Original subtitles

Jax Von Hapsburg, fighter of evil, is here.

Fear me, bad guys, fear me... bad.

You're number one best bro', Max Van Pluto, is by your side.

We will rid the city of Santa Luego of its evildoers.

(Both grunt)

Josh and I are making a Jax Von Hapsburg movie because we're both in L.A.,

and frankly the public demanded it.

Okay, just a few hard-core fans...

Okay, we wanted it.

(In Spanish accent) Jax and Max!

(Dismissive laugh)

You will never defeat evil, super villain Lisa De Los Ray-Eyes!

Joey asked me to play Lisa De Los Ray-Eyes,

but I was super busy so I convinced him to hire mom.

(Spanish accent) I would have nailed that role.

Santa Luego belongs to me!

No one is safe from my powerful laser-eye blast!

Well, do your worst, Lisa De Los-Ray-Eyes.

Pew, pew!

Cut! Mom!

What was that?

Well, that was my menacing laser-eye blast.

Yeah, it was? 'Cause you looked more like a constipated chicken.

Oh.

Come at us with the burning hatred of a thousand suns.

A thousand suns, okay.

And action!

Pew pew! (Heavy breathing)

Cut.

Okay, so that was a chicken pirate.

Well, okay. What kind of chicken do you want?

No kind of chicken!

Josh: Okay, okay, let's... let's...

- Let's take a break. - Okay, yeah, you're right.

- What's for lunch? - Oh, I made chicken.

I can't work like this!

(Theme music playing)

Better in stereo

B... B... Better in stereo

- I'm up with the sunshine

- Let's go

- I lace up my high tops

- Oh no

Slam dunk, ready or not

Yeah, show me what you got

- I'm under the spotlight

- Holler

I dare you, come on and follow

You dance to your own beat

I'll sing the melody

When you say yea-ah-ah

I say no-oh-oh

When you say stop

All I want to do is go go go

You you, the other half of me me

The half I'll never be-e

The half that drives me crazy

You you, the better half of me me

The half I'll always need

But we both know

We're better in stereo

Great day of filming today, Joey.

Aww.

(Both groan)

Oh, look at the time.

How about we take our action-hero appetites to Quesadilla Joe's, huh?

Josh and I hang out on Wednesdays and Fridays

when Maddie has basketball practice.

Josh took the break-up hard,

so if they were to run into each other, it would be so awkward.

Maddie also has basketball practice on Mondays,

but that is when I make my artisanal soaps.

(Inhales deeply) Hmm, sandalwood, oh.

Okay, I'm home because practice was canceled.

(Door closes)

Josh?!

- Maddie! - Josh and Maddie!

The couple formerly known as Mosh.

Hey, I have not seen you since you moved to California.

Dude, what is up?

I'm filming Joey's movie. Didn't he tell you?

No. No, he did not.

Okay, well... (Uncomfortable chuckle)

this has been a super-special reunion,

but let's get out of here before things get awkward.

Why... why would things get awkward?

We were friends before we dated, and no reason we can't be friends now.

Yeah, totally. I mean, really the only thing

that's awkward here is that you two are wearing action pajamas.

- Ah, you totally burned us. - Yeah.

- Nice. - (Both laugh)

Really, you guys are cool?

Yes, totally!

Hey, Joey and I are heading to Quesadilla Joe's.

Do you want to come?

Well, we'll change out of our action pajamas.

Oh, no, it's totally fine. You guys can come in those.

(Both gasp) Really?

No, get upstairs and change.

Well, well, well, Parker, you're here after school.

So you're entering Mars Madness.

Good for you.

Too bad I'm gonna win.

Your confidence is amusing, but misplaced.

You're looking at the winner right here.

Mars Madness is a national competition

sponsored by a space exploration company whose goal is to colonize Mars.

(Sighs) Parker Rooney, King of Mars.

It's got a nice ring to it.

The winner gets to spend a year in a bio-dome

with the same conditions as Mars.

And if you do well, you could one day

be among the first humans to live on Mars.

Val Wishart, Queen of Mars.

Got a nice ring to it.

Check it out. I'm creating a plant that can survive on a Mars colony.

I took the genes of a nutrient-dense avocado

and spliced them with the genes of a cactus

for its ability to thrive with little water.

I call it the Cacti-cado!

Well, I made a serum with the DNA of a Venus flytrap

It'll make plants so aggressive they'll fight to survive anywhere!

It's kind of cool, but does it have a catchy name like Cacti-cado?

I call it the Apex Predator Agricultural Death Swarm!

But you're right, Cacti-cado is super cute.

Why did I underestimate Val?

She draws me in with that smile, then slams me down with that brain!

Oh, was I smiling?

I didn't notice.

My Cacti-cado needs to spend a weekend

at the same temperature as the Mars bio-dome, exactly 24 degrees Celsius.

Well, my serum needs to be at 22 degrees Celsius.

Well, since your project needs all the breaks it can get

to catch up to my genius, 22 degrees it is.

May the best brain win.

(Coughing) It's me.

- Val: Parker? - Coming.

(Maddie and Josh cheer)

Nice work.

Glad you came out with us, Maddie.

Yeah, dude, me too.

This has been a blast.

Who says you can't be friends with your ex?

Probably the same doubters who say you can't build a pyramid out of nachos.

Okay, I didn't say we couldn't do it!

I said I didn't want to do it.

Maddie: Hey, guys, check it out.

(Barks like walrus)

(Laughing) Churro walrus!

Funniest thing ever!

(Both laughing)

Last week, I made a taquito triceratops

and Josh said that was the funniest thing ever!

Well, which is it, Josh?!

I'm getting more churros.

- Whoo! - Whoo!

You're the best, Joshie! (Laughing)

Stop trying to out-bro' me!

What? Out-what you?

Just stop stealing my friend.

Joey, there's no reason that we both can't be friends with Josh.

Best idea ever churro porcupine.

Help me stick these to my back.

(Phone beeps)

(Gasps) No way, you guys!

Willow scored VIP tickets to this Wednesday's Dodger game.

Are you in?

Ah, no.

No, we're shooting "Jax and Max" on Wednesday.

- Oh. - Aw, come on, Joey.

Can't we just shoot the scene some other time?

Sure, Josh.

We'll just reschedule the most important scene in the entire film.

(Laughs) Awesome! Thanks, Joey!

- Yeah! - (Josh laughs)

Hey, check it out. Wait, hold on.

Churro-stache.

Ah! That's the funniest thing ever!

(Maddie and Josh laugh)

(Hysterical laughs)

(Angry laughing)

Oh, hey, Liv, uh, I've got an emotional emergency.

To get my best bro' back, I needed Liv's help, so I was baiting the hook,

which I'm told people who aren't afraid of worms do for fishing.

Okay, well, um, Maddie and Josh ran into each other

for the first time since the break up.

Oh no!

Uh, that must have been so awkward.

It was.

Maddie feels compelled to keep hanging out with him

to prove that it's not awkward.

- Yeah. - Uh, she's in so much pain, Liv.

Oh, well... uh, you're her twin.

So I'm sure you feel that pain already.

Joey, of course I feel it.

I mean, I really... I did think that it was last night's pizza,

but it's clearly Maddie's pain.

I just wish Maddie could find the strength to tell Josh how she feels,

but it's not gonna happen unle...

No, no, no, no. It's too much to ask.

Forget it.

No, no, no, wait, wait. What's too much to ask?

Well... (Chuckles)

Maddie, uh... Maddie's afraid to say what she needs to say,

but I figured you could pretend to be Maddie and say it for her.

Whoa, um... I mean, Joey, doing a switch-a-rooney

without telling the other twin is against the twin code.

There's a twin code?

I've said too much.

Well, is there any part of the twin code

that allows you to break it if your other twin really, really needs it?

- There isn't... - Okay.

But there should be.

- Yay. - Yay.

I'm gonna do a switch-a-rooney

- for Maddie! - Definitely for Maddie!

Well, well, well.

Look who's here on a Saturday to check on his Mars Madness project

because he's nervous I'm going to beat him.

Oh, it is I who will be doing the well, well, well-ing...

because you're nervous I'm gonna beat you and end up in the Mars bio-dome.

(Scoffs) Only if I bring a photo of you with me.

Not that I would do that.

Okay, so it's agreed.

Neither one of us is nervous about our projects.

- But we're still gonna check, right? - Uh, cha.

(Screeches)

(Screams)

What happened to my Cacti-cado?

And why is it so hot in here?

Forty-two degrees Celsius?

- How did that happen? - (Parker groans)

I must have punched in 42 instead of 24.

You want to fly a spaceship to Mars, but you can't work a thermostat!

It's a very complicated thermostat!

Oh no, my growth serum evaporated.

And once it became airborne, it mixed with my Cacti-cado.

That's what made it ginormous.

- (Plant screeches) - (Screams)

This thing is out of control.

If it grows out of the lab, we'll lose containment.

I'm initiating emergency protocol!

(Alarm blares)

(Alarm continues)

Well, the good news is it's not getting out.

The bad news is neither are we!

We don't know what this thing is capable of.

We have to stop it.

It's gonna take all of our scientific ability.

It might be impossible.

You can say it.

No, it should be you.

You sure?

Okay, thanks.

Challenge accepted!

- (Screeches) - (Screams)

Joey, Liv told me that you asked her to do a switch-a-rooney without me?

What are you thinking?

Don't kick me!

(Liv's voice) Joey, it's me you big dummy!

- (Laughs) - (Sighs)

You forget that I'm an actress.

Okay, I am so ready for this, I even bought some fake glasses at the mall.

Okay, so I told Josh that Maddie wanted to meet up for nachos.

Right, but really I'm going to tell him

that things are awkward and I need some space.

Hm-hmm, yeah, I wrote a script for you to follow.

Oh, okay, Joey, I don't think I really need a script.

Okay, trust me.

That script is chock full of bro'-friendly super-hero lingo

to let Josh down easy.

Nothing handles emotional turmoil quite like comic books.

Okay, well, I really hope it's not over-written

because my throat has been killing me and Maddie's bam-what's are not easy.

Just say sing it louder ...

(Vocalizes)

forty-seven less times a day and your throat should be fine.

Hey, guys, sorry I'm late.

Who's ready for more churro walrus? Whoo!

(Chuckling)

(Maddie's voice) Um, s'up, dude? So we need to talk.

Okay, what's going on?

(Clears throat) Before you answer that, Maddie,

I would take a look at your menu.

I'm sure you don't have the whole thing memorized quite yet.

Um, yeah, it's... it's... you know, the world needs you...

Josh, um, and the, uh, needs of the many

- they outweigh the needs of the few. - (Joey silent)

Well, that's a classic super-hero axiom, but I'm not sure how it applies here.

Uh, it's been really cool hanging out with you again,

but I just can't do it any more.

You know, you belong to the day...

and I belong to the night.

And you cannot come to the Dodger game, uh, because...

it is at night.

How dare you!

You toy with this young boy's emotions again?

After he has been nothing... nothing but a gentleman to you.

Yeah, s... (Sighs)

Sorry, but unlike Joey, I'm an awful...

horrible person.

I will go, and let you two bros be bros.

- (Clears throat) - Oh, uh...

but first let me pre-pay the check.

Oh, well, Maddie, it's the least you could do.

The waiter's right over there.

Okay.

- Hey, Josh. - Maddie?

Maddie! No!

Why are you both so surprised to see me?

Josh just texted me and said that we were meeting for nachos.

All right, you guys, I paid the che...

(Nervous giggle)

Liv?

Okay, now I'm really confused.

What's going on?

She told me that she didn't want to hang out with me any more,

but she was being you, so it was like you were telling me,

but you weren't because you're you, not her.

Did that clear it up?

Maddie, I'm so sorry.

I know that it's wrong to pretend to be you,

but Joey said that you were hurting

because of all the awkwardness between you and Josh.

Both: What awkwardness?

I think we can all agree things are very awkward at this moment.

(Awkward chuckle)

It's ready.

I call it Dr. P's Tubes of Terror!

Add the concentrated weed killer.

All filled up with Val Venum!

What? You're not the only one who can name things.

Okay, so if we can get the plant to eat the Tubes of Terror,

it will release the Val Venum and Boom!

The Cacti-cado will be cacti-dead-o.

"Cacti-dead-o"?

They can't all be winners, okay?

Just know that by killing this we also kill any chance we have

of winning Mars Madness.

I know.

Which direction the toilet flushes on the red planet.

So how do we get that in the plant's mouth?

Watch and learn.

And now we throw it into the Cacti-cado's mouth?

Throw it? Please!

Okay, now you're just trying to impress me.

Am I? And are you?

(Slow motion screeches)

Goal!

(Grumbling)

(Burps)

Both: We did it! We did it!

You know, when our projects combined, it was pretty impressive.

Maybe we should work together on a new project.

If we work the rest of the weekend,

I'm sure we can come up with something great.

We make a good team.

Team Pal.

'Cause if you combine Parker and Val...

No, no, I get it. It's just super dumb.

Joey, why did you do this?

Okay, look.

Guys, making friends is kinda hard for me...

but with Josh, it was easy.

I mean, whether... whether we're laughing about something stupid

or sharing our love for super heroes,

or I'm watching him change my flat bike tire...

(Giggles, snorts)

(Laughing) You don't know how to change a bike tire?

Maddie, let's just... Let's let him get through this.

Josh, once Maddie started hanging out with us,

it kind of felt like you'd rather just hang out with her.

Having you as my bro' means a lot to me...

'cause, Josh, you're the best friend that I've ever had.

(Coos)

Joey, sometimes the needs of the one outweigh the needs of the Maddie.

Did you just read my script or my mind?

Maddie, it's been really fun hanging with you again,

but I can't go to the game.

Okay, um, so that is Maddie.

And I am Liv.

Dang, this is confusing.

(Clears throat)

- Maddie, I... - You are not going to the game.

Right, oh, right.

- Yeah, I heard you. - Yeah, you heard that.

- (Chuckles) - Uh, sorry, but...

me and my best bro' have a movie to shoot.

Yeah, I totally get it.

Go make the best, worst action movie that anyone has ever seen.

(Both groan)

Both:

A-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo

Aw, it's so cute.

- A-doo-doodoo-doo-doo...

- Stop.

Liv, an unauthorized, one-sided switch-a-rooney?

Oh, Maddie, I'm so sorry.

How could I make it up to you?

You're gonna go to the game with me.

(Gasps)

(Whines) Maddie, no!

Not sports-ball game going!

(Heroic music plays)

(Deep voice) Justice just tumbled in.

Jax, Max, attack!

Both: Oh, yeah!

Ha ha ha ha!

No one is safe from my powerful laser-eye blast!

We're trapped, Jax. What do we do?

Only thing we can do, Max:

we die like brothers.

(Raspy voice) Hey, Ray-Eyes.

(Gasps)

Your optometrist called and gave you a prescription for Falcon.

(Gasps)

Falcon?

I am no match for Falcon.

(Deep voice) Well, thanks for saving us, Falcon.

(Raspy voice) Santa Luego is safe.

So says...

Falcon.

(Falcon screeches)

Whoo! (Laughs)

Mrs. R, your ray eyes were awesome!

Oh, thank you. Gracias.

Wait, okay, Joey, you played two parts?

How is that even like possible?

Yeah, and also the voices were like entirely different.

Yeah, you know, everyone thinks it's so hard, but...

(As Falcon) it's actually not that hard.

- Pew pew! - Aagh!

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