All language subtitles for Only Fools and Horses S01E03 - Cash and Curry

Ah, you made it Rodders, good!
Well done my son.

You've got a bloody nerve
you have Del, phoning me up

at home and demanding I come
down here and pick you up!

What could I do Rodney? What -
what could I - listen, look

I've got the Vauxhall
Velox outside haven't I,

eh, and I've had a few,
you know what I mean,

a few drinky poos and
I thought to myself, what,

I could get a little old mini-cab and
then I thought to myself no, no, no,

what is more impressive

is more impressive is if you get your
driver to come round

and drive you home in your
Vauxhall Volox - Vauxhall Velox!

What do you mean impressive,
eh? Who are you trying to impress?

A contact Rodney! Contact.
New man in the area -

stone rich, looking for
'business opportunities'.

We could earn out of this Rodders
my little brother!

Del, what you failed to realise is when you
phoned I was in the flat with a friend!

- Well why didn't you bring him with you?
- It wasn't a he!

Well, what is it then? Have you
been up to naughties Rodney?

No. I just had a feeling something
was going to develop!

Develop! You've been playing
with my Polaroid again haven't you, eh?

No!

- I'll just collect my coat Derek!
- Alright. No rush Vammil me old mucker!

Who?

Vimmal... Vimmal Malik...
my contact! Say no more!

So he said 'She can't come now
'cos she's weighing the postman.'

'ere, d'you fancy a nightcap Vimmal?
I know a

nice little pub that
does late tasting, eh.

Thought you'd given me the slip
did you Vimmal?

Why don't you go away and leave
me alone!

I have no quarrel with
you my friend. It's

this pig's behind Malik
that I wish to see!

- Friend of yours is he Vimmal?
- He's no ones friend.

Listen John, I don't
know what this barney's

all about and I
don't want to know!

So why don't you chaps
get out of the way

before someone gets a
smack in the ear! Right!

Please, do not threaten me
with violence my friend.

My colleague here is a
second Dan in karate!

And I'm a black belt in
origami, now get out of my way!

Watch him Del, watch his kari tari, mate.

I'll watch your bloody kari tari in a
minute Rodney, just shut up will you!

Police!

Rodney! You and Vimmal
in the car quickly!

Right, let's go!

Well it's been very pleasant meeting you
both. Have a nice evening won't you.

My friend! It's not good to
part in such circumstances. Could we talk?

I've done all the talking I
wanted to. Goodnight each.

Rodney! I didn't mean drive
off! What a plonker!

Well, on second thoughts I
quite fancy a nice little

chat! Perhaps you could
drop me off home after?

Oh, oh dear, come on
me old mate, come on.

No, you'll be alright.
Here, what happened?

Ah John, that is twice, right?

I think your brother has now
arrived Mr Trotter.

Ah, yeah, could you excuse me a
minute Mr Ram. Excuse me. Rodney!

Del - are you alright son?
I thought you was in bother!

Oh, that's why it's taken
you an hour an' half to get

here is it? Didn't Grandad
tell you that I phoned?

Oh yeah, he told me! 'Del Boy's
been captured by the Indians' he said.

I didn't know whether to
phone the police of the Texas Rangers!

If you were so worried at your brother,
you know, you were so worried about me,

how come it's taken you till twenty to
one in the morning to come to me rescue?

Because your telephone message
lacked something in clarity, didn't it?

You didn't tell
Grandad which Indian restaurant you was in!

I've been crashing through the doors
of every curry house and take-away

from Battersea Bridge to Colliers
Wood tube station!

I can now leap out of the Vauxhall Velox,
Dukes of Hazzard fashion,

make a chapati and say get stuffed in Urdu!

- I forgive you, Rodney.
- Oh that's nice.

- Alright then.
- So there's gonna be trouble is there?

- No, no, put that spoon down.
- Thank God for that!

Right, come on. Rodney I would like you
to meet Mr Ram, he owns this restaurant.

Of course you know Oddjob
don't you!

Well - nice restaurant you've
got here, Mr Ram... Very... er... Very...

- Indian.
- Yeah, Indian!

- Thank you.
- Sit down, sit down.

I was just telling your brother
how well I've done since I came to Britain.

I now own 18 of these restaurants all
together. I also own a lot of land.

Yeah, yeah, Oddjob's got a
couple of acres and all hasn't he?

I am telling you now if I got into my
car at nine o' clock in the morning,

it would take me up till two in the
afternoon to drive around my land.

Yeah, we had a car like that
once eh?

- What?
- Don't matter.

So Mr Ram you and this,
Vimmal, you've been

having a bit of an up and
downer then have you?

Don't mention that name at
this table. It will sour the food.

What's it all about then?

I'll tell you what it's
all about Mr Trotter.

It's about truth - it's
about righteousness,

but above all it's about justice!
Vimmal that pig's

behind, has something
that's rightfully mine!

You see our families have been engaged
in a vendetta for many, many years.

It goes right back to
the days of the Old Empire.

He means the British Empire
not the Kilburn!

I know that! I know that -
pray continue.

Now my family fought against the British
whereas the Maliks family supported them!

When the conquest of Mother India was
finally complete the British Raj

decided to reward the Maliks' loyalty
by giving them my family's land!

What, you mean they just took
it off your family?

That's correct. They destroyed
the home, they plundered

the family's temple and
then they sold the land.

The Maliks have
built a business empire with the proceeds.

Here, couldn't you write to
That's Life?

- That's Life!
- Yeah.

But this happened a century ago Mr Trotter!
If Lord Krishna himself couldn't help us

I really don't think Esther
Rantzen would stand much chance!

No, no, that was just a thought.
Oh - get off!

Vimmal Malik has in his
possession the one,

single item that remains
of my birthright.

It's a simple porcelain
statuette of Kuvera. You know of Kuvera?

- Oh yeah.
- You don't know who Kuvera is!

- Yes I do!
- Alright tell us!

- What?
- Who is he?

- Who?
- Kuvera!

Em... Well er... He was, alright
I don't know!

There you are, see what I mean Mr Ram?
He's got two 'O'

Levels and he thinks he's
Bamber Cascoigne's vest!

Alright Mastermind, who is he then?

Kuvera was one of India's
premier wicket-keepers.

You berk!

Kuvera is the Hindu god of
wealth, from the second

aspect of the Trimurti
- the Hindu Trinity!

Oh yeah, oh that Kuvera? Oh yeah,
gotcha now, there was two of them see.

In worldly terms the statuette
is off little value, but

in religious and sentimental
terms it's precious to me...

and I want it back, it's mine
by right! I'm a rich man Mr Trotter,

I shouldn't have to stoop to the kind of
intimidation you witnessed tonight.

I'm prepared to buy it back from Vimmal
Malik. I would pay four thousand pounds!

Four - four - four thousand pounds.
Well, why

don't you just go and
make him an offer?

Oh it's impossible! It's this
wretched cast-system you see.

He belongs to the high ceste
and I belong to the low caste.

Oh no, don't put yourself down.

We cannot meet, talk or
communicate in any manner! So

you see my friends I am up a
gum-tree without a paddle!

It seems to me Mr Ram what you
need is a mutual friend, you know.

Someone who can talk to the both of you,
you know act as a sort of go-between!

Perhaps you and your brother!

What us? I suppose we could, I mean,
cor, why didn't we think of that Rodney?

I think one of us already did
Del!

If you help me to reclaim the statuette,
I don't know how I'd ever reward you!

Well I've always fancied one of those video
recorders. But no, no, pas de Basque.

Pas de Basque. We'll go and see this
Mr Vimmal tomorrow. Um, four grand, right?

Right. Oh, but I must make one thing quite
clear. I don't trust this man Malik,

you see
he comes from a long line of swindlers!

I won't part with a single penny until I
have the statuette safely in my hands!

Don't you worry, don't worry
Mr Ram, me and Vimmal we're like that!

Good job that we didn't call
the police tonight.

Oh, what happened?

I'm surprised at you Derek,
and you also Rodney!

How could you share
a meal with that...

...with that gutter dog?
I thought you were my friends?

We are your friends Vimmal me old mucker!
Just trust me will you, trust me!

You see this Mr Ram - the gutter dog -
told us about the little misunderstanding

that your two families have been
having for the last 100 years or so!

He also mentioned something about the
statue of some god or another.

Of Kuvera, the god of wealth!

Ah, that's him - that's the
boy! Yeah well, yeah, well you know.

Well without beating about the bush,

I mean to cut a long story short,

well not to put too fine a point on it...

He wants to buy it off you!

Buy it from me! He must
have gone mad or he's

been eating too many
of his own curries!

Buy it from me indeed! I wouldn't sell it
to him if he offered me a million pounds!

How much did he offer? Purely
out of curiosity you understand.

- Er, two grand!
- Two grand! I thought Mr Ram said...

Yeah, a grand, that is right
Rodney but I persuaded him to double it!

Two grand! No, no, no, I cannot
sell it to him.

Two grand Vimmal me old mucker. You know
it's not to be sneezed at, is it, eh?

I will not deny that
I'm tempted Derek. I

thought of selling the
statuette once before.

The most I was offered
was a hundred and fifty pounds!

Now look Vimmal, you see,
I get the impression

that you're not quite as
rich and successful...

as you told me you were
last night at the chamber of trade bash.

I mean, take a look at this place,
it's hardly the Ritz is it, eh?

More like the Nits!

I will admit I have
suffered some misfortunes

in my business dealings of late.

So two grand on the hip would
come in dead handy, eh?

Two grand would come in handy
as you say!

But I cannot communicate with him, I'm of a
high caste, he's a low caste!

But you don't have to communicate
with him Vimmal me old mucker.

That's where me and Rodders come in.
You see we're acting as the go-betweens!

Even so I cannot accept this offer. You
see it would be like betraying my family.

The statuette was left
to me by my father! You

wouldn't understand what
that means would you?

- Oh yes, yes we would, wouldn't we Rodney?
- Would we Del?

Our - late mother - well
she's dead now - she left us

this family heirloom. It
was this Victorian globe.

It meant the world to us.

As he said it meant the world to us.
Yeah but there

came the time when we
fell upon stony ground.

- We fell upon stony ground did we?
- Yes, we fell upon stony ground.

And the only thing we
had of any value was -

was this Victorian globe
which we cherished!

You sold it?

Well, no, I raffled it
down the betting shop!

But, of course, you understand
the sense of loss?

Well not really, no, because by some stroke
of fortune Del had the winning ticket!

- I think it was God... or something!
- You think I should sell it to him Derek?

Yes, of course I do Vimmal
me old mucker. I mean,

it's just an ancient piece
of old religious pottery!

And with two grand wisely invested.
I mean in a

couple of years you could
replace it with...

...who knows what, a Capo Del Monte!

And personally, anyway, I'm not
- I'm sorry I've got

to tell you this but I think
that statue is cursed!

- Cursed?
- Oh leave it out Del!

Do not underestimate the powers
of darkness Rodney.

I mean for a god of wealth he ain't done
Vimmal no favours has he, eh?

I'm not a superstitious man Derek but
I'm a business man and a realist...

I have decided
to accept his offer!

Well, you know it makes sense Vimmal!

- Now just what's your...

- Do excuse me, won't you.
- Oh certainly, yes.

Now just what is your game Del?
Ram offered

four grand, how come
you're only offering two?

Slip of the tongue, Rodney.

Oh so when he comes back you
won't mind me telling him the truth?

No, don't you do that or otherwise
he'll think I'm trying to con him.

- You are trying to con him!
- No man is an island, Rodney.

I know that Del. What I'm on about is
the - what's that supposed to mean?

What it means - what
it - look the French

have a saying, Rodney.
Bouillabaisse mon ami.

Bouillabaisse mon ami? That
means fish stew, my friend!

Need I say more.

Now don't try an' fob me off
with your stupid French phrases.

You're trying to con him
out of two thousand

quid... We're going
to get lumbered, Del

How?

Alright, say Ram and Vimmal
meet and discuss the deal?

That's the beauty of it,
Ram and Vimmal cannot

meet because of the
wonderful caste system.

It's Christmas come early for us.

And anyway if it wasn't
for kind-hearted people

like you and me willing
to act as go-betweens,

Vimmal would end up with nothing.

And as it is two grand
is better than a kick

up the bot from Bobby
Charlton innit, eh?

- It's immoral.
- It's free enterprise.

- It's illegal then.
- Alright so it's against the law, and all.

But look, you and
I can earn a grand a piece out of this.

- It's fraud.
- Are you in?

Yeah, all right.

This is it is it Vimmal
my old mucker? Oh,

that is lovely that -
wonderful workmanship.

Of course I'm a Ming fan myself, you know.
Oh yeah, he

made some wonderful stuff
didn't he that Ming, yeah.

Pity he went and died hen
he did weren't it, eh?

Ming was a dynasty, Derek!

I don't care what he was
Vimmal, he made a smashing vase.

Anyway, look we'll pop
this round to Mr Ram

and bring you back your
two grand post haste

as they say in
Ancient Rome, alright?

No, no, no, Derek. This does not leave my
sight until his money is on the table.

Ah? No, no, sorry,
look you don't understand, you see.

'Cos he said that you won't
get a penny until he

has the statuette safely in his hands.
Alright.

I don't care what he said
Derek, I do not trust

the man - he comes from
a long line of cheats.

You bring me his money
first then you can take him the statue.

No but you see - you see
he said - he said bring

the statue and then - the
you can have the money.

- I don't care what he said, Derek.
- He don't care what he said, Derek.

Yes I heard what he said. I'll
leave Rodney as a deposit.

Well what else can I do?

I mean look he won't let
that go till he gets the

money and he won't have the
money till he gets that.

Oh Gordon Bennett - this is
classic this is, isn't it,

eh? It's the bacon and egg
situation all over again.

It's the chicken and egg Del.

We haven't got time
to discuss food Rodney.

Talk to him, Derek. Persuade
him to submit to my terms.

After all you have influence over him,

you have already persuaded him to double
his offer from a grand to two grand.

Yeah, well alright. Right Vim, I'll see
what I can do then shall I, yeah?

I'll get back to you. Alright. You
know you er, right, stay loose.

Okay and don't you worry Vimmal.
I mean me and

old Ram, we're like
that, we're like, yeah.

Thanks. Come on.

- What are we gonna do now?
- Just forget the whole thing Del.

What do you mean forget the whole thing.
How can we forget the whole thing?

Two grand up for grabs
and you say forget it.

No, no, there's got to
be another way round it.

There isn't. Look, Ram won't pay a penny
until he's got the statuette in his hands

and Vimmal won't let the statuette
go till he's got Ram's money.

Yeah cheers. Yeah, what he
thinks is Ram's money.

What you on about now?

Well let's say, just for
instance, that we had 2000

pounds lying around at home
doing nothing in particular.

Just mooching about.

Yeah, you know, kicking its
heels, that sort of thing.

And let's say that we - we gave
Vimmal that 2000 pounds right

and we pretend that we'd just
collected from Mr Ram.

Well Vimmal, he wouldn't know any
better, would he, eh?

So thinking that he'd won the
battle and, and as happy as a sand boy,

he'd hand over the statuette which
we would then whip round to Mr Ram

who was also thinking
that he'd won the battle,

and being equally
chuffed as a sand boy,

would hand over to us
4,000 lovely smackeroonyos.

We would get on our bike leaving them to
play sandcastles. Brilliant innit, eh?

Yeah, there's only one problem I can see
Del. How the hell do we get 2000 pounds?

You always bring little details
up don't you, eh? We get it from a bank.

- What rob it?
- Well, that's a...

No, no, no, we'll borrow it from a bank.
This is gilt-edge security innit?

Del, you can't stroll
into a bank and ask for

a loan to help you
pull off a con-trick.

Besides, we haven't got a bank
account.

Oh well there's got to be
another way of raising the money.

I mean there's just got to be.

Here, we're general traders aren't we?

Well why don't we start
trading generally.

I mean we could flog all our stock that
we've got in the garage, couldn't we?

We could sell the
deep-freeze, the Vauxhall Velox.

Three-wheeled van?

You're jesting, they'd want a
tenner to take that away.

No we could flog Grandad's telly, we
could flog - 'ere my jewellery,

that would bring in enough, I
mean it's 27 carat.

I thought it was nine carat!

That was when I was buying, now I'm
selling! We could sell that leather coat.

You're not talking about my
leather coat are you?

No, no, I'm talking about -
have you got a leather coat?

Oh we'll knock that one out
and all Rodney, yeah that's a good idea.

Come on Del, we'll never raise
two grand.

We can, Rodney... You can do anything
if you want it hard enough.

We can do it Rodney, we can do it!

- Yeah, yeah.
- Come on then.

Well, thanks a lot, it's tempus
fugit then, eh?

Where's your watch, Derek?

My watch. Oh, it's at
the menders, I broke

it last night playing
you know, volleyball.

- I thought you were right-handed!
- Me - no, no, no, no, I'm ambiguous.

Good afternoon, gentlemen.
A table for two?

- No thank you.
- No thank you?

- We'd like to see Mr Ram.
- Mr Ram?

- The owner.
- The owner?

Terrible echo in here ain't there, eh? Yeah
we'd like to speak to the owner Mr Ram!

The owner, Mr Ram?

There it goes again. What
is the matter with it.

Now listen, listen, we would like to talk
to the proprietor of this restaurant.

I am the proprietor of this
restaurant.

- No, no, he don't understand.
- What's he on about?

- We want to see the real owner, right.
- I am the real owner.

Alright, alright - listen - just wait. Just
watch my lips alright. Where is Mr Ram?

Look, I don't know any Mr
bloody Rams.

So will you please leave. You drunks
always come here causing trouble.

Trouble! We're not drunks are we?

Look, I was having a couple of meals here
quite recently, you must remember me!

I am sorry, you all look alike to me.

Alike, what's he talking about we all
look alike. What's the matter with him?

He don't... no... he's making it up.
Look! Look, look my brother, right?

That's me.

Was in here dining with a couple
of Indian gentlemen. Right?

One was sort of large -
large and aggressive.

Right? Big, and the other one - smaller.
How small?

Well he's smaller than that
weren't he - get down there.

About that big and more
business-like and he had a beard - beard!

He had a beard about that big.

- Oh, that Mr Ram!
- Yes.

- I know who you are talking about now.
- At last.

He's the one who gave me a
bouncy cheque.

A short while ago I went to the address
which is written on the back.

He scarpered owing three weeks rent.

No, no, there must be a mistake!
It's got to be a mistake.

I mean he told me he owned this restaurant.
He told me he owned 18 of them in fact.

Maybe he was fibbing!

Fibbing! Maybe he was fibbing.
I've just given him

2000 pounds for this on the
strength of his 'fibbing'.

2000 pounds, but why?

You can get them in Portobello
Road for seventeen pounds each!

It's amazing what you can save
if you shop around.

I've got a nose-bleed coming
Rodney!

He tried to tell me that the
statue was cursed!

You know he told me that he
thought Kuvera was a wicket-keeper.

Let's see, now we've
done Cardiff, Bristol,

Southampton and now
North and South London.

Where to now?

Oh to Birmingham, then Manchester,
then Newcastle, even maybe Liverpool.

In fact, anywhere where there're people
who think they can exploit

the religious bigotry of
two stupid immigrants.

We'll be rich my
friend, very rich!

I'll drink to that, my old
mucker!

No sign of Vimmal.

No, he packed his bags and had it away
on his toes five minutes after we left!

As Macbeth said to Hamlet
in A Midsummer Night's

Dream, 'We've been done up
like a couple of kippers.'

Right, let's go to the police.

Oh yeah, that's a good idea,
that is - oh that's marvellous,

we'd give them a good laugh
down there couldn't we, eh?

Can just imagine it? Trotter
brothers conned out of two grand.

It'd be all over the manor
in no time, we'd never

be able to hold our heads
up in court again!

I don't know how people like Vimmal and his
mate can sleep at night, honest I don't.

Lost everything. Leather coats,
Vauxhall Velox, Grandad's telly!

I've just remembered
something. Grandad was renting that telly.

Oh teriffic, come on - let's
get something to eat, I

always feel emotionally peckish
when I've been gutted.

Well there's a curry house down
the road Del. Only joking, Del Boy... Del!