Original subtitles

[upbeat music]

[overlapping chatter]

Sorry I'm late.

All right, we have a great show tonight.

We don't have a great show. We have a mediocre show tonight.

We have Stephanie March from "Law & Order: SVU."

Ooh!

We also have Gigi Gorgeous.

- Who's that? - Who is Gigi Gorgeous?

She is a trans model and makeup artist.

She has millions of YouTube subscribers,

and she introduced me to this lip gloss,

- which obviously looks amazing. - It looks amazing.

- It's shiny. - Oh, she's so beautiful.

We're also gonna do Vulgar Tweets again.

Oh, God.

That's a complete rip-off of Jimmy's Mean Tweets.

- Which Jimmy? Our Jimmy? - No, not our Jimmy.

- The other Jimmy. - Which other Jimmy?

- He's talking about Jimmy... - [both]: Kimmel.

Jimmy thinks it's funny, so we're doing Vulgar Tweets.

- Which Jimmy? - Jimmy, our Jimmy.

And it's funny how he puts the little thing

over the people's mouths when they're saying the bad words.

It's original.

Late night hasn't been original since Steve Allen.

Okay, we're doing it, and also,

Jimmy's business manager embezzled some money

and took off to Mexico, and he can't reach him.

So Jimmy is drinking vodka on the toilet

up in his dressing room.

Please do not disturb.

So let's just go in and do the best mediocre show we can.

- Penny? - Yeah?

What's in your neck?

What... what?

Looks like an acupuncture needle.

Oh, that makes sense.

The light in my acupuncturist's van is a little shoddy.

Oh, I could take it out for you.

- Really? - Yeah.

That would be awesome, because I'd have to wait till the next quarter moon.

Yeah, let's just go to my office.

That's where I keep my surgical gloves.

- You need surgical gloves? - Well, no.

But if something were to go wrong, then yes.

From Studio 9B

in the heart of New York City,

it's "Nightcap With Jimmy."

Tonight: transgender YouTube star Gigi Gorgeous.

A woman who can actually make you gorgeous,

Stephanie March.

Celebrities read mean Myspace posts.

And now, the man who's number five in the ratings,

but number one in our hearts,

here's Jimmy!

-- Sync and corrections by DaddyBear -- -- www.addic7ed.com --

[knocking] Hey.

- Yep. - It's Todd.

- Yeah. - Hi.

So Jimmy wants to be set up on a date with Gigi.

- Gigi Gorgeous? - Yeah, yeah.

We gotta make that happen. You gotta make that happen.

Does Jimmy know that she's...

Canadian, yeah. He's totally fine.

- It's a great state. - Okay.

You are aware that she has another name.

She in the CIA?

No, she was born "Gregory."

Oh, yeah, no, that stuff.

Yeah, Jimmy knows all about that, yeah.

- It's 2016. - Okay.

You know, he sees her on YouTube.

You know, he just... Doesn't want to marry her.

- He just wants to hook up. - All right.

- You get that, right? - Yeah.

- You hook up. - No, I don't hook up.

Yeah, you do. You have to.

No, I got a gnome garden,

and I volunteer at the Humane Society.

I'm full.

Okay, there's gotta be humane guys out there, right?

No, I'm not really using a man to fulfill me.

- Okay. - I'm just... I like...

Saturday night to me is a mug of Ovaltine

- and Jane Austen. - Oh, I get it.

You're into women. [clicks tongue]

Not into anything. Thank you.

Okay.

[upbeat music]

Thanks so much for doing this for me, Randy.

I just have never had a steady hand

when it comes to needles.

That's why the woman in the wheelchair

picked a fight with me in quilters' club.

It's actually a really simple procedure.

Plus, I once got a massage in Bali,

so I'm pretty good with Eastern medicine, okay?

You got nothing to worry about.

Why is Grady here?

I'm glad you asked.

I'm filming you for YouTube.

Why?

Extraction videos are huge on YouTube.

- Really? - Yeah, people love watching

stuff get pulled out of other people.

Blackheads, insects from ear canals.

Ingrown hairs are awesome.

Why would anyone watch that?

Sexual gratification, of course.

So will people...

Be fondling themselves while they watch you?

Most likely.

Why on earth would I agree to do this?

- Money. - Money.

With the extra cash, I could finally afford bone broth.

I'm in!

All right! Let's do it.

That's why I'm not good in heels.

Oh, my God, Ana, we are not doing

bikini waxes in the dressing room anymore.

I am here to speak to Gigi.

- I'm so sorry. - Oh, no worries.

- I've had fans do worse. - Oh, I'm not a fan.

I just wanted to show you my beauty line,

because I was thinking of maybe making you

my spokes-model for Czech Mate Cosmetics.

Czech, you know, like Czech? You know, like Czech?

Oh, we get it. We get it.

I think the trans community needs more product identity,

but I already rep a line. I'm so sorry, boo.

Oh, she reps a line.

What the fuck is a trans community?

She was a man, and now she's a woman.

Ooh. Only in America.

Well, actually all over the world.

Okay, thanks, boo.

You can still have a look around, yeah.

- Okay. - Oh, my gosh.

I'm so sorry. You know, I don't pick the staff.

So is she transgender too?

Oh, God, you know, I've never asked.

But I want to talk about your interview.

So you're gonna walk out onstage,

you're gonna sit down, tell the story

about how you almost died choking on a Cheeto.

Okay, and then there's another segment, right?

You go to the commercial, you come back,

and then you're gonna tell the story

about how you almost incinerated your Whippet.

And then you'll probably go to dinner with him.

With Jimmy?

Yeah, he likes to entertain the celebs after the show.

So, you know, as soon as we're done,

boom, you're in his Hummer, and you're off for some tekka maki.

What are you, his pimp or something?

Yes, I am.

Honey, I didn't go through all of this

to be going on dates with some aging comedian.

Okay, just... Just think about it, okay?

Because it could be fun, you know?

And it could be my job.

Well, why don't you just fuck him then?

Okay, cool. So you'll think about it.

Proms?

Okay, I'll think about it.

Ana.

I'm not taking everything.

Um, listen, I need you to do me a favor.

Me do you a favor?

I need you to convince Gigi to go out with Jimmy tonight.

- Why me? - Well...

because Gigi thinks you're also a tran... friend.

And I just need you to convince her.

- One condition. - Mm-hmm.

You get Stephanie March to try my beauty line products.

And when she loves it, I'm gonna become rich.

I'm gonna quit this shithole,

and I'm gonna move to Pittsburgh.

Nobody rich lives in Pittsburgh.

I know, I'll be the richest person in Pittsburgh.

- Do we have a deal? - We have a deal.

Okay.

[energetic music]

Do not eat those pork sliders.

I know cat when I taste cat.

Uck, I was actually contemplating it.

Thank you, girl.

Jimmy wants to have sex with you.

Oh.

Ew.

I don't think I'm interested.

Okay, I get it.

But I do it a couple of times a week,

and it's not so bad.

Hmm.

I just think that you should know

that Jimmy gets 50% discount at J.Crew.

Even though that sounds very enticing, no.

I don't think I'll be dating Jimmy.

That's a good call. He's not your type.

Oh, yeah? Who is?

I don't know, but definitely not Jimmy.

I look at Gigi, and I see, like, a strong, confident woman.

You're like a butterfly, and Jimmy's like a dung beetle.

Wow. I'm Gigi Gorgeous.

Randy, audio.

Nice to meet you, Mr. Audio.

Do not eat the sliders.

Rawr!

So are you gonna fuck Jimmy or not?

No!

Smooth.

[energetic brass music]

You're a very pretty girl,

but what if I can make you more pretty girl?

See, I have this line of beauty products that...

You know, I already endorse so many products.

I'm the face of them,

and I have contracts with several different companies

because I have a makeup bar called Rouge,

and I feel that it would be a conflict of interest.

Hello, it's a blow dry bar for makeup.

It's genius.

Sounds like a wonderful spot

to carry my cream.

It's handmade by peasants in the mountains.

Where are you from?

The Czech Republic.

Where are you from?

East Hampton.

Is that where, like, rich people live?

Not full-time.

That's where I will live when I'm rich, not full-time.

But I really think that you just let me try

a little bit on your skin, and then if you like,

maybe you are going to want to sell

in your blow dry bar for face store.

You know what, give it a shot.

- Okay, fantastic. - Fine.

So I'm going to put this on you.

I try it on my whole family.

Okay.

And my family, they love it.

I don't test on animals.

It's starting to smell weird.

It's actually starting to burn a little bit.

Oh, no, it's the organic ingredient.

It's supposed to burn, yes? It makes it work.

Oh, ow, ow, ow. Ow! Ow, ow, ow!

- What is in this? - Ow!

Uh, what the hell is going on in here?

My face is burning off. That's what's going on.

Okay, I'm going to go and make myself a coffee.

Ow, ow, ow, ow. This is really starting to hurt.

Uh, will you do something?

Will you do something?

Somebody do something!

[lively trumpet music]

[sniffs]

Ah.

Ahh.

- Penny. - Ahh.

Ah, what are you doing?

Can you stop? We have some news.

Penny, the video was a huge success.

We have 10,000 likes. - 10,000 likes.

- What? - You're a star, Penny.

I directed a great video. Now it's a hit.

I directed and created and "story by," teleplay...

We co-directed it. He produced it, I directed it.

Penny, the point is we have 10,000 likes.

My phone will not stop beeping.

The point is, it's all about content right now.

Content, content, content.

So what else do you have?

What else can we pull out of you, Penny?

There is another acupuncture needle in my thigh.

- Hey! - That's perfect.

- Yes! - You gorgeous idiot.

Why didn't you tell us before?

I'm a star.

Get into hair and makeup now.

Hey, there, hey-yo, hi-yo, hey-yo!

Ha ha, hey, hey.

Damn, you are gorgeous.

- Thank you. Hi. - "Gee-gee" Gorgeous.

Nice.

It's Gigi.

Cool.

I'm Todd, by the way.

I'm from upstairs where all the creative magic happens.

Oh, cool. Are you one of the writers?

- Mm-hmm, yep. - Oh.

You probably recognize me from that ongoing segment I have.

Right? "Todd the Tool."

Dress up as different tools.

I was a saw.

- Okay. - A screwdriver.

It was very nice to meet you.

Wrench. I was also a wrench.

So are you excited for tonight?

Uh, yeah, I'm really excited.

I'm excited to be here and be on the show.

No, no, I meant after the show.

Jimmy takes all his dates

to really expensive restaurants, so...

I'm sure Jimmy is very nice,

but, no, I will not be going out with him,

for the last time.

What?

What... he's famous.

He's a famous guy.

He's just not my type.

He's everyone's type 'cause he's famous.

Okay.

Wait, sorry, no one's ever said no to Jimmy.

I don't know how to process this.

He... you gotta go.

I'm gonna... I'm actually gonna go.

- No! - Very nice meeting you.

Where you go... I don't know how to tell Jimmy this.

Bye. [giggles]

Oh, gosh.

[energetic music]

[sighs] I can't believe this happened.

I'm so sorry.

I know I should have said something,

but quite frankly I'm afraid of Ana.

She is a monster.

Oh, my God. What happened?

That Russian hooker's makeup line ruined my client's face.

Yeah, she's actually from the Czech Republic.

Shut up.

Stephanie March has been the epitome of beauty

- for 40 years. - Not 40.

And then she comes to this shit show,

and now her face is ruined?

Well, we don't know how it looks yet.

The aloe vera may have taken the swelling down.

I think it's time to take off the bandage, yeah?

Okay.

Now, listen to me very carefully.

Stuff happens all the time

- on our set. - All the time.

She bruised her knee bone. I've broken nails.

Marcus always knows how to fix everything.

Girl, I'm sure it's nothing. I'm sure... Ahhhh!

- Ahhh! - Oh, my God.

[gasps]

Oh, oh.

Oh!

She looks great.

Where are you going?

- We have a thing. - We have a thing.

- What... come back here! - We have a thing.

[energetic brass music]

If that Ukrainian cretin

is not deported by the end of the week...

Somebody wanted to see me?

Yeah, you and your makeup line

have disfigured my client's face.

She has weak American skin.

It is a very good thing I have a plastic surgeon on retainer.

You are so fired!

- [chuckles] You gonna fire me? - Yeah.

I am Jimmy's. You can't fire me.

- I'm untouchable. - You're Jimmy's?

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. We got it all figured out.

We have an ambulance standing by for Stephanie,

and Janeane is gonna fill in.

Janeane, I'm gonna need you to plug Stephanie's makeup line.

It's called Rouge.

Sure.

Ugh, that burned face wore me out!

I'm gonna go vape. Excuse.

Don't you have some faces you need to burn off?

Anyway, we're so excited to have you here, Janeane.

Thank you. I'm happy to be here,

but I'm not entirely comfortable plugging that makeup line.

I know I said I would do it, but it's not mine,

and I don't know anything about it really.

It's okay. We would love you

to do something that Stephanie was gonna do.

She was gonna stand up on the desk

and flash her boobies,

you know, like Drew Barrymore did with Letterman.

- So if you just wanted to... - Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

- Just one. - No, no.

They're both horrible. I could not do that.

Can I just do some comedy or some stand-up or something?

Oh, pfft, comedy.

Yeah, Jimmy... Jimmy doesn't love comedy.

But it's a comedy show.

- Is it? - Intermittently.

- But actually... - you know, actually,

a lot of people don't think I'm funny.

And I could just sort of make conversationally...

My neighbors don't break down their boxes.

I mean, this isn't a joke,

but I'd like to pretend that it is,

'cause maybe they'll see the show.

Sometimes there's just Styrofoam peanuts.

And also, the recycling.

Wire hangers in with the plastic bottles.

It's... it's a fool's errand.

And I just think it's poor citizenship.

Plus, I don't want Zoltan to think it's me.

Zoltan is a maintenance man in my building

from Transylvania.

People are from Transylvania.

In fact, a lot of the maintenance men in my building.

It's a real, I guess, who-you-know kind of thing.

Our audience, I don't think, is really gonna relate

to a building and a maintenance man.

Not relate to people who Airbnb illegally

also on your floor?

They're not gonna relate to that?

And also, that asshole who Airbnbs,

one of those Airbnbers stole his steak knives.

Then he blames the maintenance guys.

And, you know, they're from Transylvania.

- I said that already. - This isn't...

They didn't come all the way from Transylvania

in the hold of a cargo ship covered in earth

to take this kind of abuse.

All right, you know what? I have an idea. Why don't we play a game?

Jimmy loves to play games with girls.

Okay, what kinda game?

Have you ever seen us play Jimmy Cricket?

Yes, yes, is that the one... You ask him...

You ask Jimmy sports questions,

and every time he gets something wrong,

you get to smack his butt with a paddle.

Why is it called Jiminy...

It's Jimmy Cricket, because of the...

Right, but it's "Jiminy."

Well, there... hence the joke.

And his name's Jimmy. All right, I got it.

Maybe I could just talk about...

I think it's rude when people...

Fire trucks are loud, I understand that.

We all understand that, but I think it's not nice

when people hold their ears when sirens go by,

because somebody's in danger.

It seems arrogant, and, you know,

it's were... we're all in this together, and I just... I just...

You know what it reminds me of,

when people do this in fire trucks?

It reminds me of those who drink their tea two-handed

in an oversized mug,

usually with their sleeves pulled like this.

And it's like, "I'm so cold."

Hello, team.

Okay, guys, I'm here to check in on the stats

of the second vid,

and I wanted to discuss the third vid.

I think it should be a trilogy, like in "The Lord of..."

Penny, Penny, some guy in Cuba just posted a video.

He's pulling out, like, a three-inch piece of ear wax,

17 years old.

He is killing the Internet right now.

- But... - So we're done, Pen.

What about me?

You had 15 minutes, and now we've moved on, but...

No, the Internet loves me. I have so much more to offer.

- I'm willing to have anything... - The Internet moves fast.

Extracted from my body.

Wait, guys, have I shown you the ingrown hair

on the back of my neck?

I would let one of you squeeze it out.

- Penny, Penny, please... - Shh-shh!

Inside my left nostril, if you

- get in there close enough... - Penny...

I have a blackhead that's been there for literally six months...

- No, Penny! Penny, please! - If you've got a microscope...

That is enough!

You're embarrassing yourself.

I'm sorry to have to be the one to say it,

but it's over.

You did a great thing here today,

and you were a star, you were.

Look in my eyes and believe that.

- I was a star, I was. - You were a star.

You were the world's darling for a few minutes,

and now you're nothing again.

You tasted something sweet

that we should have never let you taste,

and now nothing will be good again.

But that's reality, kid.

I knew it was too good to be true.

I'm not cut out for this fame.

Unless...

there's something else you can do.

When I hock a loogie,

it kinda looks like Donald Trump.

Hey, Staci, Gigi's not going out with Jimmy?

No, it's not happening.

Damn. Well, what about the what's-her-face?

Well, that's just it. Her face got burned off.

She's in an ambulance on the way to the hospital.

- Is it bad? - Remember the Nazis

at the end of "Raiders of the Lost Ark"?

The melting faces thing? Yeah, Jimmy's not into that.

All right, uh, I'll tell Jimmy that you failed him then.

No, no, no, don't you tell Jimmy anything.

I'm gonna fix this.

Oh, Jesus Seriously, again?

Well, it's free.

Listen to me, it is your fault

that Stephanie March is not going out with Jimmy tonight.

So you need to entertain him.

Oh, but it's not my turn tonight.

I entertained him this morning.

Listen to me. [chuckles]

You don't play with Jimmy tonight,

I'm gonna tell every publicist in town

that you get your makeup base from Chernobyl.

Okay, fine, I'll do it.

Good!

You are ruthless, like a mobster.

Makes me homesick.

Excuse me, how hard am I allowed to hit Jimmy?

Well, I usually hit him as hard as I can

until he says his safe word.

- What's his safe word? - Stop.

- Stop? - Much like this show,

Jimmy doesn't put a lot of effort into it.

Understood. I'll see you out there.

Okay.

She's gonna kill him.

[cheers and applause]

Hey, Gigi, can I grab that mic from you real quick?

Yeah, sure.

You were really great on the show tonight.

- Oh, thank you, Mr. Audio. - Did you have fun?

- Did you have fun? - Yeah, it was fun.

Sorry. Caught in your hair.

You have really nice hair.

Anybody ever tell you that?

[chuckles] Yeah, thank you.

Sorry, I got it in your eye.

No worries. I like your hair too.

- It's cute, the curls. - Thanks.

So you, uh, you turned Jimmy down, right?

- Yes. - Yeah.

Well, I'm free tonight,

if you maybe wanted to get food or something.

Yeah, let's do it.

Uh, I didn't think you'd say that, um...

You need to have more confidence.

Oh, I'm Jewish, so, uh, it's not natural.

But yeah, so, um, I know, like, a good Indian place.

Oh, you know what, if I have Indian food,

I'll be shitting all night, so probably not.

Yeah, let's not do that. Chinese?

Um, nah.

No, okay. Uh, sushi?

- Yeah. - Yeah?

- Let's do it. - Cool.

I'm just a little short on cash at the moment.

Typical man. Let's go.

-- Sync and corrections by DaddyBear -- -- www.addic7ed.com --

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0