to
make you talk shop,
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00:07:02,257 --> 00:07:05,495
but I just have to say, your
NFL stats are amazing.
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00:07:05,527 --> 00:07:08,164
How did you perform at such
a high level for so long?
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00:07:08,197 --> 00:07:09,865
Well, first of all, thank you
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00:07:10,565 --> 00:07:12,536
and, you know, I had to think
bigger than the game.
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00:07:12,569 --> 00:07:15,572
I had to dig deep in the strategy.
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00:07:15,604 --> 00:07:18,635
Like opposing team's
play books, or game tape?
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00:07:18,660 --> 00:07:21,178
Yeah, that was okay, but no, like war.
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00:07:21,211 --> 00:07:23,346
The same thing that motivates
a man on the football field,
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00:07:23,378 --> 00:07:25,181
motivates a man in battle.
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00:07:25,214 --> 00:07:28,204
Football as war. Wow,
now that's intense.
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00:07:28,229 --> 00:07:29,674
You wanna know intense?
200
00:07:29,699 --> 00:07:32,189
The Falkland War.
That's intensity, my friend.
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00:07:32,221 --> 00:07:33,789
A lot of people, they love to get edgy,
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00:07:33,822 --> 00:07:35,858
they love to try and say
it was a little skirmish.
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00:07:35,892 --> 00:07:37,299
Au contraire mon fr?re.
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00:07:37,324 --> 00:07:39,695
- It was war.
- Oh, really?
205
00:07:39,728 --> 00:07:42,298
Oh, yeah, really,
but to understand it all,
206
00:07:42,332 --> 00:07:43,700
you gotta go back to the beginning.
207
00:07:43,733 --> 00:07:46,039
And it all started 1841, all right?
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The skies are grey, and these
guys, they're out there,
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00:07:49,272 --> 00:07:52,976
and they are really ready to fight.
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00:07:53,009 --> 00:07:54,744
[inhales sharply]
211
00:07:54,776 --> 00:07:56,212
[exhales deeply]
212
00:07:56,245 --> 00:07:58,214
Okay. That is how, you know,
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00:07:58,248 --> 00:08:00,817
using crystals,
Boshka is able to connect
214
00:08:00,849 --> 00:08:02,841
all human beings creating this sort of
215
00:08:02,866 --> 00:08:06,020
inner light harmony using
our hearts as instruments.
216
00:08:06,412 --> 00:08:09,091
Wow. You cannot argue with that science.
217
00:08:09,116 --> 00:08:10,482
No.
218
00:08:10,507 --> 00:08:15,211
Now, Todd, Boshka and I saw
an inner light within you.
219
00:08:15,498 --> 00:08:17,800
Yes, the minute we saw you.
220
00:08:17,834 --> 00:08:20,029
We think you're a love beacon.
221
00:08:20,054 --> 00:08:22,980
Sort of a lighthouse
on the cliff of humanity.
222
00:08:23,005 --> 00:08:25,541
You know? It's your duty to mankind
223
00:08:25,575 --> 00:08:27,844
to spread that love, so, that's sort of
224
00:08:27,877 --> 00:08:29,646
part of the step. It's, you know,
225
00:08:29,679 --> 00:08:32,415
building the next lighthouse
to the next Harmony Ech...
226
00:08:32,448 --> 00:08:33,917
- It's confusing, so...
- Mm.
227
00:08:33,950 --> 00:08:38,354
- Wow.
- Todd...
228
00:08:38,387 --> 00:08:43,627
Will you take this crystal
and spread your light?
229
00:08:43,660 --> 00:08:47,964
Yeah, sure
230
00:08:47,997 --> 00:08:50,767
[lively trumpet music]
231
00:08:51,599 --> 00:08:53,370
How'd it go with Ross Matthews?
232
00:08:54,403 --> 00:08:55,672
Ugh.
233
00:08:55,705 --> 00:08:57,013
Did he wanna be your friend?
234
00:08:57,038 --> 00:08:59,743
[sighs] He wants me to be his beard.
235
00:08:59,776 --> 00:09:01,710
- Really? Why?
- Why?!
236
00:09:01,744 --> 00:09:06,013
Because I'm a beautiful,
sexy, successful woman.
237
00:09:06,038 --> 00:09:08,385
- [chuckles]
- And he wants everyone to think
238
00:09:08,417 --> 00:09:11,354
he's pansexual so he can
open up his fan base.
239
00:09:11,387 --> 00:09:14,435
[scoffs] God, the kiss was so awkward.
240
00:09:14,460 --> 00:09:17,168
As awkward as when you
made out with Bindi Irwin's
241
00:09:17,193 --> 00:09:19,595
Komodo Dragon?
242
00:09:19,628 --> 00:09:22,298
I told you to never make that face.
243
00:09:22,331 --> 00:09:24,301
You know what I'm gonna do?
244
00:09:24,334 --> 00:09:25,801
I'm gonna call him up
245
00:09:25,835 --> 00:09:27,804
and I'm just gonna let him down gently.
246
00:09:27,836 --> 00:09:29,405
You can do what I did in high school
247
00:09:29,439 --> 00:09:31,308
and tell him you have mono.
248
00:09:31,340 --> 00:09:32,975
Penny, I'm not in high school.
249
00:09:33,008 --> 00:09:35,711
You're absolutely right.
Uh, what about fibromyalgia?
250
00:09:35,744 --> 00:09:38,782
Or, um, lupus! Or mesothelioma!
251
00:09:38,815 --> 00:09:42,686
Why do I have to tell him
I have any of those things?
252
00:09:42,719 --> 00:09:45,321
You're right. Way too showy.
253
00:09:45,354 --> 00:09:47,523
Guess you gotta pull the gonorrhea card.
254
00:09:47,556 --> 00:09:49,525
I'm gonna say, "I'm a successful woman"
255
00:09:49,550 --> 00:09:50,933
and I'm very busy."
256
00:09:51,594 --> 00:09:53,956
But I will keep gonorrhea
in my back pocket.
257
00:09:57,000 --> 00:09:59,836
[lively trumpet music]
258
00:09:59,869 --> 00:10:01,459
So say this with me, now.
259
00:10:01,484 --> 00:10:03,441
These are...
260
00:10:03,474 --> 00:10:06,576
- The Falkland Islands.
- [chuckles] Thumbs up to you.
261
00:10:06,609 --> 00:10:09,580
- And these are...
- The Georgia Islands.
262
00:10:09,613 --> 00:10:11,315
Which makes the pretzels...
263
00:10:11,348 --> 00:10:12,850
The...
264
00:10:12,883 --> 00:10:14,581
Um...
265
00:10:14,606 --> 00:10:17,823
The South Sandwich Islands!
We went over this, man.
266
00:10:17,848 --> 00:10:20,590
Come on, this is technically
two separate territories
267
00:10:20,624 --> 00:10:22,593
lumped together in the same war.
268
00:10:22,625 --> 00:10:24,628
I mean, these were wild times.
269
00:10:24,662 --> 00:10:25,930
I'm serious.
270
00:10:25,963 --> 00:10:28,666
April 2nd, 1982,
271
00:10:28,699 --> 00:10:30,468
that's when things really start
to get interesting.
272
00:10:30,500 --> 00:10:33,903
- Promise?
- [laughs] Oh, yeah.
273
00:10:33,936 --> 00:10:36,407
[lively trumpet music]
274
00:10:36,440 --> 00:10:38,008
[sitar music]
275
00:10:38,042 --> 00:10:42,312
Boshka is serenity.
Boshka is inner and outer peace.
276
00:10:42,345 --> 00:10:44,715
His calmness is empowering, you know?
277
00:10:44,748 --> 00:10:46,684
- Mm.
- If you could just listen
278
00:10:46,716 --> 00:10:48,351
to him... I know, I know he's not
talking, but if you could listen
279
00:10:48,384 --> 00:10:50,987
with your... with your heart,
he's gonna get you
280
00:10:51,021 --> 00:10:52,957
- where you need to be.
- [laughs]
281
00:10:52,989 --> 00:10:55,625
You know, before Davis said
he thought this was a cult.
282
00:10:55,658 --> 00:10:56,893
- What?
- [both laugh]
283
00:10:56,926 --> 00:10:59,964
No. No. No, no.
284
00:10:59,997 --> 00:11:02,366
I'm a mainstream, down-to-earth,
285
00:11:02,398 --> 00:11:04,067
relatable television personality.
286
00:11:04,100 --> 00:11:06,736
So I think I'm...
I think I'd be smart enough
287
00:11:06,769 --> 00:11:07,937
to know if I was in a cult, you know?
288
00:11:07,970 --> 00:11:09,673
Totally. Totally.
289
00:11:09,706 --> 00:11:12,643
Hey, I think I can actually
feel it working.
290
00:11:12,676 --> 00:11:14,878
Right here. Right here.
291
00:11:14,912 --> 00:11:17,080
Oh, hey,
292
00:11:17,114 --> 00:11:19,483
you guys are hanging out
with rocks on your forehead?
293
00:11:19,516 --> 00:11:21,452
- Can I play?
- Uh, actually, we...
294
00:11:21,484 --> 00:11:23,354
we don't have anymore floor space, so...
295
00:11:23,387 --> 00:11:25,955
- I don't mind standing.
- No.
296
00:11:25,989 --> 00:11:28,492
- I can...
- We need the airspace as well.
297
00:11:28,524 --> 00:11:30,360
No.
298
00:11:30,393 --> 00:11:33,096
Oh, my God, are you
kicking me out of the cult?
299
00:11:33,129 --> 00:11:34,831
It's not a cu... [groans]
300
00:11:34,864 --> 00:11:36,966
This is just like
my eighth birthday party
301
00:11:36,999 --> 00:11:38,866
all over again.
302
00:11:38,891 --> 00:11:41,672
We were on vacation in Waco.
303
00:11:42,906 --> 00:11:44,975
Hey, what are those?
304
00:11:45,008 --> 00:11:47,811
- Flowers from Ross.
- [gasps]
305
00:11:47,845 --> 00:11:49,747
Are those "no hard feelings" flowers?
306
00:11:49,779 --> 00:11:51,608
God, he's so gay and classy!
307
00:11:51,633 --> 00:11:53,850
Actually, they're for me. [laughs]
308
00:11:53,883 --> 00:11:55,853
Can you believe it?
309
00:11:55,885 --> 00:11:57,620
I can't believe it.
310
00:11:57,653 --> 00:11:59,184
Why are they for you?
311
00:11:59,209 --> 00:12:03,460
He wants me to be his beard.
Isn't that so fun?
312
00:12:03,494 --> 00:12:06,931
- So fun!
- Ooh, there's a card.
313
00:12:06,964 --> 00:12:09,800
"Dear Penny, au bon pain?
314
00:12:09,832 --> 00:12:11,612
"More like we be pan...
315
00:12:11,637 --> 00:12:13,738
"sexual!" [gasps] Oh, my God,
316
00:12:13,771 --> 00:12:16,107
there's an "XOXO."
317
00:12:16,139 --> 00:12:18,475
Staci, are you not okay with this?
318
00:12:18,508 --> 00:12:19,631
I'm totally fine with it.
319
00:12:19,656 --> 00:12:21,349
I'm the one who gave him the boot.
320
00:12:21,374 --> 00:12:23,980
Because if you're not
okay with this, I won't do it.
321
00:12:24,013 --> 00:12:26,917
It'll be just like that time you
told me to pretend to be deaf
322
00:12:26,950 --> 00:12:28,686
when George Clooney was around
so that you would be
323
00:12:28,719 --> 00:12:30,754
the only woman in the office to talk to.
324
00:12:30,787 --> 00:12:32,956
Penny, I'm the one
that wanted out of this, okay?
325
00:12:32,989 --> 00:12:35,459
- So go ahead and fake date him.
- Really?
326
00:12:35,492 --> 00:12:38,496
Yes! Go fake date him. Go fake make out.
327
00:12:38,528 --> 00:12:41,060
Go fake make love. Fake marry.
Fake fake fake fake fake.
328
00:12:41,085 --> 00:12:43,501
Oh, my God! Thank you!
329
00:12:43,533 --> 00:12:45,068
Do me a favor, get the
flowers out of here.
330
00:12:45,101 --> 00:12:48,071
- You know, my allergies.
- Oh, my God, of course.
331
00:12:50,040 --> 00:12:51,909
[sarcastically] Oh, my God, Penny, wait,
332
00:12:51,941 --> 00:12:54,077
this is so terrible. Something
happened to the card.
333
00:12:54,110 --> 00:12:56,146
[babbling]
334
00:12:56,976 --> 00:13:01,047
[lively trumpet music]
335
00:13:02,753 --> 00:13:04,455
I know what you're thinking.
336
00:13:04,488 --> 00:13:07,391
You're thinking
this is ridiculous, right?
337
00:13:07,425 --> 00:13:10,194
Oh, my gosh, I'm so glad you said that
338
00:13:10,227 --> 00:13:12,564
because what am I wearing, right?
339
00:13:12,597 --> 00:13:14,732
- It's terrible.
- Terrible!
340
00:13:14,766 --> 00:13:16,568
How's anybody supposed to believe
341
00:13:16,601 --> 00:13:19,532
that you're Lieutenant General
Leopoldo Galtieri
342
00:13:19,557 --> 00:13:22,440
if you're missing two signets
on your lapel, man?
343
00:13:22,908 --> 00:13:24,767
Yeah, totally.
344
00:13:25,002 --> 00:13:26,511
You know what? Now as I was saying,
345
00:13:26,545 --> 00:13:29,780
neither country declared war,
what they did do,
346
00:13:29,814 --> 00:13:32,751
they established The Red Cross Box.
347
00:13:32,784 --> 00:13:36,103
All this while they did not declare war,
348
00:13:36,128 --> 00:13:38,389
but you could see,
they acknowledged war.
349
00:13:38,423 --> 00:13:41,193
You agree with that?
I do agree with that.
350
00:13:41,226 --> 00:13:43,673
You know, Michael,
I'm loving this history
351
00:13:43,698 --> 00:13:45,429
as strategy thing so much,
352
00:13:45,463 --> 00:13:47,199
I don't think we should
keep it to ourselves.
353
00:13:47,232 --> 00:13:49,029
- Really?
- I know someone
354
00:13:49,054 --> 00:13:50,468
who's an excellent listener.
355
00:13:50,501 --> 00:13:55,240
[all chanting:] Be the harmony.
Be the harmony.
356
00:13:55,272 --> 00:13:57,575
- Be the harmony.
- Oh.
357
00:13:57,600 --> 00:14:00,279
Boshka, I'd like to
introduce you Michael Strahan.
358
00:14:00,511 --> 00:14:02,012
Hey, Boshka, how are you?
359
00:14:02,046 --> 00:14:03,553
It's a really cool class
you got going on here.
360
00:14:03,578 --> 00:14:05,917
- Really cool.
- [all chanting] Be the harmony.
361
00:14:05,950 --> 00:14:08,787
You know what else is cool?
The Falkland War.
362
00:14:08,820 --> 00:14:10,655
You know, during the Falklands War,
363
00:14:10,687 --> 00:14:13,669
Argentinean government...
they banned all English music,
364
00:14:13,694 --> 00:14:14,793
but you know what that did?
365
00:14:14,826 --> 00:14:16,311
It gave rise to local rock bands.
366
00:14:16,336 --> 00:14:19,464
An unintended,
but very exciting consequence.
367
00:14:19,496 --> 00:14:21,599
[all chanting:] Be the harmony.
368
00:14:21,633 --> 00:14:23,134
[lively trumpet music]
369
00:14:23,168 --> 00:14:24,941
Oh, my God.
370
00:14:26,070 --> 00:14:29,474
- You look like a Kardashian.
- Thank you.
371
00:14:29,506 --> 00:14:31,475
I went to Marcus for a little lip gloss
372
00:14:31,509 --> 00:14:34,111
before my big coffee date
with Ross Matthews
373
00:14:34,144 --> 00:14:36,581
and instead he did this.
374
00:14:36,614 --> 00:14:38,306
Well, I've been here working.
375
00:14:40,485 --> 00:14:43,955
- What is all of this?
- Well, it is all the writers
376
00:14:43,988 --> 00:14:45,824
from the history of the show
and I need you to put them
377
00:14:45,856 --> 00:14:47,858
all on a hard drive for the archives.
378
00:14:47,892 --> 00:14:50,028
But you said we didn't
have to do this anymore.
379
00:14:50,267 --> 00:14:52,438
Did I? Well, you do.
380
00:14:52,463 --> 00:14:55,266
But I have my coffee date
with Ross in half an hour.
381
00:14:55,291 --> 00:14:56,868
[gasps] Well, you're
gonna have to call him
382
00:14:56,900 --> 00:14:58,836
and tell him you're gonna be very late.
383
00:14:58,870 --> 00:15:01,740
Are you trying to keep me from Ross?
384
00:15:01,773 --> 00:15:03,841
- Of course not.
- Because you said
385
00:15:03,875 --> 00:15:05,744
you were okay with us dating.
386
00:15:05,777 --> 00:15:07,145
I am okay with you dating.
387
00:15:07,177 --> 00:15:09,047
You just have to finish your job.
388
00:15:09,080 --> 00:15:12,184
- I'm not canceling on Ross.
- Oh, why because you
389
00:15:12,216 --> 00:15:13,951
love him so much?
390
00:15:13,985 --> 00:15:15,754
Because you don't wanna
miss your fake date
391
00:15:15,787 --> 00:15:17,391
where you're gonna make a fake sex tape
392
00:15:17,416 --> 00:15:19,188
and become a fake gazillionaire?
393
00:15:19,213 --> 00:15:21,394
What if I want that? Why would you care?
394
00:15:21,419 --> 00:15:23,695
I don't care. I don't care at all.
395
00:15:23,727 --> 00:15:25,629
But of all the gay men in America,
396
00:15:25,663 --> 00:15:28,933
- you had to beard mine?
- See! I knew you were mad!
397
00:15:28,966 --> 00:15:31,602
Damn straight I was mad!
398
00:15:31,635 --> 00:15:35,005
Well, why didn't you say so
when I asked you earlier,
399
00:15:35,038 --> 00:15:37,641
- "Staci, are you mad?"
- Because...
400
00:15:37,674 --> 00:15:39,810
you should know I'm mad
without me having to tell you.
401
00:15:39,844 --> 00:15:42,234
You should be able to think my
thoughts before I'm able to
402
00:15:42,259 --> 00:15:44,583
Oh, great. Right. So
even when you mess up,
403
00:15:44,615 --> 00:15:45,951
it's still somehow my fault?
404
00:15:45,984 --> 00:15:48,019
Well now you're finally understanding
405
00:15:48,052 --> 00:15:49,620
- your position at the show!
- Yeah?
406
00:15:49,653 --> 00:15:50,822
- Yeah!
- Yeah?
407
00:15:50,855 --> 00:15:52,224
- Yeah!
- Yeah, I get it!
408
00:15:52,256 --> 00:15:54,525
All of the blame, none of the respect!
409
00:15:54,558 --> 00:15:58,096
And if you think you are gonna break up
410
00:15:58,129 --> 00:16:01,800
this beautiful, fake
pansexual relationship,
411
00:16:01,832 --> 00:16:04,702
then you have got another thing coming!
412
00:16:04,735 --> 00:16:06,199
To you!
413
00:16:07,457 --> 00:16:08,907
What are you doing?
414
00:16:08,940 --> 00:16:10,509
Storming out...
415
00:16:10,542 --> 00:16:12,792
but these shoes are so high.
416
00:16:13,778 --> 00:16:15,514
Still stormin'!
417
00:16:15,547 --> 00:16:18,283
[lively trumpet music]
418
00:16:18,316 --> 00:16:23,254
[all chanting:] I'm the lighthouse.
I'm the lighthouse.
419
00:16:23,288 --> 00:16:27,157
[all chanting:] Be the harmony.
Be the harmony.
420
00:16:27,182 --> 00:16:31,028
And that, my friend, was
the turning point in the war.
421
00:16:31,062 --> 00:16:32,111
You know what? I have to go
422
00:16:32,136 --> 00:16:33,572
talk to the director,
423
00:16:33,597 --> 00:16:35,199
so I'll catch up with you in a second.
424
00:16:35,232 --> 00:16:36,955
- All right, Michael?
- Hm. Sounds good.
425
00:16:36,980 --> 00:16:39,070
But you wanna know one thing?
Really crazy, okay?
426
00:16:39,102 --> 00:16:41,272
Craziest story of all. The BBC...
427
00:16:41,306 --> 00:16:43,742
they announced the taking
Goose Green on the radio
428
00:16:43,774 --> 00:16:45,610
before it actually happened.
How do you do that?
429
00:16:45,643 --> 00:16:47,646
Is it hubris? Or...
430
00:16:47,678 --> 00:16:49,113
do you have an inside source?
431
00:16:49,147 --> 00:16:51,332
[Both:]
I am the harmony
432
00:16:51,357 --> 00:16:53,618
- The debate rages on...
- [shouts] Shut up!
433
00:16:53,650 --> 00:16:56,287
Shut the fuck up!
434
00:16:56,321 --> 00:16:58,923
Enough about Argentina
435
00:16:58,957 --> 00:17:01,192
and England and the fucking islands!
436
00:17:01,224 --> 00:17:04,762
Shut up! The Falklands War?
437
00:17:04,796 --> 00:17:08,033
It's dumb! The Falklands
War is not dumb!
438
00:17:08,066 --> 00:17:11,201
- You're dumb!
- Oh, and by the way,
439
00:17:11,234 --> 00:17:13,671
you didn't deserve NFC
Defenseman Player of the Year
440
00:17:13,704 --> 00:17:17,875
in 2001 or 2003 because you suck!
441
00:17:18,586 --> 00:17:20,745
Go Pats! Whoo!
442
00:17:21,109 --> 00:17:23,347
- [evil laughter]
- Boshka, your voice is scary.
443
00:17:23,381 --> 00:17:26,918
[sitar music]
444
00:17:26,951 --> 00:17:31,056
Wha... What is it...
my... bright child of...
445
00:17:31,088 --> 00:17:33,791
- the lighthouse.
- Oh, my God.
446
00:17:33,825 --> 00:17:35,759
Okay, um...
447
00:17:35,792 --> 00:17:37,596
This is a cult.
448
00:17:37,628 --> 00:17:39,997
Yeah, I fell for a fucking cult!
449
00:17:40,030 --> 00:17:42,701
No, no, no, no, how could this be a cult
450
00:17:42,733 --> 00:17:45,269
if I bring you so much harmony?
451
00:17:45,303 --> 00:17:48,006
[shouting] Do I look
motherfucking harmonious?
452
00:17:48,038 --> 00:17:50,174
Go... to your lighthouse.
453
00:17:50,208 --> 00:17:51,977
[mockingly] Your lighthouse.
Go to your light...
454
00:17:52,009 --> 00:17:54,112
[shouting] You go to your
fucking lighthouse, Boshka!
455
00:17:54,144 --> 00:17:57,982
Oh, my God, he almost convinced
me to leave "Modern Family."
456
00:17:58,016 --> 00:17:59,718
- What?
- Giving up your
457
00:17:59,750 --> 00:18:01,086
material possessions...
458
00:18:01,118 --> 00:18:02,653
will lead you to enlightenment.
459
00:18:02,686 --> 00:18:04,866
Uh-huh! Yeah, okay, so the Lamborghini
460
00:18:04,891 --> 00:18:06,958
that I bought the "Church..."
461
00:18:06,990 --> 00:18:08,759
was that a material possession?
462
00:18:08,792 --> 00:18:11,328
Jesse, I explained to you
at the dealership
463
00:18:11,362 --> 00:18:14,522
that the Lamborghini is
the vehicle to the lighthouse.
464
00:18:15,133 --> 00:18:17,035
Okay, I can't believe
I fucking fell for this.
465
00:18:17,067 --> 00:18:18,702
Um...
466
00:18:18,736 --> 00:18:21,706
You're a crazy person
and you can think twice
467
00:18:21,739 --> 00:18:23,518
about me investing that yurt colony
468
00:18:23,543 --> 00:18:24,975
in Martha's Vineyard.
469
00:18:25,009 --> 00:18:27,378
That deposit is, uh, non-refundable.
470
00:18:27,412 --> 00:18:29,814
Motherfucker.
471
00:18:29,846 --> 00:18:31,016
[elevator bell dings]
472
00:18:31,048 --> 00:18:33,417
Phil, my boyfriend...
473
00:18:33,451 --> 00:18:35,854
Ross Matthews is on his way.
474
00:18:35,886 --> 00:18:39,256
Can you please send him up for our date?
475
00:18:39,289 --> 00:18:41,157
You know he's gay, right?
476
00:18:42,759 --> 00:18:45,797
[indistinct chatter]
477
00:18:48,432 --> 00:18:50,268
- Oh, my God, Jesse, hi.
- Hey.
478
00:18:50,300 --> 00:18:52,102
- Are you okay?
- Uh, yeah, I just realized
479
00:18:52,135 --> 00:18:53,738
I've been in a cult for the past year,
480
00:18:53,770 --> 00:18:55,440
I gave away a huge chunk of my money,
481
00:18:55,472 --> 00:18:57,375
and I almost ruined
my entire entertainment career.
482
00:18:57,407 --> 00:18:59,009
- So, but...
- Bummer.
483
00:18:59,042 --> 00:19:00,844
Yeah. Uh, on a happier note.
484
00:19:00,877 --> 00:19:02,312
I'm really excited to be on the show.
485
00:19:02,346 --> 00:19:04,115
Oh, we're so excited
to have you on the show.
486
00:19:04,147 --> 00:19:05,783
Yeah, I've got a great
Sofia Vergara story.
487
00:19:05,817 --> 00:19:07,751
Oh, my gosh, will you do the accent?
488
00:19:07,785 --> 00:19:09,354
- [in Colombian accent] Yes.
- [squeals] That's exciting.
489
00:19:09,386 --> 00:19:11,221
All right, I'll come in
and preinterview you.
490
00:19:11,255 --> 00:19:12,724
[sighs]
491
00:19:12,757 --> 00:19:14,692
Oh, my God hide me!
492
00:19:18,096 --> 00:19:19,964
He's gone, Davis.
493
00:19:21,798 --> 00:19:24,201
Cool, I'll just hide in
my office till he leaves.
494
00:19:24,234 --> 00:19:25,703
[elevator bell dings]
495
00:19:27,438 --> 00:19:29,340
Oh, Penny, Penny, we need to talk.
496
00:19:29,373 --> 00:19:32,009
You ready to do this
or just pretend to do it, babe?
497
00:19:32,042 --> 00:19:34,144
[stammers] I was just with
Jesse Tyler Ferguson
498
00:19:34,178 --> 00:19:36,981
and I'm thinking that being in a cult
499
00:19:37,013 --> 00:19:39,149
right now is way hotter than being pan.
500
00:19:39,593 --> 00:19:40,951
What are you saying?
501
00:19:40,984 --> 00:19:44,121
I'm gonna join a cult
and then dramatically escape.
502
00:19:44,154 --> 00:19:45,456
Katie Holmes style.
503
00:19:45,490 --> 00:19:47,025
- Ahh.
- It's good, right?
504
00:19:47,057 --> 00:19:48,492
- It's good?
- But...
505
00:19:48,526 --> 00:19:50,195
But you... you are a delight.
506
00:19:50,228 --> 00:19:52,163
Thank you. Thank you so much, okay?
507
00:19:52,195 --> 00:19:53,997
And this is... This is good.
508
00:19:54,030 --> 00:19:57,134
This is very "Deal or No Deal"
suitcase girl.
509
00:19:57,167 --> 00:19:59,269
- I likee.
- Aww.
510
00:19:59,303 --> 00:20:02,307
- Oh, Boshka! Wait up.
- Oh...
511
00:20:02,339 --> 00:20:04,007
Penny, Penny, Penny, Penny,
Penny, Penny, Penny.
512
00:20:04,040 --> 00:20:06,547
- I'm so sorry.
- That's okay.
513
00:20:06,572 --> 00:20:08,212
No, it's not okay.
514
00:20:08,246 --> 00:20:10,982
It's Ross' loss, but there are plenty
515
00:20:11,015 --> 00:20:13,867
of other gay men pretending
to be pansexual in the sea.
516
00:20:14,328 --> 00:20:17,255
- I don't think that's true.
- No, I don't think so, either.
517
00:20:17,288 --> 00:20:19,601
- But I thank you for trying.
- Oh.
518
00:20:20,791 --> 00:20:22,860
Oh! This feels like pony.
519
00:20:22,894 --> 00:20:25,130
- [chuckles]
- I hate to break it to you,
520
00:20:25,163 --> 00:20:28,733
but this is straight up Mexican donkey.
521
00:20:30,167 --> 00:20:31,443
And a little bit of Yak.
522
00:20:31,468 --> 00:20:32,865
[lively trumpet music]
523
00:20:32,889 --> 00:20:37,889
-- Synced and corrected by DaddyBear --
-- www.addic7ed.com --
524
00:20:37,939 --> 00:20:42,489
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