Original subtitles

Bye, Paul. Bye, Jamie. Good night.

PAUL: Good night, thanks. JAMIE: I'll see you soon, you guys.

MAN: Great party, huh? Okay.

Good night, you guys. It was great to see... Thanks.

Call us, okay? Bye-bye.

12th street and 5th Avenue, please.

How could I know?

Do I look okay? You look great.

Is my hair flat? Not at all.

It's supposed to be.

Oh. It is.

Okay, good night.

Wait, wait, wait. Where are you going?

You said you'd be here at 9:00. Yeah, so?

It's 9:02.

It's all couples.

Would you please just give it a chance?

You brought a present? Yes. It's her birthday.

Give me a pen. Give her a pen.

Give her a pen.

Oh, you're gonna chip in for that?

Whatever. Hey.

Hey. Happy birthday. Hi.

Happy birthday, you.

This is from us.

Oh.

(MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO)

You didn't have to do that. Don't be silly.

Do you guys have a lemon?

A lemon. You know what, I forgot it in my other pants.

It's okay. It's just that the guacamole needs a little something.

I'm sure it's fine. No, she's right.

I'm going to run downstairs.

Fran, Fran, relax. Don't make yourself crazy.

I know. It's just my first party without Mark

and it's my birthday, the rug shampooer was late, and there's no lemon.

Oh. Yeah, well, your hair looks nice and flat.

What?

You told me that was good.

Your hair looks beautiful, you look great,

and everybody seems to be having a wonderful time.

Oh, God. What?

The waiters are bunching.

Fran. I told them to circulate.

BOB: Hey, guys!

Hey. Hey.

Help me. I--I got it.

Okay, it's Doris. Doris

and, uh, Doris' husband.

Hey, Jamie. Hey, Paul.

Hey, Doris. Hey, champ.

We were just thinking about you.

We were in Florida... For the holidays...

To visit the parents... And we saw a restaurant

that had a sign that said

BOTH: "Paul and Jamie's Chicken Village."

Well, it wasn't us. I'll tell you that.

Actually, it was pronounced "Hymie."

Like the Spanish. But we still laughed.

So Florida, huh?

Oh, it was like a second honeymoon.

Without the wedding. Or the relatives.

And all the thank you notes.

What? What?

Well, when we got back from our honeymoon,

I was so good about sitting right down

and writing all of our thank you notes. I helped.

Yes. He offered to mail them.

See, I figured I'll drop 'em off at the post office on my way to the gym.

So then... Zest.

What's that? It's the Zest story, right?

Yes, it is.

We love that story.

Tell it again.

No, no. That's okay.

Well, it has been great seeing you.

You, too. Nice to see you.

MAN: Hey, Bob, Doris. BOTH: Hi!

Excuse us.

Didn't they used to be two people?

I know. Did you noticed how they kept finishing

each other's sentences? Finishing each other's sentences?

It's like they're part of

a cult or something. A cult or something. Really.

When did that happen to them?

Really. They're worse than you.

What is that supposed to mean?

Nothing.

Hey, we are not like that.

Yeah, right.

We're not. We're not.

Ooh.

Fran looked good, huh? Mmm-hmm.

Think she liked her present?

I think so.

How could anybody say we're like Doris and Doris' husband?

Well, we're not. It's ridiculous.

We just... We just like being together.

That's normal. That's normal.

(EXHALES)

Tell you what. How about I meet you back here later?

Good idea. All right.

Oh. Uh...

Are you're going to go... I'm going that way.

All right, then.

WOMAN: Yeah, yeah, yeah. So what did you say?

So I said, "You can't say that.

"This is Pennsylvania."

(ALL LAUGHING)

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

Whoo!

(COUGHING)

IRA: Hey, Paulie. Splinky.

So are you and, uh, you and Jamie fighting? No.

So what's she doing over there? You're here.

What, we can't go to a party and be there and here?

Not that I know of.

Hey, hey, hey, who's that?

20 bucks she's a model.

Which one? Mine.

Come on, be my wing man.

Oh, I--I'm not good at this anymore.

Come on, Paulie. You were never good at this.

All you gotta do is talk to her girlfriend.

(SIGHS)

All right. But, hey. What?

Do not tell them I'm a director.

But it works.

For you, yeah. But remember, remember Loretta?

What, the singer? I liked her.

Yeah, 'cause you didn't get 20 minutes of South Pacific on your answering machine.

All right, fine. So be an accountant.

Hey, hey. I'm not going to be an accountant.

All right, so be a chef.

I wanna be a doctor.

Good. From Brazil.

Hey, don't push it. Come on.

Excuse us, ladies, uh,

have either of you seen my wife?

Uh, no.

Well, that's good, 'cause I'm not married.

How about yourself?

No. I'm Tracy. Hi.

Tracy. Ira. Carol.

Carol. And this is, uh, my cousin Dr. Buchman.

Here, here, here. Let me buy you dinner.

No, thanks.

So what kind of a doctor are you?

What's that? What kind?

Guess.

Uh, GP.

Uh, no.

Pediatrician.

In fact, no.

Ear, nose, and throat.

Uh, nope, nope and nope.

He's a chiropractor.

Oh. Really?

Unless I'm lying.

Boy, I am-- I am really glad to meet you.

Well, thank you very much.

You know, my neck is killing me.

Ooh! Whoa!

Why the hell are you taking Lexington?

Hey, don't yell at him 'cause you're mad at me.

(CAR HORN HONKING) Hey, watch it, nimrod!

I'm fine. I had a wonderful time. All right.

How could anybody say we're like Doris and Doris' husband?

Well, we're not. It's ridiculous.

We just like being together.

That's normal. That's normal.

(WHISTLES)

Tell you what. Let's take a little break, all right?

I'll meet you back here later.

Good idea.

Hey.

I'll go... I'm going that way.

All right, then.

Where's Paul? He's over there.

Oh, no. Don't ruin my party.

What are you talking about?

You two are going to make up eventually. Just do it now.

We're not fighting. We're mingling.

Okay, fine. Just put on a happy face.

Hey, there's the birthday girl.

Oh, you didn't have to do that.

What was I, raised by wolves?

So where's Paulie?

MAN: "...Pennsylvania."

(ALL LAUGHING)

He's over there.

Oh.

What? Oh, don't worry. You'll work it out.

Needs lemon.

(LAUGHS) Oh. Well, thank you.

Yeah. I just love lemon. It's so versatile.

Don't you think?

Yeah, I guess. You guess?

(STAMMERING) No. Sure, it is.

Yeah.

I mean, think about it. It goes with fish.

It goes with hot tea, iced tea.

It really dresses up a glass of water.

Oh! I'm sorry. Excuse me one second. Fran?

(CLEARS THROAT)

Wow. Yeah?

Oh, please don't ruin my party.

I told you, we're not fighting. Not that.

Oh, my God.

I swear I didn't invite him.

What is he doing here?

I don't know.

I heard he's doing some graphic work for Marsha. She must have brought him.

You know what? It's fine, it's fine.

Why wouldn't it be fine?

I broke up with him.

I know. I did.

I know.

I mean, it's like ancient history.

Please don't ruin my party.

Listen, I am just going to go and say hello

and get it over with. I'll see you in a minute.

WOMAN: Well, it has been great seeing you.

Oh, God. Sorry about that.

Jamie.

Alan?

Hi. Hi.

Good to see you. Yeah, you, too.

Wow. You look completely different.

Your hair, it's... Yeah, it's flat.

That's a good flat, though. I like it.

You shaved your, um... Oh, yeah. Yeah.

So I guess we're pretty much caught up. Yeah.

Oh, no, no, I hear you got married.

Two years. Wow. Congratulations.

Thank you. So, uh, where is he?

He's, um...

Whoa!

Gosh, he's someplace.

You took food?

It's a cookie.

Did you take another one? No.

Okay, now dab it.

I'm dabbing it. I'm dabbing it.

All right, all right. You want me to dab it?

No, I want you to keep pouring seltzer on my shoes.

All right, suit yourself.

Now, where were we?

My neck. Your neck.

Great. Now what can we do about this, doc?

Can't you give her some kind of adjustment?

Uh, sadly, no. Not without my ultrasound equipment.

Oh, please.

Listen... Now, come on. You took the oath.

Here. Let me take this from you,

and you, right?

All right? Here we go.

All right. This--This may hurt for a second.

All right?

(CRACKING)

(CRACKING)

How is that? A little better?

(STAMMERING) It really... It's better.

Yeah. Thank you.

You know what? Is there anyplace to grab a smoke around here?

A smoke? Actually, yeah. Out on the veranda. May I escort you?

Okay.

So. So.

So.

Here's a funny little story.

When my wife and I came back from our honeymoon...

Ah, you're married. Yeah.

So, uh, she had done all the thank you notes, written them right away.

Then she gave them to me to mail.

So I put them in my gym bag

and I'm walking to the gym and on my way

I see at the Waverly Theater

there's this movie that I was... I--I wanted to see.

This, uh... Some Italian thing.

The Tree... The Tree of...

Tree of... Something.

Tree of... Something.

Something. Something. Something in a tree.

Something in a tree.

A bush. Something in a bush, bush tree.

Something... Anyway. Uh, so...

Birds of a Feather. That's it.

Birds of a Feather. You ever see that?

No. No. Oh, well.

You didn't miss much.

It was a little disappointing.

So, uh, anyway, you know what? Very nice to meet you.

Yeah, you, too, Dr. Buchman.

It's Paul.

Oh, that's funny. There's a director named Paul Buchman.

Is that right? Yeah, I always wanted to work with him.

Let me guess. You're an actress.

No. I'm an executive at NBC.

Well, enjoy the party.

Just... Just one second.

Wow. Having a good time?

Yeah. You? Oh, yeah.

Say the situation was reversed... Okay.

...and you did the exact same thing.

Then I would be wrong.

But here the situation is not reversed.

It's exactly as it was.

So in this case, the wrong person would be...

You anyway.

So he puts them in his gym bag

and says he'll stop at the post office 'cause it's right on his way.

Which gym?

Um, Health and Racquet.

(CLEARS THROAT) Anyway.

So--So he's on his way

and he stops to see Birds of a Feather.

After the gym?

No, instead.

It's a brilliant film.

(CRACKING)

Anyway, um...

So he, uh, he takes a bath.

After the movie.

No, no, no. This is months later.

I don't think I'm following you here.

Doesn't matter, doesn't matter, doesn't matter.

So you're going out with Marsha?

Oh, no, no, no.

We're just good friends.

Oh, good. You know, whatever makes you happy.

Oh, I'm doing good. Me, too.

Really good. Yeah, I am.

No, I--I meant me. Yeah, I know. Me, too.

I don't know. Really good. Really, really good.

I'm doing album covers.

I started my own PR firm.

Peter Gabriel. Coca Cola.

You're handling Coca Cola?

No, I'm just thirsty, is the thing.

(CLEARS THROAT)

You know,

we don't have to... We don't have to do this anymore.

You're right. You're right.

How are you really?

Great. Me, too.

I was actually... I was a little nervous

about coming here tonight.

I thought things might be a little awkward between us.

Why?

(STAMMERING) Well, I just felt bad about the way I broke up with you.

(LAUGHING)

Actually, I broke up with you.

Oh.

Right. I did.

No, no. I know. No, don't give me that, because I did.

I'm agreeing.

Okay. It was really nice to see you.

You, too. And I did.

Okay.

Having a good time? Yeah. You?

Yeah. Oh, sure.

So who you been talking to?

Friend of Fran's. You?

You know Ira.

So Alan, huh? Yeah. That's all fine,

it's fine. Good, good.

Why shouldn't it be? It should.

It is.

So you wouldn't mind if I went out with him? What?

You told me to meet people.

He asked you out?

Yeah. I--I thought it was a little weird, you know,

since he broke up with you and everything. Wait, wait, wait.

He said that?

What? That he broke up with me?

Yeah.

I guess. Somebody did. Anyway.

I told him I had to check with you first.

Well, you don't. So I can?

No, no, no.

Hi. How's your neck doing?

Oh, good. Uh, well, you were great.

Well, beginner's luck.

Here's the thing.

I didn't realize when I...

Ira brought me over... I didn't...

You know, there was no...

What do you do at NBC exactly?

I'm in charge of miniseries.

Okay, well, you're gonna think this is very funny.

It's not that story again, is it?

No, no. Not that one.

Uh, okay, remember the other Paul Buchman you wanted to meet?

Hi, how are you?

I don't get it.

I'm, uh... I'm sort of him.

(CHUCKLES) Oh.

Okay, yeah. That's real funny.

No, no, no, seriously, truly.

Truly. Ira, would you please tell this woman what I do?

He's a chiropractor.

What are you trying to pull?

Okay, look, here is my Director's Guild card.

I swear. He does this to me all the time.

Ira wanted to meet your friend, so...

He always does this. He brings me to a party, then, you know,

he's chasing after a beautiful woman. He sticks me with the other one.

Not in any way to imply that you are the other one.

(STAMMERING) Not... You're a very... I just...

He put...

All I'm saying, look, I am, I am, I am Paul Buchman.

Trust me. No one will ever know.

Scrod? Royally.

No! No, no, no, no!

No, no, no! Not at all.

Excuse me. Could you please drive us into a pole?

(ALL SINGING HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU)

Oh, can I have your wish? No!

(ALL CHEERING)

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

Listen, uh,

can I just say I'm very bad at parties?

Okay, okay. I mean, I'm not very good at parties, either.

They're the worst!

You know, ever since my husband and I split up...

Oh, sorry. No, it's fine.

It's just these things, you know?

He always got me through them.

We had this whole sort of sign language worked out.

Oh, hey, just, uh, did it ourselves.

It's time to go now.

The old "time to go." There's, uh,

"You got a little thing on your nose."

There's this one "I'm talking to the most

"boring person in the world.

"Pull me out of this hell."

And, uh, the other sign we have

is this which is, uh,

"Swing on anything. He's stealing second."

Why don't you call me at my office on Monday?

Really? Yeah. Well, we have this project coming up

I think you might be perfect for.

Oh, that would be great. Just...

Wow. You still carry that damn tea.

Want some? No, thanks.

I just came in to say good night.

It was great to see you, and I broke up with you.

Okay.

So then why did you tell my sister that you broke up with me?

Obviously it's not that important anymore, is it?

No. I just hate to see you

walking through your life this confused.

I was there. Yeah, so was I.

I remember it perfectly. We had that huge fight

in the middle of Aida... Rigoletto.

Yeah, Rigoletto with elephants? Hello?

Fine. Okay.

So then, we have this big fight in the cab.

Yeah. Which is why I dropped you off.

Right. And then the next morning I woke up,

called you and told you it was over. Oh, I called you.

After I called you. After I left you a message.

After I left you a message.

Well, I didn't get that message. I called you right after breakfast.

Okay, I called you when I woke up.

Well, when did you wake up? 7:30.

What time did you have breakfast? 7:00.

Okay, what did you have?

It was five years ago. I don't remember.

Just answer the question.

I don't know. Waffles. Aha!

Aha, what? You should have said a muffin.

Because waffles take at least 40 minutes to order and eat.

That's if you don't send them back three times, which you always did, anyway.

Which means the earliest you could have called me is 7:40,

which is 10 minutes after I broke up with you.

Wow. What?

You're still nuts.

I'm not nuts.

I'm thorough.

I just wanted to set the record straight.

Now you can go.

Well, fine, because I was going anyway.

Well, now you may. Thank you.

Is everything okay? It's perfect, it's over, it's settled.

I never have to see him again! Good for you.

Paul's doing that thing with his watch, so we're gonna go.

Okay. I miss that.

What? The ride home

after a party with somebody, you know?

The way you talk about everybody, put down their food.

Please don't put down my food.

We won't. Happy birthday.

Thanks.

You ready? Yes. Let me get the coats.

I'm gonna check on Lisa.

Oh, hi.

Hi! Good scrod.

Oh? Do you like fish?

Sure. What kind?

I don't know. I like halibut.

Really? Yeah. Well, not as much as flounder.

Good. But more than pike. Well, a little more than pike,

although, not as much as grouper.

Okey-dokey. Hey, honey. Ready to go?

Yeah. Just a sec. Did you meet Carol?

Yes. Yes, I did.

Your hair looks great. Really. Stop fussing.

Thank you. Thank you very much.

You're a beautiful woman. Stop fussing. Seriously.

Paul? Yes.

Did I give you my card? Yes.

May I have it back?

Yes.

How could I know?

The woman likes to talk about fish.

You can't humor her?

I was about to faint.

Little fish talk, small price to pay for a miniseries.

What are you doing giving our signals away?

I was being charming.

Why didn't you just give her my locker combination?

I tried everything else.

She didn't even laugh at the thank you note story.

Well, did you tell it right?

I think I can tell a story without your help.

You gave me the thank you notes.

I put them in my gym bag to mail.

On the way to the gym,

I stopped at the movies to see... What is the name of that?

It doesn't matter. The point is,

you didn't get to the gym for six months,

then you took a bath.

No. No, no, no, no. You keep jumping that part.

First, after six months, I realized, I first realized that I forgot to mail them,

only I didn't want you to know.

So I thought I'd make them look weathered,

you know, like the post office lost them or something.

Right, right, right. Then you took the bath.

Yeah, then I took the bath.

And I took the envelopes into the bathtub

with me to... To weather them up. And then you came in...

I came in and I saw you sitting in the bathtub

with 75 envelopes around you

and I said, "What are you doing?"

You said, "What are you doing?" I said, "I'm, uh, I'm writing to Zest.

"I'm just so pleased with their work."

(LAUGHING)

Where was this guy all night?

That's a good story.

Here.

Thank you.

I'm sorry. Well, how could you know?

It was a good party, though, other than that, wasn't it?

All things considered.

You talk to anybody?

Couple of people. One guy I liked.

I told him we'd have dinner with him next week.

Who?

Hi, I'm Paul.

PAUL: How could I know?

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