All language subtitles for Malcolm s05e16 Malcolm Visits College.eng

No more junk food

>From now on we are going to be
a family that eats healthy.

Brownie?

I have my first
college visit coming up.

I get to stay overnight
in a dorm, tour the campus

and spend 18 hours pretending
my family doesn't exist.

I actually skipped all the way
to school today.

I probably should've stopped
once I passed the football field...

but who cares?

My body may have been stuffed
in a trash can,

but my mind was taking a shower
with a college chick.

Come on, there's tons of reasons
to go out with a guy like me.

To make your dad mad,
or your boyfriend jealous.

Maybe you just hate yourself,
or have a sick curiosity.

I don't know, I can't do
all the work for you!

I thought at least I had a
chance with the fat ride.

Did you actually
call her that?

Hey, I didn't make her fat.

Who is that?

That's christie.
She's the new narc.

We have a new narc ?
What happened to to druggie dougie ?

He got served divorce papers
in history class.

Aw, come on, she's so cute !
She's a narc?

Hey, papers?
Anyone got papers?

Hey, papers?
Anybody got papers?

Do you even know anyone
who does drugs?

Why are you asking me?
I don't have any friends.

But sometimes,
I do have brilliant ideas.

Where are you going?

Malcolm, I live in a world
of what the hells.

oh, man, I am so...

Never mind.

You can't do this to me!

Dad's supposed to take me,
not you!

Malcolm, this is your first
visit to a university.

Your father and I talked it
over and we both agreed.

This is a big deal.
And we don't want to blow it.

If I come along,I can make sure

that you don't say or do
anything that you shouldn'T.

I can take a little
of the pressure off you.

Wait a second

You guys are talking about
college for malcolm and not me?

I'm a year older than he is.

Why aren't you taking me
to look at colleges?

Well, son...

I'm just screwing with you.
Relax.

Dewey, dinner.

I guess he'll eat it cold again.

What the hell
are you doing back here?!

The pianos are for
paying customers only!

You're wearing out the keys!

I'm not going
to buy you a piano.

You've never even had lessons.

I don't need lessons.
I already know how to play.

I'm great. Look.

That's very cute, dewey,
but we can't afford a piano.

Do you know how close my company
is to going out of business?

They're selling our
office furniture

and forcing us
to have desk buddies.

Dad, you don't know me
very well,

but you couldn't have missed the fact
that I'm having a horrible childhood.

Now there's a chance for you
to make it suck a little less.

I said no.
End of discussion.

Now you're just going to have to find
some other way to amuse yourself.

I don't understand it !

I told all the guests
about my hayride for lovers

on friday night,
and no one signed up.

Well, most of the guests
have children.

They can't just abandon them
to go on a couples-only hayride.

We're only allowing couples.
Ah, well, then there--

there is the solution.

We will start
a child care center.

Oh, otto, I don't think...

it will be wonderful.

We will have posture contests,

and I can show them
slides of my childhood

in postwar germany.

They will love it.

Otto, as great as that idea is,
I wouldn't set my heart on it.

These people came here
to spend time with their families.

They're not just going to dump
their children the first chance they get.

Can we leave them overnight?

..And the delivery's on time?
- Good.

I've got a lot of
hungry customers.

I didn't see you.
Are you ready?

I think you're going to be
pleasantly surprised

by how much ice cream I can eat.

Look, Reese ... Euuuuuh

You know, we got coffee,
and we saw a movie,

and we went skating.

I thought hanging out with you
would involve a little more...

partying.

Don't you have like
a friend or maybe

someone you know of
or someone you heard rumors about

that could help us out?

Hey, I got to trust somebody
before I party with them.

Well, you trust me, don't you?
- Not yet.

but there must be
some way a hot girl like you

can get a desperate guy
like me to trust you.

Hey, why don't we go park
by the river

and see if we can think
of something.

I hope you weren't hunched over
like that during your interview.

Why didn't you tell him about
your extracurricular activities?

How do you even know
what I said?

Did you have your ear pressed up
against the door?

You should be less concerned
about what I did

and a little bit more concerned
about your own performance.

And next time say "bless you"
when he sneezes.

These people are looking for
any excuse not to like you.

All right, 230.

You walked me to my dorm room,
you chose my lunch,

you tucked in my shirt in
the middle of orientation.

Now will you
please just leave?

Why are you in such a hurry
to get rid of me?

Because I'm supposed to be doing
this stuff on my own.

I'm just here to make sure you
do it on your own the right way.

Hi. Are you malcolm?
Yeah.

I'm paula. And this
is andrea and scott.

I guess we're all going
to be roommates tonight.

Cool. Well, I'll put my bags...
- Excuse me.

You mean you boys and you girls
are staying in the same room?

Yeah. It'll be just like
really being in college.

There !

Now we'll all have the same
version of what happened here.

That's exactly
what I would have done, lois.

Yep. Camped out in the room.

You didn't happen to take
the oven timer, did you?

I can't understand this...

all week stuff has been disappearing
right from under my nose.

It's like I put something down,
and then it's just gone.

No, it's not even anything
worth stealing.

It's as if someone is trying
to make me crazy on purpose.

You're probably right.
I love you, too.

Bye.

What the...?

Can I please have
some more lemonade?

What a wonderfully polite
little boy.

Please, take
a sewing kit

and
a small moisturizer.

Otto, none of the parents
showed up for the hayride.

Their kids are here.

It's so weird.
Nobody's answering their phones,

so I went by all their rooms.
They all have "do not disturb"...

I guess I better go get
a pep talk ready

for housekeeping
in the morning.

Mom, what are you doing
with my underwear?!

You had it all crammed
up there in the corner.

Wrinkled clothes are the sign
of a disorganized mind.

So then I took a guided tour of the
plaza de espana in barthelona.

I'm not mispronouncing it.
That's the way they say it.

Barthelona.

That is so interesting.

I wish I was
more interesting both (?!?)

Do you think it would be
pretentious to use the word

"legerdemain" into a
conversation with the dean?

What am I saying?

Of course it's pretentious.

I'm such a lackwit.

Relax. If you can't be
pretentious in college,

where can you be pretentious?
- Really?

So when I get to college

it'd be okay if I called
myself antigone?

Of course.

all right, kid, here's the deal,

my name is leland.

More importantly,
I'm the R.A,

which stands for
resident advisor,

which means I'm in charge
of this floor.

So you're going to have
to keep the music down.

Is it really that loud?

Listen, guy,

I can either be your best friend
or your worst nightmare.

Now turn the radio down.

Is there a problem here?

Who are you?

I'm his mother.

I'm supervising these kids
in this coed room

which I cannot believe
your school condones.

You know, ma'am,

that's not what I'm here about.

That radio is at least five dbs
above the approved noise level.

I'd hate to have
to confiscate it or

move on to more
serious consequences.

You know what, leland?
I've been to college.

I know exactly how much
power and authority an ra has.

Good night.

Malcolm, your mom
is awesome.

I am so glad
you brought her.

This horn's from dad's van,

and this one's
from mom's car

and this one's
from the ice cream truck.

Dewey. What are you doing?

The spout fell down.
I'm fixing it.

Good boy.

Listen, I talked with
mrs. Hittelman down the block

and she said that if you want,
you can use her piano.

Thanks anyway, dad, but I found
something else to amuse myself.

Oh. Well, good.

Hey, have you
seen my hair dryer?

I swear, it's like stuff is
just getting up and walking off.

Either that or someone's
messing with me.

Dad, I think I figured out
what's going on.

Somebody's sneaking into
the house and stealing stuff.

Probably punks.

No, not punks, son. Just good kids
who got lost along the way.

Either way, they're going down.

And then the priest said,
"those aren't my galoshes."

mom is actually
letting me walk all the way to the vending machine

and back without tying
a string to my waist.

This moment is almost as sweet
as the candy you can't have.

Denied candy

If I were 12
years younger

I guess I'd cry.

What's going
on out here?

Oh, God, no...

The snack bar is closed.

You're denying
my son candy?.

Mom, it doesn't matter.
I'll just go down to the next floor.

Use of the vending machine
is a privilege,

not a right.

If my son wants
a candy bar

he
can have a candy bar.

You don't get to decide for him.

I get to decide.

Do I even need
to be here for this?

Since I'm the one
with the key to the lock,

I think I'm in charge.

Come on.
This isn't over yet.

Mom, why don't you
just put me in a diaper?

One thing at
a time, malcolm.

First, we're going to
get you that candy.

...And my parents
they just drive me crazy.

I just need
to ditch reality

and escape sometimes.

You know what I mean?

Look, Christie...

here's the thing.

When I first met you,
I was just messing around,

but we've gotten
so close that now...

I really like you.

I can't keep this up anymore.

What do you mean?

I'm not the person
you think I am.

I've been pretending
since the day I met you.

It's so hard
having to constantly

cover my tracks
to keep my story straight,

and I don't want to anymore.

I'm tired of living this lie.

I think I know your secret

No, actually, you don't,

but it doesn't matter
'cause I'm done with it.

I'm sorry

did you get all that?

Yeah, it looks
like he's gone straight.

So if we're going to bust
this kid, we better do it now.

All malcolm wanted
was a candy bar,

but leland put a lock
on the vending machine.

We can't let him get
away with this.

I want to go on record:
I hated him first.

This would never
happen in barcelona.

Why are americans
so immature?

Why don't you just write
an angry note or-or a missive

after I get accepted?

Look, scott, you'll face
jerks and

tyrants
like leland all your life.

The sooner you learn how
to deal with them, the better.

And no one's chances
of getting into this school

are going to be affected.

He is going to
hand over that key.

How ?

I don't know yet.

but there is plenty of ways

to force people
to do what you want.

You can find something
incriminating in their room.

You can get dirt
from a bitter ex,

or you can make a blanket accusation
with absolute conviction

and just wait for them
to blurt out something.

Wait

You use that trick
on me all the time.

No, sweetie, that's
a different thing entirely.

We've gotta get
malcolm some candy.

Well, I guess I'll be cool
and popular after college.

Dewey ?

Dad! In here!
Quick!

What is it ?

I just saw someone
sneak out with mom's robe.

Good eye, son !

Everything is fine.

Nothing in here
but children

enjoying themselves dancing
and skipping like young lambs.

Come again soon.

Otto, it's francis.
I have the dvds. Let me in.

we have a
slight problem.

You know how i wanted everything
to be special for the children.

So I went to the store

and I got those cookies

and then I saw this
old-fashioned hard lemonade,

I bought three cases.

Hard lemonade?
That has alcohol in it.

Yes, francis, i said
there was a problem.

Who lives in a pineapple
under the sea?

I do. I do.

Don't tell me to
use my indoor voice.

Why don't you use
your indoor voice?.

I'm not just
saying it, man.

We should totally
have a play date.

Oh my god !

These parents trusted me
with their little ones

and I've poisoned them.

What kind of a monster am I?

Otto, you made an honest mistake,
but everything's gonna be okay.

As long as the kids are in here,
they're safe.

I'm an invisible robot!
The rules don't apply to me!

Well

it's a little early for
christmas carols, isn't it?

Leland I think we got off
on the wrong foot earlier.

Obviously, this job
is very important to you.

Who knows where you could find
another the respect and power.

You know, it would
be such a shame

if somehow you got fired
and had to go back home

where your older brother and sister

get all the attention that you deserve.

Do you really want to risk that
for a 75-cent candy bar?

You really have me pegged--

except for what you're
forgetting is--

the lower the stakes,

the greater the thrill from
the arbitrary exercise of power.

If this were a one-cent candy
bar, I'd be on the moon.

I happen to be
a control freak.

If you get me
fired,

I'll just find some other job
where I can be a control freak.

Kinko's is looking
for a night manager.

Either way,

I've already written
negative-evaluation e-mails of these kids

to the office
of admissions.

All I have to do
is hit "send."

She overloaded
a wall socket, too!

We're just like
the bulls in pamplona.

Now, you.

Any freshman psych major

can see it's obvious life didn't pan out
the way you thought it would,

so now to make up for it,
you have to run your kid's life.

I don't know who
to root for.

The simple truth is,
you're just too afraid

to let go of
the one thing in your life

that may be a success.

But, hey, you don't have
to take my word for it.

Why don't we just ask the other mothers here
and see what they think?

Oh, that's right.
There are no other mothers here.

You just cost this floor
their electricity privileges.

- Mom ?
- I can do this.

- What ?
- I wanted to help you,

to take care of things for you,
but you know what ?

I'm just not up to it.

I think you should
do this on your own.

What ?

It's time for me
to step aside

and let you handle things.

Malcolm, I know
you can do this.

Unless I missed the sarcasm,

I think she meant that.

I've actually been given
permission to run my own life.

Well, at least
get my own candy bar.

But you know what ?

I want that candy bar more
than I want my next breath.

I have a plan.

Malcolm, what
are you doing?

My plan !

Well, get your foot
out of the door.

It's stuck.

By the way,

our madrigal group is having a sing-off
against jazzmatazz tomorrow.

You should check it out
before you leave.

all right, jamie,

this'll put a stop
to all the stealing.

And your father is
a reasonable man,

but sometimes
even he can be pushed too far.

You don't poke the bear.

Police! Nobody move!

We have a warrant
to search these premises

on suspicion of possession of narcotics.

Nice !

Narcotics ?

sir, we need you
to just remain calm,

we'll get through this
as quickly as possible.

Weren't you annie oakley
in the school play?

but I wasn't very good.

My stuff !

Oh my god !

All this time, you were just
using me to get to my dad?

And all this time
you were selling drugs,

and you never even
bought us a dvd player?

Get him out of here.

Hey... doctor man...

it must be great
saving people all day.

What do I do?

Play kickball.

They're going to have
some spectacular headaches,

but, uh,
otherwise they'll be fine.

That is good news.
Thank you for coming out here, doctor.

I don't say anything about this,
you don't say anything

about the keys
I left in your gallbladder.

Deal.

So what are we going to do
about the parents?

come on, honey.

It's time to go back to the room
with your wonderful, wonderful father.

Thank you so much.
You saved our marriage.

I almost forgot
she was a woman.

Let's go, son.

Whoa, dad.

You want to turn
the volume down?

It's not a total loss.

When they took the door
off the hinges,

they discovered
leland had a hot plate.

We all got to watch while they made him
unplug it and put it in the closet.

Don't you worry
about it, honey.

Just be glad
this was our safety school.

When we go to yale,

I promise I'll be
much more on top of things.

Synchro : Skool
Merci a RaceMan pour le transcript !

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