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1
00:00:47,959 --> 00:00:49,351
Oh yeah!
2
00:00:50,925 --> 00:00:54,061
Hey Grandad. You wanna see this book
Mickey Pearce lent me!
3
00:00:54,495 --> 00:00:56,865
It teaches you how to say
filthy things to women
4
00:00:56,877 --> 00:00:59,258
from great distances
without actually speaking!
5
00:00:59,636 --> 00:01:01,773
They can't set their brothers
on you or nothing!
6
00:01:02,925 --> 00:01:06,676
D'you like your baked potatoes
really well done Rodney?
7
00:01:07,474 --> 00:01:10,660
- Have I got a choice?
- Well, not really!
8
00:01:11,511 --> 00:01:14,124
Yeah I like 'em really well done Grandad!
I like 'em
9
00:01:14,136 --> 00:01:16,760
all burnt up so they look
like rock-hard prunes.
10
00:01:17,584 --> 00:01:20,234
Oh good! Well dinner won't be long then.
11
00:01:24,172 --> 00:01:25,920
Body language?
12
00:01:26,168 --> 00:01:29,244
Yeah, it's no good for you Grandad,
you'd need an interpreter!
13
00:01:31,546 --> 00:01:36,111
- Alright Grandad, dinner ruined yet?
- Coming along nicely Del Boy.
14
00:01:36,472 --> 00:01:39,516
Good good!...'ang on 'ere y' are.
15
00:01:39,773 --> 00:01:42,302
There's a score for yer, little
Christmas pressie.
16
00:01:42,521 --> 00:01:48,119
Oh cheers Del, very nice of you.
I didn't get you nothing,
17
00:01:48,464 --> 00:01:52,376
I don't agree with the commercialisation
of a Christian Festival.
18
00:01:54,640 --> 00:01:57,917
I don't believe that! He
actually took me money then gave
19
00:01:57,929 --> 00:02:01,218
me a rollocking! It's like
being mugged by a magistrate!
20
00:02:02,382 --> 00:02:04,582
Oh, and Merry Christmas.
21
00:02:04,795 --> 00:02:08,509
Yeah - and a partridge up yer pear tree
an' all you saucy old git!
22
00:02:08,912 --> 00:02:11,961
What happened to you today then?
I thought I'd see
23
00:02:11,973 --> 00:02:15,034
you down the Nag's for
a preluncheon aperitif
24
00:02:15,816 --> 00:02:20,912
and some light conversation with your
little head bangers!
25
00:02:22,372 --> 00:02:26,305
No my stomach is a bit
dicey. Sort of burning pains!
26
00:02:26,944 --> 00:02:29,904
That'll teach you to play Russian
roulette with a mutton vindaloo won't it?
27
00:02:31,201 --> 00:02:33,898
This is psychosomatic mate.
This is me brain
28
00:02:33,910 --> 00:02:36,619
sending messages to
me belly warning it
29
00:02:36,775 --> 00:02:39,800
that Grandad's rotten Christmas
dinner'll be on it's
30
00:02:39,812 --> 00:02:42,848
way down soon! Have a
butchers in that kitchen Del!
31
00:02:43,148 --> 00:02:46,332
It's all smoke 'n' smells, it's horrible!
He's got baked
32
00:02:46,344 --> 00:02:49,539
potatoes that look more
like lumps of anthracite!
33
00:02:50,625 --> 00:02:53,349
There's green stuff out there
- I don't know what it is Del,
34
00:02:53,361 --> 00:02:56,096
I was gonna ask then I thought
I'd wait till you got in!
35
00:02:56,446 --> 00:02:58,122
Why do you let him do it Del?
36
00:02:58,300 --> 00:03:00,092
Well it's a tradition innit?
He's been cooking
37
00:03:00,104 --> 00:03:01,908
Christmas dinner
ever since Mum went!
38
00:03:02,325 --> 00:03:04,676
Yeah and he's been cooking it
up ever since Mum went!
39
00:03:05,195 --> 00:03:08,492
What do you want,
a sacre-bleu chef or something?
40
00:03:09,223 --> 00:03:13,763
I mean I don't fancy it any more than
you do Rodders, but what can we do?
41
00:03:14,438 --> 00:03:16,313
Let's pretend we've both
become vegetarians,
42
00:03:16,325 --> 00:03:18,212
then we won't have
to eat his turkey!
43
00:03:18,464 --> 00:03:23,146
Don't be a dipstick all your life Rodney!
If we pretend we're vegetarians
44
00:03:23,353 --> 00:03:26,193
we'll end up with a plate of anthracite and
green stuff!
45
00:03:26,972 --> 00:03:30,375
Well I'm gonna say I'm on hunger strike
- some kind of humanitarian grounds!
46
00:03:30,729 --> 00:03:35,792
Leave it out will yer. I remember
the lasy time you went on hunger strike
47
00:03:35,993 --> 00:03:40,591
over a protest about the American
cruise missiles being based in Britain.
48
00:03:40,931 --> 00:03:43,891
You said that you were gonna starve
yourself until the missiles were moved.
49
00:03:43,969 --> 00:03:44,468
So?
50
00:03:44,773 --> 00:03:47,711
So that was eight months ago!
The missiles are still
51
00:03:47,723 --> 00:03:50,672
here but what's more to
the point so are you!
52
00:03:52,353 --> 00:03:55,114
You went one and 'arf days on hunger
strike then sent out for a curry!
53
00:03:55,264 --> 00:03:56,280
Well I was starving!
54
00:03:56,444 --> 00:04:00,432
That's the idea of it, you plonker!
Grandad'll never
55
00:04:00,444 --> 00:04:04,444
wear that! Anyway, cooking
the Christmas dinner
56
00:04:08,250 --> 00:04:11,378
has become Grandad's purpose in life.
All year
57
00:04:11,390 --> 00:04:14,529
long he sits in that chair
watching the tellies
58
00:04:14,703 --> 00:04:17,956
like an unoiled redundant cog.
59
00:04:18,907 --> 00:04:21,990
But come Christmas time he knows
that he can whir into action.
60
00:04:22,451 --> 00:04:25,092
It's his role within the family circle.
It makes him
61
00:04:25,104 --> 00:04:27,757
feel that he still has an
important part to play,
62
00:04:28,417 --> 00:04:33,850
y'know that he's still needed! You don't
want to take that away from him do you?
63
00:04:34,010 --> 00:04:35,201
All for the sake of a
little bit of...
64
00:04:35,225 --> 00:04:38,488
Botulism!! No, alright Del!
65
00:04:38,863 --> 00:04:43,571
Why don't you do what I do? Just put the
dinner in your mouth and think of England!
66
00:04:45,684 --> 00:04:50,588
Anyway, for all we know this year it may
turn out to be a gourmets' dream!
67
00:04:51,075 --> 00:04:54,101
I'll just strain the gravy then
I'll give it up!
68
00:05:10,411 --> 00:05:12,559
We'll have get a plug put
on this thing Rodney!
69
00:05:21,572 --> 00:05:23,563
Alright, alright I'll have
some wine please Rodney.
70
00:05:23,587 --> 00:05:26,404
D'you want some gravy Del?
71
00:05:26,416 --> 00:05:29,244
No thanks Grandad, I'll
have a drop of wine.
72
00:05:43,919 --> 00:05:47,340
Oh bain marie, bain marie!
I will say this for those
73
00:05:47,352 --> 00:05:50,785
old Frogs, they make a
blinding drop of wine!
74
00:05:52,588 --> 00:05:57,379
That shiyster down at the off-licence only
tried to palm me off with table wine!
75
00:05:58,411 --> 00:06:00,607
Must have
thought I was a Philistine or something.
76
00:06:02,281 --> 00:06:05,465
Anyway, I pulled him up
a bit sharpish. I said
77
00:06:05,477 --> 00:06:08,673
'Oi John. I don't want
none of yer table wine.
78
00:06:09,386 --> 00:06:13,427
I said get down that cellar and you get
me out a bottle of Vin Ordinaire!'...
79
00:06:26,764 --> 00:06:32,127
Hmmm, not bad Grandad,
slightly underdone maybe.
80
00:06:32,975 --> 00:06:36,513
Slightly underdone? The reckon the kiss
of life would revive that turkey!
81
00:06:37,683 --> 00:06:41,380
- That's enough Rodney!
- How's yer guts now Rodney?
82
00:06:43,092 --> 00:06:45,374
Not too bad now Grandad,
thank you very much!
83
00:06:47,183 --> 00:06:50,305
- Hope he ain't got worms!
- He's doing this on purpose!
84
00:06:50,596 --> 00:06:56,131
Now come on you two. This is the dinner
table I mean worms and all that!
85
00:06:56,746 --> 00:06:59,652
Rodney's got a burning sensation in his
stomach ain't you Rodney?
86
00:07:01,578 --> 00:07:03,007
Maybe they're glow worms!
87
00:07:06,062 --> 00:07:08,748
Oi oi oi! What's your game?
88
00:07:08,951 --> 00:07:10,611
Well do you think we could
change the subject?
89
00:07:10,635 --> 00:07:13,900
Alright alright. There's no
need to get overwrought!
90
00:07:19,438 --> 00:07:22,925
This turkey's lovely Grandad, innit Rodney?
91
00:07:23,542 --> 00:07:24,542
Triffic!
92
00:07:27,190 --> 00:07:28,815
Who's Brenda and Terry?
93
00:07:30,869 --> 00:07:32,725
Who's Brenda and Terry?
94
00:07:32,933 --> 00:07:33,933
Who's Brenda and Terry?
95
00:07:34,277 --> 00:07:35,613
Who's Brenda and Terry Rodney?
96
00:07:35,767 --> 00:07:37,005
I don't know!
97
00:07:37,193 --> 00:07:38,893
What are you on about you old div?
98
00:07:39,934 --> 00:07:43,405
We got a Christmas card from 'em.
It said love from
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00:07:43,417 --> 00:07:46,899
Brenda and Terry and the kids
Shirley, Shane and Shaun.
100
00:07:47,121 --> 00:07:49,124
Yeah, yeah that was
from Brenda and Terry!
101
00:07:49,136 --> 00:07:51,150
I know! But who is
Brenda and Terry?
102
00:07:51,934 --> 00:07:53,966
It's Shirley, Shane and
Shaun's mum and dad innit?
103
00:07:55,080 --> 00:07:57,957
Oh! Did we send them one back?
104
00:07:58,561 --> 00:08:00,369
How could we send them one back?
Who don't even
105
00:08:00,381 --> 00:08:02,201
know who they are let
alone where they live!
106
00:08:02,452 --> 00:08:05,766
Just as well with them rotten
Christmas cards you bought.
107
00:08:05,951 --> 00:08:08,199
There was nothing wrong with them cards!
You didn't
108
00:08:08,211 --> 00:08:10,470
like them 'cause they came
from a charity organization!
109
00:08:10,683 --> 00:08:15,068
Now that is not fair Rodney. Nobody like a
good cause better than me do they Grandad?
110
00:08:15,445 --> 00:08:17,960
It's just that when you're
choosing Christmas cards you've
111
00:08:17,972 --> 00:08:20,498
got to be very careful about
which charity you choose.
112
00:08:20,986 --> 00:08:23,819
What do you mean got to be careful about
which charity you choose?
113
00:08:24,344 --> 00:08:27,806
Well some of them cards might
offend our neighbours and friends.
114
00:08:27,818 --> 00:08:31,291
It says Merry Christmas from
Del Boy, Rodney and Grandad,
115
00:08:31,679 --> 00:08:34,828
and all the gang at the
Deptford drug-addiction centre!
116
00:08:36,032 --> 00:08:37,657
And with all the cuts
we've had in social
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00:08:37,669 --> 00:08:39,305
services you don't think
that's a good cause?
118
00:08:39,329 --> 00:08:41,277
I'm not saying it's not a
good cause Rodney! All
119
00:08:41,289 --> 00:08:43,249
I'm saying is that at
Christmas time people prefer
120
00:08:43,342 --> 00:08:46,308
a traditional Christmas
card, you know with a nice
121
00:08:46,320 --> 00:08:49,297
wintery scene - a snowman,
a little robin redbreast -
122
00:08:49,631 --> 00:08:53,387
not a sprig of holly and a bunch of
mistletoe wrapped round a rusty syringe!
123
00:08:54,494 --> 00:08:56,285
You do me right up sometimes
Del!
124
00:08:56,702 --> 00:08:59,157
I don't know why they want these
drug-addiction centres.
125
00:08:59,996 --> 00:09:04,050
I mean ain't we got enough drug addicts
without them recruiting them?
126
00:09:07,972 --> 00:09:11,652
No Grandad! They're not
training centres! Oh
127
00:09:11,664 --> 00:09:15,356
God, I give up! Can we
change the subject again?
128
00:09:15,643 --> 00:09:18,592
Stroll on Rodney, we're going through
subjects quicker than Mastermind!
129
00:09:23,088 --> 00:09:25,095
You didn't throw the giblets
away did you?
130
00:09:26,869 --> 00:09:31,536
I only asked because I promised them
to the old girl down stairs for her cat!
131
00:09:31,787 --> 00:09:36,963
There weren't any giblets in it Del. It
was ready-cleaned, said so on the box.
132
00:09:37,201 --> 00:09:39,750
Yeah I know it was ready-cleaned
Grandad, but they put the
133
00:09:39,762 --> 00:09:42,322
giblets in a plastic bag then
put it back in the turkey.
134
00:09:43,817 --> 00:09:45,401
- Do they?
- Yeah.
135
00:09:49,903 --> 00:09:54,451
- You took the bag out didn't you?
- I didn't know it was in there Del!
136
00:09:54,675 --> 00:09:55,936
Oh my Gawd!
137
00:09:56,560 --> 00:09:58,866
You mean he's cooked it with
everything still in it?
138
00:09:59,190 --> 00:10:04,473
Oh my good God, it's like
peering into the jaws of hell!
139
00:10:05,644 --> 00:10:07,590
Didn't you at any time notice it?
Like for
140
00:10:07,602 --> 00:10:09,560
instance when you were
putting in the stuffing in?
141
00:10:09,814 --> 00:10:11,207
There's stuffing in there as
well??
142
00:10:11,400 --> 00:10:12,867
Oh it's everything in here Rodney.
143
00:10:13,784 --> 00:10:17,252
Sage and onion, molten plastic and...
things!
144
00:10:17,264 --> 00:10:20,743
It's like an Irish night
in a delicatessen!
145
00:10:22,075 --> 00:10:24,841
I just didn't' know it was in
there Del Boy!
146
00:10:28,486 --> 00:10:32,010
Alright Grandad, don't get
overwrought, it's over
147
00:10:32,022 --> 00:10:35,557
and done with innit eh?
Don't upset yourself,
148
00:10:36,800 --> 00:10:40,171
As the French say, it's a fait acomplan
149
00:10:50,506 --> 00:10:52,227
What about the old afters eh?
150
00:10:52,499 --> 00:10:53,519
I'll go'n get it.
151
00:11:08,018 --> 00:11:11,627
Don't worry!
Cause custard is his forte!
152
00:11:18,085 --> 00:11:21,839
D'you like your Christmas
pudding really well done?
153
00:12:19,974 --> 00:12:21,403
Sorry!
154
00:12:25,240 --> 00:12:32,233
- I don't like circuses!
- What?
155
00:12:33,029 --> 00:12:35,186
- I don't like circuses!
- Oh!
156
00:12:36,826 --> 00:12:39,086
- I never have liked 'em!
- Triffic!
157
00:12:41,205 --> 00:12:43,172
Never will like 'em - Circuses.
158
00:12:43,353 --> 00:12:45,913
Alright you've made your point
Rodney! Why don't you switch over?
159
00:12:53,973 --> 00:12:55,893
There's one on the other side!
160
00:12:56,123 --> 00:12:58,957
Is there? It's a pity you
don't like 'em or you
161
00:12:58,969 --> 00:13:01,814
could be having a whale
of a time couldn't yer?
162
00:13:02,489 --> 00:13:04,502
Now put a sock in it for
'arf hour or so will you?
163
00:13:14,088 --> 00:13:16,032
It's good living in a tower
block annit Del?
164
00:13:16,206 --> 00:13:18,550
Yeah, mustard. The Queen don't
know what she's missing.
165
00:13:19,995 --> 00:13:24,481
Look at that view eh? On a
clear day you can see... the ground.
166
00:13:27,861 --> 00:13:33,826
Boring Boring Boring Boring
167
00:13:43,399 --> 00:13:45,677
I'll whack you one in a minute Rodney!!!
168
00:13:48,366 --> 00:13:50,131
Well nothing's open out there
and I'm bored!
169
00:13:50,871 --> 00:13:54,221
Hang about and I'll
get on the phone and
170
00:13:54,233 --> 00:13:57,594
knock you up a Mardi Gras.
Everyone's bored!
171
00:13:59,125 --> 00:14:01,853
Christmas is a religious festival,
it's meant to be boring!
172
00:14:03,410 --> 00:14:05,307
I thought we we're
supposed to be celebrating
173
00:14:05,319 --> 00:14:07,228
the birth of our Lord!
A time of great joy!
174
00:14:07,692 --> 00:14:09,934
It's a time of great joy and
that's why everything's
175
00:14:09,946 --> 00:14:12,199
closed! Everyone's at
home enjoying themselves!
176
00:14:13,742 --> 00:14:16,259
- Enjoying themselves?
- Where's me nuts.
177
00:14:21,860 --> 00:14:25,640
Just take a look at it out there, Del.
It's like a neutron bomb's hit it
178
00:14:26,097 --> 00:14:30,085
the buildings are still standing
but there's no sign of life!
179
00:14:30,097 --> 00:14:34,097
No, the British nation have
forgotten how to enjoy itself!
180
00:14:35,222 --> 00:14:40,214
We're all charging toward the cliff edge
of terminal boredom like a herd of...
181
00:14:41,868 --> 00:14:43,908
What's them things that commit
suicide all the time?
182
00:14:43,992 --> 00:14:45,759
Japanese!
183
00:14:46,931 --> 00:14:52,689
No, lemmings! Yeah like a herd of lemmings!
Let's go out somewhere Del.
184
00:14:53,012 --> 00:14:55,024
There's bound
to be a pub or a club open somewhere!
185
00:14:55,300 --> 00:14:56,638
It's Christmas night Rodney!
186
00:14:58,536 --> 00:15:02,328
The Monte Carlo club over New Cross is
open! There again it's a bit rough!
187
00:15:02,504 --> 00:15:08,052
Oh yes all them big men, drinking beer
and burping! You great big tart you!
188
00:15:08,607 --> 00:15:10,955
Alright let's go to the Monte Carlo.
A few birds
189
00:15:10,967 --> 00:15:13,327
get down there, we might
be able to pull a couple!
190
00:15:13,521 --> 00:15:16,815
- I don't want to go out Rodney!
- You're boring as well!
191
00:15:17,013 --> 00:15:19,103
You're hardly a go on the big
dipper yourself Rodney!
192
00:15:19,305 --> 00:15:20,751
Well why don't you want to go
out??
193
00:15:21,055 --> 00:15:23,276
I'll tell you why shall I?
It may have slipped your
194
00:15:23,288 --> 00:15:25,521
notice but there are three
people living in this flat.
195
00:15:25,777 --> 00:15:28,579
You, me and that scruffy
little old man who does
196
00:15:28,591 --> 00:15:31,404
funny things to turkeys.
Namely our Grandfather!
197
00:15:32,013 --> 00:15:34,055
Now you're not seriously
suggesting that we just
198
00:15:34,067 --> 00:15:36,121
push off out of it and
leave him here on his own?
199
00:15:36,366 --> 00:15:37,753
But we often leave him on his
own!
200
00:15:37,959 --> 00:15:41,052
Not on Christmas night Rodney,
not on Christmas night!
201
00:15:41,625 --> 00:15:44,908
But we sit with him every
Christmas. He wouldn't mind just this once!
202
00:15:45,292 --> 00:15:47,647
He'd pretend he didn't mind!
But you don't know what'll
203
00:15:47,659 --> 00:15:50,025
be going through his
little mind as he sat here
204
00:15:50,188 --> 00:15:51,589
in this empty flat all on his own.
205
00:15:52,170 --> 00:15:55,122
Thinking about the good
old days when Mum and
206
00:15:55,134 --> 00:15:58,097
Dad were here - when
Christmas was a great,
207
00:15:58,268 --> 00:16:01,129
big family affair, and
we're still a family
208
00:16:01,141 --> 00:16:04,014
Rodney so we'll stay here
with Grandad and watch,
209
00:16:04,908 --> 00:16:07,821
- Y' know The Sound of Music.
- I don't like The Sound of Music!
210
00:16:08,502 --> 00:16:10,252
- Well we'll switch over!
- What's on?
211
00:16:10,454 --> 00:16:13,676
- A circus.
- I want to go out Del!
212
00:16:14,138 --> 00:16:16,670
Listen Rodney, there are
a lot of old people all
213
00:16:16,682 --> 00:16:19,225
over the country tonight
sitting on their own.
214
00:16:19,581 --> 00:16:22,614
Half of 'em don't get a Christmas
card let alone a bit of
215
00:16:22,626 --> 00:16:25,671
company. So you're going to
stay in with me and Grandad.
216
00:16:26,544 --> 00:16:28,824
If I want to go out I'll go out!
217
00:16:29,507 --> 00:16:30,939
- No you won't!
- Yes I will!
218
00:16:31,117 --> 00:16:33,016
- You won't Rodney!
- I will Del!
219
00:16:33,225 --> 00:16:34,639
- You won't!
- I will!
220
00:16:34,863 --> 00:16:36,308
- You won't!
- I will!
221
00:16:36,514 --> 00:16:40,921
- I'm off out now, see you later.
- Yeah see you later Grandad.
222
00:16:46,200 --> 00:16:48,296
Where'd you think you're going?
223
00:16:48,593 --> 00:16:51,013
I'm going to the Old Folks
Christmas Do over at the
224
00:16:51,025 --> 00:16:53,457
Community Centre. I thought
anything'd be better
225
00:16:53,639 --> 00:16:57,625
than sitting in here all night
listening to you two arguing.
226
00:16:57,637 --> 00:17:01,634
Tell us what happens in The
Sound of Music. See yer.
227
00:17:02,724 --> 00:17:04,257
Yeah... See yer, Grandad.
228
00:17:07,105 --> 00:17:09,075
That's terrific that is, innit?
229
00:17:09,308 --> 00:17:13,280
Charming. He goes out gallivanting and we
have to stay in and watch Julie Andrews.
230
00:17:14,122 --> 00:17:17,031
Oh no, bruver - definitely not.
Let's put our
231
00:17:17,043 --> 00:17:19,963
glad rags on and hit
the Monte Carlo Club.
232
00:17:23,006 --> 00:17:26,641
I'll have a bath first 'cause there's
hardly any hot water left. Fix
233
00:17:26,653 --> 00:17:30,299
yerself a drink, make yerself
comfortable - and watch the circus.
234
00:18:03,330 --> 00:18:09,931
Oi John. Giss a Remi Martin with cream
soda and lots of ice, and 'arf of lager.
235
00:18:11,898 --> 00:18:14,656
- You alright, Earl?
- Hullo Del Boy. Nice Christmas?
236
00:18:14,855 --> 00:18:19,064
- Blinder. Where's the enemy?
- She took the kids over her mum's.
237
00:18:20,742 --> 00:18:22,110
How's the old man?
238
00:18:22,308 --> 00:18:26,296
Up and down like Tower Bridge.
Still in hospital - unconscious
239
00:18:26,308 --> 00:18:30,308
most of the time - when he wakes
up he don't know where he is.
240
00:18:33,210 --> 00:18:35,377
Well next time he comes
round again you wish
241
00:18:35,389 --> 00:18:37,568
him a Merry Christmas
from me and Rodney.
242
00:18:38,143 --> 00:18:39,165
I will, Del.
243
00:18:40,436 --> 00:18:44,631
- What's wrong with him?
- I can't pronounce it.
244
00:18:52,044 --> 00:18:54,680
Oh, now listen Earl, now
listen my son, this is what
245
00:18:54,692 --> 00:18:57,340
you want to do. Next time
you're up the hospital,
246
00:18:57,516 --> 00:18:59,613
you get hold of one of them
surgeons you know they're the
247
00:18:59,625 --> 00:19:01,733
guys with the little white
jackets and you say to him
248
00:19:01,757 --> 00:19:03,545
that your old Dad wants some antibiotics,
249
00:19:05,309 --> 00:19:12,411
An - ee - by-o-ics. I'll
write it down for yer.
250
00:19:13,329 --> 00:19:15,809
Give me that Replay that I gave you
for your Christmas present.
251
00:19:18,580 --> 00:19:20,528
You're being a bit pushy, ain't you?
I mean don't
252
00:19:20,540 --> 00:19:22,500
you think the hospital's
already thought of that?
253
00:19:22,965 --> 00:19:26,774
That bunch of wallies?? These
are magic things Earl.
254
00:19:26,786 --> 00:19:30,606
They work a treat. Gawd knows
where they get 'em from.
255
00:19:30,914 --> 00:19:33,675
D'you remember when Grandad was in
hospital about eighteen month back?
256
00:19:33,913 --> 00:19:36,270
They gave him so many
antibiotics that one day
257
00:19:36,282 --> 00:19:38,650
he sneezed and two other
blokes got better.
258
00:19:41,953 --> 00:19:45,821
Well there it is. Don't take this to
a chemist's it ain't a prescription.
259
00:19:46,205 --> 00:19:49,491
No I won't, Del Boy. Well
thanks a lot, that's really nice of you.
260
00:19:49,800 --> 00:19:53,999
That's alright my son. You have a good
Christmas, you hear? Come on Rodney.
261
00:19:56,597 --> 00:19:59,702
You're something else you are.
You've stuck your nose in where
262
00:19:59,714 --> 00:20:02,830
it weren't wanted a good few times
but this takes the biscuit.
263
00:20:03,095 --> 00:20:04,829
Suddenly you're a
miracle worker.
264
00:20:05,762 --> 00:20:09,212
Listen Rodney. Life's been
pretty gutty for Earl
265
00:20:09,224 --> 00:20:12,685
quite recently. First,
he got made redundant,
266
00:20:12,851 --> 00:20:15,086
it's been like that between
him and his missus...
267
00:20:15,391 --> 00:20:17,928
...then to top it all his old
man collapses in the Nag's
268
00:20:17,940 --> 00:20:20,489
Head right across the table
where me and Trig were sitting.
269
00:20:20,658 --> 00:20:23,140
It was terrible, glasses
went flying, everything.
270
00:20:23,152 --> 00:20:25,646
Yeah? What, serious?
271
00:20:26,403 --> 00:20:30,391
No, I only had about that much left.
No, I mean can't afford
272
00:20:30,403 --> 00:20:34,403
a private hospital. He wanted
to take his dad to Lourdes,
273
00:20:34,578 --> 00:20:36,746
but couldn't afford the fare.
The way his luck's going
274
00:20:36,758 --> 00:20:38,938
he couldn't afford the fare
to Leeds let alone Lourdes.
275
00:20:41,064 --> 00:20:43,868
So I have just given him
a bit of false hope - a
276
00:20:43,880 --> 00:20:46,696
light at the end of the
tunnel, a straw to grab at,
277
00:20:48,138 --> 00:20:49,879
a bit of promise for the New Year.
278
00:20:55,491 --> 00:20:57,639
But what if he tells the
hospital to administer
279
00:20:57,651 --> 00:20:59,810
these drugs? It might
finish the old man off.
280
00:21:00,450 --> 00:21:04,679
Leave it out Rodney. What do you think they
are up the hospital, a bunch of wallies?
281
00:21:05,613 --> 00:21:06,613
But you just said...
282
00:21:09,243 --> 00:21:12,568
You're flash you are aintcha?
You think you
283
00:21:12,580 --> 00:21:15,917
know the lot. Everything
about you is - lairy.
284
00:21:18,173 --> 00:21:19,558
What do you mean - lairy?
285
00:21:19,827 --> 00:21:22,040
Well just look at the way
you're dressed to begin
286
00:21:22,052 --> 00:21:24,276
with. You make Christmas
trees look sombre.
287
00:21:25,679 --> 00:21:27,492
And God knows how you've
got the courage to
288
00:21:27,504 --> 00:21:29,328
walk down dark alleys
wearing all that gold.
289
00:21:29,987 --> 00:21:33,136
When they see you coming you must look
like a mugger's pension scheme.
290
00:21:34,207 --> 00:21:39,777
Listen how d'you think a peacock attracts
a lady peacock? With his plummage.
291
00:21:40,805 --> 00:21:44,642
This is my plummage...
When I approach a bird she
292
00:21:44,654 --> 00:21:48,502
don't see me, the good-looking
young man about town,
293
00:21:48,690 --> 00:21:51,630
own teeth and all that sort of game.
She sees
294
00:21:51,642 --> 00:21:54,593
in her subconscious a
white yacht floating
295
00:21:54,854 --> 00:21:57,106
on the blue waters of a
Caribbean bay.
296
00:21:57,348 --> 00:21:58,767
- Is that right?
- Yeah.
297
00:21:59,229 --> 00:22:02,801
With you they se a winkle barge
sinking off the end of Southend pier.
298
00:22:03,427 --> 00:22:06,449
No, because I don't need all
the bullion and perfume and
299
00:22:06,461 --> 00:22:09,494
the white shoes. I'm natural
- I'm me, Del, I'm me.
300
00:22:09,794 --> 00:22:12,314
Yes, I know you're you, that's
why you always end up with a dog.
301
00:22:12,552 --> 00:22:14,124
I don't go out with dogs!
302
00:22:14,333 --> 00:22:17,393
Leave it off Rodney, you've
had more dogs than Crufts.
303
00:22:17,405 --> 00:22:20,477
The other week Grandad took
your suit to the cleaners
304
00:22:20,633 --> 00:22:23,730
and found a muzzle in the pocket.
No Rodney, I know
305
00:22:23,742 --> 00:22:26,850
the secret, that's why I
always blag the good 'uns
306
00:22:27,185 --> 00:22:30,727
the air hostesses and
part-time models... Oh
307
00:22:30,739 --> 00:22:34,293
yes bruv I got the secret
- it never fails me
308
00:22:39,823 --> 00:22:42,264
Got a bone handy Rodders?
I think you've cracked it again.
309
00:23:07,142 --> 00:23:09,261
I wouldn't mind a sit down,
the pins are aching.
310
00:23:09,561 --> 00:23:12,620
Amazing innit? I mean look
at us - the Peckham Playboys
311
00:23:12,632 --> 00:23:15,703
and I bet the only one who's
pulled tonight is Grandad.
312
00:23:15,990 --> 00:23:17,718
I thought you'd be used to it.
The only thing
313
00:23:17,730 --> 00:23:19,470
you ever pull at Christmas
is yer cracker.
314
00:23:21,239 --> 00:23:23,513
There's a table free over
there, Rodders look lively.
315
00:23:29,794 --> 00:23:31,991
- Hey Del, look.
- What?
316
00:23:33,607 --> 00:23:35,187
Ah no, they've only pinched
our table.
317
00:23:35,420 --> 00:23:37,380
Never mind about the table,
Del. Look at them two.
318
00:23:37,535 --> 00:23:41,279
- But I want to sit down.
- We'll sit at their table. Come on.
319
00:23:48,271 --> 00:23:50,259
- Well go on then Del!
- Go on then what?
320
00:23:50,536 --> 00:23:51,929
Do the bizzo. Chat 'em up.
321
00:23:52,270 --> 00:23:54,416
How come it's always me
who's gotta do the donkey
322
00:23:54,428 --> 00:23:56,585
work, eh? You're like a
spy you are, Rodders.
323
00:23:56,925 --> 00:23:59,547
You find where the enemy is
hiding but I'm the one who's
324
00:23:59,559 --> 00:24:02,193
gotta charge across no man's
land and do the capturing!
325
00:24:02,750 --> 00:24:05,881
Well I think it's about time you
took a bit of shot and shell. Go on.
326
00:24:07,033 --> 00:24:09,294
- You mean chat 'em up?
- Yeah. Go on.
327
00:24:11,313 --> 00:24:14,469
- Alright then, I'll do it.
- Go on then.
328
00:24:15,732 --> 00:24:16,805
I will.
329
00:24:25,370 --> 00:24:26,370
What you doing?
330
00:24:26,551 --> 00:24:27,551
What you doing?
331
00:24:27,808 --> 00:24:29,286
Psyching meself up.
332
00:24:31,030 --> 00:24:34,003
It's alright, he'll be with you in a minute
girls, he's just psyching himself up.
333
00:24:34,027 --> 00:24:35,027
Shut up, will you?!
334
00:24:35,184 --> 00:24:39,679
Come on, behave yourself. This is kamikaze
time, get over there!
335
00:24:39,998 --> 00:24:41,487
- I will!
- Well go on then!
336
00:24:41,680 --> 00:24:43,515
In my own time, Del!
337
00:24:54,281 --> 00:24:55,409
Well go on then.
338
00:24:55,673 --> 00:24:57,216
Just shut up, will you?
339
00:25:09,045 --> 00:25:12,449
Oi soppy. Come here.
340
00:25:17,921 --> 00:25:21,356
I'd like to kill you sometimes.
Sometimes I'd really like to hurt you bad.
341
00:25:21,783 --> 00:25:24,257
What was that silly walk for?
Your guts playing you up again?
342
00:25:24,842 --> 00:25:27,932
It wasn't a silly walk. It was
body language. I've got this book on it.
343
00:25:28,209 --> 00:25:30,099
Body language? I thought you
were limping.
344
00:25:30,332 --> 00:25:31,808
I was 'talking' to them!
345
00:25:32,185 --> 00:25:34,774
Talking? You were lisping.
What was you supposed to be saying?
346
00:25:35,292 --> 00:25:39,280
The walk was saying pelvis, virility.
It was saying here
347
00:25:39,292 --> 00:25:43,292
comes a man who's got natural
masculinity and maturity!
348
00:25:46,244 --> 00:25:47,972
Well from back here it
was saying here comes
349
00:25:47,984 --> 00:25:49,724
a man who's got his
truss on back to front.
350
00:25:51,160 --> 00:25:58,042
Don't do it. Go over
again and this time, walk normal.
351
00:25:58,769 --> 00:26:01,569
I'm not going back there now,
Del. I've made myself look a right lemon.
352
00:26:01,725 --> 00:26:02,555
No you haven't.
353
00:26:02,715 --> 00:26:05,322
What after aborting me attempt
half-way? You go.
354
00:26:05,574 --> 00:26:09,206
Me? After you've made a right
lemon of yourself? No way
355
00:26:09,218 --> 00:26:12,862
bruv! I'll tell you what
we'll do, we'll act cool.
356
00:26:13,834 --> 00:26:16,599
We'll stroll casually
over the bar and get
357
00:26:16,611 --> 00:26:19,388
ourselves a drink. Then
when they're not looking.
358
00:26:19,589 --> 00:26:20,589
Sneak out.
359
00:26:22,023 --> 00:26:29,082
No. When they're not looking we'll
ambush 'em. You wally. Come on.
360
00:26:47,503 --> 00:26:51,435
Right I've got it. No,
shut up, shut up. This
361
00:26:51,447 --> 00:26:55,390
is what we're gonna do.
You leave the club.
362
00:26:56,203 --> 00:26:57,203
Leave?
363
00:26:57,646 --> 00:27:01,927
Yeah, then give it a couple of minutes
and come back to the doorman and say
364
00:27:02,127 --> 00:27:04,448
that there's a
brand-new Rolls Royce
365
00:27:04,460 --> 00:27:06,792
Corniche obstructing
your three-wheeled van.
366
00:27:07,869 --> 00:27:08,869
Why?
367
00:27:09,206 --> 00:27:11,789
Because he'll announce over
the mike 'Would the owner
368
00:27:11,801 --> 00:27:14,395
of the brand-new Rolls Royce
Corniche kindly move it
369
00:27:14,695 --> 00:27:18,683
as it's obstructing some sap's
three-wheeled van! Then I
370
00:27:18,695 --> 00:27:22,695
will casually getup, jangling
me keys, and join you outside.
371
00:27:26,764 --> 00:27:27,843
Why?
372
00:27:28,207 --> 00:27:32,942
Well because them two birds will think that
I drive a brand-new Rolls Royce Corniche.
373
00:27:33,572 --> 00:27:39,110
Oh yeah, Yeah, but they'll also
think that I drive a three-wheeled van.
374
00:27:40,553 --> 00:27:41,553
But you do.
375
00:27:41,661 --> 00:27:44,196
I know I do, but I don't want
them knowing that, do I!
376
00:27:44,393 --> 00:27:47,070
But they won't know that will
they 'cause you'll be outside.
377
00:27:48,178 --> 00:27:49,519
- Yeah with you.
- Right.
378
00:27:51,102 --> 00:27:54,171
So that means the girls will
be in here in the warm and
379
00:27:54,183 --> 00:27:57,264
us two shrewdies'll be outside
on the pavement somewhere
380
00:27:57,465 --> 00:28:01,082
congratulating each other! And then
we'll have to pay to get back in again.
381
00:28:07,622 --> 00:28:11,361
Yeah yeah alright clever Dick!
Look, let's just play it by ear,
382
00:28:11,373 --> 00:28:15,124
shall we. We'll go over there
and engage 'em in conversation.
383
00:28:20,644 --> 00:28:21,887
Oh no, hold it minute Del.
384
00:28:22,521 --> 00:28:24,718
What sort of conversation
you going to engage
385
00:28:24,730 --> 00:28:26,939
them in? I mean you always
tell lies, don't you?
386
00:28:27,306 --> 00:28:31,460
You tell 'em we've got flash cars and we're
film producers and we got a private jet!
387
00:28:32,275 --> 00:28:34,212
Everyone exaggerates now then
Rodney.
388
00:28:34,430 --> 00:28:37,588
But I don't know what to say.
I get embarrassed! Let's just
389
00:28:37,600 --> 00:28:40,769
tell 'em the truth. Tell 'em
about our likes and what we do.
390
00:28:43,289 --> 00:28:45,373
I just want to
sit down. You can do the talking.
391
00:28:48,673 --> 00:28:51,871
- God Almighty.
- What shall I say to them?
392
00:28:54,477 --> 00:28:58,667
Tell 'em you went down the auction
last Friday and bought a 1962 A.40
393
00:28:59,557 --> 00:29:01,557
that you sold thirty Christmas
trees in the market
394
00:29:01,669 --> 00:29:05,728
and knocked out two gross of fire salvaged
Rubik cubes in Croydon shopping precinct.
395
00:29:06,053 --> 00:29:08,375
Tantalize 'em Rodney,
tantalize 'em.
396
00:29:09,496 --> 00:29:10,696
You don't think it'll bore 'em?
397
00:29:10,720 --> 00:29:14,124
No. They wouldn't have had so
much fun since their last exorcism!
398
00:29:14,967 --> 00:29:17,590
We can talk about Christmas!
399
00:29:17,602 --> 00:29:20,237
Yeah, tell 'em about them giblets.
Let's go.
400
00:29:21,963 --> 00:29:24,595
No Del, hold it.
401
00:29:24,607 --> 00:29:27,250
I'll kick you in the shins
in a minute. Now what?
402
00:29:27,585 --> 00:29:29,223
Which one d'you fancy?
403
00:29:29,866 --> 00:29:34,997
Not yours, Look,
they're both very nice. I ain't particular.
404
00:29:35,632 --> 00:29:38,475
- No, I'm not particular neither.
- Good! I'll have the blonde one then.
405
00:29:38,685 --> 00:29:39,923
I fancied the blonde one!
406
00:29:40,139 --> 00:29:44,127
Gordon Bennett!! The darkhaired
one's very nice. And
407
00:29:44,139 --> 00:29:48,139
if I'm not mistaken I've
seen her two or three times
408
00:29:48,590 --> 00:29:52,478
coming out of Guy's hospital. Now either
she's a very sick girl or she's a nurse.
409
00:29:52,786 --> 00:29:56,886
Now you like a nice nurse, don't you,
particularly in uniform, eh?
410
00:29:58,783 --> 00:30:02,169
Take it or leave it. Anyway
she's not wearing her uniform, is she?
411
00:30:03,912 --> 00:30:06,101
Well of course not. You
don't come to the Monte
412
00:30:06,113 --> 00:30:08,314
Carlo club dressed up as
Sister George do you.
413
00:30:09,124 --> 00:30:11,725
But she might have her
uniform with her.
414
00:30:12,098 --> 00:30:15,776
Oh yeah! Stuffed in her handbag in case
she sees an accident on the way home.
415
00:30:17,340 --> 00:30:19,705
Alright, so she ain't got
her uniform with her.
416
00:30:19,937 --> 00:30:22,977
But on the other hand, she might have
something for your stomach might'n she.
417
00:30:23,516 --> 00:30:27,562
Now come along, we're gonna make our move,
and I'm doing all the talking.
418
00:30:27,950 --> 00:30:30,870
So if you should hear
things like Lamborghini,
419
00:30:30,882 --> 00:30:33,814
Malibu Beach or Lady
Diana, don't get nervous.
420
00:30:34,526 --> 00:30:35,526
Alright then.
421
00:30:45,173 --> 00:30:47,913
You dozy little twonk, Rodney.
422
00:30:48,101 --> 00:30:50,250
Me? Don't blame me Del, it's
your fault.
423
00:30:50,554 --> 00:30:54,141
Five minutes ago I was ready to make my
move, but you kept calling me back.
424
00:30:54,471 --> 00:30:57,626
An hour ago I was half-way
across that floor and you called me back.
425
00:30:57,872 --> 00:31:02,295
That's 'cause you was doing a silly walk.
And anyway your timing was all wrong.
426
00:31:02,788 --> 00:31:04,576
The birds had hardly
sat down and you were
427
00:31:04,588 --> 00:31:06,388
steaming across that floor
like Ivor the Engine.
428
00:31:07,815 --> 00:31:13,296
It's no good just crashing in with a smile
and a prayer. A woman needs time, Rodney.
429
00:31:13,902 --> 00:31:15,841
Them tactics have never failed
me in the past.
430
00:31:16,046 --> 00:31:18,524
Well they wouldn't with
them Ovaltinies you
431
00:31:18,536 --> 00:31:21,025
chat up. I've heard your
line of patter my son.
432
00:31:21,410 --> 00:31:23,198
If they don't know Adam
Ant's birthday or the
433
00:31:23,210 --> 00:31:25,010
Chelsea result, it's
goodnight Vienna, innit?
434
00:31:26,177 --> 00:31:30,331
With me, it's different. I take a woman's
feelings into consideration.
435
00:31:31,107 --> 00:31:35,095
I do. When a woman goes
out with me she is
436
00:31:35,107 --> 00:31:39,107
guaranteed three things
- well four actually,
437
00:31:39,351 --> 00:31:43,521
but the fourth's an optional extra.
She's guaranteed a well dressed man.
438
00:31:46,457 --> 00:31:49,736
She is guaranteed a steak meal.
And she is
439
00:31:49,748 --> 00:31:53,038
guaranteed care and consideration.
Oh yes she is.
440
00:31:54,473 --> 00:31:57,596
I take a woman's feelings
into consideration. It's
441
00:31:57,608 --> 00:32:00,742
so easy to hurt her deeply
with a thoughtless word,
442
00:32:01,977 --> 00:32:06,846
a badly timed gesture.
No, I care about women's feelings.
443
00:32:07,565 --> 00:32:10,738
There's too much pain in this world Rodney
without me causing more!
444
00:32:21,745 --> 00:32:23,478
Excuse me, Ladies.
445
00:32:23,704 --> 00:32:25,920
It's getting rather late
and my brother and I were
446
00:32:25,932 --> 00:32:28,159
wondering if you were
thinking of going home yet?
447
00:32:28,770 --> 00:32:31,064
Oh yes, we were just going to
get our coats.
448
00:32:31,349 --> 00:32:33,596
Oh good, we can have your
chairs then, can't we?
449
00:32:36,536 --> 00:32:38,941
Come on Rodney. Excuse me love.
39966
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