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1
00:00:04,143 --> 00:00:05,711
(Louie) Um...
2
00:00:05,778 --> 00:00:08,914
I've been
doing comedy now for...
3
00:00:08,982 --> 00:00:11,249
uh, well, I started when
I was 18
4
00:00:11,317 --> 00:00:12,918
and now I'm 31...
5
00:00:12,986 --> 00:00:16,788
so, I think that's, that's
about-- No.
6
00:00:16,856 --> 00:00:19,858
I'm 46-- I just
turned 46 and I didn't--
7
00:00:19,926 --> 00:00:22,127
I thought last year I was 44.
8
00:00:22,195 --> 00:00:24,062
That's how dumb I am.
9
00:00:24,130 --> 00:00:27,532
I totally was walking
around going, "Yeah, I'm 44."
10
00:00:27,600 --> 00:00:28,967
And then on my birthday,
somebody said,
11
00:00:29,035 --> 00:00:29,868
"How old are you today?"
12
00:00:29,936 --> 00:00:31,503
And I said, "I'm 45."
13
00:00:31,571 --> 00:00:34,339
And my friend who knows me goes,
"No you're not.
14
00:00:34,407 --> 00:00:36,408
You were
45 all year-- You're 46 now."
15
00:00:36,476 --> 00:00:39,878
And I was like-- Like I aged two
years in like a minute.
16
00:00:39,946 --> 00:00:41,813
Like, "Oh...
17
00:00:41,881 --> 00:00:42,681
Ahh!"
18
00:00:44,283 --> 00:00:49,855
(truck motor rumbling)
19
00:00:50,990 --> 00:00:58,797
Sync & corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com
20
00:00:58,865 --> 00:01:05,470
(indistinct conversation)
21
00:01:05,538 --> 00:01:06,304
Hey...
22
00:01:06,372 --> 00:01:09,341
Listen--
23
00:01:09,409 --> 00:01:11,777
(indistinct conversation)
24
00:01:15,882 --> 00:01:21,353
(metal crashing)
25
00:01:21,421 --> 00:01:24,556
(indistinct conversation)
26
00:01:27,927 --> 00:01:28,827
Hey!
27
00:01:29,962 --> 00:01:31,363
Hey, hey listen!
Right up!
28
00:01:32,932 --> 00:01:33,899
Heads up!
29
00:01:33,966 --> 00:01:35,327
(garbage man) Hey, let her go!
Hey!
30
00:01:35,368 --> 00:01:38,136
(crashing, metal banging)
31
00:01:39,739 --> 00:01:43,542
(hooting and hollering)
32
00:02:01,594 --> 00:02:03,061
We have an orangutan--
Come on!
33
00:02:06,132 --> 00:02:07,599
Oh!
34
00:02:13,072 --> 00:02:15,741
35
00:02:15,808 --> 00:02:18,610
(machine buzzing)
36
00:02:25,184 --> 00:02:26,885
Hey, what's up, comedian?
37
00:02:26,953 --> 00:02:28,520
Hey, Tony--
How's it going?
38
00:02:28,588 --> 00:02:30,956
Hey, I got a joke for you.
39
00:02:31,023 --> 00:02:32,157
It's not going to be
another racist--
40
00:02:32,225 --> 00:02:34,292
No, no, no--
This is about Pinocchio.
41
00:02:34,360 --> 00:02:35,527
I mean, you know Pinocchio,
right?
42
00:02:35,595 --> 00:02:36,795
Mm-hmm.
43
00:02:36,863 --> 00:02:38,997
So Pinocchio is going down
on this chick.
44
00:02:39,065 --> 00:02:40,499
Okay, I know--
No, no, no.
45
00:02:40,566 --> 00:02:43,635
So Pinocchio is like, going
down on his girlfriend, like,
46
00:02:43,703 --> 00:02:45,470
eating her pussy, you know?
I know this joke, Tony.
47
00:02:45,538 --> 00:02:47,606
I mean, Pinocchio is down
there eating pussy.
48
00:02:47,673 --> 00:02:50,242
I mean, he's down there
eating and licking it all up
49
00:02:50,309 --> 00:02:51,743
and she goes:
50
00:02:51,811 --> 00:02:55,480
"Oh yeah, oh yeah, eat that
pussy, Pinocchio!
51
00:02:55,548 --> 00:02:56,815
Come on, get it!"
52
00:02:56,883 --> 00:03:01,086
(laughing)
53
00:03:06,692 --> 00:03:07,932
I think you got the joke wrong.
54
00:03:07,994 --> 00:03:10,462
No, I don't.
55
00:03:10,530 --> 00:03:13,899
Yeah, she's supposed to say,
"Lie to me, lie to me."
56
00:03:13,966 --> 00:03:15,967
See, 'cause see--
57
00:03:16,035 --> 00:03:18,303
His nose grows
and it goes in her vagina.
58
00:03:18,371 --> 00:03:19,437
That's--
No, no, no, no.
59
00:03:19,505 --> 00:03:20,972
You ruined it--
That's not the joke.
60
00:03:21,040 --> 00:03:22,174
Yes it is because...
61
00:03:22,241 --> 00:03:24,843
when Pinocchio lies, his
nose gets bigger.
62
00:03:24,911 --> 00:03:26,244
It goes up...
63
00:03:26,312 --> 00:03:28,213
No, no, no--
It's Pinocchio.
64
00:03:28,281 --> 00:03:30,515
I mean, the joke is it's
Pinocchio, you see?
65
00:03:30,583 --> 00:03:32,384
Pinocchio, he's a puppet.
66
00:03:32,451 --> 00:03:33,812
He's going down
there eating pussy.
67
00:03:33,853 --> 00:03:35,887
I mean, it's hilarious!
68
00:03:35,955 --> 00:03:37,455
Why do you gotta clutter it up?
69
00:03:37,523 --> 00:03:40,058
I mean, aren't you a comedian?
70
00:03:40,126 --> 00:03:45,263
71
00:03:48,768 --> 00:03:50,001
Ugly cocksucker.
72
00:03:50,069 --> 00:03:56,741
73
00:03:56,809 --> 00:03:58,977
So you want
to go to a movie later?
74
00:03:59,045 --> 00:04:00,011
By yourself?
75
00:04:00,079 --> 00:04:02,280
(laughing)
76
00:04:05,284 --> 00:04:06,645
Do you want to go to
a movie later?
77
00:04:06,652 --> 00:04:09,087
I can't-- I gotta pick up
the kids at school.
78
00:04:09,155 --> 00:04:11,656
Don't sound very excited
about it.
79
00:04:11,724 --> 00:04:13,825
I'm not particularly
excited about it.
80
00:04:13,893 --> 00:04:15,927
It's just, you
know what, it's Tuesday.
81
00:04:15,995 --> 00:04:17,329
And Tuesdays are hard,
'cause that's like,
82
00:04:17,396 --> 00:04:19,898
the transition
day between from, like,
83
00:04:19,966 --> 00:04:22,234
show hours, you know,
nighttime work
84
00:04:22,301 --> 00:04:24,236
to, like, morning with the kids.
85
00:04:24,303 --> 00:04:25,403
Yeah.
86
00:04:25,471 --> 00:04:27,038
Get up early-- It's just
hard-- It's stressful.
87
00:04:27,106 --> 00:04:28,206
Yeah.
88
00:04:28,274 --> 00:04:30,108
Can I make a suggestion?
89
00:04:30,176 --> 00:04:31,076
Sure.
90
00:04:31,143 --> 00:04:32,777
Abandon your kids.
91
00:04:32,845 --> 00:04:35,080
Then you can sleep later.
92
00:04:35,147 --> 00:04:36,681
No, I can't do that.
93
00:04:36,749 --> 00:04:37,782
Why not?
94
00:04:37,850 --> 00:04:39,618
You're not their mom--
You're their dad.
95
00:04:39,685 --> 00:04:41,653
No one cares about dads.
96
00:04:41,721 --> 00:04:43,655
Dads don't matter, man.
97
00:04:43,723 --> 00:04:45,490
Is your dad not around?
98
00:04:45,558 --> 00:04:48,093
My dad-- He's great.
99
00:04:48,160 --> 00:04:50,362
He showed me
unconditional continuous love
100
00:04:50,429 --> 00:04:52,597
since the day I was born.
101
00:04:52,665 --> 00:04:54,666
I'd be nowhere without my dad.
102
00:04:54,734 --> 00:04:57,736
So why is it okay for me to
walk out on my kids?
103
00:04:57,803 --> 00:04:59,371
Because your kids suck.
104
00:04:59,438 --> 00:05:01,740
(laughing)
105
00:05:01,807 --> 00:05:05,744
And you suck at comedy.
106
00:05:05,811 --> 00:05:09,080
I hate your kids-- I've
met them-- I don't like them.
107
00:05:09,148 --> 00:05:10,615
I drew little pictures of
them when I saw them
108
00:05:10,683 --> 00:05:13,785
and I ripped the pictures up
right in front of their faces.
109
00:05:16,989 --> 00:05:19,190
110
00:05:19,258 --> 00:05:20,425
Daddy.
111
00:05:20,493 --> 00:05:21,927
What?
112
00:05:21,994 --> 00:05:23,428
My backpack is too heavy.
113
00:05:23,496 --> 00:05:25,163
Can you carry it for me please?
114
00:05:25,231 --> 00:05:26,965
No, I would never do
that to you.
115
00:05:27,033 --> 00:05:28,233
Do what?
116
00:05:28,301 --> 00:05:29,801
Take your burden away from you.
117
00:05:29,869 --> 00:05:31,670
Daddy, that's not taking,
that's helping.
118
00:05:31,737 --> 00:05:33,471
No, it's not because, see,
it would deprive you
119
00:05:33,539 --> 00:05:35,106
of your growth and development.
120
00:05:35,174 --> 00:05:37,409
Daddy, my back hurts.
121
00:05:37,476 --> 00:05:38,777
If I don't help
you and you struggle,
122
00:05:38,844 --> 00:05:39,945
then you get stronger.
123
00:05:40,012 --> 00:05:41,046
No.
124
00:05:41,113 --> 00:05:42,847
By doing more than you
believe you can do--
125
00:05:42,915 --> 00:05:44,249
That's not true.
126
00:05:44,317 --> 00:05:45,984
You put yourself in a moment
of doubt and pain--
127
00:05:46,052 --> 00:05:47,552
Just stop, just stop!
128
00:05:47,620 --> 00:05:49,621
Give it to me, give it to me.
129
00:05:49,689 --> 00:05:51,489
Here--
Thank you, Lily.
130
00:05:51,557 --> 00:05:52,791
Shut up, Jane.
131
00:05:59,498 --> 00:06:01,166
What are you making for dinner?
132
00:06:01,233 --> 00:06:02,968
Broccoli and pasta.
133
00:06:03,035 --> 00:06:04,402
Ew-- Yuck.
134
00:06:04,470 --> 00:06:08,907
Get away from me-- Get away--
get far away from me.
135
00:06:08,975 --> 00:06:09,975
"Yuck."
136
00:06:18,784 --> 00:06:19,751
Homework?
137
00:06:19,819 --> 00:06:21,152
Mm-hmm.
138
00:06:23,689 --> 00:06:25,357
"Dear AIDS"?
139
00:06:25,424 --> 00:06:27,158
We have to write a letter
to AIDS.
140
00:06:27,226 --> 00:06:30,528
As an assignment.
141
00:06:30,596 --> 00:06:32,063
Okay.
142
00:06:32,131 --> 00:06:34,065
I don't know
what to say to AIDS.
143
00:06:34,133 --> 00:06:35,934
Um...
144
00:06:36,002 --> 00:06:40,839
"Dear AIDS,
Please cut it out."
145
00:06:40,906 --> 00:06:45,844
Uh... "How's the weather
in AIDS Land?"
146
00:06:45,911 --> 00:06:49,681
It's not funny, Dad--
It's serious.
147
00:06:49,749 --> 00:06:51,182
Okay.
148
00:06:51,250 --> 00:06:53,418
It's very serious.
149
00:06:53,486 --> 00:06:55,553
Very serious.
150
00:06:55,621 --> 00:06:56,988
"Dear AIDS."
151
00:06:59,091 --> 00:07:00,859
Daddy, do the Beatles.
152
00:07:04,130 --> 00:07:05,930
Daddy, can I get my own bedroom?
153
00:07:05,998 --> 00:07:08,400
Not really, there's no more
rooms in this apartment.
154
00:07:08,467 --> 00:07:10,802
Can we move?
155
00:07:10,870 --> 00:07:13,471
(laughing) No.
156
00:07:13,539 --> 00:07:14,906
Goodnight.
(kissing) Goodnight.
157
00:07:18,711 --> 00:07:22,514
Do the Beatles!
158
00:07:22,581 --> 00:07:24,516
Daddy, are you going
out tonight?
159
00:07:24,583 --> 00:07:26,284
Yeah, but not till
you're sleeping.
160
00:07:26,352 --> 00:07:27,685
But who's going to stay with us?
161
00:07:27,753 --> 00:07:29,554
It doesn't
matter, you'll be asleep.
162
00:07:29,622 --> 00:07:31,423
Yeah, but who?
163
00:07:31,490 --> 00:07:32,657
Mrs. Frame.
164
00:07:32,725 --> 00:07:35,093
(kids) Ew!
Okay, don't do that.
165
00:07:35,161 --> 00:07:37,595
Daddy.
No...
166
00:07:37,663 --> 00:07:39,564
Goodnight.
167
00:07:39,632 --> 00:07:40,932
Daddy, please.
What?
168
00:07:41,000 --> 00:07:42,801
Do the Beatles.
No, goodnight.
169
00:07:42,868 --> 00:07:44,235
Daddy, do the Beatles--
Please!
170
00:07:44,303 --> 00:07:45,970
Daddy, please.
Come on.
171
00:07:46,038 --> 00:07:47,005
Please.
172
00:07:49,942 --> 00:07:51,576
(English accent)
Hello, I'm John.
173
00:07:51,644 --> 00:07:53,044
And I'm Paul.
174
00:07:53,112 --> 00:07:54,412
And I'm George.
175
00:07:54,480 --> 00:07:56,147
And I'm Ringo.
176
00:07:56,215 --> 00:07:57,515
(giggling)
177
00:07:57,583 --> 00:07:58,716
All right, goodnight.
178
00:07:58,784 --> 00:07:59,884
Good night.
179
00:07:59,952 --> 00:08:00,885
Goodnight, Daddy.
180
00:08:05,691 --> 00:08:07,425
I'll be back
in just a couple hours.
181
00:08:07,493 --> 00:08:09,894
Okay, that's fine.
182
00:08:09,962 --> 00:08:11,262
Uh, thanks
for helping out again.
183
00:08:11,330 --> 00:08:12,797
I appreciate it.
Okay, that's fine.
184
00:08:16,135 --> 00:08:17,368
But life is short.
185
00:08:17,436 --> 00:08:19,938
A lot of people are fond
of saying that.
186
00:08:20,005 --> 00:08:21,940
Life is short.
187
00:08:22,007 --> 00:08:23,208
And it is.
188
00:08:23,275 --> 00:08:26,845
Life is short if,
uh, you're a child who died.
189
00:08:26,912 --> 00:08:29,881
But it's...
190
00:08:29,949 --> 00:08:31,683
it's not.
191
00:08:31,750 --> 00:08:33,318
At 46 it's not short anymore.
192
00:08:33,385 --> 00:08:35,019
It's long, man-- Life is--
193
00:08:35,087 --> 00:08:37,055
It feels like it's taking
a long time
194
00:08:37,123 --> 00:08:39,524
to get through this shit.
195
00:08:39,592 --> 00:08:40,725
This is long.
196
00:08:40,793 --> 00:08:42,026
There are days that are long.
197
00:08:42,094 --> 00:08:43,128
You ever have a day where
you're like,
198
00:08:43,195 --> 00:08:45,330
"All right with this one--
199
00:08:45,397 --> 00:08:49,934
"Can we just-- On and on,
this one goes.
200
00:08:50,002 --> 00:08:52,504
"Can I go to bed yet?
201
00:08:52,571 --> 00:08:55,306
"It's four p.m.--
I'm going to bed.
202
00:08:55,374 --> 00:08:57,709
That's p.m."
203
00:08:57,776 --> 00:09:00,845
If it was socially acceptable to
go to bed at four p.m.
204
00:09:00,913 --> 00:09:03,353
and wake up at two p.m.,
I would totally do that.
205
00:09:05,885 --> 00:09:08,419
If it was socially acceptable to
have an electric wheelchair
206
00:09:08,487 --> 00:09:11,489
when there's
nothing wrong with you.
207
00:09:20,260 --> 00:09:21,813
Okay, I'll call.
208
00:09:21,987 --> 00:09:23,287
Oh, shit.
209
00:09:23,355 --> 00:09:24,622
What's the matter?
210
00:09:24,689 --> 00:09:26,890
I forgot to jack off today.
211
00:09:26,958 --> 00:09:28,058
You forgot?
212
00:09:28,126 --> 00:09:29,326
Yeah, I guess
it just slipped my mind.
213
00:09:29,394 --> 00:09:30,694
You need a personal assistant.
214
00:09:30,762 --> 00:09:32,930
You should tie
a string around your finger.
215
00:09:32,998 --> 00:09:34,999
How many times a day
you jack off?
216
00:09:35,066 --> 00:09:36,200
Maybe once.
217
00:09:36,267 --> 00:09:38,535
I'm old now--
It used to be seven.
218
00:09:38,603 --> 00:09:40,270
Used to be like, seven, exactly?
219
00:09:40,338 --> 00:09:41,639
Seven on the nose.
220
00:09:41,706 --> 00:09:43,641
On the no--
You jerk off on your nose?
221
00:09:43,708 --> 00:09:45,309
(laughing)
222
00:09:45,377 --> 00:09:46,944
Gym, tan, laundry.
223
00:09:47,012 --> 00:09:48,612
(Louie) What?
I don't know.
224
00:09:48,680 --> 00:09:49,613
(man) GTL.
225
00:09:49,681 --> 00:09:51,315
Who jacks off the most here?
226
00:09:51,383 --> 00:09:52,449
I'll volunteer.
227
00:09:52,517 --> 00:09:55,119
I'm good for between six
and eight a day
228
00:09:55,186 --> 00:09:57,121
depending on
what else I got going on.
229
00:09:57,188 --> 00:09:58,489
That sounds like a lot.
230
00:09:58,556 --> 00:09:59,790
Does to my neighbors.
231
00:09:59,858 --> 00:10:01,025
(chuckling) How about you?
232
00:10:01,092 --> 00:10:03,093
How many times do you do
whatever you guys do?
233
00:10:03,161 --> 00:10:04,862
(laughing)
234
00:10:04,929 --> 00:10:07,431
(Sarah) Maybe even up to like four or
five times if I'm home sick.
235
00:10:07,499 --> 00:10:08,766
Really.
Not homesick, but home.
236
00:10:08,833 --> 00:10:10,968
Not feeling well.
237
00:10:11,036 --> 00:10:12,269
And I'm always pressing it.
238
00:10:12,337 --> 00:10:15,506
If I'm home,
I'm like, pressing on it.
239
00:10:15,573 --> 00:10:16,674
If I'm home alone.
240
00:10:16,741 --> 00:10:17,775
What do you mean, pressing it?
241
00:10:17,842 --> 00:10:19,610
I don't know, I'm like,
pressing it.
242
00:10:19,678 --> 00:10:21,612
What is it, a Panini?
243
00:10:21,680 --> 00:10:22,913
(laughing)
244
00:10:22,981 --> 00:10:24,314
What kind of toys do you use?
245
00:10:24,382 --> 00:10:26,917
Why does everyone think
that girls need toys to get off?
246
00:10:26,985 --> 00:10:28,619
'Cause I need toys to get off.
247
00:10:28,687 --> 00:10:29,987
What, like a fire truck?
248
00:10:30,055 --> 00:10:31,689
Like a chess set?
249
00:10:31,756 --> 00:10:32,856
Frisbee?
250
00:10:32,924 --> 00:10:35,459
(all laughing)
251
00:10:35,527 --> 00:10:37,861
Your niece's Big Wheel?
252
00:10:37,929 --> 00:10:39,430
(laughing)
253
00:10:39,497 --> 00:10:40,597
(Jim) Can I explain?
254
00:10:40,665 --> 00:10:43,300
This is for real.
255
00:10:43,368 --> 00:10:45,035
He's all upset.
256
00:10:45,103 --> 00:10:47,037
"Come on, fellas, give me
a chance."
257
00:10:47,105 --> 00:10:48,338
Yeah, I mean,
you're asking me something,
258
00:10:48,406 --> 00:10:50,086
I'm trying to tell you
and all of a sudden.
259
00:10:50,108 --> 00:10:51,208
You use toys?
260
00:10:51,276 --> 00:10:53,010
Yeah-- I got a vibrator
and a dildo.
261
00:10:53,078 --> 00:10:55,679
A dildo?
Yeah, a dildo.
262
00:10:55,747 --> 00:10:57,214
How do you use them?
263
00:10:57,282 --> 00:10:58,615
It's no great mystery.
264
00:10:58,683 --> 00:10:59,717
Yeah, it is.
265
00:10:59,784 --> 00:11:01,051
No, it's not.
No, it really is.
266
00:11:01,119 --> 00:11:02,352
No, it's not.
267
00:11:02,420 --> 00:11:04,788
No-- I hold the vibrator
against the shaft
268
00:11:04,856 --> 00:11:08,392
and then I slowly
rotate it against the balls.
269
00:11:08,460 --> 00:11:10,661
I love the way he talks about
his dick in the third person.
270
00:11:10,729 --> 00:11:12,229
Third person!
271
00:11:12,297 --> 00:11:13,964
I start off with
a nice circular motion
272
00:11:14,032 --> 00:11:15,632
and then I pick up speed.
273
00:11:15,700 --> 00:11:17,401
And then kablowy.
274
00:11:17,469 --> 00:11:18,502
(laughing)
275
00:11:18,570 --> 00:11:20,804
Kablowy--
You come like Batman?
276
00:11:20,872 --> 00:11:22,439
(Louie) Very nice.
Yeah.
277
00:11:22,507 --> 00:11:24,908
Yeah, a little sign shoots
out of my dick.
278
00:11:24,976 --> 00:11:26,376
Right into Robin's mouth.
279
00:11:26,444 --> 00:11:29,279
(laughing)
280
00:11:29,347 --> 00:11:32,649
You need to tell us, where
does the dildo go?
281
00:11:32,717 --> 00:11:34,284
Oh, it stays in the drawer.
282
00:11:34,352 --> 00:11:40,357
But that's--
my question is how.
283
00:11:40,425 --> 00:11:43,227
(laughing)
284
00:11:43,294 --> 00:11:45,896
No, it's just knowing that
I have a dildo in the drawer.
285
00:11:45,964 --> 00:11:47,397
It makes me feel bad.
286
00:11:47,465 --> 00:11:48,699
And that helps me come.
287
00:11:48,767 --> 00:11:50,901
(laughing)
288
00:11:50,969 --> 00:11:52,269
Jesus.
289
00:11:52,337 --> 00:11:56,106
Oh my God, Jim,
I love you so much.
290
00:11:56,174 --> 00:11:57,708
All right, all right--
We need a ruling on this.
291
00:11:57,776 --> 00:11:59,376
Is that gay?
292
00:11:59,444 --> 00:12:01,078
Well, as the Chief Justice of
the Supreme Court
293
00:12:01,146 --> 00:12:03,380
of Everything That's Gay,
294
00:12:03,448 --> 00:12:04,782
that's pretty gay.
295
00:12:04,849 --> 00:12:05,783
It's not gay.
296
00:12:05,850 --> 00:12:06,984
Oh, it's pretty gay.
No it's not.
297
00:12:07,051 --> 00:12:08,385
Yeah.
That's the point.
298
00:12:08,453 --> 00:12:09,753
That's pretty gay.
299
00:12:09,821 --> 00:12:11,501
If I was gay, I'd just ram
that jolly dildo
300
00:12:11,523 --> 00:12:13,624
right up my stupid asshole.
301
00:12:13,691 --> 00:12:14,725
Thatta girl.
302
00:12:14,793 --> 00:12:16,293
It's because I'm straight
303
00:12:16,361 --> 00:12:20,197
and I know that I got this big
black dildo in my desk drawer--
304
00:12:20,265 --> 00:12:22,032
Oh, it's black.
305
00:12:22,100 --> 00:12:23,567
You have a desk?
306
00:12:23,635 --> 00:12:25,235
You see?
307
00:12:25,303 --> 00:12:26,436
It's long.
308
00:12:26,504 --> 00:12:27,604
It should say on the dildo
309
00:12:27,672 --> 00:12:30,641
"From the desk
of Jim Norton."
310
00:12:30,708 --> 00:12:32,242
I've never known a guy to
have a vibrator.
311
00:12:32,310 --> 00:12:33,610
How do you--
312
00:12:33,678 --> 00:12:35,312
A vibrator makes you come?
313
00:12:35,380 --> 00:12:38,448
Oh, it makes me come so good.
314
00:12:38,516 --> 00:12:41,652
That-- it's taken my orgasms
from threes to 10s.
315
00:12:41,719 --> 00:12:43,720
I don't even fantasize
about choking you anymore.
316
00:12:43,788 --> 00:12:45,889
(laughing)
317
00:12:45,957 --> 00:12:48,759
That little gizmo
has made my life good.
318
00:12:48,827 --> 00:12:49,893
Really-- It's that good?
319
00:12:49,961 --> 00:12:50,961
Oh.
320
00:12:51,029 --> 00:12:53,430
Asks the future purchaser
of a vibrator.
321
00:12:53,498 --> 00:12:54,665
You want to borrow mine, Lou?
322
00:12:54,732 --> 00:12:56,133
No, I'm not asking--
323
00:12:56,201 --> 00:12:59,636
"No, I'm not gonna go get a
vibrator immediately."
324
00:12:59,704 --> 00:13:01,738
Not pre-owned.
I'm just curious.
325
00:13:04,876 --> 00:13:05,943
Dude, did you see the other day,
326
00:13:06,010 --> 00:13:07,678
the guy who stole the panties?
327
00:13:07,745 --> 00:13:09,213
(woman) No, what happened?
328
00:13:09,280 --> 00:13:10,447
I just stopped him.
329
00:13:10,515 --> 00:13:12,616
I scared him, he dropped them
and he just ran out.
330
00:13:12,684 --> 00:13:14,218
(laughing)
331
00:13:14,285 --> 00:13:15,419
Always happens.
332
00:13:15,486 --> 00:13:16,753
Hilarious.
333
00:13:20,225 --> 00:13:22,759
Hi, can I help you find
something?
334
00:13:22,827 --> 00:13:25,596
Um...
335
00:13:25,663 --> 00:13:29,833
Just, uh...
some vibrators.
336
00:13:29,901 --> 00:13:31,401
Okay.
Some vibrators.
337
00:13:31,469 --> 00:13:33,203
If you have any.
It's no problem.
338
00:13:33,271 --> 00:13:34,872
We have some here.
339
00:13:34,939 --> 00:13:38,475
Is this for your girlfriend?
340
00:13:38,543 --> 00:13:40,611
This is for you?
341
00:13:40,678 --> 00:13:42,379
That's no problem.
342
00:13:42,447 --> 00:13:44,448
I can personally recommend
these.
343
00:13:44,515 --> 00:13:45,816
It's kind of-- Those
are silvery.
344
00:13:45,884 --> 00:13:47,150
I don't know
about the silvery thing.
345
00:13:47,218 --> 00:13:48,585
Okay.
346
00:13:48,653 --> 00:13:50,554
We have a few more colors here.
347
00:13:50,622 --> 00:13:53,056
I think we need to stop
ordering cock rings.
348
00:13:53,124 --> 00:13:54,391
Well, I'm not
ordering the cock rings.
349
00:13:54,459 --> 00:13:55,826
They're building up.
350
00:13:55,894 --> 00:13:57,394
I didn't have anything to do
with all those cock rings.
351
00:13:57,462 --> 00:13:59,229
We have a whole bunch.
352
00:13:59,297 --> 00:14:02,099
Better talk to Niecey.
353
00:14:02,166 --> 00:14:03,467
Was there anything else you
were interested in?
354
00:14:03,534 --> 00:14:06,970
Well, I don't know
about the penis-colored ones.
355
00:14:07,038 --> 00:14:08,005
Okay.
356
00:14:08,072 --> 00:14:09,206
Um, well--
357
00:14:09,274 --> 00:14:11,008
What about the--
Ahh!
358
00:14:11,075 --> 00:14:12,142
Sorry.
Are you okay?
359
00:14:12,210 --> 00:14:14,411
Ahh.
360
00:14:14,479 --> 00:14:15,639
I don't know what I just did.
361
00:14:15,680 --> 00:14:17,247
Ah.
362
00:14:17,315 --> 00:14:18,181
Do you need me to call someone?
363
00:14:18,249 --> 00:14:19,049
Ah.
364
00:14:19,117 --> 00:14:20,751
No, no, no.
365
00:14:20,818 --> 00:14:22,252
Do you want to sit down--
I can call an ambulance.
366
00:14:22,320 --> 00:14:23,387
No, no, no, thank
you, thank you very much.
367
00:14:23,454 --> 00:14:24,922
Ah.
368
00:14:24,989 --> 00:14:25,889
Okay.
Oh.
369
00:14:25,957 --> 00:14:34,031
370
00:14:43,107 --> 00:14:45,342
Yo, look at him sitting all
fat on the curb.
371
00:14:45,410 --> 00:14:46,843
Shit.
372
00:14:51,649 --> 00:14:53,550
Taxi.
373
00:14:53,618 --> 00:14:55,285
Taxi, taxi!
374
00:14:55,353 --> 00:14:56,887
Taxi, taxi, please.
375
00:14:59,290 --> 00:15:01,224
Are you okay-- Did you fall
down?
376
00:15:01,292 --> 00:15:02,960
No, no, I hurt my back.
377
00:15:03,027 --> 00:15:05,329
Should I, should I call
an ambulance?
378
00:15:05,396 --> 00:15:06,964
No, thank you very--
No, thank you.
379
00:15:07,031 --> 00:15:09,666
I'm just trying to get a taxi
and I can't get high enough.
380
00:15:09,734 --> 00:15:12,269
Taxi, Taxi!
Oh.
381
00:15:16,074 --> 00:15:20,410
382
00:15:20,478 --> 00:15:21,845
I didn't--
Oh.
383
00:15:25,483 --> 00:15:26,283
Oww!
384
00:15:27,352 --> 00:15:29,953
Oh...oh.
385
00:15:33,024 --> 00:15:34,424
Thank you very much.
Oh.
386
00:15:35,560 --> 00:15:40,630
387
00:16:09,000 --> 00:16:11,635
(door bell buzzing)
388
00:16:11,702 --> 00:16:12,903
(dog barking)
389
00:16:14,505 --> 00:16:16,606
(dog barking)
390
00:16:32,705 --> 00:16:33,572
Hello.
391
00:16:33,639 --> 00:16:35,674
Yes?
392
00:16:35,742 --> 00:16:38,443
Uh, I'm, uh, I live in
the building
393
00:16:38,511 --> 00:16:40,145
and I
have-- my doctor.
394
00:16:40,213 --> 00:16:41,980
I have a doctor, but he's dead.
395
00:16:42,048 --> 00:16:45,117
So, I guess I was just wondering
396
00:16:45,184 --> 00:16:48,520
if I could meet Dr. Bigelow
about maybe
397
00:16:48,588 --> 00:16:50,889
being his patient starting now
398
00:16:50,957 --> 00:16:52,524
because I have a back thing.
399
00:16:52,592 --> 00:16:56,161
Well, the doctor
is eating his lunch.
400
00:16:56,229 --> 00:16:58,196
But let me see.
401
00:16:58,264 --> 00:17:00,298
That's all right--
I'll just check with him.
402
00:17:00,366 --> 00:17:01,767
Thank you--
Thank you.
403
00:17:07,607 --> 00:17:09,407
He'll see you now--
Go right in.
404
00:17:09,475 --> 00:17:10,776
Thank you so much.
405
00:17:10,843 --> 00:17:11,810
Thank you very much.
406
00:17:48,815 --> 00:17:51,917
What can I do for you?
407
00:17:51,984 --> 00:17:54,152
Uh, well, I hurt my back
today really bad.
408
00:18:01,894 --> 00:18:02,794
Uh.
409
00:18:02,862 --> 00:18:04,496
Can you help me with my back?
410
00:18:04,564 --> 00:18:06,598
I mean...
411
00:18:06,666 --> 00:18:07,787
What's wrong with your back?
412
00:18:07,834 --> 00:18:10,435
It hurts.
413
00:18:10,503 --> 00:18:14,039
My professional diagnosis is
your back hurts.
414
00:18:14,106 --> 00:18:15,907
Well, what can I do about it?
415
00:18:19,045 --> 00:18:20,412
Nothing.
416
00:18:20,479 --> 00:18:21,680
Nothing?
417
00:18:21,747 --> 00:18:25,383
The problem is
you're using it wrong.
418
00:18:25,451 --> 00:18:30,455
The back isn't done
evolving yet.
419
00:18:30,523 --> 00:18:34,526
You see, the spine
is a row of vertebrae.
420
00:18:34,594 --> 00:18:37,395
It was designed to be
horizontal.
421
00:18:37,463 --> 00:18:41,967
Then people came
along and used it vertical.
422
00:18:42,034 --> 00:18:43,268
Wasn't meant for that.
423
00:18:43,336 --> 00:18:47,239
So the disks
get all floppy, swollen.
424
00:18:47,306 --> 00:18:49,641
Pop out left, pop out right.
425
00:18:49,709 --> 00:18:53,044
It'll take another.
426
00:18:53,112 --> 00:18:55,647
I'd say 20,000 years to get
straightened out.
427
00:18:55,715 --> 00:18:57,482
Till then,
it's going to keep hurting.
428
00:18:57,550 --> 00:18:58,884
So that's it?
429
00:18:58,951 --> 00:19:00,318
It's an engineering design
problem.
430
00:19:00,386 --> 00:19:02,721
It's a misallocation.
431
00:19:02,788 --> 00:19:05,991
We were given a clothesline
432
00:19:06,058 --> 00:19:10,228
and we're using it as
a flagpole.
433
00:19:10,296 --> 00:19:12,831
So what should I do?
434
00:19:12,899 --> 00:19:14,900
Use your back
as it was intended.
435
00:19:14,967 --> 00:19:19,537
Walk around on your hands
and feet.
436
00:19:19,605 --> 00:19:21,172
Or accept
the fact that your back
437
00:19:21,240 --> 00:19:22,874
is going to hurt sometimes.
438
00:19:22,942 --> 00:19:27,946
Be very grateful for
the moments that it doesn't.
439
00:19:28,014 --> 00:19:31,283
Every second spent without
back pain
440
00:19:31,350 --> 00:19:33,985
is a lucky second.
441
00:19:34,053 --> 00:19:35,754
String enough of those lucky
seconds together,
442
00:19:35,821 --> 00:19:37,856
you have a lucky minute.
443
00:19:42,929 --> 00:19:44,362
Okay.
444
00:19:44,430 --> 00:19:46,965
Come see me when you have
something fun
445
00:19:47,033 --> 00:19:49,301
like a blood disease.
446
00:19:49,368 --> 00:19:50,969
That's what I
went to school for.
447
00:19:56,175 --> 00:19:57,642
Okay, I think I got it.
448
00:19:57,710 --> 00:19:59,711
All right.
Thank you very much.
449
00:19:59,779 --> 00:20:01,646
Bad back, huh?
450
00:20:01,714 --> 00:20:03,848
Yeah--
I guess there's no cure.
451
00:20:03,916 --> 00:20:07,552
Want to know what I do?
452
00:20:07,620 --> 00:20:09,988
My back always hurts because
of this chair.
453
00:20:10,056 --> 00:20:12,190
This really works.
454
00:20:12,258 --> 00:20:13,925
(whirring)
455
00:20:13,993 --> 00:20:16,895
You just rub it all over
your upper back,
456
00:20:16,963 --> 00:20:19,564
lower,
457
00:20:19,632 --> 00:20:23,001
wherever you can reach.
458
00:20:23,069 --> 00:20:25,670
Mmm.
459
00:20:25,738 --> 00:20:27,072
Oh.
460
00:20:27,139 --> 00:20:30,275
(audience laughing)
461
00:20:30,343 --> 00:20:33,445
(Louie) Yeah, life is
long and then it's over.
462
00:20:33,512 --> 00:20:36,715
And, uh, a lot of people wonder
what happens after that.
463
00:20:36,782 --> 00:20:38,149
What happens after you die?
464
00:20:38,217 --> 00:20:40,352
It's a big question for
human beings.
465
00:20:40,419 --> 00:20:41,753
What happens after you die?
466
00:20:41,821 --> 00:20:44,222
Actually, lots of things happen
after you die,
467
00:20:44,290 --> 00:20:47,392
just none of them include you.
468
00:20:47,460 --> 00:20:52,297
'Cause... you're not in
anything anymore.
469
00:20:52,365 --> 00:20:53,365
But there's all kinds of shit.
470
00:20:53,432 --> 00:20:56,468
There's the Super Bowl
every year
471
00:20:56,535 --> 00:21:00,131
and there's
a dog catching a Frisbee.
472
00:21:01,870 --> 00:21:03,537
I just met somebody who's 31
and she was like,
473
00:21:03,605 --> 00:21:07,008
"I'm getting
old, I'm in my 30s."
474
00:21:07,075 --> 00:21:09,410
31 is not old.
475
00:21:09,478 --> 00:21:11,245
Maybe you think that when you
turn 31, but it's not.
476
00:21:11,313 --> 00:21:14,448
You don't know till
you're 46, which is what I am,
477
00:21:14,516 --> 00:21:17,351
how young 31 really is.
478
00:21:17,419 --> 00:21:20,755
31 is young enough
that you could murder somebody
479
00:21:20,822 --> 00:21:23,323
and get caught and still have
a pretty good life.
480
00:21:24,236 --> 00:21:35,076
Sync & corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com
481
00:21:35,126 --> 00:21:39,676
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