Original subtitles

Synced and corrected by Katniss Everdeen. www.addic7ed.com

Oh! Extra-thick gym socks?

Thank you, Dad!

Okay, so somebody else open a present.

It's Christmas Eve and Momma's got a family newsletter to write

and a big meal to cook, so let's get this

wonderful family tradition over with.

And also, Merry Christmas.

It is a Rooney custom to open one gift on the morning of Christmas Eve.

Yeah.

When Joey was five, he whined and whined

and whined until Mom and Dad finally let him

open one present a day early. Hmph.

He also whined when he was six, seven, eight, and nine.

And by the time I was 13, a Christmas tradition was born.

I've got my own tradition.

I always get Mom a book of coupons she can redeem for cutesy things,

like smiles and hugs, none of which cost me a dime.

Christmas is a cow, and I milk it for all it's worth.

Christmas milk.

Feliz Navidad, mis amigos.

Here, Mommy! Open my present!

No! No, no, no, no, no!

I wanna go next!

I wanna see what my little bro gave me!

Momma! Momma, pleeeeease?

Okay, Whiney. I mean, Joey.

(Chuckles)

(Gasps)

A handmade Parker Coupon Book?!

Sickness!

That wasn't for Joey! That was for Mom!

I must've switched the boxes!

- No! Joey, you got the wrong gift. - Wait.

Okay, hold on. A foot massage...

a ten-second nose nuzzle...

"Parky's Hug-tacular Love-A-Thon"?

What?

You seriously gave these coupons to Joey?

Okay, there is no way Parker gave me a book

full of coupons for free snuggles on purpose.

But I am not passing up a Christmas with Parker as my personal play toy.

I will take the "One-Minute Hug of Joy," please.

Joey, I'm not doing any of those coupons for you.

It's a stupid, meaningless book.

Really, Parker?

Was it stupid and meaningless when you gave it to me

for the past eight years?

Well, uh, what had... what had happened was...

Then you will have no problem honoring those coupons.

And if not... no presents for you this Christmas.

- What? - (Gasps)

Parker: Fine.

One "Hug of Joy" coming up.

Father, will you time this?

I wanna get my full 60 seconds.

- And go. - (Timer beeps)

- Mm! - (Groans)

(Theme music playing)

Better in stereo

B-B-Better in stereo

- I'm up with the sunshine

- Let's go

- I lace up my high-tops

- Oh, no

Slam dunk, ready or not

Yeah, show me what you got

- I'm under the spotlight

- Holler

I dare you, come on and follow

You dance to your own beat

I'll sing the melody

When you say yea-ah-ah

I say no-oh-oh

When you say stop

All I want to do is go, go, go

You, you, the other half of me, me

The half I'll never be-e

The half that drives me crazy

You, you, the better half of me, me

The half I'll always need

But we both know

We're better in stereo

(Lightning cracks)

Well, that's never happened before.

(Beep)

Zaydock: We meet again, SkyVolt.

Zaydock!

What do you want?

It's not what I want, it's what I have...

your friend, Garrison.

If you want him back, meet me here.

- And cut! - (Ringing)

That's a wrap for the holidays.

That was fantastic, Liv.

Ah, nothing says Christmas like a glowing alien relic!

Pretty sure Christmas has never said that.

(Sighs) Doesn't say a lot of things, kid.

Never said I'd be spending Christmas Eve here in Stevens Point.

Oh, what? I thought you were flying back to LA to see your mom.

Ah, no flights until tomorrow, so what's left of the crew is stuck here...

(Chuckles)

away from friends and family.

No! Gemma, I'm so sorry.

(Sighs)

Liv Rooney, look at me.

Closer.

Gemma will be okay.

McCorky's 24-Hour Diner is open, and they sell

something called a Garbage Plate.

Nothing says Christmas like Dumpster Fries!

Christmas speaks way differently to you than everyone else.

Hey, why don't you guys all have dinner at my house?

Are you sure?

I come to eat.

Yeah. I mean, my mom always makes the most amazing Christmas Eve dinner,

and I would love to share it with my new Voltage family.

Thanks, Liv!

Nothing says Christmas like kindness and goodwill to others!

- Was that better? - Nailed it!

Ho, ho, hello, Stevens Point!

It's your ol' pal, Johnny Nimbus,

spreading Christmas cheer here at the Ridgewood Porcu-Present Giveaway!

Look who've I found!

Hey there, Santa! How you feelin'?

Christmas.

Ha! We are crushing this present wrapping, Maddie!

I can feel the Christmas spirit just oozing out of my eyeballs!

Um... so hey... before we hand out all these presents to the kids,

I got you something.

Oh!

(Stifles laugh)

What is this?

(Stifles laugh)

That is a lump of coal.

But that's what Santa gives kids on the naughty list.

I've been a good girl.

Why are you giving me this?!

(Chortles)

W... Willow, relax.

It's... it's just a joke.

- It's not your real present. - (Scoffs)

No.

Jokes make you laugh and feel like you have

an ice cream sandwich in your tummy.

This feels like a rotten, old shoe!

No.

I just like you so much that I felt comfortable giving you a gift

with an itty-bitty mean component to its overall hilarious makeup.

Oh. Oh.

Well, then let me show you how much I like you.

All right.

I bought you a piece of the court where we won the state championship.

- Aww... - (Mockingly) Aww...

Get it?

Hilarious!

(Sighs) Here.

Your coupon is honored.

One "This is How Much I Love You" bulletin board.

Karen: Oh...

I don't know how I'm gonna get everything done.

I haven't even started cooking Momma's famous Christmas Eve dinner yet.

Well...

I'd offer you my "Draw Me a Bath" coupon...

Oh.

But I kinda need it for myself.

(Chuckles)

Double bubble me, bro.

You don't have to use all the coupons in the same day, Munch.

You're supposed to spread them out!

Hey, I don't know if I'll be here tomorrow.

I could get hit by a bus.

Don't tease me.

Hey, Mom!

Oh, your hair looks amazing! Merry Christmas!

I invited Gemma and some of the Voltage crew

over for dinner tonight. Is that okay?

Did I mention your hair looks amazing?

Please, please, please. Thank you. I love you. Hair looks great.

Okay.

It's going to be tough, but there is always room

for more at Momma's famous Christmas Eve dinner.

So, now keep out of the kitchen.

Oh, and... and tell Joey to put out the fancy toilet paper.

We have guests now.

(Doorbell)

Hello, Artie.

Your lord of leaping is here.

What do you want?

Well, I made you a seasonal treat.

Minions, reveal.

An exact replica of our future home.

A gingerbread house from your ginger-haired suitor.

Minions, we ride!

There are stockings to be hung by the chimney with care

in hopes that Liv Rooney soon will be there.

All right, here are your presents, Coach Santa.

Watch out for lap tinklers.

Where were you an hour go?

Uh, hey, Willow, do you mind if you give me back that coal?

'Cause I really wanna... wanna give it to Liv.

Yeah, sure.

And after that, you can spit in her face and say "Merry Christmas."

Hilarious!

The coal was right here.

(Gasps)

You don't think we accidentally wrapped it, do you?

I hope not, or some kid is gonna think Santa's given them coal for Christmas!

(Gasps)

This is so bad. We gotta find it.

'Cause, I mean, anyone who gets a lump of coal

is just gonna burst into tears.

Do you even hear yourself?

(Phone rings)

(Beep)

North Pole, Liv Rooney speaking. (Chuckles)

No. Um, we did not order dinner from Wishnefsky's Deli.

Okay. Thank you. Happy holidays.

Watch out for reindeer! (Chuckles)

Who was on the phone, honey?

Um, Wishnefsky's Deli.

They thought we ordered dinner from them,

- but I told them we didn't need it. - (Chuckles)

Take-out from a deli on Christmas Eve?

Who would do such a thing?

What have you done?! Give me the phone!

What... what... Mom, Mom, Mom!

Why are you freaking out?

Why would we order dinner from a deli

when you're in the kitchen with a turkey in the oven

and gravy bubbling on the stove and...

(Gasps)

(Clatters)

Oh, Mother, no.

Mother...

where's the turkey?

Where's the bubbling gravy?

Why... why aren't you cooking?

What's going on? (Laughs nervously)

I hate to pull the curtain off your childhood innocence, but...

Momma's famous Christmas Eve dinner...

isn't real.

Oh, the deli is not answering!

The message says that they closed early for Christmas.

(Beep)

Yeah, well, they probably went home to make dinner for their families,

unlike you, you holiday hoodwinker!

Liv, I am sorry.

There are just so many things to do

this time of year, that I... I always order dinner

and pretend to cook when I'm actually wrapping presents

and... and writing the family newsletter.

Mom, but my crew is coming over for Momma's famous Christmas Eve dinner,

and we don't have any food and we don't have any time

and all the stores are closed.

I mean, what are we gonna do, Momma?

Oh.

Oh, if only there were someone who knew their way

around a kitchen who would do anything for you.

(Gasps)

- Artie! - No!

- Yes! - Wha...

Bah humbug!

- (Trumpets play) - Joy to the world

Artie has come

Let Liv receive her king!

Ho, ho, ho!

Merry Christmas!

All right.

So, the coal...

is in one of those presents.

(Willow sighs)

What do we do?

We're gonna do what any good elf would do.

We go out there and we take presents away from children!

We need your present! (Laughs nervously)

It's official elf business!

Oh, no coal.

Remote control car. Beat it.

Ho, ho, hold it right there!

All right, let's take a trip over to Santa's workshop, where the...

What in the name of Rudolph's rosy red nose is going on here?!

Are you stealing presents from children?!

Santa gave me coal! (Cries)

I didn't give anybody coal!

Maddie: No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, it wasn't... that wasn't...

Hi. That wasn't Santa, right?

Because, I mean, Santa would never do that!

That... it was... um... uh...

- It was me. - (Gasps)

You heard it here first!

Maddie Rooney has ruined Christmas!

I...

Minions, show me what you found in the Rooney cupboards.

Eight cans of yellow wax beans and a bag of oyster crackers?

For shame, Mrs. Rooney!

(Clicks)

Holiday newsletter. No time to listen.

Liv, when did they offer you Voltage?

Was it September or August?

And when did I buy that dead guy suit that turned Joey cool for a day?

So, Artie, do you think that you could pull off Christmas Eve dinner?

Well, this is a tall order and I'm a short man...

but there is one thing that would put a lift in my shoes...

a holiday card picture with you on my arm.

We can look back on it fondly years from now... when we're married.

Fine.

- She said yes! - No, no, no, no, no, no.

To the... to the one... the one photo. Not the... not the marriage.

Well, I have a holiday miracle to make.

Taylor Minion.

Go to my root cellar and get me everything we don't need for New Year's Eve.

Joel Minion.

Fetch me the finest turkey in Stevens Point.

Other one.

Nudge Liv a little closer.

Hark, the herald angels sing

Liv and Artie gonna do this thing!

(Doorbell)

Merry Christmas, Liv's brother!

Season's greetings, Liv's director!

(Both chuckle)

Oh, you guys are in for such a treat!

I just cashed in a coupon for "Parker's Christmas Candy Cane Cavalcade"!

I have no idea what you're taking about, but I am in.

Parker!

It's showtime.

(Jazz holiday music plays)

(Doorbell)

Oh. Huh.

Well, who could that be?

(Gasps)

What?!

I invited the girls from your class to come watch you dance whilst dressed

like a cute, little candy cane!

(Giggling)

Joey!

I am not dancing in front of Kristin Alvez!

Hey, Kristin.

Nothing under that tree is worth humiliating myself.

(Crying)

Hey, little girl... don't be sad.

But Santa gave me coal.

Um... you know what?

Actually, can I take a look at this?

Uh-huh... oh.

Wow.

Just as I suspected.

This is not actually coal.

This is the...

merry magic...

- Christmas rock! - (Gasps)

What's that?

(Chuckles) What's that?

Obviously, it means you win a prize.

Yeah.

The biggest prize of all!

A prize?

What prize?

Both: Um...

- It, uh, you... - Um...

you win a...

- um... - You, um...

Both: Santa?

Oh. Uh... uh... You get to do the weather with Johnny Nimbus!

Yay!

I'm gonna make it sunny all week!

(Chuckles) Go ahead, kid.

I make it up all the time.

Hello, Stevens Point!

This is your ol' pal, Raina, with the weather.

Hey, girls, can you hold down the throne for a minute?

Santa sees some cookies with his name on it.

Yeah. Hey, save some room

- for Momma's famous Christmas Eve dinner! - (Sighs)

Ah, dinner with family and friends.

That sounds a whole lot better than reheating a burrito

and acting surprised when you open a present you gave to yourself.

Well, Johnny, why don't you come to my house for dinner?

I mean, my mom always makes the most amazing meal.

You'd do that for me?

Yeah. I mean...

I mean, it's Christmas, right?

Oh, and Johnny, I got you a little somethin'.

Oh, you elves are gonna make me cry.

This is too much. Really, I... (Gasps)

(Giggles)

Coal?!

I'm already in an emotional state!

(Both laugh)

I get it now!

- It's hilarious! - Right?!

(Overlapping chatter)

Oh, you did it, Artie!

Dinner looks amazing.

I'll see you tomorrow for our holiday card photo shoot.

Artie, wait.

You really saved me today...

and I was wondering if you might want to join

me and my family for dinner tonight.

Thank you, Liv.

That means a lot.

I'd love to, but I'm not dressed for dinner.

And now I am!

Minions, leave us.

We'll do Christmas bonuses tomorrow with my family

while opening presents in our PJs.

(Sighs) Okay.

Smells great, kiddies.

Okay, now out of my way.

I swear, I have worked so hard.

(Chuckles)

Here comes Momma's famous Christmas Eve dinner!

Thanks for having us, Liv.

Can someone please pass the gravy?

Oh.

I like to start with that as a base and then pile the food on top.

Told you. I come to eat.

- The gravy is on its way-vy. - Oh.

Many thanks again for having me.

Haven't had this much fun on Christmas Eve

since I covered that torrential rainstorm in Fond du Lac.

I used to be a storm chaser.

Tell me everything.

Did you just ask Johnny Nimbus to talk about the weather?

'Cause it's 82 and sunny in Cancun, and we can be there by New Year's.

- Muy caliente. - Oh.

Weird.

Anyway...

I'm sorry I got so carried away with those coupons.

I told Mom to give you all your presents.

Thanks, but I get it.

I'm too old to still be giving coupon books as gifts.

Maybe, but I got you something to make it up to you.

A "Free Hugs from Joey for Life" coupon?

Thanks.

You wanna cash it in now?

I do.

Merry Christmas, Willow.

(Gasps)

Free Joey hugs for life?!

God bless us, everyone!

(Sighs dreamily)

Let's eat.

Liv and Artie: Deck the halls

With boughs of holly

Fa, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la

'Tis the season to be jolly

Fa, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la

Don we now our gay apparel

Fa, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la

Troll the ancient yuletide carol

Fa, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la

Pete: Christmas.

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