All language subtitles for Mary and Jane s01e09 Neighborhood Watch.eng

Ta-da! It's a focus wall!

Chic Urban Design says if
you wallpaper a single wall

in your home, it really draws the eye.

That's fantastic.

I didn't even notice
that wall was there.

Oh!

I also baked these
brownies for the professor

for when he gets in from Humboldt.

Mm, nope.

Now that he's finally forgiven
us from buying all that

Hufflepuff from another grower,

I really want things to be nice.

Paige, the professor
has been high since 1986.

We could put out week-old Cinnabon.

I home you told him to
bring a lot of weed, though,

because our supplies are really low.

(banging in the distance)

Awful neighbors again?

What is with this?

I thought we were
supposed to be the ones

who were loud and obnoxious.

They finally moved in last night.

(gasping)

Let's go downstairs.

We can be the first
to complain for once.

Hello, upstairs neighbors, anyone home?

(man) Come on in!

- Oh my God.
- (Jordan) Where the (bleep) are we?

- Hi, neighbors!
- Hi!

My God.

Oh, oh, we're hugging.

That's happening.

Nate, I see you.

- Paige, hi.
- Hi, Paige, Toby.

- Jordan, hi.
- Welcome.

Please, please excuse the mess,

we're still getting organized.

We kept our place in Brooklyn,

but we sold our house in the Hamptons,

and there's just way too much furniture

and still more coming.

We're probably gonna have
to throw most of this stuff

in the dumpster.

Starting with this garbage sofa.

Oh yeah, total trash.

See?

People in LA are so much more honest.

I told you, Nate.

We're so in love with this neighborhood.

(Toby) It is just about to happen.

Oh my God, is that a Yeti, a real one?

This guy, he gets random
groups of people together

and gets them on roller coasters,

then gets them to take off their clothes

and he photographs them.

It's like two of my favorite
things in life rolled into one:

thrill rides and public nudity.

I want to be in one of
these photos... so badly.

Well, that's one of Nate's pieces.

He's Nate Yeti.

(Jordan) You're Yeti?

Wow, I can't... I can't believe that.

I can't believe how much
work you guys have done

on this place.

I mean, it's a rental.

I know, but we just
can't live in a place

without making it our own.

We did it in our New
York apartment, too.

Oh my God, I love New York so much.

I mean, the restaurants, the theater...

Oh, you know, we actually
have an extra ticket

to the LA premiere of "Hamilton"

and I have heard that Lin is
gonna be in the first show,

but nobody's supposed to
know, but he's a friend, so...

Oh my God, they call him Lin.

Oh, Nate, we have got
to get this sofa outside

before that next truck comes.

Can we continue this later?

So nice to meet you.

I mean, we have things to take
care of upstairs as well...

- (Toby) All right, lift with your legs.
- (Nate) Legs.

Not your back.

(groaning)

One, two, three.

I mean, how great were they?

Even I like them.

When they said extra "Hamilton" ticket,

they meant me, right?

How else would you interpret that?

We live upstairs from Yeti!

They can never come up
here and know that we took

their couch out of the dumpster.

I mean, that is a given.

I feel like our whole
lives are about to change.

Already have.

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No, this is our new dumpster couch!

No!

_

No, get down!

Get outta here.

Okay, so we didn't have
enough cash in the cash box

to buy Nate and Toby a
new housewarming gift,

but... what if we gave them the candle

we bought for Jaime's
daughter's wedding?

Yeah, but Jaime's like family.

I mean, he gives us such
a great deal on all our

pot-yatas and he like
paints in the bloodshot eyes.

No, I know, but the wedding's
not for another month,

and once the professor gets here,

we'll have enough cash
to buy another one.

Come on.

Wow.

So, Nate, how do you
cast for your photos?

Like do you have an open call

or let's just say there
was someone who had like

a super like slammin' bod,

and were totally down
to go meet some strangers

and... and show her pubes in public?

Oh, I mostly cast people from my church.

Oh, your chur... your church?

Hey, girls, we were going to call you.

Oh, we brought you a housewarming gift.

- Oh...
- Oh...

Oh my God, is that a Veronique poncho?

Huh? Oh, yeah.

Veronique and I grew up together.

She'll always be Ronnie to me.

But I guess there's like a
huge wait list for these things.

They're like the "Hamilton" of ponchos.

(laughing)

Well, Veronique is coming tonight.

Nate, did you invite the girls?

- We're having a thing.
- Oh.

Should we open this together?

Our first housewarming gift.

Oh, wow!

It's a bird candle!

Thank you!

We'll have to find a place for that.

Mm-hmm.

Anyway, so tonight, you
should definitely come.

Oh my gosh, thank you
so much for inviting us.

Good, I mean, you've been
here so long, obviously,

you know so much about the neighborhood.

Oh, it's one of the perks of
running a delivery service.

See, you're the perfect
people to help us

ferret out those drug dealers.

Who... what?

Apparently, this neighborhood
is crawling with drug dealers.

I mean, talk about just the
lowest form of human life.

What did you girls say you deliver?

Flowers.

- We deliver flowers, we are florists.
- Florists.

So anyway, tonight, neighborhood
watch meeting/dinner party,

you'll meet all our peeps, we'll
figure out who these dirt bags

are and get them out of town.

And maybe we can order
some flowers, too.

- (cell phone chiming)
- You betcha.

Oh no, this won't work.

Nate, the upholsterers are
saying they're picking up

the new sofa today and it's
either today or next month.

We probably should have
held on to the garbage sofa.

- The meeting.
- I know.

- Aw, shoot.
- Yeah.

Really wanted to have
that meeting tonight,

get those drug dealers.

Or...

what if we had it at your place?

- Our place?
- If you're offering.

Are we?

Thank you!

See you then.

- See you then!
- See you then!

Well that's it.

All the weed and weed
paraphernalia are hidden.

What's... can we...

I left a message with the professor,

told him to abort,

so there's nothing to
suggest that a drug dealer

lives anywhere near here.

Oh, we forgot about the brownies.

Crap, I don't... I'm
out of hiding spaces.

Um...

Ah, I'll put them in there.

If anyone asks, the oven is broken.

Whoa.

I know, right?

Had to drive all the
way to Beverly Hills,

sneak into a bar
mitzvah and steal those.

There was no way we could
afford anything that nice

to impress Nate and Toby with,

and you saw how much they
hated our bird candle.

Listen to this.

You know how Nate said he
cast people out of his church?

He's a member of P.E.A.K.

So I go to the personality center

and I picked up a copy of this book.

I took a test, I signed
a thousand-year contract.

The book was free.

Um, that kind of seems like overkill.

I have to get off on
the right foot with Nate.

Once he believes I'm a
member of the P.E.A.K. church,

he'll totally put me in a nudie photo.

(sighing)

Do you think it looks nice enough?

It looks amazing.

DDL, off the couch.

(doorbell ringing)

They're here.

- (gasping)
- Ho, ho, ho!

I come bearing gifts!

And by gifts, I mean
weed that I've grown.

No, no, no, you can't be here.

We left a message!

Oh yeah, I got that.

Here I am.

I'm so sorry, Professor,
you can't come in.

- We're having a party.
- I spent seven hours in a car

to bring you guys product

and I can't be a guest at your party?

You know, all this and
the Hufflepuff incident?

I'm beginning to think that you

don't want to be in
business with the professor.

- Oh, no, no!
- No, no!

You're absolutely invited to our party!

Hey, for the next two hours,
could you just promise me

you won't like get
high or talk about weed?

- Yeah.
- Ooh.

That'll be an interesting experiment.

And could... could
you go to the bathroom

and just look a little more...

or just look less...

Just go hang out in there.

(sighing)

(doorbell ringing)

- What are we gonna do with all of this?
- What... I...

Wait, Jordan!

We're coming!

(sighing)

- Hello.
- (Nate) Hi. - Hello.

Oh, look at this place.

It's so...

BoHo millennial chic.

Thank you.

This is Veronique.

It is such a pleasure to meet you.

I am a huge fan of your ponchos.

Thanks.

And this is Tasha.

She's a chef.

She owns Courtesy.

Oh my God.

That place is supposed to be amazing.

Well, you'll get to taste tonight.

That would be truly an honor.

Please, come in.

Under this roof,

we are still in the
shadow of the mountain.

I didn't know you were a fellow climber

of the P.E.A.K.

I open my eyes to you.

In the shadow of the mountain.

In the shadow of the mountain.

Wait. Paige?

- Yeah?
- These flowers.

Yeah.

They were at the Beverly
Hills Hotel today.

You did the flowers for
Pharrell's bar mitzvah?

Get out.

Yes, I did.

Um, that was an event

that I did at a hotel
in... in Beverly Hills.

Mazel tov.

I can't believe I didn't see you there.

- I catered it.
- You did?

Well, you know, it was just

one of the events that I did today.

I'm sure you know how that is.

I was running all over town.

Veronique.

Paige did Pharrell's.

Oh, then you must know Gwyneth.

Gwyneth.

God, we are like...

I love her.

We should call her and tell
her that we're together.

Um, I... I... I think she's out of town.

She is?

She didn't tell me that.

I wonder why she didn't tell me that.

God, I knew she was mad at me.

- (doorbell ringing)
- No, that new assistant is horrid.

I'm sure there's just
been a misunderstanding.

Bentley, no!

We are having a
neighborhood watch meeting.

But I live in the neighborhood.

Where they're trying to
bust local drug dealers.

Why the hell are you
having that meeting?

It is a long story,
but the point of it is

we're maxed out on weed dealers.

(sighing)

Hey, Professor, how... how you feeling?

Jordan, it is the strangest sensation.

I feel like I've been in a submarine,

underwater for years,

and now I've finally
come to the surface.

All of my senses are super acute,

my nose is filled with smells

and I'm pretty sure that dog

is trying to communicate with us.

(whimpering) _

- Hello.
- Ah...

I don't believe we've met.

- Toby.
- This is the Professor.

He's an old family friend.

- Mm-hmm.
- Oh.

- What do you teach?
- Economics.

At a college.

I actually have a PhD in economics.

And a family.

- Oh...
- Uh...

Academics, always eccentric.

Come on, buddy.

Do you have a phone that I can use?

Oh, hey, Nate, what are you doing?

What do you need?

It's 7:00.

Time for evening contemplations.

Yeah, it is and I do
them over here, let's go.

But we need to be in
a room that faces south

- in order to face the Great Mountain.
- I know that,

but I took my first
level one in Australia,

where north is south,
so that's... may the

Great Mountain God forgive me.

Give me one second and then
let's do that thing you...

Ugh.

Laundry day, it's so unholy.

Like I can't even contemplate

when there's laundry about.

- What are you doing?
- Nate needs to go into my room

so we can pray to the Great Mountain.

- What are you doing?
- I'm designing the flowers for

Ariana Grande's Easter egg hunt.

Tasha recommended me.

Tulips are too obvious, right?

You know you're not a florist.

Says the woman pretending
to be a fourth-level P.E.A.K.

Uh, I wish I was fourth level.

They get to go on the cruise.

Gotta go, late for contemplation.

(humming)

- I...
- I...

- ascend...
- ascend...

- the mountain.
- mountain.

- The summon...
- The summon...

(Bentley)
I kick
it so beautifully uh

Would you excuse me for just one second?

Great Mountain, forgive me.

Swag.

Uh, if you'll excuse me one second.

Thank you so much.

- What's up?
- Bentley, what are you doing?

I am spittin' hot bars
and taking no "pris-nars."

- What does it look like?
- What?

You're not invited
here, I told you that.

As a drug dealer.

You didn't say nothing about being

a world-famous freestyle rapper.

You're not.

Well, I would be if I wasn't
killing it slanging mad dope.

And that Chef Tasha, she is lovin' it.

She's gonna cater my
South American tour.

- Paige.
- Oh.

Toby tells me that you wanted a poncho.

There's a very long waiting list,

but I think you should have one.

Really?

Also, do you think that
we could go in there

and talk privately about Gwyneth?

Did she say something to you about me?

Hold on one moment.

Jordan, could you
come over here, please?

Veronique and I have something

very important to discuss in my room.

Do you think you could get your

- dirty laundry out of there?
- My dirty laundry.

Oh, let me get... yeah, let me
get my laundry, let me get...

Yes.

See, the thing about female friendships

that I've always found is just...

Socks and undies coming through.

...sometimes it's just
such a complicated...

Ah, Bentley!

What the (bleep)? I need you, Jordan.

We need to make love.

- Control yourself.
- I can't.

I control my wood with weed,

but you won't let me smoke weed,

so what's it gonna be, J?

- Wood or weed?
- There are no other options?

I don't know.

Come on, give me like
a BJ or an HJ just to...

- I don't know, just blow on it, flick it.
- (cell phone clicking)

Here! DIY!

Finish as quickly as you can.

You'd be surprised how
many people tell me that.

(gasping) Jordan.

I want you to be in
one of my photographs.

In the shadow of the mountain.

In the shadow of the mountain.

Jordan.

I get a poncho.

I get to be in a Yeti.

This bullshit actually worked.

I started this equation 20 years ago,

and now... I finally
understand how to complete it.

Wow, you were right.

That focus wall really
grabs your attention.

(doorbell ringing)

We're actually pulling this off.

I'm here for the drug dealers.

I have the constitutional right
to refuse a request to search.

I... I'm sorry, am I in the right place?

I'm... I'm a friend of Toby's.

I'm... I'm here for the
neighborhood watch meeting.

Yes, yes, come in, come in.

_

All right, so we in law
enforcement really rely on

close-knit communities
of likeminded people

who look out for each other
and look out for criminals.

So right here, we have some
footage from a traffic camera

of a couple delivering drugs.

Right here you can see the
man and his female accomplice.

I'm sorry, how...

- how can you tell it's a man?
- Uh, Jordan?

Well, uh, uh, his height and
the broadness of the shoulders,

and... and here, you can see,

he starts to relieve
himself in the street.

What a dirt bag!

See, that's exactly
what we're talking about.

This neighborhood is on the
verge of a major renaissance.

We could be leading that charge.

Especially if we want to profit from it.

Buying property in a
neighborhood before it

gentrifies is like striking oil.

You will not believe the deal we got

on this crappy pi?ata store

we're replacing with our nap bar.

What's a nap bar?

Oh, it's like a dry bar, but for naps.

Wait, the pi?ata place on Mohawk?

I mean, that's been open forever.

We buy all our pi?atas from Jaime.

We're actually going to
his daughter's wedding.

Why do you buy lots of pi?atas?

Oh, well, we fill them with flowers.

Jeez, Jaime's going out of business.

I mean, I'm sure you gave him

a decent amount of money, right?

We paid him an appropriate amount for

a neighborhood in transition.

Can we get back to the, uh, footage?

Oh my God, look.

My Camembert tart's congealing,

I have to reheat this right away.

- Oh, I can get it, I can get it.
- Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

- No, you can't, because our oven's broken...
- Broken.

...and the new one's
on its way from France.

But it got caught in customs.

Because we are not losers.

Uh, well, if you don't
mind running downstairs,

you can use ours.

I will do that.

I will be right back.

Ooh.

Whoa.

(cell phone chiming)

"Toilet would like to
sync with your phone."

Okay.

(woman) Welcome.

No way.

Initiating modesty music.

(classical music playing)

Would you like to try
the bidet function?

I've never tried a bidet.

(water running)

Ooh.

Oh.

Oh...

(cell phone chiming)

What's a waterfall?

Whoa!

No phone is currently synced.

Yes, it is.

Yes, it is...

What?

Sync!

Sync!

Ahh!

Un-sync, un-sync!

Stop!

(whispering) Hello, police?

Hi, I'd like to report a missing person

in Silver Lake.

It's a young woman.

Uh, a white woman.

She's blonde.

(feedback blaring)

(woman on walkie-talkie) 5-5-7-4.

I'm so sorry, I've... I've got to run.

I've got a code blonde.

(cell phone ringing)

What are you doing?

Are you still downstairs?

(Paige) Jordan, Jordan!

I bet I could fix that oven.

I used to have one like
it in one of my kitchens.

It's a classic.

(dog whining)

Something's so familiar
about this fabric.

Oh.

It's time for my
mid-evening contemplation.

Stop!

Whoa!

- What the...
- Jordan!

Jordan, help me!

It's like "Titanic" in here!

Okay, give me...
ahh... give me a minute.

No, Jordan, Jordan, don't leave me!

(coughing)

Oh my God.

Oh thank God.

That was really complicated.

I had to turn it off at the source.

They have an orgy shower?

I'm really glad we stayed
so tight with these guys.

Yeah.

Still a little sad that they're putting

Jaime out of business, though.

I know.

But maybe we can talk to them about it.

We did a really good job
of convincing them that

we're upstanding members of society.

- I think they'll listen to us.
- Yeah.

We wring you out first.

Hey, guys, sorry that took so long.

Care to explain yourself, ladies?

I am shocked.

All this time,

we're looking for the
lowlife drug dealers,

and it turns out the low-lives
are right under our noses.

We should have known

when they got us that gross candle.

Okay, you know what? You got us.

We deliver drugs.

But we are not dirt bags
or low-lives or losers.

- We are good people.
- Yeah.

You stole our garbage couch.

No.

We repurposed your garbage couch.

The only thing that we actually
did wrong is we tried too hard

to make you guys like us.

And so we pretended to
be people that we weren't.

But you know what?

It was awful.

I mean, yeah, do I want a better life?

Beautiful ponchos,
expensive theater tickets?

Sure.

But I don't want to
lie to get those things.

I'm proud of who we are and what we do.

And that bird candle is beautiful.

And it was meant for someone
who was like family to us.

The only thing that I'm ashamed
of is that we wasted it on you.

You know what else?

I like our neighborhood
just the way it is.

I like it cheap and dirty.

I don't want to kick out
families who've been here

forever so you guys can put in, what?

A dumb nap bar?

(scoffing)

Not in LA.

You wanna nap?

That's what your car's for.

So now that this officer's gone,

let's make it official.

You live downstairs from weed dealers.

Welcome to Los Angeles!

Well, now that that
cat's out of the bag.

What the (bleep), Toby?

You said that we were
taking down drug dealers.

We thought like heroin, oxy.

Weed?

Weed is cool.

It's like the new Internet.

We're buying land in Humboldt.

Ooh, welcome, neighbor.

Hey, somebody wrote on
your wall, by the way.

We both have our weed cards.

I'm high right now.

So I'm assuming you're not a climber

of the P.E.A.K., then.

No, I am not,

unless they hold me to
that thousand-year contract.

But I did sign it "Seymour Butts."

Mmm, good one.

Toby always did blow
things out of proportion.

What?!

Oh...

Don't think we won't turn you in.

Go ahead.

I'm sure Officer Davis
would like to know about your

non-draught compliant bathroom.

Oh yeah, we saw it.

Made a big mess in there, too.

Seven showerheads?

Japanese toilet?

Bypassing the water
meter at the install?

That'll be a fun demolition,

and expensive, too.

You've just bought yourself

the worst neighbors in history.

I hope you like 4:00 a.m. dance parties.

I just downloaded "Lemonade."

I... I do.

(clearing throat)

Oh, shoot.

I didn't extort that
"Hamilton" ticket from them.

Don't worry about it.

I still have a key to their apartment.

We can poop downstairs
whenever they're out of town.

Who wants to smoke weed?

- Oh, me, please!
- Girl, you are singing my song.

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