Original subtitles

[softly]: I'm ready.

I'm ready!

Cece, good news.

I'm making you bar manager!

Yeah, I finally want to focus on my writing.

And you can implement all the ideas

that you've been suggesting.

All I said was that the ladies' bathroom

needs more toilet paper.

And I want you to implement that...

- as manager. - All right.

Cece, this could be your whole future. What do you say?

"Whole future" makes it seem like I'm gonna grow old and die there,

- which is terrifying. - Oh, yeah,

- but... yeah... - I mean, I could use the money...

See, that's what I'm saying! You could use the money!

If you break it down hourly, it's less money.

- Okay. - Don't do that math.

- I'm fat! - I'm ready!

Look at this scarf.

I used to be able to wrap this scarf...

- exactly... - You go first.

two and a half times, and the plaid layers

would blend seamlessly.

- Scarf looks fine, Schmidt. - Now the blend is

several degrees from seamless, a... as you can see.

I've gained six pounds, maybe six and a half, I'm sure of it.

Honey, you look exactly the same to me.

Are you implying you gained six pounds in your neck?

I let my gym membership lapse when we were planning the wedding.

Now instead of a chiseled ten, I'm a dumpy seven

breathin' down six's back.

But it's fine. I just have to find a new gym.

Oh, you can come with me to mine...

I'll pick you up after work, okay?

Good. Now back to my thing.

I'm ready!

Oh, sorry. To start dating again.

- Oh. - Oh.

- That's great. I'm so proud of you. - Thanks.

NICK: Me, too. About time you got Dr. Sam out of your system.

Here's a prescription for the doctor.

Who needs him? [laughing]

[laughing]: Keep talking.

Yes. Totally about Dr. Sam

and definitely not about any other specific individuals.

Anyway, I've spent the last few months

self-improving my ass off

and now I'm ready to get this bad boy back on the streets.

That's right. I'm ready!

Schmidt, just so we're clear.

When you say you're a seven breathing down a six's back,

[whispering]: are you referring to Cece?

Is she the six?

Synced and corrected by Aaronnmb www.addic7ed.com

Come on! Flip it!

Flip it!

- Come on, Schmidt, flip it! - Oh, forget it.

- What are you doing? - I don't know.

I used to crush at the gym

and now I'm just mediocre,

like early Beyonc?.

Nobody will say it, but you know it's true.

Look, you're just shaking the rust off.

You got to run the faucet till the brown runs out.

Speaking of which, I have to do the same.

Don't wait up. [chuckles]

Hey, squats, good news.

- I'm dating again. - No, thank you.

- Never mind. - Okay.

What the hell? I used to be so good at dating.

I don't think you were.

I had a thing a certain type responded to.

Hey, Jess. Hey, Schmidt.

- Hey. - Robby, you go to this gym?

Oh, yeah. Jess and I work out all the time.

In fact, everyone from our singles group works out here, too.

Jess, who am I right now? [groans]

Tony!

- Tony. That's right. Tony. - [laughs]

[Robby and Jess laughing]

All right. I'm gonna get a drink and get back to my workout,

but, uh, you better be careful.

My... I-I tore every single ligament in my right leg.

- The doctor says I have to focus - [inhales sharply]

on the top until it heals.

Yeah, classic genie workout.

Just let your legs waste away until they turn into mist.

Guess you got to lift weights like Tony sleeps.

- ROBBY: No bottoms. - JESS: No bottoms.

[Robby and Jess laughing]

We love Tony.

- All right. - Check you later.

[chuckles]

All right, got to get back on the horse.

Got to find a guy I can have some rhythm with.

Ooh. Sweaty guy?

Oh. Guy doing Pilates in work boots?

Are you doing a bit right now?

- What? - Just date Robby.

Oh, Schmidt, not this again.

Why not? I mean, you guys get along.

He's clearly into you. You have that whole Tony thing,

which was very inside and alienating.

Well, I do find Robby really funny and...

he's as tall as you can be before it's weird.

See, I'd put him on the wrong side of that line,

but that's just me. Who cares what I think?

Jess... go get him.

Oh. It's a colon drop?

Uh, I didn't order this.

Is it just me or is it colon here?

[laughs]

Yeah.

Hi, there.

Hey, the birds on your shirt look a little lonely.

Maybe they could use some company?

Nah.

They find it very fulfilling to play amongst themselves.

Find me if they change their mind.

Was she hitting on us?

Hey, what can give you?

I guess I'll get some calamari and some soup.

What's the soup of the day?

Actually, what I'm talking about? This is my bar. Who are you?

Oh, Nick, this is Donovan,

the new bartender I hired.

- Hey. - Hey, Donovan.

Yeah, nice to meet you.

Uh, would you mind grabbing a-an extra keg?

Got it.

That's an interesting hire.

You-you see, bartenders are mostly,

I don't know, grizzled guys, you know, with character

or they're hot women

who bring in grizzled guys with character.

I know. He's actually an aspiring model

and I figure he'll bring in more women.

How would he bring in more women?

Because he is super hot.

That guy is super hot?

- Yes. - Okay, if you say so.

I don't say so.

The Lord says so. That boy is off the charts.

- I wouldn't know. - Okay, don't be that guy.

I'm not being that guy. I don't see it.

Don't be the, "Eh, I wouldn't know" guy.

- It's a bad color on you. - No, I'm not saying it's a color.

I'm not even making... like... I don't see that he's more handsome.

I have been getting all kinds of female attention lately.

Did I suddenly get more attractive?

How should I know?! I don't see that kind of thing.

- I'm just trying to write. - Babe.

- Yeah, babe. - Babe.

- Yes, babe? - You have a girlfriend now,

which means you've got a lot of confidence and women love that.

Now, if you'll just keep making it clear

that you have a girlfriend, it'll pass.

I hate shutting women down all damn night.

I want to be a source of light in the world.

Well...

That's why I always sit at the table with the little kids first.

[both laughing]

Man, that restaurant was so weird.

I feel like we were the only people

not celebrating a birthday.

Well, it-it was called Birthdays.

- Birthday, birthday, birthday

- How's the chicken?

- Sorry, what? - [people singing loudly]

- How-how's your chicken? - What?

I was just saying, "How is your chicken?"

Oh, yeah. I have chicken.

Yes. Yeah.

- I-I know you have it, but how... - I ordered the chicken.

- What? - I ordered the chicken!

Right, right, right. Is it good, though?

It was a loud, horrible restaurant. [chuckles]

- Sorry. - So why did I have so much fun?

- Probably the company. - Yeah, I guess so. [chuckles]

Ow. What?

- Sorry. [chuckles] - It's okay. I guess.

- Well, night, pal. - Oh.

- Be well. - Okay. Uh...

Jess, why are you not dressed for the gymnasia?

- Hmm. I'm not going. - Why the hell not?

- Oh, is it your birthday? - No. I just...

Did we forget your birthday? This is terrible.

- It's not my birthday. - It's a big one, too, isn't it?

How old do you think I...

No, I'm eating leftovers from my date with Robby.

Did you go to Birthdays?

You know, if you get a chance,

you should try the Birthdays Express at the airport.

I like it better. It's del...

Anyway, how was your date?

It was great and then it was disastrous.

- Oh, so you had sex with him? - No.

The opposite.

The opposite?

So, you gave birth to him?

No. It was going really well.

It was fun and then at the end,

he clearly wanted to kiss and I thought I did, too, and then...

instead I just gave him the old Pittsburgh good-bye.

Chuck on the arm and a handshake?

- Why would you do that? - Because, I...

[sighs]

In that moment, I just couldn't see myself

spending the rest of my life with him.

80 years old, feeding him pea soup out of a tin cup.

I'm confused. Is this a happy ending for Jess Day?

I mean, where are you living at this point, under a bridge?

I see you and Cece

and Nick and Reagan

- and Winston and Furguson... - Aly.

Sorry, that just came out. Winston and Aly.

And you're all in love, and I just...

don't know if I'll ever have that magic with Robby.

See, this just proves my theory that if you were a man,

you would have a very difficult time getting an erection.

You have a theory about that?

You're putting way too much pressure on yourself.

It's a date, it's not the rest of your life.

- You had a good time, right? - Well, yeah, it was Robby.

He's the funniest guy in the world.

So lighten up. If you want to kiss him, kiss him.

Who knows...

maybe you'll see if you have magic then.

You know what? You're right.

I was gonna try to avoid Robby, but funk that chicken!

I'm gonna go get my gym clothes on!

- Yeah. - I'm gonna put my push-up bra on.

That's actually not a bra that pushes my breasts up,

it's actually one that I do push-ups in.

- I get it. - Smash these babies down.

Let's do it.

Ooh, no, Cece, you know it's not Jess' birthday, right?

- Put that away. - Yeah, no, I know that.

Um, this gift is for you.

- What? - Mm-hmm.

Cece... It's a scarf.

- Yeah. [chuckles] - I love it.

Almost makes me want to go to Buffalo for work.

- Thank you. - Mm-hmm.

Look at... look at that.

Oh, no.

O-oh, no. Oh, no!

How long does she think my freakin' neck is?

It's a fat-man scarf.

My wife gave me a fat-man scarf!

I did a few freelance modeling gigs.

I was the "wowee face" for an amusement park ad.

[chuckles]: That's actually really great.

- Oh, that was you. - We really gotta get you working.

Let me take a few photos to send to a photographer I used to work with.

- Do some model looks. - All right.

Um, this one I call,

"I just saw something patriotic."

All right...

- It was an eagle. - I was gonna say eagle.

I want to show some range.

Show me "I just saw something unpatriotic."

How you gonna pull that off?

Oh.

That's some rich gravy, man.

I noticed you from across the way.

Can I buy you a drink?

I'm sorry, but let me be very clear.

I have a girlfriend.,

and I am very much so devoted to her.

Aw.

Here's my number. Use it.

She didn't listen to a word...

Throw a peanut out of frustration!

Okay, why are you even here?

I thought the whole point of promoting me was you could go off and write.

I would love to be writing,

but thanks to you, all I can do is look at Donovan's face

and try to figure out why humans find it appealing.

This is insane... you have to be able to admit that he's attractive.

I do... How would I know?

Nick, please, that dude is hot as hell, man.

He is a member of the Hall of Fine.

He's more attractive than Joe Mangaroni.

Manga... Joe Menden...

- Who are you thinking of? - Magic Mike's friend.

- Oh, he's married to that... - Yeah, J Lo.

- Joe Mangallini. - Joe Mangallini.

He's more attractive than Joe Mangallini.

Okay, I know for a fact...

that this was the most attractive man in America for ten years.

I know that because magazines told me so.

- But... - Okay...

Hey, Donovan, could you copy that?

You guys don't look anything alike.

- Okay. - Okay.

Are you planning on speeding up at any point?

Oh, my God, Schmidt,

are you walking on a decline?

This is what we call a "trudge," Jess.

My wife has given up on me, why shouldn't I?

[imitating police siren]

Uh, license and registration, please.

[laughing]

I had a great time last night, you know?

And thank you for taking that cake off my hands.

I would have eaten it for breakfast.

- Huh, gross, right? - [chuckles]

Better get back to my uppers.

By the time this knee is fixed,

I'm gonna look like the WB frog, you know?

[imitating WB frog]:

Ba da bup a duh breeer.

[laughs]

[chuckling]

That guy...

You're the only two people in here that enjoyed that.

Please go after him.

Hey, need a spot?

Yeah, yeah, that'd be great, thanks.

Hey, Jess, about last night, at the end there,

- I hope I wasn't... - No, you weren't,

and I hope you didn't think that...

I just kinda thought that we were in synch, you know?

- But then... - No, Robby...

I wanted to kiss you, too.

You did?

Oh...

Oh, well, Jess, I don't know if this is...

Oh, okay.

[both crying out]

[alarmed chatter]

- Somebody call an ambulance. - Robby, are you okay?

I don't know, Robby hurt his mouth pretty bad here.

It hurts a lot. It felt good first, but then it hurts a lot now.

JESS: Just so you know, this is all your fault.

Oh, that's fair.

I should have made it very clear to you

not to kiss Robby while he was balancing

a dangerous amount of weight above his head.

There was a moment before the bar came down

where we were just two people kissing,

and...

nothing.

No magic.

Look, at least now you know.

No harm done, right?

A tremendous amount of harm done.

Now I have to tell a man I maimed that I'm not interested.

On the bright side, you're not that hurt.

Come to think of it, how are you not more hurt?

When I was in triage,

they said that my neck muscles had served

as kind of a neck helmet,

which made me feel like I was not talking to real doctors.

Anyway, I just have to wear this thing for the next few days

just as a precaution.

Well, if you want to cover it up,

Cece gave me a scarf that's perfect.

It's long enough to wrap around an above-ground pool

filled with Alfredo sauce.

Alfredo sauce. Doesn't that sound good?

- Not really. - I don't know.

Maybe Cece's right.

Maybe I am turning into a fat man.

Cece never called you fat.

Well, I am.

I'm a fat man married to a hot woman.

Cool, I'm a sitcom.

That sounds like a great show.

Throw in a wacky neighbor, I'm watching.

Maybe the reason why you don't want to go to the gym

is 'cause you want to hang out with your beautiful wife.

Right?

And you're fat and happy because you're happy.

You're right.

I'm a lucky man.

A Lucky Man should be the name of your show.

You're a beleaguered casino owner, and a father of three.

- MAN: Ms. Day? - Yes?

Mr. McFerrin's regained consciousness.

- Oh, thank goodness. - You can see him now.

Thank you. All right.

You should go home, this could be a long conversation.

WOMAN'S VOICE: Two-four-seven-seven, satellite pharmacy...

Wait a minute.

Robby's full name is Robby McFerrin?

How did I not put this together?

- Hey. - Hey.

I met with that photographer you sent me to. It went great.

I mean, he even gave me a free bottle of water.

Ooh.

- I felt like a movie star. - [chuckles]

- He wants to work together. - That's amazing.

I got these release forms to sign.

You want me to take a look at them for you?

- Yeah. - Okay. There we go. [clears throat]

Donovan, these terms are unacceptable.

He's really screwing you.

- Aww... - You know what?

I'm gonna get on the phone with him,

because if we start treating our attractive people like this,

our society is gonna collapse.

[sighs] Hey, man, you busy writing?

- What does it look like? - Want a rain-stick?

Some girl gave it to me.

You know, I'm getting a lot of gifts

from women who want to sleep with me lately.

You know? It's hopeless, man.

I'm so damn confident.

Winston, I was really hoping to make headway on this,

but uh, we got to put out this fire, don't we?

- It's hot. - Hmm.

- You're too confident. - Too confident ain't the word.

I'm at a whole new level.

Do you remember when you were taking the bus to the farmer's market

and it hit a bump and you soiled yourself?

That was not my favorite Arbor Day. [laughs]

Why you, uh... why are you bringing that up?

Remember when you, uh, were in the park,

and a bee flew into your mouth

and then you fell off the bridge

at that place where all the ducks go to the bathroom?

I see what you're doing. Keep it going.

Remember when you had to leave Latvia because you weren't good enough

to be a professional basketball player,

and you came back home to be a full time babysitter?

Okay. All right. Time out.

- You know, you, you hit a nerve. - Okay.

- Definitely brought me down a peg. - I'm sorry.

- It's okay. I needed it. - Okay.

- Okay. - I feel some less confident now.

- My man. [laughs] - [laughing]: All right, then.

All right. Back to my novel.

[upbeat song playing on radio]

- You're still on that? - I can't figure it out.

Look. Imagine a world where you woke up one morning

and instead of your face,

- you had Donovan's face. - Whoa.

And instead of your body, you had his.

How would you feel?

- If I had his face and his body? - Oh-hoo, yeah.

I'd feel fantastic.

And that's...

how you know he's attractive.

- Hmm. - Hmm.

Can I have a minute with this, please?

Oh, sure thing.

Can I interest you in some white noise?

Yes, please.

[shakes rain-stick contents]

[contents falling like rain]

Hmm.

[contents falling]

So, when a man

looks like a man that you wouldn't mind looking like,

that's a way to assess a man's attractiveness.

- Exactly. - Oh!

CECE: That's right.

You are gonna draw up a brand new agreement for Donovan to sign.

Hell, yeah, you're gonna have a courier bring it over to me right now.

And, uh, listen closely, Marco,

Donovan subsection H is a deal breaker,

so, rip it out of the agreement and burn it.

Or we're walking.

Look forward to hearing from you. Thanks, bye.

- That was amazing. - Yeah.

That was amazing.

WOMAN'S VOICE: Allen to pulmonary medicine. Dr. Allen to...

Hey, Robby.

- Hi, Jess. - Oh!

[inhales sharply]

- You don't look so bad. [chuckles] - Mm-hmm...

Oh, don't smile. Don't smile.

- You make me want to smile. - Don't! You'll pop a stitch.

- Don't smile. I'm so sorry. - No, don't be.

It was worth it, Jess, because what happened between us

was so magical.

A dark magic, maybe.

- Can I make a confession? - I wish you wouldn't.

- When I was under... - Here we go.

I saw a bright light.

And I felt that I had the choice to either go into the light

or to come back to you.

And well, here we are.

Mm... this is gonna be a tough one.

- You know what's so great? - No. I don't.

Our first kiss is gonna be such a good story to tell.

It's not that good of a story.

Pretty good story.

Robby, I have something to tell you.

- I... - Mm-hmm?

- [crunches] - [screams]

Oh, my God! Your bad knee! Oh, my God!

- I'll get someone to help. - [groaning]

Aah... Oh!

[mouth full]: Mm. There she is.

Jess. Big news.

I realized that you were right.

I'm happy because Cece loves me

and she's gonna love me no matter what,

even if I turn into a bloated Ashkenazi marshmallow.

Turns out, I don't have to work out ever again.

I can eat as much as I want and still be happy.

Ooh. How'd your thing go?

- Break the news to Robby? - No.

Before I could break his heart,

I shattered his leg.

It's now in two pieces, connected by...

a skin tunnel where his knee should be.

Hmm.

So, you've broken him twice now.

[sighs] How am I supposed to tell him I'm not interested now?

I don't think you have any other choice.

I mean, what are you gonna do?

You're just gonna pretend to be into him and then...

nurse him for the rest of your life?

- Okay, Robby, time for your soup. - [grunts]

Good morning.

In a strange way, I find this to be deeply romantic.

Yes. It's very romantic, waiting for his body to heal

before I destroy his soul.

Cling, clung, I got a robot dong.

I got a robot dong goes cling, cling, cling...

- You got to love Robby. - He's been singing that a lot.

- Cece. - Hmm?

You've done a great job, but I'm gonna have to demote you.

- Huh? - Shouldn't be a manager,

because you should be a manager.

Are you just saying words in no particular order?

We asked Donovan to bring in a couple of his "hottest friends."

[chuckles] And he sure did.

And I know that because I wouldn't mind having their faces.

And I wouldn't mind having their bodies.

- Okay. - WINSTON: We saw you on the phone

with that photographer,

and you have a gift.

You shouldn't be managing a bar.

You should be managing people like Donovan.

Beautiful idiots?

- No offense. - Oh. [scoffs]

And these objectively handsome men.

They're models, too. Just like me.

Me, managing models?

Just like him and him and him.

Yeah. They're all models just like him.

Well, I do know the business.

- And I hate working here. - Easy.

I mean, I'm gonna keep working here. I need the cash.

Schmidt is eating us out of house and home.

SCHMIDT: Barkeep! Mudslide, extra whip.

Coming right up, babe.

You know what?

All right.

- I think that I'll do it. - Ha, ha!

Okay, guys. Let's see what you're working with.

I actually just meant show me a portfolio but...

that'll do.

[sighing]: Where's my mudslide?

- Who are these? - My new... clients.

Honey, I think I'm gonna start managing models.

Are you rea... that's a... that's amazing.

Congratulations, Cece. I think you'd be really great at that.

- I'm proud of you. - Yeah?

So, you'll just be swimming in beefcakes all day

and then you'll just... be coming home

to this sock full of meatloaf. [laughs]

Uh-huh, sister. Not gonna happen.

I'm going back to the gym.

Don't need this fat man scarf.

- Want help? You got it? - You didn't like my gift?

It just goes on forever.

WINSTON: You literally just got to take it off.

- Why'd you do that? - JESS: Hey! What am I missing?

Cece's gonna manage models.

I can't hear anything from over here. I'm gonna come over.

- You guys are really good looking. - Thank you, man.

- Not you. These three. - Oh.

Don't celebrate without me.

- [grunts] - WINSTON: Oh!

- Oh, sorry! Oh. Sorry. - You got to...

Oh!

- [grunting] Okay... - Just move your foot a little bit...

- Aah, you just... - I can't get it out.

- Okay, one of us should help. - I know, we should help.

- Can you just lift your foot a little bit... - NICK: That way, that way.

You're hurting him. Go like this.

- Oh! Sorry! - Go like this!

Go like... No. That's not helping.

Oh, aah! Sorry.

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