All language subtitles for Humor.Me.2017.1080p.BluRay.x264-[YTS.AM]

Subtitles by explosiveskull

[BOB KROLL] Zimmerman was
an ordinary guy,

not much different from you
or me.

But one day, he woke up alone
and confused.

Mr. Zimmerman.

Welcome back.

You'd probably
won't remember this,

but you were on
a pretty massive pile-up

out there on the turnpike.

You're lucky.

Everything is going to be
just fine.

Well, mostly everything.

Your penis was chopped
off in the wreck.

- My...
- [DOCTOR] Yes.

Mr. Zimmerman, your penis.

[BOB] But the news
wasn't all bad.

The doctor explains
that Zimmerman could use

his 90,000 dollars
insurance settlement

to build a brand new penis.
But it doesn't come cheap,

approximately 10,000 bucks
an inch.

Talk to your wife
before you make any decisions.

After all,
getting all nine inches

may be a big adjustment for her.

And, getting less...

well...

you understand my concern.

[BOB] Zimmerman
sees his wife that night

and they have a heart
to heart.

[DOCTOR] Good morning
Mr. Zimmerman.

Have you spoken
with your wife?

- I have.
- Excellent.

And did she help you
with the decision?

Yes, doctor she has.

And what have you decided
to do?

We're getting brand new
marble counter tops.

[ALL LAUGHING]

"Brand new marble counter tops."

[WOMAN] They're beautiful,
like dancers.

They were buried alive
for almost 2,000 years, mother.

No air, no moisture.

Hermetically sealed in ash.

- Lucky.
- [GIRL] Lucky?

Nothing changed,
nothing rotted away or grew.

That's why we have it today.

Wish I could go back 20 years
and seal myself in ash.

They were burnt alive.

These people were all...

were all...

Um...

[NATE KROLL]
Well... [CLEARS THROAT]

[NATE] All the lives...

all living, breathing...

and laughing.

Making love and dreaming

when the cinder came raining
from the sky.

Or something like that I...
I'm still working on...

still working on... on this...

this speech.

[SIGHS]

Great job, everybody.

[DOOR OPENING]

In my defense,
the play was finished

when I sent it to you,
but then I had some ideas,

inspirations, and I...

I started re-writing, I...

- I thought maybe...
- Who gives a fuck?

- [PHONE RINGING]
- [WOMAN] Nathan Lane

on line one.

I'll call him back.

This is the third time
we've tried to start rehearsals,

and we still don't have
an ending.

- Yeah, but, C.C....
- No "But, C.C."

[SIGHS] We're closed.

Call me when it's really done.

On second thought,
don't call me.

I think it's better if
we don't work together anymore.

Come here baby,
come here baby.

Come back to mummy.

You're all right?

What's going on?

I need to make a change, Nate.

I feel like I'm a bug
caught in amber.

You're the amber.

What are you talking about?

Things are happening.
The play is happening.

[NIRIT GERB-KROLL]
Is that true?

Tell me it's true,
tell me, you staged

the entire play today,
from start to finish

and I will unpack
every last thing.

The entire play?

- That's what I thought.
- Oh, wait.

Quality work takes time.

I know, Nate. It just...
It can't be my time anymore.

You stopped taking care
of yourself.

I think you have
a rotten molar.

Your breath smells.

When was the last time
you went to the dentist?

Never mind.
You're getting fat.

- Here, I found this stuff.
- I'm not getting that fat.

My client, Henri asked me

to spend time with him
in Cap d'Antibes.

[NATE] Henri the billionaire?

You make it sound
like it's a bad thing.

Are you leaving me for him?

[SIGHS]

Oh.

I feel queasy.

[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]

Daddy, all these sea lions
basking in the sun?

[MIMICKING SEA LION]

Daddy, bark like a sea lion.

I really think you should
reconsider this.

- Gabe needs his mom.
- I'm taking Gabe.

You... you're taking him?

No. You can't just... you...
you just can't decide,

you know how...

you're gonna take off to France
with our son.

Okay, Nate, what've you planned
for Gabe this summer?

Have you signed him up
for a camp? Swimming lessons?

- Anything?
- That's not fair.

- I didn't know that I was...
- His dad?

- I'm gonna miss you so much.
- You should come.

- Want me to talk to mummy?
- Could you?

Yeah.

That probably won't work.

- I love you.
- I love you, too.

When we return, we'll come stay
at Henri's house up-town,

and we can
work everything out then.

Here is rent checks
for the next two months

that are there, I'd give you
a chance to figure yourself out.

You think you're gonna
take our son and run off

with some French billionaire
and just wash away your guilt

with a little rent money.

You cannot bribe me
to ease your conscience, Nirit.

If that's how you want it,
I'll have the packers

and movers here on Friday,
the lease is up next week.

Oh, the lease is over next week?

Gabe is gonna see things, Nate.

Don't let yourself become
irrelevant.

[GABE KROLL]
Daddy.

- Yes, Gabe?
- You're not supposed to litter.

- [KEYPAD DIALING]
- [DIAL TONE]

[PHONE RINGING]

- What's up, Nate?
- Hey, Randy.

- How's it going?
- Well, it's, uh...

- it's a little hectic here.
- Oh, yeah? Why is that?

Uh, we have triplets.
Did you forget?

No, of course I didn't forget,
I just thought, you know,

after eight months.

Well, it doesn't get any easier.

Nirit left me
and she took Gabe...

for a billionaire,
a French one.

Oh, man.

- Was it unexpected?
- Uh,

no, we planned it
a year in advance.

I'm... I'm sorry, um...

What can I do?

Do you think I could crash there
for a while?

You want to crash here?

Yeah, in your guest room,
just until I finish my play.

Look, why don't you call dad?
He's got that spare room.

You know what, man,
forget I said anything.

I got a bunch of people
who I can call.

I'll tell you one thing now...

I'm not staying with dad.

Who are you here to see?

Uh, Bob Kroll, I'm his son.

No, no, Bob Kroll,
he's lived here for five years,

and I've seen his son
and his son is long and tall,

and fine looking.

I'm his other son.

[TIRES SCREECHING]

[SIGHS]

Hi Dad.

[BOB] So...

what do you think of the place?

It's, uh...

you know, it's very...

- beige.
- I can't believe

you've never been here before.

- Gabe would love the pool.
- Yeah, thank you

for your sensitivity
of my current situation, dad.

Would you like a diet cream soda
or something?

No, that's okay.

Well, let's get your room
made up.

I'll take your stuff upstairs.

- I'll get that, dad, it's heavy.
- No, no, no, I can get it.

- I'll get it, dad.
- Oh! Yeah it is.

[GASPS]

The old fake heart attack.

Other people think I'm funny.

- Did she tell you her beef?
- [NATE] "Her beef"?

What do you mean, "Her beef?"

You know why she was unhappy?

[SIGHS] She left me
for a billionaire,

that could be our first clue.

[BOB] You think
it was about money?

I don't really know
what it was about.

Okay. So what's your plan?

[NATE] Plan?

[BOB] Yeah, I thought
maybe you'd have a plan.

Yeah, I've got a plan,
I'm gonna call Paul and Ringo,

see if we can get a band
back together.

This bed needs some WD-40.

We'll put it on the list.

Now, the towels are in there,
and if you need anything else,

- just let me know.
- Okay.

- This will cheer you up.
- I'm not really in a joke mood.

Zimmerman goes to see
the doctor.

I'm not in a joke mood.

Zimmerman goes to see
his doctor.

- I'm not gonna laugh.
- The doctor says,

"I don't know
how to tell you this,

but you gotta
stop masturbating."

And Zimmerman says, "Why?"

The doctor says,
"So I can examine you."

Life's gonna happen, son,
whether you smile or not.

Yeah.

Well, I got dinner plans
tonight, out with Connie.

You're welcome to come
if you want.

We're going
to the Turkish place,

it's a strip mall.

I got a little diarrhea there
one time,

but usually it's not too bad.

I think I'll pass.

- Whose Connie?
- You know, Connie,

Connie. Check the fridge,

I... I think we have some...
some leftovers.

[SIGHS]

[CONNIE ANDREWS LAUGHS]

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

[PHONE VIBRATING]

- [NIRIT] Where are you anyway?
- I'm at dad's place in Jersey,

I didn't have many options.

- How's your dad?
- He's the same.

Next time, could we do this
at a more reasonable hour?

[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

We have stuff going on all day,
swimming lessons,

sailing, tennis, it's just hard
to schedule something

in the middle of all that.

Fine. Can I see him please?

Of course.

Hey...

- Gabe.
- Hi, daddy.

[SPEAKING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

- Bonjour, papa.
- I miss you so much.

- How are you?
- Bon.

- That means, " good."
- Are you having fun?

It's okay if you're not.

- You can tell daddy.
- Lots of fun.

There's toys, and a pool,

and there's these people
that would get you

whatever you want
whenever you want.

Servants, they're called,
"servants."

- Don't we like that?
- Au revoir, papa.

Are... Bye.

Nirit listen,
come home please.

- I need you guys. I can change.
- I'm afraid that ship has sunk.

- Oh, oh, I can finish...
- Bonjour, Henri.

[LAPTOP BEEPING]

[SIGHS]

- Looking for coffee?
- Oh, shit!

I'm sorry. [CHUCKLES]

- Connie?
- Nate?

- Yeah.
- [SIGHS]

Nice to meet you.
I've heard a lot about you.

Your dad's out golfing.

- Are you his girlfriend?
- [CHUCKLES] Well,

I... I guess you could say that.

- Do you, uh, live here?
- Sometimes.

I have my own place, but,
I just stay with your dad...

sometimes.

Your father is a pistol.

Sharing is not his strong suite.

Uh, do you know
where the coffee is?

[CONNIE] Oh, we don't keep any.

Bob's not supposed to have it.

We have cans of diet cream soda.

Isn't regular cream soda
disgusting enough?

- [LAUGHS]
- Yeah, I gotta go to work.

Oh, he wanted you to take
a look at that legal pad.

Declined.

Wait, hold... hold on a second.

- Can I help you?
- You don't remember me?

From yesterday?

I do not remember you.

Bob Kroll's other son.

[DOOR KNOCKING]

How's it going?

You know it's...
it's going.

How long have you been working
on this one?

Not long. [SIGHS]
Four years.

What's it about?

Dad, don't pretend you care
about my writing.

Am I in this one?

It's specifically about the trip
mom took with Grammy.

But I'm just using that
as a platform to explore...

So, I'm not in it?

- No.
- [BOB] Good.

Have you had a chance to look
at this list?

- Uh, no, not really.
- Well, I'll leave it here

for you, I'd like you to try
to do one or two things a day.

You could start with the WD-40.

- Okay dad, I'll try.
- I'll appreciate it.

While your here
I could use your help.

Dad... we used to have this, uh,

reproduction of a figure
from Pompeii.

It was a woman
laying on her side,

uh, holding up her hands

to shield her child
from the ash.

- Do you remember?
- Vaguely.

I'd like to use it in the play.

- Do you know where it is?
- Have you looked in that closet,

there's a lot of old junk
in there.

- Yeah, yeah, I looked.
- Okay, well, I'd like you to try

to get one or two things
a day done from that list.

I heard you.

Maybe Nate's blocked,
did you ask him if he's blocked?

You wanna talk about, "blocked."

If my body were Ireland,
my ass would be County Cork.

[ALL LAUGHING]

If my body were Poland,
my ass would be Krakow.

[ALL LAUGHING]

He may be blocked,
but he needs to do something.

It's not good for him to sit up
in that room all day.

He's a writer,
what do you expect him to do?

You know Mary Higgins Clark?
She writes a novel a year.

- Really?
- I can tell

when people are productive.

He's not being productive
up there.

Yeah, maybe you should send him
to Ellis, Bob.

I mean...

Ellis is always looking
for help.

- [MARV] What about roughage?
- [ALAN] What about roughage?

- You're a dentist.
- It'll get him unblocked.

[ALL LAUGHING]

[PAN SIZZLING]

He didn't do one thing
on the list.

He's been up there working.

You haven't seen him at all?

Well, he came down
a couple of times

to get stuff in the fridge,

and then once he was
looking around for something.

He needs to eat.

Where are my diet cream sodas?

Oh, give him a break.
I can get you more soda.

[BOB] Nate?

- Nate?
- [CONNIE] Look,

I'm gonna go to rehearsal.

You can stay here,
I made you some nice stir fry.

Have a goodnight.
I'll see you later.

- [NATE] What's up?
- Good news.

I found you a job.
You start tomorrow morning.

Come on, dad, don't start
that shit, I'm busy.

You've been working on that play
four years,

that's your business,

but you are not going to sit up
in my guest room,

eat my food,
and drink my diet cream sodas

while you write that play
for another four.

- When am I supposed to write?
- You can write in the evening.

Or early in the morning.

Mary Higgins Clark

would get up at 5:00 a.m.
to write,

and then take her kids
to school.

- Mary Higgins who?
- Don't be such a snob.

You should only be so successful
as Mary Higgins Clark.

Tomorrow morning,
you're going to meet Ellis,

9:00 a.m. at the club house.

You'll like him,
he's a lovely fellow.

- You must be Nate.
- Yeah.

Do you know where we can get
some coffee around here?

Tuck in your shirt, son.

[SCOFFS]

Oh, why?

Because your gonna have
some pride in yourself

if you're going to work with me.

This is ridiculous.

Your old man was right.

He said you didn't have
the fortitude to hold the job.

[INHALES]

Before we begin...

let's do a quick reconnaissance
of the HQ.

[ELLIS] First up,
the berry ballroom,

a multi-purpose room equipped
with an upright piano,

and a parquet dance floor.

[PIANO PLAYING]

It's currently configured
for guest lecture.

A mess hall.

Serving breakfast, lunch
and Wednesday smorgasbord.

[ALL LAUGHING]

Combination bar-cafe with Wi-Fi
for Skyping with grandchildren.

So you don't like pizza?

[ELLIS] Driving range,
with an 18 hole golf course,

an indoor pool.

Bathing caps required.

[WHISTLING]

Locker rooms, featuring a sauna,

a steam room,
and massage facilities.

Those really big balls...

and all the other gym equipment.

And of course,

my domain.

A physical plant.

This is where you're going
to work.

Here in the bowl?

This isn't the bowl, son.
It's the guts.

Fold it in thirds,

and then...

once over.

- Got it?
- Am I getting paid for this?

I believe you father
has garnished your wages

in lieu of rent.

Fold!

[BOB] Did I ever tell you
about the time

Zimmerman joined the marines?

He was in basic training.

Have you been up
to the tower jump yet?

- No, you?
- Yeah.

[BOB] But he was afraid
of heights.

So he was scared, terrified.

Nope! Can't.

I can't, No, no, no. I can't.

- What you think you're doing?
- I can't do it.

- You can and you will.
- I can't, I'm too scared.

I'll come back another day.

How about Tuesday?

You are jumping,
you're gonna jump now,

do you understand?
Because if you do not jump,

I'm going to come over there,
and as uncle Sam as my witness,

I am going to fuck you
right up the ass!

So... [PANTING]

did you jump?

- A little at first.
- [ALL LAUGHING]

- Don't you love him, Alan?
- [ALAN] Absolutely.

Nate! Nate! Come here.
You just missed a great one.

Dad, can I talk to you?

Wanna join us for lunch?
Your brother is here.

I see that.
Can I talk to you, dad?

[BOB] Well,
don't you wanna join us?

They've got French dip today.

He's got me folding towels.

I've been folding towels
all morning.

You must be getting good at it.

Dad,
I'm an award-winning playwright.

I'm open to other ideas.

Do you want me to ask Randy
if he needs some help?

You want me to work
for my little brother?

I'm just thinking out loud.

What skills do you have?

[SIGHS]

How do you think folding towels
is gonna get me back on my feet

as a playwright?

I think you have a problem
with discipline.

That's ridiculous. I'm more
disciplined than anyone.

Well, then working for Ellis
should be a breeze.

Oh, so that's it?

Nate, what's going on
with that upper-left molar?

Nothing.

What's wrong
with your upper-left molar?

- [ALL LAUGHING]
- [RANDY KROLL] Nate!

Hey! Hey.

Hey, Nate. Hey, hey, wait up.

Well, not going so well
with dad?

What do you think?

All right, um...

Can I offer you
just a little advice?

Look, as you know, I've...

had some professional success.

And you know why that is?

Because you laughed
at dad's jokes

and he gave you his business.

Dad didn't give me his business,
Nate, I had a vision, okay?

I saw "Homes by Bob..."

becoming "Homes by Randy".

You see? I made my vision
a reality.

- You get what I'm saying?
- Yes.

You want a gold star
for realizing

mediocre ambitions?

Bravo, well done.
Mission accomplished.

Why do just... just belittle me?

Okay? I'm trying to give you
a visualization strategy here.

I'm successful, Nate,
I'm worth listening to.

Is that Gilbert and Sullivan?

[PIANO PLAYING]

Hey, Nate.

- Hey.
- [CONNIE] Welcome. Welcome.

- To the Cranberry Bog Players.
- [BOTH CHUCKLE]

We're getting ready
for our next show.

Oh, this is Dee, and Helen,
and Gert,

and that's Dee's daughter
Allison at the piano.

Oh.

Yeah. The Mikado, right?
I... I heard the... the music.

- Nate is in theater.
- Oh.

I am the costume
and set designer.

Oh, are you going
traditional Japanese,

or something more contemporary?

Uh...

traditional.

- I think.
- [NATE] You know, apparently

the legend is, uh, that Gilbert
had the idea for The Mikado

when a Japanese sword fell off
the wall of his office.

- Oh. That's fascinating.
- [CONNIE CHUCKLES]

- Did you hear that, Allison?
- Yeah.

- [DEE] Isn't that fascinating?
- Yes, it's fascinating.

My cousin Clara is in theater.
You know her?

Uh...

- I don't think so.
- She's a big shot.

Everyone who's anyone knows her.

Kroll.

I've been surveying
the entire compound for you.

[SIGHS]

Good day, Mrs. Stangle.

Good day, Mr. Hicks.

If you'll excuse us.
[WHISPERING] Come on.

Excuse us.

[CHUCKLES]

[ELLIS] Where is that pride?
Don't you care at all

- about what you do?
- [NATE] You have a little thing

for the white haired one, Helen,
don't you?

I have tremendous respect
for Mrs. Stangle,

- as I do for all the fairer sex.
- Mm-hmm.

[CHUCKLES]

Listen, man.

I don't expect this
to mean a lot to you but, uh...

[CLEARS THROAT] I went
to Harvard, and I have a Masters

from the Iowa creative writing
program.

Isn't there something
more appropriate

I could be doing around here?

[MARV CHUCKLES] Hey.
Nate, how are you?

[MARV] Woohoo!

Hey, Nate.

You should really let me look
in that mouth of yours.

[NATE SIGHS]

Mm-mm.

I understand that you wrote
a wonderful play,

A Crack in the Clouds.

Some people liked it.

Is there any way I can get
to see it?

Hmm. Dad had it on video,
I think.

Oh, wonderful.
Bob, where is the video?

I haven't seen it for a while.

Mm.

Mm.

Would you guys excuse me
for a minute?

Where is he going?

He likes to go potter
in the garage.

In the middle of dinner?

Sometimes.

[MACHINE ROARING]

Dad?

What's up?

What are you doing in here?

What's that noise?

- Do you smell Mexican food?
- No.

No, no.

[MACHINE BEEPING]

Your suitcase is beeping.

Yeah.

Dad, you're not supposed to eat
that stuff, Connie told me.

- Glass houses.
- Glass houses?

You don't look so fit yourself.
You could lose a few pounds.

- Do you even exercise?
- Don't make this about me.

I power walk.

Why don't you come power walk
with me one day?

- It'll do you good.
- Have you seen

what people look like
when they power walk?

[SIGHS]

I've been moping the floors
of the locker rooms today, dad.

Is that what you want,
to have me humiliated?

Isn't is enough
that I'm living here with you?

That my wife has left me?

This is not
about public humiliation.

If it were you'd still be
a mile ahead of me.

I'm just trying to help you.
Believe me.

I didn't pay for you to go
to Harvard to mop floors.

You could've just
as easily gone

to the state school
to mop floors.

[SIGHS]

- This was mom's?
- Yeah, yeah. I think so.

Well, her name's on it.

So you kept her suitcase...

but you threw away
the priceless memento

- from Pompeii.
- That thing couldn't have cost

more than ten bucks
at the tchotchke store.

So you do remember it.

Yeah, yeah. I remember.

I didn't realize
it was so significant.

[INDISTINCT TV COMMENTARY]

They're winning seven-two.
Ninth inning.

But watch, they will find a way
to blow it.

This closer is horrible.

- [NATE] Who are they playing?
- Philly.

Remember how you used to hate
the Phillies?

You went crazy when they traded
Dykstra and McDowell for that...

What the hell
was that guy's name?

- Juan Samuel.
- Juan Samuel.

That was a horrible trade.

This is good.

[DOOR SHUTS]

[SNIFFING]

Someone's smoking pot.

[SIGHS]

Hawaiian Skunk?

Purple Haze.

I never have pegged you
for a pothead.

You want to join me?

I never touched this stuff.

I was a good Catholic girl.

I only started smoking when...

I had to do the chemo.

I mean, it really works well,
you know...

with the nausea.

You did chemotherapy?

Yeah. I had breast cancer.

Nothing like your mother
went through.

I guess I was lucky,

but it didn't seem so
at that time, you know?

Anyway, that's, um...

that's how I met your dad.

He was volunteering
at the hospital,

and every day he would come,
and...

[CHUCKLES] Oh, God,
he would tell me these jokes,

and I would laugh and laugh,
and...

[SIGHS]

I think he saved my life.

- He volunteers at the hospital?
- Yeah. Every Tuesday.

Anyway, that's why, you know,
I've been trying to get him

to eat better because...

you know, I feel
like I owe him one.

And I know

that he sneaks junk food
in the garage.

- He won't change.
- You're probably right.

- You remind me of him.
- [COUGHING]

[LAUGHING] No, no, I mean
in a good way. In a good way.

Those ladies today
were very impressed with you.

- The Cranberry Bog Players?
- Yeah.

Well, that's very nice.

Why don't you come direct
a show?

No, no. I could probably get you
a small stipend and...

Look I know writing
is your thing,

but God, we would be
so thrilled to have you.

Oh, God.
We need leadership.

Please.

[GABE] Daddy?

Daddy?

Are you listening?

Mm-hmm.

You're acting weird.

I was just thinking
that when you talk,

your mouth looks
just like your mommy's.

At least, how I remember
your mommy's mouth used to look

when she used to talk to me.

Daddy, are you all right?

I miss you, Gabe.

We need to get going,
we're invited

to a command performance

at the royal ballet
in Monte Carlo.

All right, sweetie.

That's one terrific look, Nate.
Like...

Buddy Hackett gone to seed.

Are you even getting
any work done there?

- Yes.
- What?

It just so happens,
they've asked me

to direct The Mikado.

Who... who wants you to direct?

- The Cranberry Bog Players.
- The what?

The Theatre Troupe
here at the community.

- The old people?
- Some of them

- are late middle-aged, actually.
- [LAUGHS] Oh, my God, Nate,

are you joking?

The idea is to get back
in the game,

not to hang up your jersey.

[DOOR KNOCKING]

- What?
- Power walk?

[ELLIS] Have you ever heard
of the Korean war?

Yeah. I have. Yeah.

I never know
with you young people.

Let me guess,
you were in Korea?

Incheon, Busan, Seoul.

Even pushed across the 38th.

Greatest time of my life.

Every young man should go
to war. See the world.

I learned a lot
from those bucket heads.

Yeah, uh,
people don't really say

"bucket heads" anymore.

They should.

- Ever seen a Korean's head?
- It's a little bit racist.

You're gonna tell me
about racist?

I saw a less racism
from those bucket heads

than from my fellow marines.

Orientals, if you prefer.

Here's my point,

the Koreans have a philosophy
about mundane business.

You get inside the task.

Make it less about the goal,
and more about the process.

Maybe that's why their gals
are so good at fellatio.

Don't mention that last bit
to Mrs. Stangle.

I knew it. You have a thing
for Helen, don't you?

She's kind of a silver fox,
that one. Kinda...

kinda old-lady-hot.

I've got dibs on her.

You understand?

If I catch you anywhere
near her,

I will crush your windpipe,
believe me,

I could still kick
your lame ass.

Oh, whoa. Take it easy.
I'm married, okay?

She's all yours.

Wow.

Wait, Ellis. Ellis. Ellis.
What do you mean

about getting inside
the process?

What? Hell.

What, they'd let anyone
in Harvard?

There's a lot of crappy jobs,
you see?

Somebody's got to shovel shit.

In America, the shit shoveler
sits there grumbling

that he's too good
to shovel shit.

That every shovel full of shit
is a personal upfront

to who he ought to be,
what he was born to be.

Now, in Asia it's different.

The shit shoveler
just tries to be

the best shit shoveler
he can be.

And when he gets home,
he's proud.

He can wash his hands
thoroughly,

look his wife in the eye,

and be satisfied with the day
of honest work.

What if I don't want to be
a shit shoveler?

You're not!

You're a towel-folder.
Be happy!

Shoveling shit stinks.

Well, I'm not a goddamn
towel folder either.

Oh, you're right about that!

I've never seen
a worse towel folder.

In fact, you're fired.

[ALLISON] I Googled you.

You were kinda hot shit once.

Well, thank you for qualifying
that statement,

because I was afraid of getting
a big hit.

I didn't mean it like that.

My mom has this crazy idea

that you're gonna
come help them with the play.

Why is it so crazy?
You're helping them.

Yeah, but that's different.

Why?

Well, I don't have
any other options.

As a starting point,

I thought we could have
a theoretical conversation

about what Gilbert and Sullivan
were trying to do

with The Mikado.

- By setting the play in Japan...
- [DEE] What are you doing?

What are you digging around
in that purse? What's in there?

- An opportunity...
- [DEE] I would appreciate it,

if you don't roll those eyes
at me.

I got a responsibility here.

So sorry. Go ahead.

You know, let's forget theory.

Let's start with the basics.

How far have you all gotten
so far?

Well, we...

we have definitely decided
that we are doing The Mikado,

but maybe just
the "Three Little Maids" number,

- maybe not the whole thing.
- It's very long.

I wanted to do "Brigadoon",
it's so romantic.

I played Meg in Summer Stock.

I would've preferred to see you
in chicken stock.

[HELEN] The Racine Journal Times

called my performance
"hypnotic".

- You made them very sleepy.
- [HELEN] Yeah.

Oh, now, this a clipping
from 1977?

But look at the picture.

[GABE SPEAKING IN FRENCH]

Oh, yeah. It's big.

So, Gabe, what are you doing
over there? Are you doing camp?

- Are you doing swim lessons?
- [GABE] I'm doing swimming.

I can jump in the water,
swim underwater, and cannonball.

You know, grandpa taught me
how to cannonball.

You know how to cannonball,
daddy?

Oh, yeah.
Just a little out of practice.

Okay, we're gonna try
an improv activity

called "Martian, lion, pig",

and everybody chooses
a creature, uh,

either a Martian, like this,
"beep-boop",

or a lion. [ROARS]

Or a pig.

[SNORTS]

Does everybody understand
so far?

Roar.

No, Gert,
I'm still explaining it.

- Gert...
- I could...

take her place.

Thank you. Please.

Okay, now I'm gonna countdown
from three,

and, uh, then everybody chooses
what creature they wanna be,

and we'll see how long it takes

until we all choose
the same thing.

Three.

Two.

One.

[MIMICKING ANIMALS]

Okay. Let's try again.
You're missing out, Gert.

Three, two, one.

[MIMICKING ANIMALS]

[ALLISON] Mind if I join you?

Oh, uh, yeah. Please.

Nigel is a surprisingly talented
barista.

So...

are you happy
with your first rehearsal?

I'm concentrating on process.

- Oh.
- [HELEN] Oh.

Check it out.

[ELLIS CHUCKLES]

- [ELLIS] Cappuccino?
- [HELEN] Okay.

[ALLISON] I'm actually here
on a mission.

My mom would like you
to come over for dinner tonight.

Mm. Uh, I don't think so.

Dude, I eat alone with my mom
every night.

Is dinner at your dad's
really a party

that you can't miss?

Don't look now, but I think

Helen is sort of making
goo-goo eyes at me.

No, I don't think so.

So, what do you say? Dinner?

- [NATE SIGHS]
- [ALLISON] Come on, come on.

Lasagna.

- Okay.
- Okay!

Hang in there, buddy.
It could be worse.

They could be doing
Starlight Express.

I'll see you at seven.

Later tonight, Joe.

[DOOR LOCKING]

I just wanted a moment alone
with you. I hope you don't mind.

Uh, actually I'm just...

You know,
it is absolutely fabulous

- that you've come on board.
- Thank you, Helen.

- I'll just wash my hands.
- You are so talented.

Oh. No, I'm not sure you can...
you can tell...

I'm a connoisseur
of talented men.

- Oh.
- I just want you to know,

if you ever need me to audition,
or to run lines,

or to do
another improv exercise...

I'm around.

Let's just say...

my door is always...

open.

[DOOR KNOCKING]

Stop me
if you've heard this one.

- Come in.
- [BOB] Zimmerman goes

to the doctor
and the doctor says,

"I don't know
how to tell you this,

but you've got
to stop masturbating."

I've heard it.

"So I can examine you."
That one?

Yes, I've heard it.

Gee, I... I forget
who I tell them to.

Um...

Ellis told me that he fired you.

Uh, yes, but, dad,
here's the thing...

Connie explained
that you're helping the ladies

with their show.

That's very good.

I'm sorry I didn't think
of that.

It's far more appropriate.

Are you going somewhere?

[DOORBELL RINGS]

- [ALLISON] Oh, look at you.
- [DEE] Who is that?

Who's here?

It's my drug dealer, mom.

You want anything
while he's here.

[DEE] Not funny. Not funny.
Hi. Come on in. Come on in.

I'm glad you're here.

- [ALLISON] I'll take that.
- Okay.

Thank you.

Sit... sit down.

And let me pour you
a glass of wine.

You there.

Yeah, that's perfect.

That's a nice Chianti.

And start with that lasagna,
it's hot and nice right now...

Well, everything is hot,
you know, that's...

yeah, just go ahead.

Hey, do you want
some cranberry juice, honey?

- Yeah, please.
- Okay, it's in the fridge.

[DEE] So...

okay...

here we are. Oh, goodness,
I forgot something.

Uh... [CHUCKLES]

I just remembered.
You guys just eat and...

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[ENGINE STARTING]

She's up to something.

[ALLISON CHUCKLES]

You know, if you wanted
to have dinner with me,

you could've just asked.

- No need for this charade.
- Mm-hmm.

So...

tell me what's wrong with you,
again?

The short version,
my wife left me

and took our son,

and I had no place else to go.

What happened?

I think when you fall in love
with someone...

you're partially falling in love

with the person they are
at that moment,

and partially with the person
you hoped they would become.

Maybe I let her down
in that regard.

She kind of gave up
on the potential me.

- So, what's wrong with you?
- Well...

you see how my mom is with food?
Um...

Well, that's how I am
with a few other things.

Specifically, vodka and cocaine.

[CHUCKLES] I was in band
and we were...

on the road an awful lot,
and I think I just took things

a little too far.

I got arrested.

But I traded jail time
for rehab,

and Dee is my halfway house.

I am quite literally a prisoner
of Cranberry Bog.

- Oh, my God, that's so horrible.
- [ALLISON CHUCKLES]

Uh...

So you're kind of like
a bad girl?

Well... [CHUCKLES]

I wouldn't say that, I mean,
I did drive a mean Harley,

but, no. I'm really a musician.

I wouldn't mind teaching piano
to kids.

Something like that.

I think once I serve my time
with Dee,

I'll go to Seattle or something
and start over.

- Why Seattle?
- Um...

Can't get much further
from New Jersey.

My door is always open.

Hey. I called my cousin Clara
to see if she knows you.

She's so important,
she doesn't take anyone's call.

When Neil Simon calls,
she says, "I'll call him back."

Stephen Sondheim calls,
she says, "I'll call him back."

But when her cousin Gert calls,

that call she takes.

[NATE] What's she saying?

She's gonna call me back.

Okay, well, let me know.

Everybody gather around,
I've worked out the casting

for our number.

Now, all the parts
are good parts.

So let's not get too hung up
on this,

especially since we're
only doing one number.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Dee...

will play Yum-Yum.
That's a soprano part,

and this isn't operetta, and...

she's the closest.
Helen...

will play Peep-Bo.

That's a mezzo.

And, Gert,
you can play Pitti-Sing.

That's a mezzo also, but, uh,
you can sing it however you do.

I don't sing.

Gert, why do you always have
to be so negative?

Nothing negative about it,
I don't sing.

Nate...

may I speak to you outside?

Helen, what's going on?

Helen, are you crying?

You never even gave me a chance.

Oh.

Peep-Bo is a very good part.
We're only doing one number.

I don't care about that.

[NATE] Oh. So, uh...

what are we talking about?

Nate...

I'm not a fool.

- I know I'm old.
- No, no, you're not.

- I am.
- You're not.

I am.

But when a lady says her door
is open,

a polite gentleman
can at least...

Oh, I see.

- Of course.
- Oh, it's settled then?

Drinks at my place.
I'll see you at eight.

Now let's rehearse.

We've got a show to do.

Ready, ladies?

Everything is a source of fun

[PIANO PLAYING]

Nobody's safe
For we care for none

[SPEAKING] Life is a joke
that's just begun.

Life is a joke
That's just begun

[SPEAKING] Life is a joke
that's just begun.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[DOOR OPENS]

What do you think? Hmm?

For The Mikado.

It's Japanese.
I'm going to show Connie.

Oh.

Great idea.

Come in. I got some sake.
[CHUCKLES]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

I like my sake cold.

And my men warm.

I wanna show you something,
Nate.

That's Pablo Robles.

He was in the import/export
business.

I think he might've been
a drug dealer as well.

Have you ever heard
of a courtesan?

Hmm.

That is Notin Shre.

He was in the Burmese
governing junta.

We were lovers for five years.

I've spent my life
as a courtesan.

I've traveled the world
as the guest of...

powerful married men.

I generally saw a side
of these men,

that for one reason or another,
they couldn't show their wives

or the world.

The side of them
that was scared to fail.

Or succeed for that matter.

The side...

that lacked confidence.

I see.

You could use some confidence,
Nate.

You think so?

Oh, yes.

I know about these things.

Oh, Ellis really like you.

Did you know...
did you know that?

I mean, it's obvious to me.
[CLEARS THROAT]

But he's so old.

Yeah, he's kinda old.

But he's, uh, very devoted,
and...

surprisingly fit.

Uh...

And he... you know what,
he thinks the world of you.

Maybe it's time
you let someone else

take care of you.

[SIGHS]
I'll see you at rehearsal.

Oh, Ellis.

- I told you she was mine.
- Oh, no, no...

- I told you I had dibs.
- It's not what it looks like.

Nate.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Oh. Hi, Ellis.

Think you're fooling me?

[ELLIS] You think
you're gonna get away?

I'll get you! Oh!

[HUFFING]

[NATE] He saw me
coming out of Helen's,

I... you know, she was...
she gave me sake, she had...

- What are you talking about?
- Ellis is chasing me.

He's gonna crush my windpipe.

Do you have another helmet?

Not much muscle under the hood.

Yeah, well, I figure I'd go
power walking with my dad.

[CHUCKLES] It's a Vespa.

- [ELLIS] Got him now!
- [NATE] There he is.

Shit. All right. Hold on.

[SCREAMS]

[ELLIS] Come on, Kroll.

I know you're hiding somewhere.

I just want to talk!

Kroll, take it like a man!

[WHISPERS] He thinks
I was hitting on his girl.

Oh, is that your thing?
You're a granny banger?

I bang a lot of grannies, yeah.
I do.

I mean, no... but seriously,
she's a very attractive woman.

And... and, uh, I'm not...

I don't think you're a dick
for not wanting to stick it

to an 80-year-old.

Thank you.
You're very understanding,

- and I appreciate it.
- [CHUCKLES]

[SIGHS]

Would you read a play
I've been working on?

- Well, I'm more of a music girl.
- But you're smart.

And not to be overly pathetic,

but I think you might be
my only friend right now.

But which Nate wants
to be friends,

you or the potential you?

Both.

Sure, I'll read it.

I'm outnumbered.

- [NATE] Where are you?
- Geneva.

Henri decided to go to India
on a trip, so we came here.

- That's a bore.
- Are you drinking wine in bed?

I'm in Europe,
it's not that weird.

- Yeah?
- Everything's great, Nate.

I'm building Henri's collection,
I've got a blank check.

It's every art-doer's dream.

Talk to your son.

- Hi, daddy.
- Hi, sweetheart.

- Are you smiling?
- Am I?

Yeah. Yeah.

I had a nice evening, I guess,
and I'm glad to see you.

- Daddy.
- Yeah?

Can you bark like a sea lion?

[CLEARS THROAT]

[MIMICKING SEA LION]

[KNOCKING ON THE WALL]

[BOB]
I'm trying to sleep.

- [SOFTLY MIMICS SEA LION]
- [LAUGHING]

[DOOR KNOCKING]

Yeah.

Power walk?

Yeah.

[PANTING]

[PANTING]

So, Zimmerman is seeing
his doctor,

and he's got a carrot
in one nostril,

a string bean
in the other nostril,

and asparagus spear in one ear,

and a piece on celery
in the other.

And the doctor says,
"I don't think

you're eating properly."

Dad, that is never going
to be funny.

Other people think I'm funny.

They're wrong.

Dad.

I'm thinking of taking a ride
out to mom's grave later.

You wanna come?

That's okay. You can go.

Don't you miss mom?

You know which story
reminds me most of mom?

Dad, can we just talk,
does it have to be a joke?

It's the one where Zimmerman
is alone

shipwrecked on a desert island,

and all he's got with him
is a fishing rod and a dog...

and a sheep.

He has everything he needs
to survive.

But he's lonely.

Very lonely.

The sheep is starting
to look better and better.

But the dog...

- will have none of it.
- [ZIMMERMAN YELPS]

[SHEEP BLEATING]

- [ZIMMERMAN YELPS]
- [SHEEP BLEATING]

- [DOG BARKING]
- [ZIMMERMAN YELPS]

[BOB] Zimmerman is lonelier
than ever.

But one day he notices
something odd

out on the horizon.

- See that?
- [DOG BARKING]

I owe you my life.

I would be dead
if it weren't for you.

I would do anything.

Absolutely anything
to repay you.

Anything?

You name it.

Absolutely anything.

Will you take the dog
for a walk?

What does that have to do
with mom?

Well, you know,
I... I never liked

breaking the jokes down
too much.

That pseudo intellectual stuff

just takes
all the joy out of it.

It's funny that the guy
would rather schtup the sheep

than the beautiful young girl.

That's enough for me, but mom...

when mom would hear
that story...

- do you know what she'd say?
- What?

There's no explaining love.

[CLEARS THROAT]

[SIGHS]

Okay. All right.
Just get it over with.

Not the windpipe though, please.
Not... not the windpipe.

You were just gonna take it?

Don't you have any fight in you?

I do.

I have fight in me.

I spoke to Mrs. Stangle.

I don't know what you said.

But thank you.

One, two three, four,
five, six, seven, eight.

Fan snap.

Three little maids
From school are we

Pert as a school-girl
Well can be

Filled to the brim
With girlish glee

Three little maids from school

- Every...
- Yeah, stop. Yeah.

That was... that was...

Yeah.

- You've come such a long way.
- [HELEN] You know, I think

Gert did her fan part
at the wrong time.

At least I could keep a husband.

Oh, uh, ladies, let's not...

Let's break for today
and tomorrow.

We'll work on the next section.

Yeah. We're gonna get it now.
We...

We're gonna get it there!
Woo!

We'll never ever get it there.

- Uh-huh.
- Better read that.

- Script?
- Yeah.

Actually, maybe I should
do some more work on it.

- [ALLISON] No, no.
- No, I'll do more work...

- No, no, no.
- I can tweak it.

- No tweaks.
- I could just tweak it.

- [CHUCKLES] No don't. No tweaks.
- Okay.

Thanks.

["BE OK"
BY INGRID MICHAELSON PLAYS]

[GERT SCREAMS]

[CHEERING]

Open the glove box.

Pass me El Caballero Caliente.
[CHUCKLES]

- [NATE] Which one is it?
- It's that one, it's green.

Here.

How is going with Dee,
and those guys?

[SIGHS] To be honest,

they're never gonna be
very good.

But, uh...

I think ladies are
actually enjoying themselves.

But for me,
I just wanna finish it.

Just finish something.

Connie is worried about you,
you know?

Your health. She knows
about your little garage visits.

- I figured.
- Well, then why the rules?

Why not just eat
what you want inside your house?

I don't wanna hurt
Connie's feelings.

She's trying to take care of me.

But I just don't like
that rabbit food.

This stuff is gonna kill you.

Zimmerman goes to see his
doctor,

doctor says, "Zimmerman, you got
six months to live."

Zimmerman says,
"I want a second opinion."

The doctor says,
"Okay, that's an ugly haircut."

So I'll check food
and your health off the list

of things you're willing
to actually discuss.

Dad...

what happened to all of
mom's stuff from the old house?

I mean, it's as if,
she never even existed.

Maybe check that off your list
as well.

Which... what part is this again?

Come on, ladies, you wanted
to do The Mikado.

You.

Opening night is approaching
and we're not gonna be ready.

[DEE] Why don't we just start
over from the beginning?

- My bunions hurt.
- Your bunions,

your sciatica.
It's always something.

[GERT] Well, maybe
if I was getting schtupped

right, left and sideways
by the ancient married men,

I wouldn't complain so much.

This is gonna be embarrassing.

I don't know how to make
it work.

I mean, this could either be
cute, or it could be sad.

And it's teetering.

It's teetering
right on the edge.

- [HELEN] Oh, really?
- [CONNIE] Hey, ladies.

Look what I found on eBay.

Nate's play.
A Crack in the Clouds.

- [HELEN] Oh.
- We're gonna have a screening.

Oh, no. I don't think
that's a great idea.

Don't be silly.
It's a wonderful play.

Did you just say something nice?

I have high standards.

Doesn't mean
I don't like anything.

- [DEE] Where's Bob?
- He's playing golf.

- Should we wait for him?
- No.

I mean, he's... he's seen it.

Oh, okay.

- [DEE] Oh, I know her.
- [CONNIE] Who is she?

That's the, um... yeah,
that's the woman from...

Pancreas?

That's a body part?

I thought it was a train station
in London.

[GERT AND HELEN LAUGHING]

- I don't get it. I don't get it.
- I don't get it either.

It's just funny.

[SIGHS] Well,
I played like crap.

What happened to you?
It's four o'clock,

I was expecting you at two.

[SCOFFS] That reminds me
of a story.

Greenberg gets home
from playing golf late,

and his wife is angry.
Did I ever tell you that one?

- Richard, we have to talk.
- Sure.

Of course.

Greenberg comes home
and his wife says,

"Where have you been?"
and Greenberg says,

You're not gonna believe this."

Honey.

He says, "I was driving home
from the club,

and I see a woman
with a flat tire

on the side of the road, well,
naturally, I pull over

to see if I can offer her
some assistance."

I can feel myself going
with her.

"After I changed the tire
the woman says to me,

'It's hot.
Could I buy you a cool drink?'"

Richard, will you please
listen to me?

Well, one drink."

I never liked that joke.

I never would've told that joke
to your mother.

What difference does it make?

That made you feel good?

Having the whole world
look at that?

That's your idea of talent?

I guess it was my way of dealing
with mom dying.

You never dealt with it.

You cracked jokes
at her funeral.

You threw away
everything she owned.

How about I deal with things
the way I want to?

Why don't you figure out
your own life?

You're 40 years old!

What are you doing
in my guest room?

Isn't that what you should be
thinking about?

My whole life, every time
I've tried to speak to you

about something,
you told me a joke.

You wonder why I was closer
to mom?

She used to listen.

You never listened to anything.

The only reason why I became
a writer in the first place,

was to try and get someone
to listen.

That play was about mom dying.

Mom dying.

A lot of people were moved
by it.

I was supposed to have
a very bright future.

[SIGHS]

Everybody said so.

You never even said one word.

Because it hurt me.

[SIGHS]

You're right,
I don't belong here

in your guest room.
I'm not a guest.

I'm just your son.

[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]

Are you going somewhere?

Yeah.

I don't think I can be here
anymore.

Where will you go?

[SIGHS]

- What about The Mikado?
- You guys will be fine.

I've taken it as far
as I can anyway.

Oh, so you're just gonna quit?

It's not about The Mikado,
okay, Connie?

No, not okay.

You're letting down
a lot of people.

I just can't be here anymore.

I need to figure out someway
to start over.

You know, wherever you go,
there you are.

That's something
that my mother used to say.

Well,
that's a depressing thought.

Do you know where my dad is?

[CONNIE] Bob!

Bob!

Bob!

Bob?

[DOOR SHUTS]

My arm feels really funny.

Really, dad? Now?

Dad?

[MACHINE BEEPING]

What did you do to him?

Are you saying,
"What did you do to him?", like,

what did you do to him
to make him have a heart attack?

Clearly.

Fuck you.

Fuck me? Fuck you!

I don't believe you.

You know, it's one thing to have
lofty ambitions

if you can
actually see them through,

and maybe I'm not some
fancy New York City playwright,

but at least I can make a deal.

If I couldn't,
I... I couldn't feed my family.

Oh, that's right, I forgot.
You can't feed your family.

[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]

Hi.

Hi.

What the doctor say?

They still don't know
if there's any brain injury

that's resulted
the heart attack, induced coma.

They're supposed to give
his brain a chance to heal,

he should come out of it
in the next day or two.

And they will see.

I'll give you some space.

[CONNIE] Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.

[SIGHS]

Your father asked me
to give this to you...

if anything ever happened
to him.

I'm sorry.

No, you were right.

I meant about the feeding
your family thing.

Oh, yeah.

That was kinda harsh.

I'm sorry.

I always thought
you were the jackass.

But, I was the one
who didn't get it.

Well, it's gonna happen
whether you smile or not.

Might as well try to smile.

[BABY WHIMPERS]

Do you know dad has
a storage space for mom's stuff?

Really?

- [RANDY] Everything?
- Yeah. Everything.

So... any of our stuff?

Yeah, uh,
all your little league trophies.

- [RANDY CHUCKLES]
- Tickets stubs from Met's games.

- [RANDY SIGHS]
- The board game we invented.

[BOTH] Warming our way
through the big apple.

No way.

I didn't realize he cared
about any of that.

Yeah.

Here.

Check it out.

Oh.

Um...

You know what, you should...
you should come over...

later... whatever... sometime.

Just to hang out with the kids.

Yeah, sure.

Which one is this?

No clue.

How's your dad?

[NATE] Uh.

Hard to say.

Connie said you were quitting
the show.

[NATE] Yeah. I was
just thinking of taking off,

but now that my dad is a mess,
I don't know what I'll do.

I don't know what to do
with that number anyway.

So that's what it's about?

Fear of failing?

You... you know we're talking
about The Cranberry Bog Players,

- right?
- Listen, Allison,

my wife left me, my kid is gone.

My mom is dead,
and my dad is in a coma.

I just don't think
"Three Little Maids"

is the most important thing
right now.

I know.

You giving up
is the most important thing.

I read Pompeii.

- Oh, yeah?
- I thought it was beautiful.

And sad.

And almost finished.

So, why don't you finish it?

I'll tell you something...

I don't think it was your wife

who gave up
on the potential you.

I just think it was you.

You seem lost.

How can I help you?

I understand you can

- contact the dead.
- I do have the gift.

Of course, the deceased
must be open to it.

I lost my father recently,

and I'd like to speak to him
if it's possible.

Hold my hand.

Immortal souls. Immortal souls!

Grant us entry.

Mister...

- Zimmerman.
- Mr. Zimmerman

needs to speak with his father.

Let him speak to his father.

Yes?

Dad?

Dad?

Is that you?

It is.

It's me.

- Hello, my son.
- Dad. Dad.

You went to suddenly,

there's so much I wanted
to tell you.

How are you?
How is it where you are?

Oh, son, it's wonderful,
wonderful!

Every morning I wake up
and have a little breakfast,

then I have sex.
Then I take a nap,

then I have lunch.
Then I have sex.

Then I take a little nap,
then I have dinner,

have sex, go to bed.
Every day is like this.

- It's wonderful.
- [CHUCKLES] Oh, dad.

Dad, I'm so happy! You made it!

You're in heaven.

Heaven? What heaven?

I'm a bull in Montana.

Dad?

You won't believe this.

I told him a joke and I think
he smiled a little.

I don't believe it.

You told him a joke?

You know any jokes?

Yeah.

Um...

These two old ladies
are talking...

one says, "Oh, dear God,
it's Friday, I hate Friday."

So the other lady says,
"Why do you hate Friday?"

The first lady says,
"Because on Friday,

my husband
always brings me flowers."

So the other lady says,
"What's wrong with that?"

So, the first lady says,

"When my husband
brings me flowers,

I always end up on my back
with my legs in the air."

So the other lady says,
"What, you don't have a vase?"

Look. Oh, God.
[SIGHS]

Dad?

Dad?

What did the doctor say?

He said you've got
to stop masturbating.

So he can examine you.

How's Bob doing today?

Good. He walked down the hall,
had all the nurses in stitches.

[SIGHS]

I don't think he's lost
a single punchline.

He actually gave me an idea.

Can I come in?

[RANDY] How about...
about over here?

It seems like a good spot.
Can you help with the...

All right, it's fine,
you just... Thank you.

Why would I have three?

What the hell is C.C. Rudin
doing here?

My cousin Clara!

I told you she was a big deal.

- Oh, my God. Jesus Christ...
- Oh, no, no. Don't worry.

Don't worry, I'm gonna sing.

Just for you.

Great. Great.

[CROWD WHISPERING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Three little maids from school
Are we

Pert as a school-girl
Well can be

Filled to the brim
With girlish glee

Three little maids from school

Everything is a source of fun

[CHUCKLING]

Nobody's safe
For we care for none

[CHUCKLING]

Life is a joke
That's just begun

What did you say, Pitti-Sing?

Life is a joke
That's just begun

That's what I though you said.

[CROWD LAUGHING]

- Tell me, Peep-Bo.
- Yes, Yum-Yum?

Have you been
to the market lately?

I remember when we used to go
to the green grocer,

and I could get a cucumber.

This long and that thick,
for a nickel.

You are not kidding.

And onions are so small
these days.

I used to get a pair of onions
this big for a penny a piece.

I can't hear a word
you two are saying.

But I remember that guy.

[CROWD LAUGHING]

Three little maids
Who all unwary

Come from a ladies' seminary

Freed from its genius tutelary

Three little maids from school

Three little maids from school

- Yum-Yum.
- Yes, Pitti-Sing?

You know, I'm just back
from Florida?

- Oh, did you have a nice time?
- For the most part.

Except for one day.

Two friends and I accidentally
went to a nude beach.

- You didn't!
- We did!

- You didn't!
- We did!

And a naked man came up to us.

- He didn't!
- He did!

- He didn't!
- He did!

My first friend took one look
at him,

and right away had a stroke.

My second friend took one look
at him,

- and right away had a stroke.
- Oh my goodness,

what did you do?

Me?

I wouldn't touch that thing.

[CROWD LAUGHING]

Three little maids from school

- So tell me, Peep-Bo.
- Yes, Yum-Yum?

- Do you still get horny?
- [CROWD LAUGHING]

- I sure do.
- So, what do you do about it?

Well, I just suck a lifesaver.

- [CROWD LAUGHING]
- Really?

- Who drives you to the beach?
- [CROWD LAUGHING]

Life is a joke
That's just begun

Life is a joke
That's just begun

Life is a joke
That's just begun

Three little maids
Who all unwary

Come from a ladies' seminary

Freed from its genius tutelary

Three little maids from school

Three little maids from school

- [GONG RINGING]
- [CROWD CHEERING]

Bravo!

[WHISTLING]

[MAN] Bravo!

- [ALLISON] Oh, that was so good.
- Thank you.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

[BABY WHIMPERING]

Nicely done.

There's somebody outside
to see you.

Nirit.

Oh, nice job, Nate.

Bit of a departure.
Fun though.

What are you doing here?

[SIGHS] It's so boring.
Henri dumped me.

He went on an investment trip
to Mumbai,

and brought back a 19-year-old
Indian supermodel

named Karma.

No, wait. You're shitting me.

- No.
- Her name is "Karma"?

[CHUCKLES]

[SIGHS]

- I'm sorry.
- [SCOFFS] Don't cry for me.

I sold him 60 million in art
at a very favorable commission.

I'll be staying
at the Four Season in the city.

My lawyer will be in touch
about shared custody.

- Did you lose some weight?
- Uh...

I don't know maybe a little.

Hmm.

Hey, sweetie pie. Dad's here,
do you wanna see Dad?

[GABE] Yeah.

- Daddy!
- [NATE GROANS]

[NATE SIGHS]

Oh, look.

[GABE] Grandpa!

[NATE CHUCKLES]

- These are for the author.
- For me?

- [CHUCKLES] Yes.
- Oh, amazing.

Um...

I like this potential you.

I think he's got potential.

- Whoa!
- Don't fall.

I want you to meet my son.

Okay.

["QUINN THE ESKIMO"
WITH INGRID MICHAELSON PLAYS]

[NATE] Okay, let's go, Gabe.

[GABE] Hey, Nate.

What do you think?

Connie and I are working
on a new idea for our next show.

Meow, meow.

Morning, soldiers.

- [NATE] Have you seen my dad?
- Pool.

Gabe, Come on.

[GABE] Grandpa!

You ready?

Cannonball!

Cannonball!

Cannonball!

Subtitles by explosiveskull