Original subtitles

To Cece,

for booking her first client's first modeling gig.

ALL: Hey!

- ROBBY: Cheers. - And to Winston

for making Donovan the face of LAPD's recruitment campaign.

I just hope he doesn't look better in blue than I do.

- Wink. - Oh, he definitely will. He's a model.

(clears throat) So in honor of this occasion,

we all got you gifts for your home office.

You may know it by its former name,

the dining room table.

Me first. A cubicle,

- swinging balls, - Mm.

an outgoing mailbox,

a cartoon that is very derogatory towards Mondays.

- So thoughtful, babe. - Will that mailbox be functional?

If it wasn't, it would just be a box, wouldn't it?

So can I buy a stamp for this letter?

It's not a post office, man.

- Who else has a gift? - Whoo! Bull button.

You press that, guaranteed crowd pleaser.

- BUTTON: Bull! - Ooh!

(laughter)

I got something better.

Noise-canceling headphones.

Thank you. Wow.

- Yeah, are those mine? - Yes.

- They're broken. - Oh, nothing is ever truly broken.

All right, well, I got you a filing cabinet

to file all the headshots of your clients.

FYI, Ferguson's in one of those drawers making fluffies.

"Fluffies" is cat farts.

- Bull! - (laughter)

Synced and corrected by Aaronnmb www.addic7ed.com

Do you have a stamp for this letter?

Is that a bill from when you were in the hospital?

Oh, this? Yeah, it is.

Turns out they, uh, they charge for new knees.

- (Robby chuckles, Jess scoffs) - I feel so bad.

I should pay that.

- What? Why? - Seriously?

(yelling and grunting)

(crack, Robby yelling)

Oh my God, your bad knee! Oh, my God!

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

But wait a second, why do you want to pay?

I turned your knee into a bag of marbles.

I should pay your medical bill.

This is my only bill, and it's just a baby bill.

You know, it's so small and cute, like my nephew Baby Bill.

- Give me that baby. - I feel bad, but okay.

Wait, how did you...

- (gasps) - I studied pickpocketing

when I played the Artful Dodger

in my college production of Oliver!

Oh, wow, that's so cool.

- Oh, wait, so did I. - What...

Ow, Winston,

straighten your arms when you eat.

You don't think I want to?

- Ain't no room, fam. - Straighten your arms, fam.

- Then how am I gonna reach my food? - Oh.

Okay, I'm sorry, the cubicle will be gone soon,

but this is a real make-or-break moment for me.

Either I'll look back at this as my

"Steve Jobs in the garage" phase,

or that misguided month where I tried to be a manager

at the dining room table.

You are absolutely Jobs.

And I'm Woz sitting next to you the whole time in a...

- slightly lower chair. - (chuckles)

And speaking of jobs, by the way,

you guys need to be like Winston

and start getting jobs for Donovan.

Don't you basically work on ads for a living, Schmidt?

Yeah, well, my current account is for a menopause pill

that eliminates night sweats.

Oh, you're repping EstroFuel?

Yes. Chest bump.

NICK: You know, maybe I could use Donovan

for the cover of The Pepperwood Chronicles.

I mean, he wouldn't be Pepperwood but...

- Gator! - Oh, Gator!

- It's perfect. - (laughter)

- He could be a great Gator. - Why don't you just use a real gator?

SCHMIDT: What?

Gator is Pepperwood's best friend...

- and clairvoyant brother. - Mm.

Oh, my bad. Sorry, I haven't read it yet.

- What? - WINSTON: What?

- Doesn't matter. - Clear the next 24 hours.

- You haven't read it? - It's really not that big of a deal.

I also don't have an extra hard copy so let's just talk about something else.

- Ooh, you can take mine. - (sighs)

I've highlighted the more sexual parts.

I'm not ashamed.

- Great. - Great.

Now you get to read it.

Now I get to read it.

Robby's hospital bill is only $400.

- That seem low to you? - Did he have a minor procedure?

No, he had what the doctors call "a full Frankenstein."

- They put dog bones in his knee. - Then that's way off.

It's got to be much higher.

Do you think he thinks I can't afford the full amount?

(all agreeing)

What? Teachers have money.

You guys know how large I live. I'm flush with cash.

I'm paying that bill.

I'm going to the bank right now.

I'm probably gonna take a limousine.

Taking a limo to the bank. What is she, a cartoon cat?

(both laugh)

- He kills it every time. - Every time, man.

I'm sorry we got in a fight.

- I feel close again. - I'm not.

Okay, Donovan, you just caught a shoplifter

and now you're celebrating with a street taco.

That's exactly it!

- Get him, Donovan. - I love this.

- Get him, Cece. - Yeah, okay.

Donovan, you're a natural cop.

Hey, what agency are you from? 2L?

Oh, um, hmm,

I'm... from an agency that is

- uh, quite, um... but... - Cece's Boys.

Cece's Boys, where the men are boys,

and the-and the boys are Cece's.

- All right. - You like it?

I love it.

You're going downtown!

CECE: Anything you say, Officer.

(playing complicated melody)

Oh, hi, Jess.

- That was really good. - Just laying down a stanky B line.

Cool, cool. Hey, um,

I feel like Baby Bill here

has a lot of brothers and sisters.

So what's the real total?

No, Jess, that's it, I swear.

Come on, Robby, $400?

I know what's going on here.

You think I'm too poor to pay.

- I... - But you know what?

Would a poor person...

do this?

How much is it? How much?

Jess, I'm not gonna tell you, okay?

Unless you ask me repeatedly,

in which case I'll eventually crack. Damn it.

- What's the total? - Uh.. no.

- What's the total? - No.

- What's the total? - Not gonna tell you.

(repeating quickly): What's the total?

$200,000.

(plays Seinfeld opening theme)

Seinfeld.

Moment of truth.

Yep, here it is.

So please don't feel any pressure to like it,

even though I spent 7,000 hours writing it.

So without further ado, or as Pepperwood would say,

"Ah-don't." (chuckles)

You'll get that when you read it.

Here it is.

Here it is.

I cannot wait to read this.

I cannot wait to R-E-A...

- Jess! - Jess!

Hey, there she is.

Oh, me, hey.

(chuckles)

Sorry to interrupt. Are you re-reading The Pepperwood Chronicles?

It is actually my very first time.

- A TPC virgin. - Yeah.

"Ah-don't..." believe it. (chuckles)

- I'll get out of your hair. - No, no, no, stay.

No, what is all that stuff in your hands?

I'm totaling my assets.

It's really bleak.

You can't say that and then not elaborate, right?

No, I feel like we should really unpack this.

- Really? - Definitely.

Thanks, guys.

Well, Robby's medical bills are a fifth of a million dollars

and I'm freaking out.

I almost rounded up all my ballet flats

and sold them on flattyflattyboomboom.com,

the premier website for used flats.

Well, there are other options. There are other options.

Um, as somebody who passed the bar exam eight years ago,

I could offer you legal expertise.

I could read the medical paperwork.

Oh! An almost lawyer and a sort of doctor.

Lucky me. Okay.

Strategy sesh in the cubicle.

I'll meet you guys there.

Or we can go... all go together if you want.

- Together. - Yeah.

- Yeah, let's go together. - Great.

I rewrote the EstroFuel ad to star a hunk,

and I got Donovan the gig.

- (Cece laughs) - WINSTON: Whoo!

- Hey, everybody, - Yes!

I just want to let you know, I've thought about it,

and I'm quitting modeling

to focus on applying to police school.

Honey, that is a very radical career change, okay?

That's why I like it. I can't be tied down.

Picture this:

your mom has night sweats.

She needs relief.

Luckily, she has a handsome son

to go pick up her supplements,

because menopause isn't just about women anymore.

EstroFuel:

putting the men back in menopause.

Starring Donovan.

- Wow. - (whooping)

That's... wow, what an opportunity.

But I'm becoming a cop.

No. No!

You are the face of EstroFuel.

- The shoot is tonight. - Oh, my God, it's tonight?

And I told my boss that Cece's Boys would be there.

- You told your boss... - Thank you, I'll see you there.

Winston, you ready for the tour?

- Hmm? - The what?

Huh? Yea... (chuckles)

Here's what happened, let me explain this.

Um, I offered Don a tour of the precinct,

he accepted, and now it's happening.

(sighs)

- Okay, Winston? Winston! - Yeah?

You better make sure that this is the worst tour

that you've ever given anyone in your life.

And that's gonna be tough.

I've given some really bad tours.

(sighs)

NICK: Okay, does this rendering represent

the incident in question?

There was way more blood.

Wait, come on, it was not this violent.

It was way worse. Grown men fainted.

Jess, I found something.

The hospital billed Robby for

the Larry King Preemptive Memorial Post-Op Recovery Suite.

That's obviously a mistake.

Uh, that's not a mistake, actually.

I needed a private room

because a lot of times in my dreams,

I'm thinking about concerts that I really enjoy going to,

so it's just a lot of me clapping and singing along.

(sighs)

I can't afford this.

Well, you don't have to, just let me pay.

No, you don't pay. I pay!

What if no one pays?

From my drawing, I don't see any signage.

Do you see any signage? So here's my question.

Do you remember seeing

any safety signs near the machine?

- This is important. - There was just a poster saying that

they were closed on Veteran's Day.

That's what I wanted to hear.

Folks, we got a lawsuit. (chuckling)

- Good job. - Great.

Seriously, guys, just let me pay this.

Say that one more time.

Say that you're gonna pay one more time and see what happens.

Wow, okay.

You know what usually calms me down?

- A good mall walk. - No, we're suing the gym.

Nick, take it away.

Well, I would love to, but legally,

I can't practice law.

Yeah, I have a really good lawyer, she's an animal.

So you're on board now?

- Yeah, I just go with the flow. - (phone beeps)

I'm gonna call my gal.

- We need the office. - JESS: What's wrong?

Yeah, so, Schmidt booked Donovan a photo shoot at Ass Strat,

but Donovan just quit modeling

so that he could become a cop.

- (phone ringing) - A cop?

It's my boss, Kim.

(sighing): God, I hate her.

Hello, Kimberly. You sound like your skin looks amazing.

All right, Reagan, you can get to reading.

We can stick around if you want us to.

- I don't think it's necessary. - You need us?

- We'll stick around for you. - I don't think so.

NICK: Yeah, we'll stick around.

- Winston! - Winston!

Me!

Did you make police work look as boring as possible?

I want so badly to tell you yes,

but there was a situation.

Protect and serve, more like protect and snooze.

(sighing): Yeah, this is boring.

Bishop,

a word.

And the word is...

"moo."

ALL: Moo!

Shut up! I-I'm the C.O.W.?

I'm the... I'm the cop of the week?

ALL: Celebrate good times

Moo moo

Celebrate good times

Moo moo

I'm home!

Well, congratulations, Winston,

on finally making C.O.W.

And damn you!

Cece, we're gonna have go put out a menopause fire.

- CECE: Let's go! - I made C.O.W., though.

I made C.O.W., we ain't forgetting about all that.

ROBBY: Okay, so, my lawyer says I don't have a case

against the gym because I signed a waiver.

A waiver? Jess, you did not say anything about a waiver.

Was that it?

She didn't advise me on anything else.

Okay. (chuckles)

No one says the word "advise"

unless they got advice, so what did she advise?

Uh... oh, no.

- What did she advise? - She didn't... it just wasn't...

- What did she advise? - It didn't...

Come on, what did she advise?

- She advised that I sue! - I knew it! Who?

You.

Me?

- Nick, can I read your book? - I was just about to suggest it.

- NICK: Let's get out of here. - Schmidt and Cece need me.

- Whoa! God, what's that smell? - (coughs)

I'm not gonna sue you, Jess. Was that not clear?

I told my lawyer that you're just an innocent bystander.

Okay? So, if we can, uh, hit the mall?

I mean, there is a big sale at this Japanese cereal store.

It sounds amazing.

You really think I was an innocent bystander, do you?

- Is that bad? - Yeah.

I'm just saying that I don't really think

that you, uh, ever do anything wrong.

- (laughs) Anything? Ever? - Oh, we're starting to get into this.

Look... I know a great place where we can hash this over.

It's a place called Hash It Over.

It's in the food court at the mall, it's a hash brown...

We're not going to the mall.

- Why are you watching... - Why am I watching you?

Why are you?

- I'm not anymore. - Okay.

Weird to watch.

That's why I'm not gonna do it.

- Great. - Bye.

I thought this was about a bill, but apparently,

it's about our whole relationship.

How could I date someone who doesn't see me realistically?

- No, but, Jess... - I mess stuff up all the time.

Ask Nick. He knows.

Nick, do I mess things up?

You know it, baby. Bye!

I promised I wouldn't come back,

but it is a little uncomfortable out there.

- (low snoring) - (sighs)

Jess, I know that you have flaws.

- Okay, name one. - (chuckles)

Uh... (clears throat) Easy.

You walk too fast through a museum.

Although, it is pretty good, because we get to see everything

and then we have time for the cafe afterwards.

I'm gonna say that overall it enriches the experience.

That is just a compliment!

I will be in the cubicle drinking myself numb.

- Please, keep fighting. - Appreciate it.

KIM: I am paying a top-notch photographer

to sit around and bitch about how hard it is

to find French cigarettes in Los Angeles.

- Where's the model? - Changing.

Yeah, um, uh, Donovan, are you almost ready?

WINSTON: I am changing.

I am Donovan.

What agency did you use again?

Cece's Boys.

Look... Cece herself showed up. She's very hands-on.

That's your wife. I've met her many times.

Schmidt, if this falls through...

Look, my client will be here,

and if for some reason he's not, that is on me and only me.

I'm gonna go shout into a toilet.

Okay, well, what are we gonna do now?

Babe, we are not gonna do anything, okay?

You have done so much for me,

more than any normal person, and I love you.

But if I am gonna graduate from the dining room table,

I need to learn how to manage my clients on my own.

(sighs) Okay.

Oh, man, that was intense.

Uh, also, Schmidt, I printed something... do you know where it went?

- Not now. - Okay.

Okay, it's voice mail.

Donovan...

I know that you don't want to be tied down, okay?

But that's why being a model is...

perfect for you.

Because if you're a cop,

then you're just gonna be a cop.

But if you're a model, then you can be everyone.

You can be an ice cream man, a rocketeer, a jewel thief,

or an underwear guy in a 10 million dollar loft

whose only furniture is a telescope.

So, help me...

help you...

become the everyone that you can be!

- That's how you do it! - That was awesome!

- Yes! (chuckles) - Right?

That was amazing.

It felt good.

- You think it worked? - Couldn't tell you.

ROBBY: I know you're capable of messing up.

Really? Because you won't even admit

that the gym thing is my fault.

Your lawyer wants you to sue me,

and frankly, I agree with her.

- So sue me. - I am not gonna sue you.

Then how can I ever trust you?

That doesn't make any sense.

You know what? If you're not gonna sue me,

- then get out of here. - Fine.

But I will tell you this:

you will not be hearing from my lawyer.

- Bye, Nick. - NICK: See you, Robby.

I forgot you were there.

Reagan was right.

These noise-canceling headphones are really broken.

I could hear everything.

God, why are tiny rakes so soothing?

You know, I think I'm finally starting to understand momentum.

Which, apparently, my book does not have.

Nick, everyone loves it.

Robby wrote fan fiction for it.

- He wrote fan fiction? - (softly): Yeah.

- That means the world to me. - He loves it so much.

Don't take this the wrong way about Robby, but...

he is way too good for you.

- (laughs) - He's way too good for everybody.

I know.

What is wrong with me?

(sighs heavily)

Oh...

Any insight, ex to ex?

Of what's wrong with you?

- Oh, this feels like a trap. - (laughs)

Well, you know, maybe when things are going good,

you get scared and you look for reasons to doubt it.

Yeah.

Is that what happened with us?

I mean, I can't begin to understand what happened with us,

but maybe.

So, what are you gonna do about Reagan?

I don't know. Her opinion means a lot to me, so...

Well, I think that's good you're letting yourself be vulnerable.

Was I not that with you?

Who knows what happened with us?

We were just kids. Like...

you had a box, and I wanted you to get a bank account.

- Well, they're kind of the same thing. - Well...

You wanted to live on a lake; I wanted to live on Mars.

You wanted to be a truck driver on Mars,

- which is impractical. - Well, I need to work. I need to work.

- I don't want to fight with you. - Let's not fight.

Let's not get into the details again.

Look, to getting older and wiser.

And hopefully, a little bit better.

- Cheers. - Cheers.

All right, time to face the music.

(softly): Yeah.

Relationships are so hard.

I know.

(sighs)

But we can't stay in here forever, can we?

No, we can't.

No, we can't.

Okay.

(groans)

I'm taking the gin with me, though.

Alcohol is kind of a cubicle for the insides.

Nick, you're like a...

drunk Maya Angelou.

Not the first time I heard that.

CECE: No, I don't want to buy your weed.

Yes, I understand how primo it is.

Well, Donovan's mom is a dead end.

Ooh, hey, Kim. Look, it's Donovan.

(faintly): Hey.

That's Winston. I know these people, Schmidt.

I've met them, and their pictures are everywhere.

Why is everyone standing around?

- Yes! - Donovan!

Sorry, Winston, I can't be a cop.

My manager convinced me to be a model.

Welcome to Cece's Boys, Donovan.

Oh, yes.

Kim is happy.

(both chuckle)

- Hey. - Hi.

Cool windbreaker.

- Is that new? - Yeah.

I just went to the mall; I did a little retail therapy.

Yeah.

Look, I'm really sorry about today.

I shouldn't be looking for things to go wrong.

It's just... a thing that I do.

I'm sorry, too.

I mean, sometimes I act more like a...

superfan than a boyfriend.

And I don't want to do that with you.

I don't want to do my thing, either.

It's going really well.

Especially considering it started

with you dropping 175 pounds of iron on my face.

So you admit it's my fault!

Okay, I'll admit that... it's half your fault.

I mean, look, I could have yelled out and said "stop" or something, but...

I wanted you to kiss me.

And hey,

I'm paying that medical bill, okay?

Because... I'm rich.

Okay, fine. But I am knitting you

$200,000 worth of scarves.

- Final offer. - (laughs)

Deal.

Now stand still... I'm coming in for the romantic gesture.

Oh!

JESS: Are you wearing perfume?

- I hugged a limo driver. - (Jess laughs)

- Oh, my God! Nick! - Geez.

(laughing): Oh, my God.

Oh... uh...

I, uh...

Fell asleep on my book.

It's okay.

Agatha Christie's husband, David...

notoriously hated her writing.

Hated it.

But they had other things, you know?

They had surfing, dogs...

they... they rescued a lot of dogs...

had electric sex...

I'm afraid I'm not gonna like your book.

Thank you for stopping me...

I don't even know what I was talking about.

I don't know anything about Agatha Christie.

Honestly, I've never really liked fiction.

It puts me to sleep.

Okay.

That helps, to know that.

Why didn't you just say that before?

I was embarrassed,

and I didn't want you to think

that I'm not excited to read your book, because I am.

I am excited.

So... you're excited to read my book,

you just might fall asleep when you read it,

but it's not personal.

Yes.

(laughing): Okay.

- It's a lot of pages. - It is, yeah.

Would it help if I read some of it out loud?

Just so you get the New Orleans flavor?

I think it will.

(Cajun accent): "Julius Pepperwood loved three things in his life...

"his gumbo...

"his sex...

"and more of that sweet gumbo.

(chuckles)

"Her legs were as long as the deep..."

You have got to be kidding me!

Just kidding.

(laughs)

(Cece groans)

What's wrong with the house again?

Well, I'm just worried about this one room.

- Mm-hmm. - It feels like it's becoming...

your home office.

(gasps, laughs)

Oh, my God.

I can't believe that you did this!

It's...

It's so amazing.

- Look at that. EstroFuel. - And a...

framed, shirtless picture of you.

Well... I'm the original Cece's boy.

OGCB fo' life.

I love it so much, babe. I love it so much,

I can't wait to start working here.

And I'm gonna start working here right now.

This very second while there are no distractions.

N-no d... no distractions.

It's perfect. Thank you. Total silence.

It's incredible. What a sanctuary.

Complete silence. You got it.

I love you. Have fun.

You... No distractions.

Abort. Abort. Abort.

But Robby wrote a Cece's Boys theme song for the band.

- CECE: Schmidt? - Scatter! Scatter! Go, go!

Los Cece's Boys.

Synced and corrected by Aaronnmb www.addic7ed.com

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0