Original subtitles

Sad news from miami as hurricane jasmine forsythe

Has claimed the life of lebron james

Of the miami heat.

Mr. James was swept away by the storm surge

That destroyed 90% of the florida peninsula last night.

Once again, we're reporting the sad death of lebron james,

And the rest of the miami heat,

And 12 million other people.

(down-tempo music)

(louie) my daughter asked me that question,

Uh, what came first, the chicken or the egg?

That's supposed to be a very perplexing question.

What came first, the chicken or the egg?

It's really easy-- it's the egg.

Of course, it is,

Because you can't just make a chicken.

You can't just have chicken.

You can't go, "chicken".

You need to start with an egg,

And it starts this tiny, and a chicken grows.

Now, a lot of people try to be, you know, wiseguys,

And they go, "well, okay,

So then where did the egg come from?"

Uh, it came out of a chicken, you idiot.

It came out of a chicken's ass.

How are you?

You here with louie?

Mm-hmm.

You don't speak english, right? No english?

Hm? No english?

No english, no, no.

Right.

So... My cock is seven feet long,

And it stinks.

(laughs)

(speaking hungarian)

(louie) now, I don't know if you understand the logistics

Of a hay bale in new york city.

Somebody went and got a hay bale...

(up-tempo jazz)

Nick, are you gonna order something?

Yeah, I'll have the fried reindeer feet.

(sighs) we don't have reindeer feet.

Okay, then I'll just have the sherbert.

Hey, you got it figured out, louie.

I mean, she seems really cool, and she's cute.

She is-- she's growing on me.

(todd) aids.

So she's leaving for good in a week?

Yeah, she's gonna be going-- that's it.

Then, you're gonna be lonely.

More or less, yeah, that's the thing.

You guys have never said a word to each other,

And you're having a great time.

And then, she'll leave,

And you'll be depressed and lonely. Uh-huh.

You know how much shit you're skipping in-between there?

Getting to know her?

Getting sick of her?

Not being able to leave her

Because you have low self-esteem.

Realizing that she's sick of you.

Trying to fix it by getting married.

Trying to fix the marriage by having kids.

Culling together a few radio spots

So you have an excuse to come into new york

Just to get away from her and the kids.

Ah, we're talking about you now.

You're afraid of being lonely.

You know how much I dream of being lonely?

I love my wife, love my kids,

But, holy shit, lonely sounds like paradise to me.

Aids.

Please-- have your fun now.

Feel bad later.

I mean, it's a zero-sum game.

Aids.

I know what you mean-- I mean,

I only get the kids half the week,

And I still-- I wanna be alone all the time.

It's just too much.

Aids.

My youngest is having trouble in school now too.

(singing to "smoke on the water" melody)

aids, aids, aids

aids, aids, aids, aids

aids, aids, aids, aids, aids

aids, aids, aids, aids--

Todd!

Jesus christ, todd.

Aids.

Aids?

Stop talking about your boring-ass lives

And your dumb kids.

Todd, how old are you?

49.

(both laugh)

Todd, you're a 49-year-old single comedian.

Can I ask you a question?

Mm?

What do you do all day?

That's a great question.

Oh, when I'm not tag-teaming both of your moms?

Yeah, when you're not doing that.

No, I wanna know because louie and I have kids.

We're raising children.

What do you do?

What-- what is your day?

Walk me through any day.

All right, how about yesterday?

Sure. Yesterday was great.

Okay, what time did you get up?

10:00, 10:30?

Okay, 10:00-- take me through all of it.

Woke up, uh, hung out in bed a little bit.

Got the ipad out.

(lounge music)

Catch up on a little facebooking,

A little twitter, and, uh...

Boom, time for breakfast.

What's for breakfast?

Every day, I go to the diner downstairs from me.

I have toast, well-done bacon,

Coffee, juice.

But if this one waitress is working,

I also get a free donut.

(greg) really? Yeah.

Started a couple years ago when she said...

Hey, you're in here, like, every day.

Do you want a donut?

Boom, free donut every time she's there.

(greg) nice.

Okay, what next?

Then, I went to the doctor.

Why? What do you got?

It was just sniffles, or allergies, or something,

But I-- I don't wanna deal with that.

So I go to a clinic.

A clinic?

Yeah-- urgent care, baby.

Storefront, open late, 40-minute wait.

Brought my ipad.

Using the wi-fi from the coffee shop next door.

No need to dip into my data plan.

(woman) todd barry?

Boom, it's my turn.

Todd barry is next.

What happened next?

Lunch. Where?

Oh, this was sweet.

I reach into my wallet

To get out my setagaya ramen punch card.

I count the punches-- ten.

You know what that means?

I qualify for a free bowl of ramen--

Pork or beef.

(nick) what'd you do after lunch?

I had to work off the pork.

Went to the gym.

You belong to a gym?

I belong to gyms.

Gyms.

You mean plural?

I have all-access to every synergy gym below 14th street.

Sounds expensive.

Not when you cash in 290,000

American express points, it isn't.

So you went to the gym.

Go to the gym, get on the treadmill for ten minutes.

Then, I get on the bike for ten minutes.

Went home, took a well-deserved nap.

Then, I woke up.

Then, I had to race off to my gig in poughkeepsie.

You had a gig?

Yeah, poughkeepsie, booked myself seven months ago.

Did a great deal-- 80% of the door, $10 ticket.

I get 80%, he gets 20%.

So then, I have to get to the gig.

Do you know how much a train to poughkeepsie costs?

$40. Exactly.

Do you know how much a greyhound bus to poughkeepsie costs?

$20.

Do you know how much a chinatown bus

That goes to croton-harmon,

Which is just 20 minutes outside of poughkeepsie, is?

8.50.

I sell one ticket, I cover most of that.

So I took the bus to croton-harmon.

I get there, I call the owner, and I say,

"hey, can you come pick me up?"

Croton?

He says something about,

"oh, that's a huge pain in the butt,

And also, we never talked about this before."

I go, "yeah, you're right, we never did talk about it.

"but if you want me to do the show,

I need to get to the club."

Boom, I get the ride.

(exhales)

So I get to the club...

(woman) can I get three miller lites, two long islands...

I take a peek at the crowd.

I ask the waitress for a coke.

Coke, please?

She gives me a coke for free.

Ah, coke.

I walk towards the dressing room...

And I see a piece of paper on the dressing room door.

And you know what it says?

It says "todd berry"...

With an "e",

Not todd barry with an "a",

Which is how I spell my name.

They spelled it wrong.

Now, I could've let that go.

I mean, it's just a dressing room sign, right?

Everyone makes mistakes, right?

I go to the owner.

I say, "hey, I don't mean to be a dick,

But my name is todd barry with an "a".

My dressing room sign says "todd berry" with an "e".

And he gives me a look, like, "so?"

And I go, "I know it's kind of a pain in the ass,

"but I don't ask for much.

"and yes, I know it's an easy mistake to make,

"but it's also an easy mistake to fix,

And it's very important to me."

So I said, "all you gotta do

"is take the sign down,

"put it in a responsible place for refuse,

"walk over to the computer,

"log onto microsoft word, or apple text,

"whatever you want,

"type in todd barry with an "a",

"take one sheet of paper,

"run it through the printer,

Grab some tape, and I get my identify back."

What'd he say?

Oh, it's not what he said.

It's what he did.

Boom, new sign with my name spelled correctly.

(cheers and applause)

(whistling)

(sighs)

(whistling)

Hey.

Hey.

Evanka-- evanka?

Hey... Evanka.

Evanka.

Evanka-- oh, shit.

Oh, shit.

Uh, evanka?

Evan-- oh, shit.

Uh...

Uh-- aw, shit.

Come here, come here, come on.

Evanka!

God damn it.

Oh, god damn it-- come on, come on!

(groans)

God damn it.

Oh...

(grunting)

Okay, okay.

Okay, you're okay-- you're okay.

Okay-- all right, okay.

(rings doorbell)

Come on, come on, come on.

Evanka!

Shit.

(dr. Bigelow) what-- what? What is it?

You need to help me.

What-- you can't just come barging in.

This is my home as well as my office.

What are you doing? This lady needs your help.

This woman needs your help.

Well-- I have boundaries!

What if she's dead?

Then, you won't have any problems.

This isn't 9-1-1-- call 9-1-1.

Come on! Please, look! Oh, geez.

Oh. She was lying on the floor of the elevator.

All right, all right.

She's a nice-- she's unconscious.

Get around the other side.

Move her against the wall.

Move her-- move her forward against the wall.

Now, now, p-- p-- pat her back.

Hit her on the back, hit her on the back,

Hit her on the back.

(evanka coughing)

Ah! Ah. (coughing)

Sweetie, sweetie, you've got to chew these mentos.

They're perfect plugs for the esophagus.

You've got to chew them, sweetie.

You'll be all right.

Help her up-- help her up.

Here you go-- help her up.

Oh, I'm so sorry-- I'm so sorry.

It's all right, you're gonna be fine.

I'm very embarrassed.

What happened?

I found you on the floor of the elevator,

And I brought you to the doctor.

That damn elevator-- I'm gonna die there one day.

You know, it's a-- interesting statistics.

Only two people per decade die in elevators.

Is that right?

That's considered a very clean

And sterile environment, yes.

Well, this one is a-- is an evil box of death.

I'd rather be back riding in the caboose

Of jackie gleason's train.

You knew gleason?

Oh, knew him?

He and-- well, never mind.

Please don't make me tell you.

No, no, tell-- it sounds great.

You come see me--

You come see me if you have any problems.

You're gonna be just fine-- you're gonna be just fine.

Oh, thank you very much, doctor.

Thank you. Yes, yes, surely, yes.

Thank you. Yes.

Oh. You all right?

Yeah.

What-- what was I doing?

Was I coming, or-- you were just laying on the floor.

No, but before-- was I going out, or was I coming home?

I don't know-- I wasn't there for that part.

Look, maybe just-- let me take you back upstairs, all right?

I'll help you. That's probably a good idea.

Right? Thank you.

Oh, you know what?

What-- you don't wanna take the elevator, right?

No, I don't wanna take that elevator.

Come on-- you all right? Oh, yeah.

You like mentos?

I have no more mentos. No? Okay.

You're a good guy, you know that?

Ah, I'm all right.

Yeah, yeah-- you saved my life.

Nah, what are you-- you don't-- ah.

You know what they say? What do they say?

(evanka speaks indistinctly)

Okay.

You all right now? Yeah, thank you so much.

Okay, be-- you know.

I'm gonna take a nap.

Well, be-- do it carefully, okay?

Don't, uh...

Um... You and, uh, amia,

You've never...

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah?

Well, do you-- I mean...

What I want to ask is-- is it serious?

Uh...

You mean, the--

Okay, I-- I-- I--- I feel like--

No, no, no.

Is it serious?

Oh, I don't--

I don't know if we should--

All right, I'll take that as a no.

Okay, just checking.

Well, no, it's-- no, I just wanted to know-- that's all right.

I-- no, it's serious to me.

I...

No, look.

This is serious.

The other thing-- "I love you so much,

You're so beautiful"-- no.

That's nice, but... No.

All right.

You know, in hungary, we have a saying.

"if you didn't screw the cow, she's not your cow."

I'm not sure that's how that goes.

That's...

You're a nice boy.

You know, you stay just as you are, yeah?

You saved my life two times,

So you stay just as you are.

Okay. Okay.

Bye-bye.

Oh, this new lock, I don't even know how it works.

What's the matter with that-- okay.

(piano music)

(woman 1) no, we are not going to-- I am so sick of that place.

(woman 2) oh, my god, shut up-- you don't even know about it.

Yes, I do, I've been five times in the last week...

(mockingly) oh, wow, all right-- okay, what?

Shut up.

(chuckling)

Hey, come on.

Come on in.

Come in. Bye.

Bye.

Bye, bye.

No bye-- come on in.

Hello. Yes, bye.

No, hello.

No, hello.

Yes, no-- yes, hello.

No, bye.

No-- come on.

No bye.

No bye-- come on.

Better bye.

Better bye?

Look, um...

Bye.

(both chuckle)

Bye. Good-bye.

(laughs)

Bye. Bye, bye.

(panting)

(moans and pants)

Bye. Bye.

(both laugh) bye.

Bye.

Bye.

(panting)

(both panting)

(moans)

(panting and moaning)

(door hitting wall)

Hi.

What's wrong?

Hey.

What's... Wrong?

(laughs)

(speaking hungarian)

(sighs)

(speaking hungarian)

No good.

Mm...

I don't-- I don't know.

I don't know what you're saying.

I'm sorry.

Hm?

I'm sorry.

I...

I...

It's okay-- it's okay.

No, no. It's okay.

I-- I-- I...

It's okay. I-- I...

It's okay.

(speaking hungarian)

I--

Amia.

(speaking hungarian)

Shh.

(speaking hungarian)

I...

Don't know what you're saying.

Shit.

(sighs)

A small bird died today due to sadness.

He was six years old.

(down-tempo jazz)

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