Original subtitles

[energetic brass music]

I liked you neck scarf.

Well, thank you.

It's my own creation.

I combined my son's baby blanket and my wife's sheer nylon

panty hose, pretty proud of it.

Well, we're gonna have a great show tonight.

Why? Because we have Paul Rudd.

Funniest man in America.

We have Wendy Williams. Yes, queen.

Uh, Staci, I have something more important to discuss

than who's on tonight's show.

The suspense is killing me.

I prepared a PowerPoint presentation.

Oh, Jesus.

"The Great Biopics Of Our Time,"

"Malcolm X." "Ray."

"The Last King of Scotland."

"Mary Poppins."

I got a great opportunity for you guys.

Jimmy, our host and Capitan,

is making a biopic about himself.

What a fucking narcissist.

- Okay, Todd, what is this? - Well, to pay for the movie,

Jimmy set up a crowd-funding page

and he is offering the staff a chance to...

- contribute some money. - What?

According to Doreen in accounting,

Jimmy makes $6 million a year,

so where does he get off asking us to donate money?

Oh, not donate. Its, um, "invest."

Can't he just ask for money from other rich people?

No.

He cannot.

This is an indie movie.

It's an unauthorized version.

He already sold the authorized version

for butt tons of money. I mean, it was great.

Hey, I'm asking you.

Jimmy, our boss and savior,

is asking you...

to please dig deep.

Okay?

Contribute what you can.

Donate whatever's in your wallets. All right?

And support the arts. Thank you.

Well, as long as its not a reexamination

of the "Peter Pan" tale

or another Holocaust movie, I'm in.

Pretty sure there's a Nazi in it.

I'm still in.

Where's your money?

[Male announcer]: From studio 9-B in the heart of New York City,

it's "Nightcap with Jimmy."

Tonight, who says leading men can't be funny?

Paul Rudd is here.

How you doin'? Wendy Williams.

A visit from the masturbating polar bear.

And now, the man who's number five in the ratings

but number one in our hearts.

Here's Jimmy.

-- Synced and corrected by DaddyBear -- -- www.addic7ed.com --

All right, make yourselves at home.

Thank you.

What's in all of these things?

- My wigs. - Oh.

Hi, Wendy. Welcome to "Nightcap."

- I'm Penny. - Hi, Penny.

Your hands are really cold and clammy.

- Oh, thank you. - Okay.

Man, I haven't seen this many wigs since high school.

I worked in a dump right outside of a drag queen bar.

I love wigs and, Wendy, you have so many.

What are you gonna wear on the show tonight?

I don't know which one I'm gonna choose

for the show tonight. You know how that is.

- I know, girl. - Oh, girl!

Okay, well, I'm gonna leave you to relax

with your ladies and I'll be back.

Thank you. Bye, Penny.

- Thank you, Phil. - Oh.

- Oh. - [scoffs]

I've never.

I didn't want a tip,

I just wanted a low-five.

But it'd be tacky to give it back now,

so I'm just gonna take it and get myself a cup of coffee.

You guys gotta get involved.

This movie's gonna be epic with a capital...

- E. - E!

Well, I have no doubt this movie will be

unwatchably bad, but I'm going to invest,

because every awful product Jimmy has ever put his name on

- has made a ton of money. - Yeah.

Those hemp-powered batteries.

- The glow-in-the-dark soda. - Exactly.

So though I do not respect Jimmy,

I respect his ability to con money out of idiots

- Me, too. - Yeah.

- All right. - Great.

So we're in as investors.

- We're an investing duo. - Yeah.

All right. How much can I put you down for?

- Uh... - Oh, money.

- How much money do you have? - [indistinct whispers]

What, you gonna kiss?

We're not kissing, we're having a business meeting.

[indistinct whispers]

- We have 2,500... - Yeah.

And we will be paying in Bitcoin.

Whoa! Thank you, guys.

- Absolutely. - All right, I'll mark it down.

Oh, here's a gathering I want no part of.

Okay, well, I think we were just about done here anyway.

So, sir. - Sir.

Todd.

Oh, Staci, I got something really fun

- for you to do. - Oh, yeah? What?

On tonight's show, Jimmy wants you to get

Paul Rudd to promote the crowd-sourcing page.

- Right? For Jimmy's movie. - Mm-hmm.

- How's that fun for me? - Well, you get to tell

Paul Rudd that he's gonna play Jimmy in the movie.

Okay, first of all, it's ridiculous

that Paul Rudd is gonna play Jimmy in a movie

- in the first place. - I know. I know.

Jimmy was gonna play himself, but he was like,

"That's super narcissistic." I happen to agree.

- I totally agree. - Yeah, so, that's why

we gotta get Paul Rudd to do it.

I am not gonna harass Paul Rudd.

Oh, definitely don't harass him; he won't do it.

I don't want to tell you how to do your job,

that just seems counter-intuitive.

- This isn't my job. - What isn't?

Getting Paul Rudd to play Jimmy in a movie.

Yeah, it is.

You're Staci from talent.

Okay, Todd, I-I...

First of all, I'm not gonna leave this room

because I know you're gonna pee in the sink again.

I wa... Yeah, I was.

- How do you know that? - I-because you always get

a little drool when you gotta pee.

[jazzy music]

So excited to have you here.

Excited to be here.

So, basically, uh, I just need you

to go out there, say hi to Jimmy,

do your fun, little frat thing,

- and then, uh... - Right.

He's gonna ask you about the biopic.

What? He's making a biopic?

About himself growing up in Long Island...

A stand-up becoming a late-night talk show.

And you are perfect to play Jimmy.

[sighs] That's very flattering.

I... not only would I not...

want to star in that movie,

I wouldn't want to see that movie.

That's a... it's boring.

But he's... he is gonna mention it

first thing when you come out.

- So, I... - [groans] Why...

Look, the only reason any of us even do these shows

is so that we can sell our own boring shit.

Why would we use this segment to go out there

and sell his boring shit?

Well, we'll start there

and then we'll talk about your boring shit.

Can't we just talk about my boring shit?

Oh, I think he wants both.

His boring shit and your boring shit.

That's a lot of boring shit.

- Yeah, well... - I'll tell you

the most interesting thing to me about Jimmy is the...

Was the fact that he was a Scientologist

- and then... left. - Yeah.

Yeah, he doesn't want to talk about that.

It's really about a stand-up who became

a talk show host.

What's interesting about that?

Well, not everybody

got to be a stand-up and then a talk show host.

Four people were stand-ups

and then got to be talk show hosts

and all four of them have shows right now.

But four out of millions is, you know,

I think people in China will find it fascinating.

People in China don't even know who Jimmy is.

Not yet. That's why the biopic is so important.

Why is he even asking people to crowd-fund his movie?

I mean, do you want me to give money to the... to the...

Well, that would be great.

That is not cool.

- It's not? - No.

What do you consider "cool"?

Not doing this movie.

[energetic brass music]

- Miss Williams? - She stepped out.

Can I help you? - Oh, okay.

- I just have her segment notes. - Just leave 'em over there.

Daniel Craig is at Nobu and I need to sign

his hot, English ass.

Oh, my...

- It's real human hair. - [gasps] Oh, my God!

I'm so sorry! I'm so, so terribly embarrassed.

So unprofessional. I... I just couldn't help myself.

- They're so beautiful. - Well, thank you.

You know, it's not nice to try on other people's wigs.

It's, uh, germy, number one,

and number two, it's just...

They're too personal.

You know, I've heard that.

Uh, I'm not from the street.

Well, neither am I!

[stammers] Right.

How did you get involved with loving wigs, anyway?

Oh, well, I had severe cradle cap

and my hair didn't grow in until well into my teens.

So I had to make my own wigs,

but, you know what, it was no big deal.

I was actually a breech birth, so I was grateful

just to be alive to have cradle cap.

This is a cute wig, but this is not

- the man magnet. - Really?

No. Try this one.

Oh, she's beautiful.

See, you're already into it 'cause you call it a "she."

That's what I call my wigs.

- You do? - Yes, "she."

This is not a bad color on you. [gasps]

You could really pull this off.

- Oh, my God. - Your eyes are green,

you know, you've got nice skin,

- and I love the subtle wave. - Um...

you are the nicest guest that we've ever

had on the show and, not for nothing,

but we've had Jeff Goldblum.

[chuckles] Thank you.

You're catching me on a good day.

Thank you so much.

So this is what I'm going to do.

- I want to give you this wig... - [gasps]

Because your germs are already in it.

- Sorry. - And I'm going to give you

this wig. Do you feel beautiful?

I haven't felt this beautiful

since my mom told me I wasn't beautiful.

Fuck her! She's the one who gave you cradle cap!

Thank you, Wendy.

You're very welcome.

[energetic brass music]

- Hey. - Can I sit down?

- Nope. - [groans]

So did you get Paul Rudd to do Jimmy's movie?

No, he doesn't want to do it.

What? What are you talking ab...

Oh, my God.

My investors are gonna be pissed.

- What investors? - Everyone.

Red-headed Randy, uh, the round chef.

Everyone.

Okay, why isn't Paul doing it?

Okay, um, Todd, I'm gonna tell you,

- but listen to me, to the grave. - Yeah.

Paul Rudd doesn't think Jimmy's interesting.

What?

Jimmy is the most interesting guy I know.

And what are you talking about? He shoots hoops!

He watches movies! He swims!

Don't get so heated about this.

I have to! I... well, you're telling me...

He's more interesting than Captain Hook!

What does Captain Hook have to do with any of this?

He's an old man in a world of boys.

All right? And he's got a hook for a hand!

And he wears that regalia like a champ!

Oh, my God! He's so interesting!

- Regalia? - Yes!

He's dressed in the nines

and he, [mumbles with pirate accent]

And everyone's like, "Who the fuck are you?"

And he's like, "I'm Captain Hook."

He's Peter Pan's nemesis and Peter Pan's interesting!

If I was stranded on a desert island and I could

only take three people with me, I'd take Jimmy

and no one else 'cause Jimmy's that interesting.

What about Captain Hook?

Yeah, fine, Captain Hook and Smee.

- Who's Smee? - Captain Hook's lover.

- I... - Fuck Paul Rudd!

[energetic brass music]

- Wendy Williams. - Staci.

We are so excited to have you back on the show.

- Thank you for inviting me. - Hi, I'm Staci Cole.

- Hi. - Oh...

Penny, you shouldn't be playing with the guest star's hair.

Well, I'm actually giving her this

and it's really boosted her confidence.

- Well. - Staci, I can't believe

you've been working here for so long

and you're not running this place.

Oh, you know,

the politics around here are crazy.

I didn't fuck Jimmy.

Well, you know, my show's been renewed

till 2043, that's a lot of TV time

and I know that you're doing talent booking here,

but there's so many things that you're qualified for.

Oh, I love daytime. I do.

I love the makeovers and "Who da father?" and stuff.

- That's fun stuff. - Yeah!

Can I say something?

You would be lucky to have Staci.

Staci Cole would make the most incredible

executive producer for daytime television.

Look at her! She's smart, she's funny,

she's beautiful, she's bold,

she says what she means, she means what she does,

she does it all the time!

She brings it when she brings it.

[growls]

I feel so alive.

I'm gonna go FaceTime my mom.

Look at that, red hair has changed her personality.

Oh, gosh. Oh, if I go anywhere,

she'll be carrying my bags.

The best thing that you can do is just

keep this between me, you, and Penny,

go over to the show and interview.

Don't tell anybody around here.

Yes!

[high-pitched] Yes!

You don't have to act black,

just 'cause you might work at the black girl show.

Very well.

[energetic brass music]

So, basically, Jimmy didn't see your movie

so if you could just give me the questions

and I can give 'em to Jimmy, than he can ask you.

No, it's all right. He doesn't need to ask me

anything about it. Just have him say

that it's great and that I'm great in it.

- Okay. - [knock at door] Hey!

- Hey. - It's Todd.

Hey, Todd, what are you doing?

Paul Rudd wears makeup?

Oh, just... just... Just when I'm cruising.

- [laughs] - Tight tits, bro.

Uh, you know what?

This reminds me of a really good Jimmy story.

Uh, this one time Jimmy and I were at Spumoni's

out in Long Island, and we were eating pizza

and there was this bird outside

and then there was, like, no more oregano left

and he was like, "Yo, where's the oregano?"

And then he asked the person behind the counter,

but they didn't speak English

and we just like... that was it.

- That's a great story. - Hey.

So many more stories about Jimmy.

That's just the tip of the "Titanic."

- Yeah. - You know what I mean?

That one is a good one, though.

Right? It was a good one. It was nice meeting you, man.

I did my job.

That guy's... that guy's rad.

- Rad is a nice word for it. - Hey, Marcus,

do you have any makeup 'cause I got a pimple.

I think it was because I ate a lot of chocolate

this weekend.

There was a big pile of it and I just

kept eating it and kept eating it

and kept eating it and now there's a big pimple

and its right behind my glasses and it really hurts.

Like, every time I push up... ow.

And then... oh, ow.

And th... ow.

I have these glasses.

I wanted to some other glasses to cover it up,

but then I put those glasses on and it didn't cover it up

so I put these glasses on and they do cover it up,

but the problem is is that they hurt.

- Okay. - Hi.

I'm Paul.

What's your name? - I'm Phil.

Phil.

What do you do here, Phil?

Well, I'm the security guard here.

Oh, I didn't know if you just liked to wear that.

But if you're asking, like,

how do I fit into the whole world,

well, I just live my life

and I have my very own apartment.

I do share it with a cat.

I used to share it with two cats,

but it turned out that the other one

- was a New York City rat. - Ew.

It broke into my house and it ate

all of my peanut butter.

- Yeah. - Well, it happens.

I really like peanut butter.

I eat it a lot.

Bye.

- I'm so sorry. - About what?

Well, he doesn't usually come into makeup and...

- He's amazing. - Phil's amazing?

- He's incredible. - Huh.

- Is he in the biopic? - No.

- Can he be? - Yes!

[sighs] It sounds self-serving, or, um...

but if you play a part like that you can win an award.

Yes.

Like, you know, "Gilbert Grape."

Oh, you wanna play Phil in the biopic?

I would love to play Phil.

I never get offered those parts.

It seems like an easy fit for you and...

If you let me play that part...

- Yeah? - I will absolutely

go on Jimmy's show and plug his movie.

You'll go out on stage...

Give me the uniform and a big 'ole pair of glasses

and a zit on my forehead and a rat

that eats peanut butter.

Uh, you've got a deal.

It's a deal. Done!

All right.

[energetic brass music]

- Oh, Wendy Williams. - Oh!

You were so great on the show.

I mean, you really gave it to Jimmy.

- That was great TV. - And you looked beautiful!

Of course she did.

Wendy, you gave me a gift,

now here's a gift for you.

It's that handmade wig. I made it from doll hairs.

You can wear it on the "Wendy Williams Show."

Honey, you're very sweet and very weird.

Well, thank you very much for the hospitality.

And, hopefully, I'll be seeing you soon.

Come on, Malik, let's go.

Oh, my God, Staci, you're definitely

gonna get that job and be an executive producer

in daytime television.

Oh, Penny, that would've meant so much more

if you didn't look so fucking stupid.

[energetic brass music]

[knocks on door] I'm looking for a Mr. Mudd?

Hey, man! Come on in!

- Okay. - Wow, look at you.

Yeah, have a seat. Thanks for coming here.

I wanted to just get to know you a little bit.

I think you're an interesting dude.

Thank you, I... get that quite often.

So tell me about yourself.

Where did you grow up?

Oh, um, my mom is not big on specifics

and I blocked out everything before I was 15 years old.

Why do you suppose that's the case?

I don't know, but I have a huge scar

in the shape of a horseshoe on my right thigh

and what a believe is a map to a treasure chest

tattooed on my back.

I don't want to get dark, but I think I have amnesia.

Oh, well, there it is. TMI.

Hey, I have a house upstate.

Um, would you want to, maybe, spend some time with it?

We can go up there this weekend.

This isn't one of those things

where you lock me in a well, is it?

No, I promise you. I'm not going to abduct you.

I just want to get to know you.

And I wanna get into your skin.

Not your actual skin, not like "Silence of the Lambs."

Do you have a life's motto?

Is there a way you live your life?

Well, I guess the big thing is...

uh, I have to eat every day. No matter what.

- Sure. - Um, when are we leaving?

[slaps knee] How about now?

I mean, I'm supposed to work till six,

but, feh. [chuckles]

Yeah, let's do it. [chuckles]

Oh, look at you.

You ever been diagnosed with Marfan's syndrome?

Is that what that guy from "Rent" had?

- No, that's AIDS. - Hmm.

-- Synced and corrected by DaddyBear -- -- www.addic7ed.com --

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