Original subtitles

There it is. Kill it. A spider has as much right to live as you or I.

Alright, girls? OK, Pete and Cathy, you're next.

It is so great to see you again. Great to see you too.

For those of you without partners, we've done a random pairing.

Mike and Christina. Reese and George.

I'm Reese. I'm George.

You can call me George. I can eat eight hot dogs.

That's good, George(!)

You've got to be kidding me!

It's weird being away from the friends I grew up with. I bet.

Malcolm, can I ask you something? Sure.

If you liked somebody, and you had no idea if they liked you back,

would you say something?

I've always thought honesty was a good thing. Me too.

But what if they lived too far away and it'd be really hard?

I like you too, Laurie. I really like you.

Honestly, you have no idea.

I've liked you for years. I think about you all the time.

Oh, no! What?

Oh, my God! I am so sorry!

I was talking about Gary Spindler!

Oh, no! Erm, it's OK.

No! This is so humiliating! It's all my fault.

Malcolm, I am so sorry!

Really, it's not that... "Malcolm and Laurie."

Remember, you're only going to be tied together for three hours.

Let's get hopping.

He is never home.

We last had dinner together six months ago... with his boss!

Did I tell you about our anniversary?

I bought $30's worth of candles.

I wore a negligee the size of a postage stamp.

He walks in an hour late and spends six hours in a computer chat room.

I drank an entire bottle of champagne then I passed out.

I woke up with the dog licking my face.

And I actually thought it was my husband!

I'm gonna find my boys.

As if he would show me any kind of affection.

To him, I'm the fat lady that answers his psychiatrist's phone.

In my mind, I do see myself as a 200-pounder.

But I have seen the way other men look at me.

Wanda! So good to see you again. Wanda, Meg. Wanda, Meg.

Why don't you get to know each other? I'll be right back.

So, how do you know Lois?

Que?

I like you. You're fun. I like you too.

Want some of my candy?

(YELLS)

Fill up on that bread. It's better you get sick on that than on candy.

I got enough to worry about without you going crazy on me.

Stay here!

Hi, Lois. Are you hiding back here? No, just enjoying the shade.

Did you meet your new boss? Yep. How did it go? Fine. We hit it off.

What happened? What do you mean? It went well. He likes me.

Is it so hard to imagine I made a good first impression? Mr Landon?

You should give me a little credit. Hey, boss!

Is he calling you...? Of course he isn't!

Whatever you were going to say, he isn't.

I'm not going anywhere until... Lois!

Mr Landon!

Did I tell you that his mother is coming to visit me this week?

She despises me, but at least she talks to me.

My husband hasn't said two words besides, "Where's the remote?"

and "How far are those gonna sag?"

This isn't a good time.

Every year, he has to go to this stupid get-together

for his friends from college. We're about to go to this party

and he tells me not to say anything stupid.

I embarrass him one time!

I didn't know who Ernest Hemingway was.

Boys, you got ten minutes. Leave your wallets and valuables in here.

You gotta get out on the ice and warm up.

I don't think I can play. My glute cramped up on the ride over.

You have to play. Go lay down on that table.

You! Get over there. Give him a good, strong massage.

Work that knot out of his glute. Out of his what?

No way! He's our goalie. We need him.

No! Look, you owe me $604.

You do this, I'll take off $1.50.

$1.50?! And if you don't, I'll charge you $50 for the ride home.

The rest of you, get out there. Show 'em what you got.

Here. You're responsible for these valuables till after the game.

Don't be afraid to dig in deep.

If it helps, I'll unhitch the trap door.

Get up, you idiot! Are you stupid?

I said, hustle for the breaks! Hustle!

I was in the locker room and the other coach approached me.

What's that reptilian sack of dog logs trying to pull now?

He wants to make a wager with you on the outcome of the game.

$642, to be exact. I don't bet. I earn my money and hold on to it.

He said you'd be afraid. Oh, he did?

He also said John Grisham was a hack with no sense of plot

and a tin ear for dialogue. He said that about Mr Grisham?

Alright, he wants to bet? We'll bet. Tell him to make it 700.

He was pretty adamant about the $642. Fine.

Hey, Chuck! I need you to hold on to some bet money.

That idiot Clarence has no idea what we got in store for him.

Easiest 700 I ever made. (WHISTLE) >

What's with my skates? The blades are so dull.

Somebody unscrewed mine. I got Vaseline on my grip tape.

(KLAXON)

Go, go, go, go!

Besides, it's unlucky to kill it in the house.

OK. Hello, little fella. Come on, sweetheart.

Oh! (SHRIEKS)

(SCREAMS) (SCREAMS)

Go, go, go!

Door! Open the door!

The back? Side? Side. No, back. No, side! Run!

Oh, my God, did we just...? Go. She can only ground me.

Get your keys and go. But...! Go!

(LOIS SCREAMS)

Yes, no, maybe

I don't know

Can you repeat the question?

You're not the boss of me now

You're not the boss of me now

You're not the boss of me now and you're not so big

You're not the boss of me now

You're not the boss of me now and you're not so big

Life is unfair

My dad's company picnic is tomorrow. Laurie will be there.

I've had a crush on her since third grade. (GRUNTS)

I haven't seen her since she moved last year.

I've grown four inches, but I can't count on that.

If I do 10,000 of these, I should have something to show by tomorrow.

No candy tomorrow, understand? I'll be fine!

You won't. What happened at the last company picnic?

I got into a fight with that red-headed boy.

Why did you do that? Because I ate candy.

Because you ate candy. You do not metabolise sugar well.

You get mean, crazy, get into fights and end up crying.

Do you want that to happen again this year? No. Get ready for bed.

OK. What do you think?

This or this? What are you doing?!

This is an important function. It's a company picnic.

Attended by my new boss whom I haven't met yet.

Gotta start off on the right foot. You're making too much of this.

No, I am not! You have to make a good first impression.

It sets the tone for the relationship.

Al, this is your new supervisor, Miss Plum.

I look forward to working with you.

Same here.

Oh, and what do we have here?

My... big, fat sto-mach.

I'd like you to meet your staff, but I'm not sure where they are.

(LAUGHTER)

It is great to meet you, Mr Jacobson.

I want you to know I'm gonna do a terrific job for you.

Great. Have you met my daughter and son-in-law?

No, I haven't. Kelly? Steve? I want you to meet somebody.

Hi. I'm Hal. Hi. So nice to...

Oh, my God! There's a toothpick in my eye!

She's gushing blood! Put a tourniquet on her neck!

I'm outside of my body. I can see a light.

Grandma? Is that you? I'll chew off your face,

spit it out and dance on it! I'm gonna kill you!

I'm gonna drag your carcass through the street.

She's got a toothpick in her eye!

It's like a chess game. Every subtle move is vital.

(STRAINS) Eight.

God, what did you do? You're huge! Shut up.

Be careful. You might frighten Laurie with your savage manliness.

Who says I'm doing it for Laurie? So Laurie's fair game?

I wonder if she likes older men. Don't. I really like this girl.

Please! It's my first chance to see her since she moved away.

I'm asking you as a brother. Please don't be a jerk and screw this up.

Wow, this desperate grovelling is new for you. Keep it up.

Call yourselves a hockey team?

To beat McCallister Oil you'll have to play better than that.

You're making stupid mistakes, missing opportunities.

Keep your mind on the game! Are our pay cheques here yet?

Aren't you done with that sink yet? There's more than when I started.

You don't leave until it's finished. It'd be faster if Eric helped.

I'm not letting my star player near that toxic filth.

I slave away by myself just because he plays hockey?

He doesn't just play hockey. He skates like the wind.

He's got a 70mph slapshot. Well, indoors, fresh ice.

We'll teach those thugs a lesson they won't forget.

Those chicks won't know what hit 'em. You're playing girls?

The men won't play us till we beat the ladies' team.

Those girls play dirty, make fun of us, and steal our women.

Wow! People who are more humiliated than me. I'd love to see that.

Wish granted. You're our equipment manager. What?!

Rinaldo came down with jock lung. Here's your cheque.

Eric, there's a little extra for you. Thanks.

There's no money in this cheque. It says I owe you $14.

I didn't buy anything last week. Cost-of-living increases.

Your room, board, pillow rental and the rubber gloves, princess(!)

This is insane!

I won't work 60 hours a week and still owe you money. I quit!

Fine. Give me the $604 you racked up and you can go.

What? How can I have possibly $604 when you keep taking my money?

Shut up! And get back to work.

Don't let your equipment-manager duties get in the way of your real work.

Man, that sucks.

(PHONE RINGS)

Hello? It's Francis. I'm in a real bind.

I don't have any money. "Hear me out."

Tell Mom they're sending the smart kids to Washington, DC,

get $600 and spend a weekend at Stevie's. Reese, phone.

Hello? Reese. You know the hardware store? The entry way is slippery...

Dewey, phone.

Francis? Yeah. Money? Yeah.

I don't know why I go to these things. I am so nervous.

My stomach sounds like a bunch of dogs fighting.

Get your ear down there. Hal, you'll be fine.

What are you doing? Just keep moving.

Is your new boss even here? They're all here.

There's Landon. He's the head of the whole company.

Of course the new guy's here. Don't talk nonsense!

You've never met him. Do you know who you're hiding from?

That's a good point.

Is the new boss here yet? Yeah. He's right over there.

Let me know when you'll introduce yourself.

We figure you'll set him on fire. Don't give him ideas. Bet's off.

I'm nervous enough as it is. We're just teasing you.

You'll do fine. You and I both know that's a lie.

Yeah, well, I tried.

Hi, Mom. Splendid day for a picnic.

You want to do this the easy way or the hard way?

The hard way. Spread 'em.

I won't always be around to do this. You have to control yourself.

I know.

Undies.

Malcolm? Laurie, hi. It is so good to see you.

Yeah. Good to see you too.

I can't believe how tall you are. Yeah, well, you know...

I've missed you guys so much. I've missed you too.

I mean, we've all missed you. Everyone. Not just me.

Are you doing the three-legged hunt? What?

They tie your leg to another person's and send you to find stuff.

You can win $100. I just need a partner.

Do you want to do it? Really? Yeah, it sounds great.

Cool. Is that your brother?

Hi, Reese. Sorry. I'm gay. OK.

(You owe me!)

Do you work for the company or are you a drag-along? A drag-along.

Me too. My husband drags me along

then runs off and talks to his friends.

I hide. Hide? From my kids.

It's great to have somebody to talk to. I'm bad at social situations.

My psychiatrist says I'm emotionally detached

and that I have paranoid fantasies about what people think about me.

(GIGGLES)

It can get really ugly. False accusations, crying attacks.

I don't know why my husband married me. I know why I married him.

I'm addicted to disapproval. Ah. Really?

Yeah. Of course, I only have myself to blame.

He's exactly like my father was. Oh, my God! He was so judgemental.

Every time I spoke, I felt I was torturing him.

Wow, they're good. They got nothing on my boy.

How's the diarrhoea? You feeling alright? Tiptop.

There's Lavernia. I hear she might actually have a team this year.

Think we ought to adjust the front line? Clarence?

Clarence! What?

Hey, Lavernia! I was afraid you'd show your face.

Not that I was afraid you'd play me, just that you'd show your face.

Hello, Clarence. I thought you only gave pep talks in your van.

You'll get a boyfriend one day.

You'll have a moment of bliss,

then you'll bite his head off and lay your eggs in his decapitated body.

Was that comment necessary? That's why people don't like you.

People like me. Who doesn't like me?

I got a good feeling about today. These girls aren't so tough.

Wait till I get out there. I'm gonna... (SCREAMS)

How's my breath? It seems fine.

Not too minty? That can be just as bad.

Please give me back my compact.

OK, get in, get out, just say hello and go.

No. (GASPS)

Mr Landon. Hello. I told you about the first time I met this guy?

The urinal-cake guy? (LAUGHS) Unbelievable.

But I didn't fire him. He's one of our finest systems managers.

It goes to show that even a gibbering idiot can surprise you.

That would make a great chapter heading for your new book.

I thought he dropped his pill case. Excuse me for being considerate!

Hi! John Pratt. It is a pleasure to meet you.

Hi. You are a hard man to find. I had to have someone point you out.

Well, it's not like I'm avoiding you.

(BOTH LAUGH)

I heard you had a great sense of humour.

I know it's gonna be great working with you.

Oh, yeah? Yeah.

I should get back to my family now.

Right. Sorry to hold you up.

It is a real pleasure to meet you, Mr Landon. Same here.

Wow, these are nice woods!

Come on, Malcolm, we're still friends!

We can still have fun, right? Why don't you help me with this clue?

"North of the fork and up a small hill,

under a joke without J is a yellow bill."

This doesn't make any sense!

You'd think they'd make sense! Gary Spindler?!

Malcolm! What do you see in him? He high-fives people when they decide

what they want on their pizza! He still says, "It's the bomb!"

"Hi, I'm Gary. I have a laser pointer!"

He's nice. Can we concentrate on the scavenger hunt

or we'll fall behind! It's a yellow duck

under that oak tree there. Joke without J, oke. Oak tree.

The fork was back there.

(SQUEAKS)

Wow, you were right! That's great, Malcolm!

You're good at this! Yes, I am. I have a lot of other good qualities.

There's lots of things to like about me if I was given half a chance!

Can we just do this? Fine.

OK, clue number two.

"Look for this gem on an overgrown hem."

"Stay to your right or it might take all night."

For God's sakes! Gary Spindler?!

What's going on out there? We've gone back two goals!

I can't get speed with these skates! Get them sharpened!

I already had Francis sharpen them twice! (COUGHS)

Besides, number 32 is amazing! She's a monster! She's crippled our front line!

(CHUCKLES)

Sorry to take you away from your family, Mr Landon. About this Mr Lan- I know, Bert.

Bert, I need your help! The cubicle dwellers are getting restless. Ah.

Apparently they know about my reputation for downsizing. I thought

you could shoot them a little BS to calm them down. Actually, I...

Great! Hey, everybody! I know there are some concerns here

so I've brought Mr Landon over to put your minds at ease.

Now, he's taking time away from his family so not too many questions.

This is beautiful! Phil, Mr Landon would like to put our minds at ease!

Isn't that right, Bert?

Hal?! Ah, Bert. Albert.

Halbert. Hal! You know?

I'm sensing a lot of confusion here but the keyword to keep in mind

is loyalty.

When you're worried about your job it's very tempting

to make a fellow co-worker look bad

but who really cares if someone's wife's an alcoholic...

..or that someone has an unnatural attraction to women in suits?

The important thing is we're in this together!

And remember, nobody likes a snitch!

So, let's have a great picnic, huh?

Hah-hah!

"Go north of the fork and up a small hill."

"Under a joke without J is a yellow bill."

I don't see a fork. I saw a broken spoon! Shut up! I'm trying to think

of a joke without a lot of Js in it! Ohh, I found a cup.

You're supposed to look for a fork! You know, a fork? The little thing

with... things! Geez! You go. I'll stay here.

We're tied to each other, you idiot!

Oomph! Ooh! (GRUNTS)

Oomph! Aaah!

Got it! Five more and we win!

Five more and we win. You're a genius! Thanks.

You're, er,... big.

(MUFFLED) Help!

Yeah! Lavernia, looks like we're gonna make it nine years in a row!

Maybe we should put our pregnant girls in, make it more of a game!

Wh-Who is that helping? All that's gonna do is make her feel bad

plus now all our pregnant girls are gonna wanna get in the game!

Number 32 is killing us!

Looks like it's time for a little strategy!

# "Bad To The Bone" Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

Oomph! Argh!

(REVVING CHAIN SAW ACCOMPANIES MUSIC)

Eric! Yeah!

(ALL CHEER)

Now let's play some hockey!

(WHISTLE)

(REGGAE MUSIC)

You were amazing! I would never have found those kids without you!

You know something? Together we make the perfect three-legged person!

I wish we could stay like this forever! Yeah.

Wait! Why can't we? There's people that do surgeries!

You're the smartest guy I've ever met! Thanks, buddy.

We've got to find that fork.

Hey,... I... want... candy!

What did I tell you? Sit in that chair until the picnic is over!

Excuse me? Are you Lois?

Yes. Where do you get off talking to my wife about my mother?!

I wet my bed every night until I was 16.

My mother changed those sheets

for years and never said a word! I don't care if they don't get along.

My mother's important to me. I never said anything about your mother!

By the way, I don't have a porn problem!

She introduced it into our home!

I don't have any interest - It was her idea and now I'm the pervert!

I don't know what it is about porn. Maybe it's the safety of emotional distance! That's it!

If you're gonna make me do this we're gonna do this. Now sit down!

Your problem is you both see yourselves as victims.

You've got to talk to each other. There's a thing called give and take

to make it work. Do you understand? Yes. I'm not finished!

If you're gonna make this work you have to make sure that you are home

every night at 6:30, not 6:35. Create an atmosphere of trust.

(HOOTER)

I think we might win! Damn right! I've got 600 bucks riding on it!

What are you doing? You're a man short. Where's Amis?

He ran out yelling about government helicopters and murderous clones.

(THUMPING) 'Hello? Is anybody there?'

Don't worry. I'll cover for him. Alright. You're a good man, Francis.

I'm doing what anybody would do.

Sorry.

Hey, look at this! We're doing great! You're so good at this.

Stop! What are you doing?! I'm sorry!

I'm sorry! I'm sorry! Just tell me, what's your big problem with me?

Malcolm! Seriously, I want to know!

Am I too short? Am I too smart? Malcolm, can we please drop this?

I'm smart. Is that a crime? I'm sorry I'm not a moron like Gary Spindler!

Malcolm, stop it! What are you doing?

Tell me why you don't like me. Why are you doing this?

I want an answer! I can't believe I liked you!

You liked me?! I knew it! I wasn't crazy! You did like me!

So what the hell has changed? Tell me! I defy you to tell me!

Nothing! That's the problem!

You're still the obsessive whining know-it-all who doesn't listen!

But you did like me!

Malcolm, I DON'T like you! Can you get that through your head?

Before I just didn't have a crush on you. And now I can't stand you!

You want me to tell you why I don't like you? You want me to tell you

why I like nice, funny Gary Spindler and absolutely despise bitter

annoying Malcolm? Do you? Look,... Well, I'm gonna tell you!

There is something wrong with you!

I don't know how you do it! You're cute, smart, funny

and somehow you managed to mess that up!

Like today. It was an awkward situation, but it would've passed.

But you just kept picking at it and picking at it until it turned

into this big horrible thing! There is something wrong inside you!

There's something rotten at the core of your personality!

You're just off! That's not even the worst thing!

I... want... candy! I opened my purse to get a Tic Tac

and he dropped out of a tree on my back! I am so sorry!

Now you go and you sit down in that chair and you put your head down!

OK. Did you straighten things out with Pratt?

Almost. Oh, for God's sake, Hal! Where is he? I'll talk to him.

No! It's too late now. It would be awkward. Hal, you work with the man.

He'll find out! It'll be two seconds of embarrassment and then it's over.

Now go!

Pratt, do you have a moment? For you, Bert? Of course!

You're fired! What?

I don't think it's working out.

I haven't started yet! What could you be basing this on?

My gut. I didn't get this far without trusting my instincts.

I'm sorry, son. I think it's best if you just leave the picnic now.

They have foil if you wanna wrap that up.

(SOBS) I'm so sorry, Malcolm! I just started talking and I couldn't stop.

And I said all those mean things. I didn't even mean half of them!

Who am I to say that your kids would be screwed up?

You might not even have kids! Are you OK?

(SOBS) I think I can stop crying now.

Can you get me more leaves? Oh, Malcolm!

No, really, I'm fine. No, Malcolm,

that's poison oak!

Of course it is!

Take the shot!

(CRASHING / WHISTLE)

Ahh, geez, guys! Am I bad?! How could I have done that?!

Ahh, don't beat yourself up, buddy. We all make mistakes.

Shake it off. You're doing your best.

Eric, I'm doing terrible! Why's everybody being so nice to me?

You're doing your best! You're part of the team. We're in this together.

You boys have all the items on the list. Plus a wallet,

a girl's bracelet and a fork. Give us the 100 bucks. There you go.

Thanks. How about we separate you two?

I'll miss you!

Nice(!)

Mom, you don't have to hold on to me. I'll be good!

OK! Lois! You don't have to thank me.

Let me enjoy the rest of the picnic.

You told my husband I'm insane and should be committed!

I didn't say that! Then how does letting him video-tape us in bed

help our marriage? What?! I didn't tell...

You've gotta stop this! I don't have time for my own family's problems

without listening to you two nutcases! So why don't you just...

(ALL) Oh!

I don't think you understood me.

(ALL) Ohhh!

I don't give a damn what the people say

I'm gonna do it my way, gonna do it my way

I'm gonna let it all out Just doing my thing

A boom-lah-boom and a bang, bang, bang

Boom, bang, boom, bang-bang

Boom, bang, boom, bang-bang Ahhh!

(ALL) Ohhh!

(ALL) Ohh!

(ALL CHEER)

Come on! We can do it! Get in there!

Er, I don't think I... Eric, there's something I've gotta tell...

Dammit! Get up!

Do something! Ooomph! (GRUNTS)

No-o-o-o-o-o-o-o!

(WHISTLE)

Eric, are you OK? Someone took the cup out of my jock!

(GROANS) I'll be fine. Just win this thing!

(WHISTLE) Ohhh!

(WHISTLE) Now, just to be clear, I'm not looking for anything long term here.

(WHISTLE)

(WHISTLE)

Go, go, go!

Go, go, go!

Go, go, go!

Go, go, go!

Go, go, go!

(HOOTER) Yes! Yeah!

You did it, man! Alright! Way to go!

Let me collect my money so we can treat Francis the way he deserves!

You know, there's a funny story about that money.

(ALL) Yeah!

You boys did alright!

Yeah, it was fun. Francis, how you doing?

Well, cold!

It won't be much longer. There's a kid's skating party in a half hour!

(ALL LAUGH)

Dewey!

(GROWLING) >

Dewey, is that...? Oh, my God! (GROWLS)

(GROWLS) Dewey, get away from there!

(GROWLS) Oh! (CONTINUES TO GROWL)

Alright, alright. Everything's gonna be alright.

Come on, baby. Come... to... Mamma! Everything's gonna be OK.

Everything's gonna be OK. Everything's gonna be...

Who's that idiot that just pulled out and flipped everyone off?

That's Pratt, sir. He starts this week. No. No.

The only thing he starts this week is a long lifetime of misery.

You have our friends at the IRS give him a call.

So, maybe we can hang out sometime or something. When you're better.

Oh, come on, Malcolm! It's not that bad. Give me a smile!

Are you smiling?

I can't tell. I'm smiling.

(GROWLS)

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