Original subtitles

* Tell me why I love you like I do

* Tell me who can stop my heart as much as you

* Let's take each other's hand

* As we jump into the final frontier

* I'm mad about you, baby

* Yeah!

* I'm mad about you

You sure you measured this thing?

I measured.

Well, meanwhile, I'm trapped.

You're not trapped.

I'm trapped, and you now live in the hall.

MAN: Give me a sip. MAN 2: No, get your own.

JAMIE: What?

Well, it's the stupid intercom again.

We have to get Wicker to fix that thing.

Guys, please don't give up.

Just give it one really good shove. I know it's gonna go in.

Oh. Sorry.

That's perfectly all right.

Just give me five seconds. See, I bought this thing at...

Not even British. She's from right around here.

You know what? Actually, never mind. It's fine.

Honey, do you have some money? PAUL: For what?

'Cause I may as well let these guys go.

Okay, so we'll just live like this then.

MAN: Leshana, get over here!

Where's Wicker?

He'll be here. Just give me $20.

How? Show me how I would give you this $20. You're a voice.

All right, drop it out the window.

Just go downstairs. He'll drop it.

He will. I swear.

Are you kidding me?

(WHISPERING) Just drop the $20. They know where we live.

I don't even have $20. I got... I have one million singles.

Apparently I work in an arcade.

Use the sock.

What sock?

In the kitchen under the sink.

There's a sock?

Under the sink.

(ELEVATOR BELL DINGS)

Mr. Wicker, thank God.

Hello, Buchmans. Where's the other one?

He's in there.

Oh, boy.

I know.

Did you measure this?

I measured it.

You all right?

My wife's up at a crafts fair in the Berkshires.

It always makes me feel a little blue.

That's very sweet.

I'll have to go around on the fire escape.

Hello, Conway. Hello, Wicker.

Got an emergency. Oh.

Sorry. That's perfectly all right.

You just let him use your bedroom window. He can go...

You ask me, "Why is there a sock under the sink?" This I couldn't tell you.

(TELEPHONE RINGING)

It's like a mystery.

Yo.

Hi, Ma.

Listen, I can't talk about the plates now.

I know Dad is wrong. I told him. I did. I told him.

Listen, I gotta--I gotta throw money out the window.

Literally.

Let me--Let me call you back. I'll call you back later.

JAMIE: Who was that? Guess.

The plates. Bingo.

Fellas!

Here you go!

Keep the sock!

Where did you get a cookie?

Across the hall.

She gave you a cookie? Uh-huh.

Three years. I never got a cookie.

Oh, boy.

Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

You better step back.

JAMIE: Okay.

It's really a gift, what you have.

How did you do that?

I'm told I have a gift.

Well, we need either a smaller dresser or a much bigger home.

Well, this doorway's 38 inches.

Thirty eight, right. And the armoire's 34.

Okay, what does this say?

Thirty four.

No. Similar to a four.

Thirty nine. Thirty nine.

Tiny, stupid numbers.

Yeah, w-we should really talk.

Can't wait to see this.

Swear you didn't watch it?

I swear. I taped and I rewound.

All right. You know who did it?

I do know who did it. It was the fish broker.

The fish broker?

Now, you see, this is why, my friend,

you will never work for Scotland Yard.

The fish broker had a wooden foot, right?

So how is he gonna outrun all those bloodhounds across the moor?

It was night and it was foggy. They didn't see him.

Scent. They do it off a scent.

All right, let's see who's right. Here we go. Here we go.

The Barrister In The Bog, Part five.

ANNOUNCER: Welcome to Supermarket Mania

where the Mortons of Long Branch, New Jersey,

take on their Midwestern rivals,

the Desilvas of Rockford, Illinois!

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

The Desilva family?

Gee, I didn't see that coming.

How did this happen?

'Cause this VCR also has tiny, stupid numbers.

I'm not getting glasses.

You're such a child.

I can't find the prescription.

What do you mean? I lost it. I can't find it.

Well, I guess that's the end of that.

(MAN SPEAKING SPANISH ON TV)

What is with this thing?

We could've had Wicker fix it when he was here.

Do you understand? My whole life I've had perfect eyes.

You still do. They just don't work quite as well.

But why?

'Cause you're getting older.

Really? Where's your hair?

Ooh. Do you wanna go there?

No, I don't. I'm sorry. I'm really sorry.

Maybe contacts. Maybe.

Contacts will be fine.

Ick. Putting something actually on your actual eye? Ick.

What's ick? I do it all the time.

Ick, ick, ick. So get glasses.

(DOORBELL BUZZING)

Who is it? WICKER: Super.

Glasses are so cool. You know, hey, Franz Schubert.

Franz Schubert?

Yes, I went with 18th century German composer Franz Schubert.

Hi. It's pretty good out here.

We're very proud.

Checking the door jamb. Making sure there's no damage from this morning.

Oh, no, no, it's fine. Yeah, well,

as long as I'm here, anything else you need? You know, anything at all?

What is this, like a cool prank? What?

MAN: Tell them they're here? They know! They're here!

This thing has been going nuts. This...

Okay, also the shower.

When you turn on the hot, little pellets come out. Oh, yeah?

Honey, it's 1:10.

Or, if your eyes work, 10:05.

All right, all right.

Pellets? Little flecks of something.

I'll check it out. Come here, come here, come here.

What? What is he doing here?

Who cares? He's fixing things.

Do you think something's wrong?

When it shoots pellets like that...

I mean with Wicker.

Ask him if he's okay.

I--I don't want to. Why not?

Because I don't want... I don't...

I don't... We don't have a relationship like that. You go ask him.

You're closer to him than I am.

How am I closer to him? You're men. You're both men.

This is probably some man thing.

He... What... He's fixing the shower. Leave him alone.

Fine. We'll compromise. You go talk to him. I'll make us some tea.

How is that a compromise? Show me the compromise portion.

I'm onto you.

What? You can't fix it?

Huh? Oh.

Take a gander.

Oh. So, uh, when does Mrs. Wicker come back?

Actually she came back this afternoon.

Oh. Really? Yeah.

Uh, if you wanna go see her or something, this can...

You know, soon as you finish this, go be with her.

Oh, no, it's okay. Yeah? All right.

Listen, these pellets, they're like--they're like little teeth.

Which I'm hoping they're not.

Do you know your neighbor in 11-J, Mrs. Stern?

Mrs. Stern, uh, doesn't ring a bell.

I'll tell you, when they fly out, they actually bounce off, it's like hail.

You'd like her, Mrs. Stern.

Annabelle. That's her first name.

Who? Mrs. Stern.

11-J. Very nice woman.

Oh, yeah? Oh, yeah.

In fact, I was over there this afternoon,

unbending her Venetian blinds.

That's something that you do, blind-unbending?

That's not all. I Rust-Oleumed her fire escape,

I fixed her toaster.

Toaster? Wow.

See what I mean?

Oh.

I'm telling you. I'm feeling a little guilty about her.

There's nothing to feel guilty about. You made a new friend. So what?

Huh. She's so young.

Yeah, but eyes like a 90-year-old.

Why can't you have a friend who's a woman?

Yeah, of course you can, of course you can.

So wait a second. What else is going on in 11-J?

You leave him alone.

You wanted to talk. We're talking.

Once I pick out a frame, they can have them ready in 60 minutes.

You know, I don't even trust that. Why?

(TELEPHONE RINGING)

Because it takes 30 years for your eyes to go bad,

and they're gonna fix them in one hour? Hello.

Hi, Dad. Huh?

They're plates. You know, the only purpose is to be under food.

Listen, we're walking out the door now.

No, no, I wasn't throwing money out the window.

I was tipping. I was tipping vertically.

Well, I don't understand you and the plates, so we're even.

Listen, I will call you back, all right? I gotta go. Bye.

Who's winning?

Guess.

Oh.

And?

I was just wondering about your armoire.

How long is it staying there?

Oh, who can say? You know with the French...

We're not afraid of you people.

You know what the problem is?

They have no citrus in their country.

What are you talking about?

No citrus. It makes them angry. Seriously.

Mr. Wicker.

Oh, um... Hi, Buchmans.

I was just fixing Mrs. Stern's doorbell.

With a wire cutter?

What are you saying?

Nothing. Hey, listen,

what I know about fixing a doorbell

you could fit into this little button here.

Oh, well, then, I...

But, were I breaking a doorbell,

so that I might be invited back by the occupant to fix it,

well, even I, a layman, would know to bring wire cutters.

I don't know what I'm doing.

I'm vandalizing my own building.

What's going on? No, you tell me.

I had this dream last night.

She was naked and I was a cigar.

What do you think that means?

Impossible to say with dreams.

I don't know what I'm doing.

Talk about it.

To who? Mrs. Wicker.

Oh, you're so young.

No, no, no, I think she's right.

You know, if you come clean with Mrs. Wicker, you'll feel better.

Otherwise you're walking around with a big piece of beef hanging in your heart.

You haven't done anything wrong.

This is just like that great story

with the girl and the celery.

Exactly. Girl takes a piece of celery.

She feels so guilty, it's as if she took a cookie.

No, you're telling it wrong.

See, this girl thinks taking celery is bad.

When in fact her parents would want her to take the celery. They would encourage that.

Right, so instead of saying, "Hey, Mom, Dad, I took some celery,"

she keeps it inside and lets it eat away at her.

As if she'd taken a cookie. As if she'd taken a cookie.

A very touching story.

The point being this woman's a piece of celery, but by your not telling your wife,

you're turning her into a cookie.

She's liable to be upset.

Over what? She's celery.

With a little bit of cookie.

Really? Seventy five degrees yesterday,

and I bled her radiator.

Listen, we don't need to know everything. Thank you though.

You'd think after 40 years of marriage

they would have gotten all the bugs out, you know?

It's not bugs. It's good, it's alive, it's healthy.

It's worrisome. I mean, if the Wickers haven't figured out monogamy, then who?

Even the Wickers have to take it day by day like everybody else.

I can see day by day for like a year or a few years, but then what?

Then you take it year by year.

So you're doing it day by day and year by year.

Eventually, you know, decade by decade.

Monogamy, man, it's draining.

In, like, a good way.

Hey, try these.

Yeah? What do you think?

Really good.

Okay, wait. Now these.

Better.

You're not helping.

What did I say?

How can a person who needs glasses

be trusted to pick out glasses?

That's what I'm here for. Oh, excuse me.

All right, listen,

I need you to be my eyes,

which are very critical of me.

I can't possibly look beautiful in every single pair of glasses.

All right. All right.

Sorry. Really beautiful.

Come on! I can't help it.

Listen, you're an unbreakably beautiful woman.

You know, you're beautiful first thing in the morning,

beautiful in a bad hat.

Oh, excuse me.

The problem is my face is trapezoidal.

You know that?

Yes. Very bad for glasses.

All right.

I really like them.

Yeah. Great. Which hat is bad?

No.

Bad hat, bad hat. It's an expression.

You know, "You'd be beautiful in a bad hat." Please.

Excuse me.

Yes, actually it's...

Can I help you?

I'm just looking. Thank you.

Well, if there's anything I can do for you, just let me know.

Okay, thank you.

Nice girl. Mmm-hmm.

JAMIE: You ready?

Babe, I already saw you in the glasses. Remember?

In the store?

I was the curly-haired guy, gave you gum?

You're cute.

What?

Seriously, you're really gorgeous.

Hey, what have I been trying to tell you?

All right, how do I look? Stunning.

Really? Yes.

Better than the girl who sold them to me?

Can't even compare.

All right. How about from the side?

What? I don't like them from the side.

Who's gonna walk into a room like this?

What about the other side?

Let me see again.

Hey, James.

What? See? Now it's good.

(DOORBELL BUZZING)

Do they look obvious? Not at all.

I feel like they're obvious.

Absolutely not.

You got glasses.

They're not invisible.

How's the shower?

Shower is perfect.

Mind if I use it?

So you told Mrs. Wicker?

I told her.

Come in.

What did you say?

Well, I said I've been flirting like a young schoolboy with another woman

and I feel terrible.

And what did she say?

She said, "Stay with your friends, the Buchmans."

Ow. Ow.

You know, it's not enough to buy the glasses.

You have to actually put them on.

I can wait for the contacts, thank you very much.

So this is what, this is like an aerobic thing you're doing?

Yes, it is. All right.

That is a terrific shower.

Hey, Wicker. Hello, Wicker.

No more pellets, but I found a little hair in the drain.

I'll put it in the kitchen.

You're a beautiful man.

We've done a terrible thing here. What?

We've got to get those two back together.

Maybe we should call Mrs. Wicker.

Yeah, that's what you wanna do, get more involved.

Just... I'm fine!

Read to me.

What?

Read to me. What do you got?

Dickens. Read me a little Dickens.

Fine.

"The orphan looked up with

"a hungry face."

You happy?

A little more, if you would.

No, no, from here.

"Oh, Mr. Cravendish, he said,

"I am so besot with hunger."

He was besot?

He was an orphan.

"I wish I had a plate of porridge

"or some gruel.

"I'm so hungry,

"So very, very hungry

"and cold

"and parentless."

It does not say parentless. Oh, what's it your business?

Show me where it says parentless.

What's happening? Oh, Dickens makes me hot.

Fair enough.

WICKER: Hey, kids.

Hey. Oh, okey-dokey.

Sorry. Am I interrupting?

No. We were just reading. Fine.

I made a little cocoa.

We were just saying how besot with hunger we are.

I put a little nutmeg in there. Claire loves nutmeg.

I tell you, your mother called this afternoon.

All right, now, what's the latest now?

Your father's warming up to the saucers, not budging on the plates.

Did you say I would call her back? No.

I love you.

You should talk to Mrs. Wicker.

I tried that.

If she wants me back, she'll let me know.

I'm gonna take Murray for a walk, okay?

(WHISPERING) Oh, God, I feel so guilty.

Why?

We destroyed Wicker's life.

Okay, but we've discovered the beauty of nutmeg.

The whole yin yang of life.

It's fascinating.

Okay, this shouldn't take very long.

Head still. Look at the pen.

(SALESGIRL CHUCKLING)

Uh, I should've been more specific.

The pen in my right hand.

Sorry.

SALESGIRL: You know, you have very classical features.

Really? Huh. Yeah.

It's funny 'cause I've always been told

I have easy-listening features.

Uh, where'd you get those glasses?

These I got in a little place called my night table.

Where's that?

Conveniently, right next to my bed.

Honey, how do I look?

Did you get them in?

No, but this is how I look.

Look really good.

Other side of the bed, her night table.

What? I was being alive and good and healthy.

You don't have to be healthy right in front of me.

Word is you can't see. That's why we were there.

Thank you. When I'm young, good and healthy with Tony at Gristede's,

I don't make you watch.

Of course not, 'cause I can watch it up on the security monitor

with the rest of the store.

Honey, look. He put in a dimmer.

Why did he do that? I like that switch.

Yeah, but now we have choices. Look.

All right.

And she took you for $266.

She didn't take me. These are spectacular glasses.

She said they're good for down to three atmospheres.

You don't dive.

I know. But if I do, I can see pretty good now.

Mr. Wicker?

I don't think he's here.

Yeah. He's probably over at Mrs. Stern's,

shampooing her rug.

I don't mean that dirty.

You think anything happened with him and Mrs. Stern?

No. I really don't.

How can you be so sure?

Just a reckless optimism.

Hey, is it in?

Uh,

not so much.

The trick is to not close your eye till after.

I understand, but it's coming right at me.

Yeah, so don't look at it. That's why I close my eye.

All right.

You know what I think?

No.

"No," you don't know or "No, you don't care"?

Just what?

I think the trick is

to have the alive, to have the good and the healthy,

and just, like, not ruin your life.

The Wickers, they're married 40 years.

That's 14,300 days.

Fourteen thousand, six hundred days.

You got 600? Uh-huh.

All right, 14,600 days.

So in all that... You know how many--how many

eyeglass girls and stock boys named Tonys they've met?

A lot.

A lot. And every time it comes up,

they have to make the decision,

"No, I'm not gonna go there. I'm going home."

Okay, is it in?

Come here. All right. Let me.

Are you going to be here to do this every morning?

What did I just spend 15 minutes saying to you?

Bingo.

Hey. I think it's in.

Yeah? Good for you. Good girl.

(KNOCKING)

Yeah? What's with the winking?

I don't know. I can't help myself.

It's like you're trying to pick me up.

Which, I gotta say, is unnecessary, and yet, kind of cute.

Oh, Mrs. Wicker.

Hello.

Well, come on in. Please. Sure. Thank you.

Look who's here. Mrs. Wicker!

You know Jamie. Mrs. Wicker came up.

Um, so how is everyone?

Uh, he's fine. He's fine.

I didn't ask specifics.

Well, either way, he's fine.

Well, when you see him, you might want to tell him

that Admiral Cheswick peed in the elevator again.

Who's Admiral Cheswick?

12-K. The Cohens' cat.

Oh. Oh, sure.

He's an admiral now.

And in 15-J, the water won't stop running...

Can I--Can I just tell you?

Listen, it's not like your husband is having a good time up here.

Yeah, he's not having any fun.

I see.

So where is he now,

in the Stern apartment?

Of course not. No.

I think he's down in 9-R 'cause they saw a roach.

That's right, yeah. Yeah, they saw a roach.

You must think this is amusing.

No, no, no, no! She just got contacts put in.

So he's not in 11-J?

Of course not.

Mrs. Wicker, can I just tell you something

as a man who loves his wife?

I got to tell you, your husband, Mr. Wicker, is a man who loves his wife.

I know he is.

So why won't you take him back?

Because I'm not finished hurting.

When I am finished hurting, I will take him back.

Well, if it means anything, he's hurting, too.

Seriously.

Your neighbors across the hall are right.

You're just horrible people.

Stop that. Just stop it.

Hey.

Popovers are in the oven.

Got to wait 13 minutes.

You take them out in 14 minutes, you got paperweights.

All right, got it.

Thank you very much.

I'm going down to 12-C. They got linoleum bubbles.

I'll be back for lunch though.

Well, what would you do for linoleum bubbles?

Depends on how far along they are.

(KNOCKING)

I'll get it.

Claire, what are you doing here?

You're needed in 5-J.

What's the problem... 5-J. That's us.

That's us.

Shall we go? Let's go.

We're gonna go.

So that's it? It's all over now?

It's over.

But how? Why?

You don't understand? You gotta have a good fight once in a while.

You do? WICKER: Sure.

How are you gonna stay together 40 years?

It's like the spit valve in a trumpet.

You're such a romantic man.

We had a fight a couple of years ago you wouldn't believe.

JAMIE: About what? Couldn't even tell you.

And it's not our business.

It was about plates.

Don't start. Come on.

Goodbye, Buchmans.

Goodbye, Wickers. Goodbye, Wickers.

(DOOR SHUTTING)

So who do you wanna play with now?

an laid a wreath

"on the grave of Mr. Cravendish and smiled,

"for he knew he would no longer be parentless,

"and he would have enough porridge to keep him

"from ever being besot again.

"The end."

And we thought she was making it up.

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