Original subtitles

[energetic brass music]

Oh! It's gonna be a great night.

We have an amazing show today.

- We have Kelly Ripa... - Eeee!

Keep it in your pants.

We have Sarah Jessica Parker and Andy Cohen.

- Staci! - Wow!

- Impressive! - Very well done.

- I know! - This is what it must be like

- to work on "Seth Meyers." - Or "Jimmy Fallon."

- On a bad night. - I went to a taping of

"Colbert" last week, and it was just

A-list star after A-list star after A-list star.

And it didn't even seem like it was a big night for them.

It was like just normal Wednesday.

- Okay, all right. - How do those other

- talent bookers do it? - If you're good at your job,

- you can book stars like that anytime... - Listen to me.

I am good at my job. I do excel at my job.

It's just that everybody hates Jimmy!

[shrieking] Jimmy's a bad person!

Free gifts from Jimmy!

[overlapping exclamations]

Yeah, he wanted to thank everyone

for that .002 ratings jump, so...

nice! [laughs]

- Here ya go. - Oh!

- Yeah. Randy! - Thanks, Todd.

- Penny. - Thank you so much, Todd.

Here ya go. Grady!

- All right. - And Marcus.

Wait a second! This is a Tag Heuer?

That's a really expensive watch.

Yeah, but Jimmy's the face of the brand,

so obviously, he gets a discount.

Everyone get their watches?

- All: Yeah. - No one...

- doubled up? - All: Nope.

- Something wrong, man? - I didn't get one.

It's probably upstairs, Todd.

- I'm sure it's upstairs. - Yeah.

Well, Jimmy said he put 'em all in the bag.

Oh, I'm sure he left yours upstairs.

- Yeah? - Yeah! You got one!

- Me. - Todd's got one!

- Todd. I'm Todd. - Who's a good boy?

- Me. Todd! Me! - Who's a good boy?

- Who's a good boy? - Me!

- Go get it! Go get it, go get it! - Me!

[laughing]

[laughing]

I hope he's from a shelter,

not a breeder.

From Studio 9B

in the heart of New York City,

it's "Nightcap with Jimmy."

Tonight: New York City's sexiest citizen,

Sarah Jessica Parker.

The couple with the whitest teeth,

Kelly Ripa and Mark Consuelos.

A man with more housewives

than a Saudi prince, Andy Cohen.

And now, number five in the ratings,

but number one in our hearts,

here's Jimmy!

So read it back to me, Penny.

"Dear Mr. Wallach,

please stop leaving naked photos of yourself in my mailbox."

XOXO, Staci.

[door slides open]

Todd, you seem upset.

I'm the only one that didn't get a watch from Jimmy.

I'm sure he just forgot.

Does this mean I'm out of his entourage? It has to, right?

No! I'm sure he just...

overlooked.

Yeah. I mean, you guys grew up together.

You're best friends. He would never forget you, Todd.

That's what I thought. I don't even know what to do.

I can't get another job. I don't have a resume.

- A r?sum?? - I don't speak Spanish. What?

Look, I'm sure he just forgot.

No! He wrote a list

of people he wanted to get presents for.

With a pen!

He never uses pens!

He used a pen one time in his life,

to take his dad off of life support... that's it.

I'm gonna go find Randy help me with my resume.

[energetic brass music]

Then I spent a few years as a hedge funder,

which was profitable, but very stressful.

Yeah, so now I'm working

in the low-stress job of security.

- That's happy. - You look so familiar to me.

- Something about New York. - Mm-hmm.

Did you run for mayor?

No.

- Sarah Jessica Parker. - Hi.

Hi! Staci Cole.

- Oh. Yes, hi. - Talent booker.

- Hi! - Nice to see you.

All right, I'm handing her over to you now.

If anything terrible happens, the blood is on your hands.

- Thank you. - I'm gonna go get a soda.

Oh, anyway, this was dropped off for you earlier.

- Oh, good, thank you. - You're welcome.

Did I just, um... did I just see you recently

at a...

Was it at the... was it the Met Gala?

No, no, I've never been to the Met. I don't have...

- Nobody... Didn't get an invite! - Oh.

I... I just... I feel like I know you

from something else, then?

You went to the Poughkeepsie All Girls Theater Camp.

Oh, my God! Yeah!

- When I was... when I was 14. - 14. Yeah, yeah.

We were in the same bunk together...

- the Greta Garbo bunk. - No!

I'm Staci, but you called me "Jaws"

'cause I had braces and headgear.

Jaws! Oh, my God, yeah!

- Yeah. - Oh, my God... wait!

- We did "Peter Pan" together, right? - Yes, you were Wendy, and I was the dog.

- Yeah! - Yeah, I had the big, red barrel.

- Right! Of course... - You were so talented.

- You were... you were talented! - Well. [barks] Thank you.

Wasn't that the best summer ever?

- Ever! - It was magical.

Singing and jumping in the lakes...

And playing Spin the Bottle...

I'm gonna let you get settled in.

- Okay. - Okay?

All right. Thank you.

It's ni... funny to see you again.

- Malik! - Sit.

A celebrity couple came to me today,

and they want me to find them a surrogate

- so that they can have a new baby. - Who is it?

- Who's the celebrity couple? - I'm not telling you who it is.

Now, listen: if you want

great photos on the red carpet,

champagne in your hotel room,

methamphetamines after midnight,

I'm the girl to come to.

But I don't know where to find anybody a uterus!

[laughs] Are you...

asking me if I would be the uterus...

Staci, I would never ask for your uterus,

okay? We need a young,

- a fresh, a new uterus... - Okay. Okay.

- Not one that's all haggard and used up. - I got it.

Okay, well. If you can do that for me,

I'll get you George Clooney and Amal on "Nightcap."

I will get you that uterus.

Hurry up!

- Monday, Tuesday... - [pills clattering]

- Wednesday... - Oh! There you are.

- Hey. - Hi. Sorry.

- I know you're at lunch. - Thanks.

Here. Just a little champagne.

I know, I know, you don't drink,

but just have a little after your charcoal pill.

Oh! [giggling]

What's going on? There must be some good news.

- Can I ask you a question? - Sure.

Are you ovulating?

- Yes! - Okay, Penny,

do you know in "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory"

- when Charlie finds the Golden Ticket? - No.

- I found yours. - Where?

There's a famous celebrity couple,

and they're looking for a surrogate.

- Who is it? - I don't know!

But you're gonna meet them soon,

because you're gonna have an interview.

- They're gonna ask you a few questions. - No.

- I don't do well in interviews. - It's like taking an eye exam.

I'm legally blind in my left eye.

Okay, you might want to keep that to yourself.

Let's try it.

Uh... for instance, family history.

Is there any alcoholism?

- Yes. - Okay. Let's... zzzt.

Let's try, um...

is there any... incest?

- My great-grandfather... - Okay. So that's a yes.

And what about... cannibalism?

Do you know the Donner Party?

- Yes. - On my father's side.

Okay, so there's some alcoholism, there's some incest.

There's some cannibalism,

and probably a lot of mental health issues.

Best you don't say anything.

Let me do all the talking.

- Okay! - Okay!

- Let's make a baby. - Cheers.

[lively trumpet music]

Oh, you're in the greenroom.

- Andy Cohen! - Hi.

Staci Cole. Gosh! Why has it taken so long

to get you to do this show?

Well, 'cause Jimmy's a racist homophobe, so...

but I got a new show to promote.

I get it. No, he's a complicated guy.

But we're so happy you're here.

- Yeah, me too. - So a new show on Bravo.

- That's exciting. - Yeah.

It's, um, "Broadway Smash"?

"Broadway Smash-Up." It's a singing torture show.

- It's amazing. You're gonna love it. - Oh, I can't wait.

So, listen, as you know, Jimmy is... mmm-mm...

and I'm gonna really have to brief him on this.

So can you walk me through the show?

Okay. Uh, so let's pretend you're on the show.

- Okay. - Right? Pretend you're a celebrity.

- Okay. Yes? - Okay.

And you just pick a song from a Broadway show

and sing it, and no matter what happens,

don't get distracted.

- All right. - All right?

I'm gonna choose something from my childhood,

- when I had very bad acne... - Doesn't matter. Just sing.

- Great. - Okay.

Um...

One

Singular sensation

- Sing out. - Every little step

- She takes

- Get into it, get into it!

- Da da da da da da da, one

- Feel it...

- Sell it, work it! - Moment in da-da-da

Everything

- That she takes

- All right, okay!

- One smile

- Okay, you're screwing up...

- And suddenly nobody

- The lyrics a little bit.

- Else... will...

- Okay.

Oh! Do, da da da da da da da

- For the one who's second

- Good!

- Rate to none

- Keep singing.

What are you doing with my food?

- Throwing it at Staci. - Oh. Good.

- I thought you were wasting it. - Really have to mention

She Oh!

- Yes. - Yes!

- She's

- Serve it!

- Serve it! - The

I got it... I...

One I got it... it's funny.

You get it now?

- Oh. Hi, Todd. - Oh, hey, Randy.

Are you just sitting in here by yourself?

Oh, you noticed?

Yeah, I... better get used to it.

- What do you mean? - Pretty sure I'm kicked out

- of Jimmy's inner circle. - Hey.

Have you seen my walkie-talkie?

I was making a number two,

and I put it on the floor of the bathroom,

and then someone just took it.

And I yelled at him to bring it back,

but he just ignored me.

- I think he had brown shoes. - It's not in here, Phil.

You guys talking about chicks?

No. We're talking about how Jimmy doesn't like me anymore.

- Why? - I'm the only one that didn't get a watch.

I've been around long enough to know what that means.

First the gifts stop. Then no more trips.

Then he kicks you out of the house.

That's what he did with his handicapped brother, Jeb.

Yeah, but he had you hand out the watches.

He wouldn't have made you do that

if he wasn't gonna give you one.

- He's not that cruel. - Tell that to his brother Jeb.

He's now in Times Square begging tourists for cash

dressed as a dirty Olaf.

There, there.

That felt nice. Can you do that again?

[energetic drumming]

Why, um, why... Did you just work out?

- Is that why you're dressed like that? - Oh, God, no, no, no, no, no.

I'm... I was, uh... I was briefing Andy,

and he ended up throwing food at me.

- Classic Cohen. - Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, it's great to see you again.

- Yeah, it's... - Jaws.

[both chuckle] Yeah, well...

- I got veneers. - Oh, wow.

- Yeah. - Oh, those are good.

- Yeah! - Those look so real.

- Yeah. - 'Cause they're even, like,

slightly uneven. They do like a...

- They make it real. - Make it real.

- They make it real, yeah. - That's amazing.

Yeah. Anyway, it's so fun to reminisce, isn't it?

- Yeah, it is fun to reminisce. - Yeah.

Do you remember the last night of camp?

Yeah, I mean, sort of.

We did the show, right? And then we...

Oh! Then we all went, um...

didn't we all swim, like, at midnight in the lake?

Yep. And then you don't remember it was cold?

It was August. We all ran inside.

And the other girls wanted to go do s'mores

- and get patches and sing. - Right, right, right.

- Sort of, sort of, yeah. - Sing some songs.

And you said, "I love fireflies,"

- and I said, "I... " - I still love fireflies.

I know! So you were running after the fireflies,

and I was running after you, and, you know,

- off we went through the meadow. - You remember so many details.

I do, I do. I remember, like, the...

- you know, the wheat... - What's that?

Hitting me in the stomach as we ran through the field.

- Oh, my God! - And it was stars and the moo...

- My God. - I think the moon,

because you were lit like an angel.

And we were in the middle of the field.

We both turned at the same time to say something,

or maybe you were gonna sing something,

and then we just... we... kissed.

- We had this big kiss... - No.

- In the field. - No. I don't remember that.

You... you stroked my hair very softly.

- It's one of those things... - I just don't remember that.

Yeah, all right. [mumbles] It's not a big deal.

I just... I never got closure,

and now I have closure, so we're all good.

So have a great show.

I'm gonna go check on your limo.

[whispering] Oh, so stupid!

Why did I have to say that?

So, Sofia, 17 years into "Modern Family."

- [as Sofia] Yes. And I do... - Oh, hey.

- The Coke commercials. - Here you guys are.

- See? - It's so fun.

- Hey. - Hey. Have you guys seen Todd today?

- I know, I know. - No, seriously.

He's, like, really upset.

I've never seen a man so broken by a watch before.

Let me just fix it, okay? You know what, Penny?

Put my watch in the box and give it to Todd.

Oh, my God. I'm gonna cry!

- Don't cry. - That is the sweetest thing.

Wait... do you want my watch?

- No. No, no, no. You keep it. - I'll take it.

No. You won't take it.

You will take mine. You will put it in a box.

You will give it to Todd.

And I save the day.

Okay.

All I'm saying is this could make or break your life, okay?

- Okay. - So just be normal.

Oh, my God!

Kelly Ripa and Mark Consuelos!

Put your baby in me!

- [laughs] - She signed an NDA, right?

- Of course. - Yes.

Mark, Kelly, this is Penny.

- Hi. - Hi, Penny. Welcome.

We are, uh... we're so excited to meet you.

- And I you. - I'm Staci Cole.

- I'm gonna do your s... - They know who you are.

So, um, Penny,

please tell us about your overall health.

Uh... it's not...

- It's not... - It's great. Not an issue.

It's not an issue. I'm currently pumping my body

full of herbs and vitamins

or "veetymins" as they say in England.

I don't know why I just said that. [laughs, murmurs]

- It's true, they do say... - They say it like that.

- They'll say, like... - "Vitt-amins."

- Alu-min-ium. - Alu-min-ium.

Yeah. They also say can't.

They say can't a lot.

- Cunt. - [whispers] No.

Why do you think you're fit

to carry a celebrity child in your...

- in your womb? - I feel like it was what I was

- born to do, like a nun. - [mouthing words]

It's the perfect job for me.

You know, I work around celebrities every day,

and I have a uterus,

but I've never actually put it to use,

and I'm really excited to see if it works.

And to help two of the best people in the world

bring a new life into the world would make me...

[voice breaking] Whole.

[chuckles]

Tell us about your sexual history.

Oh. There really isn't one to speak of.

I mean, in a normal way.

I mean... I get mine,

- but I'm no floozy. - That's okay.

- We're not here to judge, just... - That's exactly what we're here to do.

We're here to judge.

Would you have sexual intercourse

while our baby was inside you?

- [mouthing] - No.

- No. - No?

- Yes. - Yes?

Whatever you want.

Do you have any... pets or herpes?

No. Not that I know of.

Um...

would you... be having sex

- during the pregnancy? - We covered that.

- That was asked and answered. - Oh. I'm sorry.

Can we ask her about herpes again?

I think that's an issue that we both agree

is the reason we have a surrogate.

Thank you so much for coming by and meeting us.

It was really a pleasure.

- Really? - Really.

- [emotionally] Oh! Really? - She said,

"Really."

- Okay. - Thanks.

- Thank you. - Thank you.

- Thank you. - Bye-bye.

[energetic brass music]

Hey, look what I got!

- Look at that! - Mm-hmm.

That's exciting!

- Jimmy loves you so much. - I know.

He walked right up to me. He was like,

"Yo, I wanted to save the best for last."

- Then he gave me this watch. - Wait, wait, wait.

Jimmy came up to you and gave you that watch?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Get this.

When I went back to my desk,

- there was a second watch! - What?

[laughing] Yeah! There's two watches now!

Oh... [groans]

Yeah. Penny, ask me what time it is.

- What time is it, Todd? - I'll tell ya.

It's 7:00. [laughs] And...

it's 7:00. What... now it's 7:01. Is it 7:01?

- Yeah, it's 7:01. - We're all really excited

- for you down here, Todd. - Not only did he give me two watches,

he handed me this briefcase, right?

Told me I was doing a good job.

It's filled with... a-cash!

Fuckin'-A! That's good stuff!

[laughing] Yeah!

So we'll come back from commercial,

and Jimmy will introduce you. You'll go out.

You'll sit in the chairs. And then I thought it'd be really fun

to start with your story about on the mountain with Barry Sonnenfeld and...

Yeah, well, we were very high on Molly.

- Oh, well, drugs... gives it a layer. And... - What time is it?

It's Invisalign time.

Remember? 24 on, 2 off.

24 on, 2 off.

All right, so I'm gonna let you guys, uh,

get ready, and I'll come back

in a little while and get you miked.

- That sounds great. - Thank you.

I do want to just quickly ask you,

- what did you think of Penny? - Oh!

- Penny, uh... - Penny.

From the other room.

She's a terr-ific surrogate.

- We've made a decision... - [gasps]

And we just want to tell her in person ourselves.

- I'll go get her. - Yeah.

- Oh, that'd be great. - All right!

- Thanks so much. - All right.

- Stand by for the uterus. - Okay, thanks.

[whispering] Penny, Penny, Penny, Penny,

Ah! Penny. Oh... did you fart?

No! No. This is sage Palo Santo and lavender

to cleanse the space and remove negative energy.

It's just been feeling super weird

and a little bad vibey since Kanye was here.

Get it. Listen, Kelly and Mark are here,

- and they have an answer. - [gasps]

Oh, my God! Is this what I think it means?

- [gibberish] - Blah...

Okay, all right. Let me just...

Okay, all right.

Let's just do the hair back.

Pink cheeks.

Let's get the feeders up. Ooh! You should wear a bra.

And...

All right. Let's go make a baby.

[laughs]

- Here she is. - [yawns]

- Hi. - Hi.

So, um, like we said,

- we loved meeting you. - Yes.

Thank you so much for coming here

- and talking with us. - I do work here,

but it was my sincere honor.

Well, listen, we thought about it a lot,

- and, uh... - Yep.

We've decided to go in another direction.

- Huh? - What?

Yeah, no... you talking with us really

helped us decide what we really want

- in a surrogate and... - [sobbing]

Can I just ask why?

Uh, sweetie, it's show business.

It's nothing perso... it's not you.

[talking indistinctly while crying]

Eh...

Yeah, you see, that whole thing

was why we made our decision.

- Look, sweetie, I'm certain... - [inhales, exhales]

That your womb will make another celebrity couple

- very happy. - Yeah, other... other celebrity couples.

- Really? - Absolutely.

That's good stuff, right?

That's something to put your eggs in a basket for.

Okay.

You were great on the show, really.

- Thank you. - One of the best shows.

- Thank you so much. - Thank you for having me.

You know what? I just realized

where I know you from, and I'm sorry, but I'm a Miranda.

No apologies necessary.

Understood. Happens to a lot of people.

Do you mind taking that to the car?

- And I'll be right there. - Sure.

I'm sorry I brought up the kiss.

- Staci. Staci. - It was so wrong.

- Stop. - I...

I always remembered.

I never forgot.

And now... I have closure.

[rapidly departing footsteps]

One...

Singular sensation

Every little step she takes

Ba na na na na na

One [snaps fingers] Yeah!

Moment in pleasure

Every move that she makes

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