Original subtitles

(DOG BARKING)

Hey, Murray. Hey, there you are. There you are.

IRA: Hello. Ira.

Now what are you doing here?

Well, I'll tell you what I'm not doing here.

I am not enjoying a big bowl of Raisin Bran.

What, do I live here?

You want to know why I'm not enjoying a big bowl of Raisin Bran?

You live here? I'll tell you why

I'm not enjoying a big bowl of Raisin Bran.

Do we live here?

'Cause somebody keeps putting the empty carton back in the refrigerator,

so who knows to buy milk?

Just tell me my name, please.

What's the matter with you, Paulie?

All right. Thank you. What is my wife's name?

What wife?

My wife. Have you been eating rum cake?

What are you saying? I'm saying what are you saying?

Are you saying I'm not married?

Oh, all right, Paulie, you relax, just sit there.

I'll make you a nice cup of tea. We'll put on Baywatch...

I still like Baywatch?

You love Baywatch.

All right. Well, that's something.

Hey, okay. All right.

If I'm not married, what is this?

What? Right there. This.

(TINKLING)

If I had to venture a guess, I'd say it was your hand.

Hey.

Wow.

Wow.

I got this fax for the Brentano campaign you wanted.

Fran? Huh?

What happened to you? What?

You're so fat.

You be your assistant for three years and see how you look.

But you're not my assistant, you're my partner.

Then, how come I sit out there answering your phones all the time?

(STAMMERING) I don't know.

Are--Are we still hooked up to TRW?

Yeah, why? I just want to check something on my file.

JAMIE: Name, social security number,

date of birth, spouse's name.

What spouse? My spouse.

(BEEPING)

Where did he go?

I don't know. You want a bite?

What is happening?

ALAN: Hi, honey. Hi.

This is weird. What?

Something is going...

I can't, I can't... What was I talking about?

Beats me.

Oh, hey, Paulie, Paulie, get this.

I'm at the store today. I'm-- I'm setting up the window display

and who walks by?

Angela.

So I stand there like a mannequin.

She remembers how amusing I can be.

Who--Who is Angela?

You know something? You never listen to me.

You mean, Susannah? Who's Susannah?

Susannah, Susannah... Oh, I know this one.

I know with a "G". Something with a "G". Susannah.

Susannah. You met her in our apartment.

Our apartment. No, not you and me. Me and Ja-Ja-Ja...

Who is J, J, J? Your wife?

(TINKLING) What wife?

Paulie, what's the matter with you?

Nothin'. What's the matter with you?

Paulie, come... Hey, Baywatch is on. Here we go.

What was that for? What do you think you're doing?

Well, I thought I was kissing you. Exactly.

What's the matter with you? What's the matter with me?

Fran, what's the matter with her? Okay. I'm out of here.

No, no, no, no, Fran. No, I have a burrito in the microwave.

Hello?

I--I--I don't know. S-Something's the matter. I don't...

Yeah, well, look. Let's just... We'll go home.

We'll talk about it. Home?

Home. Whose home?

Our home?

We live together? What is with you?

Alan, we broke up five years ago.

Yeah, yeah, so?

So?

So, you called me up and said you were sorry.

Sorry for what? Everything.

Well, I don't remember but I'm sure I didn't.

All right. What's the problem this time?

Alan, how can I live with you when I'm still with...

When I've... You know, I--I've been with...

Who? Who? God, you know, you know.

Him. That--That guy. That guy. What guy? What?

He was here a minute ago.

(TINKLING)

You've been with some guy? What?

What? What are you talking about?

You're seeing some guy. I'm not seeing some guy.

You just said. Some guy. Alan, you know what? This is ridiculous.

What? I can't stand it anymore. I can't stand your jealousies

or your accusations, and to tell you the truth, I can't take it anymore.

This isn't working. What are you saying?

I'm saying I think it would be better for both of us if I just moved out.

Oh, God, here we go. No, actually, I mean it this time.

Well, you know what? Fine.

Well, fine.

Well, fine. Fine. All right?

I just hope you and this guy are very happy. There's no guy.

Fran, bring me the Brentano file.

FRAN: (WITH MOUTH FULL) Coming.

Oh, Paulie, nice place. How'd you find it?

I don't know. I was just walking by and it seemed... You know.

See what happened there? Oh, yeah.

Hey--Hey--Hey, why don't we try this place tonight?

What? This new club uptown.

No, I'm thinking of checking out Karen's party tonight.

Oh, come on. It's called Scamps.

Why would that make me change my mind?

Hey. Hi.

Yeah, Hi. Are you ready to order?

Yeah, yeah, uh, could we see the specials?

Oh, sure, yeah. Um,

all right, that man is having the chicken

and, um, this lady is having the...

You know what? It's probably better if I just get the board.

Hey, what about her?

What about her? She's my type.

Paulie, everybody is your type.

No, no, no. But she's right here.

Here we go. Okay.

Oh, wait.

It was just there like a minute ago. Oh! Oh.

Okay. All right. Hold on.

You know what? Let me help you.

Let me help you. You know what?

I have quite the penmanship. Isn't that true?

He's won trophies. That's right.

Thanks. So what do we got?

Okay. Um, today's Saturday.

So, um, the soup would be du jour.

Am I going too fast? No. No, no, no. Okay.

Okay. Um, and for the entrees we have chicken with kites.

Kites? Kites. Yeah.

Kites? Uh-huh. Yeah.

Then we have some kind of meat.

You know what? Just write meat.

You got it. Okay.

And then we have, um, Coho salmon in a lime butter sauce,

uh, with shallots and baby corn on a bed of couscous.

Okay. Great. Okay.

Now draw a line through it 'cause we're all out of that.

Great. Okay.

That's it?

Um, yeah, that's it. Thanks a lot. That was really sweet.

Thanks. Sure.

JAMIE: Okay. Over there. LISA: Over there where?

Oh, hold on a minute.

How come I get her this time?

Because I had her last time.

No, I had her last time.

No, she had me last time.

Anyway, how long can it last?

I told you this is it. Alan and I are over.

Yeah, okay. Fine. We are. It's just not right with him.

It never was right. So what?

You know what would make you feel better? A pie.

Oh, come on. Maybe later. Here we go.

(GROANING)

You know what? You cannot keep imposing on me like this.

I mean, you have to take some responsibility for your life.

That's what I'm doing. I'm going to get my own place and start over.

What happened this time?

(GRUNTING) He thinks there's someone else and he's right.

There is someone else. (SIGHS) Who?

I don't know but he's out there.

Maybe he's at the bakery. I'll go look.

You know, honey, it's not that I hate having you here.

Well, I do hate having you here, but it's not just that.

I mean, it's not that easy out there.

What am I supposed to do? Settle for something that's not right?

What's right? I'll know.

Will you know soon?

Hey, look at this Paulie, they've got $3 Rob Roys. Is that good?

I don't know. You like Rob Roys?

Who cares, they're 3 bucks.

Listen, I got to get back to the store.

So just think about it. All right?

I'll see you tonight. All right.

LISA: Come on, it's Saturday. Let's go to the aquarium or something.

JAMIE: I'm just going to get some work done.

I hear they're putting on Guys and Dolls but with eels.

Okay. Have fun. I'll see you tonight.

(GRUNTS)

Well, excuse me. Sorry.

Hey.

What?

My mistake. Sorry.

Excuse me. May I help you? No.

Um, yeah, you're not Mr. Buchman, are you?

The one and only.

I'm sorry. Um, thank you, never mind.

Hey.

IRA: Do you want me to see if she has a sister or something?

No. That's all right. I really don't feel like it tonight.

Why not? I don't know. Just go--go-- go enjoy your date.

What are you gonna do?

Murray and I are just gonna stay home.

Cook up a little pasta and kibble.

All right. If you change your mind...

All right. Go, have fun. See you later.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Hi. Hey, are you ready?

Yeah, one second.

Wow, look at this place. It's pretty nice.

You've got your own thermostat and everything.

(CHUCKLING) Yeah. Give it to me.

Thank you.

Okay. Okay.

I hope you like Rob Roys.

(MUSIC PLAYING ON TV)

(CLICKS TV OFF)

New club, drinks and girls. How bad could that be?

So P.R.? What kind of-- What kind of accounts do you have?

Um, corporate stuff mostly.

Computron, Brentanos, Florsheim...

Oh, I've got a pair of those.

Those are really, really comfortable.

I mean, I can walk from one end of the park to the other

no problem. And I'm not just saying that.

Good nachos, huh? Mmm-hmm.

In most places you just order them for the minimum,

but these, it's a pleasure. Hmm.

Do you have a band? Yeah.

You like music? Mmm-hmm.

Hi.

(BARKING)

Derek, please, please, you said you were going to be here.

Well, what am I supposed to...

All right. Fine. Fine. Fine.

I guess we're both on our own tonight, huh?

I'm Paul. Just tell me what today is.

Saturday. Oh, God.

Where are you from?

Uh, why don't I get us another... Great.

Okay.

Watch it, cowboy, will you?

Excuse me. No, look, I'm-- I'm sorry.

It's just that Derek, that's my keyboard player,

I tell him that we got a gig here Saturday and he says "Tuesday"

and I say "Saturday" and he says "Tuesday" and I say "Saturday".

So I just called him. I'm like, "Where are you?" He says, "Today's Tuesday."

I'm like, "No, no, it's Saturday."

He says, "Oh, either way, I can't find my pants."

That kind of crap happens to me all the time.

With what? My band.

You got a band? Ira and the Night Caps. I'm Ira.

Uh, Susannah. What do you play?

What do you need? You're kidding.

Give me 5 minutes. Okay.

Two. BARTENDER: You got it.

(BARKING)

Paulie. Hey, I saw her first.

What are you doing here?

I don't know. I was sitting there by myself. I figured...

That's great. Listen.

You--You want to keep my date company for a couple of minutes?

Ooh! That bad, huh? No, no, no, she's fine.

I just got this fill-in gig... What--What? You want to unload her on me?

Paulie, I just-- I just want to be a gentleman.

Yeah, that's what you said last time. I ended up driving that girl to Providence.

All right, fine. Forget it.

Sorry, I can't help you. I'm just, you know, feeling a little...

I'm going to finish this drink and get out of here.

What's the matter? Nothing. Nothing. I'll just... I'll see you later.

Pick up some milk. Okay?

BARTENDER: How are you doing there?

Let me settle up with you, please?

No, no, no, go ahead.

Just gonna be a couple of minutes.

It's fine. Okay, good. Kill the nachos if you want.

Okay.

(DRUMMER WARMING UP)

SUSANNAH: Hi.

(SONG PLAYING)

* Until we kissed

* I never knew the thrill that could be tasted

* Until we kissed

* I never knew the years that I had wasted

* But now I know I was waiting

* For you to come by I was waiting

* Won't you please tell me why this took so long to begin?

* Darlin' where have you been all my life?

* Oh darlin' where have you been?

* Where've you been? Where've you been when I was feeling blue?

* Where have you been where've you been

* Where've you been when I was needing you?

* Where've you been, where've you been... *

(DOOR OPENING)

IRA: * Where've you been?

Hey, Paulie, what are you looking at?

What? What? Mrs. Dolvekie out shootin' at the pigeons again?

No, no, no, no. I was just--just looking.

Did you pick up the milk?

I forgot. I figured.

And I forgive you.

* Where've you been Where have you been... *

What are you so bouncy for?

You want to know why I'm bouncy?

I'll tell you why I'm bouncy. Her.

Oh, yeah, from tonight? No, not her. The other one. The singer.

I'm meeting her for pancakes in an hour.

How do you do that? Do what?

You know, like you are. You should talk.

No. I mean... But don't you get tired of it?

You know what they say, Paulie. It's like shoes.

Unless you try them on, you don't know if they match.

Match what? Each other.

What are you talking about? You get two shoes and you look.

Hey, I'm making an analogy. Okay.

What is with you lately?

Something. Yeah.

I mean, last few days you walk around like I don't know what.

You challenge my analogies... It's like-- It's like you're not all there or something.

Yeah, g-good luck with your pancakes.

I'm gonna go out, I'm gonna get a-- get a newspaper or somebody.

What? I'm gonna get a paper or something.

It's delivered in the morning. I feel like I need one.

(GUN FIRING)

(PIGEONS FLYING)

Knock it off, you crazy broad!

Hey, Lisa, you know this guy tonight, Ira?

He was really sweet, you know. There was nothing wrong with him.

He was cute enough, he was funny enough, he paid.

Even Alan, it's not his fault.

Do you ever feel like the whole thing is just one big test

and you keep going to these clubs and talking to these guys

and going back somewhere where you know it's not right until finally...

And even then, I'm sure they keep testing you

and testing you, but at least then...

I just hope it's all worth it.

I'm sure it is.

I'm going to go take a walk, get the paper or someone.

I'm sorry, did you say something?

No.

Can I help you?

I think I want a paper.

Well, you let me know.

No, this is not it.

Thanks for your patronage, sport.

What are you doing, miss?

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. All right.

(TINKLING)

I just... Yeah, I know.

No, but...

Let's go home.

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