All language subtitles for Only Fools and Horses S01E06 - The Russians Are Coming

- Well, this is it.
- This is what?

This is what I bought this
morning.

- What?
- This.

The land?

No you plonker. This pile of bricks,
only cost me 100 nicker, nice one, eh?

Oh shrewd move Del,
yeah, I mean people are

panic-buying bricks
nowadays ain't they...

Who the hell's gonna buy a
pile of old bricks off us?

Well, butcher or chemist.
Who d'you think's

going to buy the bricks,
builders ain't they.

Over 200 per cent profit
here and all in the readies.

Come here... They've just
demolished a factory here

that used to make prefabricated
structures, right.

Chalets, bungalows, greenhouses, you know,
garden sheds, that sort of thing.

So I thought - using my noddle - that
we'd make enough out of the bricks alone,

but you never know what's
underneath do you, eh?

Decent lengths of timber,
bits of metal, you know,

few gross of them roofing tiles.
Come and see what I found.

Get yer feelers on that.

Here, that's lead Del, that's
pure lead.

There's about another 30 boxes underneath.
I estimate three ton altogether.

Three ton? What's that at today's prices?
That's that's about 1000 pounds innit?

Am I brilliant or am I brilliant?
Let's get some of

it in the van, we can do it
in three shifts, come on.

- Is it ours Del?
- Of course it's ours.

Legally Del?

Don't split hairs with me Rodney.
Come on.

Oh that's the lot Del Boy.

No, no, no, no, Grandad not there.
No, no, we've got three tons of it here.

You see you've got to spread
it out over a wide area,

otherwise we'll be having tea
with Mrs Obooko downstairs!

Right, I hope this humping and sweating
is not disturbing you Royal Highness!

No, no, don't you mind me,
carry on.

Oh thanks a... Here, look
at this Grandad, you've

been carrying this one upside
down, this is the way.

You are a lazy little bark.

And what's that you're reading, eh?
It's another dirty book I suppose, is it?

Honestly you've got a mind
like a brown paper envelope.

I'll have a look at that
when you're finished.

It's some paperwork I found in one of them
boxes... D'you know what we've got here?

Yeah, I know what we've got here.
We've got three

ton of lovely lead, that's
what we've got here.

No, no, it's more than that...
That factory

was producing prefabricated
structures right?

Bungalows, garden sheds,
that sort of stuff.

Well, this is one of their
experimental lines -

it's a do-it-yourself
nuclear fall-out shelter!

Nuclear fall-out shelter, you
are a wally.

No, it is. Honest. Look,
here's the brochure.

Here's the plans shows
you how to build it.

He's right an' all. This
is a nuclear fall-out

shelter. This is probably
worth more than we thought.

You can't sell it.

You don't want to put
money on it do you?

What do you suggest we do with it?
Build it?

- Yeah!
- Leave it out Rodney!

Do you realise how close
we came to World War

Three over Cuba, Vietnam,
Afghanistan and Poland?

I mean, it only takes one
little rumble in the

middle East then missiles
are gonna start flying!

And what have we got, eh, in this country
to combat the might of the Soviet Union?

Three jump-jets and a strongly worded
letter to the Russian Ambassador!

No, no, no, you don't know what we've got
up our sleeves, us Brits Rodney.

Do you know Rodney that
we've got a device that can

track the movements of any
Russian nuclear submarine?

They can't keep track on ours.

- We've only got one.
- Have we?

Yeah I think so.

Well anyway, they don't know where it is...
I sometimes wonder whether we do!

I bet your life we don't. You see this
country is just not prepared for war,

I mean, nobody knows what we're
supposed to do in the event.

Yes, of course we do.

Alright then, what would you
do if you heard the four minute warning?

Well, what's it sound like the
first?

Well, that's it, no one knows.
Maybe they're gonna ring church bells,

or bang tom-toms or send every ice-cream
van out in the country to play its jingle.

Your guess is as good as mine innit?
Do you realise

the great powers have
got underground salvos

primed with enough nuclear
weapons to destroy this planet

30 times over. I'm talking
about neutron bombs, Del,

multi-warheads - chemicals that
attack your central nervous

system, and leave you writhing
in agony like a worm in bleach.

Bit like after a curry you mean?
No, no, it's

alright Rodney, don't
worry, forget about it.

Look we've got 1000 pounds here.
Just think what we

could o with 1000 pounds.
Eat, drink and be merry...

For tomorrow we die!! Oh come
on Del, this is a Godsend.

Look if we build this thing
we're gonna be safe, ain't we.

Everything's here, the inner
walls, the outer walls,

the air tube, the filter
system, everything!!

Oh come on Del. Oh sorry.

Alright soppy, just suppose, just suppose,
that we do build this thing, right.

Where we gonna put it?

Well, you always fancied
a little weekend place.

Why don't we find a
spot in the New Forest?

And how are we gonna get
from Peckham to the

New Forest in four
minutes, you old div?

Grandad's allotment? That's
only a couple of miles

up the road, we could do
that in four minutes.

Yeah, on a Sunday, with a
following wind, maybe.

Well let's give it a go, eh?
We'll have a dummy

run and time ourselves.
I'll get the stopwatch.

What - what you, look, I
mean, what's the point eh?

Alright, so say you can
do it in four minutes,

what is it going to prove. Knowing
them Russian rats they'll

probably declare war in the
middle of the rush hour.

- Where's grandad?
- I don't know.

Grandad, come on, hurry up you
stupid old git.

Never mind your fag, get in.
Three minutes and counting.

Yes, alright Rodney.

The missiles are just going
over Sweden!

They're bloody fast aren't they, they
only left Siberia 20 seconds ago.

Two minutes 15 seconds and counting Del.
The missiles

are over the sea and
approaching Middlesbrough.

Yes, yes, alright Rodney.

Put yer foot down Del Boy!

I can't Grandad.
Look, I'm going to the main road, ain't I?

What's it like your side Rodney?

Alright after this red one.

No!!

- Bloody hell...
- I meant that red one!

You tit Rodney.

Come on Del, they're
just going over Luton.

Sod Luton.

One minute 35 and counting.

Oh Gordon Bennett.

Switch the... Wayne... the
siren ...switch it off!

He's young, enthusiastic...
Well, how are you then Del Boy?

Not too bad Eric.
How's yourself?

Can't complain... How
are you then Grandad?

Alright Eric boy.

Now what's all that about? 60
miles an hour in a built-up

area. You just herd the four-minute
warning or something...

Well as it happens, Eric...

- Where's yer tax disc? Fell off did it?
- In the post.

Well, why haven't you got a little sign
on your windscreen saying 'Tax in Post'?

We did have - it fell off.

You been at those funny
fags again, Rodney?

No I haven't.

Good, 'cos Wayne here's
looking for his first nick...

Talking of that Del Boy, you
might be able to help me.

I'm on the look-out
for some stolen

summer-wear, short-sleeved
shirts and blouses,

men's and women's slacks,
swimming trunks, bikinis.

You after promotion Eric?

No, me and me wife are off to Corfu next
month, gotta look the part ain't yer?

Well if I hear of anything
I'll let you know.

Good luck. I'll see you around. And
oi, take it easy will you...

Stop playing with that siren
will you Wayne, you'll end up breaking it!

- Here, how are we doing for time?
- We died 45 seconds ago.

Terrific. We're never gonna do
this run in four minutes.

Oh, it don't matter, it's not
the end of the world is it.

I thought that's exactly what
it was.

All we got to think about is a
place closer to home.

I've been thinking.

Oh my God, you haven't got an
aspirin you can give him have you Rodney?

No listen. I may have found us
just the spot.

Is that door shut tight Del?

Yes, don't worry Rodney, no radiation can
get in here! Here, what's this pipe!

Oi, don't do that Del, it's fragile.
Del, Del, don't

do it. Del, this is our
air-filter, our life line,

our umbilical cord and one
thing you must never do

with an umbilical cord is
bash it about with a hammer!

I see, so this is our
only source of oxygen is

it, eh? What happens if a
pigeon decides to nest

in the other end, we're all dead I suppose,
are we?

Statistics prove that pigeons
rarely nest in the middle of nuclear wars!

- We're not in the middle of a nuclear war.
- We're practicing for one!

Yeah, well, do the bloody
pigeons know that?

Look, a pigeon will not nest
in our air tube... Have faith in me please.

How can you have faith in him, eh, Del Boy?

I brings me telly in here then he finds out
the signals can't get through the lead!

I've said I'm sorry ain't I Grandad.
There's

some pages missing out
of this brochure,

and you can't expect me to
know everything can yer?

Anyway, that's why we're
having this weekend's practice

so we can iron out
all the little wrinkles.

Yeah, well I'll tell you one thing
we've got to iron out.

And that is this has got to
be back on that building site

first thing Monday morning
otherwise them Paddies'll go mad.

You, you are a wally, you
really are!

You don't have to stay here Del!

I do have to stay and I'll tell
you why I have to stay here.

I've got a grand's worth of
lead tied up in this shelter

and I'm not gonna leave it in your hands.
Knowing you two, you'd probably lose it!

Just think what I could do with a
grand, eh? Fly to America on Concorde.

I could buy myself one
of them flash Rolex

watches. Have me adenoids
taken out privately.

Yeah, but how many people
can boast they have

their own private nuclear
fall-out shelter?

Yes, that's true, knowing your
bloody luck there won't even

be a bloody war... Here that's
what we ought to do you know,

we ought to drop a bomb on all them Russian
cities, you see and declare war on them.

And what we say is that the declaration
for war got held up in the post

due to a communist-inspired strike at
a sorting office.

Yeah, that's typical of a
ruthless little mercenary like you innit?

What d'you mean ruthless mercenary?
I'm not a ruthless

mercenary. Who is it goes
round at every Christmas

making sure all the old people
have got enough to eat and drink?

Yeah, and who is it, during
the Brixton riots, drove

down in the van selling
paving stones to the rioters?

I mean, what did you think
they were going to do with

them? All run off home and
start building patios.

Mine is not to reason why,
mine is but to sell and buy! No, anyway.

Anyway I know a lot of
them youngsters down

in Brixton and their
trouble and frustration.

Yes, you see, modern society has
denied them their birthright of a war!

Oh I don't believe you! You
saying war's our birthright?

Oh yes, yes it is. For century
after century you see every

generation of British youth has
been guaranteed a decent war!

Well that's sort of, you
know, raw, 'Over the top

chaps, you know, try that
one on for size Fritz'

I mean that sort of courage is obsolete.
Because the

next war's gonna be fought
by computer programmers...

See, that's what's frustrating
the modern youth! You can

see them any day down the
amusement arcade, you know,

they're doing their national
service on the space invaders.

Yeah but that sort of, of real
war that I'm talking about,

you know Errol Flynn leading
the gallant 600 into the

Valley of Death. John Mills
marooned in a dinghy,

it's Kenneth More refusing
to let a little thing

like no legs get him down.
It's a glorious war that!

- Don't talk like a berk Del!
- Do what?

What do you know about it anyway? The only
war you've ever fought is the inch war!

Ah no, I've seen all the films
ain't I.

Ah tomato sauce and stuntmen...
I'm talking about the

real thing. I remember
when I was a little nipper

and I saw the soldiers
marching off to battle.

Oh yes, it was a
glorious sight alright!

Yeah I bet all them spears and chariots
must have stirred the blood mustn't they?

- Just hear him out will you!
- Alright, alright.

My brother George was
at Passchendale. Nigh

on half a million Allied
troops died there,

all for five miles of mud! I
was at King's Cross station

when his regiment came
home after the armistice.

Most of them was carried off the train.
I saw men with limbs

missing, blind men - men who
couldn't breathe properly

'cos their lungs had been shot to bits by
mustard gas! While the nation celebrated

they was hidden away in big grey buildings,
far from the public gaze.

I mean, courage like that could put you
right off your victory dinner couldn't it?

They promised us homes fit for
heroes, they give us heroes fit for homes!

I'd never wear a British
uniform - on principle!

What principle?

Well on the principle that the
Russians might shoot at it!

The politicians, and the
military men used to con

you see. They had little
lads, youngsters believing

that their country really
did need them! D'you

know, they used to
have little lads of 14

pretending they was 18 just so they
could fight for their king and country!

What, and they accepted the
little sprogs?

More often than not... My brother
George lied about his age!

Pretended he was 18?

No, he was 18, he pretended he was 14,

they saw through it though.
I think it was the moustache.

- Oh yeah 'cos 14-year-olds they don't...
- Bloody hell...

Oi, oi, what are you doing?

I think there's a pigeon
trying to nest in our air

tube. Think I've frightened
it away, now don't worry!

The battery's
getting a bit low an' all.

Here, these batteries you've
got here. How long do they last?

About 12 hours each!

12 hours? Cor, we been 'ere
12 hours, only another

36 to go. Don't time fly
when you're having fun...

Here, here Oppenheimer, listen
if the bomb was to drop round

here, how long would we have to
stay inside this thing here?

Well, it depends upon the
degree of the contamination in

the air outside. 'Cos we're
very vulnerable position here

being close to the dock.
But I would say roughly -

give or take a week or two - about...
two years!

- Two years?
- Yeah, give or take a week or two!

If you think I'm staying in a
lead-lined nissan hut with you and

Grandad and a chemical khazi
you've got another think coming.

Yeah, but if we leave the shelter within
two years we'd die of radiation poisoning!

And if we stay inside the shelter for two
years we'll die of bloody lead poisoning.

He's right Rodney. The
rescue team will whip us

straight round the nearest
scrap metal yard!

Yeah, that's another point,
that's a point. Listen, oi!

These batteries are supposed
to purify the air right,

they last 12 hours, right?
Okay how many of them are we gonna need?

Come on Einstein, you're the
one with the GCE in Maths!

Well, it's two a day, seven
days a week two sevens are 14.

See that Grandad - two sevens
are 14. Just like that, no hesitation.

Shut up will yer! So that's 14
times 52...

Twice!

I know! So that works
out at about 1450-odd.

Well, that's not too bad, I
thought we were gonna need a

lot! What we're gonna need is
1450-odd heavy duty batteries,

about five ton of canned food,
30,000 gallons of fresh drinking water,

and a three and 'arf acre warehouse
to store it all in!

Well I did say we'd have to
iron out a few little wrinkles, didn't I?

Few little wrinkles? A few little wrinkles?
We've got more

wrinkles than a elephant's
got in his bleedin' trunk!

All in all, and taking every
thing in consideration Rodney, I

think I would rather be outside
and go instantly with the bomb!

Instantly eh? And what makes
you so sure it'd ne instant

eh Del? Them bombs contain
Strontium 90 not Nescafe!

You see the bomb explodes
bout a mile above the

city right, causing a
radioactive rain to fall.

Now this radiation then
penetrates the pores of

the skin causing violent
sores and diseases.

Um, best not to wear anything
decent then eh?

Will you be serious for one minute.
Look, it's

here once the radiation
is in the blood stream

it begins to attack your metabolism.
You'll become subject

to drastic biological changes,
that's metamorphosis!

Yeah anyway, your shape and form will alter
radically as the mutation takes effect!

Don't sound too promising
do it Del Boy, I mean you

have a job to get a suit
off the peg now don't yer!

Alright, alright, you can
laugh, but I'm telling you,

this city would be inhabited
by roaming mobs of mutants!

Vacant eyed sub-humans dragging
their knuckles through

the litter and debris that
was once civilization.

Sounds a bit like Stamford Bridge after a
bad result... Look if this is true Rodney

what the hell are we doing
trying to survive?

Well, it's our duty ain't
it, I mean when we

step out of here we're
gonna be intact, perfect.

Yeah, well I mean you know,
the human race will be

looking to people like us
to replenish the species,

we'll be like two new Adams going
forth to multiply.

Yeah! And you, you dirty
little ram, will be out

there multiplying quicker
than a pocket calculator!

I see it all now, he's
practically praying for the

end of civilization just
so he can get out there

and put it about a bit! What time do you
make it Rodney?

Ten past 12.

Oh yeah, I make it that too. C'mon
then Grandad it's bedtime, come on.

Well, as the saying goes, if my species
needs me I will not be found wanting.

Yeah, anyway that's one thing
to look forward to innit Grandad, eh?

You know, come the end of
the war me and Rodney are

gonna make a foursome
with a couple of mutants!

I'll have one with three
lug 'oles and the eye

underneath her arm, 'cos I
don't fancy yours much!

It won't be like that!!!

You bet your sweet bippy it won't! It
won't make any difference to you anyway,

you go out with mutants in peacetime!
I mean

look at that thing you
took out on Thursday!

Cor, stroll on, I was
so embarrassed I had to

tell my mates you were
taking it to market!

I did try and warn you it was
a bit ragged!

Bit ragged! You liar! You said
to me it looked like the one out of Abba!

Yes, I meant the one with the
beard, anyway we won't be

the only ones to survive the
holocaust intact, will we?

I mean I'm thinking of
the various institutions

- public schools,
that sort of thing.

I mean you bet your life
Rodney's got a shelter.

Eh Del? A thousand nubile girls -
in a shelter... in school uniform!

You sicko!

No, no, don't misunderstand me.
I mean the

school uniforms are of no
importance whatsoever.

I don't know why I mentioned
them.

No, no, it's probably
because you're a twisted

perverted corrupted,
warped little pervo!

Well, yeah, that might have something to
do with it! It's in the line of duty Del!

They're perfect specimens.
They're intelligent.

Course they're intelligent,
they're still at bloody school ain't they?

They're fit - all that hockey!
You might fancy the headmistress!

Oh thank you very much.

Well, I think it's definitely
worth bearing in mind. In an emergency.

- Yeah alright, well, goodnight Rodney.
- Goodnight Del.

- Night Grandad.
- Goodnight Rodney.

- Night John Boy.
- Shut up.

- War is hell!!
- What?

- War is hell! Alan Ladd said that.
- Did he really? Go to sleep.

- Or was it Audie Murphy?
- I dunno, I'm tired.

It must have been one of 'em!

Well perhaps they both bloody
said it! Now go to sleep will you.

No, that was Rock Hudson!

For crying out loud, will
you two go to sleep.

Rodney... Here Rodney don't keep yer
eyes closed - I'm talking to you!

What?

I've just been thinking. Might not be a bad
idea to survive the next war after all!

Why? You got something up yer
sleeve Del?

No, no, just a little
idea that's been running

round in me old brain
box, that's all.

What's the point? All the
animals will be dead. Won't be

able to grow nothing 'cos all
the earth'll be contaminated!

Where we gonna get something
to eat?

Bound to be little Paki
shop open somewhere! But

we won't be the only
ones to survive will we?

I was just thinking about all them
girls down at that Roedean School.

No, no, no, no, nothing like
that, nothing like that. I was

just thinking you see, most
of those girls down there,

they are daughters of the noblesses!

The what Del?

The noblesse, the noblesses.
It's French for nobility ain't it eh?

Oh sorry - I was miles off.

Well you see, down there
you don't know who's who,

do you? I mean you could
meet a scruffy 17-year-old

in a sweaty hockey shirt
and muddy plimsoles,

and you could be talking
to the 459th in line

for the throne! But after the
old Russians have dropped

20 thousand nuclear bombs on
us that scruffy 17-year-old

could turn out to be the
first in line for the

throne. So, you see,
if I got on my bike,

nip down there a bit sharpish
like, did me Adams act -

splash of Brut, you know, took
her out for a steak meal -

loads of charm - I could end up being the
King! On the other hand a bit of mutation,

a touch of Strontium 90,
I could end up being

the Queen. But either
way, either way,

see it wouldn't matter
because the taxman

wouldn't be able to get
at me, would he, eh?

Because I would be the head of State.
And what

with you out there multiplying
all over the place,

I shouldn't be short of a few subjects,
should I, eh?

We, we could go for our
holidays in Mustique.

- What? What?
- Grandad could be the Queen Mother!

Yeah, we'll dye his hat pink...
yeah, yeah. No even if that

didn't happen and I can't
honestly see how I could fail.

You see if the entire civilization was
wiped out we'd all be equal wouldn't we,

'cos none of us would have
nothing, right.

- Right!
- Except us Rodney!

Well what would we have Del?

A grands worth of lead eh...
pretty shrewd, eh Rodney?

Yeah, that's a real mindbender
Del, that!

No, no, we'll be alright.
We'll survive Rodney,

d'you know why? Because
we're survivors that's why.

When did the alarm bells start
ringing and the missiles

start firing, and all the
people are rushing about

like mad mice trying to find
somewhere to hide, we'll

be tucked up in our own
little nuclear shelter.

The end of the world could
be just the break we're

looking for! Oh we're
pretty shrewd Rodney.

If they started dropping
the bomb on us right now

we'd be as safe as houses
brother, safe as houses!