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1
00:00:01,828 --> 00:00:03,496
- Here we go.
- Peter.
2
00:00:03,563 --> 00:00:04,897
That's Sam's favorite male nurse.
3
00:00:04,965 --> 00:00:06,365
He's gotten him two years in a row
4
00:00:06,433 --> 00:00:09,502
for secret Santa,
and last year, he got him $500,
5
00:00:09,569 --> 00:00:11,036
and this year, he got him crayons.
6
00:00:11,104 --> 00:00:12,838
All over the map, that Peter.
7
00:00:12,906 --> 00:00:15,341
So, when you get to Sam's
birthday party, is the goal
8
00:00:15,408 --> 00:00:18,344
to impress his friends with
how much you know about them
9
00:00:18,411 --> 00:00:19,411
or to terrify them?
10
00:00:19,446 --> 00:00:20,846
I just want them to like me.
11
00:00:20,914 --> 00:00:21,714
Finally,
12
00:00:21,781 --> 00:00:23,082
I feel like I'm in
13
00:00:23,149 --> 00:00:24,984
an adult relationship. He's a grown-up.
14
00:00:25,051 --> 00:00:26,652
Hey, Jess, heads up,
I borrowed your towel.
15
00:00:26,720 --> 00:00:27,987
Use your own towel
if you're gonna shower.
16
00:00:28,054 --> 00:00:29,889
No, I didn't shower, I just sponged off.
17
00:00:29,956 --> 00:00:32,091
Ew. Ugh! That's even worse.
18
00:00:32,158 --> 00:00:34,860
You didn't even get clean
before you used the towel.
19
00:00:34,928 --> 00:00:36,495
It's called a French whore's bath.
20
00:00:36,563 --> 00:00:38,197
You wouldn't make a dime
as a French whore.
21
00:00:38,265 --> 00:00:39,331
You would make zero dollars.
22
00:00:39,399 --> 00:00:41,500
I'd make millions, millions.
23
00:00:41,568 --> 00:00:43,936
Bonjour. Croissant. Millions.
24
00:00:44,004 --> 00:00:45,604
- Definitely not.
- No.
25
00:00:45,672 --> 00:00:46,752
That's disrespectful. Here.
26
00:00:46,806 --> 00:00:47,873
[Jess and Cece scream]
27
00:00:47,941 --> 00:00:50,342
Happy Bird Day, Dr. Sam.
28
00:00:50,410 --> 00:00:52,778
Wow, you didn't have to do that.
29
00:00:52,846 --> 00:00:54,213
Did you say, "Bird Day"?
30
00:00:54,281 --> 00:00:55,881
You heard me. Well, you know, I figured
31
00:00:55,949 --> 00:00:57,883
Jess likes you, so I like you, too, man.
32
00:00:57,951 --> 00:00:59,118
Welcome to the family.
33
00:00:59,185 --> 00:01:00,819
H-Hey, look at that.
34
00:01:00,887 --> 00:01:03,289
It's a shirt with
a whole lot of birds on it.
35
00:01:03,356 --> 00:01:05,024
That's a bird shirt. Bird shirt.
36
00:01:05,091 --> 00:01:06,725
What? Why? What-what's the...?
37
00:01:06,793 --> 00:01:08,327
Ah, you know why.
38
00:01:08,395 --> 00:01:10,062
Cool shirt, dude.
39
00:01:13,099 --> 00:01:14,667
[chuckles]
40
00:01:14,734 --> 00:01:16,368
We're bird bros now.
41
00:01:16,436 --> 00:01:18,370
And check it out, you
can wear it to the party.
42
00:01:18,438 --> 00:01:20,839
You know, nothing says,
"This dude is dope,"
43
00:01:20,907 --> 00:01:23,142
like a motherflippin' finch, am I right?
44
00:01:23,209 --> 00:01:24,209
[laughs]
45
00:01:24,277 --> 00:01:25,317
SCHMIDT: Sam, I'm so sorry
46
00:01:25,378 --> 00:01:27,313
I won't be able to attend your party.
47
00:01:27,380 --> 00:01:28,380
I have wedding stuff.
48
00:01:28,448 --> 00:01:29,381
"Stuff"?
49
00:01:29,449 --> 00:01:30,716
Define "stuff."
50
00:01:30,784 --> 00:01:31,717
Things.
51
00:01:31,785 --> 00:01:33,319
Thank you.
52
00:01:34,487 --> 00:01:36,255
I'm so excited to meet your friends,
53
00:01:36,323 --> 00:01:38,657
including Dr. Garfinkel...
54
00:01:38,725 --> 00:01:39,892
[laughs]
55
00:01:39,960 --> 00:01:41,594
Sam, I love the way you laugh.
56
00:01:41,661 --> 00:01:43,028
You never open your mouth.
57
00:01:43,096 --> 00:01:44,096
You're always like...
58
00:01:44,164 --> 00:01:45,664
[mimics Sam's laugh]
59
00:01:45,732 --> 00:01:47,099
I don't sound like that. [laughs]
60
00:01:47,167 --> 00:01:48,534
No, you do. You just did it.
61
00:01:48,602 --> 00:01:49,768
[phone chimes]
62
00:01:49,836 --> 00:01:52,171
Hey, you got to add a flash card.
63
00:01:52,238 --> 00:01:53,706
My friend Diane's coming.
64
00:01:53,773 --> 00:01:55,608
She's in town for a podiatry conference.
65
00:01:55,675 --> 00:01:57,209
She's a friend from med school.
66
00:01:57,277 --> 00:01:58,711
Oh, I've never heard you mention her.
67
00:01:58,778 --> 00:02:00,045
You guys close?
68
00:02:00,113 --> 00:02:01,647
- Diane!
- Hi.
69
00:02:01,715 --> 00:02:03,215
[both laugh]
70
00:02:03,283 --> 00:02:05,050
They look... close.
71
00:02:05,118 --> 00:02:07,219
- Hi!
- It's so good to see you.
72
00:02:07,287 --> 00:02:09,021
So good to see you.
73
00:02:09,089 --> 00:02:11,056
Way too close.
74
00:02:11,124 --> 00:02:13,325
[both laughing]
75
00:02:15,362 --> 00:02:17,296
76
00:02:19,299 --> 00:02:21,867
Hey, Schmidt, how many
robots are too many robots?
77
00:02:21,935 --> 00:02:22,835
Hi, Nick.
78
00:02:22,902 --> 00:02:24,536
Gavin.
79
00:02:24,604 --> 00:02:26,639
What are you doing here?
80
00:02:26,706 --> 00:02:28,140
I thought you'd be at Sam's party.
81
00:02:28,208 --> 00:02:29,141
What's he doing here?
82
00:02:29,209 --> 00:02:30,376
Well, after the incident
83
00:02:30,443 --> 00:02:32,211
where my dad kissed... [heaving]
84
00:02:32,278 --> 00:02:34,146
If you're gonna barf, just barf.
It's not healthy to hold it in.
85
00:02:34,214 --> 00:02:37,149
Where my dad kissed Jess,
86
00:02:37,217 --> 00:02:38,984
there was an accidental pocket dial
87
00:02:39,052 --> 00:02:40,586
that actually went pretty well.
88
00:02:40,654 --> 00:02:41,654
He suggested
89
00:02:41,688 --> 00:02:43,188
some wine tasting for the wedding,
90
00:02:43,256 --> 00:02:44,890
and I said, "Why not?"
91
00:02:44,958 --> 00:02:46,992
You're just gonna drink
alone with your dad?
92
00:02:47,060 --> 00:02:49,094
Join us, Nick,
the Pinot from my vineyard
93
00:02:49,162 --> 00:02:50,329
is dynamite this year.
94
00:02:50,397 --> 00:02:51,664
It's gonna taste fantastic
95
00:02:51,731 --> 00:02:53,399
at my son's wedding in a factory.
96
00:02:53,466 --> 00:02:55,734
Gavin, it's actually a slaughterhouse,
97
00:02:55,802 --> 00:02:58,270
and you would know that
if you were around more.
98
00:02:58,338 --> 00:02:59,672
[pounds table] Can I see you in my room
99
00:02:59,739 --> 00:03:00,739
for a second, please?
100
00:03:02,375 --> 00:03:03,475
Look, I know you don't trust my dad,
101
00:03:03,543 --> 00:03:04,610
but I'm happy that he's here.
102
00:03:04,678 --> 00:03:05,811
We're working through stuff.
103
00:03:05,879 --> 00:03:07,199
Wait, Schmidt, I want you to have
104
00:03:07,247 --> 00:03:08,347
a relationship with your father.
105
00:03:08,415 --> 00:03:09,648
I really do, but I've been
106
00:03:09,716 --> 00:03:13,152
down this road so many times.
107
00:03:13,219 --> 00:03:15,521
He just shows up out of the boo,
108
00:03:15,588 --> 00:03:16,689
and then all of a sudden expects...
109
00:03:16,756 --> 00:03:17,790
It's "blue," it's "blue."
110
00:03:17,857 --> 00:03:19,491
Well, thanks, Eye-stein.
111
00:03:19,559 --> 00:03:23,696
He shows you a great time,
you get sucked in,
112
00:03:23,763 --> 00:03:25,998
then he disappears
and breaks your heart,
113
00:03:26,066 --> 00:03:28,233
and I'm left to pick up the pieces.
114
00:03:28,301 --> 00:03:30,636
My dad's taking me to...
115
00:03:30,704 --> 00:03:32,571
Miss Saigon tonight!
116
00:03:33,573 --> 00:03:34,707
And I'm not gonna get hurt.
117
00:03:34,774 --> 00:03:36,408
My dad never showed up.
118
00:03:36,476 --> 00:03:37,342
He didn't?
119
00:03:37,410 --> 00:03:39,044
It hurts so bad!
120
00:03:39,112 --> 00:03:40,412
You want a milkshake, cowboy?
121
00:03:42,148 --> 00:03:43,382
It's different now.
122
00:03:43,450 --> 00:03:44,650
I've heard that before.
123
00:03:44,718 --> 00:03:46,185
We're seeing Jersey Boys!
124
00:03:46,252 --> 00:03:47,932
Wait, this is your dad
we're talking about!
125
00:03:47,987 --> 00:03:49,388
And he's different now, Nick.
126
00:03:49,456 --> 00:03:52,057
[crying]: He's the same!
127
00:03:52,125 --> 00:03:53,192
I didn't have ice cream,
128
00:03:53,259 --> 00:03:54,727
so I just really shook up some milk.
129
00:03:54,794 --> 00:03:58,330
I'm older and I'm wiser,
and I'm not gonna get sucked in.
130
00:03:58,398 --> 00:03:59,518
We're gonna taste some wine,
131
00:03:59,566 --> 00:04:00,833
and then I'm gonna send him on his way.
132
00:04:00,900 --> 00:04:03,869
But, Nick, I'm plead...
I'm asking you...
133
00:04:03,937 --> 00:04:06,672
just be nice to him.
134
00:04:06,740 --> 00:04:09,374
All right, man. I will.
135
00:04:09,442 --> 00:04:12,111
If it means that much to you,
of course, I'll do it.
136
00:04:12,178 --> 00:04:13,011
Thank you.
137
00:04:13,079 --> 00:04:14,613
But if it goes poorly,
138
00:04:14,681 --> 00:04:16,281
I'm not putting Humpty Dumpty
back together again.
139
00:04:16,349 --> 00:04:17,349
Am I Humpty Dumpty?
140
00:04:17,383 --> 00:04:18,851
Yeah. I'm just not
141
00:04:18,918 --> 00:04:20,552
- doing it again.
- You won't have to.
142
00:04:20,620 --> 00:04:23,288
Also, nowhere in that rhyme
does it say he's an egg.
143
00:04:23,356 --> 00:04:25,157
He's most definitely an egg, Nick.
144
00:04:25,225 --> 00:04:28,861
So, what kind of king
uses all those resources
145
00:04:28,928 --> 00:04:31,530
to put together one egg?
146
00:04:31,598 --> 00:04:32,531
It's a parable.
147
00:04:32,599 --> 00:04:33,866
Humpty Dumpty is the king.
148
00:04:38,071 --> 00:04:40,572
Who told you that?
149
00:04:41,541 --> 00:04:42,875
[laughing]
150
00:04:42,942 --> 00:04:44,409
I've never seen him laugh like that.
151
00:04:44,477 --> 00:04:45,677
[both laughing] What do I do?
152
00:04:45,745 --> 00:04:47,412
Think of it this way: you're a dog,
153
00:04:47,480 --> 00:04:50,048
he's a fire hydrant,
you pee on him, girl.
154
00:04:50,116 --> 00:04:51,416
- Yeah.
- There you go.
155
00:04:51,484 --> 00:04:52,918
I'm gonna go lift a leg on him.
156
00:04:52,986 --> 00:04:54,219
There you go!
157
00:04:54,287 --> 00:04:56,255
- Hey.
- Oh, hey.
158
00:04:56,322 --> 00:04:58,223
So, Sam said he spilled
on the bird shirt
159
00:04:58,291 --> 00:04:59,691
and he had to take it off.
160
00:04:59,759 --> 00:05:01,326
He's putting on a brave face,
161
00:05:01,394 --> 00:05:04,496
but, poor thing, I know
he is just crushed.
162
00:05:04,564 --> 00:05:05,430
- Babe.
- What, babe?
163
00:05:05,498 --> 00:05:06,698
He doesn't like the shirt.
164
00:05:06,766 --> 00:05:07,866
- No, babe.
- Yeah, babe.
165
00:05:07,934 --> 00:05:09,034
- No, babe.
- Yeah, babe.
166
00:05:09,102 --> 00:05:11,036
No... babe.
167
00:05:11,104 --> 00:05:12,037
Yeah... babe.
168
00:05:12,105 --> 00:05:13,172
- No, babe.
- Yeah, babe.
169
00:05:13,239 --> 00:05:14,640
No... babe.
170
00:05:14,707 --> 00:05:16,208
Yeah... babe.
171
00:05:16,276 --> 00:05:17,543
No.
172
00:05:17,610 --> 00:05:18,710
Yeah.
173
00:05:18,778 --> 00:05:20,279
Babe.
174
00:05:20,346 --> 00:05:21,647
Sam, do you remember in med school
175
00:05:21,714 --> 00:05:23,348
when we got drunk and
sewed fins on that dead guy?
176
00:05:23,416 --> 00:05:24,783
[both laugh]
177
00:05:24,851 --> 00:05:25,851
We made a merman!
178
00:05:25,919 --> 00:05:26,819
[laughs]
179
00:05:26,886 --> 00:05:28,554
Hey, Sam, remember the other night
180
00:05:28,621 --> 00:05:31,857
when you ate all that
bad crab and, uh, you said,
181
00:05:31,925 --> 00:05:34,626
"Not tonight," and I said,
"Yeah, tonight,"
182
00:05:34,694 --> 00:05:36,728
and then you said, "No, not tonight,"
183
00:05:36,796 --> 00:05:39,498
and then the next night,
when you were feeling better,
184
00:05:39,566 --> 00:05:41,300
remember what we did?
185
00:05:41,367 --> 00:05:43,735
We... we had sex?
186
00:05:43,803 --> 00:05:44,837
Had sex!
187
00:05:44,904 --> 00:05:46,038
[Jess laughs]
188
00:05:46,105 --> 00:05:47,706
The kind where you need a snack after.
189
00:05:47,774 --> 00:05:48,774
Hey-o!
190
00:05:51,244 --> 00:05:52,744
[clears throat]
191
00:05:56,049 --> 00:05:57,583
Whoa.
192
00:06:00,153 --> 00:06:01,854
So, Jess,
193
00:06:01,921 --> 00:06:03,455
you're from Portland.
Do you, do you miss it?
194
00:06:03,523 --> 00:06:04,756
[coughing] Do you miss Portland?
195
00:06:04,824 --> 00:06:06,191
I mean, I feel like you never really...
196
00:06:06,259 --> 00:06:07,526
[Jess coughing]
197
00:06:07,594 --> 00:06:08,994
- You... are you okay?
- Oh, my God, are you choking?
198
00:06:09,062 --> 00:06:10,362
Is that what this is?
Oh, my God, stand up!
199
00:06:10,430 --> 00:06:11,363
Stand up, stand up!
200
00:06:11,431 --> 00:06:12,831
Get up, come here.
201
00:06:12,899 --> 00:06:14,099
Oh!
202
00:06:14,167 --> 00:06:15,167
[coughs]
203
00:06:15,201 --> 00:06:16,468
Here, sit down.
204
00:06:16,536 --> 00:06:17,970
[coughing]
205
00:06:19,205 --> 00:06:20,606
Thank you, Diane.
206
00:06:20,673 --> 00:06:22,040
You saved me.
207
00:06:22,108 --> 00:06:23,375
Any time.
208
00:06:23,443 --> 00:06:25,677
[sighs]
209
00:06:25,745 --> 00:06:27,946
Um, hey, Diane, um,
210
00:06:28,014 --> 00:06:32,284
would you like to go to
the ladies' room and freshen up?
211
00:06:32,352 --> 00:06:35,821
Yes, Jess, I would love to.
212
00:06:38,558 --> 00:06:39,858
I am so sorry.
213
00:06:39,926 --> 00:06:42,194
I'm really... I'm-I'm embarrassed.
214
00:06:42,262 --> 00:06:43,695
- Please, for what?
- No, I am.
215
00:06:43,763 --> 00:06:45,030
For marking your territory?
Look, I get it.
216
00:06:45,098 --> 00:06:47,699
But I was acting childish
and dumb and jealous,
217
00:06:47,767 --> 00:06:48,834
and-and I...
218
00:06:48,902 --> 00:06:50,669
I see why Sam likes you.
219
00:06:50,737 --> 00:06:52,537
Well, I see why he likes you, too.
220
00:06:52,605 --> 00:06:53,972
Will you forgive me?
221
00:06:54,040 --> 00:06:56,074
I have guy friends, and I don't know why
222
00:06:56,142 --> 00:06:59,544
I would just assume that
you're wildly in love with him.
223
00:06:59,612 --> 00:07:00,812
Oh, no, I am.
224
00:07:00,880 --> 00:07:02,915
[laughs]
225
00:07:02,982 --> 00:07:04,116
No, really, I am.
226
00:07:04,183 --> 00:07:06,318
[laughs]
227
00:07:06,386 --> 00:07:07,319
Seriously, I am.
228
00:07:07,387 --> 00:07:09,354
[laughs]
229
00:07:09,422 --> 00:07:11,490
Jess, I'm-I'm in love with Sam.
230
00:07:12,692 --> 00:07:14,126
[whispers]: Oh, balls.
231
00:07:15,190 --> 00:07:17,190
Now this varietal gained prominence
232
00:07:17,216 --> 00:07:20,131
in the '30s as an Italian driving wine.
233
00:07:20,209 --> 00:07:22,243
Now they call it a picnic wine,
234
00:07:22,312 --> 00:07:24,146
but we know what they're up to.
235
00:07:24,214 --> 00:07:25,281
But as they say,
236
00:07:25,348 --> 00:07:26,916
"Wine is fine,
237
00:07:26,983 --> 00:07:28,651
but bourbon is schwervin'."
238
00:07:31,054 --> 00:07:32,454
I think I got a buzz.
239
00:07:32,522 --> 00:07:33,522
Yeah, me too.
240
00:07:34,057 --> 00:07:35,090
Hang on.
241
00:07:35,158 --> 00:07:37,092
Uh, you're gonna like this.
242
00:07:41,464 --> 00:07:44,266
How much hooch do you have
stored in this place,
243
00:07:44,334 --> 00:07:45,734
you mountain person?
244
00:07:45,802 --> 00:07:47,002
Prohibition happened once.
245
00:07:47,070 --> 00:07:48,137
NICK and GAVIN: It can happen again.
246
00:07:48,205 --> 00:07:49,205
Yeah.
247
00:07:50,640 --> 00:07:52,341
It was pretty easy to see
where you were going with that.
248
00:07:52,409 --> 00:07:53,843
Look at the two of you.
249
00:07:53,910 --> 00:07:56,679
Bonding over the thing that numbs you.
250
00:07:56,746 --> 00:07:58,447
[Nick and Gavin laugh]
251
00:07:58,515 --> 00:08:00,749
Smell this. Smell this.
252
00:08:00,817 --> 00:08:01,309
Oh!
253
00:08:01,335 --> 00:08:02,810
Let me get a whiff. Let me get a whiff.
254
00:08:02,853 --> 00:08:03,853
Oh!
255
00:08:03,920 --> 00:08:04,920
Hurts so good.
256
00:08:07,591 --> 00:08:08,724
Sam.
257
00:08:08,792 --> 00:08:09,859
Guess who
258
00:08:09,926 --> 00:08:11,246
the luckiest boy in the world is?
259
00:08:11,294 --> 00:08:12,294
It's you.
260
00:08:13,330 --> 00:08:15,531
It's an extra bird shirt, huh?
261
00:08:15,599 --> 00:08:17,132
I keep an extra one in my car,
262
00:08:17,200 --> 00:08:19,235
just in case I get
interviewed on television.
263
00:08:19,302 --> 00:08:20,936
Oh. Thank you.
264
00:08:27,310 --> 00:08:29,078
Put on the bird shirt, Sam.
265
00:08:29,145 --> 00:08:30,379
I will.
266
00:08:30,447 --> 00:08:31,547
When?
267
00:08:31,615 --> 00:08:33,482
When I don't have to
268
00:08:33,550 --> 00:08:37,286
take my other shirt off
in a bar full of people.
269
00:09:00,343 --> 00:09:01,877
- Ten years?!
- Yeah.
270
00:09:01,945 --> 00:09:03,178
You didn't tell him for ten years?
271
00:09:03,246 --> 00:09:04,179
I did.
272
00:09:04,247 --> 00:09:05,381
Well, I tried to.
273
00:09:05,448 --> 00:09:07,383
Um, our second year of med school,
274
00:09:07,450 --> 00:09:09,251
he went to work
with Doctors Without Borders.
275
00:09:09,319 --> 00:09:11,239
Well, so I didn't,
I didn't know when I was gonna
276
00:09:11,288 --> 00:09:12,888
see him again, and, um,
277
00:09:12,956 --> 00:09:14,996
one night, I-I just sat down
and wrote him a letter.
278
00:09:15,025 --> 00:09:16,392
- [gasps]
- And everything came out, you know,
279
00:09:16,459 --> 00:09:18,127
everything that I was
feeling, everything that
280
00:09:18,194 --> 00:09:19,361
I had been holding back.
281
00:09:19,429 --> 00:09:21,230
Yeah. I love letters.
282
00:09:21,298 --> 00:09:22,064
I know, me too.
283
00:09:22,132 --> 00:09:23,465
We have so much in common.
284
00:09:23,533 --> 00:09:25,267
Arguably too much.
285
00:09:25,335 --> 00:09:26,635
- Mm.
- But keep going.
286
00:09:26,703 --> 00:09:29,939
Well... Sam never responded.
287
00:09:30,006 --> 00:09:32,041
[scoffs]
288
00:09:32,108 --> 00:09:34,310
I just figured he didn't
want to embarrass me, you know?
289
00:09:34,377 --> 00:09:36,979
I mean, I-it's hard when
you're friends with a guy first.
290
00:09:37,047 --> 00:09:38,113
So...
291
00:09:38,181 --> 00:09:39,648
he came home, and we just
292
00:09:39,716 --> 00:09:42,217
kept on like normal,
and it was really painful,
293
00:09:42,285 --> 00:09:44,420
but I-I couldn't lose him as a friend.
294
00:09:44,487 --> 00:09:46,822
Of course you couldn't.
295
00:09:46,890 --> 00:09:51,126
Then... last week,
this came in the mail.
296
00:09:51,194 --> 00:09:51,994
[gasps]
297
00:09:52,062 --> 00:09:54,830
"Return to sender."
298
00:09:56,132 --> 00:09:58,000
He never got it.
299
00:09:58,068 --> 00:10:00,135
- Oh, my God.
- Yeah.
300
00:10:00,203 --> 00:10:02,004
He never knew how you felt.
301
00:10:02,072 --> 00:10:06,475
No, and I-I came here tonight to
give him this letter and then...
302
00:10:06,543 --> 00:10:08,310
What happened?
303
00:10:08,378 --> 00:10:09,845
I met you.
304
00:10:09,913 --> 00:10:11,013
Oh, right.
305
00:10:11,081 --> 00:10:12,181
- Me.
- Mm.
306
00:10:12,248 --> 00:10:13,983
Here.
307
00:10:14,050 --> 00:10:16,752
I can't throw it away,
but I can't give it to him.
308
00:10:16,820 --> 00:10:20,522
Don't worry, Jess, you...
you didn't do anything wrong.
309
00:10:20,590 --> 00:10:23,025
I'm not the one for Sam.
310
00:10:23,093 --> 00:10:24,360
You are.
311
00:10:24,427 --> 00:10:26,929
I'm gonna be really honest.
312
00:10:26,997 --> 00:10:31,133
Um, I'm having a-a very hard time
313
00:10:31,201 --> 00:10:33,469
rooting for myself right now.
314
00:10:38,717 --> 00:10:42,386
That was the most romantic story
I've ever heard.
315
00:10:42,454 --> 00:10:43,888
And I don't want to get between them.
316
00:10:43,956 --> 00:10:45,089
Or do I?
317
00:10:45,157 --> 00:10:46,357
I love Sam,
318
00:10:46,425 --> 00:10:47,419
and I don't want to throw it all away
319
00:10:47,445 --> 00:10:51,682
because she couldn't figure out
how to buy a Forever stamp.
320
00:10:51,708 --> 00:10:53,910
Just because you give Sam
this letter, it does not mean
321
00:10:53,911 --> 00:10:55,942
that he's automatically
gonna choose Diane.
322
00:10:56,009 --> 00:10:57,610
- Yeah. Yeah.
- Yeah.
323
00:10:57,678 --> 00:11:01,180
[scoffs] Damn it.
324
00:11:01,248 --> 00:11:02,348
Look at them.
325
00:11:03,584 --> 00:11:07,653
Moon river
326
00:11:07,721 --> 00:11:10,189
Wider than a mile
327
00:11:10,257 --> 00:11:12,725
I'm crossing you in style...
328
00:11:12,793 --> 00:11:15,128
This song isn't even on our jukebox.
329
00:11:15,195 --> 00:11:16,629
You know what, that's it.
330
00:11:16,697 --> 00:11:20,299
I'm-I'm not losing Sam
because I'm some dumb romantic.
331
00:11:20,367 --> 00:11:22,902
Cece, get rid of this letter.
332
00:11:22,970 --> 00:11:23,970
Lett'r done.
333
00:11:24,037 --> 00:11:25,371
Good-bye, Diane.
334
00:11:25,439 --> 00:11:29,008
Go back to fixing feet,
you sweet saint of a woman.
335
00:11:29,076 --> 00:11:30,243
You must be so proud of me.
336
00:11:30,310 --> 00:11:33,312
I'm finally being practical
and realistic,
337
00:11:33,380 --> 00:11:35,715
and not some moony-eyed freak
338
00:11:35,782 --> 00:11:37,483
who's seen too many romantic comedies.
339
00:11:37,551 --> 00:11:38,751
I'm basically being you.
340
00:11:38,819 --> 00:11:40,686
Not anymore, pal.
341
00:11:40,754 --> 00:11:43,523
Schmidt's made me
weak in my stupid knees.
342
00:11:43,590 --> 00:11:44,991
I don't know.
343
00:11:45,058 --> 00:11:47,527
This past year
with Schmidt's changed me.
344
00:11:47,594 --> 00:11:50,196
It's made me believe in love stories.
345
00:11:50,264 --> 00:11:52,431
Is that why you were crying
during the bank commercial
346
00:11:52,499 --> 00:11:54,200
where the two old people
were texting each other?
347
00:11:54,268 --> 00:11:55,701
- Jessica...
- I know.
348
00:11:55,769 --> 00:11:57,870
They now have the money
that they need...
349
00:11:57,938 --> 00:12:00,891
No, I know... to be buried together.
350
00:12:01,102 --> 00:12:02,108
[laughs]
351
00:12:02,176 --> 00:12:04,277
We both know that
you're not gonna be able
352
00:12:04,344 --> 00:12:06,979
to live with yourself if you
don't give this letter to Sam.
353
00:12:07,047 --> 00:12:08,814
Yeah.
354
00:12:10,751 --> 00:12:12,218
What if I lose him?
355
00:12:12,286 --> 00:12:14,353
Well, then you'll at least know, babe.
356
00:12:14,421 --> 00:12:15,888
It's not your love story.
357
00:12:17,558 --> 00:12:19,125
Oh.
358
00:12:19,193 --> 00:12:21,194
I have something to tell you.
359
00:12:21,261 --> 00:12:23,296
The old man in the bank commercial,
360
00:12:23,363 --> 00:12:26,799
um, played a Nazi in Schindler's List.
361
00:12:26,867 --> 00:12:28,568
Does that change anything?
362
00:12:31,605 --> 00:12:33,172
SCHMIDT: I made a model
of our wedding venue.
363
00:12:33,240 --> 00:12:34,407
NICK: Wow.
364
00:12:34,474 --> 00:12:37,176
Your wine is so good,
I really want to showcase it
365
00:12:37,244 --> 00:12:38,878
and-and put the bar here.
366
00:12:38,946 --> 00:12:41,681
It's where they store
the drums of wild chemicals,
367
00:12:41,748 --> 00:12:43,549
but I'm pretty sure they're empty now.
368
00:12:43,617 --> 00:12:45,718
Yeah, it's empty except for
the big puddle that never dries.
369
00:12:45,786 --> 00:12:46,719
GAVIN: Oh, it'll be fine.
370
00:12:46,787 --> 00:12:47,887
With your mother there,
371
00:12:47,955 --> 00:12:49,722
that puddle will get drunk.
372
00:12:49,790 --> 00:12:51,424
How about we grab some dinner?
373
00:12:51,491 --> 00:12:53,759
[chuckles] Together?
374
00:12:53,827 --> 00:12:55,661
You...
375
00:12:55,729 --> 00:12:57,263
Yeah, no, I'd like that very much.
376
00:12:57,331 --> 00:12:58,531
I'm gonna run home.
377
00:12:58,599 --> 00:13:00,433
Obviously, I can't wear
these shoes to dinner.
378
00:13:00,500 --> 00:13:01,701
Ha, can you imagine?
379
00:13:01,768 --> 00:13:04,370
I'll see you.
380
00:13:06,607 --> 00:13:08,874
I'm going to dinner with my dad.
381
00:13:08,942 --> 00:13:09,775
[door closes]
382
00:13:09,843 --> 00:13:10,843
This is so great, man.
383
00:13:10,911 --> 00:13:11,944
Yeah, it's great.
384
00:13:12,012 --> 00:13:13,412
You guys are finally getting along.
385
00:13:13,447 --> 00:13:14,780
You were like,
"We've been down this road."
386
00:13:14,848 --> 00:13:16,782
It's great. I just want to check in.
387
00:13:16,850 --> 00:13:18,184
Y-You said you weren't
gonna get sucked in,
388
00:13:18,252 --> 00:13:19,885
and it seems like
you're getting sucked in.
389
00:13:19,953 --> 00:13:20,987
Sucked in? I'm not getting sucked in.
390
00:13:21,054 --> 00:13:22,054
If anybody's getting sucked,
391
00:13:22,122 --> 00:13:23,623
it's just me sucking myself in.
392
00:13:25,025 --> 00:13:26,325
- No, I know how that sounded.
- Yeah.
393
00:13:26,393 --> 00:13:27,526
- But you, I mean you...
- You good?
394
00:13:27,594 --> 00:13:28,828
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
395
00:13:30,697 --> 00:13:32,331
[door closes]
396
00:13:32,399 --> 00:13:34,200
Hey, uh, Gavin, hold up.
397
00:13:34,268 --> 00:13:38,304
Um... I feel like I can say this
to you because, well,
398
00:13:38,372 --> 00:13:40,239
you know, we shared a cup.
399
00:13:41,481 --> 00:13:43,649
You really live by a specific code.
400
00:13:43,675 --> 00:13:44,942
Look, we both know
401
00:13:45,010 --> 00:13:45,958
how this is gonna go down, Gavin.
402
00:13:45,959 --> 00:13:47,792
You're gonna get
Schmidt's expectations up,
403
00:13:47,860 --> 00:13:49,461
and then you're gonna bail.
404
00:13:52,298 --> 00:13:53,565
I know.
405
00:13:53,633 --> 00:13:55,233
Just be better.
406
00:13:55,749 --> 00:13:57,416
Be his dad.
407
00:13:58,204 --> 00:14:00,939
Just be there for him,
even when it's not fun,
408
00:14:01,007 --> 00:14:03,241
and sometimes it's really not fun.
409
00:14:03,309 --> 00:14:04,843
I know.
410
00:14:04,911 --> 00:14:08,180
I've been doing it for 15 years.
411
00:14:08,247 --> 00:14:10,148
- Thank you.
- Don't thank me.
412
00:14:10,216 --> 00:14:12,451
Just promise me if you show up
for dinner tonight,
413
00:14:12,518 --> 00:14:15,787
you'll show up tomorrow and the
day after and the week after,
414
00:14:15,855 --> 00:14:17,856
and basically forever.
415
00:14:18,925 --> 00:14:20,692
I will be there.
416
00:14:20,760 --> 00:14:22,160
Will you, Gavin?
417
00:14:22,228 --> 00:14:24,196
Will you?
418
00:14:24,263 --> 00:14:25,430
Will you, Gavin?
419
00:14:25,498 --> 00:14:27,499
I will.
420
00:14:27,567 --> 00:14:28,867
Will you?
421
00:14:30,937 --> 00:14:32,371
Will you, Gavin?
422
00:14:32,438 --> 00:14:34,106
You're really dragging this out.
423
00:14:34,173 --> 00:14:35,974
No, I've already gone through
everything I had rehearsed.
424
00:14:36,042 --> 00:14:38,042
I really thought the elevator
would be here by now.
425
00:14:38,077 --> 00:14:39,711
We could talk about other stuff.
426
00:14:41,005 --> 00:14:42,305
Can we, Gavin?
427
00:14:42,749 --> 00:14:43,749
Can we?
428
00:14:43,783 --> 00:14:45,350
Yeah.
429
00:14:45,418 --> 00:14:47,418
[elevator bell dings]
Can we, Gavin? Oh, thank God.
430
00:14:49,018 --> 00:14:52,002
I'm getting my birthday
present at an airport hotel?
431
00:14:52,549 --> 00:14:56,512
Oh, my God, are you taking me on
a trip to meet my birth mother?
432
00:14:56,661 --> 00:14:56,930
Oh.
433
00:14:56,957 --> 00:14:58,386
No, wait. [laughs]
434
00:14:58,449 --> 00:14:59,883
Um, no.
435
00:14:59,951 --> 00:15:02,686
Uh, it's, uh...
I have a surprise for you,
436
00:15:02,753 --> 00:15:04,821
but it's not exactly a present.
437
00:15:04,889 --> 00:15:06,523
Um, just wait here.
438
00:15:06,591 --> 00:15:07,857
Okay.
439
00:15:07,925 --> 00:15:10,660
Look, I want you to know
that no matter what happens,
440
00:15:10,728 --> 00:15:12,829
no-no matter how this turns out...
441
00:15:12,897 --> 00:15:16,366
and by "this," you'll-you'll
see what I'm talking about...
442
00:15:16,434 --> 00:15:19,703
I want you to be happy.
443
00:15:19,770 --> 00:15:23,139
And I want you to be happy.
444
00:15:23,207 --> 00:15:26,309
But what did you want me to be
before this moment?
445
00:15:26,377 --> 00:15:28,345
Don't let me get a ticket, okay?
446
00:15:34,085 --> 00:15:35,251
Jess?
447
00:15:36,287 --> 00:15:37,387
Tell Sam.
448
00:15:39,256 --> 00:15:42,192
He-he deserves to know how you feel.
449
00:15:44,395 --> 00:15:48,698
Wow, you are either really cool
or really cocky.
450
00:15:48,766 --> 00:15:51,935
You are either
really cool or really cocky.
451
00:15:52,003 --> 00:15:53,370
Thank you.
452
00:16:02,919 --> 00:16:03,954
[knocking]
453
00:16:06,050 --> 00:16:09,119
I should've been more clear.
He's downstairs.
454
00:16:12,857 --> 00:16:15,725
I just want to let you know,
my shift is up, so Jason will
455
00:16:15,793 --> 00:16:17,994
be getting bummed out by you
for the rest of the night.
456
00:16:22,466 --> 00:16:24,334
Somebody order a milkshake, cowboy?
457
00:16:26,404 --> 00:16:27,971
Well, Nick, you were right.
458
00:16:28,039 --> 00:16:29,873
I got sucked in.
459
00:16:29,940 --> 00:16:31,641
He was a car wash vacuum,
460
00:16:31,709 --> 00:16:33,977
and I was just a stray pistachio.
461
00:16:34,045 --> 00:16:36,246
Listen, Schmidt, it's my fault.
462
00:16:37,281 --> 00:16:39,549
I got real with him and he split.
463
00:16:39,617 --> 00:16:42,052
It's not your fault.
You didn't do anything wrong.
464
00:16:42,119 --> 00:16:43,253
And, Nick?
465
00:16:43,320 --> 00:16:44,320
Yeah?
466
00:16:46,123 --> 00:16:48,024
Thank you.
467
00:16:48,092 --> 00:16:49,259
Thanks for what?
468
00:16:49,326 --> 00:16:50,994
For being there.
469
00:16:53,497 --> 00:16:55,665
What are you doing right now?
470
00:16:57,702 --> 00:16:59,335
[groans loudly]
471
00:16:59,403 --> 00:17:00,770
- Yeah, man.
- I like red meat.
472
00:17:00,838 --> 00:17:02,105
Yeah, yeah, no, beef.
473
00:17:02,173 --> 00:17:03,506
- Sexy ladies.
- Boobs.
474
00:17:03,574 --> 00:17:04,808
- Moobs.
- B-Boobs.
475
00:17:04,875 --> 00:17:06,376
- Big boobs.
- Yeah.
476
00:17:06,444 --> 00:17:07,811
Let's get out of here.
Let's get out of here.
477
00:17:07,878 --> 00:17:09,345
Oh, don't, don't, don't!
478
00:17:09,413 --> 00:17:11,815
Wait! Wait, guys, wait.
479
00:17:12,455 --> 00:17:14,290
I know I should have
been here an hour ago,
480
00:17:14,357 --> 00:17:15,557
but I was at the warehouse
481
00:17:15,625 --> 00:17:16,936
getting your security deposit back.
482
00:17:16,937 --> 00:17:17,838
Why would you...
483
00:17:17,905 --> 00:17:19,072
Let me finish, trust me.
484
00:17:19,140 --> 00:17:21,041
That slumlord wouldn't give it to me
485
00:17:21,109 --> 00:17:24,678
unless I cleaned the place,
and once I started...
486
00:17:24,746 --> 00:17:26,747
I don't know if you know,
but I'm a little OCD.
487
00:17:26,814 --> 00:17:28,482
- Me, too.
- Yeah, it runs in the family.
488
00:17:28,549 --> 00:17:30,884
Your grandfather had to touch
every lamppost he passed.
489
00:17:30,952 --> 00:17:31,852
He couldn't hold a job.
490
00:17:31,919 --> 00:17:33,019
Until he got a job
491
00:17:33,087 --> 00:17:34,221
as a lamppost repair man.
492
00:17:34,288 --> 00:17:35,422
Why wouldn't you just call?
493
00:17:35,490 --> 00:17:37,090
Oh, I got kicked in the back of the head
494
00:17:37,125 --> 00:17:39,025
by some kids who were
using that dump as a place
495
00:17:39,093 --> 00:17:40,393
to practice their urban dancing.
496
00:17:40,461 --> 00:17:42,262
They-they were honestly pretty good,
497
00:17:42,330 --> 00:17:45,165
until they beat me and took my phone.
498
00:17:45,233 --> 00:17:47,567
And my wallet and my watch.
499
00:17:47,635 --> 00:17:49,903
I had to run over here... well, actually
500
00:17:49,971 --> 00:17:53,039
it was... it was more of a...
a walk-jog.
501
00:17:53,107 --> 00:17:54,107
I threw up once.
502
00:17:57,411 --> 00:17:59,980
I'm not very good
at doing the right thing
503
00:18:00,047 --> 00:18:01,815
when it comes to you.
504
00:18:03,417 --> 00:18:06,520
But I wanted to start tonight.
505
00:18:07,588 --> 00:18:09,823
You are not getting married
506
00:18:09,891 --> 00:18:11,391
at that slaughterhouse.
507
00:18:11,459 --> 00:18:14,194
Okay, well, then where am I
getting married?
508
00:18:14,262 --> 00:18:15,262
At my vineyard.
509
00:18:17,265 --> 00:18:19,399
If you want.
510
00:18:19,467 --> 00:18:21,868
It'll be beautiful.
511
00:18:21,936 --> 00:18:23,203
I talked to Cece.
512
00:18:23,271 --> 00:18:24,638
She said it's up to you.
513
00:18:24,705 --> 00:18:26,973
I just want you to know, either way,
514
00:18:27,041 --> 00:18:30,076
I'm all in from here on out.
515
00:18:37,118 --> 00:18:39,986
We're getting married at a vineyard.
516
00:18:40,054 --> 00:18:42,923
Yes! Yes.
517
00:18:42,990 --> 00:18:43,857
Getting married at a vineyard.
518
00:18:43,925 --> 00:18:44,758
GAVIN: Yes.
519
00:18:44,826 --> 00:18:46,827
Yes, yes.
520
00:18:48,729 --> 00:18:50,330
So, you just left him there to talk?
521
00:18:50,398 --> 00:18:53,667
Yep, I abandoned my own car,
522
00:18:53,734 --> 00:18:57,437
and now, for all I know,
Sam and Diane are tearing apart
523
00:18:57,505 --> 00:18:59,606
a business-friendly hotel room together.
524
00:18:59,674 --> 00:19:01,007
Well, I'm really proud of you.
525
00:19:01,075 --> 00:19:02,976
I know that it was hard,
but it's the only way
526
00:19:03,044 --> 00:19:04,764
you're gonna find out
what you need to know.
527
00:19:05,713 --> 00:19:07,514
Thanks.
528
00:19:07,582 --> 00:19:09,182
This might sound like a cry for help,
529
00:19:09,250 --> 00:19:10,951
but I promise you it's not.
530
00:19:11,018 --> 00:19:13,220
Um, I'm gonna go to my room
and I'm gonna watch videos
531
00:19:13,287 --> 00:19:15,722
of dogs waiting for their
dead owners to come back.
532
00:19:15,790 --> 00:19:17,057
Mm-hmm.
533
00:19:18,726 --> 00:19:20,493
Cece, you want to know what I think?
534
00:19:20,561 --> 00:19:21,962
Mm, not really.
535
00:19:22,029 --> 00:19:23,797
I think there are people
who get bird shirts,
536
00:19:23,865 --> 00:19:26,132
and there are people who don't.
537
00:19:26,200 --> 00:19:29,703
Jessica Day needs to be
with a bird shirt person.
538
00:19:29,770 --> 00:19:32,505
Am I a bird shirt person?
539
00:19:32,573 --> 00:19:36,009
Oh, Cece, why do you always
have to make things about you?
540
00:19:36,077 --> 00:19:38,011
[knocking at door]
541
00:19:41,415 --> 00:19:43,884
Sam, hello.
542
00:19:46,487 --> 00:19:47,988
[kisses]
543
00:19:48,055 --> 00:19:49,990
I forgive you.
544
00:19:50,057 --> 00:19:52,325
Okay. Okay.
545
00:19:52,393 --> 00:19:53,493
Is Jess here?
546
00:19:54,562 --> 00:19:56,029
She is.
547
00:20:03,638 --> 00:20:05,038
[dog whining over laptop]
548
00:20:07,408 --> 00:20:08,174
Hey.
549
00:20:08,242 --> 00:20:09,709
- Hey. [chuckles]
- Hey.
550
00:20:10,611 --> 00:20:13,179
I'm just, uh...
551
00:20:13,247 --> 00:20:14,848
Yeah, I'm really nervous,
552
00:20:14,916 --> 00:20:17,083
so I'm just gonna ask you
an innocuous question.
553
00:20:17,151 --> 00:20:19,853
Um... did you bring my car back?
554
00:20:19,921 --> 00:20:22,722
Yes, I have got your keys right here.
555
00:20:22,790 --> 00:20:24,090
Thanks.
556
00:20:25,826 --> 00:20:29,729
Look, what you did for me today was...
557
00:20:29,797 --> 00:20:33,700
the most selfless thing
anyone has ever done for me.
558
00:20:36,671 --> 00:20:38,905
Whatever...
559
00:20:38,973 --> 00:20:43,376
if there was ever a time
for me and Diane, it's passed.
560
00:20:43,444 --> 00:20:45,979
And when I read the letter,
it just reminded me
561
00:20:46,047 --> 00:20:48,882
how much that's true.
562
00:20:55,456 --> 00:20:57,023
[chuckles]
563
00:20:57,091 --> 00:20:59,592
Now that I know
you like letters, watch out.
564
00:20:59,660 --> 00:21:02,495
I have to say, that was
the strangest birthday surprise
565
00:21:02,563 --> 00:21:04,064
I have ever been given.
566
00:21:04,131 --> 00:21:06,232
Well, Winston took
my bird shirt idea, so...
567
00:21:06,300 --> 00:21:07,667
[laughs]
568
00:21:07,735 --> 00:21:09,102
You know what, one of these days,
569
00:21:09,170 --> 00:21:10,570
I'm gonna get you to laugh
with your mouth open.
570
00:21:10,638 --> 00:21:12,205
I know you will. That's what she said.
571
00:21:12,273 --> 00:21:13,606
No, that's not gonna do it.
572
00:21:13,674 --> 00:21:14,574
That's what she said.
573
00:21:14,642 --> 00:21:15,842
You just said the same thing.
574
00:21:15,910 --> 00:21:17,510
[Italian accent]:
Now that's what she said.
575
00:21:17,578 --> 00:21:18,545
That's... What accent is that?
576
00:21:18,612 --> 00:21:19,879
- It's Italian.
- Oh, really?
577
00:21:19,947 --> 00:21:22,115
- That's what she said!
- Nope, that didn't
578
00:21:22,183 --> 00:21:23,183
- do it, either.
- That's what she said.
579
00:21:23,250 --> 00:21:24,617
Now you're just changing the stress.
580
00:21:24,685 --> 00:21:26,052
That's what she said?
581
00:21:26,127 --> 00:21:28,128
- Maybe you should stop.
- [laughs]
582
00:21:29,281 --> 00:21:31,761
- JESS: That's what she said. Ooh.- SAM: Ooh. That was closer.
583
00:21:31,815 --> 00:21:33,555
- Synced and corrected by hawken45 -
- www.addic7ed.com -
584
00:21:33,605 --> 00:21:38,155
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