Original subtitles

HEY.

HEY.

LOOK AT THIS. YOU'RE NOT GOING TO BELIEVE THIS.

GUESS WHAT I PAID FOR THIS SHIRT.

UM...$17.

* TELL ME WHY *

* I LOVE YOU LIKE I DO *

* TELL ME WHO *

* CAN STOP MY HEART AS MUCH AS YOU *

* LET'S TAKE EACH OTHER'S HAND *

* AS WE JUMP INTO THE FINAL FRONTIER *

* I'M MAD ABOUT YOU, BABY **

BOY, WHOEVER THOUGHT OF THIS,

I JUST WANT TO BUY THEM A SODA.

WE GOT TO STOP.

WE REALLY DON'T.

WE GOT TO STOP.

I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHY WE EVER DO ANYTHING BUT THIS.

WE GOT TO--

EXCEPT MAYBE THIS.

STOP!

O.K. I'M SORRY. I'M SORRY!

THAT WAS WRONG, WRONG, WRONG.

DON'T DO THAT!

YOU LOVE THAT.

I KNOW, SO DON'T DO THAT.

WHY NOT?

I'M NOT OVULATING YET.

WELL, I AM.

WE HAVE TO WAIT.

WHY?

LISTEN TO ME. WE ARE GOING TO CONCEIVE.

YES, NO QUESTION.

SO DON'T YOU WANT TO SAY

THAT THIS BABY WAS CREATED

AS THE RESULT OF THE MOST WONDERFUL, PASSIONATE,

BODY-SHATTERING SEX WE'VE EVER HAD?

AS LONG AS NO ONE GETS HURT, SURE.

THE MORE WE RESTRAIN OURSELVES NOW,

THE MORE WE CAN UNLEASH OURSELVES LATER.

YOU HAVE, LIKE, A MEDIEVAL QUALITY TO YOU I DON'T ENJOY.

PLUS, YOU'LL HAVE ALL THAT SPERM SAVED UP AND READY TO GO.

IT'LL BE FUN.

HONEY, I'LL MAKE MORE.

I'M A MACHINE. THAT'S ALL I DO.

THE WHOLE FILMMAKING THING, THAT'S AN ASIDE FOR ME.

IT'S BETTER IF WE DON'T HAVE ANY UNNECESSARY ORGASMS.

O.K. FIRST OF ALL, NO SUCH THING.

GOING TO BE WORTH IT. YOU'LL SEE.

YEAH, MEANWHILE WE HAVEN'T HAD SEX IN THREE WEEKS.

WE'RE LIKE PILGRIMS.

WE'VE GONE THREE WEEKS WITHOUT HAVING SEX BEFORE.

I KNOW, BUT INTENTIONALLY TRYING NOT TO DO IT

MAKES IT THAT MUCH HARDER.

YOU SHOULD EXCUSE THE EXPRESSION.

ARE YOU GETTING OUT OF BED?

NOT LIKE THIS, NO.

YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE FOR WORK.

WELL, I CAN'T SHOW UP LIKE THIS, CAN I?

HEY, WEAR YOUR PONCHO.

SWEETIE, TRUST ME. THIS WHOLE THING--

WOULD YOU SHUT UP A SECOND?

I'M TRYING TO IMAGINE I'M SLAMMING MY FINGER IN A CAR DOOR.

THAT WORKS?

NO. COME HERE.

HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY.

NO, NO, NO. JUST BE STRONG.

THE EGG SHOULD BE IN BY THIS AFTERNOON.

WHERE IS IT NOW, CHICAGO?

LET GO OF MY ARM.

I'M GOING TO GIVE YOU SOMETHING.

WHAT?

LET GO AND THEN YOU'LL SEE.

HERE'S MY BEEPER.

THAT'S WHAT I GET, A BEEPER?

I'LL TAKE SOME OVULATION TESTS WITH ME.

I'LL BEEP YOU WHEN THE EGG'S IN,

AND WE'LL MEET BACK HERE.

SO THIS IS AN EGG BEEPER?

YOU KNOW HOW IT WORKS?

SWEETIE, I THINK I KNOW HOW TO WORK A BEEPER.

I DON'T LIVE IN A CAVE.

WANT ME TO SHOW YOU?

A LITTLE BIT.

IT'S EASY. I CALL THE BEEPER NUMBER,

DIAL MY NUMBER IN AT THE PROMPT,

AND...

EASY.

AND THEN YOU DIAL THE NUMBER THAT'S ON THE SCREEN.

WE'LL MEET BACK HERE.

IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DAY.

IT'S LIKE WE'RE LIKE LOVERS.

WE'RE IN BIG TROUBLE.

YOUR CAR DOOR SLAMMING ON YOUR FINGER.

SORRY.

BY THE WAY, DID I TELL YOU YOUR MOTHER CALLED?

NOW YOU'RE TALKING.

AND SO THE MALE THRUSTS AND SALLIES

WITH THE PRIMORDIAL FORCE OF THE AGES

WHILE THE FEMALE FULFILLS THE PROMISE OF HER MUSK.

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

LOOK AT THAT!

WHAT?

HMM. NAW. NOTHING.

THIS IS GOOD. THIS'LL BE FINE.

WHAT THE HELL'S THE MATTER WITH YOU?

NOTHING. I'D RATHER NOT TALK ABOUT IT.

MOVING ON.

O.K. JAMIE AND I,

WE HAVEN'T HAD SEX IN THREE WEEKS

BECAUSE WE'RE WAITING FOR HER TO OVULATE.

THAT'S NUTS! YOU PEOPLE THINK TOO MUCH.

IN MY DAY,

IF YOU WANTED TO GET SOMEONE PREGNANT,

YOU HAD SEX WITH HER! IT WORKED GREAT.

WHATEVER HAPPENED TO JUST DOING IT?

I--I--I HONESTLY CAN'T RECALL.

UH, WHEN IS THE EGG DUE IN?

THE EGG SHOULD BE IN THIS AFTERNOON.

IT'S GOT A LUNCH UPTOWN.

IT'LL SWING BY THE HOUSE AFTERWARDS.

[PAGER BEEPS]

HEY! THAT'S ME. THAT'S ME.

ALL RIGHT. THAT COULD BE IT RIGHT NOW.

OH. UNBELIEVABLE.

O.K. SO WHAT DO I DO?

WHAT, DO YOU LIVE IN A CAVE?

COME ON, COME ON, COME ON, COME ON!

OH, I--I--UM--

I'M ACTUALLY--

[RING]

HELLO.

HI.

IT'S FOR ME. SORRY.

HEY.

HEY, WHAT, UH, TOOK YOU SO LONG?

I'M STILL GETTING THE HANG OF THIS.

SO WE HAVE AN EGG?

NOT YET.

SO WHAT ARE YOU BEEPING?

YOU'RE LIKE THE GIRL WHO BEEPED WOLF.

I JUST REALLY NEEDED TO HEAR YOUR VOICE.

REALLY?

I'M GOING CRAZY.

HEY, ME, TOO.

REALLY?

REALLY.

WHY DON'T I GIVE YOU A MINUTE?

WHAT ARE YOU WEARING?

WHAT AM I WEARING?

YOU WERE THERE WHEN I GOT DRESSED.

JUST PLAY.

PLEASE LET ME GIVE YOU A MINUTE!

IS YOUR SHIRT WRINKLED?

ARE YOU ALL SWEATY OR SOMETHING?

UM...

SO, UH...

I'M--I'M HERE WITH SID.

REALLY? WHAT IS HE WEARING?

A CARDIGAN AND, UH...

A SHIRT THAT SMELLS LIKE BRYLCREAM.

OH, FOR GOD'S SAKE!

HONEY, HONEY, I CAN'T DO THIS.

I GOT TO GO.

ALL RIGHT. JUST SAY SOMETHING UNAROUSING.

I DID IT FOR YOU.

O.K. HEY, YOUR FATHER CALLED.

I DON'T WORK LIKE THAT.

O.K. O.K., WAIT.

ALL RIGHT. HERE WE GO.

YOU KNOW THAT SMELL IN OUR SINK?

OH. ALL RIGHT. I'LL SEE YOU LATER.

THERE YOU GO.

NEARBY THE SPAWNING GROUND,

MAN AND ANIMAL PEACEFULLY COEXIST

AS THE MAMMOTH OIL RIG DRILL BIT'S

RELENTLESS HUNGER IS SLAKED.

HI. HI.

IS EVERYTHING ALL RIGHT?

YEAH.

REALLY? 'CAUSE YOU SOUNDED LIKE SOMETHING WAS UP.

I'M FINE. YOU WANT A DRINK?

MAYBE.

HAVE A DRINK.

UH-OH. REALLY?

MAYBE.

IS SOMETHING UP?

NOTHING. YOU'RE MY SISTER-IN-LAW. I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU.

I KNOW. THANK YOU.

SOMETHING ABOUT A MAN IN UNIFORM, ISN'T THERE?

HE'S WEARING AN APRON. WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?

I KNOW. I'M INSANE.

PAUL AND I ARE INTENTIONALLY NOT HAVING SEX

UNTIL I OVULATE.

WHEN IS THAT?

HOPEFULLY BY DESSERT. HOW WAS VERMONT?

IT WAS GREAT. I WENT WITH JOAN.

YOU TAKE THE KIDS?

NO.

WHAT?

[GIGGLES]

HA! YOU MET A GUY!

TELL ME, TELL ME, TELL ME.

I DIDN'T MEET A GUY.

YOU DON'T GET A SMILE LIKE THAT FROM TOBOGGANING.

THAT'S WHY YOU'VE BEEN GOING UP THERE EVERY WEEKEND.

IS HE MARRIED?

HE'S NOT MARRIED. THERE'S NO GUY.

WELL, THEN, JOAN MET A GUY, AND YOU HAD A THREESOME.

YES. BUT THERE WAS NO GUY.

WHAT'S A THREESOME WITH NO GUY?

OH, MY GOD!

YOU KNOW, I DID A LITTLE EXPERIMENTING IN COLLEGE,

BUT IT WAS COLLEGE. I DIDN'T THINK ANYTHING OF IT.

AND THEN AFTER THE DIVORCE,

WHEN I WAS IN THERAPY, I STARTED TO THINK

MAYBE IT WASN'T JUST HIM. MAYBE IT WAS ME.

WHATEVER. SO YOU'RE IN THIS CABIN,

AND YOU'RE IN FRONT OF A FIREPLACE PLAYING MONOPOLY?

YEAH.

WHAT WERE YOU?

WHAT PIECE WERE YOU?

THE BOOT.

OH, MAN! THE BOOT.

SO I'M THINKING, IN THIS SOCIETY--

WHERE WERE YOU SITTING?

I WAS ON THE COUCH. SHE WAS ON THE FLOOR.

SO SHE CAME ONTO THE COUCH?

I MOVED ONTO THE FLOOR.

OH, GOD!

O.K. GO ON.

AND THEN WE STARTED TO PLAY THE GAME.

NEXT THING YOU KNOW, I'VE GOT BOARDWALK AND THREE HOTELS.

AND SHE WAS CARESSING YOU WHERE?

WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH YOU?

FOR THE FIRST TIME,

I'M THE SLIGHTEST BIT AT PEACE WITH MYSELF.

I'M THE WORST FRIEND RIGHT NOW.

THIS IS NOT A GREAT STORY FOR ME TO HEAR

IN MY CONDITION.

ON YOUR WORST DAY, YOU'RE A BETTER AUDIENCE FOR THIS

THAN MY PARENTS AND BROTHER.

YOU'RE GOING TO TELL THEM?

DINNER TONIGHT.

WITH PAUL?

I WAS THINKING.

I'LL GIVE YOU $1,000 TO TELL HIM TOMORROW.

I COULD DO PAUL TOMORROW.

WHERE ARE YOU GOING TO EAT?

I DON'T KNOW. WHAT IS THE RIGHT FOOD FOR THIS CONVERSATION?

I WANT TO SAY CHINESE.

WHY IS THAT?

I DON'T KNOW.

DO YOU BELIEVE THIS?

62 DEGREES ON JANUARY 5th?

OR AS IT WILL COME TO BE KNOWN-- OVULATION DAY.

WHERE IS THE MERCY? WHERE IS THE JUSTICE?

O.K. DID YOU SEE THAT?

HEY, DO YOU THINK THIS IS REALLY CHICKEN?

WHERE DID YOU GET THAT?

THE GUY ON SIXTH.

NAH. THAT'S POSSUM.

O.K. WHAT'S GOING ON THERE? THAT'S JUST CRUEL.

WOULD YOU KNOCK IT OFF ALREADY?

WHAT?

IT'S LIKE YOU'RE 15 YEARS OLD.

I'M EMBARRASSING YOU?

OH! LOOK AT THAT.

SHE'S A MANNEQUIN.

BUT THOSE ARE BASED ON PEOPLE.

LET'S GO TO THE STATUE OF LIBERTY. SHE'S FRENCH.

[PAGER BEEPS]

OH! I'M BEEPING!

HALLELUJAH.

HEY! HEY! EVERYBODY!

MY FRIEND'S WIFE, SHE'S OVULATING!

HEY, WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU?

OUR FOOD IS HERE.

I'M OVULATING.

YOU STILL HAVE TO EAT.

YOU ALREADY HAD SEX. YOU GO EAT.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

IT'S HERE. THE EGG?

I'LL SEE YOU AT HOME.

I'LL MEET YOU AT HOME. BYE.

WELL, SHOW TIME. I'M GOING IN.

SAY SOMETHING ENCOURAGING.

RUN SILENT, RUN DEEP.

HEY, BUDDY. CAN'T TALK NOW.

MURRAY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY CAMISOLE?

OH, NO. OH, NO, NO.

OH, NO.

LET ME SAY THIS TO YOU-- YOUR MOTHER CALLED.

DAMN IT.

HELP!

HELP! DAMN IT! HELP!

SORRY FOR THE DELAY.

WE WILL BE MOVING SHORTLY.

[PLAYING SAME TWO NOTES OVER AND OVER AGAIN]

O.K. COULD YOU PLAY-- I'M SERIOUS--

LITERALLY, ANYTHING ELSE?

EXCUSE ME.

WHAT HAPPENED? I DIDN'T DO IT!

HEH HEH.

SORRY. HEH HEH.

IT'S MY NIECE'S. HEH.

[DOOR SLAMS]

OH, NO!

JAMES? PAUL?

IS THAT REALLY YOU? YES! I'M SO SORRY!

I WAS WORRIED! I WAS, TOO!

OH, I COULDN'T WAIT TO SEE YOU.

ME, TOO.

I WAS THINKING ABOUT YOU--

GET AWAY FROM THE DOOR!

I'M GETTING!

HI!

WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?

I HAD TO DO THE THING, AND THE HANDLE CAME OFF.

ME, TOO. AND THE KID, HE PLAYED BAD.

OH, GOD.

MMM!

MMM!

WHY DO YOU HAVE ZELDA RUBINSTEIN'S UNDERWEAR?

DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.

THEY LEAVE THE DOOR OPEN?

WHAT DO THEY THINK THIS IS, NEW ROCHELLE?

YOU HEAR MY MOTHER'S VOICE?

DON'T DO THAT NOW!

NO. LITERALLY, MY MOTHER'S VOICE.

[SYLVIA] HELLO!

HOLD ON! HOLD ON! AAH! JUST A SECOND!

MA, WE CAME, WE INTRUDED. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED, HUH?

[PAUL] DEB?

HI!

O.K. WHO ISN'T HERE? LET'S START WITH THAT.

WE WERE GOING TO CHINESE.

WE WONDERED IF YOU WANTED TO COME WITH.

OH, UH, THAT'S O.K. WE GOT PLANS.

YOU SHOULD SEE WHERE I PARKED!

NOT EVEN A BLOCK!

THAT'S GOOD, DAD.

UH, WE APPRECIATE THE INVITE.

ARE YOU SURE?

TUNG HOY.

EVEN SO.

WOULD YOU LEAVE THEM ALONE?

I WANTED TO TALK TO YOU GUYS ANYWAY.

ABOUT WHAT?

ABOUT WHAT WE'LL TALK ABOUT IN THE RESTAURANT.

WE HAVE TO GO TO A RESTAURANT TO HAVE A CONVERSATION??

IF YOU WANT TO HAVE A CONVERSATION,

YOU HAVE IT IN AN APARTMENT, LIKE A PERSON.

I DON'T WANT TO.

WE'LL DISCUSS IT IN THE RESTAURANT.

I THOUGHT WE WERE LEAVING.

SO NOW IT'S A DISCUSSION?

GOD FORBID YOU SHOULD JUST INVITE US TO DINNER.

SHE DID INVITE US TO DINNER.

BECAUSE SHE NEEDS TO HAVE A DISCUSSION. WAKE UP!

HI. AHEM. HI.

HI.

HI.

SO A--HOW'S EVERYBODY? AND 2--COULD YOU TELL ME TOMORROW?

I'M NOT LEAVING TILL I KNOW

WHAT THIS BIG DISCUSSION IS ABOUT.

WHAT DISCUSSION?

THERE'S NO DISCUSSION.

IT'S ALREADY A DISCUSSION.

FINE! YOU WIN.

DEB-- THEY WANT TO KNOW.

I'M IN LOVE WITH A WOMAN.

I'M A LESBIAN! O.K.?

COME ON! MOO GOO GAI PAN.

AHEM. HER NAME IS JOAN.

I WANTED YOU ALL TO KNOW.

WHY DO YOU SAY THINGS LIKE THAT,

TO AGGRAVATE ME?

A GAY LESBIAN?

THIS IS WHAT I'M THINKING.

WOW.

WOW?

WOW...

JUST WOW?

WOW.

AT THIS POINT, JUST WOW. YEAH.

I DON'T HAVE ANY OPINION ABOUT IT YET, BUT...

YOU'RE A LESBIAN? YEAH.

WOW.

HONEY, REALLY, THAT'S IT? JUST WOW?

WHEW...WOWIE.

THIS ISN'T HOW I'D PLANNED TO TELL YOU.

I WAS GOING TO TAKE YOU TO THE KNICKS GAME TOMORROW

AND TO RUMPELMAYER'S AFTERWARDS.

WOW.

RUMPELMAYER'S? YEAH.

SWEETIE?

NO--NOT--WHO CARES ABOUT THAT?

WELL, HOW DOES IT WORK?

OH, BURT, PLEASE!

WHAT?

WELL, BEING A LESBIAN,

W-WHAT'S THE... PROCEDURE?

YOU SEND IN AN APPLICATION, SEE?

THEY MAIL YOU BACK A CARD.

NO, NO. I MEAN THE ACTUAL--

I DON'T WANT TO HEAR THIS.

YOU KNOW WHAT? IT'S NONE OF MY BUSINESS.

ARE YOU HAPPY?

YES.

DO YOU NEED MONEY?

NO. I'M DOING FINE.

HOW'S THE CAR? IT'S GREAT.

GOOD. LET'S EAT.

PAULIE, ARE YOU O.K.?

YEAH. NO. I FEEL THE SAME AS POP.

POP? WHERE'D HE GO? POP?

ISN'T ANYBODY ELSE HUNGRY?

PAULIE?

NO. HEY, DEB, LISTEN.

I LOVE YOU, AND, YOU KNOW,

I WANT YOU TO BE HAPPY,

IN LOVE, AND ALL THAT GOOD STUFF.

AND IF IT'S WITH ANOTHER WOMAN,

THEN, YOU KNOW, THEN, WHAT DO I CARE?

RIGHT? RIGHT.

SO JOAN...

FROM THE BRUNCH?

YEAH.

WELL, WHO WOULD HAVE THUNK THAT?

I JUST THOUGHT IT WAS A NICE LADY EATING PANCAKES.

REMEMBER? YOU LIKED HER.

I DID. I LIKED HER. SHE HAS, LIKE, NICE HANDS.

REMEMBER? WE SAID WE LIKED HER.

NICE LADY, NICE HANDS.

IT'S O.K. TO BE A LITTLE FREAKED OUT.

I'M NOT, THOUGH.

I'M--I'M HAPPY FOR YOU.

WE'LL TALK MORE MAYBE.

WE'LL TALK, YOU AND YOUR LITTLE FRIEND.

SEE? WHATEVER I WANT, RIGHT, MA?

MA! DON'T!

NO!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

SO LONG. NICE KNOWING YOU.

GET OFF OF THERE, MA!

THANK YOU, DEBBIE.

DID I TELL YOU

THAT WE NEVER SHOULD HAVE NAMED HER DEBBIE?

WE NEVER SHOULD HAVE LET HER PLAY FIELD HOCKEY!

LET HER JUMP!

FINE. GO AHEAD.

YOU'RE JUST LETTING HER--

WAIT--WAIT--WAIT.

YOU'RE NOT A LESBIAN.

[JAMIE] SYLVIA!

WE'RE GOING HOME.

I'M CALLING DR. SCHWIMMER.

I DON'T NEED A PSYCHIATRIST.

HE'S EAR, NOSE, AND THROAT.

O.K. SO WHY--

HE'S VERY GOOD.

THEY'RE BLUE SEATS, BUT THEY'RE MIDCOURT.

YOU KNOW, JOAN IS A DOCTOR.

THAT'S SUPPOSED TO MAKE ME FEEL BETTER?

I DON'T KNOW, MA.

WHAT KIND OF DOCTOR?

IS SHE SERIOUS?

WE'RE NOT GOING TO THE RESTAURANT?

I--YOU KNOW WHAT? ASK MOM IN THE ELEVATOR.

'CAUSE SHE WOULD PROBABLY KNOW BEST WHAT...

O.K., LET ME ASK,

HOW EXACTLY DID OVULATION

BECOME THE LEAST INTERESTING THING IN OUR DAY?

WELL, IT'S NOT TO ME.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

OH, NOW?

WHY NOT?

AFTER ALL THAT'S HAPPENED?

NO. FORGET ABOUT IT.

I JUST GOT TO SIT DOWN FOR AWHILE, HAVE SOME SOUP,

AND FOR SOME REASON, I WANT TO WATCH WOMEN'S GOLF.

YOU'RE SURE ABOUT THAT?

OH, HONEY, I AM UNAROUSEABLE AT THIS POINT.

I AM WAXED AND WANED.

MM-HMM. DID I EVER TELL YOU

ABOUT THE TIME I WENT SKIING

WITH MY COLLEGE ROOMMATE IN VERMONT?

NO.

IT WAS LATE ONE NIGHT.

WE'D JUST GOTTEN IN FROM TOBOGGANING,

AND WE DECIDED TO PLAY MONOPOLY.

MONOPOLY? REALLY?

MM-HMM. IT WAS COLD.

WE TOOK OFF OUR CLOTHES.

WE GOT IN FRONT OF THE FIREPLACE.

I LOOKED AT HER, SHE LOOKED AT ME,

AND I THOUGHT, "I'M GOING TO GIVE THAT WOMAN A BACK RUB."

O.K.

SO YOU'RE PLAYING MONOPOLY.

WHAT WERE YOU?

THE BOOT.

THE BOOT! AH, MAN!

* RULE BRITANNIA *

* BRITANNIA RULES THE WAVES *

OH, YEAH!

* BRITAIN NEVER, NEVER, NEVER *

* WILL BE SLAVES *

NO! NO!

* RULE BRITANNIA *

* BRITANNIA RULES THE WAVES *

* OH, YEAH *

* BRITAIN NEVER, NEVER, NEVER *

* WILL BE SLAVES *

OH! NO!

OH!

* RULE BRITANNIA *

* BRITANNIA RULES THE WAVES... **

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