Original subtitles

WOMAN: I want two of her.

One full from that way, then a full-face I think would be better.

Then go over there and take two of them. Stand up straight, darling.

[WOMAN SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

- Good evening. - Good evening.

Which one do you think should be chosen as Miss Moonglow, Mr., uh...?

Kuryakin, at your service.

That's a difficult decision.

To find someone worthy of representing your new cosmetic.

Personally...

...I would prefer a woman of accomplishment.

I suppose they fit into the typical male's misconception of beauty.

- You're from the.... - The advertising agency.

I just dropped by to put out a few feelers. You understand.

JEAN: Oh.

- Cigarette? - No, thank you.

Excuse me.

[COMMUNICATOR BEEPING]

ILLYA [OVER COMMUNICATOR]: The coast is clear.

The laboratory is in the basement.

Call security and check on a Mr. Kuryakin.

Right away.

Just a moment here, soldier.

Is that uniform the best you can do?

Little sloppy here. Gotta button up.

[BUZZES]

[EQUIPMENT WHIRRING AND WHISTLING]

Well, good evening.

How are you?

Jean.

- Are these all of our semifinalists? - Yes.

CARESSE: Mm. - I, uh, think there's an U.N.C.L.E. agent...

...in the building.

- Oh, really? - Mm-hm.

Really? Well, we must be careful not to alarm our guests.

[THUDS]

[GUNSHOTS]

Boo.

Where's the other one?

Illya!

[VEHICLE APPROACHING]

[HORN BEEPING]

[MUMBLING]

I've never seen anything like it.

He's been exposed to some kind of radiation...

...but exactly what kind, we don't know.

Radiation specialists from London and Beirut.

[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

Any word from Kuryakin?

Unfortunately, no, not yet.

Sorry to have to pull you in off your flight to Mallorca, Mr. Slate.

As you may have surmised, I have an emergency assignment for you here.

Breaking in a new Section Two operative in the field.

I'm always glad to do a job for the New York office, sir.

It doesn't seem too long ago that I broke in Napoleon Solo.

Whatever happened to Agent Quint?

I thought he was handling your trainee work.

Ah, yes, yes. Quint, poor fellow.

We, uh.... We had to kick him upstairs, so to speak.

It's too bad.

He has a desk job now.

You see, he'd reached age 40.

Too bad.

When will I see the new agent?

- I've asked Ms. Dancer to meet us here. - Ms. Dancer?

Yes. Miss.

I didn't intend to put her in the field so soon, but under the circumstances--

- Ah, here she is. - You sent for me, sir?

She can't be more than 18. She's just a kid.

Hardly. Ms. Dancer's 24 and most capable.

- Come in, come in. Sit down. - Thank you.

- Oh, uh, this is Mr. Slate, Ms. Dancer. DANCER: How do you do?

WOMAN [OVER INTERCOM]: Report from infirmary on monitor one, sir.

WAVERLY: You made a diagnosis, gentlemen?

We cannot determine the cause of the radiation symptomology.

Unfortunately, the irradiation has penetrated...

...the primary and the secondary layers of Mr. Solo's skin.

We are helpless unless we know what was used on Mr. Solo.

Because at the present rate, the radiation will reach the spleen in 46 hours...

...and Mr. Solo will die.

Well, Ms. Dancer...

...it's up to you to discover what it is that Thrush has inflicted on Mr. Solo.

And find out too what they've done with Mr. Kuryakin.

We're counting on you.

So is Mr. Solo.

Ms. Dancer will give you all the background information.

You're going in the field with me?

Is there some objection?

Why, no, of course not.

Um, I guess the rules and regulations are just fresh in my mind, that's all.

What are you talking about?

Well-- Well, you see, I thought Section Two men...

...at a certain age, uh, became executives...

...and didn't have to go into the field anymore.

It's the rule, all right.

Shall we go?

Get me our file on Mr. Mark Slate.

- Do you like it? - Yeah.

- Used to be my office. - Really?

Here's the Arthur Caresse dossier.

"Arthur Caresse. Head of Caresse International...

...and Caresse Cosmetics Incorporated.

- Also one of the--" - One of the high-ranking Thrush officials.

He's been operating in Europe for the past few years.

Since Caresse's recent return from Europe, our intelligence reports...

...that a large number of Thrush technicians and shipments of electronic equipment...

...have been moved into the Caresse home office building.

I wonder if Section One assumes that there's some connection...

...between Caresse's Miss Moonglow contest...

...and the United States Moonglow space flight.

Mr. Solo and Mr. Kuryakin were assigned to explore that possibility.

I see. I see.

Well, Cape Kennedy is too well-guarded for Thrush to try anything there.

I don't suppose we have any leads to go on, do we?

No, but we do know that Thrush has space plans of its own.

But we don't know how they might plan to interfere with the United States' project.

Just how do you fit into this assignment?

Section One thinks I'll be able to do some undercover work...

...inside the, uh, Caresse building.

Especially now that Mr. Solo and Mr. Kuryakin have failed.

A woman would be the last thing they would expect.

Just how are you planning on entering this building?

Well, Section One has arranged that I go in and work as a temporary secretary...

...of course with the necessary forged Thrush credentials.

You got all of that in there?

[CHUCKLING] Of course.

- Ready? - For anything.

CARESSE: This is private property, and I want it maintained that way.

Get me a scanner's report immediately.

I wanna know if he made it back to U.N.C.L.E. headquarters.

JEAN: Up all night, Arthur?

Isn't it amazing?

You come back from Europe with your big hush-hush project...

...you don't even let me near the laboratory...

...but when there's trouble, it's your poor, frail little sister...

...that finds the U.N.C.L.E. agent.

- Isn't that amazing? - Fascinating.

I've made the press coverage arrangements for the reception on the yacht tonight...

...checked with the caterers...

...covered the guest list.

Only two cancellations.

Admiral Webster is giving a political talk at the Veterans Club.

Professor Worth is marching in a political demonstration...

...in front of the Veterans Club.

Here are the three semifinalists we--

You selected last night.

Which one do you like?

This one.

Tall, tan, young.

I like this one.

Have her in here this morning for wardrobe fittings and makeup.

You have no right to disregard my opinion.

After all, I'm the one--

You're on the payroll the same as anyone else and don't you forget it.

So be careful.

I don't mean to be domineering. It's just--

Sit down, sit down.

Now, the man from U.N.C.L.E. who got away...

...wasn't in any condition to talk...

...but nonetheless, I'm doubling our security.

I called you in here because I want to use you...

...as my backup on this project...

...in case anything happens to me.

You're including me?

That's marvelous.

You're the dearest thing in the world--

As soon as we finish this Moonglow project...

...I'll be on my way back to Europe.

Now, the diagrams for the Thrush rocket base...

...are being held for me by my friend here.

I see.

How does this Thrush project tie in with the reception on the yacht tonight?

Take my elevator down to the lab.

Andy will fill you in on the details.

When I come back, we'll take care of the arrangements for the girl.

And if you'll just sign these policy memos that I dictated this morning...

...then we'll be able to concentrate on the....

I'm sending my sister down. Fill her in.

She has top priority clearance.

CARL: Yep. Yeah, yeah.

Jawohl.

I know genau where we will go in with the explosion.

Ha.

Aber no one has told me exactly warum.

Why is it so wichtig--? Important...

...that we all meet on the ship--? The yacht. Yacht?

- All right, beat it. - Beat it?

- Go, you can go now. - Oh.

- Guten tag, Fr�ulein. - Yes, of course.

- Hello, Andy. - Hello.

Thrush Central sent him over because he's a top German demolitions man.

I can hardly understand a word he says.

Where's your big secret?

This is the quartzite radiation projector.

The rays from this machine affect the human sensory systems...

...throwing them into imbalance.

Now, over here, please.

Kuryakin there is being fed dehydrated food...

...that has been irradiated by the projector.

Now, watch this.

[PIANO MUSIC PLAYING]

[MAN SINGING]

Yes, Jean, our Miss Moonglow will be here in a few minutes.

No, I'm taking care of it.

I just wanna make sure the wardrobe people will be here at the right time. Goodbye.

I like that. I like that. Let's use that, and get on it right away.

I hate these. Hate--

Well, maybe this one. You might give that a try.

Fellas, that's very, very nice.

Very nice, but how about getting something with a little more excitement in it?

[PLAYING PIANO]

[PHONE RINGS]

[MAN SINGING]

Yes. Central.

All right, kids, that's all for now. We'll pick this up in a few minutes.

- Don't touch that. - Oh.

Oh. I'm sorry. Uh....

Uh, these are the memorandums that you wanted to sign.

- I'll sign them later. Scram, sweetie. - Yes, sir.

Ready for that overseas call.

We're moving the laboratory out of the building...

...and we're dismantling our equipment.

We're dumping it in the river.

There will be no trace of our operation left behind.

We're dumping Kuryakin's body in the river too.

I've-- Yeah.

I've transferred our diagrams for the rocket base onto microdots.

I'll be bringing them to Europe with me on Tuesday.

Right.

ANDY: You're gonna meet me at the yacht tonight, got that?

Da, da.

I know genau where to go through the wall.

[CARL SPEAKING IN GERMAN]

CARL: I still don't know why.

ANDY: Never mind, I'll pick you up at your hotel.

[SPEAKING IN GERMAN]

Yeah, all right. Beat it, beat it. Beat it.

Say you.

Me?

Take those files over there and burn them.

Yes, sir.

They're not worth anything...

...but we've got to burn them anyway. Regulations.

Uh, I bet Caresse keeps the good stuff hidden in his office.

Wouldn't trust us with the plans to the hidden rocket base, would he?

You ask a lot of questions.

Oh, well, uh, I'm new here.

Very new.

You're quite an improvement.

Thank you.

Uh....

- Is he real? - Well, almost.

He's a sturdy little fellow, but, uh, he's had quite a few doses from this machine.

Oh.

Well, what's going to happen to him?

Um....

The usual body disposal procedure?

Yes, uh, that's right.

I'm through testing the machine on him.

I'd like to keep him. I have a few other ideas.

Well, um, there's not that much left to work with, is there?

[ANDY CHUCKLES]

I could fix that.

All I have to do is to reverse the quartzite device.

That would restore his sensory systems...

...and, uh, counteract the, uh, radiation.

All that just by reversing this machine?

Mm-hm. Oh.

That reminds me.

Hi, honey.

Listen, call the yacht, will you?

Have them send over a steward to pick up the body.

Yeah, thanks.

Well, I've got to shove off.

Say, why don't we, uh--?

- Here, give me a hand with this thing. - Oh, certainly.

Why don't we get together one of these days, hmm?

That would be very nice, sir. What about tonight?

Oh. Tough luck, kid, huh? We're completing the project tonight.

I've gotta work.

Well, that's a scientist for you.

Yeah.

[ANDY CLEARS THROAT]

I've met so many nice girls in the contest.

It's been the most exciting experience of my life.

It really has.

Just wait until I tell my folks. They're not gonna believe it.

JEAN: Oh, that's good. Yes, that will work fine.

- Jean. - This is wonderful.

This isn't the girl I wanted. What happened to the one I picked?

She's gone. I knew that if only you'd see her the way I visualize--

- Get rid of her. JEAN: I can't get rid of her, it's too late.

- We've got to go with this one. - I said get rid of her.

Wait. Wait till you see this fabric on her.

Perfect.

Here we are.

Right in our own ranks.

The new Miss Moonglow.

SALLY: Oh, what do you mean?

Pay her off. Get her out of here.

- You can't do this, Arthur. - I'll sue.

- I'll take you for every penny you've got. - Get her out of here.

- Come on, dear. - But this isn't fair. You can't do this to me!

I want this girl to have the full treatment, my way...

...and I want her on the yacht tonight at 8:00.

Oh, well, uh, thank you very much.

I am very grateful, but you see, um...

...I'm just a temporary secretary, and I'm very busy.

- Uh, there's a lot of heavy typing and-- - What's your name?

- April Dancer. - Congratulations, April.

I understand this is going to be the greatest experience of your life.

Well, thank you very much, but you see, I'm not very good in public.

If you enjoy working here, you'll accept the honor graciously.

In that case, I'm very grateful.

I'll see you on the yacht at 8:00...

...and then we'll see how grateful you are.

Channel D, please.

[COMMUNICATOR BEEPING]

Channel D is open.

Something's gonna happen on Caresse's yacht tonight.

They already have their radiation device on its way there.

Any idea what they're planning to do?

No, but whatever it is, it's going to happen tonight.

Evidently, Thrush has space plans of its own.

Caresse has the location of the hidden rocket base.

It's somewhere in his office on microdots.

Good. Can you arrange to get in there and find them?

Well, there's been a minor complication.

I've been chosen as Miss Moonglow.

I'm going to the yacht too.

Miss Moonglow?

Any other good news?

The truck is coming to pick up the rest of the electronic equipment and Illya.

And, Mark, he's in bad shape.

I'll intercept the truck and then I'll meet you on the yacht.

JEAN: Ms. Dancer. - Oh.

They're waiting for you.

Oh. All right.

Well, here we go.

April.

[YELLS]

SLATE: All right, let's go.

Hold it. Hold it, hold it.

You took my laundry by mistake.

It's-- It's a laundry bag.

When you find it, take it to Del Florio's Cleaners.

They'll know what to do with it.

Here's the address.

[BREATHING HEAVILY]

Tell them to take it easy on the starch.

Here.

Hey, mister, you're a little out of shape, aren't you?

WAVERLY: Ah, Dr. Faust.

How are Mr. Solo and Mr. Kuryakin?

Well, unless we're able to counteract the radiation soon...

...I don't see much hope for them.

- Have you heard from your two agents? - No.

Our communications people haven't been able to reach either of them.

Washington has certainly been able to reach me, however.

The Pentagon's concerned about...

...possible Thrush designs on their Moonglow space flight.

When is the flight scheduled?

In 24 hours.

I'm afraid I don't have any answers for them either.

[LAUGHING AND CHATTERING]

CARESSE: Excuse me.

Well, don't we look lovely.

Thank you.

Isn't it amazing, dear, how you came to us from out of nowhere?

Or however the song goes.

Weren't my Thrush identification papers in order?

They appear to be in order, but of course...

...I've cabled Thrush Central for verification.

I thought I told you to stay away from her.

In fact, Arthur, I'm not even staying for your reception.

I think I will be of more use to you somewhere else.

- Good night. - Good night.

I must apologize for my sister's charm.

Moonglow, our first tube.

How nice.

After the reception, we will get together somewhere...

...and test each other's generosity.

They'll call for you as soon as we're ready for you to come up.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

- Hi-- - Shh, shh, shh.

Would you like me to air my dirty linens in public or can I come in?

Oh. Come in, come in.

Wait.

[DOOR CLOSES]

You look like you've been through a meat grinder. That's a nasty cut.

It's nothing. It's nothing.

You know, I've always said...

...that this is no business for a girl.

Here, this will help and so will my information. Get up there.

Hurry up.

That was their radiation device in that case.

- The same one they used on Solo and Illya. - Where they gonna take it?

I don't know, but we've got to get that device back intact.

It can be reversed somehow and cure anyone who's been irradiated.

All right, I'll get the machine.

But what are you gonna be doing in the meantime?

I'll have Arthur Caresse take me to his office where I will locate the microdots.

Then you'll have the machine and I'll have the location of the secret rocket base.

I never knew it could be so easy.

That's enough, that's enough. I'll-- I'll treat it internally.

MAN [OVER INTERCOM]: We're ready for you upstairs, Miss Moonglow.

ANDY: We go out through the chamber when the lights go off upstairs.

Come on, Carl, hurry up.

[SPEAKING IN GERMAN]

SLATE: You the one who ordered the potato soup?

[CARL SPEAKING IN GERMAN]

[GROANING]

Ladies and gentlemen, may I present...

...Miss Moonglow.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[APPLAUSE]

Lights.

[MURMURING]

CARESSE: Moonglow.

Caresse's first lipstick...

...which actually glows in the dark.

Come on, Carl. Hurry up.

What's keeping you?

Yeah, yeah.

ANDY: Let's go, let's go.

Come on, get in, close the door, the signal's ready.

SLATE: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

ANDY: Hold it.

Listen.

[APPLAUSE]

The United States government has so little imagination.

Always putting their secret laboratories...

...under basketball gymnasiums. Ha-ha.

Ah, don't you worry, Carl.

The noise of that basketball game will cover your demolition work.

We're gonna dock in a few minutes.

Why don't we go to your office?

Now, why should we do that?

Well, I've never seen your office at night.

It must be very private.

Well?

This way. This way.

ANDY: All right, good.

You were asking what the project is all about.

Now that I've got you this far, might as well fill you in on the details.

- Now, listen carefully, very carefully. SLATE: Yeah.

Now, we go through the wall into the laboratory.

We irradiate the astronauts' food...

...and then we come out again.

But we must be very careful...

...so that no one knows we've been in the Space Food Laboratory.

- Right? - Yeah. Yeah.

Irradiate the astronauts' food....

But why?

After the astronauts have tasted the doctored food...

...they'll lose control of their spaceship and crash.

So much for Project Moonglow.

It will take them months before they discover what happened.

And then we have a similar plan in work in Russia.

We will have stymied the manned space programs of both countries.

And the Thrush space program will be well underway, right?

SLATE: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[SLATE SPEAKING IN GERMAN]

- Telephone, sir. - Take a message.

I believe it's important, sir.

- Caresse. - Arthur? Listen to me.

Now I've really got something to tell you about your Miss Moonglow.

I've just received a call from--

I don't wanna discuss it.

Arthur?

- Problem? CARESSE: No, no, no.

But you may be right.

My office would be more private, wouldn't it?

When the men return, send them right over to the plant.

I'll check in with you later.

Hello? I'm sorry, Mr. Caresse isn't available.

[WHISTLE BLOWS]

[CHATTERING]

What is this?

A locker room?

Carl, you bumbling idiot.

Hold it.

Another U.N.C.L.E. agent.

Too bad you made such a long swim for nothing.

[PEOPLE CHEERING]

Hold it. Right back inside, buster.

[BLOWS WHISTLE]

All right, knock it off.

I wonder if you'd mind telling me just what you're doing in that costume.

Look, it's very simple to explain.

There was this group of men...

...who were going to use a quartzite radiation projector.

And then--

A quartzite radiation project--

You better take me to a phone.

Aah! Be careful of that. Ha-ha.

It actually works.

The button activates it.

- That sounds dangerous. - Yes.

We're considering a line of children's toys.

I think I'll just go down to wardrobe...

...and find something comfortable for you to slip into.

That champagne will keep you warm until I get back.

JEAN: Isn't that just like a woman?

Always trying to redecorate.

[LAUGHS]

Well, uh, that painting intrigues me.

He seems to be having trouble with his eyes.

Get away from the desk, dear.

Put that gun down or you'll see my first space shot.

What's going on here?

- April? - Now maybe you'll listen to me.

She's an U.N.C.L.E. agent.

CARESSE: Here's our Miss Moonglow.

Over here, Jean.

I've got her.

I'm going to turn you over to my sister.

I think you deserve it.

No, no, no, look, look.

Look, if I have to go, I--

I'd much rather go with you.

[CARESSE CHUCKLES]

It's too late, sweetie.

Oh, you wanna play games, huh?

April?

Arthur.

She kissed me.

Now we'll go back and get those microdots and I'll arrange for an ambulance.

[DOOR OPENS]

What a miserable evening.

And just try to get a taxi wearing one of these--

What's this all about?

You can put the machine down anywhere.

JEAN: Give me the gun, dear.

Give me the gun, dear.

Give me the gun, dear.

Give me the gun, dear.

ANDY: Jean!

[YELLING]

Thought you might like a little company.

April, are you all right?

I'm fine, thank you.

And you...

...and you...

...and you...

...hmm, and you.

[DANCER SIGHS]

[RUMBLING ON TV]

[DOOR OPENS]

Well, you two...

...congratulations.

The government's Project Moonglow seems to be off to a good start.

How are Solo and Kuryakin?

Oh, they've made a remarkable recovery from that radiation stuff.

Observe.

I understand you picked up a small touch of it yourself, Ms. Dancer.

- Yes, sir, but I'm fine now, thank you. - Good.

Uh, what's our--? I mean, my next assignment?

Well, as a matter of fact, I was thinking of teaming the two of you again.

You seem to work quite well together.

That is, if it's all right with you.

Yes, sir, that would be just fine, sir.

I wouldn't make a move without him.

Uh, by the way, Mr. Slate...

...our recording angel seems to have made a small typographical error in your file.

It says here you're over 40.

Ha. Preposterous, of course.

I suggest you make the correction and send it back to Master Files.

Yes, sir. I'll take care of that right away, sir.

[ENGLISH SDH]