Original subtitles

Game time, folks. Hands up, pants up.

Reagan is moving in today and I don't want her thinking

that we're making a big fuss about it.

Hey, Schmidty, what are you doing, bud?

I'm opening up a subtle Montepulciano.

It's a welcoming wine.

Put out nothing! Be cool.

- [groans] - Winston,

when she gets here, act casually.

Pretend like you didn't even know she was coming.

[dramatic]: As I live and breathe,

Raisin?!

- Ah, did I say, "Raisin"? - Yeah.

Too weird. Go practice in your room.

- I'm very mad at you. Go. - What is happening?

- It needs to look messier. - Hi.

- It needs to look messy. - You are having a...

... straight up anxiety attack right now.

Nick, Nick, calm down.

You guys lived together in New Orleans.

If the old girl didn't like the dinner,

she wouldn't come back for seconds.

New Orleans was temporary. Okay?

Reagan has never stayed in one place too long.

If she thinks we're making a big deal,

she's gonna feel smothered.

Okay? So you've got to do the opposite.

It's not a big deal.

That's why I didn't pick her up from the airport.

You didn't pick her up from the airport?

Didn't this woman change her whole job

so she can move here to be with you?

She is gonna be pissed.

Uh, no.

No.

[whispering]: Yes, she is.

No, you're wrong. She's gonna be relieved.

Pissed.

No, she isn't. You're wrong.

- Reagan hates, - No.

hates this kind of stuff.

In New Orleans, once while she was sleeping,

I tried to cover her with a blanket to be sweet

and she basically choked me out.

I understand that.

- What's in the bag, Jess? - [chuckles]

These are old lady caramels,

just a little thing that Reagan and I have.

You and Reagan have things?

I didn't even know you guys were in touch.

Yeah, we text. You know.

We also send each other pictures

of bears wearing backpacks and other humorous exchanges.

- What? - How about we all relax,

with a nice cheese plate? Look at that halloumi.

- Love halloumi. - What?

No, no, no, no no, no, no. Too late. You're banned.

Go to Winston's room right now.

- Reagan! - Hi.

- Hey. - Oh, Reagan, it's good to see you.

- You made it. - Hey.

- Uh, two duffel bags, that's all? - Yeah, well, I travel light...

which is lucky for me,

because the only way I could get here from the airport

was to split a cab with a lady

who was eating a sub from the middle.

JESS: Ha-ha!

[in old woman voice]: Caramel?

Well, I can't eat these yet 'cause I don't have my teeth in.

JESS [in old woman voice]: It reminds me of a cardboard tea set

I had during the war.

What am I looking at?

We had to save all the metal for the boys.

- [chuckles] - Well, look who it is.

Raisin.

I said, "Raisin" again, didn't I?

Synced and corrected by Aaronnmb www.addic7ed.com

Hey, Jess.

How are you doing with everything?

You know, Nick, Reagan, living across the hall.

Totally fine. I didn't hear a thing.

I took every precaution.

NICK [muffled]: Oh, Reagan.

- [Reagan giggling] - [fan whirring]

NICK [muffled]: Okay, now.

[vacuum whirring]

That was a good call. They sounded like two Germans

- having a sponge fight. - Aah, aah...

That's how I was. It was disgusting.

- Gross. - How are you doing otherwise?

I mean, sure, my feelings for Nick are complicated,

but I have a boyfriend.

He has a girlfriend,

who I have mad inside jokes with.

Everything's gonna be fine

as long as I stay out of their stuff.

Hmm.

It's a little weird he didn't pick her up from the airport, though, right?

That's an example of the stuff that I'd like to stay out of.

Hmm.

Oh.

- You've been practicing. - Ow.

- [groans] - Yes.

Hello, normals.

- Hey. - I just got back

from the chair district

where I found the perfect

sitting piece for our home.

It's an original Haberman.

Hmm.

[chuckles]

It's a Haberman.

- It's a Haberman. - It's not helping...

you to repeat it over and over again.

A print ad for it features a quote from David Strathairn.

- [under breath]: Str... - What do you got to say now?

- [jukebox skipping] - Ugh.

Well, there goes the jukebox.

It's been on the fritz for weeks.

- I know. - Whoa. Hold on, now.

It might have some life left in it,

thanks to Dr. The Fonz.

Heyyy...

[Winston laughs]

Check me out.

[glass shatters]

- What the hell? - Winston!

Ooh!

That's the least Fonzie move ever.

It was borderline Chachi.

I just wanted to be...

Art Fonzarelli for a day.

- Ugh. - You know? Black dude

playing a Jewish dude, playing an Italian dude

and the world goes 'round.

I think I have some speakers behind the bar.

I'll just hook up my phone.

WINSTON: Wait, wait, wait. Time out, time out, time out.

I know I just did something really stupid,

but why do you automatically get to be in charge of the music?

'Cause I have the best taste.

[Cece and Winston laughing]

Oh, no, no, babe.

All you like is electronica.

It's EDM, electronic dance music...

- Yeah, here we go. - ... or what I like to refer to it as,

as just "M"...

- because it's the only music. - Music.

Yeah, listen, Schmidt, it's trash.

Need I remind you that you started a petition to get

Enya to play at the Super Bowl halftime show?

You're misrepresenting my petition.

Okay? I wanted her to play on the field

during the fourth quarter.

Schmidt, I bet I could make a fake EDM song

and you couldn't tell it apart from a real one.

'Cause they all sound like a robot having a seizure.

Noice.

[chuckles] Not loving this dynamic.

- We don't care. - We'll test it out.

Cece and I will make a song.

- Ooh. - And if we fool you,

we're in charge of the music in the bar,

All Enya, all up in ya.

- I'm in. - Great.

Have fun looking like idiots, you morons.

I don't really have any place to go.

I mean, I came here to hang out with you guys, so...

Hey, you two lovebirds.

It's your first day of living together.

So, what are you doing tonight?

I can't do anything tonight.

I picked up an extra shift at the bar.

No big deal, right?

Yeah.

It's totally fine.

NICK: Everything's totally fine

and we are good.

Okay, well how about you? You want to go out

and maybe have like a little ladies' night?

I just feel like getting really dumb.

Yeah. Dude, I'm the dumbest.

It's a date. I am gonna take a seven-minute power nap

and then go for a run to preempt

all of this damage we're gonna do.

I love it, I love it, I love it.

[chuckling]: Sounds good.

How'd I do?

I'm sorry. What?

With the whole I got to go to work and cover some shifts.

I don't have to go to work.

I don't have work tonight.

I'm actually gonna go to a bowling alley and, uh,

get some beers and watch people bowl.

You lied to Reagan, so you can watch strangers bowl?

Yeah, definitely.

I'm trying to play it cool. I don't want to seem needy.

Are you sure you want to start this thing off with Reagan

by playing a game?

You know what?

Actually...

I don't want to get involved.

[chuckles] Do whatever you want.

Just don't tell me about it 'cause Jess is out.

I put a Lego in my shoe to really push myself.

- That sounds painful. - [laughs] Cool, cool, cool.

Have a lot of fun tonight. Have fun. Okay?

- Fun at ladies' night. - Thanks.

Ladies night!

You're such a lightweight.

I feel fine.

Hell of a ladies' night, though.

A lot of secrets came out last night, didn't they?

Secrets?

Cece!

[exhales] I think I really screwed up ladies' night.

I know I reek.

- [coughs] - Please, please, don't gag

because then I will gag.

Okay, okay, it's really hard though, man.

I think something terrible happened.

Reagan said, "A lot of secrets came out last night."

Uh-oh, you think she knows about Nick?

I mean, I only have one secret, so...

- it's got to be the Nick thing. - It's the Nick thing.

This is bad. Really bad.

Yeah, it's not good.

Ah, how could I let this happen?

- [retching] - [gagging]

I'm sorry, I was holding my breath the whole time.

- [retching] - [gagging]

[blowing]

[coughing]

- [retching] - [gagging]

Oh, my God. [groans]

You need to calm down. All right, just take a breath.

Think of Michelle Obama.

[sighing]: She's so strong.

See, it's working already.

Besides, you don't even know what you told Reagan.

I know she said that we have a secret between us.

You don't just say that.

Okay, all right. Tell me what you remember.

Let's just piece together what happened.

Just the two of you?

Oh, look.

This bar has hooks for our purses. [chuckles]

Score. Thank you.

Skip to the next track.

Splash, bitch, splash!

I'm gonna splash you in your dumb wet face.

[laughing] I really need to wash my hands.

- New friend! - New friend!

Is this leading to the secret?

I don't know, Cece.

My brain is a smoking wreckage

and I'm trying to find the black box.

Okay, let's try to jump-start it.

Okay? Let me try something.

Secret!

Secret!

- Secret! - What are you doing?

- Secret! - This is not gonna work.

- Secret! - It was something about a pool.

Oh, my God, Cece.

You're amazing. You should work for the CIA.

I know. Stay focused on the pool.

I hate the way that tastes.

- Idea. - What?

Let's go to the pool.

Is "pool" cocaine?

I mean, is "the pool," like, a drug thing?

'Cause I don't "swim."

Like, I-I don't judge people who do "swim," but I don't.

No, it's a real pool.

An actual pool at my apartment,

my other apartment.

[gasps]

[whispers]: I have another apartment.

- No, no... - It's a secret.

Don't tell Nick, don't tell Nick.

- No. - Shh.

- Oh, no. - Shh, shh, shh, shh,

shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh...

Okay, well, it's time to do future Jess a solid

and black the hell out.

Reagan has a secret apartment.

A secret apartment?

Past Jess was trying to keep me out of this.

What is she, a D.C. madam?

I have to make sure Nick never finds out about this.

You know what?

I'm gonna stay out of it.

- Hmm. - Classic Jess,

staying all the way out of it.

When we are done with this song,

Schmidt will totally think

it is by Diplo or Garrix

- or Deadmau5. - What is this?

Don't worry about that, your mind is in a weird situation.

First things first.

I recorded a bunch of noises around the loft.

- Right? - Mm-hmm.

So we could use it as the hook.

It is the mark of any EDM song.

- Okay. - Now, check this one out.

Nick shaving without shaving cream.

[Nick grunting]

- He's bleeding at this point. - It's good, I'm just laughing at...

- Yeah, it's nasty. - ... just seeing him.

Okay, check this one out.

SCHMIDT: Haberman, my Haberman. Haberman.

My Haberman. My-my-my-my Haberman.

This one has a pretty good rhythm to it.

All right, this one right here is about to set the city up topsy-turvy.

- All right. - Ferguson...

going to town on Jess's bunny slippers.

[restrained laughter]

It's not... nothing.

- Ferguson, you nasty. - Did you hit the button?

You see, he's a gentle lover. You understand?

That's why you can't really hear anything,

but you can feel what the slipper is feeling.

- There's no sound. - No, you got to...

- He's a... - I can't hear anything.

- he's a gentle lover. - There's no sound in there!

- He's a gentle lover! - You're just there with the phone

- and there's no sound. - Hello.

You don't understand. Oh, hey.

Yeah, it's not so easy, is it?

Can't just snap your fingers

and become a couple of Calvin Harrises-e-es.

WINSTON: Listen, this is all part of our process, okay?

- So beat it. - Yeah. Shoo.

We got a song to write that's gonna give you

the best damn aural you have ever had.

Check yourself.

Oh, A-U-R-A-L.

- Mmm. - CECE: For your ears.

- Yeah. - Noice.

Well, I will see you on game day, suckas.

Ow.

You're not very scary.

We cannot let him get away with that, okay?

We need to dig deep, Winston.

Do I look scared? [chuckles]

Watch this.

[Nick moaning]

Oh, that's just Nick eating a microwave burrito.

No, that actually almost works.

- Really? - Yeah.

[Nick moaning rhythmically]

- SCHMIDT: Haberman. - JESS: It was something about a pool.

[Nick moaning rhythmically]

SCHMIDT: Haberman. My-my-my...

What the hell is that?

Hmm? Oh, I recorded some candid audio.

- Yeah, I need this track to be real. - [Nick moaning]

JESS [echoing]: Reagan has a secret apartment.

CECE: A secret apartment?

- [Nick moaning] - SCHMIDT: Haberman.

- JESS: Reagan has a secret apartment. - CECE: A secret apartment?

Wait, what?

Thank you. It's missing a "what."

What?!

Reagan has a secret apartment?

You feeling it, huh?

- WINSTON: What?! - [Nick moaning]

- SCHMIDT: Haberman. My-my-my... - Oh, oh.

- [Nick moaning] - That's very bad. I'm sorry, man.

JESS [echoing]: Reagan has a secret apartment.

WINSTON: What?!

[laughing]: This track is right, though.

- JESS: Reagan has a secret apartment. - CECE: A secret apartment?

- SCHMIDT: Haberman. - WINSTON: What?!

I can't believe my girlfriend has a secret apartment!

I'm sure there's some explanation.

I can think of one of two things.

One, she's worried she's making a mistake

by living with me.

Or two, and this one is way more realistic,

she has a secret family.

Only men have secret families.

Look, just go talk to Reagan.

I can't just run into the bathroom shouting,

"You have a secret apartment," Jess.

She'll bolt...

to her secret apartment!

You talk to her.

Find out what the deal is.

No way I'm getting involved.

You leaked the intel to Cece.

You're deeper than any of us.

I was secretly recorded.

That is a felony, by the way.

This is between you and Reagan.

Jess, you've got to talk to her.

You've got to deal with this. She trusts you.

Please, you've got to help.

[knocking]

Hey...

Ray Ray.

- Boo Boo? - Is this about the apartment?

- Damn. - Jess, I know I put you in a weird spot

by telling you about it.

Whatever the explanation, it's okay.

I don't need to know anything except, like,

when did you get it,

is it, like, a real, genuine place,

or is it, like, a playing it cool thing,

like Nick's fake bar shift?

- What? - What?

You said "fake bar shift,"

so does that mean that he didn't have to go to work,

- and that he lied to me? - Oh my God,

you know who should talk to about this,

because he could answer all your questions, is Nick.

- No. No. - Nick!

- I don't want to talk to him... - Hey, Nick! Nick!

- .... about anything. - Oh, weird.

I had no idea you were having a conversation

[chuckling]: with Reagan right now.

We are in the middle of a conversation

that we need to finish,

so maybe we'll do that over drinks.

Did you have other plans?

Maybe you wanted to have a conversation with somebody.

Well, I'd love to finish our conversation, Jess,

so maybe you and I should get a drink.

You know what? After last night,

the only drink I can handle is...

room temperature milk.

- You guys got crazy? - Don't worry about it.

- I just really would want to be able... - I would love to...

NICK: ... finish our conversation.

We started ours first, so we should finish ours earlier.

- It's basic time science. - It's time science?

Yeah, it's time science.

You told me that you don't believe in watches

or clocks, so I don't really think

- this is a very valid argument. - No, I said I believe

in watches, I just don't trust who sets them.

- Who sets the time? - You set the time.

Why would I set the time? It's my watch.

Okay, see? Talking is fun.

Why don't you guys continue this conversation...

at the bar...

by yourselves,

without me?

I'll have a milk.

So in front of you, you have two songs,

one by a recognized EDM "artist,"

quotes intended,

the other is by me.

- CECE: I also helped. - [mocking]: Yeah, okay.

I did!

- Lay it on me. - Here we go.

[Nick grunting rhythmically]

Stop.

- What? - What?

You're barely seconds in.

Throbbing bass, the lone whistle,

the gritty caw of gears grinding.

This is clearly the work of Tim Bergling,

better known as...

Swedish EDM demigod...

- Avicii. - WINSTON: Avicii...

- As you were. - Oh, my goodness.

- Mm. - Boo-yah.

It sucks to be so...

damn right.

Boo-yah!

- Yeah! - Oh, oh, oh!

Those ears heard a Bishop/Parikh original track.

- This must be a shenanigan. - WINSTON: No.

- EDM is a shenanigan. - Correct.

SCHMIDT: My-my-my Haberman.

- Ha! - Ooh!

[music continues playing]

Yeah.

[Nick moaning]

- So now, it's gonna be all Enya... - All Enya.

... all the time.

- CECE: All the damn time, all day. - Mm!

- Amenya! - Enya.

How could I have been so wrong? Have I...

always had bad taste?

WINSTON: Just like I said.

- Yeah, I said it, too. - Ha. Okay, whatever.

- I did! - Yeah, sure. Nobody heard ya.

If I don't have my taste, then what's real?

Are cargo shorts gorgeous?

Was I wrong about rubber awareness bracelets?

Should I grow a goatee?

Look, Schmidt, you got fooled.

- Who cares, man? - [chuckles]

I care, Winston. I care.

[exhales]

I always thought of myself as a brand,

as a lifestyle, but now...

you know what, I'm gonna take back that chair,

and I'm gonna get rid of all my gingham and I'm gonna...

go buy a 14-pack of tube socks...

at the grocery store.

We might have taken this one a little too far.

You took it too far.

Oh, now I'm involved.

Do you know what I think is really great?

That Nick made time for us, with his very busy work schedule.

You know what'd be fun? If we were all just direct. [chuckles]

Just, you know, for laughs.

I think it's really great that we all,

you know, are just kind of acting and living like one big family.

One big, happy, non-secret fam...

I am too hungover to deal with this, so I'm just gonna say it.

Nick, Reagan knows that you lied about having to work.

Reagan, Nick knows about your secret apartment.

- Jess! - You told her, Jess?

I'm sorry, but now it's all out there, so you can talk about it.

I can't believe you told her.

Let's talk about how mature it is for you to pretend to not care

that I switched my job

and moved across the country for you.

You came from Seattle, pal. That's down.

- Are you a cartographer now? - Am I a cartographer?

Yeah, did you get your Bachelor's in map science?

That's what a map scientist is?

- A cartographer? - Yes.

Why is everything a code with you? Just say map scientist.

Guys! Let's just try being sweet to each other.

Oh, should we be sweet like a friend that spills the other friend's secrets?

- That's a good point. - Don't act like you didn't lie.

Your lie was bigger.

My lie didn't require a credit check.

Congratulations, Reagan. You have more apartments than I have jeans.

So thank God I have that apartment.

'Cause guess where I'm sleeping tonight.

- Where? - In...

[scoffs]

Well, I'll be in the honest apartment!

You said that a full two seconds after the door shut.

All right, but I still said it.

This is definitely one of those creepy apartment complexes

for divorced dads and child actors.

- [shouts]: Reagan! - What are we doing here?

I thought your whole thing was not getting involved.

All I want is to not be involved,

but you and Reagan are acting like complete idiots,

and for friend reasons and just basic human decency,

I can't walk away.

- Reagan! - MAN: Quiet, please.

I'm trying to enjoy my supermarket salad.

REAGAN: Why are you guys here?

- Hey. - What are you doing?

- You... you 'cuing? - I grill.

- It calms me down. - That's cool.

JESS: Okay, you guys need to start being honest,

and I can't help, because this whole thing...

the three of us living together... is awkward enough

without me being in the middle.

All right? So, work it out...

now.

Get in here. The code is, uh... 1234#.

[beeping, clangs]

That's not the code.

- It's 1234#. - [beeping]

It doesn't work.

It's #1234, guy.

- Oh. - Yeah, that works.

- Thanks, man. - MAN: Yep.

[door closes]

See myself out.

I got to say, a lot of international people living here, it's...

there's good and bad in that, huh?

I feel like we should probably...

revisit that.

What about your thing, Reagan?

Uh, okay.

Well, my company rents apartments

for all of their transplants.

And I guess I didn't tell you about it because...

I'm scared,

and I wanted a backup plan.

It checks out.

I just felt like if I came on too strong,

It-it would scare you away.

That's why I lied.

- It checks out. - I didn't want you feeling, like,

you know, you were trapped in some sack.

Trapped in a sack?

I don't want you to feel trapped in a sack.

I wish you had used a less alarming analogy.

Yeah, women are always afraid of being trapped in sacks.

It's a little dark.

MAN: Will you just kiss her already, dude?

Please tell me you don't know this guy's name.

- I don't know the guy's name. - That's good. That's a positive.

- [laughter] - MAN: My name's Kevin.

[door opens, closes]

WINSTON: Wow.

Cowboy hat, hockey jersey,

drinking from a Styrofoam cup.

You called it perfectly, Cece.

CECE: Pick yourself up.

Figuratively and literally,

'cause we still haven't fumigated for weevils.

Let the weevils take me away.

It was just a song. Okay?

Your taste is your taste.

It doesn't matter who else likes it.

WINSTON: Yeah, I mean, look at Cece, for instance.

She's still rocking that Planet Hollywood jacket,

and that thing is ugly as hell, man.

Like, it's a really terrible jacket,

and I don't get why she wears it.

CECE: I mean, take Winston, for example.

He eats onions like apples.

It's disgusting, his breath smells bad,

it makes no sense, but...

Yeah, man. I be eating them things right down to the core, man.

- Yeah, and you like EDM. - [chuckles]

- You know what else you like? - [door opens]

A brand-new...

- ... fancy chair! - [laughter]

Chair? I thought this was the base of a fish tank.

[laughs]

- NICK: Here you go, man. - REAGAN: Happy birthday, Schmidt.

It's not his birthday.

Then why are we doing this?

CECE: Schmidt, you love this chair, right?

- Told you to sit on it, Potsie! - REAGAN: The store had free delivery.

I don't understand what's going on.

I know. We just do things sometimes.

I never understood it either.

[grunts]

- JESS: Is it... comfortable? - Absolutely not.

It's a Haberman.

Play some music from my mobile device,

that we created, you and me.

Come on. You know you love it.

Let us see it in your feet. Dance!

Haberman.

- There we go! - Whoo-hoo!

- [laughter] - Haberman.

SCHMIDT: Yeah.

- Yeah, feel it. - Yay!

CECE: Whoo!

No!

So, this is my life now?

Yep. Welcome home.

Y'all okay with this?

- [Nick moans] - Haberman.

Synced and corrected by Aaronnmb www.addic7ed.com

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0