Original subtitles

What's up, party people?

Everybody that knows me

knows I'm a sucker for tradition.

For example, every Super Bowl Sunday,

I host my very own halftime wing-eating contest.

It's not a contest if you're the only one eating.

Shut up and watch the game.

And every February 14th,

I like to sit and watch "The Notebook"

with my valentine.

Why would her mom hide the letters?

[both sobbing]

And every year on her birthday,

I call my mama and I tell her I love her.

Happy birthday, Mom.

I love you.

Mom, you've got to stop poking me on Facebook.

Girl, I'm going to unfollow you.

I'm not being disrespectful.

Yes, ma'am.

Why do I do this?

Because I love traditions.

? Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon ?

? Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon ?

? Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon ?

Subtitle sync and corrections by awaqeded for www.addic7ed.com.

?

There go my best friend.

There she is, all single and beautiful.

Come here, girl.

Bring it in, baby.

Come on.

Yvette, I'm fine.

Oh, you don't got to be brave.

It's your first anniversary since the divorce.

You want to talk about it?

Maybe open a bottle of wine?

No, I don't need any wine.

I just want to, you know, finish doing...

How the hell do you do that so fast?

I know my way around a cork, baby.

Mm-hmm.

Well, Yvette, I appreciate your concern,

but today is just another day.

I'm not going to be sad, I'm not going to think about it,

and I'm not going to make any plans.

Yvette, get out. We got plans.

Hey, babies.

How you doing?

Marlon, what plans do we have?

Come on, do I need to refresh your memory?

Hater bridesmaids. [grunts]

Drunken pastor,

and your uncle splitting his pants

getting low doing the Tootsie Roll.

Yes, Marlon, it's our wedding anniversary.

Yeah, see. Come on.

I mean, we don't have to do the same traditions

that we used to do when we were married.

Like, you know, my sexy underwear dance,

which leads to my sexy no underwear dance,

which leads to your sexy no underwear dance,

and then we'd have a butt-naked dance off.

That was weird. Why did we do that?

But you got to admit, my windmills was real dope.

Come on, I know we can't do that,

but I did make dinner reservations at Miccello's.

Uh, excuse me.

Can I address the elephant in the room?

Oh, snap. When did your mama get here?

Hey, Ms. Brown.

You're divorced, weirdo.

What kind of deranged stalker Muppet

takes his ex-wife out to celebrate their anniversary?

It's creepy.

Muppet?

I know your "Fraggle Rock" looking ass ain't talking.

Let me ask you, what are you and your ex-husband

doing for y'all anniversary?

Nothing. Why?

Because you got to have a man in order to lose a man, right?

Okay, Marlon. She's right.

Oh, come on, Ash.

Come on, this is our tradition.

We recreate our first date.

You know, dinner at Miccello's,

walking along the Santa Monica pier,

trying to cop my first feel on the Ferris wheel.

Marley, you're in charge.

I'm in charge? Zack, go to bed.

Why does she get to be in charge?

Boy, you heard your sister. Get your ass to bed.

Zack!

Zack, I'm in charge, okay?

And Marlon, divorced people

don't celebrate their anniversary.

It's like a dead person celebrating their birthday.

Oh, that's a good idea.

Dead guy birthday.

Put that in my will.

But don't put me in a coffin.

Just lean me on a wall real cool like this.

Damn it.

Just my luck.

I don't have jury duty tomorrow.

- You like jury duty? - You kidding?

15 bucks a day, free coffee, and a real-life whodunit?

Whoo, sign me up.

What are you talking about?

Listen, Stevie, black people don't do that, okay?

We don't do swimming pools past the stairs.

We don't do ice hockey, or any hockey for that matter.

And we damn sure don't do jury duty,

because we're scared they're going to put our black ass

on the stand and say,

"Hey, this is about you. You under arrest."

I was going to brush up on my juror's manual tonight,

but since I'm free, I guess I'll just join you guys

for your anniversary shindig.

Oh, my God, there's not going to be a shindig.

- Marlon's being crazy. - I'm being crazy?

You're being crazy if you're trying to kill this tradition.

Ash, we've been recreating our first date for 16 years.

Marlon, since you're so into traditions,

now that we're divorced, how about we start a new one?

One where we're honest about that first date.

Fine, I'll be honest.

It was fly, you was all up on a brother, boom.

I put a ring on it.

Marlon, it was a mess.

It was a template for our entire marriage.

Ah, two sides of a story.

If only there was a time-tested method

of arbitrating such a dispute.

Talking about a jury, y'all.

Yes, a jury.

You guys will hear the testimony,

and then we'll decide, was our first date,

indeed, the bomb, which it was.

Kids, get on over here.

You are about to experience the unbridled intoxication

of the judicial process.

That sounds corny as hell.

Marlon, you sure you want to do this?

Yeah, I'm sure I want to do this.

If I win, we're going to dinner.

- Mm-hmm. - And if you win...

well, pfft, you ain't going to win.

Fine, but the facts.

Not the way you've been spinning it all these years.

We are going to tell them the real version

of what happened on that first date.

Oh, come on, Ash.

They don't need to hear all that nasty stuff.

They're still babies.

Remember, we must all be impartial and objective.

Even you, Yvette.

I can be objective,

even though I'm sure the dummy did something dumb.

You shut up with that tacky peach dress,

looking like a damn well-dressed Snicker.

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury,

court is now in session.

Let me set the scene for you.

It was 1997.

"Titanic" was in the movie theaters,

and Leonardo DiCaprio just got his,

oh, white boy-can-get-it card from the sisters.

So I rolled in to Miccello's

in my mustard-colored Oak Tree suit, looking fly.

[coughing, wheezing]

Shh, shh, shh, shh.

You know, when I first saw these roses,

I said to myself, "These are beautiful."

But then myself said,

"These roses are garbage compared to that girl's beauty."

But then self said, "Marlon, buy them anyway,

for she knows not her own beauty."

And I said, "Damn, self. You've been reading."

You had me at "self."

Let's go knock some boots.

Stop. Pause.

Timeout.

Roses and smooth talk?

I'm still listening.

You sound like a real player, Dad.

Don't form an opinion until both sides make their case,

but legally speaking, that was stone-cold player.

Here's how the date actually began.

He was a hot mess.

[wheezing]

You good?

Don't worry, you ain't got that long to live anyway.

Hey, how you doing, shorty doo-wop?

I'm sorry I'm looking all busted,

but my A/C in my car's broken

and my windows don't roll down.

You're 40 minutes late.

I figured I'd give you time to miss me.

Oh, here.

I bought you something.

I was going to get you roses,

but my hookup on the freeway off-ramp, he was fresh out.

And I was like, "Damn, Paco."

So it was either oranges or candles de Jesus.

And it's hard to get busy with, you know, Jesus like this.

Kind of creepy, you know.

Damn, I'm sweaty.

Oh, yeah, that's right.

I did bring oranges.

Freeway oranges? Really, Dad?

The jury should consider that they do help

in the fight against scurvy.

- Ah. - See?

They jury is rocking with me on the oranges.

I think you need to get your face ready for dinner.

They're not going to be rocking with you

on this next part, because even you can't spin

- what happened next. - It was awesome.

If they believe your version, or maybe they want the truth.

You can't handle the truth!

You're out of order, you're out of order!

This whole courtroom is out of order!

Love should have brought your ass home last night.

Until you do right by me, everything you do will crumble!

Now, I think a couple of those were not courtroom dramas,

but either way it goes, I rest my case.

Marlon, please inform the jury of what happened next.

Well, after we enjoyed

a nice, delightful meal of baked ziti,

Ashley went to the bathroom to "freshen up."

And when she came out...

? Rhymes all the time ?

? That's what I do, I'm bustin' rhymes ?

? I be like, rawr, rawr! I be crazy ?

? Oh wow, wow ?

Damn, I ain't know you could freestyle, too.

That's just something I be doing off the top of the dome,

you know what I'm saying?

But, damn, Ma, I think you all that and a bag of chips.

You know what, I kind of want to be outtie 5000.

So I was thinking, you know,

now that I've filled your belly with zesty, cheesy goodness...

Word.

I was thinking maybe we could take a walk down the pier,

and perhaps I could, if you allow me to,

if I'm not being too forward, Ma, no disrespect...

that I could hold your hand while we look up at the moon,

'cause you my type of hyper.

Lead the way, my Mandingo king.

'Cause all niggity-niggity-night,

I've been thinking about climbing up and down that lanky,

chocolate frame and making shameful,

disgusting love on the top of the Ferris wheel.

No diggity.

No doubt.

Damn, girl.

You a freak.

But I like that.

- Ew, stop! - Gross!

Gross is y'all breath in the morning, okay?

That was pure sexy.

Girl, I got to say, a nice dinner

and a stroll down the pier?

Sounds pretty legit to me.

And if it sounds legit,

you must acquit!

Objection, Johnny.

What happens next is the moment

that Marlon always seems to skip over.

Hey there, squally-dip.

It's almost 8:00.

Uh, shouldn't we head to the concert?

I don't want to miss a minute of Boyz II Men.

This fool took you to go see Boyz II Men?

How come I never knew this?

Because this fool never took me to see Boyz II Men.

[all gasp]

Okay. Hold up, hold up, hold up.

I tried to get those tickets.

He a liar, and the truth ain't in him!

Order in the court!

The jury foreman has a question.

If the date was so bad, then why was there a second one?

Yes, Ashley.

Do tell the jury what happened next.

And I remind you, you are under oath.

So you lied to me to get me to go out with you?

Oh, no, I didn't lie.

Bye.

Wait, no, no. Listen, I didn't lie.

I didn't, okay, not about the tickets.

I lied about the bulge, okay?

This is fake. This is fake, okay?

But, other than that, I didn't lie about the tickets.

If you'll just let me explain, okay?

When I first asked you out, I didn't have the tickets,

but I was going to get them from a very reliable source.

He told me to come and bring $200,

but when I met him, he said the tickets was $200 each.

And so, I started haggling with him, and so he struck me a deal.

He didn't give me the tickets, but I got this Rolex for $82.

Wait, hold up.

That say Polex.

Why didn't you just tell me?

Well, I didn't think you was in to watches.

I would've hooked you up, too.

About the tickets.

I didn't want you to think I was broke.

So you'd rather I think you're a liar?

Hey, hey, hey.

Listen, I think you're unlike any girl I ever met,

and I just wanted to make a really good first impression,

and I know I messed that up,

but we could still have a really good time tonight.

You like Boyz II Men? I'll do you one better.

We'll do a solo act... Boy II Man.

Yeah, okay. We'll figure out a name later.

- Here. - Wait...

You're going to get front row seats

to the best show in town.

What are you doing? Are you crazy?

? When I can't sleep at night ?

? Without holding you tight ?

? Girl, each time I try ?

? I just break down and cry ?

? Pain in my head ?

? Oh, I'd rather be dead ?

? Spinning around and around and around and around ?

? Although we've come ?

Move.

? To the end of the road ?

Hands up, come on.

? Still I can't let go ?

? It's unnatural ?

[vocalizing]

?

? Yeah ?

? Whoo-ooh-ooh ?

You're an idiot.

[both laugh]

But you're very cute.

And that's what happened.

And that's exactly the way I remembered it,

except I was a lot more on key?

So, jury, I think it's pretty obvious who won this trial.

Please.

You lost me at "no tickets."

I have to side with Dad.

He buys all my sneakers, so no shade, Mom.

I'm with Mommy because Zack's with Daddy.

These are all biased conclusions.

It's like none of you understand the jury process.

I'm going to need a couple of hours to pore over the evidence.

Okay, hung jury. Case dismissed.

We're not going to Miccello's.

Ash, what are you talking about?

We just proved we had a great night.

No, Marlon.

We proved that we had some good moments

and some bad moments,

just like our marriage.

But, for some reason, at the end of the day,

we didn't get to make it, and that's sad.

So I think this is a tradition

that you're just going to have to let go of.

Well, I'm sure you're going to let this go,

and That'll be the end of that.

Really, Marlon?

I tell you that I don't want to celebrate our anniversary,

so you lure me here by stealing my iPhone?

Ugh.

Well, I had to get you here somehow.

Hey.

Hey, Ashley.

Hey, listen, you're right.

We shouldn't celebrate our anniversary.

That's what I've been trying to tell you, Marlon.

Fine, I'll let the anniversary celebration go,

but I have one question to ask you.

Would you marry me?

Can you please get up off the floor?

Girl, I didn't say, "Will you marry me?"

I said, "Would you marry me?"

Knowing all that you know now,

that we'd have a failed marriage,

we'd have two beautiful kids,

this wonderful friendship,

would you do it again?

Of course, I would.

And so would I.

So from now on, we'll celebrate our family,

our friendship.

That'll be the new tradition.

That's a tradition I can get behind.

And, I'm sorry if, in our marriage,

I didn't follow through with all my promises.

But, in divorce,

I promise you I will.

And I promise you, I'm going to hold you to that.

Damn, we just did divorce vows.

And you may kick the groom.

Instead of "I do," you say "I don't."

- I don't either. - Well, forget you then.

- Forget you. - The ring, take it.

- Come here. - What?

- Cuckoo! - What is going on?

Oh.

We're about to start our new tradition.

We're celebrating our family anniversary,

but first, I feel like I need

- to make good on something. - Oh, my god, Marlon.

Please tell me you're not going to sing.

No, I'm not going to sing. They are.

All: ? Although we've come ?

? To the end of the road ?

? Still I can't let you go ?

? It's unnatural ?

? You belong to me ?

? I belong to you ?

? Come ?

? To the end of the road ?

? Still I can't let you go ?

? It's unnatural ?

? You belong to me ?

? I belong to you ?

[vocalizing]

Girl.

I always wanted to do one of these sexy R&B breakdowns,

with the deep voice,

but, man, this is a lot doper

than I even anticipated.

But, you know, we're divorced now.

And, although our marriage may have come to an end,

our family never will.

And marriage is just like divorce,

because you don't have sex either way it goes.

You know, I remember the day

that we first made the baby girl.

I knew you was prego with her,

because you cried like a crack baby.

And then with him, oh, you were so mean

and hungry, girl.

You were hungry.

"Give me these snacks.

"Give me some cookies.

Give me some of this. Rub my feet."

I said this, "Is she pregnant with a boy or with a demon?"

And I was right. It was a demon.

But you two lovely friends

celebrating our consummation of each other.

Stevie, I still don't know what the hell you're doing

with that Afro.

It look like a tumbleweed out of...

out of an old Western

with glasses on.

And Yvette, this moment's for friends.

I don't know why the hell you're here.

But I want you to know, baby girl, I love you.

All: ? I belong to you ?

Don't try to kiss me on my lips.

I saw.

- Thank you! - [cheers and applause]

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