Original subtitles

So I really want to ask what's in the box, but, uh,

it'll ignite a whole Seven thing.

"What's in the box? What's in the box?"

"Repeat, John Doe has the upper hand."

I have got to see this movie.

You guys make it sound so hilarious.

Anyway, my former boss, Principal Foster,

survived a real dicey safari in Africa.

His takeaway was that material possessions mean nothing.

Including his collection

of super fancy, old-ass wine.

The lions came at night.

That put everything in perspective.

Everything, dawg.

Ooh.

Jess, thank you. This is perfect.

Cece and I are completely moved into Jaipur Aviv.

So tonight, we'll be doing it for the first time

on our first night in our first house.

And I'm going to Aly's tonight. Yeah.

Gonna be doing it for the 10,000th time

on our 1,000th night

in her... 100th apartment?

You think Aly's lived in 100 apartments?

I hadn't, I hadn't crunched the numbers on it.

So, Reagan's out of town till tomorrow.

What are you and Nick gonna do tonight?

What makes you assume I'm hanging out with Nick?

I'm sorry. What are you doing tonight?

(mumbles): Picking out clothes for Nick.

What? I can't hear you.

I'm helping Nick pick out an outfit.

I... we have to nail down his look for SOCALYALCON 6.

Wow, SOCALYALCON 6. Wow.

I can't believe it's been a whole year since the last

Southern California Young Adult Literature Conference.

NICK: You're a 12-year-old girl.

You spent $35 to meet me.

Is this what you want me to look like?

I got two questions: uh, where'd I get $35 from,

and also, can my name be Daphne?

Synced and corrected by Aaronnmb www.addic7ed.com

And I read that authors should all have a strong look,

so I found four authors with strong looks, and I combined them.

Tom Wolfe: white suit.

Hunter S. Thompson: yellow sunglasses.

David Foster Wallace: bandana.

Toni Morrison: The Presidential Medal of Freedom.

Here you go.

Well, that's perfect, Jess.

Well, it was easy. You have very few clothing items in your closet.

Also, are those your tax returns?

And why are you drying beef?

Because I don't have a file cabinet,

and because I couldn't eat all the meat in one night.

- Now... - That's gross.

- ... how do I look? - What you need is a navy blazer.

Do you have a navy blazer or just the pit boss special?

What kind of a man owns multiple blazers?

(snickering)

SCHMIDT: Ha! There's so many places for sex!

(moans)

(panting): All right.

That makes it official.

Houses are way better than apartments.

Now that we're out of closets, watch out laundry room.

- (chuckles) - (exhales)

- Know what that sound is? - Hmm?

That is the absence of Nick.

The lack of Winston.

(knocking on door)

- What was that? - Someone's hitting our house.

It sounded like, like, a, like, knocking.

Yeah, but the-the door is that way.

Oh, my God, I totally forgot.

We have a back door.

BOTH: Houses have a back door.

(laughs)

What kind of person comes to a back door?

- Jeremy. - On behalf of the neighborhood,

may I be the first to say, welcome, sir.

"A Guide to Your New Neighborhood by Jeremy."

- I didn't know you lived nearby. - I don't. But I will someday.

Just as I will do everything that you have done.

(grunts)

That's the tone that we talked about, Jeremy.

No, thank you.

I can't wait to have a servants' entrance.

- Let's not call it that. - Two points of entry.

Very well done, sir.

Cece, I just thought of another reason

why houses are better than apartments.

- Now we can enjoy two points of entry! - CECE: No, thanks!

I'm talking about the doors.

I-I didn't mean...

ALY: So a lion scares

Jess's old boss in Nigeria,

and we get so drunk we have sex on a dresser in America.

What a world.

- It's all connected, baby. - (chuckles)

And the broken dresser, that's my fault.

I'm all haunch.

- I'll buy you a new one. - You don't have to.

Because guess who has two dressers.

- Rip Torn. - No. Me.

I mean, you and Rip Torn.

Stop talking about Rip Torn.

- You have a backup dresser? - Yeah.

Just when I thought you couldn't get any more perfect.

It's in my...

ugh, my storage unit.

I-I'll get it tomorrow.

A dresser's pretty big; I could help you.

That's okay. I'll just get it tomorrow.

- I mean, my day is wide open... - I said no!

(quietly): Okay.

"A Guide to Your New Neighborhood by Jeremy"

is very comprehensive.

Yes, the fact that we're in between a raisin house

and a toothbrush house,

makes me feel very confident about Halloween.

Crime statistics?

We have crime?

Crime that warrants statistics?

Oh, my God. It says there were 14 home invasions last year.

Up six percent from 2015?

Okay, no, wait, wait, wait, wait.

W-we're just gonna get worked up about nothing.

Right? There are only two ways into this place,

the front door and the back door and we've locked them both.

- We're good, we're good. - We're good.

- Yeah, we're good. - Yeah, no. It's fine.

- Yeah. We're fine. - I just...

- Yeah. Okay. - Okay.

At the risk of sounding clich?,

should we have sex in the bedroom?

I think that's a great idea.

- (chuckles) - (clattering)

- (gasps, shrieks) - The hell was that?!

Are you the criminals?!

From the statistics?!

(Nick groaning)

- (shouts) - Oh, what are you doing?

I almost hit you with this brushed steel modern lamp.

- Really? - I am sorry we broke in,

but I'm also pretty impressed with us.

What kind of taco meat you bitches have?

(Nick and Jess laugh)

SCHMIDT: I told you, if we locked both the doors,

our guests would know...

to come in through the windows.

Our ground floor windows.

You see? What started out as snark

has become a real eye-opener.

What did you want us to do?

Ring the bell and wake you guys up?

Oh, no. Thank God you didn't wake us up.

See? I told you they'd be cool. Ask him.

You were right.

Schmidt, here's my question.

Apologies.

My author look is missing one thing...

Navy blue, medium weight, two button.

I know the blazer. Nick, listen to me.

If you ever, ever need a blazer,

I don't care how late it is,

till the day I die, you wake me up.

Thanks.

Okay.

We're gonna have a conversation.

- I am a little concerned. - I know.

What if the blazer doesn't fit?

No. About you and Nick.

And about how you're being his girlfriend.

- You mean being his good friend. - I mean being his girlfriend.

A good friend will maybe

drive someone to the mall in the daytime

so that they can buy a blazer.

They don't go on a giggly late night crime date

so that they can steal one.

That's girlfriend stuff.

You've been doing a lot of girlfriend stuff lately.

"Godfather of Soul, blank Brown." Five letters.

- Bubba. - Okay.

Wait, you want to know who wins in a fight

between Winston Bishop and Winston Churchill?

Hey, do you know what this book's about?

Bayou n-noir.

Uh, Pepperwood, he's a private investigator...

It's about a man who has nothing, who risks everything,

to feel something.

Thank you.

None of that's girlfriend stuff.

That's all good friend stuff.

Okay, let me, uh, toss out a hypothetical to you, okay?

Nick has a piece of lint

on his sleeve.

Do you go, "Hey, bud, you got some lint on your sleeve"?

Or do you pick it off?

- I don't see how that's relevant. - Yes, you do.

Because you are a rabid watcher of The Crown.

- I watch a lot of shows. - And so therefore, you know...

that picking lint off of a man's sleeve...

is the most intimate gesture.

I just leave it there.

A little piece of lint on his sleeve.

- I wouldn't do anything. - What would you just want to...

Fine! I'd want to pick it off with my bare hands!

Oh, my God.

I'm the girlfriend.

I'm so nervous for SOCALYALCON 6 that I lost my appetite.

But then I found my appetite, but now,

now that I found my appetite, nothing sounds good.

Mm, sounds like you're in a complicated way, my man.

You know what actually does sound good?

The cake you made on the Fourth of July.

- Would you make it again? - You want me to make a, uh,

an American flag sheet cake in March?

Yes. It'll be fun. We'll do it together.

- You get to wear this. - Okay.

My favorite apron.

You know what, no! No, I'm not doing this anymore.

Anymore? We've never made a cake together.

Wait, have we?

If we have, I don't remember. I drink.

No, not... no.

Not just this. All of it.

All the girlfriend stuff. It's not fair.

All right. Sorry.

I-I didn't know you felt that way.

No. (scoffs) I don't feel that way, I...

- But you said unfair. - Yeah, I did.

I said that 'cause I...

if... I feel it is unfair.

To Reagan.

She's your girlfriend, I'm your good friend.

She, you know, she should...

she should get to make you sheet cake.

Yeah, that makes sense.

I just need to make something clear between us.

If that's okay.

You're saying "sheet" like "ghost clothes,"

not like "in a toilet," right?

Whoa.

I taught English in Japan for a couple years after college and...

I fell in with a bad crowd.

It was a time in my life I'm not proud of.

I fell in with...

with a Japanese game show crowd.

(speaking Japanese)

Which one?

- (speaking Japanese) - This one?

This one or this one?

- I don't understand you! - (crowd chanting in Japanese)

Okay.

(bell dinging, crowd cheering)

(announcer speaking Japanese)

(shouting in Japanese)

Oh, my God, I did it!

I did it!

I did it!

(yells)

I did it!

I was a ten-time top master champion

on Protocol of Best Enjoyment.

- These are the spoils. - Question...

is that hippo rideable?

(whoops, laughs)

(whoops)

Those day laborers were right.

This stuff is awesome.

Why was I so embarrassed for you to see it?

If this is your deep, dark, embarrassing secret,

then I am worried for you to see

what's buried in my storage unit.

I feel like I'm pretty up-to-date on your embarrassing secrets.

Oh, honey.

I have chapters in my life you know nothing about.

- Wait, really? - Here we go.

I once sold knives door-to-door in high school.

And... Byron Allen knocked me out.

Yeah, that was, like, the first thing you told me when we met.

Oh, yeah. (laughs)

I do use that as an icebreaker, I forgot.

Well, here's one from deep in the storage unit.

Way in the back.

I once got my foot stuck in a go-kart.

- And I had to... - ... Hop six laps alongside of it.

I've been kicked out of multiple focus groups for...

for crying too much.

That happened yesterday, and I was with you.

I fell asleep in study hall.

Had a very loud sex dream.

That happened to my family member,

and I relayed the story to you.

- I fell asleep in a bathtub. - Knew that.

And I once dislocated my thumb getting off a couch.

Okay, you got five more minutes on that hippo,

and then we switch.

JESS: (groans) What was wrong with me?

Well... (chuckles) nothing in this picture.

Hello, gorgeous.

Crop and keep.

(music playing nearby)

Reagan!

Hi.

How do you get off a plane and still look dewy as hell?

Uh, I made a deal with the devil some time ago.

(laughs)

- Hey, I'm the blue words. - Too late. We're going with it.

I picked you out...

Well, welcome back! Sorry. (chuckles)

I don't know why I'm still shouting.

Um, so Nick told me

about what's been going on with you two.

Oh, he did?

- Listen, Reagan... - No, you listen to me.

The next time I find out that my man

has been coming to you for cake...

I'm gonna take you out...

to dinner...

- to say thank you. - (chuckles)

Because I hate baking.

(both chuckle)

Speaking of dinner, why wait? Why don't we do that tonight?

About Nick, um...

Jess, you don't have to change your relationship

with Nick because of me.

I'm not a jealous person.

But thank you for thinking of me. That's very nice.

You're a really good friend.

And that is why... I got you this gift.

Oh, expensive jewelry. (chuckles nervously)

Classic friend gift.

Thank you, friend.

But I don't have anything for you.

Except this nice wink.

And here it comes.

And bam. (chuckles)

Oh, you're really tense.

Yeah, you don't have to do that.

My-my tension's what drives me.

- Oh, no, I want to. - Mm-hmm.

I don't have a lot of friends that are girls.

- Mm. - Oh, my God,

I think you're my first girlfriend.

I'm sure you're missing someone,

like, from high school or college.

Somebody? A cousin?

WINSTON: That much is true...

SCHMIDT: All 22 points of entry locked.

- Good night, babe. - Good night.

- Mm. - Exhausted.

I know. I feel so safe.

- So, here's the thing. - (screams)

- Devil woman! - How are you doing that?

I just had a four-hour dinner with Reagan.

At which, we shared something called "The Lovers' Pork."

Cece, it's getting worse.

I'm both their girlfriends.

How did you get in here, Jess?

- Through the doggy door. - There's a doggy door?

Well, it's flush with the people door, and it's painted shut,

so I really had to put my head into it.

God, I don't want to be both their girlfriends.

Why do they both need me so much all of a sudden?

BOTH: All of a sudden?!

This is why you should tell Nick how you feel.

Even if nothing comes of it.

She came here to see you.

I bet you're reading into it.

What if I go talk to her?

So I fly you down,

- you are my gift to Nick. - I'm in.

Have you talked to Reagan about this?

I bet she'd be awesome to talk to.

Just tell him you believe in him and that he can do it.

Just go talk to Reagan.

So, work it out.

You know who you should talk to about this,

because he could answer all your questions, is Nick.

- No. No. - Nick!

(gasps) Oh, my God.

It's not all of a sudden.

- They've needed me all along. - SCHMIDT and CECE: Yeah.

- Am I the only reason they're together? - SCHMIDT and CECE: Yeah.

Am I the architect of my own nightmare?

Okay, no, no, no, no, honey.

It's not like you introduced them or something.

Well, they did just get together

because she left for jury duty.

I've pushed those two together like a god on Mount Olympus,

too cheap to pay for porn.

No, no, no, it's like their relationship is a flood

that's about to happen and you're the little Dutch boy

with your thumb in the dike.

JESS: Well, no more.

I'm taking my thumb out of them.

(groans)

Is there anything other than

Dutch boys or... god porn?

I know, pandas. I'm a zookeeper.

- They are my panda. - What?

- What? - Pandas wouldn't be alive

without humans.

They can't run, they can't growl,

they can't even mate without us.

Have you been helping Nick and Reagan mate?

In a way, yes.

But I'm done.

This zookeeper is through handing out bamboo.

Reagan and Nick deserve

a chance to see if they can survive on their own.

Yes, and the zookeeper deserves a chance to...

be on a late night show with hilarious animals

that...

poop on the... host's...

- I don't... what am I saying anymore? - I don't know.

I don't even know.

Look, honey, you...

you deserve the right...

to do what's best for you.

Well... (sighs)

that, too.

I saw a lizard once,

uh, making diarrhea on Johnny Carson.

(Winston and Aly laughing)

TRAMPOLINE: You are number one supreme jumper!

Okay, I have, like, a million questions

about what's going on here, but...

TRAMPOLINE: You are bouncer of much success!

- Yeah, we are! - (grunts)

Could you guys stick around for a little bit?

- 'Cause I don't... - TRAMPOLINE: You soar higher

- than osprey and crane! - Yes!

I don't want to be alone with Nick and Reagan.

TRAMPOLINE: You are gravity's master!

He weeps at your feet.

Okay, sure, Jess.

We don't have to be at the station till... till, uh...

ALY: This just says we're ten days from a full moon.

Yeah, it's weird, I can't get mine out of scuba mode.

- I don't know how to read this. - It's 11:45.

- What?! - What? Oh, no, no, no, no. Come on.

TRAMPOLINE: Farewell, emperors of trampoline.

Look, sorry, Jess,

but we got to be at the station in less than 15 minutes.

Oh! I just figured out something that you definitely do not know.

I blew my nose once and a bug came out.

We were all there when that happened.

That was at my birthday brunch.

Hey, Jess!

Oh, hey, guys. I can't talk;

I have so much paper to fold.

REAGAN: Well, you better get it all folded tonight,

because guess where you are being whisked away to tomorrow.

(chuckles) Palm Springs, California,

where the only thing hotter than the weather

are the gay senior citizens

and SOCALYALCON 6.

Jess, we've been talking about

how much we appreciate your friendship

and how close we both feel to you, right?

- Yeah, that's right. - Well, I, too, have, um,

- felt that closeness, and, um... - That's why we got you this.

Oh, no.

- That is for you now. - No.

This and a necklace? (chuckles)

Neck, neck, neck, neck, na-neck, neck, neck

Neck's all loaded up.

Uh, but seriously, I can't accept this.

It's-it's too, um, expensive.

Money is no object.

That's why we rented a custom van,

- and even got space radio. - Satellite radio.

No, space radio,

the one that connects to everything in the air.

- There's a satellite. - What, the satellite's in the ground?

No, the satellite is in the air.

- Right. Space. Yeah. - In the air.

Satellite radio.

And don't you worry about accommodations,

because we also took care of that.

You got your very own hotel room.

It's adjacent to ours, but it's very private.

I mean, it is called a peekaboo suite,

so there might be a little bit of crossover.

NICK: It's everything you like:

it-it's kids, it's reading.

You are gonna get so many free bookmarks.

Do I get a per diem?

Yeah. What's that?

- All right, doggy door. - Sealed.

- Attic. - Padlocked.

- Crawlspace. - Uncrawlable.

The cast of Sneakers couldn't get into this place.

Uh...

Well, I guess I'm going to Palm Springs.

I just need your big-ass hat.

The front door.

Bye.

25 points of entry is too many points of entry!

- (door closes) - How? How?!

Wait, wait, don't tell me.

Agent Isosceles, part geometry prodigy,

part CIA spy, all scared of girls.

- Wrong. Cadet Isosceles. - Oh.

It's all right. You know, it's just, technically,

this is just for myself...

(voice fading)

Wait.

Do you remember when you had to smuggle the golden sextant

out of the Paris Math Academy?

- I do. - I have a mission for you...

that is even more sensitive.

(grunting)

- Son of a... - All right, this is the last of it.

Whew! Are you sure we have to do this?

Babe, we're police officers who almost missed a shift

because we were busy bouncing.

You're right.

Our capacity for joy is just way too high.

Okay, so I have one last secret.

So cute that you keep calling them secrets.

Just hear me out.

Um, I've lied to every girl I said "I love you" to.

I mean, I thought I loved them, but then...

I met you and realized...

I've never been in love before.

I did not know that.

Yeah, it was eating me up inside,

so I called them each individually and said,

"I never loved you."

Okay. Seems unnecessary.

One of them took it very badly.

Oh, one of them took it badly?

I mean, she's okay now. Well, sort... kinda.

She lives at the top of a very tall tree.

Maybe, like, run stuff like that by me.

Okay, let me just sign this right here. Here you go.

My associate asked me to give this to one of you.

She had to go.

The rest is in the note.

Uh, it says, "I had to go. Jess."

Did she say any...

What's this book about?

Uh, it's... I mean, it's...

it's hard to exp... Reagan?

- Uh... - Reagan, what is it...

Just tell her what it's about.

He wrote this book.

It's about a man with nothing,

risking everything to feel something.

I'll take it. Can you sign it?

"Kill yourself." (chuckles)

It's a joke.

It's a reference to...

You'll get it. (chuckles)

Hey, so how's SOCALYCAL... SOCALYALCON 6?

JESS: I don't know. I'm at the airport.

- What? Where are you going? - I don't know.

- How long you gonna be gone for? - I don't know.

- What's two plus two? - Four. I'm listening to your questions,

I just don't know the answer to them.

I mean, this isn't like you; you always say

if you had to choose between planning a trip

or taking a trip, you'd choose planning.

And I stand by that.

I just, I really need a change of scenery.

I'm probably just gonna hang with my dad in Portland.

I did what you said.

I did what was right for me today.

I just don't know what's right for me tomorrow.

I do know that the prices of the tickets

are not going down while we yap.

So I got to go. I love you. Bye.

- (ringtone playing) - Oh, Cece, I'm fine...

I don't know why you disappeared, Jess,

but you know what, I'm sure you'll fill me in back at the hotel.

Also, when I sign a book "Kill yourself,"

you think they know that's a reference

to Pepperwood's dilemma at the fish market, right?

Actually, you know what, that's a question for Reagan.

Okay, sorry.

See you later, Jess.

Cece, come check this out.

(locks clicking)

What?

Did that, did that just lock everything?

One touch secures every point of entry in the entire house,

bringing us convenience and real-time peace of mind.

Okay, can I unlock it?

Well, unlocking it requires a pass code.

Ours is "my beautiful Cece," all one word.

- Very sweet. - (phone chimes)

Oh, shoot. Actually, I screwed up.

Um, it's "my beautiful, beautiful Cece."

- Two "beautifuls." - Okay.

(phone chimes)

(clears throat)

Oh, you know what, I know what it is.

Great, just put it in. I'm freezing.

I can't. It only gives you three tries,

then it locks you out of the app for 12 hours.

- For 12 hours?! - It's fine. We'll go analog.

Give me your key.

Uh, I'd love to, but it's on the counter,

next to yours.

It's gonna be fine. Don't worry about a thing.

I promise you, we'll figure this out.

- Override. - (phone chimes)

- My beautiful, beautiful Cece. - (phone chimes)

- Override. Override. - Oh, God.

(coughing)

- Were you in the chimney? - (hacks) Yes.

The 26th point of entry.

- (coughing) - Oh, my God.

Also, we have squirrels.

Aw, I love squirrels.

They're not alive.

I counted...

at least nine of 'em.

- Oh, my God. Cece - (knocking)

My beautiful, beautiful Cece!

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