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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:03,687 --> 00:00:06,963 # Stick a pony in me pocket 2 00:00:07,127 --> 00:00:10,676 # I'llfetch the suitcase from the van 3 00:00:10,847 --> 00:00:14,681 # 'Cause if you want the best 'uns But you don't ask questions 4 00:00:14,847 --> 00:00:18,601 # Then, brother, I'm your man 5 00:00:18,767 --> 00:00:21,884 # 'Cause where it all comes from is a mystery 6 00:00:22,047 --> 00:00:25,926 # It's like the changing of the seasons And the tides of the sea 7 00:00:26,087 --> 00:00:29,875 # But here's the one that's driving me berserk: 8 00:00:30,047 --> 00:00:33,039 # Why do only fools and horses work? # 9 00:00:42,967 --> 00:00:45,686 You try and have a nice kip, eh? 10 00:00:46,847 --> 00:00:48,963 His legs are still playing him up. 11 00:00:49,127 --> 00:00:51,925 I told him not to run in the London Marathon. 12 00:00:52,087 --> 00:00:54,476 Anyway, he's not coming to the tenants' meeting. 13 00:00:54,647 --> 00:00:57,207 - You're still coming? - No way, Bruv. 14 00:00:57,367 --> 00:01:00,165 I'm going out with the little waitress from the Pizza Palace. 15 00:01:00,327 --> 00:01:02,318 How'd you pull her? 16 00:01:02,487 --> 00:01:05,843 I read somewhere that women are turned on by men in power. 17 00:01:06,007 --> 00:01:08,123 I told her I was a Euro minister. 18 00:01:08,287 --> 00:01:11,245 - And she believed you? - Yeah! 19 00:01:11,407 --> 00:01:14,240 She must be thicker than those pizzas she dishes out. 20 00:01:14,407 --> 00:01:16,398 0i! Don't get sardonic! 21 00:01:16,567 --> 00:01:20,276 - What's this about? - I'm writing questions to ask at the meeting. 22 00:01:20,447 --> 00:01:23,200 Like why are the lifts out of action? 23 00:01:23,367 --> 00:01:26,120 No, more important things than that, Del. 24 00:01:26,287 --> 00:01:30,519 I mean, in the last year or so, we've had a crime explosion on this estate. 25 00:01:30,687 --> 00:01:33,076 Yet the police don't come near or by. 26 00:01:33,247 --> 00:01:36,284 - I want to know the reason. - They can't get on the estate, can they? 27 00:01:36,447 --> 00:01:38,438 The natives won't let 'em! 28 00:01:38,607 --> 00:01:41,280 - That's rubbish! - No, it ain't! 29 00:01:41,447 --> 00:01:46,885 Last month, a copper came round to return a lost dog and we had three nights of rioting. 30 00:01:47,047 --> 00:01:52,280 I don't care what their excuses are, I'm gonna demand more police patrols on this estate. 31 00:01:52,447 --> 00:01:54,438 Not too many, Rodney! 32 00:01:54,927 --> 00:02:00,126 I'm writing out a catalogue of crime, see what the Chairman's got to say about that! 33 00:02:00,287 --> 00:02:02,278 Some catalogue, ain't it? 34 00:02:02,447 --> 00:02:07,202 May 6th, Grandad's shopping trolley stolen from pram sheds. 35 00:02:08,567 --> 00:02:10,683 Well. that's the only one I can think of! 36 00:02:10,847 --> 00:02:14,840 Gordon Bennett! There are 2,000 stories in the naked city, 37 00:02:15,007 --> 00:02:18,124 and this plonker is looking for a basket on wheels! 38 00:02:19,127 --> 00:02:23,120 I've heard of other crimes, but I don't know the times and dates and what-have-you. 39 00:02:23,287 --> 00:02:25,596 I need to provide details, not rumours. 40 00:02:25,767 --> 00:02:28,042 Tellthem about poor Rita Aldridge. 41 00:02:28,207 --> 00:02:30,357 Yes, good idea! 42 00:02:30,527 --> 00:02:34,076 Ri... What happened to Rita Aldridge, then? 43 00:02:34,247 --> 00:02:39,162 Last Friday night, she was indecently assaulted by the adventure playground. 44 00:02:39,327 --> 00:02:40,965 - No! - Yeah! 45 00:02:41,127 --> 00:02:43,766 - She report it? - Yeah, I saw her this morning. 46 00:02:43,927 --> 00:02:45,918 She'd just seen the police. 47 00:02:46,087 --> 00:02:48,078 Right, that's exactly the sort of thing... 48 00:02:48,247 --> 00:02:54,163 Hold on, if this happened Friday, how come it's taken tillWednesday to report it? 49 00:02:54,327 --> 00:02:58,286 Because she didn't know she'd been indecently assaulted untilthis morning, 50 00:02:58,447 --> 00:03:00,961 when the bloke's cheque bounced. 51 00:03:09,207 --> 00:03:11,198 (C0UGHING) 52 00:03:17,247 --> 00:03:20,159 (C0UGHING AND SPLUTTERING) 53 00:03:29,487 --> 00:03:30,920 Ahem! 54 00:03:45,847 --> 00:03:48,645 (TRIGGER) How you doing, Dave? 55 00:03:49,207 --> 00:03:51,198 (R0DNEY) All right, Trig? 56 00:03:51,367 --> 00:03:54,325 - No Del Boy? - No, he's out. 57 00:03:54,487 --> 00:03:56,842 How's your grandad? I heard his legs was bad. 58 00:03:57,007 --> 00:04:00,238 Yeah, well. it's probably just a touch of fibrositis. 59 00:04:00,407 --> 00:04:03,080 That's how my nan started off. 60 00:04:03,247 --> 00:04:05,283 D'you ever meet my nan? 61 00:04:05,447 --> 00:04:08,245 Well. only at her funeral. 62 00:04:08,407 --> 00:04:10,716 You were at her funeral, weren't you, Dave? 63 00:04:11,887 --> 00:04:14,003 Trig, why d'you call me Dave? 64 00:04:14,167 --> 00:04:17,796 My name's not Dave. My name's Rodney. 65 00:04:18,567 --> 00:04:21,843 - I thought it was Dave. - No, it's Rodney. 66 00:04:22,007 --> 00:04:25,522 - Are you sure? - Yeah, I'm positive! 67 00:04:25,687 --> 00:04:28,804 I've looked it up on my birth certificate and passport and everything. 68 00:04:28,967 --> 00:04:30,958 It is definitely Rodney. 69 00:04:31,127 --> 00:04:33,846 0h, well. you live and learn! 70 00:04:34,007 --> 00:04:36,441 So what's Dave? A nickname, like? 71 00:04:36,607 --> 00:04:40,395 No! You're the only one who calls me Dave. 72 00:04:40,567 --> 00:04:43,001 Everybody else calls me Rodney! 73 00:04:43,167 --> 00:04:48,446 And the reason they call me Rodney is because Rodney is my name. 74 00:04:48,607 --> 00:04:51,758 Well. I shall have to get used to calling you Rodney. 75 00:04:51,967 --> 00:04:56,483 Basil, are you gonna start the meeting? Me and Dave ain't got all night! 76 00:04:56,647 --> 00:04:58,797 - Rodney! - Yeah, yeah. 77 00:04:58,967 --> 00:05:03,961 Can't start the meeting without the Vice-Chairman in attendance. 78 00:05:04,127 --> 00:05:07,756 - How long's he gonna be? - Could be a hell of a long time, son. 79 00:05:07,927 --> 00:05:10,441 He died a fortnight ago. 80 00:05:10,607 --> 00:05:14,395 Died? What was the point of calling the meeting? 81 00:05:14,567 --> 00:05:19,721 I was hoping, if we had a bigger turnout, to elect a new Vice-Chairman from the floor. 82 00:05:19,887 --> 00:05:24,881 You need a new Vice-Chairman? If it's any help, Bas, I nominate Rodney. 83 00:05:25,047 --> 00:05:27,003 - What?! - Seconded! 84 00:05:27,167 --> 00:05:29,727 - Hang on a minute! - All in favour! 85 00:05:29,887 --> 00:05:31,684 Against? 86 00:05:31,847 --> 00:05:33,997 Accepted. Welcome aboard, son. 87 00:05:36,487 --> 00:05:39,479 But... I don't want to be Vice-Chairman! 88 00:05:39,647 --> 00:05:42,923 I thought you was interested in allthat political malarkey. 89 00:05:43,087 --> 00:05:46,523 Yeah, I am, but I don't want this job. 90 00:05:46,687 --> 00:05:49,838 Well. I suppose Del Boy was right all along. 91 00:05:50,007 --> 00:05:52,282 What d'you mean? 92 00:05:52,447 --> 00:05:55,598 He always said you was too immature to accept responsibility. 93 00:05:57,247 --> 00:05:59,238 0h, did he? 94 00:05:59,407 --> 00:06:03,195 We'll have to see about that. Where do I sit, Bas? 95 00:06:07,767 --> 00:06:09,758 Where do I sit, Bas? 96 00:06:09,927 --> 00:06:12,521 Eh? 0h, next to me, son. Right! 97 00:06:12,687 --> 00:06:15,076 I declare this meeting open! 98 00:06:15,247 --> 00:06:18,319 The first item on the agenda is my resignation. 99 00:06:19,047 --> 00:06:21,641 You are the new Chairman. 100 00:06:21,807 --> 00:06:24,162 Congratulations, son. 101 00:06:29,047 --> 00:06:32,005 - Goin' down there, Trig? - I'll have a quick one, Bas. 102 00:06:32,167 --> 00:06:37,241 - 0i! What about the meeting? - You'll have to close it, there's no Vice-Chairman! 103 00:06:37,407 --> 00:06:39,443 0h, yeah. 104 00:06:39,607 --> 00:06:43,395 Well. um...meeting closed. 105 00:06:44,367 --> 00:06:47,325 He done that well. didn't he, Trig? 106 00:07:24,687 --> 00:07:28,646 Lovely oranges! 3 for 25p! They're juicy, full of vitamin C! 107 00:07:28,807 --> 00:07:32,800 Suck one of these and you'll never catch scurvy! Three? Here you go! 108 00:07:32,967 --> 00:07:35,640 25p, God bless you, love! Look after yourself! 109 00:07:35,807 --> 00:07:38,879 Come on, girls! Finest oranges, just in from Seville! 110 00:07:39,047 --> 00:07:41,038 They're fresh, then? 111 00:07:41,207 --> 00:07:44,199 Fresh? They were playing castanets this morning, darling. 112 00:07:44,367 --> 00:07:47,086 3? Here you go, ein, zwei...deux! 113 00:07:47,247 --> 00:07:49,442 'Ere, take this one for luck! 114 00:07:49,607 --> 00:07:52,883 - Thank you very much. - Bless you, love, don't swallow the pips. 115 00:07:53,047 --> 00:07:55,766 Come on...! Where the ruddy hell have you been? 116 00:07:55,927 --> 00:07:58,964 You know where I've been. I told you I had to go down the Town Hall. 117 00:07:59,127 --> 00:08:02,005 You said 20 minutes. That was 4 hours ago! 118 00:08:02,167 --> 00:08:05,876 Sorry, I got a bit involved with council business. 119 00:08:06,047 --> 00:08:09,517 0h, did you? I got a bit involved myself - 120 00:08:09,687 --> 00:08:13,441 with silly little things like trying to organise us some profit. 121 00:08:13,607 --> 00:08:15,837 0i! You little git! 122 00:08:16,007 --> 00:08:18,123 (CRASH!) Get your priorities straight! 123 00:08:18,287 --> 00:08:23,680 Do you want to be Chairman of the Tenants' Association or work this pitch? 124 00:08:23,847 --> 00:08:27,442 I had to go down and introduce meself to Miss McKenzie. 125 00:08:27,607 --> 00:08:30,679 0h? Who's Miss McKenzie? 126 00:08:30,847 --> 00:08:36,001 She's in charge of housing and welfare at the Town Hall. She's a very important lady. 127 00:08:36,167 --> 00:08:38,158 She was very impressed with me. 128 00:08:38,327 --> 00:08:41,797 She would be. It's the suit, ain't it? 129 00:08:46,967 --> 00:08:49,401 What d'you want, three? God bless! 130 00:08:49,567 --> 00:08:52,240 She's very intelligent, we got on really well. 131 00:08:52,407 --> 00:08:54,637 They do say opposites attract. 132 00:08:54,807 --> 00:08:57,401 Come on, you, get these crates sorted out. 133 00:08:57,607 --> 00:08:59,598 What? Come on, Del! 134 00:08:59,767 --> 00:09:05,319 Don't you think it'll be a bit demeaning for the Chairman of the Tenants' Association 135 00:09:05,487 --> 00:09:09,036 to be seen humping dirty old crates around the market? 136 00:09:09,207 --> 00:09:11,402 D'you want any wages tomorrow? 137 00:09:11,567 --> 00:09:14,035 Where shall I put them? 138 00:09:15,327 --> 00:09:18,558 Don't tempt me, Rodney, don't tempt me! 139 00:09:23,527 --> 00:09:27,805 - All right, Del Boy? - Hello, Grandad! What are you doing here? 140 00:09:27,967 --> 00:09:30,197 I just been getting something in for dinner. 141 00:09:30,367 --> 00:09:32,403 What have I got, Grandad? 142 00:09:32,567 --> 00:09:35,479 - D'you like haddock pie, Del?. - No, I don't! 143 00:09:35,647 --> 00:09:37,877 You've got haddock pie, Rodney. 144 00:09:38,527 --> 00:09:40,518 Triffic! 145 00:09:40,687 --> 00:09:43,155 - How's your legs? - Still hurting. 146 00:09:43,327 --> 00:09:45,795 I told you, they're growing pains! 147 00:09:45,967 --> 00:09:49,676 If you want to hang on, I'll give you a lift in the van. 148 00:09:49,847 --> 00:09:54,875 No, that's all right, Rodney, I'lltry and walk it off. See you later. 149 00:09:55,047 --> 00:09:57,436 Yeah, see ya! 150 00:09:58,967 --> 00:10:01,527 Has he got pineapples? 151 00:10:01,687 --> 00:10:04,281 No, I think it's just rheumatism. 152 00:10:04,807 --> 00:10:07,765 No, sorry, we haven't got any. 153 00:10:09,647 --> 00:10:11,638 No, we haven't got any pineapples, love. 154 00:10:11,807 --> 00:10:14,640 It's this weather. You can't get people to pick 'em! 155 00:10:14,807 --> 00:10:19,198 I've got some nice pineapple-tasting oranges. I got them in specialtoday. 156 00:10:19,367 --> 00:10:25,237 I knew you was coming. They're Spanish from Seville, 3 for 25p - to you, 6 for 90...! 157 00:10:27,767 --> 00:10:30,759 (R0DNEY) Me and Miss McKenzie were thinking of forming 158 00:10:30,927 --> 00:10:33,839 a police and local community action committee. 159 00:10:34,007 --> 00:10:36,157 You want to get those pigging lifts fixed first! 160 00:10:36,327 --> 00:10:39,797 That's all right, that's all in hand! 161 00:10:39,967 --> 00:10:44,279 0h, look at this! He ain't even put the shopping awa... 162 00:10:44,447 --> 00:10:48,076 The lazy git! I'm going to sack him one of these days! 163 00:10:48,247 --> 00:10:50,397 Del! 164 00:10:50,567 --> 00:10:52,762 0h, my God! 165 00:10:52,927 --> 00:10:55,202 Grandad! Grandad! 166 00:10:55,367 --> 00:10:58,439 - What's the matter with him? - How the hell do I know? 167 00:10:58,607 --> 00:11:01,280 - Del, the brandy! - Yeah! 168 00:11:01,967 --> 00:11:04,037 No, he ain't been at this! 169 00:11:06,367 --> 00:11:09,439 I meant pour him some! 170 00:11:09,607 --> 00:11:12,360 Shall I give him the kiss of life? 171 00:11:12,527 --> 00:11:15,758 I ain't that bad, Rodney! 172 00:11:15,927 --> 00:11:18,999 Thank God for that, you're alive...erm, awake! 173 00:11:19,167 --> 00:11:23,877 - Here! - I just got up to switch over to Crossroads. 174 00:11:24,047 --> 00:11:29,644 - What happened? - I dunno, Del Boy, I didn't see the end of it! 175 00:11:34,127 --> 00:11:36,880 We actually meant, what happened to you? 176 00:11:37,047 --> 00:11:39,686 I just came over bad, Rodney. 177 00:11:39,847 --> 00:11:41,917 Me legs give way. 178 00:11:42,087 --> 00:11:45,284 Them stairs'll be the death of me. 179 00:11:45,447 --> 00:11:48,723 Come on, come on, Get him to bed. Come on, Grandad, get up! 180 00:11:48,887 --> 00:11:52,641 I'll put him to bed, you phone the doctor, Rodney. 181 00:11:52,807 --> 00:11:56,800 No need to callthe doctor, Del Boy, I'll be all right. 182 00:11:56,967 --> 00:12:00,562 You just shut up! It's nothing to do with you! 183 00:12:01,727 --> 00:12:05,003 Good evening. Put me through to Dr Becker, please. 184 00:12:05,167 --> 00:12:07,283 Yes, it is an emergency. 185 00:12:09,087 --> 00:12:13,126 Hello, Dr Becker, sorry to bother you, but it's my grandad, he's not very well. 186 00:12:14,287 --> 00:12:17,643 Yeah, my name is Trotter, we live on the estate... 187 00:12:17,807 --> 00:12:21,004 0h, you remember. Could you... 188 00:12:21,167 --> 00:12:23,283 Has what cleared up? 189 00:12:23,447 --> 00:12:26,007 No, I never had anything like that! 190 00:12:28,327 --> 00:12:31,876 No, no, you must be getting me mixed up with somebody else. 191 00:12:32,247 --> 00:12:36,035 - When's he coming round? - Can you come straight away, please? 192 00:12:36,247 --> 00:12:39,523 - You're going out to dinner? - He can have dinner here. 193 00:12:39,687 --> 00:12:42,997 You can have dinner here. He can have my haddock pie! 194 00:12:43,167 --> 00:12:46,000 Your haddock pie? Give us that, willyou? 195 00:12:46,167 --> 00:12:48,965 Hello, Doctor, my name is DelTrotter. 196 00:12:49,127 --> 00:12:52,881 You don't know me, but we have a mutualfriend, Rita Aldridge. 197 00:12:53,047 --> 00:12:57,040 That's right, and I talk to your good wife every day in the market... 198 00:12:57,207 --> 00:12:59,198 Right! 199 00:12:59,367 --> 00:13:01,597 He's on his way round. 200 00:13:35,807 --> 00:13:39,641 Make sure he gets plenty of sleep and lots of fresh air. 201 00:13:39,807 --> 00:13:42,275 We could put his bed on the balcony! 202 00:13:43,447 --> 00:13:45,642 Fresh air! Fresh air? 203 00:13:45,807 --> 00:13:50,437 Haven't you noticed allthe juggernauts and buses smoking away past this place? 204 00:13:50,607 --> 00:13:53,804 The only fresh air Grandad gets is listening to the Archers. 205 00:13:53,967 --> 00:13:56,720 There isn't much I can do about the pollution. 206 00:13:56,887 --> 00:13:59,799 I know, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Doctor. 207 00:13:59,967 --> 00:14:03,482 - What about his legs? - He's got legs like Nijinsky's. 208 00:14:03,647 --> 00:14:06,400 Nijinsky's a racehorse! 209 00:14:07,487 --> 00:14:10,081 No, he means Nijinsky the Russian ballet dancer. 210 00:14:10,287 --> 00:14:12,642 I don't! 211 00:14:14,607 --> 00:14:17,997 0h! What's the matter with him, Doctor? 212 00:14:18,167 --> 00:14:21,159 Exhaustion! Twelve flights of stairs - 213 00:14:21,327 --> 00:14:24,399 difficult for a young man, let alone someone of your grandfather's age. 214 00:14:24,567 --> 00:14:26,603 What he needs is ground floor accommodation. 215 00:14:26,767 --> 00:14:29,964 Have you seen those new council bungalows in Herrington Road? 216 00:14:30,127 --> 00:14:32,243 They're lovely, ain't they? 217 00:14:32,407 --> 00:14:35,638 They've got three bedrooms, little garden, opposite the park. 218 00:14:35,807 --> 00:14:38,196 Still. what chance do we stand? 219 00:14:38,367 --> 00:14:43,236 You need to have nine kids and speak with a foreign accent to get one of them. 220 00:14:43,407 --> 00:14:48,197 If you think it'd do any good, I can write to the council recommending you be moved. 221 00:14:48,367 --> 00:14:52,201 You did that for my mum back in 1962, and they moved us here! 222 00:14:52,367 --> 00:14:55,200 (S0BBING) I'm going to put the shopping away! 223 00:14:55,367 --> 00:15:00,077 The only other thing that would hold sway with the council's housing department would be 224 00:15:00,247 --> 00:15:02,966 support from the Chairman of the Tenants' Association. 225 00:15:03,127 --> 00:15:06,324 Who is the Chairman of the Association these days? 226 00:15:06,487 --> 00:15:08,478 It's me! 227 00:15:09,967 --> 00:15:11,958 All right, all right. 228 00:15:12,127 --> 00:15:14,516 - Good boy! - What? 229 00:15:14,687 --> 00:15:17,076 Nothing, good boy! 230 00:15:44,407 --> 00:15:46,682 Didn't know you were in here. 231 00:15:50,167 --> 00:15:52,158 You keeping a vigil?. 232 00:15:52,327 --> 00:15:54,602 No, I'm just sitting here with Grandad. 233 00:15:57,527 --> 00:16:01,202 - What you got there? - Just some fruit. 234 00:16:04,087 --> 00:16:06,078 Got him some grapes, have you? 235 00:16:06,247 --> 00:16:08,807 No, they're oranges! 236 00:16:10,287 --> 00:16:12,164 0rang... 237 00:16:12,327 --> 00:16:16,161 - 0ranges? - I couldn't think of what else to get him! 238 00:16:18,767 --> 00:16:20,883 Del, you know I'd like to help. 239 00:16:21,047 --> 00:16:23,481 I've nothing further to say on the subject. 240 00:16:23,647 --> 00:16:26,207 'Ere you are, Grandad, have a suck on that! 241 00:16:26,367 --> 00:16:30,519 How you can do this to your own flesh and blood, I've no idea! 242 00:16:30,687 --> 00:16:33,645 What's Miss McKenzie going to think, eh? 243 00:16:33,807 --> 00:16:38,323 I've only been Chairman for two days, and already I'm offering you a bungalow. 244 00:16:38,487 --> 00:16:43,515 I'm not...! I'm not concerned with what she thinks, I'm only concerned with Grandad. 245 00:16:43,687 --> 00:16:48,363 Look at him! I mean, his brain went years ago! 246 00:16:48,527 --> 00:16:51,325 Now his legs are gone. 247 00:16:51,487 --> 00:16:54,559 There's only the middle bit of him left! 248 00:16:57,887 --> 00:17:00,196 - We could take him to Lourdes. - Lords? 249 00:17:00,367 --> 00:17:02,835 Lords? He don't even like cricket! 250 00:17:07,607 --> 00:17:09,837 I meant Lourdes, in France. 251 00:17:10,007 --> 00:17:13,158 0h, Lourdes in France. No, no, that's no good. 252 00:17:13,327 --> 00:17:18,685 What you gain on the miracle cures, you lose on the sea-sickness on the way home. 253 00:17:21,687 --> 00:17:23,803 Still here, Del Boy? 254 00:17:23,967 --> 00:17:26,003 I'm here, Grandad. Don't worry. 255 00:17:26,167 --> 00:17:28,920 Look, Rodney's brought you some oranges! 256 00:17:29,087 --> 00:17:32,557 I'll put them over there, shall I? With the other 3,000. 257 00:17:33,727 --> 00:17:36,605 You're a good boy, Rodney. 258 00:17:36,767 --> 00:17:40,077 You've always looked after your old grandad. 259 00:17:42,087 --> 00:17:45,762 Rodney? Put your hand under my pillow. 260 00:17:45,927 --> 00:17:47,997 Yeah, 0K. 261 00:17:48,167 --> 00:17:51,204 Why? What's under there? 262 00:17:51,367 --> 00:17:55,201 Just something what was left to me by my grandad. 263 00:18:00,407 --> 00:18:05,003 - What is it? - My grandad's old cigarette case. 264 00:18:05,167 --> 00:18:08,443 He carried that with him right throughout the Boer War. 265 00:18:08,607 --> 00:18:12,043 That's a bit of history you're holding there. 266 00:18:12,207 --> 00:18:14,198 And I mean real history, 267 00:18:14,367 --> 00:18:18,838 not like them Nelson's eye patches Del Boy flogs to the tourists. 268 00:18:19,847 --> 00:18:22,122 What's this big dent? 269 00:18:22,287 --> 00:18:25,085 0h, there's a story behind that, Rodney. 270 00:18:25,247 --> 00:18:29,286 See, one night, my grandad was on sentry duty, 271 00:18:29,447 --> 00:18:32,917 standing out there alone in the middle of Africa. 272 00:18:33,087 --> 00:18:35,885 Suddenly, a sniper fired at him! 273 00:18:36,047 --> 00:18:39,676 The bullet was headed straight for my grandad's heart, 274 00:18:39,847 --> 00:18:45,638 but he had that cigarette case in his breast pocket, and the bullet hit that instead. 275 00:18:45,807 --> 00:18:48,560 Jeez! 276 00:18:48,727 --> 00:18:51,116 It saved his life! 277 00:18:51,287 --> 00:18:53,642 Well. not really. 278 00:18:53,807 --> 00:18:58,198 See, the bullet ricocheted up his nose and blew his brains out. 279 00:19:04,807 --> 00:19:07,367 I want you to have it, Rodney. 280 00:19:07,527 --> 00:19:11,122 - What? - My gran always said it were lucky. 281 00:19:11,287 --> 00:19:13,278 Lucky? 282 00:19:13,447 --> 00:19:18,362 Grandad, it made the bullet ricochet up his nose and blow his brains out. 283 00:19:18,527 --> 00:19:22,805 It could have ricocheted downwards and ruined his entire life. 284 00:19:24,407 --> 00:19:30,198 D'you know where he died, Rodney? Fighting the Zulus at the battle of Rorke's Drift. 285 00:19:30,367 --> 00:19:33,165 No, was he actually there? 286 00:19:33,327 --> 00:19:35,522 0h, cosmic! 287 00:19:38,007 --> 00:19:40,157 I always thought it was the Welsh. 288 00:19:40,327 --> 00:19:43,239 No, it was definitely the Zulus, I saw the film! 289 00:19:44,247 --> 00:19:46,807 You keep that with you always, Rodney. 290 00:19:46,967 --> 00:19:49,925 It'll be something to remember me by. 291 00:19:50,087 --> 00:19:54,046 - Don't talk like that! - It's all right, Grandad, it's all right. 292 00:19:54,207 --> 00:19:57,995 He'll remember what he done to you, I'll see to that, don't you worry! 293 00:19:58,167 --> 00:20:02,479 0h, don't keep on at him, Del, he's doing what he thinks is best. 294 00:20:02,647 --> 00:20:06,481 'Sides, I might not have liked living on the ground. 295 00:20:06,647 --> 00:20:10,322 I've always been up in the air somewhere. 296 00:20:10,487 --> 00:20:13,718 I think I would have liked the garden, though. 297 00:20:13,887 --> 00:20:16,640 I could've grown some flowers. 298 00:20:16,807 --> 00:20:19,480 I've never, ever had a garden. 299 00:20:19,647 --> 00:20:25,882 Still. what you've never had, you never miss, eh, Del Boy? 300 00:20:26,687 --> 00:20:29,599 That's right, Grandad, that's right. 301 00:20:30,567 --> 00:20:32,797 Rodney, where are you going? 302 00:20:32,967 --> 00:20:35,606 (S0BBING) I'm phoning Miss McKenzie about a bungalow. 303 00:20:35,767 --> 00:20:38,486 That's a good boy, Rodney, good boy! 304 00:20:38,647 --> 00:20:43,437 You know it makes sense. Welcome back, you're one of the family again! 305 00:20:46,687 --> 00:20:51,283 Del Boy, I'd like to be cremated! 306 00:20:52,127 --> 00:20:56,086 Well. you'll have to wait till morning, they'll be closed now. 307 00:21:04,607 --> 00:21:07,405 0h, God! Rodney? 308 00:21:07,567 --> 00:21:10,684 Come on, clear this place up! 309 00:21:10,847 --> 00:21:13,600 That old biddy from the councilwill be here soon! 310 00:21:13,767 --> 00:21:16,725 Del, I'd like you to meet Miss McKenzie. 311 00:21:16,887 --> 00:21:20,562 - Look! - Good evening! 312 00:21:24,607 --> 00:21:27,440 Attendez, I'm sure! 313 00:21:27,607 --> 00:21:29,757 Please do sit down, Miss McKenzie. 314 00:21:29,927 --> 00:21:32,521 Can I get you a drink? Tea, coffee, Pina Colada? 315 00:21:32,687 --> 00:21:35,838 No, thank you. That's very kind of you, Mr Trotter. 316 00:21:36,007 --> 00:21:39,238 Mais oui, mais oui. Derek, if you please. 317 00:21:39,407 --> 00:21:44,276 Derek. I've just been in to see your grandfather. 318 00:21:44,447 --> 00:21:49,805 He's a very interesting man. He told me how his grandfather died at Rorke's Drift. 319 00:21:49,967 --> 00:21:53,437 Well. no, he wasn't actually at Rorke's Drift. 320 00:21:53,607 --> 00:21:58,442 What he was doing, see, he was camped in a little field behind it. 321 00:21:58,607 --> 00:22:02,520 0ne night he went over to the Zulus to complain about the noise. 322 00:22:07,447 --> 00:22:11,406 Was it always your ambition to work for the council, Miss McKenzie? 323 00:22:11,567 --> 00:22:14,320 - Please, call me Margaret. - Margaret. 324 00:22:14,487 --> 00:22:17,126 Margaret? That is my most favourite name. 325 00:22:17,287 --> 00:22:20,916 Thank you. Actually, I wanted to be a choreographer. 326 00:22:21,087 --> 00:22:26,639 What a coincidence. I always wanted to go into the medical profession myself. 327 00:22:26,807 --> 00:22:31,278 A choreographer, Del. It means she wanted to teach dance. 328 00:22:31,447 --> 00:22:33,802 0h, yeah, that sort of choreographer, yeah. 329 00:22:33,967 --> 00:22:36,686 Are you interested in dancing, then, Margaret? 330 00:22:36,847 --> 00:22:39,315 I was a student of dance for two years. 331 00:22:39,487 --> 00:22:42,126 Was you really? Amazing, so was I. 332 00:22:42,287 --> 00:22:45,723 I was at the London School of Dance, Knightsbridge. 333 00:22:45,887 --> 00:22:48,196 Delwas at the Arthur Murray School, Lewisham. 334 00:22:51,367 --> 00:22:56,361 Thank you, Rodney. Why don't you go into the kitchen and put your head in the food blender? 335 00:22:57,607 --> 00:23:00,440 Do you like ballet, Margaret? 336 00:23:00,607 --> 00:23:03,565 - Yes, very much. - So do I, it's triffic. 337 00:23:03,727 --> 00:23:06,036 What about that Nijinsky, eh? 338 00:23:06,207 --> 00:23:09,358 - Nijinsky? - Fabulous dancer, for a Soviet. 339 00:23:09,527 --> 00:23:12,360 - Yes, I suppose so. - I'm a great fan. 340 00:23:12,527 --> 00:23:14,518 - 0f Nijinsky's? - Yes. 341 00:23:14,687 --> 00:23:18,362 I was thinking of getting tickets for one of the shows. 342 00:23:18,527 --> 00:23:21,599 Derek, Nijinsky died in 1950. 343 00:23:28,247 --> 00:23:30,238 Did she? 344 00:23:32,407 --> 00:23:35,444 She? Nijinsky was a man. 345 00:23:35,607 --> 00:23:39,566 Ah! 0h, yeah! 'Course he was, sorry, sorry! 346 00:23:39,727 --> 00:23:41,718 I always get him mixed up with... 347 00:23:41,887 --> 00:23:44,037 - Arkle? - Yeah, Arkle. 348 00:23:49,807 --> 00:23:54,119 Well. that seems to be about it. I think I have allthe information I need. 349 00:23:54,287 --> 00:23:57,882 How soon willwe know if our application has been accepted? 350 00:23:58,047 --> 00:24:00,163 Right now, Rodney. I've just signed it. 351 00:24:01,327 --> 00:24:03,397 You mean we've got the bungalow? 352 00:24:03,567 --> 00:24:07,276 0f course. Here's your new rent book and allthe necessary paperwork. 353 00:24:07,847 --> 00:24:12,637 I don't believe it! Sure you don't want to double check nothing? 354 00:24:12,807 --> 00:24:15,844 That won't be necessary, Margaret knows what she's doing. 355 00:24:16,007 --> 00:24:18,475 I dunno what to say! 356 00:24:18,647 --> 00:24:21,798 Just say thank you to the nice lady. 357 00:24:21,967 --> 00:24:24,083 Really, there's no need. 358 00:24:24,247 --> 00:24:27,000 I'm only too pleased to help. 359 00:24:27,167 --> 00:24:31,797 Many people get voted onto tenants' committees purely for their own ends, 360 00:24:31,967 --> 00:24:34,401 but Rodney's different, he cares. 361 00:24:34,567 --> 00:24:36,922 He does, he cares. He's a diamond, he really is. 362 00:24:37,087 --> 00:24:41,524 I hope you'll be very happy in your new home. I'll see you at our next meeting? 363 00:24:41,687 --> 00:24:44,963 Yes, yes, of course. Thanks again. 364 00:24:45,127 --> 00:24:47,846 I can't wait to tell Grandad! 365 00:24:48,007 --> 00:24:51,602 - I suppose we'd... - I'll see Margaret out, Rodney! 366 00:24:51,767 --> 00:24:54,600 Excuse me. 367 00:24:54,767 --> 00:24:57,565 Don't drink it. 368 00:24:59,647 --> 00:25:02,798 I suppose you must have pulled a few strings. 369 00:25:02,967 --> 00:25:07,438 Let's say I applied some liberal interpretations to our rules. 370 00:25:07,607 --> 00:25:11,282 If there was some way I could show my appreciation... 371 00:25:11,447 --> 00:25:16,567 But, mon dieu, mon dieu, why don't I take you for a celebratory drink? 372 00:25:16,727 --> 00:25:20,003 That's very nice, but I have a lot of paperwork to finish. 373 00:25:20,167 --> 00:25:22,635 0K, some other time, maybe? 374 00:25:22,807 --> 00:25:25,037 Yes, well. goodbye! 375 00:25:25,207 --> 00:25:29,519 No, not goodbye, Margaret, just bonjour! 376 00:25:38,807 --> 00:25:40,798 Well. we done it! 377 00:25:40,967 --> 00:25:43,401 That is the power of being a chairman, Del. 378 00:25:43,567 --> 00:25:45,558 It was my chat what did it! 379 00:25:45,727 --> 00:25:48,116 0h, yeah, it was your chat (!) 380 00:25:48,287 --> 00:25:52,724 ''Choreographer? I've always wanted to be in the medical profession.'' (!) 381 00:25:52,887 --> 00:25:55,242 Cut that out, willyou?! 382 00:25:55,407 --> 00:25:57,523 Have we got it, Del?. 383 00:25:57,687 --> 00:26:01,202 'Course we got it, Grandad. We move in next week! 384 00:26:01,367 --> 00:26:07,283 Wahay! # My old man said follow the van, And don't dilly-dally on the way! # 385 00:26:07,447 --> 00:26:09,517 I'll get you a beer, Grandad! 386 00:26:09,687 --> 00:26:14,807 # ..With me old man in it, I followed on with me old cock linnet # 387 00:26:14,967 --> 00:26:18,562 # I dillied, I dallied, dallied and dill... # 388 00:26:18,727 --> 00:26:22,117 We feeling a little bit better, Grandad? 389 00:26:22,287 --> 00:26:25,324 I'm feeling on top of the world, Rodney! 390 00:26:25,487 --> 00:26:27,478 You know, I thought as much! 391 00:26:27,647 --> 00:26:30,957 Five minutes ago, you couldn't wiggle your toes, 392 00:26:31,127 --> 00:26:34,278 now you're doing an audition for the Hot Shoe Show. 393 00:26:34,447 --> 00:26:37,598 You two have really stitched me up, ain't you? 394 00:26:37,767 --> 00:26:40,998 But not just me, Dr Becker and Miss McKenzie as well. 395 00:26:41,167 --> 00:26:44,000 0h, shut up, you tart! 396 00:26:44,167 --> 00:26:46,158 We couldn't let you in on our little plan. 397 00:26:46,327 --> 00:26:51,162 You...you're, to put it politely, full of principle, ain't you? 398 00:26:51,327 --> 00:26:54,524 - 'Ere, Grandad! - How else could we have done it? 399 00:26:54,687 --> 00:27:00,683 We've got ourselves a beautiful new home, a bit of garden, a garage and no stairs! 400 00:27:00,847 --> 00:27:03,998 Grandad, the point is, we li... 401 00:27:08,647 --> 00:27:10,922 I suppose them stairs were a bit much for you. 402 00:27:11,087 --> 00:27:14,523 And I can hardly blame Del for the lifts breaking down. 403 00:27:16,407 --> 00:27:19,319 (D00RBELL) - You even went to the trouble...?! 404 00:27:19,487 --> 00:27:21,603 - I'll get it! - I'm gonna hurt you! 405 00:27:25,807 --> 00:27:29,561 0h, hello, Margaret! Did you forget something? 406 00:27:29,727 --> 00:27:32,161 0nly my manners, I'm sorry to say. 407 00:27:32,327 --> 00:27:36,036 I realised that you would like to celebrate your new home, 408 00:27:36,167 --> 00:27:40,160 but, as Rodney would have to stay in with Grandad, you'd have no one to go with. 409 00:27:40,327 --> 00:27:42,318 So, if your invitation is still open? 410 00:27:42,487 --> 00:27:44,762 0h, yeah, 'course it is! 411 00:27:44,927 --> 00:27:47,839 If you'd just hang on uno momento. 412 00:27:48,007 --> 00:27:51,682 I mustn't have too much to drink though. It goes straight to my head! 413 00:27:51,847 --> 00:27:54,077 Does it really? 414 00:27:54,247 --> 00:27:57,478 We'll have to keep our eye on you, then, won't we? 415 00:27:57,647 --> 00:28:01,481 I'm off out. I don't know when I'll be back but don't put the Chubb on. 416 00:28:01,647 --> 00:28:06,880 What I thought we might do is slip down the Nag's Head for a couple of swift halves, 417 00:28:07,047 --> 00:28:12,838 then we could go on to this little spic drinking club I know in New Cross. 418 00:28:13,007 --> 00:28:17,478 - I don't want to be out too late. - Don't worry, we'll get you to your flat for 3. 419 00:28:17,647 --> 00:28:20,366 Del, don't forget your scarf... 420 00:28:23,127 --> 00:28:25,118 0h, my Gawd! 421 00:28:25,287 --> 00:28:27,482 Well. hello again! 422 00:28:27,647 --> 00:28:32,323 - He seems to be over the worst. - Well. it comes and goes. 423 00:28:32,487 --> 00:28:35,126 - So it would appear. - Collapse! 424 00:28:35,287 --> 00:28:37,278 - What? - Collapse! 425 00:28:37,447 --> 00:28:39,836 I shouldn't bother, you might do yourself an injury! 426 00:28:40,007 --> 00:28:42,475 0i, you're going to need the keys if... 427 00:28:42,647 --> 00:28:45,286 I am disgusted with the lot of you! 428 00:28:45,447 --> 00:28:47,438 But especially with Rodney! 429 00:28:47,607 --> 00:28:50,201 - I believed you! - I believed me! 430 00:28:50,367 --> 00:28:52,801 I assume you'll be resigning, Mr Chairman? 431 00:28:52,967 --> 00:28:56,357 First thing in the morning, yeah. 432 00:28:56,527 --> 00:28:58,597 I'lltellyou what I'll do in the morning: 433 00:28:58,767 --> 00:29:03,887 I'm going to do you all another favour, I'm going to save you the inconvenience of moving! 434 00:29:04,047 --> 00:29:06,197 Good night to you all! 435 00:29:08,967 --> 00:29:10,958 - Margaret? - What? 436 00:29:11,127 --> 00:29:13,846 We still on for that drink? 437 00:29:19,727 --> 00:29:23,561 # We've got some half-price cracked ice And miles and miles of carpet tiles 438 00:29:23,727 --> 00:29:26,525 # TVs, deep freeze and David Bowie LPs 439 00:29:26,687 --> 00:29:29,645 # Ball games, gold chains, what's-their-names and at a push 440 00:29:29,807 --> 00:29:32,685 # Some Trevor Francis tracksuits From a mush in Shepherd's Bush 441 00:29:32,847 --> 00:29:35,441 # Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush 442 00:29:35,607 --> 00:29:38,246 # No income tax, no VAT 443 00:29:38,407 --> 00:29:41,240 # No money back, no guarantee 444 00:29:41,407 --> 00:29:44,479 # Black or white, rich or broke 445 00:29:44,647 --> 00:29:49,277 # We'll cut prices at a stroke 446 00:29:49,447 --> 00:29:52,041 # God bless Hooky Street! 447 00:29:52,207 --> 00:29:55,244 # Viva Hooky Street 448 00:29:55,407 --> 00:29:58,319 # Long live Hooky Street! 449 00:29:58,487 --> 00:30:01,524 # C'est magnifique, Hooky Street! 450 00:30:01,687 --> 00:30:04,759 # Magnifique, Hooky Street! 451 00:30:04,927 --> 00:30:07,885 # Hooky Street! 452 00:30:08,047 --> 00:30:10,242 # Hooky Street! # 453 00:30:16,454 --> 00:30:19,969 # Stick a pony in me pocket 454 00:30:20,134 --> 00:30:23,683 # I'llfetch the suitcase from the van 455 00:30:23,854 --> 00:30:27,449 # 'Cause if you want the best 'uns But you don't ask questions 456 00:30:27,614 --> 00:30:31,573 # Then, brother, I'm your man 457 00:30:31,734 --> 00:30:34,851 # 'Cause where it all comes from is a mystery 458 00:30:35,014 --> 00:30:38,893 # It's like the changing of the seasons And the tides of the sea 459 00:30:39,054 --> 00:30:42,842 # But here's the one that's driving me berserk: 460 00:30:43,014 --> 00:30:46,051 # Why do only fools and horses work? # 461 00:30:52,614 --> 00:30:54,764 (DEL) They're beautiful, ain't they? 462 00:30:54,934 --> 00:30:58,847 I don't care whether your nipper has got mumps or a scabby eye, 463 00:30:59,014 --> 00:31:02,165 these will bring a smile back to his face. 464 00:31:02,334 --> 00:31:05,804 Gather round. Listen, ladies, I wanna tellyou something. 465 00:31:05,974 --> 00:31:11,765 Please don't let it go any further. I may be breaching the 0fficial Secrets Act! 466 00:31:11,934 --> 00:31:17,770 I happen to know that Prince William has one of these in his nursery at Buck House. 467 00:31:17,934 --> 00:31:22,325 Tellyou how I know, shall I? His dad gave me a bell and said, 468 00:31:22,494 --> 00:31:26,043 (AS PRINCE CHARLES) ''Del Boy, I'm in right lumber. 469 00:31:26,214 --> 00:31:29,604 ''The enemy's doing her pieces 'cause I've forgotten Spud's birthday!'' 470 00:31:29,774 --> 00:31:32,368 Spud is the nickname for Prince William. 471 00:31:32,534 --> 00:31:38,404 What did I do? I walloped round with one and it was end of aggravation, end of story. 472 00:31:38,574 --> 00:31:42,123 They come with batteries, guaranteed fully house-trained. 473 00:31:42,294 --> 00:31:44,125 Whoops! That one isn't. 474 00:31:44,294 --> 00:31:48,845 These are not made in Taiwan or Hong Kong. These are made in Burma. 475 00:31:49,014 --> 00:31:52,051 What can't speak can't lie! Now, listen... 476 00:31:54,134 --> 00:31:57,331 I'm not gonna mess about with coppers. That's a Freudian slip! 477 00:31:57,494 --> 00:32:00,884 I'm not asking for 14 quid, I'm not asking for 10 quid. 478 00:32:01,054 --> 00:32:02,851 Who'll give me six quid? 479 00:32:03,014 --> 00:32:04,970 (THEME FR0M ''JAWS'') 480 00:32:05,134 --> 00:32:09,252 If these were fluffy little chicks, you'd be saying ''cheap''! 481 00:32:09,414 --> 00:32:11,166 Going ''cheap'', geddit? 482 00:32:11,334 --> 00:32:13,768 (''JAWS'' THEME) 483 00:32:13,934 --> 00:32:16,289 I'lltellwhy I'm getting rid of them. 484 00:32:16,454 --> 00:32:19,969 Because I'm off on holiday and I need me suitcase! 485 00:32:20,134 --> 00:32:22,773 Right? Now what I...er... 486 00:32:23,174 --> 00:32:25,529 (''JAWS'' THEME) 487 00:32:25,734 --> 00:32:29,647 Sorry, I can't stay. Me flight leaves in half an hour. 488 00:32:31,094 --> 00:32:32,413 See yer! 489 00:32:50,254 --> 00:32:52,768 (T0Y D0GS BARKING IN SUITCASE) 490 00:33:00,094 --> 00:33:02,164 (S0UND 0F T0Y D0GS BARKING) 491 00:33:16,574 --> 00:33:18,292 Shut up, willyer? 492 00:33:33,854 --> 00:33:36,049 (REAL D0GS BARKING) 493 00:33:54,094 --> 00:33:55,413 Go on, Rodney! 494 00:34:07,534 --> 00:34:10,253 (REAL D0GS BARKING) 495 00:34:27,374 --> 00:34:29,524 Had a good day, Del?. 496 00:34:31,974 --> 00:34:33,771 Good day?! Good day?! 497 00:34:33,934 --> 00:34:36,494 0h, the best, Grandad, the very bloody best! 498 00:34:37,174 --> 00:34:40,211 I've been chased by a gendarme, attacked by Pussycat Willum, 499 00:34:40,374 --> 00:34:43,684 almost caught rabies, and it's allthis dipstick's fault! 500 00:34:44,734 --> 00:34:46,452 He don't half exaggerate. 501 00:34:46,614 --> 00:34:50,892 Exaggerate?! In that alley it was like ''Call of the Wild''. 502 00:34:51,054 --> 00:34:54,285 - Why didn't you warn me about that copper? - Because I didn't see him. 503 00:34:54,454 --> 00:34:59,209 You didn't see him?! What d'you want, radar or something? 504 00:34:59,374 --> 00:35:02,127 Give him the benefit of the doubt, Del Boy. 505 00:35:02,294 --> 00:35:05,684 Thank you, Grandad. At least somebody understands. 506 00:35:05,854 --> 00:35:10,974 They are difficult to spot with their size 18 boots and their pointed heads. 507 00:35:12,934 --> 00:35:16,165 Why don't you shut yer mouth, you sarky old goat! 508 00:35:16,334 --> 00:35:21,089 What about last Friday with those Italian shirts? Listen to this one, Grandad. 509 00:35:21,254 --> 00:35:26,328 That wasn't just one copper, it was an entire squad car! 510 00:35:26,494 --> 00:35:32,444 It stood by the kerb, allwhite with a red stripe through it like a tube of Signal! 511 00:35:33,734 --> 00:35:37,488 - I didn't see it. - You must have been a bit suspicious... 512 00:35:37,654 --> 00:35:42,330 A ginormous great big jam sandwich pulled up next to you! 513 00:35:42,494 --> 00:35:46,567 - Maybe he needs medical help. - Yeah, like psychiatric treatment! 514 00:35:46,734 --> 00:35:48,292 0r glasses. 515 00:35:48,454 --> 00:35:52,493 I don't need psychiatric treatment and I don't need specs, right? 516 00:35:52,654 --> 00:35:55,214 I've had a lot on me mind. 517 00:35:55,374 --> 00:35:58,252 I have to make a very important announcement. 518 00:35:58,414 --> 00:36:00,689 yeah? What important announcement? 519 00:36:01,894 --> 00:36:03,213 All right. 520 00:36:03,734 --> 00:36:07,886 For the past two weeks I've been taking stock of my life. 521 00:36:08,014 --> 00:36:11,086 Who I am, what I am and where I'm going. 522 00:36:11,854 --> 00:36:17,611 That's taken you a fortnight?! I could've answered them all during a commercial break! 523 00:36:18,574 --> 00:36:20,724 Just shut up for one minute! 524 00:36:21,614 --> 00:36:23,525 I am 24 years old. 525 00:36:23,694 --> 00:36:30,930 I have two GCEs, 13 years of schooling and three terms at an Adult Education Centre. 526 00:36:31,094 --> 00:36:35,087 With allthat, what have I become? I'm a look-out. 527 00:36:37,214 --> 00:36:41,207 No, Rodney, you're wrong, you're not just a look-out... 528 00:36:41,374 --> 00:36:43,604 You're a bad look-out! 529 00:36:43,774 --> 00:36:48,802 All right, so I'm not very good at it. That's 'cause my heart's not in it. 530 00:36:48,974 --> 00:36:52,649 I'm not asking for your heart, just your eyes'll do! 531 00:36:52,814 --> 00:36:55,487 Del, what I'm trying to say is... 532 00:36:57,374 --> 00:37:00,093 I'm thinking of breaking up the partnership. 533 00:37:05,774 --> 00:37:07,093 What partnership? 534 00:37:07,934 --> 00:37:10,164 - 0urs! - What for? 535 00:37:10,334 --> 00:37:13,565 We're doing well. business is booming. What more d'you want? 536 00:37:13,734 --> 00:37:16,453 I want to make my own decisions. 537 00:37:17,734 --> 00:37:20,806 I've made one, Del... I'm going it alone. 538 00:37:20,974 --> 00:37:23,534 - Who with? - Mickey Pearce. 539 00:37:23,694 --> 00:37:28,085 Mickey Pearce?! Leave it out! He couldn't keep a rabbit in lettuce. 540 00:37:28,254 --> 00:37:32,042 That young Pearcey is a bit too fly for my liking. 541 00:37:32,214 --> 00:37:34,808 He'd rob his own grandmother, he would! 542 00:37:34,974 --> 00:37:36,885 Don't be stupid, Grandad! 543 00:37:37,374 --> 00:37:41,686 That was never proved. Anyway, give credit where it's due! 544 00:37:41,854 --> 00:37:47,133 Mickey's quite an astute businessman. And he's putting capital into this venture. 545 00:37:47,294 --> 00:37:49,762 He's putting money in, is he? 546 00:37:49,934 --> 00:37:53,643 Well. no, but he will as soon as his giro cheque arrives. 547 00:37:54,094 --> 00:37:58,212 - I see. And what are you putting in? - I've got money, Del! 548 00:37:58,374 --> 00:38:01,730 Yeah, I've got my half of the partnership. 549 00:38:02,254 --> 00:38:04,245 What partnersh...? 0ur par...? 550 00:38:12,734 --> 00:38:16,522 All right, if that is the way you want it, my son. 551 00:38:17,454 --> 00:38:19,809 You'll have to understand one thing, Rodney. 552 00:38:19,974 --> 00:38:22,647 Going it alone means exactly what it says. 553 00:38:22,814 --> 00:38:27,934 You pay your own way in the world, in the pubs and in this house. 554 00:38:28,094 --> 00:38:31,086 You make a mistake, you stick by that mistake. 555 00:38:31,254 --> 00:38:32,573 Fine! 556 00:38:32,734 --> 00:38:36,488 If things don't go right, I don't want no moaning from you. 557 00:38:36,654 --> 00:38:39,373 - I won't moan about nothing. - Right! 558 00:38:39,894 --> 00:38:41,373 There you go, then. 559 00:38:44,654 --> 00:38:46,326 Is this all I got? 560 00:38:46,494 --> 00:38:49,611 Allthem years of work and you give me this?! 561 00:38:49,774 --> 00:38:52,572 Well. business is a bit shaky, profits are down... 562 00:38:52,734 --> 00:38:55,567 Just now you said we was doing well! 563 00:38:55,734 --> 00:38:59,044 We are doing well. relatively speaking, Rodney. 564 00:38:59,214 --> 00:39:03,173 We are doing well compared to... an Iranian gin salesman! 565 00:39:03,894 --> 00:39:07,648 Anyway, I had to buy some stock off Alfie Flowers yesterday. 566 00:39:07,814 --> 00:39:12,092 - A trader is only as good as his stock, right? - All right. 567 00:39:12,254 --> 00:39:14,085 This'll have to do, then. 568 00:39:14,894 --> 00:39:20,207 I'll prove to you that I have got business acumen and I'm as quick-witted as you, Del. 569 00:39:21,054 --> 00:39:25,332 - See you down the auction tomorrow. - How will I recognise you? 570 00:39:25,494 --> 00:39:27,485 That stripey tie with.... 571 00:39:28,614 --> 00:39:30,206 See you later! 572 00:39:31,374 --> 00:39:35,765 Lot 35 is a consignment of smoke-damaged fire alarms. 573 00:39:35,934 --> 00:39:41,804 They're industrial models, all guaranteed, sort of, to be in perfect working order. 574 00:39:41,974 --> 00:39:46,172 The nightwatchman said they all went off when the factory went up! 575 00:39:46,334 --> 00:39:51,089 There are seventy, alltold, and they retail around the 30 quid mark. 576 00:39:51,254 --> 00:39:53,484 I'll start at $50 the lot. 577 00:39:53,894 --> 00:39:58,888 - Go on, bid for 'em! - What do we want fire alarms for, eh? 578 00:39:59,054 --> 00:40:02,967 How many factories do we know are gonna catch fire? 579 00:40:03,134 --> 00:40:04,453 All right, Rodney? 580 00:40:05,614 --> 00:40:06,933 Good morning, Derek. 581 00:40:07,814 --> 00:40:11,773 - Hello, young Michael. - Wotcher, Del! Good 'ere, innit? 582 00:40:12,934 --> 00:40:14,253 Triffic. 583 00:40:14,894 --> 00:40:16,532 This is my first auction. 584 00:40:16,694 --> 00:40:18,571 I thought it might be. 585 00:40:19,494 --> 00:40:21,371 Listen, a word of advice. 586 00:40:21,534 --> 00:40:25,573 You gotta be very carefulwhat you do with your hands in this place. 587 00:40:25,734 --> 00:40:29,773 I know you didn't realise, but you just put in a $40 bid 588 00:40:29,934 --> 00:40:33,085 for an electric generator when you scratched yer bum! 589 00:40:33,254 --> 00:40:36,610 - Did I? - He's winding you up. 590 00:40:37,534 --> 00:40:39,331 The state of him! 591 00:40:41,894 --> 00:40:44,249 - What you after? - Cut-glass goblets. 592 00:40:44,414 --> 00:40:45,733 No, we ain't. 593 00:40:45,894 --> 00:40:49,728 - But I thought you said... - We're not after nothing in particular. 594 00:40:50,694 --> 00:40:52,446 I see. Now, listen... 595 00:40:53,014 --> 00:40:55,767 The one you wanna be wary of is Lot 37. 596 00:40:55,934 --> 00:41:00,724 It's nothing more than a load of old scrap iron, so be careful. 597 00:41:01,934 --> 00:41:03,253 See you later. 598 00:41:08,134 --> 00:41:11,570 $130! Do I hear any more? $130! 599 00:41:12,334 --> 00:41:14,290 Down to young Towser! 600 00:41:15,214 --> 00:41:18,445 Ladies and gentlemen, we come to Lot 36. 601 00:41:19,254 --> 00:41:24,328 112 pieces of near perfect cut-glass goblets. Take a look, ladies and gentlemen! 602 00:41:24,494 --> 00:41:27,406 - This is us, Rodney. - Hang on a minute. 603 00:41:27,574 --> 00:41:30,327 Let's have another look at Lot 37. 604 00:41:30,494 --> 00:41:34,692 - Deltold us to be careful of that one. - Why d'you think? 605 00:41:34,854 --> 00:41:39,450 Use yer noddle, Mickey! Del's after Lot 37, ain't he? 606 00:41:39,614 --> 00:41:42,890 He's trying to put us off and leave the field open for him. 607 00:41:43,054 --> 00:41:45,648 I know how his mind works, son. 608 00:41:46,534 --> 00:41:50,812 Right. Lot 37... ''Assorted agricultural machinery.'' 609 00:41:50,974 --> 00:41:52,965 That could be anything. 610 00:41:53,134 --> 00:41:56,012 That could be tractors, combine harvesters... 611 00:41:56,174 --> 00:42:00,008 We could take them out to the sticks and do those carrot-crunchers up! 612 00:42:00,174 --> 00:42:02,369 Shallwe go for Lot 37, then? 613 00:42:02,534 --> 00:42:04,445 - Yeah. - Yeah. 614 00:42:04,614 --> 00:42:05,933 Yeah...! 615 00:42:08,094 --> 00:42:10,324 You bought this, son? 616 00:42:10,774 --> 00:42:12,093 Yeah. 617 00:42:13,614 --> 00:42:16,128 There's always one at every auction, eh, Del?. 618 00:42:16,294 --> 00:42:19,252 Yeah. Get two for the same price at this one. 619 00:42:19,414 --> 00:42:25,011 - 0i, you! This stuff is a load of rubbish. - I did try to warn you, Rodders. 620 00:42:25,174 --> 00:42:30,532 - Yeah, but I thought... - The trouble is, you will insist on thinking! 621 00:42:31,254 --> 00:42:36,248 - What have you bought, then? - I got those crystal goblets you were after. 622 00:42:37,294 --> 00:42:39,854 - What are these things? - What, those? 623 00:42:40,014 --> 00:42:41,891 They are lawnmower engines. 624 00:42:42,054 --> 00:42:44,090 - Lawnmower engines? - Yes. Listen... 625 00:42:44,574 --> 00:42:46,769 They're not ordinary lawnmower engines. 626 00:42:50,174 --> 00:42:52,165 - No? - No. 627 00:42:53,454 --> 00:42:55,570 They're broken lawnmower engines! 628 00:43:04,454 --> 00:43:10,245 Del?. We'll have a few problems getting these back to the depot. 629 00:43:10,894 --> 00:43:14,170 We come down on the Green Line, see? 630 00:43:14,334 --> 00:43:18,373 Well. your best bet is to hire an open-backed truck, innit? 631 00:43:18,534 --> 00:43:19,853 Yeah. 632 00:43:20,294 --> 00:43:24,765 We was wondering whether you could take a few in the van? 633 00:43:25,174 --> 00:43:26,892 Back of my van? 634 00:43:28,654 --> 00:43:30,724 You must be joking! 635 00:43:31,334 --> 00:43:34,326 I've only just cleared 'em out of the van! 636 00:43:37,374 --> 00:43:39,683 You was selling 'em in the first place? 637 00:43:39,854 --> 00:43:41,173 Yeah. 638 00:43:41,774 --> 00:43:44,607 That is the rubbish Alfie Flowers sold me. 639 00:43:44,774 --> 00:43:49,768 Normally I'd never buy it, but he caught me a bit non comPos mentisdown the club. 640 00:43:51,614 --> 00:43:57,405 I never thought I'd ever get shot of 'em, but you know me - ''He who dares, wins''. 641 00:43:57,574 --> 00:44:01,010 I actually made a tidy little profit on it, an' all! 642 00:44:02,894 --> 00:44:05,408 What are we supposed to do with 'em? 643 00:44:05,574 --> 00:44:06,893 Do what I did. 644 00:44:07,054 --> 00:44:11,047 Find yourself a couple of right plonkers with cash on the hip. 645 00:44:17,254 --> 00:44:18,926 What we gonna do? 646 00:44:20,734 --> 00:44:23,453 Wait till he ain't looking and run away. 647 00:44:24,694 --> 00:44:27,128 We can't do that. He's got my address. 648 00:44:27,294 --> 00:44:29,012 Well. he ain't got mine. 649 00:44:29,174 --> 00:44:30,971 0h, thanks, partner! 650 00:44:31,134 --> 00:44:33,489 You would insist on bidding for 'em. 651 00:44:33,654 --> 00:44:37,283 And who wanted to flog 'em to the carrot-crunchers? 652 00:44:37,454 --> 00:44:40,252 You said they were combine harvesters and tractors. 653 00:44:40,414 --> 00:44:44,532 The way you were talking we were gonna do a dealwith Weetabix! 654 00:44:46,174 --> 00:44:48,165 (MICKEY) How we gonna get home? 655 00:44:50,214 --> 00:44:52,170 Hello, Grandad. Here we are! 656 00:44:52,334 --> 00:44:54,894 Brought you some strawberries. Go on, dip in! 657 00:44:55,774 --> 00:44:58,368 They ain't very big, are they? 658 00:44:58,534 --> 00:45:01,890 Not big?! You wouldn't want one up your nose for a wart! 659 00:45:02,054 --> 00:45:03,407 Well. no! 660 00:45:05,574 --> 00:45:08,646 Shut up and eat up! I'll put the kettle on. 661 00:45:08,814 --> 00:45:10,725 You're splashing out a bit! 662 00:45:10,894 --> 00:45:13,647 I've had a right blinding week, sold a lot. 663 00:45:13,814 --> 00:45:17,329 I even sold those technicolour woollen tea cosies. 664 00:45:17,694 --> 00:45:21,767 How d'you manage that? Who wants woollen tea cosies these days? 665 00:45:21,934 --> 00:45:25,847 No, I got that Mrs Murphy to stitch up allthe holes, 666 00:45:26,014 --> 00:45:28,084 then I whipped round the youth centre 667 00:45:28,254 --> 00:45:32,372 and I flogged 'em to the West Indian lads as soppy hats! 668 00:45:34,494 --> 00:45:36,928 There's the house-keeping money, right? 669 00:45:37,094 --> 00:45:40,291 - And there's a tenner for yourself. - Cheers, Del! 670 00:45:40,454 --> 00:45:44,493 - Don't squander it! - No, I'll invest it wisely... 671 00:45:46,774 --> 00:45:48,651 How's young Rodney doing? 672 00:45:48,814 --> 00:45:51,408 The opposition are floundering somewhat. 673 00:45:51,574 --> 00:45:53,132 To be more precise, 674 00:45:53,294 --> 00:45:57,082 they're going down like a one-legged man doing the hokey-cokey! 675 00:45:58,574 --> 00:46:02,203 I've seen Rodney skulking around the garden centres and what-have-yer. 676 00:46:02,374 --> 00:46:04,888 He ain't got rid of them lawnmower engines yet? 677 00:46:05,054 --> 00:46:07,852 No, they're still in their depot. 678 00:46:08,014 --> 00:46:11,245 ''Depot'' - that's Mickey Pearce's garden shed! 679 00:46:11,414 --> 00:46:12,733 Talking about that... 680 00:46:13,614 --> 00:46:18,005 What happened last Tuesday, somebody broke in and nicked two engines. 681 00:46:18,174 --> 00:46:20,290 0h, no, that's rotten, innit? 682 00:46:20,454 --> 00:46:22,809 I feel sorry for young Rodney. 683 00:46:22,974 --> 00:46:27,172 No, it's all right, because Wednesday they broke in again and put 'em back! 684 00:46:27,334 --> 00:46:28,972 (D00R SLAMS) Here he is! 685 00:46:29,134 --> 00:46:34,254 Listen, Del, don't say nothing about them engines. He's getting embarrassed. 686 00:46:34,414 --> 00:46:36,450 All right, I won't mention 'em. 687 00:46:41,094 --> 00:46:44,564 - All right, Del?. - T'rrif, brill. blinding week. And you? 688 00:46:44,734 --> 00:46:47,043 0h, fine, could not be better. 689 00:46:50,494 --> 00:46:52,246 Sold those lawnmower engines yet? 690 00:46:53,934 --> 00:46:56,812 Lawnmower...? Lawnmower...? 0h, no. 691 00:46:56,974 --> 00:47:00,887 We've had lots of enquiries, but we're hanging on for the right price. 692 00:47:01,054 --> 00:47:05,206 That is the way, Rodney. Agent provocateur, as the French say. 693 00:47:05,374 --> 00:47:06,807 That's what I thought. 694 00:47:08,654 --> 00:47:11,407 That reminds me, did my Sun arrive this morning? 695 00:47:11,574 --> 00:47:15,123 - We've had to cancel it, Rodney. - Cancel it? 696 00:47:15,294 --> 00:47:18,411 - You haven't paid. - That's separate as well?. 697 00:47:18,574 --> 00:47:20,804 You're on your own now, remember? 698 00:47:20,974 --> 00:47:25,252 Yeah, it's all right. As long as I know. I'll pay it tomorrow. 699 00:47:25,614 --> 00:47:27,252 You hungry, Rodney? 700 00:47:28,454 --> 00:47:34,848 Well. I had a hefty lunch with a client... but I could manage some egg and chips. 701 00:47:35,014 --> 00:47:37,926 - I'll put the pan on. - Just a minute! 702 00:47:38,094 --> 00:47:40,289 Has he paid his house-keeping money? 703 00:47:41,174 --> 00:47:44,291 Well. I've a cash-flow problem at the moment. 704 00:47:44,814 --> 00:47:46,532 So has half this estate, 705 00:47:46,694 --> 00:47:49,811 but they don't come and eat my egg and chips. 706 00:47:49,974 --> 00:47:54,365 - It's all right, I'll pay double next week. - That's all right, then. 707 00:47:54,534 --> 00:47:57,446 You can have double egg and chips next week. 708 00:47:57,614 --> 00:48:00,686 How can you have a cash-flow problem, Rodney? 709 00:48:00,854 --> 00:48:03,971 You had $200 out of your share. 710 00:48:04,774 --> 00:48:07,846 Yeah, that's right, but Mickey's holding the money. 711 00:48:11,534 --> 00:48:14,094 Well. he's financial director, see? 712 00:48:14,254 --> 00:48:16,370 Pop round and get some money. 713 00:48:16,534 --> 00:48:20,812 Yeah, I would, but he's... out of town at the moment. 714 00:48:20,974 --> 00:48:24,410 I thought I hadn't seen him around for some days. 715 00:48:24,574 --> 00:48:25,973 No...no... 716 00:48:26,534 --> 00:48:27,853 That's 'cause...erm... 717 00:48:28,014 --> 00:48:32,690 We're doing this big deal and he's gone to tie up the loose ends. 718 00:48:32,854 --> 00:48:36,403 - 0h, that explains it, then. - Explains what? 719 00:48:36,574 --> 00:48:40,362 His mum said she got a postcard from him from Benidorm. 720 00:48:40,534 --> 00:48:43,367 - Benidorm?! - Yeah, he's doing all right. 721 00:48:43,534 --> 00:48:48,608 Weather's fine, food's good, met this Swedish bird called Helga. 722 00:48:48,774 --> 00:48:52,244 0h, would that be the contact that he went to meet? 723 00:48:52,414 --> 00:48:54,405 What? Yeah, yeah... 724 00:48:56,214 --> 00:49:00,651 Well...I've got to admire your bottle, Rodders, I must admit. 725 00:49:00,814 --> 00:49:05,490 Been in business 5 minutes and already you've got a Spanish branch! 726 00:49:07,774 --> 00:49:12,052 You've cornered the world market on broken lawnmower engines. 727 00:49:12,214 --> 00:49:15,604 What's your partner buying? Second-hand pedalos? 728 00:49:16,294 --> 00:49:18,046 No, nothing like that. 729 00:49:18,214 --> 00:49:22,207 We're going into the self-catering holiday trade. 730 00:49:22,374 --> 00:49:26,208 - What? 0n 200 nicker? - We're starting in a smallway. 731 00:49:26,374 --> 00:49:28,808 What, you got a Wendy House? 732 00:49:35,214 --> 00:49:39,446 Grandad, I am not prepared to discuss the situation, all right? 733 00:49:39,614 --> 00:49:42,253 It's confidential information. 734 00:49:42,414 --> 00:49:46,532 I understand, Rodney. No, no, I understand. 735 00:49:48,134 --> 00:49:50,329 - Well. I'm off out. - Where you going? 736 00:49:50,494 --> 00:49:54,043 I might go and have a couple of ales down the Nag's Head 737 00:49:54,214 --> 00:49:58,765 and go on to the Star of Bengal for a Ruby Murray. 738 00:49:58,934 --> 00:50:00,970 - Coming? - I'm potless, ain't I? 739 00:50:01,134 --> 00:50:02,453 What? 740 00:50:03,294 --> 00:50:07,446 No, I really ought to stay in and do the company accounts. 741 00:50:07,934 --> 00:50:09,686 - Here they are. - Cheers. 742 00:50:27,334 --> 00:50:31,043 You don't really think I'm that hard, do you, Rodney? 743 00:50:31,214 --> 00:50:32,533 Nah. 744 00:50:32,694 --> 00:50:36,528 - No, 'course I'm not! - 0h, cheers, Del. 745 00:50:38,214 --> 00:50:41,286 Grandad, do him them egg and chips, willyer? 746 00:50:42,654 --> 00:50:44,485 (BENGALI MUSIC) 747 00:50:57,094 --> 00:50:59,972 0i! Tony! None of the boys been in? 748 00:51:00,134 --> 00:51:03,843 I haven't seen any of them. 0h, Towser's just come in. 749 00:51:04,014 --> 00:51:06,812 Has he? Where? 0i, Towser! 750 00:51:07,614 --> 00:51:08,933 Towser! 751 00:51:09,534 --> 00:51:10,853 (WHISTLES) 752 00:51:11,894 --> 00:51:14,931 Sorry, madam. Your onion bhaji's down by your foot. 753 00:51:16,414 --> 00:51:19,770 - Hallo, Del! - All right! Have a poppadom. 754 00:51:19,934 --> 00:51:23,643 I can't get involved. I'm getting the missus a take-away. 755 00:51:23,814 --> 00:51:26,203 You've got time for a drink. 756 00:51:26,374 --> 00:51:29,252 Listen, I want you to do me a favour. 757 00:51:29,414 --> 00:51:31,609 - What?! - Sit down, sit down! 758 00:51:31,814 --> 00:51:36,808 You know those broken engines that dozy Rodney got lumbered with? 759 00:51:36,974 --> 00:51:40,250 - I want you to buy 'em. - Do what?! 760 00:51:40,414 --> 00:51:43,690 Do me a favour! Alfie offered me them month ago. 761 00:51:43,854 --> 00:51:49,531 - I want nothing to do with 'em. - You don't have to spend any money. 762 00:51:49,694 --> 00:51:51,412 I'll give you the money. 763 00:51:52,254 --> 00:51:53,573 See that? 764 00:51:53,734 --> 00:51:56,567 200 quid, I want you to offer him that. 765 00:51:56,734 --> 00:51:58,053 200?! 766 00:51:58,214 --> 00:52:01,012 They're only worth about a score, scrap value. 767 00:52:01,174 --> 00:52:04,325 I want him to think he's made a good profit. 768 00:52:04,494 --> 00:52:08,009 He's been tucked up chronic by his mate, now he's boracic. 769 00:52:08,174 --> 00:52:12,531 - Just give him the money. - No, 'cause it'll seem like charity. 770 00:52:13,934 --> 00:52:18,610 - Yeah, he's too proud to accept it. - No, he'd snap it up like a shot! 771 00:52:19,414 --> 00:52:23,612 But I want him to think that he's been successful. 772 00:52:23,774 --> 00:52:28,052 I want him to believe that he's proved me wrong. It's important. 773 00:52:30,134 --> 00:52:32,250 All right, if that's what you want. 774 00:52:32,414 --> 00:52:33,733 You're a pal. 775 00:52:35,374 --> 00:52:38,525 Don't let him know that I'm behind it! 776 00:52:38,694 --> 00:52:42,448 Say you've got this contact in the GLC parks department, 777 00:52:42,614 --> 00:52:45,367 and they can't get enough lawnmower engines. 778 00:52:45,534 --> 00:52:49,288 The thing is, I'm not gonna lose out on the deal, 779 00:52:49,454 --> 00:52:50,967 because, this time tomorrow, 780 00:52:51,134 --> 00:52:57,004 Rodney'llwant to be my partner again and I will get my money back! See? 781 00:52:57,174 --> 00:53:00,291 Hey, wait a minute! What about the engines? 782 00:53:00,454 --> 00:53:03,571 - Dump 'em somewhere! - No, I couldn't do that. 783 00:53:03,734 --> 00:53:08,250 I got nicked for fly-dumping. They'll chuck the book at me. 784 00:53:08,414 --> 00:53:12,930 Tellyou what to do, give 'em back to Alfie for nothing. 785 00:53:13,454 --> 00:53:15,046 Yeah, all right, Del. 786 00:53:15,654 --> 00:53:17,212 Here, hang about! 787 00:53:17,814 --> 00:53:19,486 What's in it for me? 788 00:53:23,334 --> 00:53:26,326 - Give you 15 for it. - 0h, yeah? 789 00:53:26,494 --> 00:53:28,371 - 20! - That'll do. 790 00:53:28,534 --> 00:53:29,853 Thank you. 791 00:53:30,134 --> 00:53:31,613 Anything for a mate! 792 00:53:33,814 --> 00:53:36,647 I wouldn't pay that bill if I were you. 793 00:53:36,814 --> 00:53:39,044 (T0NY) Thank you, Del! 794 00:53:44,734 --> 00:53:47,453 - All right, Rodders? - Yeah, cheers... 795 00:53:49,694 --> 00:53:51,924 I've had a right blinding day! 796 00:53:52,094 --> 00:53:55,769 Here, there was a silly bloke down the market today. 797 00:53:55,934 --> 00:53:59,051 He must have come from the funny farm! 798 00:53:59,214 --> 00:54:03,173 I said, ''D'you wanna buy some broken lawnmower engines?'' 799 00:54:03,334 --> 00:54:05,894 He said to me, ''I ain't that silly!'' 800 00:54:07,334 --> 00:54:09,643 For your information, Derek, 801 00:54:09,814 --> 00:54:14,649 this morning I successfully negotiated the sale of them engines to Towser. 802 00:54:14,814 --> 00:54:18,887 - You're kidding me? - No, he's bought the lot! 803 00:54:19,054 --> 00:54:22,012 He's got a contact in the GLC parks department. 804 00:54:22,174 --> 00:54:24,165 That's a stroke of luck, innit? 805 00:54:24,334 --> 00:54:28,407 No, it's not luck, Del. That is good business sense. 806 00:54:28,574 --> 00:54:31,884 I knew if I held on, I'd get my price. 807 00:54:32,054 --> 00:54:35,205 Well. I must say I admire your courage, Rodders. 808 00:54:35,374 --> 00:54:37,251 He who dares, wins! 809 00:54:39,454 --> 00:54:40,967 Yeah, that's right. 810 00:54:42,294 --> 00:54:45,650 Mickey is gonna be pleased when he gets back. 811 00:54:45,814 --> 00:54:48,169 Don't talk to me about Mickey Pearce! 812 00:54:48,334 --> 00:54:50,211 I've liquidated our partnership. 813 00:54:51,974 --> 00:54:55,683 What you gonna do, then? Still carry on, on yer own? 814 00:54:57,534 --> 00:54:59,445 Well. I was thinking... 815 00:55:01,374 --> 00:55:02,887 0h, you know! 816 00:55:03,054 --> 00:55:04,373 What? 817 00:55:04,534 --> 00:55:07,253 Go back as we was, you and me? 818 00:55:07,414 --> 00:55:09,974 Yeah, you and me, Del, eh? 819 00:55:10,134 --> 00:55:13,524 Now I've got experience in buying and selling, meself. 820 00:55:13,694 --> 00:55:16,083 Yeah, that could be invaluable, Rodders (!) 821 00:55:17,014 --> 00:55:20,768 0K, then, let's pool our resources! There we go. 822 00:55:20,934 --> 00:55:24,244 How much did you get for them lawnmower engines? 823 00:55:24,414 --> 00:55:26,086 $165. 824 00:55:31,014 --> 00:55:32,686 Is that all...? 825 00:55:32,854 --> 00:55:37,052 It's not bad. They're only worth a score, scrap value. 826 00:55:38,054 --> 00:55:41,126 You HAVE learnt a lot, Rodders. 827 00:55:41,294 --> 00:55:44,331 - Let's see yer money! - I ain't got it. 828 00:55:44,494 --> 00:55:46,564 That Towser didn't pay yer? 829 00:55:46,734 --> 00:55:49,248 He paid me, but I've invested the money. 830 00:55:49,414 --> 00:55:54,488 - You did what? - I got us more of Alfie's engines! 831 00:56:05,574 --> 00:56:07,849 You're joking! Tell me you're joking! 832 00:56:08,014 --> 00:56:12,883 No! Towser's bloke at the GLC can't get enough of 'em! 833 00:56:13,054 --> 00:56:15,568 I was dead lucky down at Alfie's. 834 00:56:15,734 --> 00:56:18,328 He'd had another load delivered this morning! 835 00:56:19,534 --> 00:56:22,287 Don't worry, they're exactly the same as the others. 836 00:56:26,134 --> 00:56:28,932 You can bet your life they're the same! 837 00:56:30,334 --> 00:56:34,168 What a 42-carat plonker, you really are! 838 00:56:35,734 --> 00:56:39,010 Come on, Del, show a bit of faith in me! 839 00:56:39,494 --> 00:56:41,724 Yes, anything you say, Rodney. 840 00:56:41,894 --> 00:56:43,486 Anything you say. 841 00:56:43,654 --> 00:56:44,973 Good. 842 00:56:45,134 --> 00:56:46,453 0i, Del... 843 00:56:46,614 --> 00:56:50,732 Now we're partners again, d'you think you could help me out? 844 00:56:50,894 --> 00:56:53,567 'Cause I ain't had a pint allweek. 845 00:56:53,734 --> 00:56:58,444 All I've had is Grandad's cooking and the sole's coming off me Gucci! 846 00:56:58,614 --> 00:56:59,933 Look! 847 00:57:00,814 --> 00:57:02,805 Yeah, I'll help you out, Rodders. 848 00:57:04,134 --> 00:57:08,844 Put that round yer Googee and it'll stop the sole coming off! 849 00:57:13,934 --> 00:57:17,370 # We've got some half-price cracked ice And miles and miles of carpet tiles 850 00:57:17,534 --> 00:57:20,412 # TVs, deep freeze and David Bowie LPs 851 00:57:20,574 --> 00:57:23,213 # Ball games, gold chains, what's-their-names and at a push 852 00:57:23,374 --> 00:57:26,491 # Some Trevor Francis tracksuits from a mush in Shepherd's Bush 853 00:57:26,654 --> 00:57:29,168 # Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush 854 00:57:29,334 --> 00:57:32,212 # No income tax, no VAT 855 00:57:32,374 --> 00:57:35,650 # No money back, no guarantee 856 00:57:35,814 --> 00:57:38,692 # Black or white, rich or broke 857 00:57:38,854 --> 00:57:43,325 # We'll cut prices at a stroke 858 00:57:43,494 --> 00:57:46,372 # God bless Hooky Street! 859 00:57:46,534 --> 00:57:49,446 # Viva Hooky Street! 860 00:57:49,614 --> 00:57:52,128 # Long live Hooky Street! 861 00:57:52,294 --> 00:57:55,604 # C'est magnifique, Hooky Street! 862 00:57:55,774 --> 00:57:58,925 # Magnifique, Hooky Street! 863 00:58:00,374 --> 00:58:02,012 # Hooky Street! 864 00:58:03,454 --> 00:58:05,490 # Hooky Street! # 865 00:58:10,581 --> 00:58:13,493 # Stick a pony in me pocket 866 00:58:14,461 --> 00:58:17,294 # I'llfetch the suitcase from the van 867 00:58:18,301 --> 00:58:22,180 # 'Cause if you want the best 'uns But you don't ask questions 868 00:58:22,341 --> 00:58:25,094 # Then, brother, I'm your man 869 00:58:25,261 --> 00:58:29,174 # 'Cause where it all comes from is a mystery 870 00:58:29,341 --> 00:58:33,016 # It's like the changing of the seasons And the tides of the sea 871 00:58:33,181 --> 00:58:36,537 # But here's the one that's driving me berserk: 872 00:58:36,701 --> 00:58:40,580 # Why do only fools and horses work? # 873 00:58:49,261 --> 00:58:54,494 (DEL) Come on! Let's have it on. Get it on. That's it. Carefulwith it! 874 00:58:54,661 --> 00:58:57,494 - We ain't got all day. - It's heavy! 875 00:58:57,701 --> 00:58:59,214 - Move it. - Keep going. 876 00:58:59,381 --> 00:59:01,895 Mind your hernia, Grandad! 877 00:59:02,061 --> 00:59:05,337 That's it! Put your end down, Grandad. 878 00:59:05,501 --> 00:59:09,699 Gordon Bennett, Rodney, what is your game?! 879 00:59:09,861 --> 00:59:15,333 This could be deluxe Chippendale. You're treating it like we're putting it on the bonfire. 880 00:59:15,501 --> 00:59:20,973 - Best place for it! - This could be a Queen Anne cabinet. 881 00:59:21,141 --> 00:59:24,372 - Give over, Del. - It don't look old to me! 882 00:59:24,541 --> 00:59:28,420 When you were a lad this was probably G-plan! 883 00:59:29,421 --> 00:59:33,209 To anyone born after the Napoleonic wars, 884 00:59:33,381 --> 00:59:35,417 this is antique. 885 00:59:35,581 --> 00:59:38,812 I'm putting an ad in the papers, but I don't know what to charge. 886 00:59:38,981 --> 00:59:40,653 What d'you reckon, 95? 887 00:59:40,821 --> 00:59:44,734 Why don't you go the whole hog and make it a pound? 888 00:59:45,261 --> 00:59:48,139 You're starting to annoy me. 889 00:59:48,301 --> 00:59:50,337 It's got woodworm! 890 00:59:50,501 --> 00:59:54,414 - It's not woodworm. - What's allthem little holes? 891 00:59:54,581 --> 00:59:57,175 Maybe Queen Anne played darts. 892 00:59:57,381 --> 00:59:59,576 Where are these lifts? 893 00:59:59,741 --> 01:00:04,098 I'm considering letting the British Museum look at it. 894 01:00:04,301 --> 01:00:06,815 I'd let Rentokil have a go first. 895 01:00:06,981 --> 01:00:10,417 You don't know nothing about antiques, do you? 896 01:00:10,581 --> 01:00:16,338 Dealers often put holes in items like this to give it that sort of distressed look. 897 01:00:16,501 --> 01:00:19,618 Distressed? Del, this thing looks panic-stricken! 898 01:00:21,021 --> 01:00:24,616 Where are these rotten lifts? 899 01:00:24,781 --> 01:00:28,057 If those kids have jammed them again, I'll clip their ears! 900 01:00:30,941 --> 01:00:34,058 I don't believe it. I don't believe it! 901 01:00:34,221 --> 01:00:38,976 Del, it was a complete accident. It just come off in his hands. 902 01:00:39,141 --> 01:00:41,974 You lying little git, you ripped it off! 903 01:00:42,141 --> 01:00:44,735 Grandfather, tellthe truth for once. 904 01:00:45,861 --> 01:00:50,730 This thing has survived the Spanish Armada, the Black Death and the Blitz. 905 01:00:50,901 --> 01:00:53,813 Then you two cack-handed sods come along, 906 01:00:53,981 --> 01:00:57,098 and in five minutes you've destroyed a piece of our national heritage. 907 01:00:58,501 --> 01:01:02,494 - Morning, Mr Trotter. - Morning, Mrs Murphy. 908 01:01:02,661 --> 01:01:03,980 You could... 909 01:01:04,141 --> 01:01:06,974 That was the lift. That was the lift! 910 01:01:09,941 --> 01:01:12,091 What am I going to do about that thing, eh? 911 01:01:12,261 --> 01:01:15,617 You can't bodge about with this sort of quality. 912 01:01:15,781 --> 01:01:19,171 It'lltake the skills of a fully-trained furniture restorer. 913 01:01:19,381 --> 01:01:23,056 - That ain't half dear, Del Boy. - Are they? 914 01:01:23,221 --> 01:01:26,258 Rodney, whip down the DIY shop and get a bag of nails. 915 01:01:29,821 --> 01:01:31,698 'Ere you are! 916 01:01:31,861 --> 01:01:35,331 ''Queen Anne cabinet, genuine antique... 917 01:01:35,501 --> 01:01:37,492 ''Good as new... 918 01:01:37,661 --> 01:01:39,970 ''Lovely condition throughout... 919 01:01:40,141 --> 01:01:44,180 ''A snip at $145.'' 920 01:01:45,501 --> 01:01:49,540 You could make the Elgin Marbles sound like a second-hand Datsun! 921 01:01:49,701 --> 01:01:51,692 How much of this stuff did you selltoday? 922 01:01:51,861 --> 01:01:54,329 Pounds sterling or number of items? 923 01:01:54,501 --> 01:01:55,820 -Either. - None. 924 01:01:55,981 --> 01:01:58,336 - None?! - People ain't interested. 925 01:01:58,501 --> 01:02:00,571 Gordon Bennett, Rodney! 926 01:02:00,741 --> 01:02:04,734 A prime site in the Arndale Centre and you can't even get shot of a pair of pop socks. 927 01:02:04,901 --> 01:02:06,937 You want to grow up a bit, my son. 928 01:02:07,101 --> 01:02:10,935 I suppose you spent all day playing marbles with that mate, Elgin, of yours. 929 01:02:11,461 --> 01:02:12,780 What? 930 01:02:12,941 --> 01:02:17,253 What you doing tomorrow, Rodney? Are you and Micky Pearce playing fivestones? 931 01:02:17,421 --> 01:02:20,493 (D00RBELL) You want to pullyour socks up. 932 01:02:20,661 --> 01:02:24,256 These look like living bras that ain't been well. 933 01:02:24,421 --> 01:02:26,139 (D00RBELL) 934 01:02:26,301 --> 01:02:28,815 Hang about! Don't knock the battery out. 935 01:02:31,501 --> 01:02:32,820 Good evening! 936 01:02:36,381 --> 01:02:38,258 (P0SH) Miranda Davenport. 937 01:02:38,941 --> 01:02:40,579 Eh? 938 01:02:40,741 --> 01:02:44,973 - Miranda Davenport. - I think I know what this is about. 939 01:02:45,141 --> 01:02:49,259 If it was your Mercedes I backed into, I can assure you... 940 01:02:49,421 --> 01:02:52,140 You obviously haven't the faintest idea why I'm here. 941 01:02:52,301 --> 01:02:56,499 I telephoned earlier. About your ad for the Queen Anne cabinet. 942 01:02:56,661 --> 01:02:57,980 Gotcha! 943 01:02:58,141 --> 01:03:01,656 I left a message with an elderly gentleman. He did sound somewhat vague. 944 01:03:01,781 --> 01:03:05,410 Yes, he is rather vague. He had a bang on the head, you see. 945 01:03:06,261 --> 01:03:08,695 - When did it happen? - Soon. 946 01:03:08,861 --> 01:03:12,217 Do come in, Miss Davenport, there you go. 947 01:03:12,381 --> 01:03:16,056 - May I callyou Miranda? - I suppose so. 948 01:03:16,221 --> 01:03:19,133 Do you know, Miranda is my most favourite name? 949 01:03:19,301 --> 01:03:22,020 My name is Del, short for Derek. 950 01:03:22,181 --> 01:03:24,536 How do you do? Please go in the sitting room. 951 01:03:25,741 --> 01:03:27,936 (R0DNEY) 0i, Grandad! 952 01:03:28,101 --> 01:03:31,013 (R0DNEY SINGS ''THE STRIPPER'') 953 01:03:32,501 --> 01:03:33,980 Good evening... 954 01:03:34,981 --> 01:03:37,620 Grandad, did someone call earlier about the cabinet? 955 01:03:37,781 --> 01:03:39,772 0h, yeah. She's coming round this evening. 956 01:03:39,941 --> 01:03:42,375 Some posh tart! 957 01:03:42,541 --> 01:03:45,658 Some posh tart? He's a card, ain't he? 958 01:03:45,821 --> 01:03:48,415 Yes, isn't he just? 959 01:03:48,581 --> 01:03:50,776 Rodney, clear allthis, come on! 960 01:03:50,941 --> 01:03:53,330 Put your homework away, willyou? 961 01:04:01,541 --> 01:04:03,532 Well. what do you think? 962 01:04:03,701 --> 01:04:07,376 Very nice! Where is the Queen Anne cabinet? 963 01:04:07,541 --> 01:04:09,532 This is it. 964 01:04:09,701 --> 01:04:11,771 This is the Queen Anne cabinet...? 965 01:04:11,941 --> 01:04:16,059 This is definitely Queen Anne. It's been given the once-over by experts. 966 01:04:16,221 --> 01:04:20,180 Do you know anything about antiques, Miranda? 967 01:04:20,341 --> 01:04:22,775 Yes, I run my own antique shop in Chelsea. 968 01:04:25,421 --> 01:04:28,299 Well. it might not be Queen Anne... 969 01:04:28,461 --> 01:04:33,012 It isn't. It's Queen Elizabeth, circa 1955. 970 01:04:33,181 --> 01:04:37,333 Look inside. You'll see, beneath the dust and cobwebs, some faded lettering. 971 01:04:42,181 --> 01:04:44,251 - ''Fy.... - ''Ff...'' 972 01:04:44,421 --> 01:04:46,981 Thank you, Rodney! ''E...s.'' 973 01:04:47,141 --> 01:04:49,450 Fyffes? 974 01:04:49,621 --> 01:04:50,940 Fyffes? 975 01:04:51,101 --> 01:04:56,812 - Didn't they used to make bananas? - That is correct. 976 01:04:56,981 --> 01:04:59,097 So, what does that indicate, then? 977 01:04:59,261 --> 01:05:01,729 It indicates banana boxes, of course. 978 01:05:02,021 --> 01:05:06,651 - Maybe they was antique banana boxes. - Thank you very much, Grandad. 979 01:05:06,821 --> 01:05:09,779 Why don't you go and watch The Chinese Detective on the portable? 980 01:05:09,941 --> 01:05:12,853 - Go on. - All right, I know where I'm not wanted. 981 01:05:15,421 --> 01:05:19,130 He never quite got over Suez. 982 01:05:19,341 --> 01:05:21,730 Well. are you interested in it, Miranda? 983 01:05:21,901 --> 01:05:25,450 - No, I'm afraid not, Mr Trotter. - 0h! 984 01:05:25,621 --> 01:05:27,771 What do you think we should do with it? 985 01:05:27,941 --> 01:05:31,377 I'm not sure. Is there a tip near here? 986 01:05:31,541 --> 01:05:34,499 There must be a wally somewhere who'd want to buy it. 987 01:05:34,661 --> 01:05:37,175 Let's face it, you bought it last week. 988 01:05:39,301 --> 01:05:41,098 That's rather pretty. 989 01:05:41,261 --> 01:05:46,210 That? You must be joking. It gives me itchy fever every time I look at it. 990 01:05:46,381 --> 01:05:48,372 I think it's rather sweet. 991 01:05:48,541 --> 01:05:50,771 - Is it for sale? - No, definitely not. 992 01:05:50,941 --> 01:05:53,216 No, that is a family hair loom. 993 01:05:53,381 --> 01:05:57,374 It belonged to my late-departed grandmother. We couldn't possibly sell it, could we, Rodney? 994 01:05:57,541 --> 01:06:01,216 - Eh? - No, no. Is it valuable, then? 995 01:06:01,381 --> 01:06:05,260 No, it's worthless, I just rather like it, that's all. 996 01:06:05,421 --> 01:06:10,893 I'm redecorating my London flat and I'm on the lookout for little pieces like that. 997 01:06:11,061 --> 01:06:13,336 Still. never mind. 998 01:06:13,501 --> 01:06:18,859 You know, I'm rather in two minds about this cabinet now. 999 01:06:19,021 --> 01:06:21,410 You think it might have some potential?. 1000 01:06:21,581 --> 01:06:22,934 I'm not sure. 1001 01:06:23,101 --> 01:06:28,459 What's persuading me is that you're obviously a man with an eye for this sort of thing. 1002 01:06:28,621 --> 01:06:31,579 0oh, yes, petit Suisse! 1003 01:06:31,741 --> 01:06:36,815 Right... Whereas I'm just a woman trying to make her way in the big wide world. 1004 01:06:36,981 --> 01:06:40,098 0h, yes, it's dog eat dog in the antique game, Miranda. 1005 01:06:40,261 --> 01:06:41,580 I know. 1006 01:06:41,741 --> 01:06:46,053 Derek, you'll most probably say no, but... 1007 01:06:46,461 --> 01:06:49,373 I was wondering whether we could go into this together. 1008 01:06:49,541 --> 01:06:51,736 How do you mean, Miranda? 1009 01:06:51,901 --> 01:06:56,656 Well. I was thinking we could take this to the workroom at the back of my shop. 1010 01:06:56,821 --> 01:07:02,020 I have a very good man there who could possibly restore this to its former glory. 1011 01:07:02,181 --> 01:07:06,459 He could re-polish the top, varnish out the lettering, new brass handles. 1012 01:07:06,621 --> 01:07:10,899 We could put it in the shop and share the profit. What do you think? 1013 01:07:12,061 --> 01:07:14,256 I think that sounds just the ticket, Miranda. 1014 01:07:14,421 --> 01:07:17,060 I'd have to have a word with my partner. 1015 01:07:18,301 --> 01:07:20,769 - 0h, me? - Yes, you. 1016 01:07:21,821 --> 01:07:25,575 Willyou excuse us while we confer? 1017 01:07:25,741 --> 01:07:30,019 Rodney, would you join me? I'd like to have a word in the office. 1018 01:07:30,181 --> 01:07:31,739 - To confer? - Yes. 1019 01:07:31,901 --> 01:07:34,495 Excuse us. 1020 01:07:34,661 --> 01:07:37,221 There you go, thank you. 1021 01:07:37,381 --> 01:07:40,020 Thank you. We'll be back in a couple of shakes. 1022 01:07:41,781 --> 01:07:46,696 Well. if you want my opinion, I don't think we should let that cabinet out of our sight. 1023 01:07:46,861 --> 01:07:50,092 That cabinet is definitely going to her shop to be tarted up 1024 01:07:50,261 --> 01:07:53,776 and sold for a ridiculously high profit. End of discussion. 1025 01:07:54,021 --> 01:07:55,420 Good. 1026 01:07:55,581 --> 01:07:58,220 There's nothing like talking things out (!) 1027 01:07:58,381 --> 01:08:01,817 If you wasn't interested in my opinion, why drag me in here? 1028 01:08:01,981 --> 01:08:05,098 'Cause I wanted your advice, Rodney. 1029 01:08:05,261 --> 01:08:07,729 I think she fancies me. 1030 01:08:07,901 --> 01:08:10,096 - Miranda? - Yeah. 1031 01:08:10,261 --> 01:08:12,900 Leave it out! She's an intelligent woman. 1032 01:08:15,181 --> 01:08:19,732 I know she's an intelligent woman. That is probably why she fancies me. 1033 01:08:19,901 --> 01:08:23,814 True, true. Yeah, well. I did notice the way she looked at you. 1034 01:08:23,981 --> 01:08:25,778 Yeah? How? 1035 01:08:25,941 --> 01:08:27,340 What? 1036 01:08:27,501 --> 01:08:29,890 How did she look at me? 1037 01:08:31,301 --> 01:08:33,292 Well. sort of... 1038 01:08:37,661 --> 01:08:39,617 ..like that. 1039 01:08:39,781 --> 01:08:42,454 Like she had a hot chip in her mouth! 1040 01:08:43,181 --> 01:08:48,494 - Del, I can't do a face like hers, can I? - No, no, I suppose not. 1041 01:08:48,661 --> 01:08:51,778 How am I going to tell her the feeling is mutual?. 1042 01:08:51,941 --> 01:08:55,138 - Just tell her. - How? 1043 01:08:55,301 --> 01:08:56,700 I don't know, do I? 1044 01:08:56,861 --> 01:09:01,412 - You're the one with the GCEs. - Just be yourself. 1045 01:09:01,581 --> 01:09:04,937 Leave it out, Rodney, I want to be in with at least half a chance. 1046 01:09:05,101 --> 01:09:08,138 Del, for once in your life, be you, right? 1047 01:09:08,301 --> 01:09:11,099 And you won't need them soppy French phrases. 1048 01:09:11,261 --> 01:09:14,298 Soppy French phrases?! La bonne vie, you stupid... 1049 01:09:14,461 --> 01:09:16,452 - See what I mean? - What? 1050 01:09:16,621 --> 01:09:20,330 You can't speak French. You're still struggling with English. 1051 01:09:20,501 --> 01:09:23,891 What is it with you? Do you like hospitalfood or something? 1052 01:09:24,061 --> 01:09:26,734 I'm just being honest with you. 1053 01:09:26,901 --> 01:09:30,894 Let's face it, most of your French phrases come out of a Citroen manual, don't they? 1054 01:09:31,061 --> 01:09:34,371 A lot of people are impressed by things like that. 1055 01:09:34,541 --> 01:09:37,533 Yeah, maybe the cavemen at the Nag's Head, 1056 01:09:37,701 --> 01:09:41,250 but it's not going to cut any ice with Arthur Negus' youngest. 1057 01:09:42,141 --> 01:09:44,211 Perhaps you're right. 1058 01:09:46,501 --> 01:09:51,973 If you're really that interested, why don't you just give her a sign of your mutual attraction? 1059 01:09:52,141 --> 01:09:56,293 - Yeah, a sign, eh? - Yeah, and be yourself. 1060 01:09:56,461 --> 01:09:58,929 Yeah, yeah, 0K, that's it! 1061 01:09:59,101 --> 01:10:01,820 He who dares, wins. Right! 1062 01:10:03,701 --> 01:10:05,692 Ahem! Well. that is it, Miranda. 1063 01:10:05,861 --> 01:10:11,379 I have discussed the matter with my partner and we've agreed to accede to your delusions. 1064 01:10:12,181 --> 01:10:13,580 What? 1065 01:10:13,741 --> 01:10:16,016 Take that thing with you and get it tarted up. 1066 01:10:16,181 --> 01:10:17,534 0h, good. 1067 01:10:17,701 --> 01:10:20,818 I'lltelephone in the morning and arrange for it to be collected. 1068 01:10:20,981 --> 01:10:22,460 Yes, thank you. 1069 01:10:22,621 --> 01:10:24,816 -Go on! - 0K. 1070 01:10:31,781 --> 01:10:33,453 Fancy a curry? 1071 01:10:36,741 --> 01:10:38,697 Why not? 1072 01:10:54,581 --> 01:10:57,653 My old guts aren't half playing me up this morning. 1073 01:10:57,821 --> 01:10:59,777 Yeah, I know. 1074 01:11:02,341 --> 01:11:05,174 Got a touch of the old Gandhi's revenge, brother. 1075 01:11:05,341 --> 01:11:08,094 - What, from the Ruby last night? - Yeah. 1076 01:11:08,261 --> 01:11:10,650 Did Miranda enjoy it? 1077 01:11:10,861 --> 01:11:15,810 She had a bit of aggro with the chicken tikka. Mind you, it was a bit rubbery. 1078 01:11:15,981 --> 01:11:18,575 She was chewing one bit for half an hour. 1079 01:11:18,741 --> 01:11:20,891 I thought she'd end up blowing bubbles with it. 1080 01:11:23,501 --> 01:11:27,210 - She's quite a sort, ain't she, Rodney? - Yeah, she's all right. 1081 01:11:27,381 --> 01:11:30,976 What d'you mean, all right? You wouldn't say no, would you? 1082 01:11:31,141 --> 01:11:32,540 Eh? 1083 01:11:33,621 --> 01:11:38,331 She's quite taken with me, you know. No, she is. She's very impressed. 1084 01:11:38,541 --> 01:11:40,930 She knows I know a lot about antiques. 1085 01:11:41,101 --> 01:11:44,537 0h, yeah, yeah. Well. you've been out with enough. 1086 01:11:45,061 --> 01:11:47,097 0i, that is enough of that! 1087 01:11:48,661 --> 01:11:51,459 I went up her shop this morning, up Chelsea. 1088 01:11:51,621 --> 01:11:55,933 Real pukka establishment, Rodney, I mean real pukka! 1089 01:11:56,101 --> 01:11:58,092 Sort of place royals go. 1090 01:11:59,541 --> 01:12:02,009 Something good's going to come out of this. 1091 01:12:02,181 --> 01:12:04,376 Do us a favour, Del - 1092 01:12:04,541 --> 01:12:08,216 don't get too carried away with this Miranda sort, eh? 1093 01:12:08,381 --> 01:12:11,293 Her type don't give a monkey's for the likes of you. 1094 01:12:11,981 --> 01:12:14,814 What do you mean by that? 1095 01:12:14,981 --> 01:12:17,939 I mean I've seen it all before. 1096 01:12:18,101 --> 01:12:22,617 You meet someone you take a fancy to and within a week it's allwine and roses 1097 01:12:22,781 --> 01:12:25,090 and ''I'm just popping down to Bravingtons, Rodney.'' 1098 01:12:25,861 --> 01:12:30,013 What d'you think I am? Some sort of whelk, wet behind the ears? 1099 01:12:30,181 --> 01:12:35,209 - I know exactly what I'm doing. - Aaaaah! 1100 01:12:35,381 --> 01:12:39,772 Nice one, Derek! Nice one, my son! 1101 01:12:40,981 --> 01:12:45,338 I must admit there is a certain chemistry between me and Miranda. 1102 01:12:47,261 --> 01:12:50,298 Just going to pop next door and get a Dalton's Weekly. 1103 01:13:38,981 --> 01:13:40,972 Fancy an Indian? 1104 01:13:49,781 --> 01:13:51,772 Fascist! 1105 01:13:52,861 --> 01:13:55,091 Right, are you fit, then, Rodders? 1106 01:13:55,261 --> 01:13:57,456 Yeah, yeah, fit. 1107 01:13:57,621 --> 01:14:00,215 You've a nasty rash coming up on your boat race. 1108 01:14:02,141 --> 01:14:05,690 0h, yeah. That's just where I caught the sun. You know... 1109 01:14:07,421 --> 01:14:11,209 If I didn't know better, I'd say someone smacked you right in the eye. 1110 01:14:11,381 --> 01:14:14,737 - Well. don't go on about it! - What d'you mean? 1111 01:14:14,901 --> 01:14:16,971 You're a touchy little git sometimes. 1112 01:14:19,141 --> 01:14:21,132 Yes, here we are! 1113 01:14:22,141 --> 01:14:24,496 Do come in. There we are. 1114 01:14:24,661 --> 01:14:26,891 I'll get the door. 1115 01:14:27,061 --> 01:14:30,576 - 0h! Allow me. - Thank you. 1116 01:14:30,741 --> 01:14:32,652 There you are, Miranda. 1117 01:14:32,821 --> 01:14:36,097 Sit yourself down on the shaise longe... 1118 01:14:37,101 --> 01:14:39,490 ..and I'llfix us a drink. 1119 01:14:39,661 --> 01:14:41,219 Now... 1120 01:14:45,501 --> 01:14:49,176 What can I get you? Port and lemon, rum and coke, or shall I surprise you? 1121 01:14:49,341 --> 01:14:52,856 - Why don't you surprise me? - Right you are! 1122 01:14:53,021 --> 01:14:55,899 Here we go. Ahh. 1123 01:14:56,061 --> 01:14:58,894 It was a blinding meal, weren't it, Miranda? 1124 01:14:59,061 --> 01:15:03,896 Yes, it was very nice. I did feel a bit overdressed for a Berni Inn, though. 1125 01:15:05,261 --> 01:15:07,252 No, I don't think so. 1126 01:15:07,421 --> 01:15:10,572 I think we made quite an impression. Everybody was looking at us. 1127 01:15:10,741 --> 01:15:12,060 Yes... 1128 01:15:17,941 --> 01:15:20,011 Take a sip of that, Miranda. 1129 01:15:20,181 --> 01:15:21,694 What is it? 1130 01:15:21,861 --> 01:15:24,580 That is called a Tequila Sunset. 1131 01:15:24,741 --> 01:15:26,777 Cheers! 1132 01:15:29,061 --> 01:15:31,052 It tastes of gin! 1133 01:15:31,221 --> 01:15:33,416 Yeah, I ran out of tequila. 1134 01:15:33,581 --> 01:15:36,857 - Well. it's very nice. - Yeah, isn't it? 1135 01:15:37,021 --> 01:15:40,696 I actually got the recipe off a Mexican barman. 1136 01:15:40,861 --> 01:15:43,011 Have you been to Mexico? 1137 01:15:43,181 --> 01:15:45,775 No, no. He lives in the flat upstairs. 1138 01:15:49,421 --> 01:15:51,571 - Miranda? - Hm? 1139 01:15:51,901 --> 01:15:55,496 I, er, well. I've been thinking about us... 1140 01:15:55,941 --> 01:15:58,136 ..and I've... 1141 01:15:58,301 --> 01:16:00,576 0h, yes, sorry about that. 1142 01:16:00,741 --> 01:16:04,097 That belongs to Rodney. He's into still life. 1143 01:16:04,261 --> 01:16:07,298 - He's got his GCE in art, you know? - Really. 1144 01:16:07,461 --> 01:16:10,214 Yeah. He'll probably be famous when he's dead. 1145 01:16:10,381 --> 01:16:15,501 As I was saying, I've been thinking about you and me... 1146 01:16:15,661 --> 01:16:18,653 - Do you like art? - Yeah, triffic. I can't get enough of it. 1147 01:16:18,821 --> 01:16:21,813 - The thing is, I was thinking... - This is very strong. 1148 01:16:21,981 --> 01:16:24,336 - Yeah. - Do you like Cezanne? 1149 01:16:24,501 --> 01:16:28,016 0oh, yeah. A bit of ice and lemonade, it's lovely! 1150 01:16:29,381 --> 01:16:31,417 You see, you and I have got... 1151 01:16:31,581 --> 01:16:33,731 We've got a lot in common, ain't we? 1152 01:16:33,901 --> 01:16:37,211 I mean, you know, we're both...well. English. 1153 01:16:38,381 --> 01:16:40,975 - I do love that painting. - Yeah, triffic, ain't it? 1154 01:16:41,141 --> 01:16:43,291 Your grandmother must have had very good taste. 1155 01:16:43,461 --> 01:16:46,931 She couldn't have had much - she married my grandfather. 1156 01:16:47,101 --> 01:16:50,173 - Do you like that painting, Derek? - No, I hate it! 1157 01:16:50,741 --> 01:16:54,290 - Can't wait to get rid of it. - Don't ever throw it away, please. 1158 01:16:54,581 --> 01:16:59,211 It'd look so nice in my flat. I'd hang it above my bed. 1159 01:16:59,381 --> 01:17:01,849 Just try to picture it... 1160 01:17:02,021 --> 01:17:04,330 0h, you can't. I've just remembered. 1161 01:17:04,501 --> 01:17:07,618 You haven't seen my bedroom...yet. 1162 01:17:12,461 --> 01:17:14,895 No, I haven't seen your bedroom... 1163 01:17:16,421 --> 01:17:17,900 ..yet. 1164 01:17:18,181 --> 01:17:20,695 You were saying? 1165 01:17:20,861 --> 01:17:23,819 - Uhh? - You were talking about us. 1166 01:17:23,981 --> 01:17:27,053 0h, yeah, what I was going to say was, 1167 01:17:27,221 --> 01:17:31,055 I thought that, you know, maybe later, well. sort of, not now, 1168 01:17:31,221 --> 01:17:36,693 if you like, in the future, at some time, when you sort of felt like it, we could, sort of... 1169 01:17:38,461 --> 01:17:40,770 ..work closer together. 1170 01:17:40,941 --> 01:17:43,011 I've been thinking exactly the same thing. 1171 01:17:44,581 --> 01:17:48,096 - Have you? - Ever since I first met you. 1172 01:17:50,141 --> 01:17:52,177 0h, Miranda... 1173 01:17:53,221 --> 01:17:56,531 Drink up, I'll get you another Tequila Sunset. 1174 01:17:56,701 --> 01:18:00,580 - No, really. I've had quite enough. - Yeah, all right. 1175 01:18:07,421 --> 01:18:10,618 Shall I put my Richard Clayderman LP on? 1176 01:18:12,021 --> 01:18:14,581 I must go. I must be up early in the morning. 1177 01:18:14,741 --> 01:18:19,019 Mummy and Daddy will probably ring first thing to wish me happy returns. 1178 01:18:19,181 --> 01:18:23,174 - You know what parents are like. - No, I haven't had any for ages. 1179 01:18:23,941 --> 01:18:25,932 Sorry, did you say it was your birthday? 1180 01:18:26,101 --> 01:18:28,092 Yes, surely I told you? 1181 01:18:28,421 --> 01:18:32,619 - 0h, yes, um... - You haven't bought me a present? 1182 01:18:32,781 --> 01:18:36,012 - Moi...? - You really shouldn't have. 1183 01:18:36,181 --> 01:18:38,331 It's very sweet of you, though. 1184 01:18:38,501 --> 01:18:40,492 Thank you. 1185 01:18:46,341 --> 01:18:49,060 I really will miss you... 1186 01:18:58,741 --> 01:19:01,016 Sorry, Gran. 1187 01:19:05,701 --> 01:19:08,659 # Dee da dee dee...# Good morning, Rodders! 1188 01:19:08,821 --> 01:19:10,493 Good morning, Grandfather! 1189 01:19:10,661 --> 01:19:13,892 It's a beautiful day out, ain't it? Makes you glad to be alive. 1190 01:19:14,061 --> 01:19:15,619 (R0DNEY) Yes, triffic (!) 1191 01:19:15,821 --> 01:19:19,336 - Where you off to, Del?. - Going up Miranda's shop. 1192 01:19:19,501 --> 01:19:22,140 - 0oooh! - Just to see the cabinet! 1193 01:19:22,421 --> 01:19:24,412 What time's visiting hours, Del?. 1194 01:19:24,581 --> 01:19:28,335 There's nothing wrong with that cabinet, I keep telling you! 1195 01:19:28,501 --> 01:19:30,696 - A very nice cabinet. - Yes, it is. 1196 01:19:30,861 --> 01:19:33,329 A million woodworms can't be wrong, can they? 1197 01:19:34,181 --> 01:19:38,459 I've told you before, Rodney, there are no woodworms in that cabinet. 1198 01:19:38,941 --> 01:19:40,932 Whose birthday is it, Del?. 1199 01:19:41,101 --> 01:19:43,171 Mine, if I play my cards right. 1200 01:19:43,341 --> 01:19:48,415 ''Happy birthday, sweetheart, from your ever-loving Delly-Welly.'' 1201 01:19:52,701 --> 01:19:55,169 Delly-WALLY, more like! 1202 01:19:55,341 --> 01:19:59,892 All right, all right. Put that down and let's not have so much of it! 1203 01:20:00,061 --> 01:20:03,133 0oh, it's Miranda's birthday, Rodney, and we forgot (!) 1204 01:20:03,461 --> 01:20:07,454 0h, no! What a choker (!) Still. never mind (!) 1205 01:20:08,301 --> 01:20:11,896 - What'd you get for her birthday? - Eh? Nothing much. 1206 01:20:12,821 --> 01:20:14,857 What's happened to your gran's painting?! 1207 01:20:15,981 --> 01:20:20,099 Ah, well! I told you the sun would fade it, didn't I? 1208 01:20:20,261 --> 01:20:22,411 Sun my arse! 1209 01:20:24,141 --> 01:20:26,257 You've given it to that tart, ain't you? 1210 01:20:26,421 --> 01:20:29,572 She's just going to hang it on her bedroom wall. 1211 01:20:29,741 --> 01:20:32,255 Your gran brought that painting into this house! 1212 01:20:32,421 --> 01:20:34,935 There was an history behind it and you knew it! 1213 01:20:35,101 --> 01:20:37,410 You stole your own grandmother's painting? 1214 01:20:37,581 --> 01:20:40,891 I didn't stealthe painting! Gran left that painting to me. 1215 01:20:41,061 --> 01:20:42,972 Don't give me that 0ld Mother Hubbard. 1216 01:20:43,141 --> 01:20:46,451 She did! 0ne night, when she wasn't feeling too well. she said, 1217 01:20:46,621 --> 01:20:48,657 ''Del, when I go, that painting is yours.'' 1218 01:20:48,821 --> 01:20:50,857 - I don't remember it. - You were out. 1219 01:20:51,181 --> 01:20:53,297 That's handy, no witnesses! 1220 01:20:53,461 --> 01:20:58,251 - There were witnesses, Mum and Rodney. - Mum ain't here any more. 1221 01:20:58,421 --> 01:21:00,935 But Rodney is. You remember, don't you? 1222 01:21:01,101 --> 01:21:03,661 - I can't say I do. - You must remember! 1223 01:21:03,821 --> 01:21:07,973 There, over in the corner with Mum, having your nappy changed! 1224 01:21:09,021 --> 01:21:11,774 Having his nappy changed? He could only have been about four. 1225 01:21:11,941 --> 01:21:14,853 Exactly, how the hell do you expect...? Four?! 1226 01:21:16,661 --> 01:21:21,530 I never thought I'd see the day when you, of all people, let the family down. 1227 01:21:21,701 --> 01:21:25,740 - I'm going to my room. - Here, Grandad, come here...! 1228 01:21:25,901 --> 01:21:30,452 Come on, there you are, look, have a tenner, eh? Come on...! 1229 01:21:38,661 --> 01:21:41,733 She's got you tied up like a turkey, ain't she? 1230 01:21:41,901 --> 01:21:43,937 You've changed since you met her, Del. 1231 01:21:44,421 --> 01:21:46,571 You've got more hooter than Pinocchio! 1232 01:21:46,741 --> 01:21:49,016 Just stay out of my life, willyou? 1233 01:21:49,181 --> 01:21:51,172 Yeah! I'll stay out of your life. 1234 01:21:51,341 --> 01:21:55,892 In fact, I can safely say that me and Grandad won't ever get under your feet again. 1235 01:21:56,941 --> 01:21:59,853 I just hope that Miranda suffers with hay fever. 1236 01:22:01,421 --> 01:22:03,651 - Rodney? - What? 1237 01:22:03,821 --> 01:22:06,210 Don't be a plonker. 1238 01:22:11,301 --> 01:22:13,531 Did he leave that tenner? 1239 01:22:49,901 --> 01:22:51,892 Hello, Harry. Is Miranda about? 1240 01:22:52,061 --> 01:22:54,814 She's popped out, Del, just down the road. 1241 01:22:54,981 --> 01:22:57,017 0h, well. I'll pop down and see her. 1242 01:22:57,181 --> 01:23:00,059 - How comes you ain't open? - We're being fumigated. 1243 01:23:00,221 --> 01:23:02,098 The place is full of woodworm. 1244 01:23:02,181 --> 01:23:05,651 You want to watch that, H, especially with your wooden leg. 1245 01:23:15,821 --> 01:23:19,530 2,200. 2,500. 1246 01:23:21,141 --> 01:23:22,540 2,700. 1247 01:23:22,821 --> 01:23:24,379 3,000. 1248 01:23:24,821 --> 01:23:27,016 The bid is with Gideon Galleries. 1249 01:23:27,181 --> 01:23:28,614 3,200. 1250 01:23:29,301 --> 01:23:30,780 3,400. 1251 01:23:32,621 --> 01:23:34,532 3,500. 1252 01:23:37,301 --> 01:23:39,178 The bid is with Gideon's. 1253 01:23:40,861 --> 01:23:43,295 3,600, the gentleman at the back. 1254 01:23:46,701 --> 01:23:48,851 3,800, with Miss Davenport. 1255 01:23:52,581 --> 01:23:54,970 $3,800, to Miss Davenport. 1256 01:24:03,101 --> 01:24:04,614 Da daa! 1257 01:24:04,781 --> 01:24:06,851 - Derek! - Yeah! 1258 01:24:07,021 --> 01:24:09,012 What are you doing here? 1259 01:24:09,181 --> 01:24:12,491 I just thought I'd take you for lunch. A birthday treat! 1260 01:24:12,661 --> 01:24:14,333 - Birthday? - Yeah. 1261 01:24:14,501 --> 01:24:18,380 - 0h, yes, how sweet! - Here, these are for you. 1262 01:24:18,541 --> 01:24:21,135 - They're daffodils. - So they are (!) 1263 01:24:22,061 --> 01:24:24,700 Yeah, used to be my mum's favourite. 1264 01:24:24,861 --> 01:24:27,011 0h, really? 1265 01:24:27,181 --> 01:24:31,015 Well. thank you. Look, I'm rather busy at the moment. 1266 01:24:31,181 --> 01:24:34,298 Why don't you wait for me at that little wine bar? 1267 01:24:34,461 --> 01:24:35,814 Yeah, all right. 1268 01:24:35,981 --> 01:24:38,575 - Willyou be long? - How should I know? 1269 01:24:38,741 --> 01:24:40,936 Take these with you as well. please. 1270 01:24:41,861 --> 01:24:44,136 Yeah. Yeah, all right. 1271 01:24:44,301 --> 01:24:48,374 Now, lot 24 is this recently discovered work 1272 01:24:48,541 --> 01:24:51,135 by the late 19th-century artist, Joshua Blyth. 1273 01:24:51,301 --> 01:24:53,690 It's a particularly fine example. 1274 01:24:53,861 --> 01:24:56,853 Shallwe start the bidding at 7,000? 1275 01:24:57,021 --> 01:25:00,900 Do I have 7,000? 7,000. 1276 01:25:01,821 --> 01:25:04,096 8? 8,000? 1277 01:25:04,421 --> 01:25:06,616 You lied to me, didn't you? 1278 01:25:06,781 --> 01:25:08,737 Nobody's perfect. 1279 01:25:08,901 --> 01:25:11,017 It's not your birthday at all. is it? 1280 01:25:11,181 --> 01:25:14,059 It will be soon. 1281 01:25:14,221 --> 01:25:17,213 Allyou wanted me for was that painting, wasn't it? 1282 01:25:17,621 --> 01:25:21,978 What else do you think I was interested in? That banana box of a Queen Anne cabinet? 1283 01:25:22,141 --> 01:25:24,371 Damn thing's infested my entire stock! 1284 01:25:25,421 --> 01:25:29,653 You know, I thought maybe there was something else. 1285 01:25:31,661 --> 01:25:33,652 0h, you? 1286 01:25:34,301 --> 01:25:39,136 Did you honestly think I enjoyed being in the company of a man who slapped my bottom, 1287 01:25:39,301 --> 01:25:43,897 called me sweetheart and assaulted my digestive system with third-rate curries? 1288 01:25:45,421 --> 01:25:46,820 Yeah. 1289 01:25:47,901 --> 01:25:49,971 You must be a fool! 1290 01:25:51,661 --> 01:25:55,290 Miranda, you should have told me you wanted to sellthat painting. 1291 01:25:55,461 --> 01:26:00,615 I realised how valuable it was when I first saw it. Why should I tellyou? 1292 01:26:00,781 --> 01:26:03,978 - No, Miranda, you don't understand. - You're the one who's confused. 1293 01:26:04,141 --> 01:26:08,578 Let's get one thing absolutely clear, that painting is now mine! 1294 01:26:08,741 --> 01:26:11,175 It's been legally registered in my name. 1295 01:26:11,341 --> 01:26:13,730 Mummy and Daddy have even signed an affidavit 1296 01:26:13,901 --> 01:26:17,894 to swear that the painting has been in our family for generations. 1297 01:26:18,061 --> 01:26:19,938 (AUCTI0NEER) 17,500. 1298 01:26:20,861 --> 01:26:22,852 Thank Gawd for that! 1299 01:26:23,021 --> 01:26:25,137 I've been trying to get shot of it for years. 1300 01:26:25,341 --> 01:26:26,740 What do you mean? 1301 01:26:26,941 --> 01:26:31,617 I know exactly what that painting is, and I know exactly what it's worth. 1302 01:26:31,781 --> 01:26:34,579 Rubbish! How could someone like you know that? 1303 01:26:34,741 --> 01:26:39,337 I'lltellyou - because my old gran used to be charlady to an art dealer. 1304 01:26:39,501 --> 01:26:44,450 - That's how I know! - 0h, this Mrs Mop examined it, did she (?) 1305 01:26:44,621 --> 01:26:47,419 No, she didn't examine it, she nicked it! 1306 01:26:49,581 --> 01:26:52,220 (AUCTI0NEER) $17,600. 1307 01:26:53,061 --> 01:26:55,370 Good luck, sweetheart! 1308 01:27:05,261 --> 01:27:08,970 # We've got some half-price cracked ice And miles and miles of carpet tiles, 1309 01:27:09,141 --> 01:27:12,019 # TVs, deep freeze and David Bowie LPs, 1310 01:27:12,181 --> 01:27:14,854 # Ball games, gold chains, what's-their-names and at a push 1311 01:27:15,021 --> 01:27:18,013 # Some Trevor Francis tracksuits From a mush in Shepherd's Bush, 1312 01:27:18,181 --> 01:27:21,332 # Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush, 1313 01:27:21,501 --> 01:27:26,939 # No income tax, no VAT, No money back, no guarantee, 1314 01:27:27,101 --> 01:27:30,173 # Black or white, rich or broke, 1315 01:27:30,341 --> 01:27:34,892 # We'll cut prices at a stroke, 1316 01:27:35,061 --> 01:27:37,450 # God bless Hooky Street, 1317 01:27:37,621 --> 01:27:40,533 # Viva Hooky Street! 1318 01:27:40,701 --> 01:27:43,499 # Long live Hooky Street! 1319 01:27:43,661 --> 01:27:47,097 # C'est magnifique, Hooky Street! 1320 01:27:47,261 --> 01:27:50,219 # Magnifique, Hooky Street! 1321 01:27:50,381 --> 01:27:53,418 # Hooky Street! # 1322 01:28:24,163 --> 01:28:27,712 # Stick a pony in me pocket 1323 01:28:27,883 --> 01:28:31,353 # I'llfetch the suitcase from the van 1324 01:28:31,523 --> 01:28:35,277 # 'Cause if you want the best 'uns But you don't ask questions 1325 01:28:35,443 --> 01:28:39,197 # Then, brother, I'm your man 1326 01:28:39,363 --> 01:28:42,435 # 'Cause where it all comes from is a mystery 1327 01:28:42,603 --> 01:28:46,562 # It's like the changing of the seasons And the tides of the sea 1328 01:28:46,723 --> 01:28:50,432 # But here's the one that's driving me berserk: 1329 01:28:50,603 --> 01:28:54,881 # Why do only fools and horses work? # 1330 01:29:05,843 --> 01:29:08,277 0i! What's your game?! 1331 01:29:11,003 --> 01:29:12,436 Stone me! 1332 01:29:13,483 --> 01:29:14,802 Here we are. 1333 01:29:18,683 --> 01:29:20,958 Guess where we're going at the weekend. 1334 01:29:21,123 --> 01:29:23,398 - Give us a clue. - All right, Rodney. 1335 01:29:23,563 --> 01:29:25,474 If you insist, there you are. 1336 01:29:25,643 --> 01:29:28,999 You dirty pig! Get it away! 1337 01:29:29,163 --> 01:29:32,360 - How's that rice going down? - Get it out! 1338 01:29:32,523 --> 01:29:34,400 Where are we going, Del?. 1339 01:29:34,843 --> 01:29:36,322 Skiing (!) 1340 01:29:36,483 --> 01:29:39,475 Where d'you think we're going, you silly...? We're going fishing. 1341 01:29:39,643 --> 01:29:41,474 I know that. I mean where. 1342 01:29:41,643 --> 01:29:43,918 0h, I see what you mean. We're going to Tregawar. 1343 01:29:44,083 --> 01:29:45,516 - Where? - Cornwall. 1344 01:29:45,683 --> 01:29:48,720 Cornwall?. ! Why we going allthe way down there? 1345 01:29:48,883 --> 01:29:52,273 It's Boycie's weekend cottage. I had dinner with him at Mario's. 1346 01:29:52,443 --> 01:29:56,152 He happened to mention his cottage was free so... Bob's your uncle! 1347 01:29:56,323 --> 01:29:58,883 - How much rent's he charging? - Nothing. 1348 01:29:59,043 --> 01:30:02,001 - He's letting us have it for free? - Yep. Allfor gratis. 1349 01:30:02,163 --> 01:30:04,438 Come on, Del, there's got to be something behind this. 1350 01:30:04,603 --> 01:30:08,437 'Cause Boycie would scalp you if dandruff had a going rate! 1351 01:30:09,323 --> 01:30:13,236 You're becoming so cynical, Rodney. He's just doing a mate a favour. 1352 01:30:14,803 --> 01:30:17,271 - You met him in Mario's? - Yeah, that's right. 1353 01:30:17,443 --> 01:30:21,721 Grandad, clear up allthis fishing gear, 'cause I wanna pop out. 1354 01:30:21,883 --> 01:30:25,034 - Mario's is a fish restaurant. - Is it? See you later. 1355 01:30:25,203 --> 01:30:28,513 Bit of a coincidence, Del, you meeting him in a fish restaurant, 1356 01:30:28,683 --> 01:30:31,117 and next thing we're all going fishing. 1357 01:30:32,563 --> 01:30:35,760 He's like Elliot bleeding Ness at times, ain't he? 1358 01:30:36,323 --> 01:30:39,713 All right, Rodney. I was gonna tellyou when we got there as a surprise. 1359 01:30:39,883 --> 01:30:42,477 - 0h, yeah? - Yeah, a surprise. 1360 01:30:42,643 --> 01:30:47,159 Well. this cottage is near one of the finest salmon streams in England. 1361 01:30:47,323 --> 01:30:52,078 Mario has agreed to pay us $10 for every fish that we bring back. 1362 01:30:52,243 --> 01:30:54,632 Boycie and I willtake a fiver each. 1363 01:30:54,803 --> 01:30:57,920 So let's say that we do...sixty fish. 1364 01:30:58,083 --> 01:31:00,438 That'll be 300 sovs in our pocket. 1365 01:31:00,603 --> 01:31:05,472 We'll split three ways, so you and Grandad get $50 each. 1366 01:31:06,643 --> 01:31:09,635 A weekend's fishing and free digs. What d'you reckon? 1367 01:31:09,803 --> 01:31:11,521 I reckon it's illegal. 1368 01:31:11,963 --> 01:31:14,318 You hurt me sometimes, Rodney. 1369 01:31:14,483 --> 01:31:18,795 You don't let me finish before you jump to your nasty delusions! 1370 01:31:18,963 --> 01:31:22,717 If you were a judge, Rodney, you'd hang 'em before they finished the oath! 1371 01:31:22,883 --> 01:31:25,192 All right, I'm sorry. I just thought... 1372 01:31:25,363 --> 01:31:27,718 I know exactly what you thought. 1373 01:31:29,603 --> 01:31:31,833 So we've got permission, have we? 1374 01:31:32,003 --> 01:31:33,561 We will have. 1375 01:31:33,723 --> 01:31:36,920 We see the gamekeeper down there and pay him 25 quid. 1376 01:31:37,083 --> 01:31:39,278 And he gives us a fishing permit? 1377 01:31:39,443 --> 01:31:41,718 He shows us a hole in the fence. 1378 01:31:41,883 --> 01:31:44,078 - I knew it! - It's called business. 1379 01:31:44,243 --> 01:31:45,722 It's called stealing! 1380 01:31:45,883 --> 01:31:48,033 - No, it ain't, Rodney. - Listen to Grandad. 1381 01:31:48,203 --> 01:31:49,875 It's called poaching. 1382 01:31:52,643 --> 01:31:56,477 What do we know about that, eh? He can't even poach an egg! 1383 01:31:58,643 --> 01:32:00,395 Rodney, it'll be a doddle! 1384 01:32:00,563 --> 01:32:04,317 This stream's jam-packed with salmon. We just whip 'em out! 1385 01:32:04,483 --> 01:32:07,919 Del, it is illegal, it is immoral, it is unethical. 1386 01:32:08,083 --> 01:32:09,675 All right. 1387 01:32:09,843 --> 01:32:13,518 Me and Grandad'll go on our own and split the profits between us. 1388 01:32:16,203 --> 01:32:18,398 I didn't say I wouldn't come, did I? 1389 01:32:21,563 --> 01:32:25,272 (R0DNEY) # Gone poaching! Ba-ba-ba-boom! 1390 01:32:25,443 --> 01:32:28,879 # Left a sign up on the door! 1391 01:32:29,043 --> 01:32:32,513 # Gone poaching! Boo-boo-boom! # 1392 01:32:32,683 --> 01:32:37,598 (DEL) You keep on, Rodney, and you'll get a smack right in the ear-hole! 1393 01:32:39,963 --> 01:32:42,397 (THUNDER CRASHES) 1394 01:32:45,523 --> 01:32:48,435 (R0DNEY) 0i, oi, what's allthis about? 1395 01:32:48,603 --> 01:32:50,241 (DEL) My God, it's the 0ld Bill! 1396 01:32:50,403 --> 01:32:54,237 (GRANDAD) Someone let it drop about the salmon! 1397 01:32:54,403 --> 01:32:56,553 (DEL) Sh! Let me do the talking. 1398 01:33:03,803 --> 01:33:05,122 Good evening, officer. 1399 01:33:05,283 --> 01:33:09,242 If it's about the tax disc, I assure you the new one is in the post. 1400 01:33:09,403 --> 01:33:12,395 It's nothing to do with your licence, sir. 1401 01:33:12,563 --> 01:33:14,394 Down for a bit of fishing, are we? 1402 01:33:14,563 --> 01:33:17,077 No, no, no. Nothing like that, no. 1403 01:33:17,243 --> 01:33:21,077 Why have you got three fishing rods tied to your roofrack? 1404 01:33:23,683 --> 01:33:25,002 Well. er... 1405 01:33:25,163 --> 01:33:29,156 0h, no, no. You remember we said we might do a little fishing. 1406 01:33:29,323 --> 01:33:32,952 0h, yeah, that's right. Just a little bit, like tiddlers. 1407 01:33:33,123 --> 01:33:35,114 No salmon, though. 1408 01:33:37,883 --> 01:33:41,956 I see... You haven't given anyone a lift in the last half hour? 1409 01:33:44,203 --> 01:33:45,522 Er... 1410 01:33:45,683 --> 01:33:47,833 No. What is this all about? 1411 01:33:48,003 --> 01:33:51,632 We've just heard a patient's escaped from the local hospital. 1412 01:33:51,803 --> 01:33:56,638 Escaped? What you got out here, National Health Stalags?! 1413 01:33:56,803 --> 01:33:58,998 It's no ordinary hospital, sir. 1414 01:33:59,163 --> 01:34:01,199 It's an institute for the criminally insane. 1415 01:34:02,643 --> 01:34:07,398 This storm has brought power cables down. Blacked out the entire area. 1416 01:34:07,563 --> 01:34:11,397 It even put the institute's security system out of action. 1417 01:34:11,563 --> 01:34:15,602 So this patient took his chance and made off across the moors. 1418 01:34:16,923 --> 01:34:19,517 He's out there somewhere now. 1419 01:34:19,683 --> 01:34:22,641 For all I know, he could be watching us. 1420 01:34:24,603 --> 01:34:26,639 What was he in there for? 1421 01:34:26,803 --> 01:34:30,842 Ten years ago this very night, he killed a party of weekend fishermen. 1422 01:34:33,763 --> 01:34:36,152 They called him ''The Axe Murderer''. 1423 01:34:38,203 --> 01:34:41,320 No, I didn't know. I must have been out that night. 1424 01:34:42,003 --> 01:34:45,757 You good people be very careful. Don't pick up any hitchhikers 1425 01:34:45,923 --> 01:34:48,915 Don't stop for anyone, no matter what the circumstances. 1426 01:34:49,083 --> 01:34:53,713 And if you see or hear anything suspicious, phone the police immediately. 1427 01:34:54,243 --> 01:34:56,279 Your lives may depend on it. 1428 01:34:57,563 --> 01:35:00,555 Right, gentlemen. Have a nice weekend, won't you? 1429 01:35:08,563 --> 01:35:10,633 Yeah, come on, full ahead, Rodney! 1430 01:35:10,803 --> 01:35:13,920 - We ain't going on, are we? - Yeah, 'course we are. 1431 01:35:14,083 --> 01:35:17,917 Del, there is a crazed axe murderer out there somewhere! 1432 01:35:18,083 --> 01:35:23,601 I know that, Rodders, but you seem to forget that we're on a 300 quid earner! 1433 01:35:24,443 --> 01:35:29,358 Don't worry, we'll be locked up safe and sound in Boycie's cottage. 1434 01:35:29,523 --> 01:35:31,639 Anyway, there's three of... 1435 01:35:33,163 --> 01:35:34,960 Well. there's me and y... 1436 01:35:38,363 --> 01:35:40,752 Don't worry, I'll look after yer. 1437 01:35:42,123 --> 01:35:44,398 (0MIN0US THUNDER) 1438 01:36:13,883 --> 01:36:16,556 Come on, get this stuff out. Come on. 1439 01:36:16,723 --> 01:36:18,236 All right, Grandad? 1440 01:36:22,763 --> 01:36:24,799 (HEAVY BREATHING) 1441 01:36:35,403 --> 01:36:39,715 (GRANDAD) I wish you'd shut up, you're making me nervous! 1442 01:36:39,883 --> 01:36:44,035 (R0DNEY) I didn't say I saw some0NE, just that I saw someTHING. 1443 01:36:44,203 --> 01:36:47,161 (DEL) Don't worry. Get them lanterns going, Rodney. 1444 01:36:47,323 --> 01:36:49,632 - What's wrong with the lights? - There's no electric. 1445 01:36:49,803 --> 01:36:52,271 (R0DNEY) Someone's been tampering with it! 1446 01:36:52,443 --> 01:36:55,241 (DEL) The storm has blown the power cables over, remember? 1447 01:36:55,403 --> 01:36:57,280 The whole area's blacked out. 1448 01:36:57,443 --> 01:37:01,436 - 0h, yeah. - I'll see if I can find some candles. 1449 01:37:09,363 --> 01:37:11,957 (DEL) What are you doing? (R0DNEY) Phoning the law. 1450 01:37:12,123 --> 01:37:15,911 You're doing what?! What are you trying to do to me? 1451 01:37:16,283 --> 01:37:18,558 We're down here doing a bit of ''fishing''. 1452 01:37:18,723 --> 01:37:22,193 The last thing we need is the local polizia sniffing around our keepnets! 1453 01:37:22,363 --> 01:37:27,562 That copper said if we see anything suspicious, phone them immediately. 1454 01:37:27,723 --> 01:37:31,511 - 0ur lives could depend on it! - Who have you seen, Hawkeye? 1455 01:37:31,683 --> 01:37:33,321 I saw... 1456 01:37:35,723 --> 01:37:38,191 - ..a movement in the trees. - A movement?! 1457 01:37:38,363 --> 01:37:40,797 0f course you've seen a movement in the trees. 1458 01:37:40,963 --> 01:37:43,636 There's a ruddy typhoid blowing out there! 1459 01:37:46,083 --> 01:37:47,402 You're right, I'm sorry. 1460 01:37:47,563 --> 01:37:50,680 - Come on, pullyourself together. - I'll be all right. 1461 01:37:53,683 --> 01:37:55,799 It's a...typhoon. 1462 01:37:55,963 --> 01:38:00,195 Good idea, Rodney. Put the kettle on and we'll have a nice cuppa. 1463 01:38:08,083 --> 01:38:10,551 Del, there's only an electric kettle out there. 1464 01:38:10,723 --> 01:38:13,112 Well. use a saucepan, then! 1465 01:38:15,723 --> 01:38:17,361 Nah, there ain't none. 1466 01:38:17,763 --> 01:38:20,994 Gordon Bennett! 0ut of my way, I'll do it. 1467 01:38:21,163 --> 01:38:25,042 Here, have a look in that sideboard. See if Boycie's left any scotch. 1468 01:38:25,203 --> 01:38:27,512 If he hasn't, we'll have to drink mine. 1469 01:38:32,763 --> 01:38:38,121 Here you are, Rodney. See what I mean? There ain't no ghosties out here. 1470 01:38:43,003 --> 01:38:44,959 (GRANDAD) Del Boy, come in here quick! 1471 01:38:45,123 --> 01:38:46,761 Rodney's found something. 1472 01:38:48,083 --> 01:38:49,402 Has he? What? 1473 01:38:53,523 --> 01:38:56,481 Monopoly! Now we are all doomed. 1474 01:38:56,963 --> 01:38:58,282 Not the Monopoly. 1475 01:39:02,883 --> 01:39:05,192 Well... It's only a chopper. 1476 01:39:06,403 --> 01:39:08,837 - It's an axe. - The same thing. 1477 01:39:09,003 --> 01:39:13,599 No, Del. The police ain't looking for an escaped chopper murderer. 1478 01:39:15,403 --> 01:39:16,722 Look...just a minute. 1479 01:39:17,283 --> 01:39:19,672 Let me ask you something. Where are we? 1480 01:39:20,043 --> 01:39:21,522 We're in shtuck. 1481 01:39:22,723 --> 01:39:24,634 No, we're in the country. 1482 01:39:24,803 --> 01:39:29,035 Country people have these hanging about. It's part and parcel of their lives. 1483 01:39:29,203 --> 01:39:33,082 Let me ask you something. Where's that escaped bloke right now? 1484 01:39:34,003 --> 01:39:36,198 - Probably on them moors. - In this weather? 1485 01:39:36,363 --> 01:39:37,842 He's mad, ain't he? 1486 01:39:38,003 --> 01:39:41,962 He might be mad, but he'd have to be bloody stupid to be out in this! 1487 01:39:42,123 --> 01:39:45,081 Exactly! I reckon he'd hole up somewhere. 1488 01:39:45,243 --> 01:39:48,952 Find himself an empty place...like this. 1489 01:39:49,123 --> 01:39:51,159 This place ain't empty, is it? 1490 01:39:51,323 --> 01:39:53,712 It was before we arrived, Del. 1491 01:39:56,483 --> 01:39:58,633 You reckon he's up there having a kip? 1492 01:39:58,803 --> 01:40:00,156 He could be. 1493 01:40:00,323 --> 01:40:06,000 Don't worry, Grandad, because the three bears have probably eaten him by now! 1494 01:40:06,163 --> 01:40:11,635 What is this fairy story you're giving me? What's the matter? Been sniffing the Bostik? 1495 01:40:11,803 --> 01:40:17,753 All right, then. Why don't you go up the wooden hillto Bed-fordshire and check it out? 1496 01:40:19,843 --> 01:40:21,834 I don't have to. 1497 01:40:22,443 --> 01:40:29,554 Would any self-respecting axe murderer pop up for forty winks and leave his chopper here? 1498 01:40:32,843 --> 01:40:34,720 He might have a spare one. 1499 01:40:35,243 --> 01:40:40,317 He's got a kit of 'em now, has he, and a caddy to carry them for him (?) 1500 01:40:40,483 --> 01:40:44,954 And another thing, if the man of the moment is upstairs having a lie-in, 1501 01:40:45,123 --> 01:40:48,433 who'd you see out there in the trees? His brother? 1502 01:40:50,363 --> 01:40:52,115 0h, yeah, that's right. 1503 01:40:52,283 --> 01:40:56,720 - He can't be in two places at once. - No, 'course not. 1504 01:40:56,883 --> 01:40:58,953 He's probably halfway to London by now. 1505 01:40:59,123 --> 01:41:02,081 'Course he is, looking for an empty place up there. 1506 01:41:02,243 --> 01:41:05,360 - Hope he don't find our flat. - Willyou shut up?! 1507 01:41:06,723 --> 01:41:09,601 Willyou just stop allthis nonsense? 1508 01:41:11,163 --> 01:41:15,315 Look, are we all agreed that we are safe and sound? 1509 01:41:15,483 --> 01:41:21,115 - Er...well. yeah. - Right. Can we just relax a bit now? 1510 01:41:21,803 --> 01:41:23,600 All right. Here you are. 1511 01:41:24,483 --> 01:41:25,802 Now... 1512 01:41:27,683 --> 01:41:29,913 I wonder where the toilet is. 1513 01:41:30,083 --> 01:41:33,632 It's er...outside. I saw it as we came in. 1514 01:41:36,243 --> 01:41:38,438 (L0UD THUNDERCLAP) 1515 01:41:40,803 --> 01:41:43,078 I think I'll leave it tillthe morning. 1516 01:41:49,003 --> 01:41:51,676 Ah, Park Lane! That's one of mine, Rodney. 1517 01:41:51,843 --> 01:41:55,279 'Course it is. You own everything on the board. 1518 01:41:55,443 --> 01:42:00,278 No, I don't. You've got Coventry Street, Grandad's got the Waterworks and allthat. 1519 01:42:01,563 --> 01:42:04,202 Park Lane with one hotel, $2,000, please. 1520 01:42:04,363 --> 01:42:06,923 - Two...? Hold on. - Eh, what? 1521 01:42:07,763 --> 01:42:10,277 According to this, it's only fifteen hundred. 1522 01:42:10,443 --> 01:42:13,162 I know, but I put you in the penthouse suite! 1523 01:42:14,243 --> 01:42:16,803 But I don't want the penthouse suite, do I? 1524 01:42:16,963 --> 01:42:19,033 1,500, that's allyou're getting. 1525 01:42:19,203 --> 01:42:21,478 - Like a big kid. - I give up with him. 1526 01:42:21,643 --> 01:42:23,554 It's your go, Grandfather! 1527 01:42:27,043 --> 01:42:28,556 Ah, Piccadilly! 1528 01:42:28,723 --> 01:42:32,033 Right, that's mine with a hotel, so that's $1,200. 1529 01:42:32,203 --> 01:42:35,434 $1,200 for a hotel next to a smelly old waterworks? 1530 01:42:36,923 --> 01:42:39,073 - What? - Allthem sewers? 1531 01:42:39,243 --> 01:42:43,122 I'd rather sleep in the car or look for a Bed & Breakfast. 1532 01:42:43,283 --> 01:42:45,239 No, you don't understand. 1533 01:42:45,403 --> 01:42:47,553 Bless him. Look, look. 1534 01:42:48,043 --> 01:42:49,396 It's in the rules. 1535 01:42:49,923 --> 01:42:52,642 $1,200 is scandalous. 1536 01:42:53,163 --> 01:42:55,199 I ain't a tourist, you know? 1537 01:42:56,403 --> 01:42:58,519 Del, can you have a word with him? 1538 01:43:00,203 --> 01:43:01,955 I think he's got a point. 1539 01:43:02,123 --> 01:43:06,833 I don't know what possessed you to build a hotel next to a sewage farm! 1540 01:43:07,003 --> 01:43:11,315 Let's face it, your gaff's never gonna get in the Michelin Guide. 1541 01:43:12,523 --> 01:43:14,195 But the point of t... 1542 01:43:17,643 --> 01:43:19,599 Stupid bloody game! 1543 01:43:21,083 --> 01:43:24,393 - Well. that's charming, that is! - Just 'cause you're losing! 1544 01:43:24,563 --> 01:43:26,952 - Shut up! - You wanna grow up a bit, my son! 1545 01:43:27,123 --> 01:43:30,479 I didn't wanna play this stupid bloody game in the first place. 1546 01:43:30,643 --> 01:43:33,203 Grandad, I think there's a hotel under your chair. 1547 01:43:34,603 --> 01:43:37,640 (DEL) If there's any money down there, it's mine. 1548 01:43:37,803 --> 01:43:41,921 (DEL) Look, there's the car, there's the top hat. 1549 01:43:58,683 --> 01:44:00,002 Del... 1550 01:44:00,163 --> 01:44:03,473 Don't you speak to me, Rodney. I'm finished with you! 1551 01:44:03,643 --> 01:44:05,952 Del, there is a man at the window. 1552 01:44:07,283 --> 01:44:08,682 You what? 1553 01:44:08,843 --> 01:44:11,880 There is a man at the window. 1554 01:44:12,043 --> 01:44:15,160 Ain't got a bucket and a chamois leather, has he? 1555 01:44:16,883 --> 01:44:21,479 I'm being serious, Del. There is somebody at the window. 1556 01:44:26,883 --> 01:44:33,356 All right, Rodney. All right. Relax, take it easy. I'lltake a look. 1557 01:44:48,003 --> 01:44:51,393 Nothing there, Rodney. There's no one out there. 1558 01:44:51,563 --> 01:44:55,158 He was there, Del, I swear to you. My face was inches from that glass. 1559 01:44:55,323 --> 01:44:57,279 - What did he look like? - '0rrible. 1560 01:44:57,443 --> 01:45:01,356 He had these evil eyes and this grotesque evilface. 1561 01:45:01,523 --> 01:45:03,753 Maybe it was a reflection. 1562 01:45:04,643 --> 01:45:08,352 That was no reflection, Del, I swear to God I was... 1563 01:45:08,523 --> 01:45:10,798 What d'you mean, a reflection?! 1564 01:45:10,963 --> 01:45:14,433 I mean your imagination plays games with you, you know? 1565 01:45:14,603 --> 01:45:17,117 It tricks you into seeing something that isn't really there. 1566 01:45:17,563 --> 01:45:20,202 Del, I saw the rain running down his forehead. 1567 01:45:20,363 --> 01:45:22,593 I saw the blood vessels in the whites of his eyes. 1568 01:45:22,763 --> 01:45:25,800 I saw the hairs coming out of his nostrils. 1569 01:45:25,963 --> 01:45:28,602 It might have been the shadows, Rodney. 1570 01:45:28,763 --> 01:45:30,082 Dear God! 1571 01:45:30,243 --> 01:45:32,313 (BANGING AT D00R) 1572 01:45:33,603 --> 01:45:35,355 (M0RE BANGING) 1573 01:45:35,523 --> 01:45:36,956 (MAN) Anyone there? 1574 01:45:37,483 --> 01:45:39,553 I think there's someone at the door. 1575 01:45:40,603 --> 01:45:42,833 It's probably just the shadows (!) 1576 01:45:44,163 --> 01:45:48,759 Shadows? Untilthey start singing ''Summer Holiday'' we'll expect the worst. 1577 01:45:50,843 --> 01:45:52,913 (DEL) Who's there? (MAN) Good evening. 1578 01:45:53,083 --> 01:45:56,234 (MAN) My name's Robson. I'm chief of security at the institution. 1579 01:45:56,403 --> 01:45:59,679 - Thank God for that! - What the hell are you doing?! 1580 01:45:59,843 --> 01:46:02,403 - It's the chief of security at the hospital. - Says who? 1581 01:46:02,563 --> 01:46:03,882 He just... 1582 01:46:05,483 --> 01:46:07,121 0h, yeah! 1583 01:46:07,283 --> 01:46:08,955 He could be anybody! 1584 01:46:12,683 --> 01:46:14,753 You...get ready! 1585 01:46:20,483 --> 01:46:22,121 - Well?. - What? 1586 01:46:24,123 --> 01:46:26,079 - Was that him? - Who? 1587 01:46:26,243 --> 01:46:28,882 - The face at the window! - I didn't look. 1588 01:46:29,043 --> 01:46:32,115 - You wally! - You never said what you was gonna do! 1589 01:46:32,283 --> 01:46:35,480 (MAN) Is everything all right? - Won't keep you a minute, chief. 1590 01:46:36,243 --> 01:46:38,598 Do it again, and this time take a good look. 1591 01:46:38,963 --> 01:46:40,282 Right? 1592 01:46:40,683 --> 01:46:42,002 Ready? 1593 01:46:42,523 --> 01:46:44,400 (MAN) Good evening. 1594 01:46:46,443 --> 01:46:48,001 - No, it's not. - You sure? 1595 01:46:48,163 --> 01:46:50,472 I'm positive, that is definitely not him. 1596 01:46:50,643 --> 01:46:52,315 All right, good. 1597 01:46:53,523 --> 01:46:55,912 - Do come in, chief. - Thank you. 1598 01:46:56,483 --> 01:46:58,599 - There we are. - Appalling weather. 1599 01:46:58,763 --> 01:47:02,756 Sorry about that, but you can't be too sure, can you? 1600 01:47:02,923 --> 01:47:05,153 You could've been a double-glazing salesman! 1601 01:47:05,763 --> 01:47:10,996 If you'd like to see some identification, there's my driver's licence and donor card. 1602 01:47:11,163 --> 01:47:12,721 No, that's all right. 1603 01:47:12,883 --> 01:47:15,636 Rodney, fix the chief a drink, willyou? 1604 01:47:15,803 --> 01:47:18,601 - You haven't caught him yet? - Unfortunately, no. 1605 01:47:18,763 --> 01:47:20,719 We've extended the search here now. 1606 01:47:20,883 --> 01:47:24,239 We've the entire forces of three counties looking for him. 1607 01:47:24,403 --> 01:47:28,601 I was passing, saw a light... What are you gentlemen doing here? 1608 01:47:28,763 --> 01:47:30,435 We're on a fishing trip. 1609 01:47:35,003 --> 01:47:37,073 I don't suppose you've seen anything? 1610 01:47:37,243 --> 01:47:39,313 0ther than the face at the window, nothing. 1611 01:47:39,483 --> 01:47:41,553 Face at the window? 1612 01:47:41,723 --> 01:47:46,353 Rodney said he saw a face and I don't know whether to believe him. 1613 01:47:46,523 --> 01:47:50,198 I saw him, Del. I was only three inches away from him. 1614 01:47:50,363 --> 01:47:53,673 - Could you describe him? - Yeah, 'course I could. 1615 01:47:53,843 --> 01:47:57,756 Fifty, with a gaunt, hungered expression, 1616 01:47:57,923 --> 01:48:00,039 and his eyes were like wild animals'. 1617 01:48:00,203 --> 01:48:03,798 - And hair out of his nostrils? - Yeah, there was allthat. 1618 01:48:03,963 --> 01:48:06,955 You're certain it wasn't a reflection? 1619 01:48:09,003 --> 01:48:11,312 Look, it was not a reflection! 1620 01:48:11,483 --> 01:48:14,839 I'm sorry, but people's imaginations run amok. 1621 01:48:15,003 --> 01:48:18,120 Why, we've had 200 sightings this evening alone. 1622 01:48:18,283 --> 01:48:20,797 What was the colour of his hair? 1623 01:48:21,563 --> 01:48:22,882 What...? 1624 01:48:24,203 --> 01:48:25,522 0n his head. 1625 01:48:26,403 --> 01:48:27,722 Grey. 1626 01:48:27,883 --> 01:48:31,398 Sounds like my man. When exactly did this happen? 1627 01:48:31,563 --> 01:48:33,952 A minute or so before you arrived. 1628 01:48:34,123 --> 01:48:35,795 He must have seen me. 1629 01:48:35,963 --> 01:48:39,433 - You reckon he's still out there? - He'll be long gone. 1630 01:48:39,603 --> 01:48:43,755 It's the uniform, you see, he's terrified of people in authority. 1631 01:48:43,923 --> 01:48:47,632 After ten years in an institution, who wouldn't be? 1632 01:48:47,803 --> 01:48:51,478 Well. I feel sorry for the poor little cock. 1633 01:48:52,963 --> 01:48:55,875 Chief, d'you mind if I ask you something? 1634 01:48:56,043 --> 01:48:59,513 Is it safe for me to go to the khazi? It's outside. 1635 01:49:00,243 --> 01:49:03,394 0h, you're perfectly safe! He'll be long gone. 1636 01:49:03,563 --> 01:49:05,440 That's all right, then. 1637 01:49:10,643 --> 01:49:13,396 (L0UD THUNDERCLAP) 1638 01:49:13,563 --> 01:49:16,157 There's nothing to be frightened of (!) 1639 01:49:16,323 --> 01:49:21,636 - You don't have to go out there, do you? - You heard the chief. Don't worry! 1640 01:49:23,403 --> 01:49:24,722 All right. 1641 01:49:32,203 --> 01:49:34,592 He's such a worrier! 1642 01:49:51,563 --> 01:49:54,396 - You weren't frightened at all?. - Me? Nah. 1643 01:49:54,763 --> 01:50:00,235 No, 'cause in the past I have worked for the mentally disturbed. 1644 01:50:00,403 --> 01:50:03,236 0ut selling flags one Saturday! 1645 01:50:04,803 --> 01:50:09,319 Well. yeah, but I can sympathise with this guy's problems. 1646 01:50:09,483 --> 01:50:12,281 Sympathise? But he's a psycho! 1647 01:50:12,443 --> 01:50:15,640 Have you any idea what a ''psycho'' is? 1648 01:50:15,803 --> 01:50:21,321 'Course I have. A geezer what dresses up in his mother's clothes. 1649 01:50:28,163 --> 01:50:30,074 (T0ILET FLUSHES) 1650 01:50:36,643 --> 01:50:38,361 (THUMP!) 1651 01:50:49,603 --> 01:50:51,992 Bloody hell's bells! 1652 01:50:52,563 --> 01:50:54,042 Rodney! Grandad! 1653 01:50:54,563 --> 01:50:57,157 Come out here, quick! Bring some rope! 1654 01:50:59,843 --> 01:51:06,112 Yeah, so then I grabbed the axe and cracked him on the jaw so he went down. 1655 01:51:06,283 --> 01:51:09,832 Then I tied him up tight and bundled him in the back of the van. 1656 01:51:10,003 --> 01:51:12,517 Good work, lad. Caught him single-handed? 1657 01:51:12,683 --> 01:51:14,036 Yeah... 1658 01:51:15,923 --> 01:51:17,595 Well. erm... 1659 01:51:17,923 --> 01:51:21,802 No. There was my brother at the cottage. He helped a bit. 1660 01:51:21,963 --> 01:51:24,272 You're too modest, Rodney (!) 1661 01:51:24,803 --> 01:51:27,761 (P0LICEMAN) There could be a medal in this. 1662 01:51:27,843 --> 01:51:29,162 Well... 1663 01:51:29,323 --> 01:51:33,032 Right, get ready, lads. This one could be a handful. 1664 01:51:37,283 --> 01:51:40,559 - Is this some kind ofjoke? - What d'you mean? 1665 01:51:40,723 --> 01:51:44,398 This is no escaped lunatic. It's Tom Whitham, the gamekeeper! 1666 01:51:44,563 --> 01:51:48,272 And you shouldn't have gagged him, he suffers from asthma! 1667 01:51:49,763 --> 01:51:54,837 Hold on a minute, the chief of security himself said it was him. 1668 01:51:55,003 --> 01:51:56,516 What chief of security?! 1669 01:51:56,683 --> 01:52:00,278 What's-his-name? Robson. You can ask him yourself. 1670 01:52:00,443 --> 01:52:02,434 He's back there with Del. 1671 01:52:02,603 --> 01:52:06,312 Chief Robson is not at the cottage. He's at the hospital. 1672 01:52:06,483 --> 01:52:11,716 The escaped man hit him then stole his uniform and ID papers. 1673 01:52:14,443 --> 01:52:16,479 I reckon we should have gone with 'em. 1674 01:52:16,643 --> 01:52:19,476 No, I had to make out my report immediately. 1675 01:52:19,643 --> 01:52:23,556 I needed you here. You were the one that recaptured him. 1676 01:52:23,923 --> 01:52:26,232 Well. I suppose, yeah. 1677 01:52:27,163 --> 01:52:29,961 What d'you say to a drink to celebrate, eh? 1678 01:52:30,603 --> 01:52:33,640 The weather's clearing up nicely. Look, a full moon. 1679 01:52:40,283 --> 01:52:42,513 There you go, chief. 1680 01:52:42,683 --> 01:52:45,322 (TELEPH0NE RINGS) 1681 01:52:45,403 --> 01:52:46,722 Yes, hello? 1682 01:52:46,883 --> 01:52:49,716 Hello, Rodders, d'you get there all right? 1683 01:52:56,923 --> 01:52:59,483 H-H-He's w-w-w-what? 1684 01:53:03,563 --> 01:53:04,882 N-n-no. 1685 01:53:06,083 --> 01:53:07,914 You all right? 1686 01:53:09,363 --> 01:53:12,992 The chief's just standing there... examining his axe. 1687 01:53:15,603 --> 01:53:18,197 Yeah, all right... Hurry back, won't you? 1688 01:53:19,163 --> 01:53:20,482 All right. Goodbye. 1689 01:53:25,763 --> 01:53:29,073 He just phoned to tell us he got there all right. 1690 01:53:29,243 --> 01:53:30,562 Good! 1691 01:53:31,123 --> 01:53:33,239 - D'you like fish? - What? 1692 01:53:33,403 --> 01:53:37,635 - Do you like fish?! - Yeah, with salt and vinegar, lovely! 1693 01:53:38,003 --> 01:53:40,278 I only like living fish. 1694 01:53:40,443 --> 01:53:45,517 Fish that swim in the rivers and seas. I don't like people that killthem. 1695 01:53:45,683 --> 01:53:47,992 No, I don't like that sort, meself. 1696 01:53:48,163 --> 01:53:53,191 - But I saw fishing rods on your van! - They belong to Rodney and Grandad. 1697 01:53:53,363 --> 01:53:56,321 I beg 'em not to hurt the poor fishies. 1698 01:53:56,483 --> 01:53:59,555 I only come down here for the fresh air. 1699 01:54:01,883 --> 01:54:03,202 Good. 1700 01:54:04,963 --> 01:54:06,715 D'you like snooker? 1701 01:54:09,363 --> 01:54:11,081 - Snooker? - Yes! 1702 01:54:12,123 --> 01:54:13,715 - Do you? - Yes. 1703 01:54:13,883 --> 01:54:17,273 - So do I, it's triffic. - Shallwe play a game? 1704 01:54:19,803 --> 01:54:21,998 - What, snooker? - Yes! 1705 01:54:22,523 --> 01:54:24,081 Yeah...all right. 1706 01:54:24,763 --> 01:54:28,312 I tellyou what, I'lljust pop out to the shed, 1707 01:54:28,483 --> 01:54:32,032 'cause I remember seeing a snooker table in there. All right? 1708 01:54:32,203 --> 01:54:33,522 No need! 1709 01:54:33,683 --> 01:54:35,719 (HE L0CKS THE D00R) 1710 01:54:36,283 --> 01:54:38,751 We'll use this one...here. 1711 01:54:43,323 --> 01:54:46,520 - What? This one here, you mean? - Yeah! 1712 01:54:49,843 --> 01:54:52,152 (HELIC0PTER 0VERHEAD) 1713 01:54:52,323 --> 01:54:54,837 - Thank God! - Is that a police helicopter? 1714 01:54:55,003 --> 01:54:56,595 No! You're all right. 1715 01:54:56,763 --> 01:54:58,481 It's Barratts. 1716 01:55:03,723 --> 01:55:05,042 Good! 1717 01:55:08,323 --> 01:55:10,154 You can break. 1718 01:55:14,763 --> 01:55:19,075 I tellyou what. Why don't I put that somewhere safe? 1719 01:55:19,243 --> 01:55:22,952 'Cause you won't be able to hold your cue, willyou? 1720 01:55:27,763 --> 01:55:29,082 No. 1721 01:55:30,403 --> 01:55:33,156 - I suppose you're right. - Yeah, 'course I am. 1722 01:55:33,323 --> 01:55:34,881 You know it makes sense. 1723 01:55:39,043 --> 01:55:40,681 Which cue would you like? 1724 01:55:53,323 --> 01:55:56,633 - I'll have this one. - Good. This is my favourite. 1725 01:55:59,483 --> 01:56:01,553 You can see it's a good'un. 1726 01:56:02,563 --> 01:56:05,202 I'm not very good at snooker. I always lose. 1727 01:56:05,363 --> 01:56:08,878 - I got a feeling you're gonna win this one. - I hope not! 1728 01:56:09,043 --> 01:56:10,840 I don't like winning. 1729 01:56:11,003 --> 01:56:13,597 My father forced me to win at everything. 1730 01:56:13,763 --> 01:56:15,594 But people challenge winners. 1731 01:56:15,763 --> 01:56:19,438 You become vulnerable. You feel open to attack. 1732 01:56:19,603 --> 01:56:23,312 - Do you know the feeling? - I know exactly! 1733 01:56:23,483 --> 01:56:26,077 The losers are anonymous. 1734 01:56:26,723 --> 01:56:29,362 No one wants to challenge a loser. 1735 01:56:29,523 --> 01:56:31,593 There's something comforting in defeat. 1736 01:56:33,163 --> 01:56:35,154 I really like losing. 1737 01:56:37,843 --> 01:56:39,162 Do yer? 1738 01:56:40,763 --> 01:56:43,914 What d'you say we make this game more interesting? 1739 01:56:44,843 --> 01:56:47,277 Shallwe play for a tenner a frame? 1740 01:56:47,723 --> 01:56:49,042 All right. 1741 01:56:49,643 --> 01:56:53,477 This weekend is not gonna be a total loss after all... 1742 01:56:53,723 --> 01:56:55,315 - Sorry? - Nothing. 1743 01:56:55,723 --> 01:56:57,361 Got the chalk? 1744 01:56:58,843 --> 01:57:00,162 Thanks. 1745 01:57:00,323 --> 01:57:02,075 (DEL MAKES CHALKING N0ISE) 1746 01:57:07,523 --> 01:57:10,959 # We've got some half-price cracked ice And miles and miles of carpet tiles 1747 01:57:11,123 --> 01:57:14,001 # TVs, deep freeze and David Bowie LPs 1748 01:57:14,163 --> 01:57:16,882 # Ball games, gold chains, what's-their-names and at a push 1749 01:57:17,043 --> 01:57:20,080 # Some Trevor Francis tracksuits from a mush in Shepherd's Bush 1750 01:57:20,243 --> 01:57:22,711 # Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush 1751 01:57:22,883 --> 01:57:25,636 # No income tax, no VAT 1752 01:57:25,803 --> 01:57:29,113 # No money back, no guarantee 1753 01:57:29,283 --> 01:57:32,081 # Black or white, rich or broke 1754 01:57:32,243 --> 01:57:36,873 # We'll cut prices at a stroke 1755 01:57:37,043 --> 01:57:39,921 # God bless Hooky Street! 1756 01:57:40,083 --> 01:57:42,995 # Viva Hooky Street! 1757 01:57:43,163 --> 01:57:45,393 # Long live Hooky Street! 1758 01:57:45,563 --> 01:57:49,112 # C'est magnifique, Hooky Street! 1759 01:57:49,283 --> 01:57:52,832 # Magnifique, Hooky Street! 1760 01:57:53,883 --> 01:57:55,919 # Hooky Street! 1761 01:57:57,003 --> 01:57:59,437 # Hooky Street! # 136090