All language subtitles for Family Guy - S04E21 - I Take Thee Quagmire-ing

♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪

♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪

♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪

♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do ♪

♪ All the things
that make us ♪

♪ Laugh and cry ♪

♪ He's a family guy ♪♪

All right, Peter.
You made it to
the bonus round.

Congratulations.
Thanks, Regis.

Okay, the category
is "Actor and Show."

So, we need five consonants
and a vowel.

Oh, okay. Um...

"Z." Four.

"Q."

Another "Q."

Uh...

A third "Q."

And the Batman symbol.

Okay, no help there.
Fifteen seconds.

If you want to take
a shot at it, talk it out.

Is it Alex Karras in Webster?

I don't believe it.

Oh, my God! I just took
a shot in the dark!
Holy crap!

Okay. You have $1,300.

Why don't you go ahead
and pick out some prizes
from our showcase?

Okay, let's see. Oh, boy!
Everything looks nice. Um...

All right, I'll take
the ceramic Dalmatian
for $600.

And, uh, boy,
that TV looks nice.

Uh, give me the one free week
of maid service.

And, uh, I'll take the hat rack.

Um, hey, how much
for that fat guy
in the circle?

I don't see a price tag on that.

That's you.
Oh, embarrassing.

Okay, well, in that case,
I'll take the rest
on a gift certificate.

Oh, sweetie,
you look so
handsome on TV.

I can't believe
you actually won.

But I suppose
it's not the strangest thing
I've seen on a game show.

Like when Adam West
was on Jeopardy.

All right, players.
The answer once again is,

"It was the first spacecraft
to land on the surface
of Mars."

Adam, what was your response?

"Kebert Xela."

Only saying his name backwards

can send him back
to the fifth dimension,
where he belongs.

All right, whip them out, woman.

It's time for
the afternoon meal.

My goodness, Stewie.
I guess you're hungry.

Honey, not so rough this time.
Mommy's very sore.

And, by the way, let's be clear.

I only like you as a friend.

Hi. I'm Joan.
I'm your maid for the week.

Me Peter. You maid.

Um, I do speak English.

You maid, clean for me, Peter.

You clean Peter mess.

Peter, stop it.
Welcome to our home,
Joan.

I'm Lois.
Won't you come in?

Oh, boy! My own maid.

This is gonna kick more ass
than that magical ride I took.

♪ It's the Great
Space Coaster ♪

♪ Get onboard
on the Great Space Coaster ♪

♪ We'll explore
a comet ride of fantasy ♪

♪ To a place where dreams
are fast and free ♪

♪ With new friends
and new things to see ♪

♪ We'll spin you
through the galaxy ♪♪

Well, we are officially lost.

♪ On the Great Space... ♪♪

Shut up, Ricky!
Just shut up
right now!

Unless the next words
out of your mouth
are directions

how to get back
to the fish skeleton,

I'm gonna punch you
right in the stomach!

Joan, it's great
to have you here.

No one's cleaned
my belly button
in a long time.

Lois is afraid to go near there

and my fingers are too thick.

What is this?

A carton of Parliaments?
I haven't smoked in 10 years.

Hey, keep digging.

Oh, ColecoVision.

Yeah! This could be
a fun afternoon.

Mr. Griffin, this is
unbelievably humiliating.

Hey, hey, Lois wants me
to go to the store
and the car's low on gas.

Oh, crap!

This is truly
a sight to behold.
An awesome spectacle.

Peter Griffin,
a once great champion
of the motor speedway

now a study in moppishness.

The hell I am!

Hiya!

We now return
to Malcolm in the Middle.

And I told you boys
to pick up your clothes!

And who left the wet towel
on the bed?

I swear to God,
sometimes I feel like
just going on strike!

What would you all do
if I went on strike? Huh?
What would you do?

I'm talking to you!
You know what?
That's what I'm gonna do!

I'm gonna go on strike!
And you can all try
living without me!

You ever think about that, huh?

That's what I'm gonna do.
I'm gonna do that.

Kids, we're free.

We're finally free.

Ouch. Damn,
that hurts.

What happened?

I was breastfeeding Stewie,
and he bit me again.

I think he might have
even broken the skin.

I see. Um...

Maybe I should, uh,
you know, uh, look at it.

I, uh... I, uh...

I have seen
a lot of medical shows.

You see, the areola
is very tender here.

And I think one of his
new teeth may have

bitten down right on a duct.

I'm sorry. What?

I don't know what to do, Brian.

Breastfeeding's just so painful

since Stewie's teeth
are coming in.

Now I know
how Alec Baldwin feels
when he feeds his brothers.

There you go.
There you go.

Eat up, Stephen.
You're the weakest.

Well, maybe it's time
to wean Stewie.

I suppose it would
make my life easier.

You know what?
I'll give it a try.

Thanks, Brian.
No problem.

Any other problems
you have, too,

like, for example,
around your underpants

that you want me
to take a look at,

I could take
a look at that, too.

Huh?

Please pull down
your underpants.

All right, boys.
It's my maid's last night.

So we got to
make the most of it.

I filled this watermelon
with chocolate pudding
and M-80 firecrackers.

Hey, Meg.
Will you hold this
for Daddy?

Okay. Why?

Uh, it's a present.

It's a thanks-for-being-
such-a-sweetie watermelon.

So you'll hang onto that?

Yeah, sure.

This is weird.
Am I supposed to eat this?

I hate you! I hate you!

Oh, maid.

Oh, my God!

Everybody, this is Joan.

Hi.
Hello.

Hey, there.

I mean, it's nice to
pleasure your acquaintance.

I mean, would you like
to go out to dinner
tomorrow night?

I'd love to.

God, he works fast.

Hey, Quagmire,
is that a banana
in your pocket

or a erection in your pocket?

Do you want to say 9:00?

Sure. See you then.

Oh, my God! I'm in love.

Time for dinner, sweetie.

Very well, then.
Take off your shirt.

No, honey. No, no.
Tonight we're gonna
have formula instead.

That's more disgusting

than when Peter went through
that Daisy Dukes phase.

So who's up
for some hoops
at the park, huh?

Oh, there you are.
Come here, you basketball.

It's like a walrus flossing.

I know it's different
than you're used to.

But you'll see
it's just as good.

Yes. That's what
we were promised

about Jim Belushi
some 25 laugh-free
years ago.

Wow, it's so lovely here, Glenn.

Well, this is our
three-week anniversary, Joan.

I wanted this date
to be special.

You know,
this place is unique
because if you're lucky,

some nights around sunset,
the screaming black dolphins
come out.

Oh, wow! Really?
I've heard they're
just beautiful.

What's going on, man?

Oh, what's going on yourself?

I almost drowned
yesterday.
Oh, man!

It's wet out here.

Oh, look at them.

They're magical, aren't they?

Listen, Joan. I have
something very important
to ask you.

- Hey, James.
- Mmm-hmm.

I'm gonna see how long
I can hold my breath.

I see you breathing
out your hole.

What is it, Glenn?

Joan, I've decided
I want to spend
my life with you.

Will you marry me?

Of course I will.

Nothing would make me
happier than
to be Mrs. Quagmire.

Hey, man.
I see you got some
seaweed on your tail.

Where?
What? Oh!

You know I'm just
playing with you.

Man, you are...

Oh, I thought
you was talking
about other seaweed.

You know I got jokes.

I'm gonna slap you with my fin.

Man, I never
would have thought
Quagmire would get married.

No, no.
I know Quagmire.

And I'm telling you,
this has got to be
some kind of prank.

You know, like that prank
I pulled on Ashton Kutcher.

Ashton, come here.

You've just been tomahawked.

That's my show.
Tomahawked.

So, how's the weaning going?

Oh, it's horrible.

Giving up breast milk
is the hardest thing
I've ever had to do.

I'll bet the founding fathers
had an easier time
writing the Bill of Rights.

All right, we're done.

You think the language
in the Second Amendment
is clear enough?

You know, about
the right to bear arms?
Of course it's clear.

Every American has the right
to hang a pair of bear arms
on their wall.

How could that possibly
be misconstrued?

All right.
Fantastic then.

Wait. You know what?
Before we send this
to the printer,

let's take that
abortion thing out.

Boy, I never thought
we'd be going to Quagmire's
for an engagement party.

I'm telling you guys,
he's putting us on.
He's the same old Quagmire.

Hey there, neighbors.
Are you lost?

I'm just joshing.
Of course we're expecting you.
Come on in, friends.

Uh-uh, if you all will just
take your shoes off there.

Joan and I kind of
do the Japanese thing.

Uh-oh, foot odor.

I have to go.

I have, uh, terrible foot odor.

Glenn, your place
looks wonderful.

I feel like I can touch
things in here now.

We brought you guys
a bottle of wine.

Oh, Montrachet!

I like our friends.

So, Joan and I just love
Without a Trace,
don't we, honey?

Yeah, it's all right.
We think it's all right.

What are you talking about?
You hate CBS.

Ooh. "Hate" is a word
we don't use in this house.

Joan and I always say,
"If you don't have anything
nice to say about someone,

"don't say anything at all."
We say that, right, honey?

Sometimes.
Sometimes we say that.

Hey, Quagmire. Check out
this month's Hustler, huh.

Quagmire?
Now, this is neat.

These people have put
an old-fashioned
Colonial spinning wheel

in the center
of their living room,
as furniture.

Oh, that's what I want
in my house.

♪♪

All right, Quagmire.
Time for your lap dance.

No, guys. I can't do that.
It's degrading to women.

Come on, Quagmire.
It's got to be you.

I'm married,
Cleveland's got foot odor,

and Joe's dead
from the waist down.

Why do you bring me here?

Oh, Brian, my breasts
are so sore.

And they've gotten
so engorged
from the weaning,

I've gone up two bra sizes.

What... What did you do
with the old bras?

Okay. Got to time this
just right.

One, two, three!

Help! Somebody
get this baby off me!

Stewie! I'm so sorry.

By the way, you call those
cheap implants boobs?

Those aren't boobs.
They are lies!

I can't believe it.

Quagmire's gone all
sissy-man Alan Alda on us!

Well, what can we do about it?
The wedding's tomorrow.

There's only one thing to do.
We got to break it up.

Gosh, Peter,
thanks so much
for being my best man.

Oh, it's my pleasure.
In fact, I got
a wedding surprise for you.

All right, back it up, guys.

I know you got a foot fetish
so I got you this
Statue of Liberty's foot.

Oh, thanks, Peter.
But Joan is all the foot
I need now.

What? But, Quagmire,
that's the real foot
from the Statue...

No, no. I'm okay.

Hey, do you have any idea
what I went through
to get this?

A lot. A real lot.

You think this is just,
"Oh, here comes Peter

"with the Statue of Liberty's
foot. Oh, isn't that a gas?"

No. No. The reality,
the real reality of getting
this together was staggering.

You know, this cost me $437,000.

Don't ask me how I got it.

I had to call in a whole bunch
of favors from people
I've never even met.

So the very least you can do
is just rub up against...
I don't know.

Well, if you want I can...

No, no. No, no, it's fine.
No. Whatever. Whatever.
Just go to your wedding, man.

No. No. No. No. Take...
Just get it out of here.

Peter, what's the matter?
This is a happy occasion.

No, it's not, Lois.
It's horrible.

You don't know
what happens to a man
when he gets married.

It's like a disease
that rots you
from the inside out.

I know, Peter, but...
Oh, damn it.

I can't believe
how much my breasts
have swollen.

Oh, look out. Champagne.

Peter, stop.

Oh, Lois, you're all wet.
Here, let me jiggle you dry.

Giggity giggity God!
I've made a terrible mistake!

Oh, my God, you blew it up.

You really did it.

Damn you all to hell!

Oh, God. I got to get
out of this marriage.

Cleveland, how did you
get out of yours?

You slept with my wife.

It's easy, Quagmire.
Just tell her
to hit the bricks.

Yeah. You've gotten
out of commitments before.

Wow, that was great.

Sure was. See you.

But you said we were
gonna get married.

No. I only said that
so you'd googooity
my geshmoigen.

So, anyway, what I'm
trying to tell you is,

some of the guys thought
we should get a divorce.

What?

But I told them
they didn't know
what they were talking about.

Good. Good.
'Cause if you ever left me,
I'd have to cut myself.

And then I'd cut you.

I love you, Glenn.

I love you, too,
insane-woman-I'm-having-
second-thoughts-about.

What?
All right.

Yes. Sleep away, woman.

But I'm here to claim
what's rightfully mine.

Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Oh, that's the stuff.
Yeah, yeah.

Dear God! I've got to
get a hold of myself.

Look at me
sucking pilfered milk
off a dirty carpet.

I'm as pathetic
as the fat man
when he tries to read.

Hey, Lois,
what's this word?
"Evel."

And this one?
"Kneivel."

And this one?
"Was."

And this one?
"Born."

And this one?
"In."

And this one?
"Montana."

Hey, Lois. Did you know
that Evel Kneivel
was born in Montana?

You didn't tell her?

Look, I told you
she was gonna
kill herself.

What was I supposed to do?

Let her. No,
that's not funny.

Wait a second.

We know she's gonna be upset
if you dump her.

But if something happened that
was out of your control...

What do you mean?
I mean we're gonna
fake your death.

This is the best idea
I've had since I invented
that soda.

Gentlemen, I give you
Crystal Pepsi.

All the great taste
of regular Pepsi but without
the troublesome opacity.

Well, what if you're drinking
a regular Pepsi

and somebody is coming at you
with a knife, huh?

You won't be able to see him
past your Pepsi.

And... And then,
who's dead, huh? You.

You! You're dead! Stabbed!

Crystal Pepsi.

All right, fellas.
I think we did it.

This may be
the most absolutely
perfect fake death

in the history of fake deaths.

What do you guys want?

Joan, um, you mind
if we come in?

There's, um...
There's been an accident.

This is, uh, not gonna be easy,

but it's something
you should see.

So, anyway, here's Quagmire
walking through the park,

minding his own business.

I just happened to be there
with my video camera

when a ninja shows up!

And then a Nazi came!

And then an evil
pots-and-pans robot!

Destroy.

Destroy.

I imagine
you're probably wondering
what happened to the body.

Well, we thought of that.

Oh, no!
Quagmire's dead!

Wait! We might still
be able to save... Oh, no!

We are so, so sorry
for your loss.

Is this a joke?

I wish it were, Joan.
I wish it were a joke.

But these things happen,
you know?

You go for a walk
in the park one day,

and wheelchair ninjas,
and Nazis, and pots-and-pans
robots show up to kill you,

and dinosaurs show up
to eat the remains.
You've seen the news.

You're not fooling anyone.

All right, fellows.
Plan B.

Plan B, Quagmire.

Hi, honey. I'm home.

Heart attack!

Glenn, sweetheart!
Is he all right?

No, he's dead.
I can tell. I'm a cop.

Oh, my God!
Are you sure?

You know what'll prove it?
When people die,
they void their bowels.

I said, when people die,
they void their bowels.

Oh, my God!

What a jackass.

Well, you look
a lot better.
I did it, Brian!

Through sheer force of will,

I kicked my addiction
to breast milk.

I just had to find a way
to make breasts
seem repulsive.

Yeah.
How did you do that?
I watched In The Cut.

Meg Ryan topless.
No, thanks. No, thanks.

Stewie, Mommy
has a surprise for you.

What are you doing?

Oh, Brian, I thought
I was ready to wean him.

But I just miss the bonding.

No, no! No, put me down!
I beg of you!

I just kicked the stuff.
Damn you!

You sick, twisted...

I hate you.

I love it.

I will kill you.

You sure Quagmire's okay
in there?

No problem.
He's got half an hour
of oxygen.

We'll sneak back later
and dig him up.

Sorry, I'm late.
I had a meeting
over at NBC about Joey.

Death? What are you
doing here?
Nobody's dying today.

Not according to my paperwork.

Says here your buddy Quagmire
died of a heart attack.

I got to tell you,
I always thought
it would be rectal trauma.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!
What the hell
are you doing?

Well, Mayor West
is afraid of zombies.

So the city says
all caskets must be
encased in concrete.

You'll thank me
when no one
eats our brains.

You'll thank me.

Hold it! Stop the funeral.
Quagmire's not really dead.

Zombie!

Glenn, I thought I'd lost you.

Sorry, Mr. Quagmire,
but I still need a body
to take back with me.

So...
No, you can't take him.

You know,
this is probably not cool.
Just throwing it out there.

She was suicidal.
She was?

Yeah, absolutely.
I had heard that,
too.

And her last name was Quagmire.

Well, good enough for me.

I got to go.
I got tickets to Celine Dion.

I'm not gonna kill her,
I'm just gonna watch her die
on her own.

Anyone? Anyone?

Ah, it's good
to have you back,
Quagmire.

It's good to be back, Peter.

Hey, Death, can you leave
that body here
for another five minutes?

That's Quagmire.