Original subtitles

FAT HEAD!

You hit me.

You gave me duff information!

You made me look like a politicaI pygmy! On Newsnight.

Your job, unless you weren't concentrating,

is to make me look like I know what l'm PlGGlNG WELL TALKlNG ABOUT!

You're out of order, Katherine. Look, I'm sorry, but good grief!

And you're sacked!

No wonder this party has been in opposition

for the last ten. . . million. . . light-years.

You can't sack me.

And frankly, I'd appreciate an apology.

Otherwise. . . Otherwise?

lf we're to maintain a mature, grown-up, working relationship, then. . .

Swivel!

You'll get used to her.

Will I...sir?

Must I?

Oh, I think, at some point

it will become necessary, yes.

Kate.

Katherine. John.

Last night, you were delightful.

Sod off. No, really.

Threatening to rip Paxman's balls off and airmaiI them to Zimbabwe.

lt was inspired. lt was beneath me.

You were angry.

I was inadequately informed.

These things happen.

Have you got a few minutes?

Wow

Who is that?

What planet do you live on?

What have you got in here? The kitchen sink?

Several.

Sorry, I'm. . . I'm busting.

Would you mind checking in while l, er. . .?

That boy. There.

The gorgeous one.

I want you to upgrade him and put him next to me on the flight.

Can you do that for me?

Will you stand for leadership?

I might do.

I think everyone would be surprised if you didn't.

You'd have my support.

Would I?

Just an observation.

Go on.

Whilst I've every faith in your talents and energy and commitment,

whilst the electorate often appreciates a certain. . .

..eccentricity in its leaders. . .

..to get the support you'd need within the party,

there may be the odd lifestyle issue it may be. . . pertinent to address.

Like what?

You know how stuffy they can be.

Like what?

Have you ever contemplated. . .

..marriage?

Who to?

Anyone.

Swivel.

Great plan, I said. Fantastic idea.

There's just one tiny, wee problemo you've overlooked, Svengali.

Who the hell's going to want to get shackled to a gorgon like you?

Exactly.

Mmm! Mummy!

Darling! How was Milan?

Mmm. Sizzling.

Katherine. Mother.

Katherine's getting married.

Really? Good Lord. Who to?

BlANCA: We haven't decided yet. (Laughs)

I have spent so much money!

Good! That's what it's for. Rich people have a duty to throw it around.

lt keeps the economy moving.

Doesn't it, Katherine?

Katherine's going to be Prime Minister.

ls she? No.

She's got to become Leader of the Opposition first.

And for that, she needs to get married, apparently.

You should get married, Katherine.

People think you're so frumpy and peculiar.

Did you see me on Newsnight last night?

Oh, no, you should have told me.

I did, I left a message. Oh.

l've had six proposals this week.

Oh, is that all? You're slipping, aren't you?

Well, it is only Tuesday.

Anyone interesting? No, just the regulars.

Although I did meet someone on the plane.

Really? Mmm.

Couldn't understand a word he said, but so sweet!

Anyway, I invited him round.

He's going to teach me to speak ltalian.

You are so naughty!

Excuse me, Madam. The couple by the window have asked for your autograph.

They're keen to emphasise that if it's any kind of imposition, then. . .

No, that's fine. . .

No! I'm sorry, that's bang out of order.

What is?

Don't sign anything. WAlTER: I apologise, please.

I come out. . . Katherine!

..for a quiet lunch with my sister who I rarely see.

Of course.

..only to get harangued and bombarded and pestered by people

who don't even damn well know us, they just think they do!

WAlTER: I'm sorry. Please, Madam. . .

Please! Stop it!

WAlTER: Sorry.

Sorry. No. Thank you.

Sorry.

Katherine, just sit down.

Sit down, Katherine. For God's sake, everybody's looking.

MAN: Katherine Minola's office.

lt's your sister.

Tell her I'm not here.

She says to tell you she's not. . .

..here.

You dozy twit.

( PHONE RlNGS ) What?

You know that's gonna be splashed all over

the News Of The Doo-dahs tomorrow morning, don't you?

ls that what you've rung to tell me? BlANCA: No.

(Whispers) Yeah, get lost, you plonker.

l'm having a little party tomorrow evening and I want you to come.

I don't do parties.

l'm going to New York next Tuesday. l'm going to be gone for two weeks.

lt'd be nice to see you before I go.

Properly. Right. Well, I'll. . .

EVENINGS: EMPTY THE BIN!!!

(Sighs) ..see what I'm doing.

Right. Right.

Bye-bye. But it's unlikely.

So, how is she? Bonkers?

I don't know why you bother.

She's probably not even your reaI sister.

D'you wanna know what I think? Not really.

I think there was a cock-up at the hospital when she was born.

Do you?

Mmm. I think there's this normaI baby, right,

and then there's this troglodyte donkey baby.

Harry? What?

Have I asked you to marry me recently?

No, not since breakfast time.

What d'you say, eh? Look, come on.

I mean, I know I may not be

as gorgeous and to-die-for as some of them,

but I do have personality.

Which, as we all know, is not something money can buy.

I don't want to see you anymore.

Are you expecting someone?

Lucentio. Well, who the f. . .

Who's Lucentio?

That boy I met on the plane.

SONG ON TV: # I don't need no man

# Got my kicks for free

# We'll ride, stir fried

# On the beat down low

# I don't need nobody Got my honeys when I go. . . #

(Haltingly and with accent) Hey, I . . . I am here to see Bianca. . . Minola.

Sorry, I must get my ears tested,

'cause I could have sworn that you just said. . .

I don't need a manager like you anymore.

(Sighs) I haven't done for some time.

l've outgrown you.

And I think it's time that you stopped following me around.

Why have you got an 1 1 -year-old coming to see you?

He's 1 9.

And he's going to teach me to speak ltalian.

Can you let him in as you. . .

..leave?

Hello, sir.

No, I'm sorry, I'm not going to walk away like this.

You can't do this to me.

You've. . .

For 1 2 years! We're practically engaged.

The number of times I've asked you to marry me, it must count for something?

You will never find anyone else like me.

I am unique.

I am the right person for the job of marrying you.

l've got no intentions of getting married to you or to. . .

l'll get married when Katherine does.

Katherine? Your Katherine?

Well, that's just not going to happen, is it?

lsn't it?

Well, who'd marry her? Oh, I don't know.

You're not going to get rid of me.

Hello.

Hello.

So. . .

..would you like a drink?

WHAT?

So. . .

..how do I say. . .

..''I want you to. . .

..''make my pips squeak''

in ltalian?

Cosa?

SONG: # Whoa, the good life

# Full of fun

# Seems to be the ideal

# Yes, the good life

# Lets you hide all the sadness you feel

# You won't really fall in love

# For you can't take the chance

# So be honest. . . #

MAN: HARRY!

Oh, you're in! I thought you were in Australia.

No. They threw me out. What for?

I can't remember. Have you been in a car crash?

No, not recently.

How are ya!? Argh, I'm. . .

Good. Me too.

Me too. Do you mind if I . . .?

Yeah. No. Go on, you help yourself.

So.

Back in England!

Toying with the idea of settling down, getting married.

Why? My father died.

Oh, really?

Oh, I'm sorry, I had no idea.

Yeah, well, he was supposed to leave me some money, only he didn't, the old. . .

..love.

So, backwards and forwards.

Course, I'm putting it about that he left me loaded.

Only trouble with that is it doesn't cut much ice with the lnland Revenue.

Are they still after you?

So, I've come to wive it wealthily in Padua.

Really?

You don't know anyone who'd fit the bill, do you?

Rich.

Doesn't need to be anything else, really. Not particularly. Just. . . rich.

Oh, female, preferably.

What are you thinking?

Oh, no.

I couldn't inflict that even on you.

Have you got someone in mind? No.

Oh, well.

Couldn't lend me 54 grand, could you? No.

Fair enough.

Right then, onwards and upwards.

Where're you going? I dunno. China.

Wait a minute. Hang on.

What?

Well, it's. . .

Mind if I lie down for a minute?

I had a bit of a bad night last night.

Hangover?

Oh, no. No, no, fine, fine.

No, no. You never. . . You don't lie down.

You never lie down.

Don't lie down. You never lie down!

You fight a hangover! All the way!

You've got to grab it by the jugular, slap it round the face, kick it in the balls!

You get dressed, you go out, you get fresh air, you eat. . .doughnuts.

You give in once and it will think

that it can walk all over you every time.

You've got to be firm, you've got to be strong, you've got to. . .

You've got to deaI with it the way you'd deaI with a woman.

What? By kicking it in the balls?

HARRY: 1 2 years. Mmm.

1 2 years!

Then, and this is what made me smile, vaguely,

earlier on when you were going on about getting married,

she says, ''l'll get married when Katherine does''.

This is the sister.

Bianca's sister? Katherine.

Minola.

You must have seen her. No.

On telly. No.

She's an MP.

Oh, so this Katherine woman's looking for a husband, is she?

No. I dunno, it was a joke.

ls she rich?

The idea is, she's trying to get on.

I mean, she's a big smell. Well, potentially, a very big smell.

She cut any ice with lnland Revenue? You can't not have heard of her.

She's bad-tempered. On the telly.

l'm sure she does. She probably invented the lnland Revenue.

Face like a bust shoe.

Everyone thinks she's a dyke, or mad,

or Hitler or something, so. . .

But. . . money?

I assume so. So when can I meet her?

Who? No.

She's an ugly, bad-tempered, puerile, violent,

sad, strange,

screw-up with problems.

I like her more and more.

And. . .

..she's a virgin.

Bianca told me.

38 years old and still a virgin.

That's how bad it is. That's got to tell you something.

That's not what you want, is it?

Not these days.

However, you know, getting back to my problems. . .

So if I proposed to her, how d'you think she'd. . .

Just don't go there.

Not even for a gold mine. Peace, Harry.

Thou knowst not gold's effect.

You're not eating that?

Excuse me.

MAN: Chris Wadlow, Robert Hodges and Anne Molyneux all rang

to congratulate you on having put your name forward to the committee

and to offer you their support.

No-one else? Not yet.

PauI Fox rang to say, yes, he is happy to be put forward

for the tax law re-write Joint Committee,

but in future can you not use the F-word on his answer machine at home

because he's got a very smart 4-year-old.

Keith Aspinall's office rang to say that he's not

''a trumped-up loud-mouthed illiterate Northern git''

and if you call him that again, in private or otherwise, he'll sue you.

And Harper's And Queen rang to say

following yesterday's ''widely reported incident at the restaurant'',

could they interview you for an article about sibling rivalry

amongst the rich and influential?

Fine, thank you, I'll deaI with all that.

And your mother's here. She's on her way up.

My mother? Who the hell let her in?

Security. On whose authority?

Mine. She's your mother.

You don't know what my mother looks like.

She could be a... terrorist, for all you know.

Can I go home?

Yeah, get lost.

Leave me on my own to get blown up.

Mrs Minola.

Come in. Thank you.

Katherine!

Bianca's very keen for you to come to her party.

Why? She worries about you. So do I.

And forcing me to live it up with a bunch of overpaid coke-snorting anorexics

is gonna make you both feeI better, is it?

Have you thought any more about getting married?

That was a joke.

But you are standing for the leadership. lt's been on the news.

The two things aren't irrevocably linked.

lt needn't be a joke. Why should it?

You mean, apart from the fact that no-one's ever asked me

and that I've never been out with anyone to speak of?

Erm, I dunno, maybe you're right. Maybe it's an option I should consider.

You don't. . .?

What?

..shop around the corner, do you?

No.

Because some people think you do. See, if you got married, they wouldn't.

Right. Well, next time someone asks me to marry them, I'll bear that in mind.

Right. Good.

Come on, l've got a car waiting downstairs.

No, I've got phone calls to make.

Five minutes.

Just show your face for five minutes.

You can't lose your temper and make a fooI of yourself in five minutes.

I can.

this is mad

less than 2 days in England

And we're at a party in Bianca Minola's apartment

Last night

when i was here

She asked me to shag her

So...

did you?

You're mad.

Even if the bitch from the black lagoon is here, which is unlikely,

what are you gonna say to her, eh?

'Cause I'm not going to introduce you.

Come on!

I dare you.

50 quid says you won't get a look-in.

50 quid says you won't want to. Not when you clap eyes on the old trout.

Excuse me. Katherine!

Get back in here NOW and apologise.

Jumped-up little prick!

What's happened? Oh, hello, Harry.

You will not do this to my guests!

Robbie just offered to show her a few chords

and she smashed the guitar over his head.

This is the trouble, you see.

Any time anyone is nice to her, she just thinks they're taking the mick.

Oh, go to hell!

All of you! And STAY THERE.

ls that. . .?

Kate! Katherine.

I prefer Kate. Do you?

lt suits you, Kate. Kate, Kate.

My sort of Kate.

Kate, Kate.

Kate. And you are?

l'm. . .going to marry you.

Are you indeed?

Well, I've heard that can happen.

You see someone you never clapped eyes on before

and, clang, in a flash, you just know.

Right there in front of you.

Really? OK.

Well, whilst it's been a delight and a pleasure,

whilst I can think of nothing finer than spending my life with a certifiable lunatic,

I do have things to do, so if you will excuse me. . .

I don't want to alarm you, but the doors aren't opening.

What? The doors, they aren't. . .

KATHERlNE: No, don't. Don't!

Don't do that!

Fantastic. Now you've really buggered it up!

Oh, have I? Sorry.

Have you got a mobile?

Nope. Damn.

Ah, don't worry. Gives us more time to get to know each other.

Help!

May I put my cards on the table?

Please, don't.

Hello!

There is something really very. . .

Yes? What?

..alluring. . .

..arousing. . .

..about the way you move your lips when you. . .snarl.

Excuse me?

Talk. What?

Say something.

Oh, for God's sake!

Has my mother put you up to this?

No. I was just thinking.

About sex. . . in a lift.

lt's the kind of thing that people show off about.

What're you talking about? Are you threatening me?

No. I'm just. . .

You are!

..pointing out that some people might regard this, in certain circumstances,

as an ideaI opportunity to, um,

get to know each other.

You are. You're making lewd threats.

I was having lewd thoughts, I wasn't making threats.

Oh, yeah? Well, don't.

Don't what? Have lewd thoughts. Not about me.

That's not what I'm here for. lt isn't on the agenda, it's off the menu.

Do you understand?

Oh, Kate!

Katherine!

You have no idea how tempting you are to a man like me.

You do that again, I'll hit you back.

Harder.

Kate!

Miss Minola.

I like. . .everything you do.

I like everything about you.

And I'm serious. (Laughs incredulously)

I want to marry you.

Who are you?

I was told you were horrible, disgusting and obnoxious.

You're nothing of the kind!

lt's lies. You. . . You're plucky.

You're fun. You're exciting.

That's the thing. That's the big thing.

I don't think I ever thought about what my kind of woman was before.

Kate. . .

Well, er, I'll leave you to it.

HARRY: The concierge called to say the lift was stuck

and did we know anyone who might be in there.

This is Kate.

Yeah, yeah, well, we've met.

We're going to be married.

ln your dreams, mush.

Don't pay any attention to her. She can't get enough of me.

We agreed to keep quiet about it, you know, in public.

Really?

l'll book the registry office for a week on. . .

Well, as soon as I can. lt's all I can say. Right, you do that.

'Bye! Be in touch.

OK.

Kiss me, Kate!

Up yours, weirdo.

She likes me.

Don't tell me I have to be nice to them in order to get them to vote for me.

I have integrity and probity, as well as being the sharpest tooI in the shed.

And if they can't appreciate that, sod playing the game!

Just round them up and remind them

that last time we had a woman in charge, we actually won elections.

I do!

I do want to frighten them, yes.

Thank you. Bye-bye.

Bloke rang to say you're having lunch with him.

Sorry, who? He didn't say.

Said you met him at Bianca's party.

He's going to be by the bandstand in St James's Park in five minutes.

Oh, right. Thank you.

Watch where you're going! Moron!

ldiot! Oh, come on then!

Forget it!

Kate!

This yours, is it? Sorry, mate.

lt's alright. Fetch!

You tosser! You got a problem, Baldilocks?

Have you?! Yeah, come on! COME ON !

(Mocks) Wanna know, do you? Come on!

Kids, eh?

Are you stalking me?

No. But I'd like to.

What do you want? I want you to have all my babies.

You don't know anything about me.

I know enough. l've got eyes, haven't I?

I don't know anything about you.

What d'you wanna know?.

So, how much do you owe the Revenue?

54 grand plus interest.

That's why I went to Australia.

Till I got booted out for not having a work permit.

l'm not a fraudster.

l'm not.

l'm just appalling with money.

Just like my old man. He was famous for it.

Well, he would have been, if he'd been famous for anything.

So, it was a joke. You know, wanting to marry someone rich and. . .

Except it wasn't, not entirely.

And then. . .

..clang!

This just took on a very different complexion.

Well, you might be surprised to learn

that this is the first offer of marriage l've had all week.

What are you doing this weekend?

Well, I'm trying to run a leadership campaign just at the moment.

Right. Why?

Have you got a car?

Why? I was thinking I'd show you the house.

lt's a dump though, be warned.

lt was last time I saw it, about six years ago.

Can't imagine it's improved any.

Should sell it. lf I had any sense I would.

Trouble is, I don't think anyone in their right mind would buy it,

not in the state it's in at the moment.

Anyway, I grew up here.

So did my ancestors. . .

..bless 'em.

There have been Cricks at Hazlingdon for 300 years.

1 5, 1 6 generations, each one more feckless than the last.

lt's a wonder we've survived.

But we have.

And I don't want to sell it.

But you can't afford to keep it.

Well, no. Not unless I marry extremely well.

Used to play football in here.

One spring, my dad filled it with pigs.

Pigs? He bought these pigs.

He was drunk. He'd had a win on the horses.

He was going to make millions with these pigs.

Exactly how, he never said.

Then when he got bored with 'em, I think we ate them in the end.

What about your mum?

No, we didn't eat her. She cleared off.

When?

When I was six.

Where did you go to school? LocaI comp.

Didn't half get picked on.

Still, it was character-building.

Probably.

Don't know, maybe I should sell it.

I could sell it, get the lnland Revenue off my back and still have plenty of change,

and still have the title.

You've got a title?

Oh, yes.

l'm the 1 6th EarI of Charlbury.

Believe it or not, I am a gentleman.

D'you fancy a takeaway?

You'd have to pay for it.

MAN: How was New York, Bianca? Big.

How's the romance? We're very much in love.

You must be looking forward to the wedding.

Well, we're not quite there yet. (Giggles)

No, love. Not you, your sister.

l'm sorry?

Katherine's wedding on Saturday to the EarI of Charlbury.

Do you know what you're wearing yet? Have you decided?

MAN: Give us a smile, Bianca.

This isn't a joke, is it?

Not as far as I'm aware, sir, no.

Have you met him? No.

But he definitely exists?

Well, I assume.

lt's not. . . Someone hasn't sent these out as a prank to embarrass her?

To mess up the campaign? They've definitely come from here?

Oh, yes. Yes.

I chose the design for her.

So what's he like?

Well, as I say, I haven't. . . I've not. . .

Well, what's she said about him? Nothing. . .

..much.

Just that she's going to marry him.

Congratulations!

Katherine, I had no idea.

Oh. Well, no, neither did I.

How d'you mean? lt's all been rather sudden.

Dorothy and I would be delighted.

She adores a wedding. So do the girls. What a treat.

The EarI of Charlbury?

Yes. Do I know him?

How the hell would I know?.

I just wondered where you found him.

I mean, where you met him.

We got trapped in a lift and he proposed to me.

Well, that's. . .very good news.

ls it? Good?

lt's all a bit mad, really. Mad? lt's a stroke of genius.

Genius? Oh, I think so, yes.

What are you gawping at?

Why didn't you ring me, tell me about it?

She wanted to see your face.

No, I just couldn't be arsed.

So, what's he like?

Big.

Eccentric. Overwhelming.

He talks too much.

He hits people. . . when they get in his way.

Well, I think he sounds delightful.

You should marry someone with a title.

They're all so boring.

I should marry someone with a title.

lsn't it all a bit. . .sudden?

Yeah.

I think it's all very romantic.

And he just. . .

..asked you to marry him?

Yeah.

Just like that.

Yeah.

And do you trust him?

Of course she does!

Well! I think we should open some champagne.

MOTHER: Mmm. Good idea, darling.

So when are we going to meet him?

At the wedding, I suppose.

Well, there you go.

Fifty quid, fair and square.

I take my hat off to you, you sad idiot.

I never thought you'd see it through.

I can't do it.

OK.

OK.

Oh, God!

Right, um. . . better that you should say it now.

Honestly, I don't think you realised what you'd be letting yourself in for.

lf ever there was a face that could turn milk sour. . .

I mean. . . ..then she sure. . .

..not. . .

..dressed like this.

So. . .

No.

You can't.

lt's your wedding day!

You can't do that! Not even to her.

Especially not to her!

She's a politician!

She's almost the Leader of the Opposition, for God's sake!

l'm not going to lie to her!

I thought you were serious about this woman.

I am.

I am.

There's things about me she needs to know.

Hang on, darling.

Hang on.

KATHERlNE: Where the hell on earth is he?

I don't think we should assume he's not coming.

lt's quarter past eleven!

MOTHER: I don't think we should assume the worst.

He could have had an accident!

Any number of things could have happened.

Hell!

Calm down.

Oh, this is ridiculous.

I thought it was all very odd.

What? You've only known him five minutes!

I mean, why get married? Why not just. . .?

Katherine!

What do you know?. You're only a bridesmaid!

Katherine! Katherine! He's probably not worth it!

These sort of men never are!

Get off!

Yes? MOTHER: He's here, he's coming!

Ooh! Turn around! Quickly!

NOW!

BlANCA: Oh, my God!

(Drunkenly) I'm sorry, I'm sorry! I know you want to kill me.

But the traffic was all snarled up round Elephant and Castle.

We were just stuck there for ages!

I just thought, ''Oh, f. . .

''Sod it!''

And then this bloke lent us his moped! (Titters)

Which was lucky.

lt's true. And now I'm here.

(Whispers) ls that him?

Kate? Yes.

Come on, Kate. . . let's get married.

You're dressed like a woman.

Ah, yes. No, I wanted to talk to you about that.

lt's not an issue. Well, not for me.

And I don't want it to be one for you either. I'm not a poof.

No worries on that score. Common misconception.

lt's just once in a while, on occasions,

one likes to put on a skirt and wear make-up.

You've been drinking, haven't you?

I have had the odd sherbet or two

just to steady the old nerves.

And we would have phoned to tell you where we were, but Harry. . .

..left his bloody mobile in his flat

and if we'd have stopped we'd have been even later and blah, blah.

You're lying, you're taking the. . . (Protests forlornly)

You've turned up late, drunk and dressed like a tart!

l'm sorry, I should have mentioned it before, but it's difficult.

lt's. . . it's not easy.

People tend to laugh. . .or cry.

Some silly, stupid dare, some bet,

with that half-baked tosser you hang about with.

lt's actually not, Kate.

lt is. lt is to humiliate me, to embarrass me.

Kate. Kate. . .

Well, you've screwed up big-time, buster.

Kate. . . I want you to let go of my arm.

You're not going to embarrass me, are you?

Me embarrass you?!

VlCAR: ls everything OK?

(Roars) Why wouldn't it be? ( ALL GASP )

I was just asking.

No, I'm sorry, l'm not going through with this.

Sorry, what?

You won't make a fooI of me, mate.

Oh, and you won't make a fooI of me, mate.

Oh, I think you're doing a good job of that all by yourself.

That's unkind.

This isn't happening. Mm-mm.

Look, I'm sorry, I . . . I shouldn't have had a drink earlier.

I know, it's a fair point,

but I was scared that you might not turn up.

You were scared I wouldn't turn up?

lf you walk away now, it's going to look really bad.

Real. . . Not for me, necessarily, but for you.

You should think about all those little voters out there.

lf the tabloids find out you walked out,

they're gonna love it, they're gonna say,

''She doesn't know her own mind, she can't make decisions,

''and she wants to rule the country.''

No, I don't! Oh yes, you do.

And marrying a man who. . .

That's a good decision, is it?

That's going to make me look like a potentiaI world leader?

I suggest the best thing you can do, my love, my dove, my sexy Kate,

is just put on a really big smile

and just act like all this was deliberate and planned, knew what was happening.

We'll just chew the fat about it all later. Alright? How about that?

(Roars) What are you waiting for?

Dearly beloved. . . .

No, not all that, just cut to the vows.

l'm sorry?

The vows!

We haven't got all day! The plane leaves in less than an hour!

(Scoffs) All this fuss just because I was 1 5 minutes late.

And dressed like a Christmas tree!

Oh, come on, it's me you're marrying not my. . .

What plane? The. . . The plane plane.

I call upon these. . . ..

First, if. . . Does anyone here present

know any reasons why these here. . .

..persons may not be lawfully married?

No? Good, next!

KATHERlNE: But we're not flying out untiI tomorrow.

Oh, no. Oh, God, no, I made a mistake with the tickets.

lt's not tomorrow, it's today, and check-in's in less than an hour.

So. . . it's not a problem.

The vows you are about to take are to be made in the name of God

who is the judge of all the secrets of our heart.

Therefore if either of you know a reason why you may not be lawfully married,

you must declare it now.

I haven't got my things with me, I can't go!

No, Harry's sent the car to your hoteI to pick up your clothes and passport, so. . .

Will you take Katherine Minola to be your lawfuI wedded wife?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

What about the reception? We can't not be at our own reception!

They can manage without us! lt's not a big deal, darling!

Will you love her, comfort her, honour and protect her

and, forsaking all others, be faithfuI to her

as long as you both shall live?

What? Yep.

No, no. lt's 'I will'.

I WlLL!

..to be your lawfuI wedded husband?

Will you love him, comfort him, honour and protect him

and, forsaking all others, be faithfuI to him

as long as you both shall live?

And smash his skull through his gullet into his chest cavity

at the first available opportunity?

Oh, yes. I will.

REPORTERS: Where's the honeymoon, Katherine? Big smile, please!

Show us a big smile!

Kiss for the bride! Go on, give her a kiss!

Well, it's been a joy and a delight! But my wife and I must make tracks!

Come on, give us a smile. Big smile, everyone!

Say goodbye, Kate!

ln you go.

Well, who'd have thought it, eh? Your Kate getting married.

He isn't actually deranged, that man, is he?

Borderline. lt's difficult to tell.

Still, they're well matched.

And do you remember saying that when your Kate got married, you'd marry me?

Harry. I didn't say that exactly. Ah, ha ha.

And even if I did, you should never take anything I say seriously.

I couldn't marry you anyway.

Not even if you were. . .studded all over with diamonds and dipped in chocolate.

l'm engaged. To Lucentio.

Ciao, bella.

I think it all went rather well, though.

You can't not speak to me for the next 40 years, Kate.

(Snorts) lt's just not. . .feasible.

Oh, you think it's going to last that long?

I . . . I did try the suit on, Kate,

I just felt. . .

..odd in it.

Don't speak to me.

lf I'd have turned up on time, you'd have seen the funny side.

You would!

We can't fall out because of bad timing, Kate.

lt's childish.

lf I'd turned up PlSSED. . .

..let alone dressed like a monkey's ARSE,

would you have seen the funny side?

I had a career untiI today.

All my life, everything I've ever done,

everything I've ever tried to achieve, you've just swept it all away!

l'll become one of those sad fools who gets remembered for the wrong reasons.

''Oh, yes, Katherine Minola.

''She was tipped for the top till she married that FREAK!

''Oh, and here's the funny bit -

''she only married him because she was STUPlD enough

''to be flattered by his pathetic, half-arsed declarations of love.

''And then it was only five minutes before they got divorced!''

We're going on a honeymoon, for God's sake, woman!

We're gonna have wild, athletic sex 1 5 times a night!

I don't want to hear any more talk about divorce, Kate!

I really would prefer it if you didn't speak to me, actually.

The best thing you can do, my love,

is to just look forward to a long and. . .

..interesting marriage with a man

who would conquer empires for you.

The only reason I'm going to ltaly is because I've paid for it.

As far as I'm concerned, this marriage is over, never started.

You are not my husband!

As soon as I find a decent, respectable, unobtrusive way out of it, I shall.

Foreplay. We're not together.

This man is harassing me.

lf you put him next to me on the plane, I shall see to it that you get sacked. . .

..Elaine.

Aren't you. . .standing for the leadership? No.

No.

ANNOUNCEMENT: Passengers for Alitalia flight 661 to Pisa,

please proceed to gate 59 where boarding is about to commence.

Passengers for Alitalia flight...

You do realise that I have all the documents for the car hire and the villa.

Which I paid for.

So I suggest you hand it over and then disappear in a puff of smoke.

Up your own backside. Fast!

Whisky, please.

Double. Triple. Big.

And whatever the little lady wants.

What does the little lady want? I don't know.

A kick up the arse? A bucket of cyanide?

Do you have a telephone?

Hello?

Tim. Hello.

lt's Katherine. Hello.

l'm pulling out of the leadership contest.

I want you to tell the committee. I don't think you should.

Just do it. I'll see you next week.

Are you alright?

Hello?

Harry. lt's me. What are you doing?

Oh, just weighing up the pros and cons of slitting my wrists.

Get down to Heathrow and get on the first available flight to ltaly you find.

What for?

I can't spend a week alone with this woman! She'll drive me nuts.

D'you blame her? We've got a huge villa!

Five bedrooms. Might as well make the most of it.

Hold on. . .

lf she wants a bad marriage. . . l'm gonna give her one!

And then I'm going to tame the bitch.

Buona sera! Hello.

You have a good journey?

No. We had a puncture.

Oh. Where is your husband?

What are you looking at?

KATHERlNE: Please. lgnore him.

He's had too much to drink.

Excuse me, madam.

This is OK? ln England?

What? Drinking too much? No.

But I plan to do something about that eventually.

Oh. . .you mean. . .

No. Not exactly.

Come on, open up and then clear off.

I wanna lie down.

I show you round. No need.

Ring me if you need anything.

Yes. Thank you. I will.

Well! This is all very posh.

Keep out of my way.

l'll bring the bags in then, my love.

You're not gonna like this.

Um. . . I think

I left your luggage at the airport in Pisa.

Well, I . . . I did.

I . . . I can see. . .see it now.

Yours was on the trolley and then I put mine in

and then. . . I think I must have just closed the boot without thinking.

No, I put my bag into the car at Pisa.

Well. No, you couldn't have, because it's not there now.

You. . . !

Right. Well. . .

You'll have to ring the airport. Can't. There's no phone.

My mobile, it's in the car.

Well, it isn't.

Well, then, you're going to have to drive to the village.

(Exclaims) With the amount l've had to drink?!

You're going to have to walk, then! ln these heels?

What've you done with my mobile, you MORON?!

Right, right, OK, fine, l'll wear some of your clothes,

your other clothes, and then I will drive down to the village.

No. I . . . I couldn't. . . I couldn't possibly let you do that.

What?

Wear my clothes.

SeveraI thousand leagues beneath your dignity, surely.

Oh, don't talk crap! Just go and get them.

Oh, there's another. . .there's another little problem with the car.

What?

All the tyres are flat.

What're you talking about?

So we're sort of a bit. . .

..stranded.

You haven't slashed them, have you?

You've just let the air out, haven't you?

Me?!

ls there a foot pump. . .anywhere?

Oh. Oh, yeah. There may have been.

But, oh, as to its whereabouts. . .

You do realise that we haven't got any food, don't you?

What do we need food for

when we have love to keep us going?

l'm going to go and lie down. Oh!

Harry's coming. Ha!

Here? Yeah.

When? Oh, today, tomorrow.

Sorry. You invited your friend on our honeymoon?

Not that it's any kind of a honeymoon!

Oh, there's lots of room! What's the matter with you, woman?

The more the merrier!

l'm gonna go and lie down, get myself together.

Then I'm gonna rip your knickers off and have sex with you.

Kate!

I knew you wouldn't be able to keep away from me.

I am trying to sleep, you moron!

Oh. I know a cure for that.

Well, it might not cure it, but it helps pass the time.

lf you think I'm going to be intimidated

by a feckless non-entity like you,

you've got another thing coming.

Come and sit on me. Where's the foot pump?

Oh, Kate, we don't need artificiaI stimulants!

I can pump you up as much as you like!

ln fact. . .

..I can't wait to get started.

Don't you dare touch me, you OAF!

Kate! Come back! Keep away from me!

How long are you going to keep this up?

Where's my suitcase?

lt's in Pisa.

YOU'RE A LlAR! So sue me.

What are you doing? What do you think I'm doing?

lt's my wedding night.

l'm all alone with my delightful, beautifuI wife.

What might I possibly be thinking of doing?

lf you touch me, I'll scream.

Ooh! (Unzips fly) Promise?

You have no idea. . . Aagh!

..how long I've waited for this.

Get off me!

Don't you. . . ! Don't you dare!

You've teased me long enough.

Right, fine. OK. Get on with it, then!

l've longed for this since the first time I clapped eyes on you.

Fine. DO lT!

l'M GOlNG TO!

GO ON, THEN !

I will. Right, then.

Are you ready?

When you are.

No, you're right. What?

lt's no good. I can't do it. Can't you?

Oh, you can beg, get down on your hands and knees and you can grovel,

but it's no good.

Forget it. I'm not gonna have sex with you untiI you start being nice to me.

You gonna start being nice to me?

Alright. Fine. Forget it.

This thing you notice, after a while -

there's. . .this pattern you start to see.

And it's, like, time after time, with women,

I can see their inner beauty,

but they never see mine, ever.

They don't even spot a glimpse of it.

They're not even looking.

With someone like Bianca. . .

You know, I mean, she's gorgeous and she gets everything and I'm. . .

..just a bit bloody ordinary

and I get nothing.

You know, I'm still always. . . always

on the outside looking in,

and she's just in there,

being, doing,

anything she wants with anyone she wants to.

I really do believe that nobody knows her like I do.

Nobody's right for her like I am.

Nobody can give her more than I can.

Am I deluding myself?

Are you not eating that?

So. . . Plan B.

I might marry a rich widow.

Do you know any?

l'm compiling a list. Kate!

Harry's brought us

some bread, cheese, wine, olives

and all different kinds of meat!

Oh, you wouldn't have liked it anyway.

However, the other good news is Harry's brought your suitcase

all the way from Pisa.

Have I?

Now, where did I put it?

l'll go and look for it. No, no, no!

Nothing's too much trouble. Not for you, my love.

Have a talk to our friend! Entertain him. Tell him some of your dirty jokes!

Try not to laugh too loud, Harry!

Don't want to disturb the bats and the wolves.

Can I have one of your cigarettes?

Yeah!

lt was genuine, you know, yesterday morning, the reason we were late.

And he got drunk because. . .

I dunno, he was frightened.

Of what?

Whatever it is that people get frightened about on their wedding day.

You see what you haven't grasped yet about him

is that underneath it all. . .

..he's just an unstable, unbalanced exhibitionist

who needs someone to think the world of him.

I think I've grasped that now.

What about the clothes?

He has these tendencies.

But why not talk to me about it before? Or after?

Just not there, on the day, in front of everybody.

He didn't want to lie to you.

I know the timing was crap. . .

..but. . .

..maybe he was worried that if he did everything properly,

you might mistake him for one of the grown-ups.

Because he isn't one.

And he never will be.

He's probably no more than about six, I should think,

bless him.

But he does think the world of you. . .

..in his own strange way.

My career's ruined.

What makes you say that? Come on!

What?

Look, if you're as big a sme. . .

..fish as everybody reckons you are,

well, you being married to an eccentric aristocrat

is hardly gonna throw a spanner in the works, is it?

Well, not in your party, anyway.

Why did you marry him?

Because it'd look good?

Or do you actually love him?

And is your career really more important than that?

Well. . .

..yes, of course it is.

OK.

ls it?

No.

Here we are, Kate!

All the way from Pisa.

He's going to throw it all in the swimming pool, isn't he?

He's going to taunt me with a week's worth of clean knickers

and then toss it all into the pool.

I would imagine that's. . . Yeah.

All you have to do, Kate,

is be nice to me!

Unreservedly. Without sarcasm.

And you have. . .

less than 1 0 seconds to do it.

Nine.

Eight.

Seven.

Six.

Five.

Four.

Three.

Two.

One. . .

..and a half. . .

One. . .

I don't wear knickers, anyway. Not when I'm on holiday.

Great.

Where's my mobile phone?

ln the cooker.

With the foot pump.

Well, you're going to be busy this morning, aren't you?

Lordy!

How brightly shines the moon.

That's the sun, you pillock.

ls it?

You shouldn't contradict me.

You shouldn't talk bollocks.

Oh! D'you want an argument?

l'd like an apology for all the nonsense you've subjected me to since we got here.

Me apologise?!

Now, look, if I say that's the moon, it's the moon.

Get it?

How d'you work that out, then?

Well, you're my wife. You agree with everything I say.

Do I?

What, even when you're wrong?

Especially then.

I never am wrong, so it's not really an issue.

Right. Good.

Well, I'm glad you think you've sorted that out.

And we'll have no more talk of divorce, either.

ls that absolutely clear, Kate?

Kate?

Ka-ate?

KATE!

No.

No more talk of divorce.

l'm going to make you breakfast.

You know, that was. . .

I have to say. . .

..for a virgin, that was really. . .

..really. . .

Well, you were. . .?

I was given to understand that you were. . .

Are you. . . not?

lt's inappropriate of you to ask,

and I'm disappointed that you feeI the need to.

l'm going to make you some breakfast.

Weddings are such a good excuse to have fun and spend money. (Laughs)

I know. I should do it much more often.

Speaking of getting married. . .

What?

What?

You?

Mummy! Who the hell to?

Oh, God!

Marring a woman, that's not a career

Papa, Bianca's a multimillionaire

Why do I need to study anymore?

Because you have a brain, you should use it!

This is your damn fault

I ask you to keep an eye on him, and look what happens

And what happens when you fall out with her?

I won't

So what happens when she fall out with you?

She won't.

Si? Signore Bentivoli?

Si. We've not met.

l'm Quentin Crabtree.

l'm Bianca Minola's legaI adviser.

l'm here for you to sign the prenuptiaI agreement.

Would you like me to take you through it?

SPEAKER: Order, order!

The Right Honourable Pillock is talking

the biggest load of old cobblers l've ever heard!

The Right Honourable Member knows as well as I do that language of that kind

will not be tolerated in the House, and I suggest she withdraws the statement.

But, Mr Speaker, the point needs spelling out in language. . .

KATHERlNE ON TV: ..the fat idiot understands.

SPEAKER: You will withdraw the statement and apologise to the Minister!

And this is the last time I shall say it!

Hello? Yes, she wants to see you on Wednesday at 1 0 past 1 0.

And can I ask you to be prompt?

She's got a very hectic week this week. . . Good morning!

..finalising her shadow cabinet.

Much appreciated. Bye-bye.

Where's my woman? Parliament's sitting.

We've got a wedding to get to! She knows that.

Fat Northern idiot!

Oh! Have you had another spat with Keith Aspinall?

Don't you start.

Tell her, remind her,

that if it wasn't for me taking no notice of her at a key dramatic moment,

she wouldn't be in the position she's in now.

Kate?

Tell me this, and tell me truly.

Have you ever seen a fairer-looking maid than this?

Stop it.

What war of red and white within her cheeks!

What stars do spangle heaven with such beauty

as those two eyes become that heavenly face?

Young, budding virgin.

Yes, indeed, a fresher-looking chicken I never saw.

l'm not gay.

You keep telling yourself that, kid.

Kiss me, Kate!

Not here.

Why not here? Not ashamed of me, are you?

You're not embarrassed? No.

Well, then!

GOOD GOD!

lf a man can't kiss his own wife

just because there's a few rank and file knocking about, it's a sad day for. . .

Don't mind us!

l'm going to be about three hours.

Try and resist any urges you get to use your initiative.

The Leader of the Opposition's office. Tim speaking.

Oh, I forgot to tell you! Harry's got a new woman.

He's bringing her to the wedding! You're kidding!

My mother's got a new man, and she's bringing him to the wedding!

Blimey. Does he know what he's let himself in for?

Sorry, are you trying to imply something about my mother?

Oh, come on!

OK, so who's this blind old cow that Harry's gone and pulled, then?

Are you trying to imply something about my best friend?

I wasn't trying to I was implying something about your best friend.

Everything you say stinks of venom.

Venom has no smell.

What's wrong with my mother? You tell me.

You're the one forever slagging her off.

He isn't your best friend, by the way. He thinks you're a jerk.

Hello, Mummy.

Cancelled? Good God, why?

Right, OK. Yes. Yes.

We'll be with you in 1 5 minutes.

This is the 21 st century, pal!

lt's time you got on board if you want to hang around with me!

You are insulting me.

Listen. Money. . .

lt's a wise precaution, signing a prenuptiaI agreement.

lt's not. lt stinks.

Are you arguing with me, Harry?

KATHERlNE: Damn. What?

We thought we were going to meet your new bloke.

Oh, yeah! We thought we were going to meet your new woman.

You have.

We drank champagne together one evening

and realised we'd always had a thing about one another.

So. . . !

But you're old enough to be his mother, Mother!

Hardly.

And he's a spiv.

PersonaI manager, darling.

Not only that, we're engaged to be married.

Good God!

You want to be carefuI she'll have you signing a prenup next.

I don't think so!

I think it's a wise precaution.

lt assumes things are going to go wrong!

lt doesn't! Well, it's unnecessary, then!

Oh, for God's sake.

lt assumes things may go wrong, which is a very different thing.

We live in an age of divorce.

lt's foolish to ignore the statistics. She's a very rich woman.

Look, just get married. . .

..or don't get married.

Keep it simple, eh?

What do you think, Katherine?

Did you sign a prenuptiaI agreement?

(Guffaws) No.

lt didn't occur to me to.

BlANCA: What's going on?

Katherine, seriously, is it so wrong in this day and age

for a successfuI woman, any woman,

to try and protect herself by asking the man she marries

to sign a little legaI document?

(Splutters) Of course it isn't wrong.

That's the whole point!

Ugh. lt isn't, is it, Katherine?

lt's perfectly reasonable and obvious and sensible and fair.

TRANSLATOR: Signore. . .

lsn't it?

I think you should frown less to begin with, otherwise you'll put him off.

(Gasps) Well, that's priceless, coming from you.

I think that your husband is your lord and your life and your keeper.

Excuse me?

He's the boss.

Day in, day out, he submits his body to painfuI labour.

Er, no, he doesn't.

And all we do is sit in front of the telly all day, eating chocolates.

I know I do, when I'm not running the country.

What's she talking about? What are you talking about?

l've been like you argumentative, obnoxious, bad-tempered.

And what good did it do me? Eh?

I think you should do whatever he tells you to do whenever he tells you to do it.

I mean, good Lord, how could we ever be equaI to them?

They're big, noisy and opinionated.

And we're little and noisy and opinionated.

lt's all so obvious, l'm surprised I'm having to spell it out.

Yeah. However, back in the reaI world. . .

Back in the reaI world, I think you should be prepared

place your hands below your husband's feet

in token of your duty to him

and not ask him to sign any bloody silly agreements.

And if you don't feeI that you can do that, you shouldn't be marrying him, frankly.

Go on, then.

You do it. You place your hands beneath his. . .

I would. . . if he asked me to.

But he won't ask me to, because he feels exactly the same way about me

and he wouldn't expect anything from me that I wouldn't expect from him.

Would you?

Yep. No.

Probably. . . not.

So, no, we didn't do a prenuptiaI agreement.

D'you really not regret signing the post. . . nataI thing. . .thingy?

No. Besides which, they're not worth the paper they're written on.

The judiciary keep trying to persuade the Government

to pass some legislation to make them more binding,

but they've got better things to worry about.

But if they were more binding, would you?

No.

No.

Oh, yes, I should have said earlier. . .

l'm pregnant. What?!

Yes. Oh!

That's amazing!

However. . . Mmm?

..you'll have to look after them because I'm not giving up my career.

No. Fine! l'm not convinced.

You'll feed them raw chicken, throw them in a pond to see if they float,

leave them on a bus somewhere.

God, I'm going to shag you right here, right now.

Go on, then. I will.

I dare you.

'Them'?

lt's triplets.