Original subtitles

Previously on "Neon Joe, Werewolf He-yump"...

Where you heading, cowboy?

Vance Dontay's mansion.

He's your ex-wife!

Werewolf heart.

- You're into Neon Joe. - You saw this, right?

Finally the world will see Yuri isn't crazy

and that moon is alive!

Do we call Daggart?

You already did.

NASA has just confirmed that the moon is, in fact,

moving closer to Earth, causing mild panic.

Meanwhile, the proximity of the moon

has led to an increase in sick waves

and has surfers all over the world out in droves.

In other news, a mysterious rash of Greggar Sonoir robberies

has law enforcement on high alert.

Yeah, this chair nice.

I should have been sitting in this one

when you told me about your 'giney.

I wasn't sure at first, 'cause, you know,

I didn't want to make the association

and the connection between vagina and leather.

Remember that song in "Grease"?

The thing about things going together,

"shama lama ding dong" or whatever they say?

'Cause, you know, vagina and leather...

they shama lama ding don't go together,

- in my mind, at least. - You know, any time

you'd want to help, that... that'd be great.

I'm not the one who lost the werewolf heart,

so you on your own, Jack.

That is a nice attitude from somebody

who could never seem to remember my birthday.

Oh, give me a break! That happened once.

Didn't lose it. It's here.

I just don't know where it is.

Yeah, that sound like losing to me.

Seems to me like someone stole it.

Colonel Nathaniel Daggart, U.S. military.

We got a lot of catching up to do.

Why don't you start off by telling me

where I can find of pair of them sweet-ass shades?

Military issue. Not for sale.

Check them out, though.

Oh, yeah!

These are real nice. Thanks for the sampling.

Keep them.

No, thanks. I'm good.

Don't want to owe the U.S. military nothing.

The days of catching rays may be gone forever...

if the moon has anything to say about it.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold up.

Let me just play audience surrogate for a moment

and ask what you mean.

The moon is alive and headed straight for Earth.

Have you ever heard of the Celestial Seduction?

No, but sounds sexy.

My loins getting all hot just thinking about it.

When the hearts of 40 werewolves come together,

they form an all-powerful cube,

and that cube will send off the most concentrated pheromones

known to man,

more powerful than a thousand suns,

summoning the moon towards Earth.

It will create a race of powerful,

super-violent, hyper-sexual werewolves.

Mankind will be wiped out.

Military radar picked up a massive energy source

emanating from your old bar.

We believe it's the cube.

Yuri.

I get that 40 werewolf hearts form this all-powerful cube,

but why are you spraying it with cologne?

I'm preparing cube for Celestial Seduction.

Celestial Seduction?

That's right.

Moon is alive like I've been saying all along.

You see, Yuri is not so crazy after all, eh?

I went to moon.

I love moon.

Moon love me.

We will finally be together,

and I will get to have sex with moon!

Oh! Ha ha!

Whoo whoo!

I'm coming! Oh!

Hey.

Do you to get out of here? Go role play?

You can be Yuri, and I'll be the moon.

Uh, why would you want to do that without Neon Joe?

I don't know how he knew you had a werewolf heart

or how he even managed to steal it,

but I'll never put anything past them sneaky Russkies.

The only thing that can prevent this from happening

is the world's greatest werewolf hunting force.

No problem, sir.

Plaid Jeff at your service.

I was talking about them.

Us?

We're not together anymore.

He's out of the business.

I'm the new hot shit, number-1 werewolf hunter now.

When you two were in love

and at the peak of your werewolf hunting abilities,

you were unstoppable.

And if this chicken shit hadn't run away,

we'd be a step closer to retirement

and living in Maui like we'd planned.

I did not run away.

We had a deal that we agreed upon

that I had to run away if it...

It don't even matter.

I don't want to be with you no how.

I don't buy that. When I look at the two of you,

I see a couple that still loves each other,

just forgot how to communicate.

What are you,

some kind of military-trained couples counselor

sent here to rekindle our relationship

so we can save mankind?

That's exactly what I am.

I studied with Dr. Phil during the first Gulf War

and completed my work

on interpersonal relationship dynamics

during the Arab Spring

in Operation How to Be a Better Listener.

Right now, we have 12 hours

to cram in 12 years of couples counseling.

We have the entire military at our disposal

to make this work.

Wait. Hold on a second.

What about me?

Me and Vance, we make a pretty good team.

Don't we, babe?

We spent months together!

I even faked my death to be with you,

and that's proof that we're a solid couple.

Shh!

I love you, Jeff, but there's no us

unless I fall madly back in love with my soul mate.

You know that.

Just walk away, friend.

Just walk away.

Vance, talk to me, babe. What...

As a trained professional,

I must weigh in and also say to you,

just walk away, friend.

Just walk away.

Fine.

I'll leave.

Yeah.

You know what?

I'll probably just defeat that cube my damn self.

And we'll see who'll end up with the girl.

And another thing... I'm not walking away.

I'm walking towards.

Look like you walking away to me, friend.

I'm walking towards!

All right, now, look, even if we was able

to somehow fall back in love,

which I'll tell you right now is not gonna happen,

how we gonna defeat this cube?

Turgolock.

Who?

The crazy tides have brought surfers

from all over the world,

all ready to aid in the seduction

of our mother moon.

What are you watching?

The Will Smith movie "Hitch."

Good American seduction propaganda.

I must explore every avenue

and be ready for moon's every whim.

Yeah.

Great! Put it in the corner, please.

Aah!

You're working with the werewolves?

Soon there will be a race of super powerful werewolves.

I'd be fool not to work with them.

Oh, that's smart, Yuri. That's a good idea.

Mm-hmm.

Ashley, will you help me get some more cologne?

Yep.

Neon Joe would never approve of this.

I have got to do something.

Like what?

Your old rings. Put them on.

It'll help establish the mind-set

that you're a couple again.

Now this is a compliment grenade.

You have 30 seconds to compliment the other person.

Otherwise it'll explode. Go!

Commencing compliment grenade session.

The... he-yump... uh... I love your 'giney.

Seriously?

What? It was sincere.

I agree. Not great, but it counts.

- Fine, uh... - 20 seconds.

You did a good job of not really knowing

- what you're doing down there. - Come on, you two.

I read that book, "'Gineys for Dummies."

10 seconds.

Yeah, you got the dummies part right.

Are you calling my dick dumb?

Joe, you need to learn to be sensitive

- to the needs of your partner. - 5, 4...

Learn to drive her wild

with your thick, veiny listening ability.

- ...2, 1. - Ah!

Thick and veiny... yeah.

On your first date, you saw Neil Diamond in concert

and later that night watched "E.T."

Recreating that evening might elicit

deep-rooted feelings in sense memory. Go!

Go?

Engage Neil Diamond portion of date night.

Neil was not available

so they got a Neil Diamond impersonator

I hope tonight helps you fall in love

So you can kill all the werewolves

Bye, bye, bye, bye

That was good,

- just not the guy. - Commence viewing of "E.T."

Watch "E.T."

Oh, man, I hate "E.T."

Who hates "E.T."?

Me.

I just pretended to like it so the night would go good,

which apparently worked 'cause I remember us making love

while E.T. phoned home.

Right? He trying to phone home,

and I'm trying to, like, you know, ram it home.

A relationship built on a lie will crumble.

You need to shit truth or get off the love pot.

Spooning is proven to trigger

deep-rooted emotional connection. Go!

Power spoon engage. Two become one.

Yeah, I like this. Yeah, he-yump.

Two become one. Two become one.

Two become one.

Oh! He-yump!

Research says if you look into someone's eyes for 20 hours,

you'll fall in love with them.

Well, we don't have 20 hours, but we do have this.

Go!

Concentrated eye contact.

This ain't working.

I'm sorry. Let's just do what we always used to do...

bang it out till we ain't mad no more. Right?

Come one, get that "E.T." couch back in here,

so we can bone home.

We're done. Turn the plane around.

Come one, babe, what's the problem?

I was hoping it wouldn't come to this,

but you've left me no choice.

Battle wolves with cyanide-tipped spikes.

Engage battle wolves.

How do you want to play this?

Only way we know how.

Love achieved.

Love achieved. Love achieved.

Excellent!

Now let's just hope we make it in time.

Who am I fooling? This will never work.

Someone needs to stop Yuri,

but I'm no Neon Joe.

Ohh!

Cleve, Neon Joe is not the sexy-as-all-hell guy

that came up with this plan. You are.

I've been dropping hints for the past few days, all right?

I'll spell it out for you... I'm hot for number 2s.

Sidekicks.

I don't want Neon Joe.

I want you, the hottest guy I've ever met in my life.

You can do this, Cleve. And when you do,

I'll be waiting for you

with an open heart and open legs.

Let's get the final piece of the puzzle done.

Okay.

There they are.

Ooh, Neon Joe's gonna love it

when you do this to him.

Get out there and you show that moon

there's more than one glowing cube

with dangling nuts in this town.

Good luck, mister.

Aaaah!

Yoo-hoo! Hey, moon! Look at me!

Come and get me.

I'm a sexy cube, too.

I mean, who didn't cry

when they thought E.T. was dying.

Me. A lot of people didn't.

I didn't cry because E.T. looked super fake.

Obvious stupid puppet.

Who goes there?

Turgolock, it... Neon Joe.

Don't you recognize me, he-yump?

Neon Joe?

Old age has robbed me of my sight,

but I recognize that accent, whatever it is.

Cajun? Southern?

It's vague.

I sense another presence.

Leann, is that you?

Hello, Turgolock.

And someone else is here.

Colonel Daggart, United States military.

Turgolock, we need to ask you how we can...

Defeat the cube.

Ah, yes.

The Celestial Seduction has begun.

The prophecy states that only a sword

carved from the bones of a million wolves

can kill the cube.

Behold the Sword of F yoncienyam.

You must castrate the cube in order to kill it.

Wait, hold up.

This cube got nuts?

You'll see.

All right, that sound cool, man.

Do a little chip-chop with this thing on some little pee-pee.

Oh, the sword is of no use to you.

The power of love made you two

the greatest werewolf hunting duo in the world.

You fell out of love a long time ago

and tried to rekindle the flame,

but it didn't work, and you both know it.

I'd fight the cube myself,

but I'm afraid I no longer possess the strength.

Sorry to hear.

What you doing, Daggart?

Using you two to get to this old bag of bones

and to that sword.

Thanks for the weapon, Lagoturd.

That's Turgolock, Dag-asswipe.

Oh!

Nice burn, old man.

Daggart, don't do it.

You sure got balls for a guy without any.

Ah, he-yump!

This better be another one

of your trust-building exercises.

I'm afraid I haven't been entirely honest with you.

What, you ain't the military's top couple counselor?

No, I am. And as you know,

the military's been studying werewolves for years.

We devised a theory that

if werewolves had better interpersonal relationships,

they might be less of a threat to humans.

I felt the only way to understand them

was to think like them.

And to think like them,

I had to become one of them.

And I realized that counseling wasn't the problem.

Relationships were.

We don't need another person.

We only need ourselves.

Imagine a world without relationships,

without bickering, without arguments.

You sound like a man whose heart's been broken.

You leave Barbara out of this!

What? Who's Barbara?

How do you know about Barbara?

Did she ask about me?

Who the hell is Barbara?

I don't know who Barbara is.

Daggart, you sound like you talking

about creating a world of lone wolves.

Lone super-wolves who can transform on their own,

free of the moon.

And now that I have a sword of a million wolves,

I'll be running the show from now on.

Good day, everyone.

Whoa, that was cool.

Wow!

Everything looking good.

Moon tracking our location.

Wait! What is happening?

Moon changing its course.

Hey, man, there's another cube

running around out there, man.

What?

Where Cleve?

Umm, uh, he went to get some more cologne.

I'll bet he did.

Can't believe Turgolock dead.

He's supposed to be all-knowing and invincible.

First time I met him he had a burrito waiting for me.

Knew exactly how I like it... chorizo and rice,

refried bean, sour cream on the side,

little salsa verde, pico de gallo,

chips and guac,

watermelon aguas frescas with just a little bit of ice.

He even knew that I liked a flour tortilla

rather than corn.

How could he not see Daggart coming?

What? Why you looking at me like that?

You saved my life.

That's all I needed.

All you needed for what?

For this.

Ooh, he-yump!

He-yump!

Ooh he-yump!

Now there's the true passion we've been waiting for.

Turgolock, you alive!

This needed to happen for you two to fall back in love,

but now you must hurry.

The prophecy says

if a werewolf eats the cube's nuts,

he will gain its power and rule the world.

Here, take my car keys.

Cool keychain.

Turgolock, no!

Oh!

Oh, babe, can you ever forgive me

for what I done to you

even though I did done what we agreed to do,

which is why I done gone did do what I did to get done?

Do the world still have a chance?

Oh, it's on.

Yeah.

Why don't you guys just screw already?

- Let's go. - Yeah.

Look at me!

I look hot, don't I, moon?

Hey, moon! Yoo-hoo!

Cleve!

Ha ha ha.

Keep running, Cleve! Save the world!

If I can't be with you, I don't want to live anyway.

I'm sorry.

I just can't take the chance

of them hurting my boss's girlfriend.

You dim, spineless suck-up.

That's so hot.

Man, for such a old geezer,

Turgolock sure got one boss ride.

Oh, babe, when it's all said and done,

I'm gonna make it up to you.

Maybe we'll go to New York City

for that big spa weekend I always promised.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

I don't care that you look like a man.

You still got a 'giney,

and I speak 'ginese.

You think you can finally say

that we did not have an agreement

that one of us would run away?

Say what now?

Do you really not remember

me vehemently disagreeing to that?

Do I he-yump?

Will you at least acknowledge

that I did not agree to that idea?

Will I he-yump?

Up yours, Joe.

Oh, baby, you know what I he-yump!

Chantilly lace and a pretty face

And a ponytail hanging down

A wiggle and a walk

And a giggle and a talk

He-yump

Make the world go round

He-yump, He-yump

Ain't nothing in the world like a big-eyed girl

To make me act so funny, make me spend my money

Make me feel real loose like a long-necked goose

Oh, baby, that what I he-yump!

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