All language subtitles for New Girl s05e05 Bob & Carol & Dick & Schmidt.eng

(sighs)

Why are you putting spoons
in the laundry hamper?

I'm hiding our nice stuff.

See, my cousin Bobby and
Carol are coming in town,

and they're gonna ask
me for money, so I'm...

I'm trying my hardest to look poor.

You are poor.

Technically, yes, but I'm also

the richest Miller in
the history of our family.

I mean, I own part of a bar,
I have a savings account.

I don't fully understand how
to use it, but I do have it.

Nick, you're doing great; you really been

stepping it up lately. Calm down.

Thanks. The other day...

The other day, I was at a
restaurant, and they asked

if I wanted avocado,
and... and I said, "Yeah."

And they said, "It's
extra," and I go, "Shh.

I know it's extra, but... but I want it."

Uh, Winston, you ready to go?

Born ready!

You know, believe it or not, you guys,

I have never been wedding
dress shopping before,

so I didn't really know what to pack.

- Are those whistles?
- Yeah. These are whistles.

Oh, I even got a pocket fan so
I can blow wind in your face,

and your hair could be all like this.

Pocket fan.

Cece, I'm begging you,
just cancel the appointment

and reschedule it for when Jess comes back.

There is a six-month waiting list.

Do you not want us to get married in June?

Oh, no, I want to get married in August,

so I can walk down the
aisle covered in flies.

You're so concerned about these flies.

- Please, go to the appointment.
- Look, relax.

All right? Nick is the best man,

Jess is the maid of honor,
and myself personally,

this is where I cut loose.

This is where you unleash
the beast, all right?

Speaking of which, uh, Cece,
did you bring your strapless bra,

or should I get the booby tape? Booby tape.

CECE: Uh, no, Winston, this is just a ride.

It is just a ride, okay?

Hey, guys, C-Cece, my
cousins are almost coming!

Cece, hide your jewelry!
Winston, hide your jewelry!

All the jewelry!

Nick, this is insane.

Just tell your family that
you can't give them any money.

Set some boundaries.

You're right.

Time for me to put my foot down.

- Put it down.
- I'm gonna say no.

- Yes.
- I'm gonna set boundaries.

No money for them.

(knocking)

- Hey!
- Hey! Hey!

- Hey, how you doing?
- I thought I smelled fish!

- (chuckles): Oh, yeah, you smelled fish.
- Look at you, huh?

- Yeah. Yeah.
- What, are you working out now, huh?

- Yeah.
- Tough guy. - Ow!

You doing yoga? You doing yoga, huh?

Yeah, I do... I've done,
yeah. I don't do yoga.

BOBBY: Oh! Look at this.

Exposed brick, dude? Really? Oh, come on.

Yeah. Yeah, I didn't build this.

You don't want to throw some
carpet down over the hardwood?

Yeah, what's wrong with wallpaper?

- I love wallpaper. I'd use...
- Don't forget about

- who you are, man. Look, he's getting weird.
- Yeah.

(bad Boston accent): Welcome to
Los Angeles. Maybe we take a...

a-a-a, you know, a "cah"

down to the "hahbah" and
check out The "Mahtian"

on the big... on the big screen
with Matt Damon in "Mahs."

Whose "cah" we taking?

(whispers): Stop, Schmidt.

Synced and corrected by Chitorafa
www.addic7ed.com

Hey, we got you a little gift, yeah?

- You didn't have to do that.
- Yeah.

Oh, I left it outside in the hall.

Well, go get it, you moron.

BOBBY: You're a moron, you moron.

I'm not the one who left it in the hallway.

Why didn't you bring it in if you saw it?

CAROL: Because I didn't see it until now.

Yeah, 'cause you're a maniac,
and you're controlling me

- all the time.
- Oh, my God,

I love you so much!

I love you, too, Peaches.

- You're the best!
- (sighs)

Regular Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan, these two.

This is how it starts. There's three stages

to a Miller asking for
money: okay, it's compliments,

it's ply with food, and
then it's go in for the kill.

- SCHMIDT: Be strong.
- I'm trying to be strong.

CAROL: Seems like there's

a space theme. You guys like space?

Outer space? Yes.

- Yeah.
- Ah, you didn't have to do this.

- I got it at the airport.
- Yeah. Hey.

- SCHMIDT: There it is.
- It's popcorn.

- Oh!
- Yeah. Comes all fancy-like in its own trash can.

That's too much. That's too nice.

- No, come on.
- I love this kind of popcorn.

You're totally hooked up, brother.

'Cause you can mix and match.

- That's right.
- Easy. Nick's not hungry.

- Oh, that's right.
- Is he your life coach?

- Thank you for the offer, but...
- Nick, eat the popcorn.

- He just ate.
- I just ate. - Just one piece.

- Nick, it's popcorn.
- Do it. Do it. - I don't want it.

It's good for you. It's corn!

You're trying to give me
popcorn so that I give you money!

It's not gonna happen!
I'm not giving you money!

I'm setting boundaries!

Oh, Nicky, we don't want your money.

- You don't?
- No!

No, no.

We want your sperm.

What?

Yeah, we're trying to start a family,

and Bob's army's down.

I need your troops to storm my beaches.

S-So no money?

- No.
- Just sperm?

- Yep.
- Don't tell anybody, all right?

Guys, this is excellent.
I got a lot of that.

If I had a dollar for every sperm,

my room would be covered in dollar bills.

- Nick, a word, please. A word.
- CAROL: Right? Right?

- NICK: Yeah. Yeah.
- A word.

Yeah. Thanks for the popcorn, too.

One minute.

What's that guy, like, his manager?

Doesn't quite feel like the one,

and it doesn't really feel like it's me.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, no, it is you.

It is beautiful.

It has an attachment for a leash.

No judgments.

Wink, wink, right? (laughs)

But it does.

Do you mind if I just take
one minute to think about it?

Pass.

Pass. Pass. Pass.

CECE: Winston, I just

asked you to drop me off.

- Sir, what is your role here?
- I am her friend.

My job is to protect her,
so, please, cut the caca,

and bring us some dresses
with an A-line cut.

I may or may not have
done an extensive amount

of research on wedding dresses.

I never thought that I would say this,

but I am really glad that you're here.

So you're gonna take his word over my word?

(whistle blows)

(laughs, whoops)

Show me some clavicle!

- More legs.
-
I've changed...

- I love it.
- I hate it.

I love it.

- I hate it.
- It's perfect.

It's imperfect.

Am I crazy to want a hat?

Forget the hat. Forget the hat.

No!

(whistle blows)

That's the one!

That's the one! We got dibs!

NICK: Schmidt, this is great.
They just want my sperm.

What about setting boundaries?

They're not just reaching into
your wallet this time, Nick.

They're reaching into your skin wallet.

- That's your scrotum.
- I got it.

I'm sorry, but I'm gonna have to veto this.

Yeah, well, you have no standing to veto.

It's my sperm.

You're my best friend in
the whole entire world.

We've been through a lot together,

so I just do feel like...

your sperm are partly my sperm.

Mi leche es su leche.

No! No!

Nick, you've been doing so well lately.

- Thank you.
- Right on track with the plan.

My... What plan? What
are you talking about?

I-I may have your entire life
planned out on my computer.

I made a spreadsheet and everything.

I worked on it this morning.

You-You've got to be kidding me.

I don't... It's not...

"Nick's Life Plan"?

What is that?!

I'm just trying to keep you on track, Nick.

Look, we've always done
everything together,

and I'm just worried that
we're gonna drift apart.

You know, I'm gonna get
married and have kids,

and you're gonna be wandering
around the grocery store,

holding a bottle of
Scotch and an ear of corn.

Okay, you know what?

You know what I have to say
to you, Schmidt? Boundaries.

You know, you and me.

Boundaries.

All right, let's do this.

- We're having a baby!
- Yes. - Yeah.

CAROL: Oh, my God, my boobs are

- gonna get huge! (laughs)
- Unbelievable!

They're gonna be like, "Get out of my way.

Here come my boobs."

BOBBY and CAROL: Yankees suck!
Yankees suck! Yankees suck!

This really means a lot to me, man.

I'm sorry I couldn't do it myself.

Yeah, you know what I think it was?

One time, I got stung in the penis

five different times by five different bees

five days in a row.

What were you doing

that your naked penis
was exposed to bumblebees?

Why is he here?

You know, even though
I don't approve of this,

I would never, ever leave
you in your time of need.

Schmidt, I don't want you here.

I told him I didn't want him here.

I can't be any more clear on that.

I botched it!

Botched it good! Three
strikes, and you're out!

How do you botch it?

You do not have my blessing.

I don't need your blessing.

I don't want it. I don't care.

I don't even want you here.

NURSE: Mr. Miller, we're ready for you.

Thank you so much.

Here I go.

- Nicky, give 'em hell, huh?
- Yeah.

- Get me a winner.
- All right? You got it.

- CAROL: All right. - All right.
- Go get 'em, Nicky.

We believe in you. Come
on, make a smart one.

- Here we go!
- BOBBY: Yeah!

- Hey, Schmidt, can I have a...
- So you do need my blessing!

I don't need you! Just please
come back in here with me.

Thank you.

Never seen two guys so
close like that, you know.

My dad and his...

and his friend Joe were close like that.

- Oh, yeah?
- Mm-hmm.

Well, you got in my head.

You got in my head.

Why'd you have to tell me
about the plan, Schmidt?

Now I need to know what happens.

Why am I not supposed
to have a baby this way?

As I saw it, your first
child was to be born

between you and a small Italian woman.

Like a Maria?

- Yes, like a Maria.
- Okay.

She makes meatballs and soup,

and does laundry in a wooden bucket.

- Yeah, she does.
- You guys have a child.

It's a boy. I'm incredibly involved.

I give him the other half of
a walkie-talkie just in case

he ever has a question in
the middle of the night.

(imitates static) Yes, I'm here.

He hides his broccoli in
a planter during dinner.

I wink. I look the other way.

- You mean e-broccoli.
- What?

'Cause it's the future.

How far in the future are you
planning on having a child?

Well, if we're talking
about me meeting a woman,

falling in love and having a kid?

A very, very, very, very long time.

So many "verys."

And let's face the facts.

My love life is a disaster.

Schmidt, this might be my
only chance of having a kid.

- Don't say that.
- I'm saying it.

And if I can't have a kid with a woman,

then maybe I'll have one with my cousin.

Horrifying wording

for what actually is,
well, a beautiful sentiment.

I-I want to do this.

I want to experience this.

You know, and I know I
won't be able to raise him,

and... and that's disappointing, but...

I'll still see the little
guy at parties and such.

Say hi. He'll say hi.

Give him some fireworks to pop off, or...

or e-fireworks.

Man, I'm just...

I'm getting excited
just thinking about this.

Look, it's not how I originally planned it,

but it's still another
Nick Miller in the world,

and I'll take that any way I can get it.

You have my blessing.

Well, it's embarrassing to admit, but...

thanks, man, I kind of needed it.

Yeah, absolutely.

(laughs)

You should get out of here,
man. I'm gonna go masturbate.

Okay.

- (groaning)
- We...

really got after it there.

I am so happy I could help.

Like, I don't want to be...

greedy about it, 'cause
I know I've already put on

the most perfect dress once
today, and I should wait...

- You thinking what I'm thinking?
- I really want to put it on again.

- You should put it on again.
- I know!

Okay, I'm going to go try it on.

- Okay, try it on again.
- Okay.

CECE: Oh, no!

Oh, no.

What did we do?

What is this?

Oh, my God!

How drunk were we?

- No.
- No. Okay.

You know what, no, no, no, no.

This is, you know what,
this is, this is good.

Everything's all right.

I mean, look, you got mirrors.

You know, no one's ever done that before.

I like it, you know. I like the...

Again, I can't talk
enough about the mirrors.

Why is there a spot for batteries?

So the glass can light up.

We were really excited about that feature.

Yeah. You look like a
prostitute for wizards.

I look like a bullfighter in space.

I cannot get married in this dress.

Okay, so what do you need me to do?

Nothing. I don't need your help.

Okay. 'Cause I'm just...

I'm gonna do it by myself.

Well...

- Yeah, well, no, I...
- You washed?

Yeah, of course I washed.

Hey, why the...

why the long faces?

Shouldn't we be celebrating here, guys?

Listen, we, uh, we talked
to the doctor and, uh,

turns out we can't afford the procedure.

Are you kidding me?

So I just masturbated for nothing?

SCHMIDT: You-you guys flew

across the country.

You didn't think about
any of this beforehand?

We did little to no research.

But we still want to have

- a family, you know.
- Yeah.

We already fell in love
with the little bastard.

Anyway, there is one other option

we could explore.

What is it? Anything.

Nick...

I want you to have sex with my wife.

- What?
- CAROL: Yeah, we don't just

need your reindeer, we need Santa.

- SCHMIDT: What? What?
- Yeah, come down the chimney.

- Feet first.
- White Christmas.

Bring a sackful of gifts.

This is nuts. I can't do this.

This might be your only
chance to have a kid.

Yeah, but then I have to
have sex with my cousin.

I don't want to have... I don't
want to have sex with my cousin.

It's not your cousin.
It's your cousin's wife.

That's like letting a dog
drink water out of your mouth.

You know, it's not great, but it's legal.

The point I'm trying to make is,

is I think I'd like another
Nick Miller in the world.

- All right.
- Can you imagine?

(chuckles)

Come on, man, what do you say?

(sighs)

SCHMIDT: I think the best thing

to do here is to just look at this

like a medical procedure.

Why is this guy in this conversation here?

Bobby, it's a losing
battle. Just move past it.

And, Carol, look, I
don't want this to feel,

I-I don't know, romantic.

I don't want you getting confused.

- There's a zero percent chance of that happening.
- Yeah.

If you're suggesting
that I can't be romantic,

then you're out of your mind.

SCHMIDT: Yeah, excuse me,

Nick is very romantic, okay?

He does romantic things
for me all the time.

Schmidt, what are you talking about?

Just the other week, you
were very romantic to me.

When I fell down in the parking
lot and you picked me up?

(talking indistinctly)

- (grunts)
- Get up, dude!

How was that romantic?!

It was beautiful and it was kind.

You know, romance doesn't
always have to be sexual,

- you idiot.
- You're the idiot!

Don't. Don't.

Honestly, you want to do this right now?

Give me one shot at that big head,

I'm gonna knock you out. (chuckles)

- Dominated you physically. Admit it.
- Yeah, defense.

Can we put something over the windows?

I want it to be pitch black
in here, so I can't see...

I don't like the way you look at
my body when you say that, Carol.

- Well...
- SCHMIDT: Okay, we got to keep it positive.

- I agree.
- I think what Nick is trying to say

- Uh-huh.
- Is that he'd like to be completely naked.

- Where are you getting this from?!
- Objection, Your Honor! Strongly!

'Cause I will be wearing clothes!

- Overruled. Yeah.
- Overruled.

- Yeah, stand down.
- But I'll-I'll tell ya,

I'm not wearing a
condom! End of discussion.

(laughs)

Guys...

such a clearly great joke.

Because obviously I can't wear,

- you know...
- Oh.

We got to loosen the vibe a little.

- Can we do something about this smell?
- Oh, yeah.

(sniffs) It is a little rank, yeah.

- There is an odor.
- Yeah.

Well, I lost a glass of milk.

You lost a glass of milk? Was it full?

Yeah, it was to the top.

I could barely carry it.

Oh, that's outrageous!

- Oh, God.
- Now, if you don't mind,

I'd just like to bring
things down for a second here.

Bob, Carol, um, I originally
bought this for Nick,

but since he may never
have someone to give it to,

I'd like for you guys to have it.

- Mm-mm.
- No, dude, no.

We're Pats fan. We hate the Bears.

- You don't like the onesie?
- Pats are number onesie.

Where did we land on me being in the room?

- Get out, Schmidt!
- Get the hell out of here!

Look, I-I know that you
have a "no return" policy,

but you have to take this dress back, okay?

I look like a rich person
in The Hunger Games.

Yeah, I know. (chuckles)

I was gonna stop you from buying it,

but I didn't, so we're done here.

Wrong!

See, you may be done
with her, but you're not

done with the law.

Winston Bishop, LAPD.

You're a cop? The guy
who was spinning around

singing Patti LaBelle songs yesterday?

(high-pitched):
I tidied
up my point of view

And you must be the one
who was serving champagne

without a liquor license.

We don't charge for it.

It's legal.

Uh, not if it's being served to a-a minor.

Oh.

Yeah. Oh, that's right.

I'm 17 years old. I'm a kid.

You're a 17-year-old police officer?

I'm a cop prodigy.

You see, my school is the streets.

But my other school is school.

'Cause-'cause I go to school.

Like a school-school, for learning.

You are so stupid.

No return policy

is more important than the love

that brings us here today, so...

This means a lot to her,
so please help her out.

Well, that didn't work.

Look, Cece, I'm-I'm no good at this.

I'm no help. I'm just gonna...

I'm just gonna take a
backseat to the wedding.

No. Look...

what you did in there
made me realize how much

you... really care about me.

I know that you're already
one of Schmidt's groomsmen,

um, but I was hoping you
would maybe also consider

being one of my bridesmaids.

You want me to be a bridesmaid?

If you don't want to, I...

- Do you know who you're talking to?
- Yes?

- You're talking to Winnie the Bish!
- Yeah.

I would love to be your bridesmaid!

- Yes?
- Yes!

- Yes?
- Yes!

- Oh...
- Girl, you are

under arrest for taking my breath away!

(laughs)

What's with this parachute top?

It's good for movement, hard to stain.

I thought it was appropriate.

Okay. I don't know what you think

we're about to do, but I'm
keeping this very simple.

- I want to keep it simple.
- Uh-huh. Great.

Should we... should we
just make love now, then?

"Make love"?

What, are we riding horses
around on a beach topless?

No, thank you.

Just tip me over and pour me out!

Tip you over and pour you out?

Yeah. It's that children's
rhyme that's also very sexual.

It is not sexual at all.

It is in this case.

Carol, I'm g... I'm gonna need you

to be a little bit nicer to me, please.

- Oh, my God, are you serious?
- I can't p...

Listen, I can't perform
sexually if I don't feel

a-at least a little desired.

- Okay.
- Could you give me any sort of a compliment? Anything.

We'll go and then we'll just...
That will get me started.

I'll say something nice about
you then and we can get into it.

(groans)

Just one compliment.

Nothing on the front. Can you turn around?

No. Keep turning.

No.

Stop. Ah!

- Okay, I won't... Okay.
- Please.

Um...

First thing that pops in your head.

(sighs)

Oh, Nicky, you're such a sexy boy.

(groans)

It felt crazy coming
out of my mouth. Right?

- Just some... just something simple.
- Oh, my God.

Just take your pants off and get in bed.

Okay, yeah. All right!

- Okay?
- (breathing deeply)

Come on!

(sportscast playing over TV)

Any plans to go to the beach
while you're in Los Angeles?

CAROL: Bob! He's freaking out!

- Oh.
- Nick?

I'm not freaking out. I'm fine.
Just my heart's beating really fast.

- I feel a bit dizzy.
- CAROL: Are you freaking kidding me?

- Just need one sec.
- This is ridiculous!

All I did was take my shoes off.

- Stand up and deliver!
- What happened? What happened?

- Is it over? Did you like it?
- No! Look at him.

I just need one minute.
I just need one minute.

Everything's cool! Deal's
on. I just need one minute.

- Get ahold of yourself, man!
- Hey, I'm ovulating

for two more hours. I need to get plowed!

You're dressed like you're
gonna run a marathon!

Take off your windbreaker!

Schmidt, tell them to stop yelling at me!

No! You compose yourself
and you make a miracle,

or I will squeeze one out of
you like a bottle of mustard!

- What?!
- Take your pants off!

There's not even a belt or a button!

Just pull 'em down!

- Yeah, let's go with the miracle already!
- Come on, man!

- (all shouting)
- No! Stop! Stop!

- Just take your pants off!
- Five minutes, and it's done.

I don't like this! I don't like this!

- Take your pants off!
- Do it! Do it, Nick!

Come on, man! Do it!

Take it out and do it!

Boundaries! I said I need boundaries!

Get out of my way!

I need boundaries!

Unbelievable.

Wow. So typical.

(sighs)

Oh, look at that.

There's the glass of milk.

Really is filled to the brim.
It's like an infinity pool.

Wow, how the hell did he carry that thing?

Bobby, I'm sorry. I feel terrible.

No, no, no, no. It was a bad call.

Yeah, I guess it's weird to
have sex with your cousin's wife.

No. I...

I just can't stomach my kid

coming from a Bears fan, that's all.

There's nothing wrong
with being a Bears fan.

- That's all I'm gonna say to that.
- There kind of is.

No, it's weird to have sex
with your cousin's wife.

- That's what's weird.
- We're gonna ask Cousin Terry.

He's got no arm past his elbow,

but it was an accident; it's not genetic.

It's a good call. He's very good-looking.

Uh, excuse me. So we're not having a baby?

Well, this is...

this is just great.

If you can't tell,

I am being sarcastic.

What's with that guy?

(sighs) He was really fat as a kid.

- Now I get it.
- Ah, that makes sense.

Yeah.

We need to have a talk about today.

- I know. Boundaries.
- No.

It's...

I want you to have something.

What's this for?

I want you to save that
and give it back to me

when I have my own kid.

What do you mean, you're
gonna have your own kid?

When I have my own kid.
Don't make a big deal of it.

I just... I don't...
I don't hate your plan.

I kind of like it.

Things have been going pretty good

for me lately, and I-I would
like to meet my own Maria.

With-a the meatballs.

With-a the red sauce.

(laughs): With-a the red sauce.

I want to see that plan you got for me.

Well, come on, man.

It's a rough draft, but
you should check it out.

What do we got here, chief?

"Nick has a boy. He calls him Gio."

We die on the same day in 2098?

You murder me and then kill yourself.

There's not a chance I make it to 2098.

Not a chance.

I don't want to see the 2050s.

Oddly enough, you won't.

See? I freeze you from 2050 to 2064.

That's why you're the genius.
That's why you're the genius.

- Thank you.
- (chuckles)

- Can you see her?
- Jess?

Hey. Hey, guys. I pulled some strings.

I got her a note that says we're here.

You are amazing. I don't
know why every wedding

doesn't have a bridesman.

Ooh, I'm-a get so naked
at that bachelorette party!

That's one reason.

(all cheering)

CECE and NICK: Jess!

Okay, Nick, the bag, the bag,
the bag, the bag. Okay. Okay.

I got it, I got it. I got the
bag. What do you mean, the bag?

- Oh, come on! Just one peek!
- No!

No, no, no, no, no, no.

Okay. We good?

- Yeah, we're good.
- Okay.

(exhales)

Hey. Hey, hey, guys.
She's writing something.

- Wait for it. Oh...
- _

- What? What's happening?
- Don't worry. Nothing.

I think she's writing something else.

- Okay. All right. That's something.
- _

- What's going on?!
- Nice.

- _ - NICK: We miss you, too!
- CECE: Aw, we miss you, too!

- All right, I can't take it anymore!
- CECE: No!

No, no, no. No, no,
no. No, Jess can fix it.

- Jess can fix it.
- Schmidt? Schmidt?

CECE: Just... No, no.

Cover up. It's not gonna look like this.

I got him. I got him.

- You got him? Okay.
- Winston, I got him. It's fine.

- See? Everything's fine!
- This isn't romantic?

- NICK: Come back soon!
- WINSTON: I love you!

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