All language subtitles for Nightcap s01e04 The Cannon.eng

[lively trumpet music]

[indistinct chatter]

Whoo!

Hey, hey, hey.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey,
hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

Okay, first of all, there...

Yes, there is a pet
adoption in the lobby.

Please don't adopt
any more animals.

Also, we have a big show, guys.

We got Michael J. Fox.

- [gasps] MJ!
- Yeah.

He got snubbed at the Oscars this year.

Oh, he wasn't up for an Oscar.

Hey, can I... Can I hug MJ?

- No.
- I'm going to.

Okay, so we also have his
lovely wife, Tracy Pollan.

- Oh.
- And Jim Gaffigan.

We got Jim again, so
it's a big, big, big show.

Is that a wig for Jim Gaffigan?

No, this is for my wife.

We're going to salsa night tonight.

- [giggling]
- That's so great.

- Fun.
- I know.

And, uh, Penny,

Nippulini's coming today.

Did you see his show?

I couldn't look.

Okay, it's a big get for us,

so I'm gonna let you do
the pre-interview today.

- Um, I...
- You're welcome.

Appreciate that so much,

and I know that that's a big
step forward in my career...

Marcus, uh, can you do full-body makeup?

- I have to do nipples?
- Nipples and ass.

I am definitely not doing ass.

I will only do nipples if
you buy me new brushes.

- Okay, nipples. I'll do the ass.
- Great

How are we with security

with Michael J. Fox?

[whimpers] Oh, oh...

You know, standard operating
of the procedures.

Okay, um, great.

Remember, uh, Jimmy
was on a bender last night,

so he has a bit of a headache.

So don't talk to him, and... Grady?

- If you're done... are you done?
- Yes.

- I asked if I could bring up an issue.
- Yes, please, please.

If I could have the room, please.

As some of you know,

there's been a thief amongst us.

Someone is stealing the wheat crackers.

We all know the wheat crackers
are for the guests only.

This is a good point, though.

There is a lot of stealing going on,

and I feel like we should
get someone to address that.

Phil, this is something you
could probably help us with.

That just seems like
a lot of work, though.

Hey, can I say something real quick?

Uh, I just want to say,

I think we're gonna have
a great show today.

You know, Jimmy... I haven't
talked to Jimmy yet, but I will.

I talk to him every day.

So, yeah, have a great show today.

Uh, yesterday sucked.

Okay, that's the end of the meeting.

Everybody have a good show.

Thank you. You too.

- Thanks, Staci.
- Namaste.

[indistinct chatter]

- We have a show to do, people!
- Oh!

[energetic brass music]

[male announcer] From Studio 9B

in the heart of New York City,

it's "Nightcap with Jimmy."

Tonight, he's back from the future

with his family tie.

It's Michael J. Fox and Tracy Pollan.

The world's palest comedian, Jim Gaffigan.

A man who lifts SUVs with his boobies,

The Great Nippulini.

And now, number five in the ratings

but number one in our hearts,

here's Jimmy.

-- synced and corrected by DaddyBear --
-- www.addic7ed.com --

Let me tell you something, Penny.

If every celebrity was in
rehab that should be in rehab,

we'd have no guests on the show.

- That's true.
- Uh, listen.

There's somebody who smells on the crew.

I don't know who it is,

but it smells like a bag of dead cats.

Find out who it is.
Celebrities hate a fetid stench.

And also, there are no more
tampons in the ladies' room.

You still use tampons?

Yes, I still use tampons.

Wow.

Ahh!

Penny, did I eat today?

Did you eat today?

Let me check your log.

Um, no, according to your food log,

you've only had three throat lozenges.

Oh, my God.

- [sighs]
- Get into that banana.

Um, I was thinking...

You know how I monitor your food?

Mm-hmm.

Well, last night, I couldn't sleep,

and I had this idea.

What if I could monitor your heart?

'Cause I'm, like, a little concerned

that you're gonna have a heart attack.

No, I've always said, as
soon as I took this job,

I will die in this job,

but it'll be by my own hand.

Don't say such things.

You are at very high risk,

and I have a way to fix the problem.

Oh, my God.

The Olsen twins left their

matching JimmyBits last night,

so I was thinking maybe
we could both wear them.

Penny, this is Jimmy
slapping his name on a Fitbit.

But they work. They're incredible.

No, remember when he made the juicer...

- The Jimmy Juicer...
- The Jimmy Juicer was...

And everyone in props lost their hand?

That was a hard day for everyone.

Morale was low. But I wouldn't worry.

Anyway, all you have to do
is download an app, and then...

Okay, whoa, I'm out.
I don't download apps.

That was foolish of me to say "just."

I will download the app for you...

Mm-hmm.

And monitor your... Your health

and your heart rate, so
all you have to do is move,

and I'll get a sense of,
like, where you are,

'cause right now, I would say
that you're barely breathing.

- So maybe if... would you...
- We're moving?

I hesitate to ask, but could you stand?

- Oh, God.
- Do you know...

I was an actress for six
months when I was young,

and when there was
movement involved, I left.

And by the way, this is
not doing anything.

Can I just tell you something?

If you really want to get
your heart rate up...

Mm-hmm?

[objects sliding and clattering]

You do it from the core.

You twerk. You go.

You go, you go. Come on, Penny.

You're actually using your core.

This is how you get your heart rate up.

Oh, my God, it's really working.

David Duchovny taught me this.

Well, I can't tell you how
excited we are to get you.

It's taken, like, 14 years to book you.

You've been on the air
for 14... eh, it'll be fine.

Anyway, this is your home
away from home for a little while.

Make yourself comfortable.

We have water, which you can have.

And there's that candy...
Anything you would need.

Um, we have a great show.

We have, uh, Jim Gaffigan coming...

- Mm.
- Who you probably know.

- He's funny.
- And The Great Nippulini.

- Oh!
- You kidding me?

- Fuck God.
- What?

Again with The Great fucking Nippulini.

I... I love The Great Nippulini.

On my 50th birthday,
we flew to Paris to see him.

I saw him pull a piano across
the stage with his scrotum.

That's... that's...

And they say he's working
on a thing uh, with his butt...

A sphincter lift...
He can lift a small child.

Yeah, no, he's a... He's really...

He's a national treasure.

You know what? I am so sick and tired...

What?

Of your obsession with
nipples and scrotum.

No, it's his... His
nipples and his scrotum.

- It's not... and your nipples.
- It's disgusting. Okay.

I don't talk to you about
your Justin Bieber fascination.

Okay, okay.

Obsession. She loves short Canadians.

- Mike Myers is...
- Justin Bieber is not short.

He's shorter than me.

He is; he's shorter than me.

Justin Bieber is shorter...

I don't... it's... This is not my pl...

This is something for your
therapist to deal with.

No, his new album is really good.

Oh, fuck off.

So you guys get yourself comfortable,

and I'll be back in a little while.

I haven't been comfortable in 13 years.

Staci, Staci. Staci!

The Great Nippulini is here, so...

- Okay, let's take a breath.
- [groaning]

In through your nose,

out through your vagina.

[sighs] Now listen to me.

We talked about it this morning.

You are talent.

Now, put those shoulders back,

and you go tell that nippled freak

how a pre-interview is done.

[knocking on door]

Come on in.

Hello, Mr. Nippulini.

Welcome to "Nightcap."

My name is Penny. I work
in t-talent department...

- I'm so sorry.
- It's okay.

I don't mean to be rude.

Um, I've just never seen... like,

metal from a man's bazoom.

[snorting] Sorry.

Congratulations.

What I'm here to do right now

is to walk you through your segment.

First thing that's gonna happen

is, Jimmy will say,

"It's Mr. Nippulini!"

The lights are gonna come on.

Um... [stammering]

I don't know how you're supporting it.

Um, and then... ouch.

And then you are going to...

lift the, um, uh...

- I would call it an anvil.
- That's an anvil.

Uh, you... I would lift it.

You're gonna lift the
anvil with your nipples.

[snorts] Sorry. You're gonna

- lift it with your nipples.
- It's okay.

And that looks... It
just looks so heavy.

- [laughs]
- It's not that heavy.

You can try to pick it up if you want.

- Really?
- Yeah.

- Um, okay.
- Here, I'll show you.

[murmurs indistinctly]

- Ouch!
- Shit.

- Oh, God!
- Wait a minute, hold on... stop.

[screaming] Oh, my God! No-no-no-no!

- No! Stop it! Stop moving!
- You stop moving.

- Stop!
- Stop moving.

I've never been so close to a nipple.

- Down. Just stay still.
- Stay still.

- No! Ouch!
- Don't move. Don't move.

- Ow!
- Don't push me down!

- Hi.
- Hey.

- Hi, Jim.
- So I thought about it.

- Yes.
- So here's what I'm gonna do.

Do the doughnut story,

and then after that, um, I'll do the, um...

Remember, I talked about avocados, so...

- Very funny.
- Thanks, Tasha.

And then I'll do the, uh...

Then I'll talk about, uh, Ener-Jesus.

Then I was thinking,

then I'll talk about the TV Land show...

I'm sorry. I heard "Jesus."

Which is also on Comedy Central,
but people can get it online.

I'm sorry, but the Jesus thing is a bit?

No, uh, the energy drink.

We didn't talk about that on the phone.

It's... don't worry.

I know that it's a no-no,
like, the product thing,

but this isn't a product.

It's an energy drink.

It combines the two things
that people love most,

which is energy drinks

and our Lord and Savior Jesus.

So it's Ener-Jesus.

And the slogan is,
"God, this tastes good."

I'm gonna... I'm gonna just
tell you right now...

- Yeah.
- That Burbank will fire my ass

if I let any kind of product
placement on the show.

It's just better if
we do a little, like,

B-roll of you playing
with your family, and...

Drinking the juice.

I don't think that we should
use the juice at all.

It's not technically juice.

Like, there's no juice in it.

So don't worry about that.

But anyway, so what I love about it is,

it's Ener-Jesus, and
the thing is... is, like,

I have kind of a teenaged side to me.

Like, if you put a hoodie
on me, you'd be like,

"Oh, is he a skateboarder?"

And so I was thinking maybe
I could come in on a skateboard

with the juice and be like,
"Hey, what's up, bruh?"

I'm gonna say no, Jim,

and I don't even have
to take it up to Jimmy.

I just... My hands are tied.

Are you... are you
making money off of this?

I'm not making money off of it.

I mean, this is... It's a business.

I mean, this is... you know,
I mean, I'm, you know...

Unlike you, I believe in God.

- I'm not going to hell...
- Oh, I don't...

So I have a juice that is not a juice.

It's an energy drink.

I got 20 cases.

And I was hoping to... After the show...

Very dignified... Selling
them to the audience.

Oh, I don't think that's
a good idea, Jim.

We don't have to be on air.

No, we're not allowed to have
bake sales in this place.

It's not a bake sale.

No. Absolutely not.

You cannot sell your disgusting
religious drinks on our show.

- Fine, I won't...
- Thank you.

- I won't sell it.
- I'll just...

Fox News said I could do it.

Anyway, uh, our makeup
girl isn't in today,

so if you wouldn't mind
just kind of doing

your own foundation and lip gloss...

she's sick.

- [sighs] Okay.
- Okay?

[knocking on door] Oh, man.

It's Doc Hollywood.

Oh... Hey, I'm Todd.

I'm Jimmy's best friend.

I'm a producer here.

Creative stuff.

You know, a bunch of different things.

Hey, can you sign my stethoscope?

'Cause this is... This
is one like you used

on "Doc Hollywood."

Yeah, do you want me to hold your water?

- Thank you so much.
- Yeah, you hold my water?

- Sorry.
- Top three movies of all time.

What are the first two?

Oh, uh, "Godfather," "Doc Hollywood,"

"Who Framed Roger Rabbit."

I have them in the reverse order.

- Oh, yeah.
- [laughing]

So where... hey, where do
you want me to sign this?

Uh, just sign it anywhere, you know.

You could sign it right on the rubber.

It's black on black. It's...

Yeah, I'll see it. Yeah.

You know it's there.

- Yeah, thank you so much.
- Okay.

Yeah, hey, before I leave,

can you just flash me real quick?

- Can you just do a little flash?
- What?

Like you did in "Doc Hollywood"?

- Oh...
- You know, when you flashed...

God, no, no, no.

- Oh, could you...
- No, that wasn't me.

- She wasn't in "Doc Hollywood."
- I wasn't in "Doc"...

- You weren't in "Doc"...
- No.

Yeah, you were.

"Family Ties"... you're
thinking of "Family Ties."

We met on "Family Ties."

I don't know what that is.

It was a show. It was in the '80s.

- All right, cool, great.
- Oh, great.

- Cool.
- Thank you.

- Thank you.
- Special seeing you.

- Oh, man... thank you.
- Okay, bye.

- Oh, man.
- Um, anyway, so listen.

We... I know you wanted us
to do this thing on Parkinson's.

- Yeah, that's great.
- Yeah.

But I feel like we've seen
that on every talk show.

- It's getting a little redundant.
- Wha...

So the writers had this
idea and thought,

why don't we shoot you out of a cannon?

- You...
- [laughing] Oh, my God.

I-I... you want to shoot me
out of a cannon? Because I...

Yeah, I just... I feel like the
foundation's a bit of a yawn.

I have Parkinson's.
Idon't know if I can...

I don't know if my brain can take that.

Oh, no, no, wait, wait, wait.

- That is so funny. Oh, my God.
- What's funny?

It has been so long since you've done

something that's actually funny.

I mean, something that
other people will see.

Oh, well, there you go.

- The wife...
- That's great.

Yeah, shoot me out of a fuckin' cannon.

- Yeah.
- Oh.

- Shoot him out of a cannon.
- I'd love that.

No, I... what am I saying? No, no, no.

No, no flashing, no cannons.

- No, no...
- [laughing]

- That's funny too.
- [stammering] You're sick.

I can't believe you're
the mother of my children.

[lively trumpet music]

As a security guard,
you need a certain energy

and a spirituality to guide you through

protecting the world
against the forces of evil.

Wouldn't you agree?

Actually, I really barely
even use the energy

that God gave me.

And it's also got a
terrific metallic taste.

I do love a good
metallic taste, actually.

What is going on here?

- Phil?
- Oh, nothing.

Um, this is where the sodas
and cantaloupe water go.

This is my area. I've arranged it.

- What are you doing in it?
- Um...

This seems like you guys are
gonna escalate into a fight,

and that is my cue to exit.

- Thank you, Phil.
- [chuckling]

Is this some of your artwork?

This is all of my artwork.

Could I steal one minute
and just run an idea by you,

please?

All right.

You're obviously an artist,

unlike the people around here.

Are you familiar with the idea of,

if you sell three cans of Ener-Jesus...

- I'm gonna stop you there.
- Yeah.

This sounds like a pyramid scheme.

- Am I wrong?
- Um, there...

I have always wanted to be
invited into a pyramid scheme,

and I've never had the chance.

Well, then we're in good luck here.

And I'll tell you something.

Between you and I, Grady,

this building is filled with
some dumb fucking people.

Should we have Val Kilmer on
just to prove he's not dead?

- Wait, he's not dead?
- See, exactly.

Hey, it's me, Todd.

- You guys got a sec?
- Oh, God, no.

Oh, Todd, we're so slammed right now.

Bummer. That's a bummer.

I can't find the fire marshal anywhere.

So if you got, like, a
lost and found list,

just throw him on there: fire marshal.

Okay, um, I haven't even
convinced Michael J. Fox

- to do the sketch.
- Really?

I don't understand why
Jimmy thinks it's so funny.

- I think it's funny.
- Okay.

But Michael J. Fox is, like,
a national treasure.

He's, like, a "New York
Times" best-selling author,

and he's a movie star and a TV star.

He's a pioneer in Parkinson's research.

From Canada, mm-hmm.

And I just think it's a little degrading

to light him out of a cannon.

Jimmy wants it to happen,
so just make sure MJ

just jumps in there, and he flies out.

Let's call him Michael
J. Fox and not MJ.

Agree to disagree.

[chuckling]

Mm-mm-mm.

Hey, were you able to mic Nippulini?

Yeah, but if you keep
sending freak shows to me

with metal rods hanging
from their nipples

and all sorts of materials on their body

and you think that it's
gonna make my life easy...

- Randy!
- Yes?

Can we hear him?

- Yes, you can hear him.
- Okay.

Oh, my God, do you mind if I...

Please. Just watch the kimono.

Can I tell you, I haven't
sat down in, like, six months?

I can't take five
minutes off in my life.

Ener-Jesus, Gaffigan's drink. Try it.

It's, uh... it'll perk you
up, and it's free.

It's a billion-dollar idea, trust me.

It smells like cat piss.

That's natural.

Oh, God.

- Yeah.
- Feels weird.

Yeah, I, um...

It's like right before you black out.

- Mm-hmm.
- And my ankles are swollen.

I don't know if I peed,
but I might have.

Oh, that could be menopause, though.

My God, my hair is falling out.

Staci, I'm so sorry to interrupt,

but I've been monitoring
your heart rate,

and it went up just a little bit.

I'm fi... Look, clumps.

- I'm fine.
- Are you dying?

- It's rising.
- No, I'm not dying.

Are you having a heart attack?

I don't have an EpiPen in here.

- I had an EpiPen...
- I am not gonna die...

And I used it on my dog already.

- In this tepee of feet smell.
- He's allergic to himself.

That's never gonna happen.
Listen to me, sweetie.

One day, when I take a lot of pills

in a Four Seasons Hotel in Scottsdale,

you're gonna be with me.

Staci, if I'm not with you

on your deathbed,

then what the hell is all this for?

What is wrong with you two?

Wow.

[sighs]

Are you gonna introduce yourself

or just go straight in
for the tongue kiss?

Would you shut up? He can hear you.

I will never shut up.

- Hi! Hi.
- Hey.

Oh, look at that face.

Did you try the crumb cake?

Listen, um, I just want you to know

that we have a German
shepherd standing by.

- Oh, I...
- [stammers]

Well, look, if they
smell burning rubber,

- they'll... they'll bark.
- He can stand down.

'Cause I'm... I'm not
doing it. I'm not doing it.

Oh, I... you know what?

- We have a hose, and...
- [laughing]

A hose? It doesn't make any difference.

I know that there's
some security fears, and...

And I'm not getting
shot out of a cannon.

- It's not happening.
- Okay.

You know, Michael,

there's nothing cooler
than a small, confident man

being shot out of a cannon.

You know my name?

[dramatic music]

You get shot out of a cannon,

everyone's gonna know your name.

I'll do it.

[energetic brass music]

Jim Gaffigan.

Listen to me.

There are your Jesus
cans all over the office.

I can't help it if people
are open to thought

and feelings and energy drinks.

Okay, the point is, if I go out

and I see on the monitor
that you have a Jesus drink

while you're talking to Jimmy
or a logo or anything,

you will never do this show again.

- Write that down.
- Never.

- Fine. [scoffs]
- Okay.

Look, I won't do anything.

[wheels rumbling]

[dramatic choral music]

Hey, Jim.

Ener-Jesus is ready for the show.

Hey, Jim,

you know, when I get out there,

I'm gonna say,

"I'm the king of the juice." [laughing]

- We came up with that together.
- Yeah.

- Okay, I want 5%.
- 3%.

- Fine.
- All right, let's move some cans.

[uplifting music]

[cheers and applause]

Wow, your heart rate's, like, perfect.

It's a great day, Penny.

It's a great show.

And this is how you produce
a late-night talk show.

- Hey, you guys got a sec?
- Yeah, what?

Uh, Michael J. Fox is on fire.

What? Why didn't you
call the fire marshal?

Told you... I didn't know where he is!

Man.

-- Synced and corrected by DaddyBear --
-- www.addic7ed.com --

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