Original subtitles

Did you look in the closet? Well, Daddy, look in the closet.

Again?

Because that's where Mom's kept the towels for the past 40 years.

He shoots. Yes.

How do you know I didn't make it?

Okay. You got it?

Yes, I am that's why you sent me to college.

Okay, Daddy, good night.

God, he's so helpless.

Where did your mother go anyway?

She's spending the weekend with Uncle Phil.

For what? His wife's in Albany, so he's all alone.

What's in Albany. Her brother.

Where's his wife? In diet camp till Monday.

So basically, because of one fat woman upstate New York,

17 families go out of wack?

That's about it.

(TELEPHONE RINGING)

Yeah, I wonder who that is?

Hi, Daddy.

No, no, you like French's mustard not French mustard.

Ow! No.

The Poupon is French, and the French's is actually American.

I said "Ow". What?

Okay. Tell me you don't feel this spring.

Sourdough. This is a huge spring. This whole bed is just shot.

Actually, why don't I hold on while you toast it?

We're not getting a new bed.

Seriously, we've had this bed since we moved in together.

No. Why?

Because we've had it since we moved in together.

You know, on 60 Minutes, I saw a thing. A Malaysian child was sleeping

on a mattress just like this.

Mike Wallace cried. Little tears, little tears coming out.

Fine. I will think about it. No. No. That's good. The toast is supposed to be brown.

Go get a tomato.

You know, why don't you just invite your father down for the weekend?

I already did. He doesn't like to leave the house. Maybe we should go there.

Then I'd have to leave the house.

Oh, God, no, no, no. Then forget the tomato. Go get the mayonnaise.

Well, maybe you should go. What? And leave you home alone?

What am I, Macaulay Culkin?

All right. Try counterclockwise.

Just...

Just go before he hurts himself.

Daddy, maybe I should just come and stay with you till Mom gets back.

You sure you'll be fine? I'll be fine.

Are you sure? I'll be thrilled.

You'll be thrilled? All righty.

So, um... So I'll be there tomorrow.

First train in the morning. Okay. Good night.

Not--Not thrilled, happy-thrilled, thrilled when you get back

because I will have missed you the whole weekend, so great is my love for you.

Okay. The shower's dripping, so you have to call Mr. Wicker before it explodes again.

I understand.

And don't forget, you need to light the oven.

If you need extra light bulbs, they're in the thing. If the refrigerator starts humming...

Then I'll harmonize with it.

Are you gonna be okay? I'll be fine.

What are you gonna do? I'll do-- I'll do whatever. I'll c-call the guys.

What guys? The guys.

You don't have any guys.

I've got guys. I've got plenty of guys.

Okay. If you decide to do laundry...

I'm not gonna do laundry. Yeah, but if you do...

I'm not gonna do laundry.

...don't do it between 4:00 and 6:00, or you'll run into the Kopecks and their kids

and just trust me. Yeah. Understand how much I'm not gonna do laundry.

(INTERCOM BUZZING) All right.

MR. WICKER: Cab's here. She's coming.

Come on, sweetie, you're upsetting the cabbie.

You know, you're allergic to coconut.

So, no luaus.

Are you gonna miss me at all? Yes, only if you leave.

Bye. Bye. Have fun.

Well, now, it's all mine!

It's all mine.

That's mine.

It's all mine.

That was always mine, now it's even more mine.

Anything in here? All mine.

Milk. Perfect example of things that are mine.

Mmm.

Ah.

See that? Virtually empty, yet I put it right back.

Whatever you want. Mallomars.

By the way, I don't know if I mentioned, Mallomars, also mine.

You can have one, too.

You see that? I don't even close it. That's how giddy I am with power.

Come dog of mine. Come with me. Let's watch my Baywatch.

You can sit. Sit, lick, whatever you want.

All right. Here we go. There's a 3:20, 5:30, there's 7:45...

Paulie, I can't go to the movies.

Why not? I've got a date.

What? Yeah, we do that out here.

But I'm free.

Imagine my dilemma.

(SCOFFS)

All right. Fine. You know what? I'll call the guys.

What guys? I've got guys.

Hey, hey, hey, hey. I understand. It's softwood walking.

I'm gonna go bowling.

Mmm. Mmm-hmm.

You want to borrow some of my guys? Why would I want your guys?

Because you don't do alone so good.

Hey, excuse me. I lived alone for 30 years.

Paulie, you lived with your parents until you were 18. In college you had roommates.

We lived together until I threw you out, and then Jamie.

Basically, you've been alone about five minutes your whole life.

You didn't throw me out. Hey, I don't want to have that discussion again. What?

You want me to call Susannah and cancel my date?

Nah. Because I would.

You would? Yeah, I would.

All right.

(LAUGHING) I'm not gonna cancel my date.

(MURRAY BARKING)

Hey, dog of mine. Pepperoni.

Do not tell your mother.

Oh, is the shower exploding again? I forgot to call Wicker.

That's what I need this weekend, a flood.

(FRAN SCREAMING)

(PAUL EXCLAIMING)

Hi. Hey, Fran. Hi. When did you get here?

(SIGHS) Sorry I screamed. You startled me.

Oh, were those yours? What?

(STAMMERING) No, 'cause I didn't see a thing. Okay.

I swear. Fine.

I'm gonna go get dressed. Okay. Please do that.

(PHONE RINGING)

Hello. Hi, it's me.

Hi, sweetie. How was your trip?

It was okay. The train was a little late. All right, good. Listen.

Um. hypothetical situation.

Fran is naked in our house. Why would that be?

Excuse me? She was in the shower.

She must have gone to the gym.

So? The shower there is all nasty.

The gym's right around the corner, so she comes over to us.

Like, all the time? Yeah, you know.

No. I don't know. I don't know. That's the whole point. What happened?

I didn't see a thing.

Oh, God. Did you apologize?

I'm going to send her an arrangement.

Are you okay?

Yes, I'm fine. I'm just... Everything is under control.

(DOORBELL BUZZING) All right. Bye-bye.

Why didn't you say something?

(WHIMPERS)

Snappy Garments. And a lovely jacket yourself.

I'm here to pick up your dry cleaning.

No. What? Buchman? Yeah.

11 D? Yeah.

One second.

Bye. Bye.

Bye.

(PHONE RINGING)

Hello. PAUL: Hi, it's me.

Um, there's a guy here, wants our clothing.

Do we do that, or are we being robbed?

We do that.

Since when? It's free.

What else goes on around here?

It's the blue bag in the closet.

I'm quite aware of the blue bag.

You sure you're gonna be okay? I'll be fine.

Everything is under control. Bye-bye.

Bye.

Sorry about that. It's just... My wife is away, so you know how that is.

I've got to do everything myself.

Are these dry clean or laundry? What's that?

Dry clean or laundry?

Hi, it's me. Dry clean.

Thank you.

PAUL: I can't call him. Can't call him.

Hey, you know what? I've got no guys.

Not a guy to be found here.

Zucker? Nah.

That's all right. That's all right. You know what? It's good to be alone.

It's good for the soul.

(DOORBELL BUZZING)

Thank God. I'm coming. Don't go away. Don't go away.

Right here. Please don't go.

Lisa. Hi. Hi.

Hi, how are you?

Uh, I was just in the neighborhood

and thought I'd bring you some lunch.

Did Jamie say to do that? No.

Did she tell you to say no? Yes.

I'm borrowing a dress.

Anything. Whatever you want. Whatever you want. Sure.

You got a big date tonight?

Oh, just Troy, you know.

Going out with Troy. Mmm-hmm.

Which one is Troy? Harriette's acupuncturist.

He's an acupuncturist. So he works with needles?

I would think that's fascinating work.

What is wrong with you?

Nothing is wrong with me. I was just thinking. You and I never get to really talk.

Oh, we talk. No, not really.

Well, Jamie and I talk, you sit there and roll your eyes.

I don't roll my eyes at you. Yeah, right.

Never. Where--where did you get that?

Oh, come on. You couldn't talk to me two minutes and not roll your eyes.

Oh, that's so not true. Oh, yeah?

Yeah. Okay.

I'm thinking of buying a ferret.

Good for you.

Mmm-hmm.

I know where I can get one for $600.

Sounds pricey for a weasel, but...

Well, you know how good I am at budgeting my money. Nobody better.

I figured I name him Biff

after this old boyfriend of mine who used to be a doorman at FAO Schwarz,

only he got fired for stealing Legos

and had to move back home to Jersey,

which was kind of a drag because we had bought this '63 Valiant together,

and whenever I felt like driving uptown, I had to go to Newark first.

But, actually, it worked out pretty well because the bus I had to take had this driver

named Delana, and she let me honk the horn once in a while,

and eventually she introduced me to her brother who breeds ferrets,

and he said I could have pick of the litter for $600 and a pair of my panties,

which you can't deny is a pretty good deal.

(DOORBELL BUZZING) Sounds great. Excuse me for a second.

Hi. Buchman?

Yes. Sign here.

What, a Meat of the Month Club? That's right.

I don't think so. Ah, just--just one second.

My wife is out of town, so it's all been... Just...

(PHONE RINGING)

JAMIE: Hello. Hi, it's me.

Well, blow me down.

There's a guy here with a box of meat.

So? So?

So? I'm saying to you.

What?

Since when do we eat meat in a box?

Three years.

Really? And I enjoy it? Yeah. You love it.

Well, who knew?

Is that Jamie? Uh-huh. Yeah.

I didn't borrow her new dress.

Hey, come on, get back here. Honey, are you sure you're okay?

Huh? Yeah, I'm fine. It's just, uh,

a lot of surprises for one day. Do you want me to come home?

No, no, no. Hey, everything is under control.

All righty. I'll talk to you in five minutes.

That's very funny. Yeah, who's next?

Who is that? Nobody. Nobody. I have things under control.

I'll be on the 4:00 train. Bye-bye. All right. Love you, babe.

Little Sisters of Mercy. You bet.

We're from the thrift store.

I know. You picking up or you dropping off?

We're here to pick up the bed.

The bed? I understand. Of course. Why?

Your wife donated it.

She did?

That's what it says.

Uh, all right. Yeah, okay.

Uh, of course, it's right through there.

Right there in the bedroom.

'Cause we... We've been having a little problem with the bed,

so we've been talking about getting a new one.

Uh, so, I guess why my wife called you and just said, uh...

The whole bed?

That's what it says.

Uh, uh, just--just one second, would ya? 'Cause I don't...

Take the bed out of here.

Out of sorts. Six letters.

Fusty.

What? Fusty.

F-U-S-T-Y.

And this extra space, we just ignore it.

When is your wife coming back? Why do you ask?

Hey, Conways. You need a taxi, right? If you would.

Hey, hey, look at you two. You're looking pretty sporty.

You've got a big day? Brunch and the opera with my publisher.

Oh, my wife and I used go to brunch all the time.

Oh, have you two split up?

No, no. She just... Is she dead?

No, she's not dead. She's out of the town. BOTH: Oh.

MR. WICKER: Cab's ready.

Oh, Mr. Wicker, you didn't happen to see any delivery men yesterday, did you?

For you? Yes. We donated some furniture to charity,

but they never showed up.

Gee, I was only on in the morning.

Never mind. We'll call them tomorrow. Come on, darling.

If you're done with this book review I'm gonna...

What did they say about picking up furniture?

(IRA LAUGHING)

Laughter is not constructive. No, no, let me get this straight.

Two guys come down your hall with a clipboard

and you think, "Let me give you my bed."

Yes. How do you do that?

Because I am the dumbest man in the country.

And yet, and yet, maybe I'm not.

Maybe Jamie was in a charitable mood.

So why don't you give her a call and ask her?

I can't. I can't call her because then she'll know...

How stupid you are? Yes.

She's gonna be home tonight.

Maybe she won't notice.

I don't know, Paulie, she's pretty sharp.

All right. It really does open up the room, though, doesn't it?

Shut up.

(PHONE RINGING)

Hello. Hey, top of the morning to you.

What's wrong?

Nothing is wrong. I just wanted see how you are doing.

Well, that's sweet. I'm good. I miss you.

Okay. Listen. Um...

I was just wondering, did you give any more thought

to the buying a new bed thing we discussed?

No. I haven't. Okay. Bye.

So of all the men in America...

I am the most stupid.

Okay. How do I fix this?

What's the name of the charity?

The name of the charity. Oh, they said...

The guy said it. He said it. He's standing there.

Big guy, big guy. He said, "Hi, we're here from..."

"We're here from..." Something, something. I didn't listen.

What about the Brits?

They weren't even here? Yeah, but they would know the name.

The Brits would know the name, yes,

because they're the ones who called 'em.

This is what I'm saying. Oh, yeah, all right. Good.

Hey, you know, this could happen to anybody. It really couldn't.

(OPERA SINGER SINGING)

Conway. There you are.

The charity donation thing, it wasn't a bed by any chance, was it?

MAN: What's going on? We don't know them.

Because they picked up our bed.

We've never seen them before in our lives.

Hey, good seats.

(PEOPLE SHUSHING) Would you please go away?

Sorry, sorry. Um, was it-- was it Unicef?

Was it... Do you remember? Was it Unicef? Just nod.

Nod if it was Unicef. It wasn't Unicef. Uh, Goodwill?

Salvation Army? A.S.P.C.A? The Kidney Foundation?

(SINGING STOPS) It was the Little Sisters of Mercy! All right?

The Little Sisters of Mercy!

Yes, thank you. Come on.

Please, do go on.

(OPERA SINGER RESUMES SINGING)

I'm looking for a bed... Well, we have a wide selection.

...a very specific bed.

Wood with the little iron stuff.

As a matter of fact, one like that arrived just yesterday. That's my bed.

I wish all my customers were as easy as you.

No, no, no. I mean, It is-- It is my bed. I gave it to you.

And God bless. It was a mistake.

Oh, giving is never a mistake.

Well, sometimes it is.

Uh. it actually is my bed. I understand.

So could I just get it back? Of course.

Thank you. I believe we priced it at $400.

Hey, Sister, how much for the one with Nick and Doris? It's for me.

No, but... Excuse me. It's my bed. Not anymore.

No, you have a whole other bed. It's coming from British people.

When? When? Whenever.

Well, I can't live on faith.

So now they want to charge me $400, and my wife is coming back in a few hours.

So, if I just bring them your bed, then everybody is happy, right?

I'd say you've gotten yourself a bit over a barrel, haven't you?

(MIMICKING BRITISH ACCENT) Hasn't he?

Yes, a little bit. But now...

Darling, I've been thinking. Perhaps, we've been a little bit rash.

(ELEVATOR DINGS) About what?

Well, our bed has been so good to us.

It seems almost rude to part with it.

Paul. Yeah, one sec.

Okay, but you just said you already bought a new one.

I don't know.

Paul. One sec.

So, just--just give me your bed.

All right.

Thank you.

For $300.

What?

Rather a bargain, I'd say.

Do you think we're under selling ourselves?

No, no, no, okay. Fine.

Paul. What?

Tell me if you notice anything.

FRAN: If that bed scratches my roof, I'll kill you.

All right. So now we're square, everything is even. Hey, excuse me.

Hey, we were just about to buy this.

Sorry. For how much?

It says $400.

Uh, wait. That's... It's my bed.

$410. What are you doing?

Well, you want it or not?

I just bought a bed for you.

And God bless. $420.

$430.

What? Wait a second. Wait a second.

You don't-- You don't need this bed, okay?

There's plenty of other beds.

Look at this nice Nick and Doris.

Hey, this would look cute on you.

Oh, it would. Can I try it on?

Right in there. Now where were we?

IRA: 450. 60.

Hey, what are you doing? $500.

Stop it, okay?

It's okay.

It's too rich for me.

See? Sold for $500.

Fine, fine, fine. All right.

Now, can I show you something in an end table?

No.

Uh, j-just get the car. Get the keys.

(FRAN SCREAMING) Fran, where's...

I didn't see anything. I didn't see anything.

How did you get this thing together in the first place?

That was when I had guys.

Great. I've got 14 things and 3 holes. What do I do?

Join the circus.

Is this it? No.

JAMIE: Hello.

Oh, this is no good.

Now what?

Uh, all right.

How fast can you do this? We can't.

All right, but hurry. JAMIE: Hello.

Hey. Look who's home. Hey.

Hi, what happened? Aunt Rochelle got back early,

so Mom got back early, so I took the 3:00 train.

It's like a whole little Darwinian thing there.

IRA: Ow!

What was that? How was your father? Good?

Please. The man fought two wars,

he can't cut a melon. I'm so exhausted.

Oh, you know what? You're exhausted.

(STUTTERING) Let's go out. What?

We'll take a walk, you know. It'll pep you right up.

Now, honey, I just want to go to bed.

Well, okay, all right. But first, I wanna show you something.

What? Just come here. Come here.

Come here, come here. Honey.

I wanted you to see this. This is good.

What? Guess.

I'm-- I'm really too tired to guess.

Oh, come on, come on. Guess, guess, guess, guess.

Uh, you cleaned something? No.

You cooked something? Uh, no.

You ate something? No.

All right. I give up. Oh, come on, come on.

Look. Look--Look around.

Cold.

(CHUCKLES) Warm.

Warmer.

Cold.

Warm.

Warmer.

Hot.

Cold.

How can I be hot and cold at the same time?

Malaria.

No, wait. All right, all right, all right.

You wanna dance? No.

You wanna play cards? No.

Wanna learn VCR Plus? No.

If you had told me about the dry cleaning,

or the meat, or at least one of 'em,

I would know what goes on around here.

So, basically, this is all your...

That was quick. What?

Little shooting pain I just had. It's all right.

Are you okay?

Um... Yeah.

You know what, though? I just missed you.

I really... I missed you. I love when you...

Nothing seems to work when you're not here.

Oh. Really.

Well, now you're home and everything is good.

Welcome home.

Honey, maybe we should get a new bed.

This is all I'm saying.

(DOOR CREAKING)

(TRUNK CREAKING)

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