Original subtitles

Well, that one diner has the best bacon.

- Great bacon. - So I don't know.

Ugh, come on, guys. Please, God, we're entering minute 20

of the great brunch debate.

The other diner does have that special fruit cup.

- Other diner. Fruit cup. Let's go. - However,

when I think about it, huge crowd

- looking for that special fruit cup. - Smart.

So now we got to think line versus bacon.

Please, I am starving.

Make a decision. Oh, hi.

Do you guys want to join us? We are going

for brunch in seven days.

Hybrid meals are for people who are too lazy

to wake up for a proper breakfast.

Besides, we're looking for a wedding venue today.

Good luck with these two, because if they get

- really hungry, then all bets are off. - Curveball...

- maybe we roast a turkey. - Have either of you ever made

a decision in your lives?

- I make decisions all the time. - Disrespectful.

- What's the last decision that you made? - First of all,

you got to make a decision if you gonna make a decision.

- You know what I mean? - (whistles, mimics explosion)

Of course we make decisions. How do you think

I'm wearing clothes right now?

I laid those out for you, Nick.

- But I decided to let you. - This is

your whole problem. Imagine how much better your life would be

- if you could just make a decision. - She's just mad

because she had a bunch of dumb brunch ideas,

- you damn fool. (laughs) - (laughs)

Okay. Uh, well, what about this? I will sleep

with one of you tonight if you can just decide who.

Synced and corrected by Chitorafa www.addic7ed.com

- Are you... are you serious? - I mean,

we're talking about a one-time thing and you can't

get weird afterwards, but, yeah, I'm...

down for, like, a fun half hour.

- And you would be there? - Yes.

You would physically be there?

Yes.

Can it... be nice?

Well, that's on you. Let me know by 9:00.

- What if we die before then? - There's not much I can do about that.

Okay, you know what, you know what, we'll discuss this

amongst ourselves. I mean, uh,

nobody wants to see how the sausage is made,

- am I right? - No, they don't. To the sausage factory.

- What? - That's not what I meant.

- Yeah. Let's go. - All right.

- Thank you for the opportunity. - Good luck

- with your decision. - (door closes)

At what cost?

One sexual barracuda to another,

I see what you're doing.

You're doing it for the story.

You want to see how deep the abyss goes.

You want to look that monster straight into the eye.

Maybe it's so bad that it's good.

But it's not good. It's b... it's bad.

CECE: Okay, honey, calm down.

- She's not actually gonna do it. - No,

I'm trying to teach them a lesson.

This isn't an '80s summer camp movie.

I'm not gonna sleep with somebody based on a bet.

I'm just... I was just kind of playing along

with the whole thing just in case they were listening at the door.

Something about "summer camp moogie."

"Summer camp moogie."

No, no, no. I got nothing.

This isn't real, right?

It can't be. (laughs)

- I mean... - I mean, it can't be.

- Why would it be? - But on the off chance that it is,

we need to take this extremely seriously.

You're absolutely right. Okay, okay. Well, what do you suggest?

(sputters) We do a gentlemen's debate.

A gentlemen's debate.

We calmly discuss who merits this opportunity

and we come to a decision based off respect and politeness.

I agree. So...

please proceed, sir.

Thank you, sir.

You're welcome, sir.

(chuckling)

Okay.

The gentleman knows that I have a monster crush on Reagan.

But because this is such a powerful argument

in my favor, I politely take it off the table.

In that case, the gentleman politely...

thanks you.

Hmm. The gentleman was sure that the other gentleman

would not be such a jerk

and let his friend's dreams come true.

Perhaps I'm not dealing with a gentleman at all.

Perhaps I'm dealing with a dingus.

- Did you call me a dingus? - You're acting like a dingus.

How can I be a dingus when you're the damn dingus?

- You're the dingus. You're the d... - You're-you're... you are...

- Oh. Hey. - Hey. - Looking forward

- to sex later. - Well, that makesthree of...

- That makes two of us. - Well, get ready

for the skin circus, you little peanut.

Okay.

Whoa.

I was put in an awkward situation,

- and I reacted poorly. - Oh, whoa.

Everything rides on this decision.

You know, the venue is the axle of the wedding chariot.

I know that you have dreamed about this day

since you were a little boy, but we are paying for this out

of our own pocket, okay? So we cannot get carried away.

Okay.

- MAN: Yeah. - (door opens)

- MAN: Oh, I see... - Okay, this could work.

(instrument crackling)

- (crackling continues) - Yeah... Huh?

(grunts)

- Oh, my God. No. - Oh!

Some tea lights

and flowers and this place could be nice.

It's like a Mumford & Sons music video, yeah?

Is there hay in here?

We're looking for

the vacant warehouse for the wedding venue?

- Vacant warehouse? - They're closing us down.

We're all getting fired.

- Grab what you can! - Hey, you guys, kind of not cool.

You were supposed to text me before you got here. Okay.

Can everyone just take a seat, please?

- Can you just stop t... - (woman whimpering)

Hey, you...

WINSTON: Me owe you? You ditched me

when we were supposed to run away from home together.

I built that raft for nothing!

We could do this all day, but I have actual feelings for her.

I thought you said feelings were off the table.

Well, I'm putting 'em back on the table.

I'm gonna settle this right here, right now.

- Do it. - Cindy...

No.

...De La Garza.

- Oh. - Huh, so look at me.

Look at me. Let it affect you.

You knew I had a crush on Cindy De La Garza,

- and you Frenched her anyway. - (gasps)

Frenching! They're Frenching! They're Fren...

Chaperone!

They're Frenching! (shouts)

I had dibs on her since the fifth grade, dude!

- If I could un-French her, I would. - You owe me this.

I knew that French was gonna haunt me.

You called dibs... and I screwed up.

- What you gonna say? What you gonna say? - It's you.

Oh, yes. Man, that girl better get ready

for some kind, attentive lovemaking. Oh.

Hey, uh, have you guys seen my purple sweater?

Uh, no. And, by the way, we've made our decision.

Wow. That was fast. You have until 9:00.

We don't need it.

You'll be having Winston.

- That's me. I'm Winston. - Great. Don't eat

for two hours before. I'm really looking forward to it.

Bring your A-game, okay? Any previous injuries

that I need to know about? Bring something

to numb your mouth.

Oh. Look.

The sweater was in my hand the whole time.

You know, this woman requested my A-game.

My A-game. Maybe it's hopeless that I could even

please this woman sexually. What am I thinking, Winston?

Just focus on yourself. Concentrate on yourself sexually, Winston.

No, Winston, that is not your way.

I just want to head off any discussion of what your way is.

I'm so sorry. I'm just feeling a little insecure about my body

and the way it is connected to my face.

Bishop... (sighs)

you have nothing to worry about.

Really?

Yeah.

Okay. What's my best feature?

Instant regret. Instant.

The second I said it, I was like...

- If you had to pick. - Fine.

You have very nice...

- That's our suspect. He's taking off! - What?

- Okay. - (siren wailing)

Okay, I'll let you take point on this one,

because I got to protect my duke for later.

Oh, you suck so much.

Has that park always been a pet cemetery

or were just crazy people burying a dog there?

Well, I'm not even close to giving up.

Why don't we just pop in here?

Oh, really? We just "happened" upon The Lisbon, Schmidt?

Purely a coincidence that we... made it just on time

for the appointment that I made a month ago.

Why are you doing this to yourself?

(classical music playing)

Ah. Mr. Schmidt.

May I offer you a beverage?

Perhaps an organic cucumber vodka spritzer?

Yes.

It is so beautiful. I feel like I'm inside Cate Blanchett.

We get that a lot.

I've got to say, I'm pretty impressed

with how quickly you guys came to that decision.

Well, that's 'cause you don't know how mature we are.

You see, Winston had dibs on Cindy De La Garza since the fifth grade,

I Frenched her in the eighth grade, so...

So about 20 years ago Winston had a three-year-old dib,

he never acted on it, and now you're the bad guy?

(laughs): Oh, Reagan.

First of all, dibs can't be singular...

I mean, if anything, it's kind of a story

about how indecisive Winston can be.

- Well, no, it's a story about... - But you guys

came to a decision... I'm proud of you.

Uh, can I... can I practice my presentation on you?

- Sure. But I'm bored already. - Okay.

This stuff's really boring for me.

- For everybody, I guess. - Hmm.

Hepatitis C can be a long...

arduous experience.

But now

discover Zilpoza from Wudai Pharmaceuticals.

FDA approval...

pending double-blind study.

If you've had cirrhosis

or kidney disease,

Zilpoza...

may not...

be right...

(whispers): for... you.

(laughing)

You think I'm a 13-year-old boy?

I know what you're doing.

- What am... what am I doing? - You're trying

to lead me on, and I won't have it.

Case closed! You're having Winston!

Great, I'm having Winston.

Uh...

Mm.

(exhales)

It's so juvenile, what you're doing.

A dib is a dib.

Oh, God, if I keep looking at the ceiling, I'm gonna cry.

Damn it, we are getting sucked in... we have to leave immediately.

It's probably not even available.

- There's no way, right? I mean... - You're right.

(chuckles) Philip.

Hmm? Quick question.

Look, we realize that you guys book up

decades in advance, so please just let us know

- that you don't have any slots available. - Actually,

you're in luck... Shia LaBeouf had to cancel

his solitaire tournament,

and we have one open slot, in April.

- (quiet groan) - In April?

- Mm-hmm. - All right, babe, no. No, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

You need to breathe. We're just gonna enact

the plan that we set up for when you see an ankle boot

you really, really, really like, right?

What do we do? We walk away...

And if I dream about it in the middle

of the night, then it's meant to be.

We're gonna walk away, Philip.

Thank you so much for all your help.

I should let you know, however,

there is another interested party.

BENJAMIN (laughs): What? Schmittyballs?

B... B-Benjamin.

Okay.

- SCHMIDT: You're engaged? - Hmm.

- Mazel to you, sir. - Hey, Meems,

this is the, uh, fat guy from school

we used to make dance for chocolate.

- MIMI: Oh. - SCHMIDT: In all fairness,

uh, Benjamin would

peg chocolate at my head

while I was already dancing.

- He what? - Benny-boo,

I don't want to lose The Lisbon to these fat people.

- The hell? - Don't worry,

Schmidtstain can't afford The Lisbon.

- Oh. - Unless, of course, they accept

gift certificates from fat camp.

Benjamin, I still... I mean... I can...

Do they do that? I'm a different...

We'll have to ask somebody about that.

Okay, that is it!

- We... are booking The Lisbon. - We are?

- Go! - No.

I've never loved you more, Cece!

What were you gonna say?

What is that in reference to?

It's been silent for 30 minutes.

Earlier, you were gonna tell me what my best feature was,

and then we got distracted.

- Right. By crime. - I could tell you

- what yours is. - Oh, my God, please don't.

- You have a lovely neck. - Really?

Not my knuckles or, like, the skin behind my ears?

Okay, do me. It's my turn.

Come on, come on, come on, come on, I need this.

Fine.

I will tell you,

but then we drop it immediately and forever.

Drop.

You have kind eyes.

Really?

Mm-hmm.

I have kind eyes.

I'll take that.

You know, I always thought I had snail eyes.

"Immediately and forever," remember?

I'll turn around.

Turn around.

I-I'll save my kind eyes for last.

Okay.

(phone buzzing)

Hello?

I'm reopening the Reagan decision.

Wait, what?

(quietly): I already took my supplements.

I know. I'm sorry. I'm telling her

we've decided, and it was me.

Oh, no, you are not! I hear shaving.

- Are you shaving? - No!

I know what that means.

(phone beeps) Hello? Hello, Nick?

(whispers): Damn.

Just go.

You mean it?

Thank you very much, Aly.

I am going to win this sex bet!

We want to get married at The Lisbon.

We want to book The Lisbon right now!

Uh, start by filling these forms out.

- It'll be pleasure. - Yeah, no problem.

CECE: What's our routing number?

- 69364278. - Just gonna give Benjamin

- a little coffee... oh, I'm so sorry. - Hey, come on,

- she can't do that. - No, no, she did that. I'm so sorry.

- Yeah. - Oh, wow.

The service is so gorgeous.

- Really great. - You do realize

we're not gonna decide this on who writes the fastest.

You know, here at The Lisbon,

- we celebrate grandeur, romance. - Oh, you are

Schmidt out of luck, Schmidt.

Our wedding's gonna be sick romantic.

Our wedding's gonna be way romantic, bro.

Quiches so small you got to wear glasses.

Bitch, we're gonna have more white linen

than a hospital in the Great War.

Yeah, we're gonna have so many

fresh cut flowers

that you're gonna have a real bee problem

- up in this bitch. - We're gonna have

spanakopita so flaky, you're gonna get crumbs

- all over your mouth, like, what? - Our tables

are gonna be names of cities that we've been to, like, what?

Our wedding is gonna be so... big...

that the Giants will come to town

and everyone gets a big spoon.

Philip, you-you want romance?

Let me tell you the story about

how I knew that Mimi was the one for me.

- The story is called "Lovestruck." - SCHMIDT: There's a title?

It was our fourth date, and we had just seen Toy Story 3

- for the second time. - Maybe it's just us, but we love Pixar.

- BENJAMIN: We're nerds. - (Mimi giggles)

I reach for Mimi's hand,

and I was struck by lightning.

I mean, literally, I was struck

- Yeah. Zap. - by a bolt of lightning, Philip,

and I... I would've been killed

if Mimi hadn't grounded me.

- We met... crying - (chuckles)

over the same name

at the Vietnam Memorial.

George...

Harrison...

Ford.

Wha...?

Who was our grandfather.

SCHMIDT: What? Making us cousins?

Making us cousins, because there is

nothing more romantic

than forbidden love.

Between family members? I mean, that's...

You're gonna double down with that?

- Yes, I am. - He's writing "cousins" down.

CECE: That's a positive thing.

No, it's not.

Hey. What are you doing, man?

- We had a decision. - The decision

wasn't valid... your dib on Cindy

- was expired. - Okay, first of all

dibs don't expire.

Also, dibs... not singular.

And how are you still shaving?

I'm doing full body, Winston.

I started from the bottom, now I'm here.

- That's gross. - I've been doing sex prep all day.

I did a hundred girl push-ups.

I washed my feet until the water ran clear.

You can clean your feet all damn day... it don't matter,

because I'm having sex with Reagan tonight.

- The decision's been made. - Well, the decision's

been changed... I'm having sex with Reagan.

- That's not gonna happen. - It is gonna happen.

Now, if you'll excuse me...

- No, don't... - Got it!

- What were you going for? - The cologne.

- I smell so pretty! - Give me... give me my col...

(grunts) No. No, no, no. No.

(spitting)

Oh, God! Aah!

- (grunts) What are you doing! - I don't know, man!

You got frickin' cologne all over me.

I smell fantastic!

- Oh, my God. - We got to turn the tables on Reagan,

- make her decide. - I don't see her

going for it, man... the entire point

was that we had to make a decision.

Well, then I guess we're gonna have

to trick her, and I know how.

We'll up your fee by $10,000.

Ten thousand and one dollar!

Uh, Cece, we don't have $10,000. We barely have the one.

- Ten thousand and two dollars! - It's not your turn to bid.

$15,000!

- $15,000... - It's not... it's not... it's not worth it.

It's not worth it. Yeah, but it's your dream.

I... I know.

But I already have my dream.

It's marrying you.

It's all yours, Benjamin.

Yes! (giggles)

BENJAMIN: "I have my dream."

Dumb!

MIMI: They remind me of my

stupid grandparents on their 60th anniversary.

(laughs) Old.

(murmuring)

Reagan.

Let me guess. You guys made a final decision?

Please. Sit.

That's probably the first time you've been right all day,

but yes, we have made a decision.

- Great. - WINSTON: Here's the deal, Reagan.

It's 2016, you're a lady.

Your decision is important to us.

Yes, we want you to decide

which one of us is most attractive to you,

and if that person is the same name

that's on the piece of paper in this envelope,

then sexual relations can commence.

Okay, well, the logic is bulletproof.

I just feel like if I'm gonna be making this decision,

I need you guys to pitch yourselves.

For starters, I'm completely hairless,

Okay.

except for a straggler near one of my nipples,

because I got scared while shaving.

In my fantasies, I'm a wild lover.

In real life, my sexual prowess has been described

as "fine," "adequate."

"It'll get the job done."

That is both a lot and a little,

but either way, a tough act to follow.

- Winston, you're up. - Well, that's easy.

I've got kind eyes.

NICK: You don't have kind eyes.

You have snail eyes. Everybody knows that.

I've got kind eyes. Aly told me so.

Who's Aly?

Yeah, she's my partner at work. I complimented her first,

told her she had a very nice neck, which she does.

But what I should have said was,

"You got a really cool chin," or "You got some dope earlobes."

Honestly, everything about her is great.

And when I'm with her, I never really notice time.

It's probably because she is the best part of my day.

I should... I should have told her one of those things,

as opposed to the neck thing, you know.

Then she told me I had kind eyes.

- You like Aly. - Yes.

- She's my partner. - NICK: Winston!

Come on, it's obvious. You like Aly.

I-I like her. I-I like Aly.

Oh, my goodness!

Why did I never think of that before?

Wow, my mouth is dry.

Anybody else's mouth dry?

What should I do? I don't know what to do.

I don't know what to do. What should I do?

Winston, this is Cindy De La Garza all over again.

You need to make a decision.

I got to ask her out.

- Good! Go! - Go ahead! Go! Good luck!

Listen, Reagan, I am so sorry,

but obviously, we will not be making love tonight.

- No. It's not fair. - I'm sorry.

I got to go.

Well, I guess that leaves

just old Nick Miller.

Mm. Your room or my room?

Hmm?

Well, both rooms have a lot of interesting possibilities.

Mm-hmm.

That's a heck of a question.

Your, um...

Give me 15 minutes, and I'm gonna come back

and tell you which room and why from my opinion,

and then, you can give me yours, and we can discuss.

Just give me one second, and, uh, I'll be good to go.

I just need... two minutes tops.

Stay there.

(grunts)

- Oh. - Oh! Aw, no!

Oh, that's a lot of blood.

Oh.

Damn.

(sighs)

Well, you're back, and you have an insane look in your eyes,

- so... congratulations? - No, I didn't do it.

I was, uh... You know, I thought about it.

Oh, I don't need to know.

Uh, yeah.

Yeah...

Would you like to go out after work, grab a drink with me?

Sure.

Sure. (laughs)

All right then. (laughs)

Oh. Uh, can my boyfriend come?

Your boyfriend? Yeah.

Yeah, sure! (clears throat)

- How long have you guys been...? - Yeah, it's new.

It's new. It's new. It's...

He's an agent, actually, for... animal actors?

What am I gonna say? No.

He should stay at home and not exist, please.

(laughs) No, I won't say that.

Officer down... to meet your boyfriend.

I realize those were

a poor choice of words for a station.

REAGAN: Nick!

It's almost 9:00. Are we doing this or what?

What is that?

You look like you're in a Boca Raton street gang.

I didn't think you were actually gonna go through with it,

and even if you were...

I made a decision.

I wouldn't want it like this.

So I decided

to put on my I'm-not-having-sex tonight outfit,

'cause no one's gonna have sex with me in this outfit.

And now I'm gonna go out and have a drink.

Would you like to come?

Wow. Deciding Nick.

Let me change.

NICK: FYI... your I'm-not-having-sex-tonight outfit

is leopard print and tight.

- I don't know if you know that. - It's animal print, but it's not tight.

These are baggy, fuzzy PJs with a flap on the butt.

Exactly my point. You want to see what's in the envelope?

- It's a blank sheet of paper. - You're so wrong.

Does that look like a blank sheet of paper?

- Very clever. - Thanks, yeah. I thought of it

when I was getting tickets to the World Series of Chili

and had to prove that I was human.

Ooh, ooh.

We've got big news, you guys.

Champagne all around.

We're getting married in a...

BOTH: soon-to-be-abandoned warehouse!

Yeah. Champagne.

- Oh, thank you. - And I'll even give you one.

Hey, guys, Aly is on her way to the bar.

- (cheering) - With her boyfriend.

- Oh, that's the worst. - Well, you know,

everyone dies. Maybe he'll die.

I'm sorry, Winston.

Is there anything we can do to cheer you up?

Uh, no.

Anything that would make you feel better?

- Anything? - Anything?

Well, if you insist, then.

You asked me what I wanted. This is all want.

All right, let's do it, let's do it. Let's just do it. Let's do it.

ALL: Motown

Philly's back again

Now slower.

(slowly): With a little

- East Coast Swing

- WINSTON: Slower...

Synced and corrected by Chitorafa www.addic7ed.com

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0