Original subtitles

I developed a simple, fool-proof plan...

Hi!

...with subtle hints,

to steer his thoughts towards sex or…

...maybe not so subtle.

I knew he was checking out my butt.

Why do you think I kept the 13s on the bottom shelf?

13s.

Alright. You are a hooker.

I immediately regretted our decision to make the game authentic.

I probably should've come clean, right then…

-I-I... -What?

I wasn't thinking straight.

...I blame all the pent up hormones.

Thanks.

I was gonna spend Friday night being Mark's hooker.

Why'd you do that?

Hey Red, you wanna get in?

So I'd love to say I was like undercover...

...on a take down mission or something.

But I was just learning the hard way that trying new things…

...can have some serious consequences.

My husband mark and I met way back in college.

Hey Hun!

This doesn't make sense.

Fast forward 15 years,

and we've got 2 teens and a pretty healthy marriage.

You look confused.

Balancing the checkbook.

Why don't you just do that online?

Because I like to physically subtract the money...

...and watch how it affects our account.

I just don't get it.

Yeah I know,

Mr "I spent 397 dollars at the hardware store."

Maybe I was buying something for you.

Oh yeah?

Like a shiny new miter saw?

I'm going to take a shower.

Okay.

That's not even a real number.

I'm gonna use your laptop real quick!

What?

I'm gonna…

Cat-a black-ta boo-top.

What?

I love you.

I just wanted to double check my math to our online bank statements.

But then…

Okay, I admit it.

At the time we weren't as active in the bedroom as we usually were.

But I never thought mark would be...

...looking into other options.

So I called up my best friend Andrea...

...to get an afternoon tennis match in.

But what I really wanted...

...was a second opinion on the whole computer thing.

So?

Did you say anything to him about it?

No.

What do you want me to say?

"Oh, hey Hun, quick question."

"Is there a reason why you... felt the need to look at porn?"

Yeah!

That's exactly what you're supposed to say.

I can't even believe he looks at that stuff.

Oh, please!

Every man on planet Earth has looked at that stuff,

at some point or another, okay?

I guess.

I know guys look at porn.

But, it was my husband we're talking about.

I couldn't help but think of all the worse case scenarios.

I wouldn't get all crazy about it, okay?

I mean, you guys are still having sex, right?

Yeah.

I mean…

...every once in a while.

Okay. Well, maybe he's… bored with it, or something?

What was he looking at?

Was he looking at, like, like over the top gross stuff,

or was it just sex stuff?

See that's the thing.

What I found mark watching...

...wasn't exactly normal.

Lots of guys picking up prostitutes.

Like, fishnet stockings and those giant, leather boots?

I mean, maybe…

...maybe you should consider a little role-playing.

Role-playing?

Yeah, I don't think so.

I mean, God knows you've got the body for it.

You could tell Andrea didn't have kids.

Sex for us had to be like a military operation.

It had to be carefully scheduled, and incredibly silent.

You should just ask him about it.

You don't have to admit that you saw his browser history.

Just feel it out.

And maybe you'll spice up your sex life.

Cheers girl.

I figured, it couldn't hurt to have a discussion about it.

I really had every intention of tactfully bringing up the idea of role-playing.

Really. I did.

But, I still needed to get one thing off my mind.

What are you working on?

Just trying to organize these reports for the corporate guys.

So, I decided to float a very discreet feeler out there.

So not looking at porn?

I've never been good at discreet.

Excuse me?

When I used your computer the other day,

I saw that there were sex sites,

and I was kinda weirded out and worried,

and thinking that maybe you were…

...unsatisfied?

And I said something, I thought I would never say.

Maybe, you know, the whole prostitute, client thing was something that you…

...might wanna try with me?

You're gonna have to back up.

I have no idea what you're talking about.

I saw that you were looking at sex sites.

-This computer? -Yes!

When you were out of town, and you were alone in the hotel and…

I don't know.

-Whatever. Maybe you wanted... -Wait.

I didn't take this laptop with me last weekend.

What?

I took the tablet.

Looking back, I probably should have read the situation better.

I left it here because a…

..."certain eldest son" of ours,

said he needed it for his school project.

Dylan?

Oh, my God!

Of course, it was our teenage son.

O-Okay let's just deal with him later. But…

...can we pump the brakes here for a second?

You said something about role-playing?

Yeah.

It was already out there.

What I meant was, is that if you were...

...interested in doing that…

...maybe I would be willing to…

...do it was well.

Really?

So instead of spending Friday night screaming at our son,

I was gonna spend it...

...being Mark's hooker.

Let's just say he was quick to get the ball rolling.

Front Desk Darling, how can I help you?

Hi.

-How are you? -I'm good, sweetie, how you doing?

Yeah, I-I'm good too, thank you for asking.

I appreciate that.

I actually had a question about your rooms.

I was just wondering...

...are they, like, available by the…

...like, not daily?

We have a monthly rate if you're interested?

No, less.

Sure, we got weekly rooms.

Well... n-not-not weekly.

More like o-on the other... other way.

What are you trying to say, sir?

Like… hourly?

Yeah, just in case you're wondering…

You're supposed to ask for the "day-use" package.

Okay thank you!

And it turns out they don't take reservations.

Yeah, it was that nice.

We agreed...

...that if we were gonna do this, we might as well be…

...authentic.

No.

So he wasn't looking at porn?

As it turns out,

it was my permanently grounded teenage son.

No.

You know, grounding's good, but you know what really works?

Maybe you could tell Dylan what his parents are doing this weekend.

I wanna ground him, not ruin his life.

I like that. That'll work.

I convinced myself it was like Halloween but...

...back in my 20's,

when I thought costumes needed to be sexed up.

Andrea already knew about our plan,

so I asked her to drop me off at our rendezvous point.

Wow!

Does that mean it's good?

It's…

...something.

I gotta hand it to you, I'd no idea you had it in you to look so…

...cheap.

Well thank you for dropping me off.

I'm always glad to help a fellow woman...

...get into the exciting world of prostitution.

Got it.

Being slutty is harder than it looks.

You know, you're not exactly having me drop you off...

...in the garden spot of downtown.

I'll be fine.

Besides, Mark won't be long.

I'll just text him as soon as I get there.

Oh, boy.

We're really doing this. Let's go.

Our decision to reenact "Pretty Woman"...

...was definitely getting me in the mood.

Things hadn't been that exciting in a long time.

Alright.

You are a hooker.

Thanks.

Okay.

Be careful!

As soon as Andrea left me there in "hooker alley"…

...I realized, maybe I didn't think everything through.

You know, like the fact that I was out on the street...

...in my skankiest outfit.

What if someone I knew drove by?

Hey, Red. You wanna get in?

I immediately regretted our decision to make the game authentic.

I started to panic.

And what if Mark couldn't find me?

I felt like I'd been waiting for hours before he showed up.

I was three minutes late.

It's locked!

Hi, I'm looking for a date.

Seriously, before someone sees me.

I swear, I was gonna smash his window.

No y-you have to ask me, if I'm looking for a good time.

Is that really what they say?

Okay, thanks anyway miss!

I remembered, it was our night of fun...

and he was committing to it. So…

...I did my best.

Hey, hey Hun...

...good looking.

Are you... looking for a date?

Maybe I am. How much?

Twenty-five hundred dollars?

What?

I don't know!

How much does it cost? You're the expert!

About 50 bucks.

I mean, I think, on TV.

What's the point of role-playing if you're not gonna be factually accurate?

Plus... I only had about 73 bucks on me.

So? How much?

Fifty bucks?

That's too much.

Okay, then he just started being a jerk.

Open the damn door, Mark.

Alright. Just calm down.

I had to hand it to Mark.

He definitely came through on the shady motel.

Really spared no expense.

It's part of the experience.

What do you care?

You're just a working girl trying to make ends meet.

Oh, is that what I am?

It was pretty weird, but the cheap motel...

...was starting to get me in the mood.

What are you looking for, handsome?

I don't know. What do you have to offer?

Baby, I've got anything you want.

Oh, yeah?

Like what?

Like…

Like...

Yeah, I really had no idea how to do the whole dirty bedroom talk thing.

Why don't you just show me…

...what's on the menu?

Oh, yeah.

And that was my attempt at a striptease.

Wait!

Leave those on.

Naughty boy.

So, I wasn't cut out for that line of work.

I think you get the picture.

Can we move on to the next question now?

If you've never tried the role-playing thing…

...it's a lot more work than you'd think.

Why'd you do that?

'Cause that's what we prostitutes do!

No, you don't!

How do you know?

You know what?

And just when things were getting hot and heavy…

...we found out, we may have been playing things a bit…

...too realistic.

You whore!

What the hell's going on?

You know exactly what's going on you...

I actually had no idea what was going on!

Wait…

That ain't Roxanne.

That ain't Roxanne.

Nah.

That ain't her.

Who the hell are you?

I didn't know what to do…

...he was really scary.

Hello. I'm Mark.

I figured I'd just come clean, hope for the best.

She's my wife.

What?

We just decided to, you know, just role-play.

A little bit.

Well, shoot.

We thought you was the new girl.

She was supposed to be on the clock an hour ago.

Well damn, this is embarrassing.

Girl, I am so sorry.

Come on, Tammy Lynn.

I am real sorry for the misunderstanding.

You two have a lovely evening.

I can't even begin to tell you how thankful I was it was over.

So… do you wanna…

Go home? Yes.

Oh, okay.

We decided role-playing wasn't our thing.

But I still bust those boots out every now and then.

Every girl has that moment before a first date,

standing in front of the mirror, checking herself out.

I had my sexiest dress on,

and I was pretty sure it was going to seal the deal for me.

The boots, though?

Well...

...that's kind of a funny story.

Stop! He did not send you a photo of his package.

Sure did.

Full salute love machine.

What did you do?

Well I screen grabbed it, and shared it. Obviously.

-Obviously. -Obviously.

It was long overdue getting the girls together for wine and boy talk.

It was mostly overdue 'cause…

Well… there was something I needed to get out on the table.

What the hell is that?

I had never been in serious trouble before...

...and it really wasn't as big of a deal as everyone made it out to be.

But, yeah.

I had a court-ordered ankle monitor.

Our girl's on house arrest.

How did I not know this?

I can't believe you didn't know!

Izzy is a drug dealer!

No! Shut up! I am not!

It really wasn't my fault.

But explaining the complicated story to the judge...

...just made it worse.

I had a few extra pills left over from my knee surgery,

prescribed by my doctor...

...and my boss made up this story about having terrible back spasms...

...and not having enough time to go to get her prescription refilled. So…

Illegal distribution of a narcotic.

And that's not even how it happened.

My boss' 15-year old son found the pills and him and his friends,

they got busted by the police,

with the prescription bottle,

with my name on it.

It was either throw my boss under the bus and lose my job...

...or take the plea deal...

...and wear a lovely piece of high-tech jewelry for 28 weeks.

I've been going crazy.

The hottest guy I've seen is the dog walker with the fanny pack.

But the worst part was all I could think about...

...was how I was going to end my dry spell.

While on house arrest.

You need to channel that frustration into something productive.

I don't wanna do anything productive.

I wanna do something re-productive.

Yeah!

It's all I can think about, it's driving me crazy!

How about finally fixing up the place?

I mean, you've been saying since you moved in...

...you wanna redecorate it.

It's hard to do... I can't go pick anything out.

Nobody shops in stores anymore.

You can buy anything on the web.

Not a bad idea.

Audrey was right.

I needed something else to focus my energy on.

And I did need a new desk for my home office.

Damn.

But...

...easier said than done.

My, my...

Even online shopping...

...turned into me just drooling over hot catalog models.

I could get a lot of work done on that.

This whole house arrest thing...

...was whipping me into a big ol' frustrated sexual frenzy!

And I realized I wasn't going to get anything taken care of...

...until I took care of myself.

Hey, is this Brandon? Hi, it's Izzy.

Even if that meant serial dialing old flames.

I was wondering what you were up to,

and if you wanted to come over and hang out?

Come on, you would have done the same thing too.

But, I'd forgotten my rule...

...about deleting someone's number if I haven't been with them in 24 months.

Congrats! When's the wedding?

But, I wasn't gonna give up.

Hey, Pete?

Hi, it's Izzy!

It's been a long time.

News?

Yeah! I-I'd love to meet… him.

I guess he really meant it when he said, "It's not you, it's me."

Hi, is… Bo there?

I figured third times a charm.

Oh, my God!

But, not for me.

Was it sudden, or…?

Well that ended my need to dig into my past.

I was just about to head inside to watch Judge Judy, when…

Oh, my gosh! I-I'm so sorry!

And I found out…

...I have a weakness for a man in a uniform.

It's fine.

It's not the first time I've been assaulted by a garden hose, I promise.

An adorable delivery guy delivered right to my front door!

I-I didn't...

No it's okay. Your package didn't get wet.

You need help bringing it inside? It's heavy.

And all I could think to say was…

...nothing.

So… he gave me my package, and left with his.

There's only one thing I could think to do.

Seventy-three dollars for overnight shipping?

Desperate times call for desperate measures.

I knew I was being ridiculous,

but I needed to get that delivery guy back on my doorstep.

And sure enough, the next afternoon…

No hose today.

No, not today.

You want this inside?

Oh! Please!

Right there is fine.

I was so excited about him coming...

...I didn't even think to hide my ankle bracelet.

Thank you.

Yeah, not a problem.

Dennis.

Nice to meet you Dennis.

-I'm... -Izzy.

It's on the packages.

Well... thank you Dennis.

You alright there?

Oh, this?

Yeah, I-I was… cold...

...on that foot.

Right.

Well... you have a good day, Izzy.

You too!

Good thing I can think on my feet.

But if each visit was only going to be 30 seconds.

I'd have to get him to visit much more.

-Hi! -Hi!

I developed a simple, fool-proof plan.

Slowly steer his thoughts towards sex…

...with subtle hints.

Hi!

Hi.

Or… maybe not so subtle.

It was the slow and steady art of seduction.

But after a few weeks of daily deliveries…

...me dropping lots of hints…

...and eight calls from my bank...

...wondering if my credit cards had been stolen.

Uh, hi, Dennis!

I figured, it was time to make my move.

You must be burning up on a day like this!

Yeah, it's pretty hot out there.

Excited to finish the route.

Oh, to go home to your…

...girlfriend?

No, no girlfriend.

So… why no girlfriend?

Oh you mean what's my issue?

Do I have commitment issues or mommy issues?

You know, if you're gonna be coming over every day, bringing packages,

I feel like I have the right to know if you're…

...a serial killer or something.

You know that the bringing packages is my job,

I sort of have to keep showing up.

But to answer your question, no, I just got out of a rough relationship.

I'm sorry.

I wasn't sorry.

He was charming and single.

Everything was heading in the right direction…

I have a tendency to fall for the wrong girls.

...until…

The last one got a…

...little too dependent on painkillers and…

...just became a whole thing.

I couldn't believe it.

Now, all I could think about...

...was what he'd say when he found out about my ankle bracelet.

That's so sad when people get into that pill stuff.

It's alright.

I guess I just attract bad girls.

I probably should've come clean right then…

...but I wasn't thinking straight.

I blame all the pent up hormones.

What I need to find is a nice girl.

A girl who'd… maybe wanna hang out on Saturday…

Well that's interesting.

Because it so happens that I am free on Saturday.

That is interesting!

So do you wanna go out?

Yeah!

In my excitement I almost forgot I couldn't leave the house.

So I suggested the only alternative I had.

Maybe we could just…

...hang out here?

Have some wine?

That's perfect.

8 o'clock, okay?

Oh, yeah.

Date with Dennis was on.

All I had to do was figure out a way to hide the fact that…

...I was a criminal.

No biggie… right?

I spent half of Saturday trying to cover up my ankle monitor.

But everything I tried either didn't fit…

...or looked ridiculous.

I finally settled on some old fuzzy boots.

Which actually looked kinda cute…

...and they were comfy as hell.

Wow.

That's too sweet.

An actual gentleman.

And looking cuter than ever.

I should tell you, I've…

...wanted to ask you out from…

...the day I first met you...

...but I didn't want to come across as the pervy delivery guy.

If I'm being honest,

I've been wanting you to ask me out...

...since the first day you met me too.

Okay.

Being honest doesn't mean you have to tell them everything.

To the magic of overnight shipping.

Dennis started out as prey.

Like my own little sex bunny.

But then I really started to like this guy.

It made every one of those credit card purchases worth it.

A hot delivery guy after months of complete abstinence?

Priceless.

-I-I... -What?

That was my chance to come clean.

Okay, like my 10th chance.

I-I don't like my ankles.

I mean… just my ankle. Just that one.

It's fat, swollen.

From what?

A… bite.

For some reason I thought that lame story might've done the trick.

But Dennis couldn't keep his hands off my damn boot.

Okay, wait, wait, wait...

Look, you're gorgeous, and you're smart,

and you're funny, and you're amazingly sexy.

I promise...

...whatever you think is not perfect about you...

...is absolutely perfect to me.

How could I lie to such a sweet, sensitive guy?

-I'm not just saying all this... -Stop!

Are you okay?

Yeah, just give me a second!

You know how they talk about moments of destiny?

Well, those two blades…

…were the key to my freedom.

That's probably how all escaped convicts feel the first time.

-Everything alright? -Yep.

I figured I could make up some excuse to the judge,

like a stray dog tore the anklet off or whatever.

I wasn't thinking clearly.

Thanks for the great night.

Thank you.

You have no idea.

Maybe we could… get together later this week?

-For dinner? -I'd like that.

I was just about to tell him everything.

I swear.

Ma'am?

Can I speak to you? I have some questions.

Turns out those stupid ankle monitors...

...also have a sensor...

...that tell the cops if you cut them off.

Dennis found out about the prescription pill thing and…

...he might have been the first and only person who actually believed me.

What can I say, I have a thing for bad girls.

I'm one of the only men I know...

...who can say he's never, ever lied to his wife...

...about anything.

Okay…

...maybe just that once.

but it certainly made for an interesting story.

-There you go. -Thank you.

Can you give me a nine?

It was back in… Wow!

1979, and I'd just graduated college.

All you.

I didn't wanna take a corporate 9 to 5 gig,

so I picked up a job at the roller-rink.

It wasn't my dream job…

...but it did take my mind off of that no-good,

cheating boyfriend, I'd just kicked to the curb.

I was so done with men for a while.

Hey, Gorgeous.

My older brother taught me that trick…

...he just got divorced...

...again.

Gorgeous?

You can't just go around popping peoples' bubbles...

...without asking them if they want their bubbles popped!

Not cool.

I didn't know where that boy's fingers had been.

This ain't the 50's dude.

I'm-I'm-I'm sorry.

There was... I... There was a guy...

Then he started getting all nervous and shaky and stuttery.

I have some more bubblegum though.

I had a huge crush on Jenny...

...but I was incredibly shy back then and I guess, I just panicked.

-Here! -Okay.

Chill out. Don't have a conniption.

Ranting apology accepted.

Sorry.

Size?

Thirteen.

Seriously?

Yeah.

Why?

You know what they say about guys with big feet.

Big… skates?

Two things, I really didn't know...

...and that really isn't true.

Yes it is.

Trust me.

Here you go, 13s.

Knock yourself out.

And that's how we met...

...well, met again.

We had tons of customers coming in on those busy weekend nights.

But he always had a way of catching my attention.

Look who it is.

Mr 13.

Every time he showed up, he had some sort of…

...crazy new injury.

You look like you got a wooden leg there, you okay?

Usually accompanied by an even crazier story.

Yeah.

The car… slipped off the jack and it…

..landed on my foot.

It's no big deal.

Sounds painful.

You sure you wanna be skating?

I'm pretty tough.

I knew he was checking out my butt.

Thirteens.

Why do you think I kept the 13s on the bottom shelf?

At first, he was just an entertaining distraction...

...from deodorizing skates 8 hours a day.

But then... I started looking forward to seeing him.

Damn, 13.

You sure do got the unlucky thing down.

What'd you do this time?

I was…

...working on my car, and the hood latch…

...fell on my head.

No big deal.

I thought I looked pretty cool, like...

...Peter Frampton.

It's just your head, who needs that?

The bandages are more like, precautionary.

-Hi, can I get a size 6? -Yeah!

He'd just hang around, you know, like he wanted to ask me out,

but he wouldn't.

I was waiting for my moment.

I'd heard that women like a guy with self-restraint.

There you go.

Why do men take advice about women from other guys?

I mean, they're always wrong.

Here you go.

Be safe out there.

Put that away!

Louise, Lucky 13! What the heck happened?

I got this at the bar.

There was a guy saying inappropriate things to a waitress.

I tried to get him to knock it off.

One thing led to another, you know?

He was lying... again.

But someone once told me...

...that the only difference between a "creative storyteller"...

...and a pathological liar...

...is one is a lot cuter than the other.

-You sure you wanna skate with that? -Yeah.

It looks worse than it is.

-I mean, it's more like... -Precautionary?

Yeah.

That was the moment I could tell it all changed...

...she really liked me.

Sure, I liked him.

You know, like the little weird neighbor kid with no friends.

Hey! Where's that box of laces?

Lucky 13s.

Working at the rink had some perks.

After everyone left,

I'd lock up and I'd have the whole place to myself.

Just me and my skates.

It'd happened again, and this one was the worst so far.

I must've passed out in the bathroom stall from the pain.

Oh, crap!

Everyone was gone...

...except for Jenny.

Hey!

Hey.

We're closed, you're not supposed to be in here.

I'd seen a lot of bad skaters...

...and that boy...

...had no business being on wheels.

Yeah, I-I see that. I was...

-I was just in the... -What the heck happened to your head?

It's... it's nothing. It's not as bad as it looks!

It's... I was just…

And that's when it all started to add up.

-Technically not... -Wait a minute!

Are you the guy I heard about earlier who smashed his head into the snack bar?

Wasn't really as bad as it looked.

Yeah.

That wasn't what my co-worker, Connie told me.

Thanks.

I'd been pretty clueless.

My cover was blown.

That's not from a bar fight, is it?

Are all those injuries from skating?

I had to tell her…

You don't remember who I am, do you?

Sister Mary Ellen's class? 4th Grade?

Oh, my God!

Frank the Tank?

Frank was that chubby kid...

...that the other kids would dare to eat an entire jar of paste...

...and he'd do it.

I… sorta lost a little weight since then.

I'll say!

Look, this might...

...be a probable concussion giving me the courage to say this but...

...I've had the biggest crush...

...on you since the 4th grade.

We dissected those earthworms and you... you threw up all over my shoes…

...but then you and your parents, you had to move away...

...and you... you didn't come to our school anymore…

Then I-I heard that you might be working here.

And I figured, maybe if...

He was ranting on and on and…

...I remember thinking,

do guys get any sweeter than this?

It was better than I'd fantasized about…

...which I'd done a lot...

...and I tried to hide from her how excited I really was.

Not sure if she noticed.

I noticed.

How could I not notice?

I landed…

...wrong.

The part that was sticking out the farthest…

...hit the ground first.

Three weeks later, I was good as new.

Five kids, and 7 grand-kids after that…

...we're happier than we've ever been.

And one of our sons is actually a pro-hockey player.

Guess who taught him how to skate?