Original subtitles

And have you got bad nipples? Sore nipples.

Bad nipples.

Low mood?

Well, now and again I feel a bit...

Constipation?

A little.

Vaginal itching? Only when she senses danger.

Yes. Insomnia, poor appetite, breast tenderness, perineal pain?

Yes. Well, that all sounds pretty standard.

Now, me thinks Mummy needs baby to have a Daddy day.

HE GASPS You mean...me have him for the day on my own?

Well, yes. He's got work.

I'll get Ali to cover.

You've not had him on your own yet. I'll be fine. We'll be fine.

It's not a good time for it. We've got his christening.

I want to make sure his gown fits. You need a break.

I'm fine.

Honestly, I don't want a break, or need a break.

You don't understand, he's a fucking idiot!

And three, two, one.

SHE SNORES

Brian?

What's wrong with you? You're useless.

You've never let yourself down before. Jesus Christ.

I've got enough problems. Pull yourself together.

HE SLAPS HIMSELF AND SIGHS

Someone's got to help him.

Everyone trusts you. Don't let us down, now, Daddy.

I mean it.

I won't.

I won't!

HE CHUCKLES

All the times that I've cried

Keeping all the things I knew inside

It's hard, but it's harder to ignore it...

MUSIC SLOWS TO STOP

What the fuck?

It's very kind of you, Jo, but... It's the least I can do.

You let me move in with you when I was getting myself fully

registered as a human,

and things are shaping up. So now let me help you.

I'm fine. I found you with your head in the oven. I was cleaning it.

It was covered in melted cheese from one of your friends.

Mickey's trying to perfect his four-cheese volcano,

and he is very close.

Talk to her.

I'm sure... Sue.

..Sue is great at...

..what she does.

But I don't need any help.

Sue. Let's start with a positive.

Jo tells me you recently had a sexual reawakening in a war museum.

I have just met you.

The fuck? Shakira, would you like Sue to read your palm?

No point. I melted it smooth on a hot plate.

Oh, OK.

Move. Dan!

And you've got Simon Bridges with you!

Well, you're not going to believe this.

When I look at him he turns away.

My first day with him and he won't even look at me.

Please tell me you haven't got a persecution complex about a baby.

Let me see.

Ah! He's right.

Right! This is bloody typical.

When I was a kid I pestered Mum and Dad

for a dog that I could go on adventures with.

Did it like being stroked? No.

Did it fetch a stick? Did it fuck.

I can't handle this.

Brian? Brian, but what about your chart?

Dan, we're going to have to call Samaritans.

I hear him moaning all night,

and he's getting through a whole box of tissues every day.

Never mind him! My fucking son hates me. Whoa.

A curse word should only be used in front of a child

in its proper context.

Dan, Sue. Sue, Dan. You should listen to Sue.

She once cured someone's cancer with a cinnamon stick.

Hello, Sue.

And also, no thank you.

Advice is free.

A mother doesn't charge for love. Bong.

Right, well, he's my son, I don't need advice.

Especially from someone who says "bong" for no reason.

Bong. Bong!

SHAKIRA: Oi!

I need some advice. BABY COOS

It's a baby, Daniel. They look round, for God's sake.

When a calf is born it doesn't bond with the bull.

Straight onto the teat and a clumsy stumble round the field.

Two months later it's on the plate, pinch of salt, delicious.

How is any of that comparable?

Oh, Daniel, your generation overthinks things.

All this bonding and boob feeding.

I just used to pop a bottle in your mouth

and set up a fondue for the evening.

And he used to look round, I wager. Oh, yes.

Your dad took you to the pub once.

You wouldn't take your eyes off something.

He couldn't work out what it was until...

It was the peanut display behind the bar.

You know, one of those ones with the picture of a model behind.

Well, someone bought a pack and her breast was revealed.

You'd never seen one before because breast-feeding disgusted me,

but you were entranced by it.

Pervert baby.

THEY LAUGH

Oh, my God. How did any of us survive the '70s?

He must look at me sometime, surely?

Have you tried singing to him, Daniel?

You used to love being sung to.

Good idea, Polly.

Wait a minute.

Oh, what a treat for us.

I'd love to have a baby one day.

But my father says my hips are too narrow.

And if I did have a baby it would be no more than a week old

before I'd killed it by accident.

I think you'd be a great mother, Carol. Really?

Oh.

BANJO PLAYS Oh!

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

What the fuck is that?

Your favourite when you were a bairn, boy - the Dudley Lullaby.

The what?

He doesn't even remember it, Nesta.

Well, listen up, Daniel,

and then you and the baby will have something of your very own.

You can serenade him for the rest of the day.

That'll do it.

Oh you are a filthy sod

Mucky as tar and caked in clod

When uncle hears, if you sings to God

He'll kick you down the stairs

Nae supper for you till your chores are done

No bread or dripping for you, my son

For uncle wants you light as a crumb

When he kicks you down the stairs.

Jesus Christ.

Is that what you used to sing to me?

No wonder my life's utter shit.

Your arm will break and your shin will too

Your bladder will burst like a popped balloon

Your head will split and you'll be through

When he kicks you down the stairs.

THEY LAUGH

Yeah, I'll take any appointment there is.

I aware Dr Stevens is busy. We're all busy.

And I've got work, but I'm perfectly happy to see the locum,

I just would like to be seen today if it's at all possible. Look!

Look, I have paid every single penny of every single little bit

of tax that I have ever owed,

and I've asked very little of the NHS in return,

but there is something wrong with me now and I...

Right.

Well, yes, that is in the ballpark of what I need, actually.

Sorry, you can tell that just from the tone of my voice?

Right.

I'll pick the prescription up in my lunch break. Thank you.

Western medicine won't solve your problems.

And their drugs make you crave burgers on purpose.

Sue and I made a womb, Brian.

Get in and tell her why you keep shouting and crying.

Out. No.

You need looking after,

and me and Sue are determined to make you well.

You're safe in the womb.

Fuck the womb!

Brian!

I don't care what Mr Davies does,

you talk to me like that, lad, you'll get a smack in the nads.

Oh, it's well better having you here, Miss.

I'm not supposed to be here. It's my day of free lessons.

Dick, isn't he?

Oi, You've got to help me.

What are you doing? He hates me.

Oh, he's cute. Can't have come from your balls. Can I have a go?

No, you cannot, "Have a go," Jason. He's not a selfie stick.

Good! Babies are bullshit.

HE CRIES

He stinks of shit. I think it smells quite nice, actually.

It's going well then?

I think deep down I always knew he wouldn't like me.

He's too young for me to even bribe with toys.

The only good thing is he can't grass me up cos he can't talk.

You fucking twat.

Just relax.

Go and do something enjoyable.

How's that for a radical idea?

I don't know what they like, do I?

What are your boys into?

My boys are big. They like violence.

Yours is a baby, they like anything.

Give him a cuddle and show him some colourful shapes, you daft knob.

Could take him bowling? No!

Just take him somewhere you like and talk at him. Jesus.

LAUGHTER This is important -

always keep an eye on where he is. What?

Jason!

Bring him back here now.

JASON LAUGHS Jason!

So it doesn't matter where I take him? No.

Hmm.

I bet none of your friends get to do this in the middle of the week, do they?

Best dad ever.

Come on. Here comes the curry train.

Tell me you're not feeding your eight-week-old baby a curry.

Hey, we're trying to bond, all right?

He's been a bit frosty.

But this food could kill him!

I think you'll find this place is award-winning.

Right, Parvan?

No. Oh.

It must be next door. Anyway...

But he shouldn't be on solids until he's at least six months.

What about a dhal?

Or a little raita?

Oh!

Strike two.

What was strike one?

First impression.

She just doesn't understand us, that's all.

You and me, we're special, aren't we?

Look at me.

Look at Daddy.

Christ!

Really, Brian?

This is the way you're going? Tell him, Sue.

The drugs don't work. Depression is just chakra misalignment,

or wheat intolerance.

Now, I have no idea what that means, but Sue is shit hot at this stuff.

Fuck off. Both of you, fuck off.

I'm not depressed.

Jo, you promised you would get a job to pay off your tax, right?

Hanging around with a bullshit-spouting woollen narcissist

is not a fucking job. No offence, Sue.

Don't let his serpent of aggression bring you down.

Let's go and toss scarves in the park

and celebrate the earth mother in every woman. OK, Sue.

Never forget what your uncle said

Don't you suggest his nose is red

For that is why your brother's dead

Cos he kicked him down the stairs.

Oi! It's a lullaby. Jog on.

Come on.

Have you any idea how long I've waited for you, mate?

The one person I thought wouldn't think I was a prick.

Come on. Look at me. Look at Daddy.

I think you may be interested in old Sheba here. Problems?

You could say that. You know it can take a while to find each other.

Sorry? Who? Father and child. I couldn't help but overhear.

And if you don't mind me saying, I think you may be trying too hard.

INAUDIBLE

Hm.

He hates me. He most certainly does not.

May I? Sorry? A strange request from an old, blind fool, but may I?

Ah! There he is. He's looking straight at you.

I know.

And yet I have no eyes. Incredible. You see, he feels me.

He feels that I care and that he's safe.

We don't always need to see, young man.

Sometimes we just need to feel.

BABY CHUCKLES

Beautiful. Do you have children?

They are long grown-up but they still come round for a cuddle.

Anyway, don't panic, you'll get there.

Now, you take him back.

DOG BARKS

Oh, my fuck! Sheba?

It's bolted with my kid on its back, you prick!

Oh, not again! Sheba!

BABY CRIES

Hey! Hey! Oi! Sheba!

Sheba! Oi!

Jo! Jo!

Jo! Oh!

Oh, my God.

Dan, what are you thinking. He's not old enough for dog rides.

Maybe you do need a little advice. I didn't do it on purpose, did I?

IN DISTANCE: Argh!

Shit. Look after him.

I'm fine. I'm OK. Could you stand aside, please?

I am a health care professional.

Oh, hello, Patty. Is that your dog, you fat whore? All right, mate.

Where's your baby? Oh, just with friends round there.

So safe. Show me. Eh...

Oh! Oh!

Oh, my fucking God.

Let him have my special milk. It's sweet with love.

Milky Sue, no!

Milky Sue?

You should have seen this coming with a name like that.

You told me her name was Sue. Just her nickname.

Jo, Patty's coming. Get my baby off that hippy's tit!

Please. No.

Patty! What the hell are you doing? Nothing.

I'm just pleased to see you. We're having a lovely day.

Me and the baby have bonded like fuckers. Where is he?

Just round there. Show me. Why?

Milky Sue, give me the baby! No. Wait!

What's wrong with you? I want to tell you something.

Dan, where is your child? He's fine.

Hey, Patty!

Milky Sue, let him go.

It feels so natural.

Patty, I'm a bad dad. I know.

Sheba!

I love him too much.

I'm lost without you.

Milky Sue, please, please.

Oh...

Sheba!

What the fuck?

Sheba!

Sheba!

HE RETCHES

Sheba!

Strike three, right?

Fucking hell, Dan. It wasn't me.

It was a blind man and a woman called Milky Sue.

Who the fuck is...?

Never mind. We have narrowly avoided having our baby

taken into care 48 hours before his christening.

You are not having any more days on your own with him.

Not until his old enough to get a licence for a Taser.

Jesus Christ, Dan, you talk about us being a family.

Oh...

ORGAN PLAYS

She'll come round, Dan. My mum used to leave me

in a cattery when she had a lot on and I turned out fine.

And I always land on my feet if you push me off a wall.

Oh, bloody hell, look at that. Face like a smacked arse.

You know the rules about sulking, Daniel.

What's wrong now?

Oh, nothing. This is just probably last time I'll ever see my son,

that's all.

It's lucky that you've got us, isn't it?

You're my little lamb. You're the one that needs looking after.

I'll get out my banjolele later and sing you to sleep.

God.

HE SIGHS

What are they? Brian's happy pills.

I stole them this morning

cos Sue says they can make you into a serial killer.

That is the best news I've heard all week.

It's not that bad, Dan.

Yes, fine, thank you.

Brian! Hurray! And you look so well.

Funny, isn't it? Who'd have thought conventional medicine would be more

effective than a woman who will breast-feed anything with a mouth?

Sorry, Brian. Anyway, Sue has gone to Thailand to learn how to float

off the ground using her mind.

Shut up. Come on.

HE SIGHS

Amen. ALL: Amen.

Now, we shall proceed with our joyous baptism.

ORGAN PLAYS

Brian, how long till these happy pills kick in? Dan! My what?

Your happy pills. I haven't got happy pills.

Jo? I'm sorry, Brian.

I'm just worried. I've told Dan about your tablets.

Yeah, and I'm here to tell you they don't work. You've taken one?

Double popped. What? Shut up. I always double pop.

Look at the size of me.

Last time I had a shit I took a week.

Dan, they're not happy pills, they're for... They're recreational.

After what happened with Ally.

What happened with me? Nothing.

Not sure but whatever it was he's now on tablets.

Narrow it down, Brian.

Was it before or after Ally tossed you off at War Museum?

Oh, that! Don't worry, Brian. We all have off days.

Oh, my...

Hectic pills! Sh! Jo, you nutter.

You've made me take a king size dose of cock pills!

Oh, no. I've had one.

Brian, I'm not going to grow a dick, am I?

No, Jo, you are not going to grow a dick.

I can't, Brian. Not here. Not at my own child's christening.

They only work if you get aroused.

So just don't get aroused. Can you manage that in a church?

DANCE MUSIC PLAYS, GROANING

ORHAN PLAYS

HE GASPS

DANCE MUSIC PLAYS, GROANING

HE GASPS

DANCE MUSIC PLAYS, HEAVY BREATHING

HE MOUTHS

But you were entranced by it. Pervert baby.

LAUGHTER

Oh, no!

SHE LAUGHS

And would baby Lipsey,

the parents and the godparents please join us at the front?

And do we have the father?

Dan. I'm fine, thanks.

Is he coming or not?

No, no, no, no. You're all right.

We usually have Daddy at the altar. Dan. Get up here now.

I don't want to.

He doesn't like me anyway, so... Daniel.

Do you need some assistance? Get up, lad. No, I can't.

Come along, man.

He's able bodied, no? Technically.

Come on, you silly bugger.

No. Nesta, You don't...

THEY GASP

Crumbs.

BABY GURGLES

Oh, yeah, now he looks at me.

Oh, you are a filthy sod

Mucky as tar and caked in blood

When uncle hears of your sins too good

He'll kick you down the stairs

No supper for you till the chores are done

No bread or dripping for you, my son.

For uncle wants you light as a crumb

When he kicks you down the stairs

Your arm will break and your shin will too

Your bladder will burst like a popped balloon

Your head will split and you'll be through

When he kicks you down the stairs.

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