All language subtitles for Brooklyn Nine-Nine - S03E02 - The Funeral.eng.SDH

Okay, squad, the funeral's at 3:00,

followed by a reception at Shaw's Bar.

I want you all on your best behavior.

Yeah, and all eyes are gonna be on us,

because Frick and Frack
here killed Captain Dozerman.

Hey, we accidentally startled a man

with a genetic heart condition.

If you really think about
it, his parents killed him.

All right, whatever.

Look, there's a horse race going
off in Dubai. I got serious money on it.

Dismissed!

Oh, yeah, we should
all check out that race.

God.

He is the worst captain we've ever had.

He drew boobies on my bulletproof vest.

He stared at me for 90 seconds

while he ate an entire peach.

He heard that I speak Spanish,
and he made me fire his housekeeper.

She was Polish.

At least he doesn't practice
his crane kicks with you.

[BOTH GRUNTING]

PEMBROKE: I said not to move!

I didn't move. Listen, guys.

Jake and I were talking last night…

Pillow talk alert! Set the scene.

Spooning or face-to-face? Charles.

[WHISPERING] Spooning.

Anyway, we came up with a plan.

Jake is going to befriend the Vulture

so he lays off of us. [SIGHS]

It's true. I'm gonna bro down with him.

If everything goes according to plan,

we should be beer pong doubles
partners by the end of the week.

Now somebody get me
a puka shell necklace.

I'm going full douche.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

Okay.

Hey, 'sup, bro?

'Sup, Jake?

Got a little update for you
on that Deberg assault case.

Turns out the victim's
wife was super-hot.

Yeah, I read the file. She's a mom.

Not interested. True that.

So listen, I've been thinking.

We got off on the wrong foot here.

And I believe it's 'cause
we're just too damn similar.

You do? Absolutely.

We both love premium tequila. Yeah.

Robin Thicke. Oh, yeah.

Gots to have my puks. Gots to.

And of course, most
importantly, nip slips.

[CHUCKLES] Let me
ask you a question, Jake.

You also like Okinawan martial arts?

Because you left this in my back.

Hmm? What I'm saying, Einstein,

is that you stabbed me in my back.

How so?

SANTIAGO: We came up with a plan.

Jake is going to befriend
the Vulture so he lays off of us.

Busted! I knew that you were faking it.

I'll bet you don't even like nip slips!

So, what, you bugged the briefing room?

No, Scully butt-dialed me
yesterday and he still hasn't hung up.

[SIGHS] Once again,
Scully's butt is the downfall

of this precinct.

Look, Jake, I know that you and
Santiago are trying to take me down.

You guys go home.
You lay in bed together.

You plot against me. Well, no longer.

I want you to dump
Santiago, and that's an order.

What? You can't do that.
It's completely against the rules.

Okay, Sonia Sotomayor.
I would never break the rules.

But what I could do,

for totally "unrelated reasons,"

is have you busted
back down to a beat cop.

No, don't do that, all right?

I can learn to love nip slips.

No, you either love them, or you don't.

It's too late.

You dump Santiago, or you
kiss that detective badge goodbye.

Beat it.

First time back in the Nine-Nine. Mmm.

I really miss these people.
The whole crew. Jake, Terry… Bleh…

I forget all their other names.

Just remember, we're
here as PR representatives.

I don't want to be disruptive. Too bad.

We're like rock stars to these people.

They're gonna go nuts, just like…

[HUSHED YELLING]

I would hate it if these doors opened

and everyone stopped
working to applaud us.

[ELEVATOR DINGS]

Hmm, nothing.

You must be loving this.

Yes.

What? He's ordering us to break up?

Look, we can deal with this.
We just need a new plan.

I got it. We lie,

tell him we broke up,
and then date in secret.

Great!
And you'd be okay lying to your captain?

Okay, new plan. Uh-huh.

[GASPS] Captain Holt is here today.

Yes, genius!

He loves us, and he's got
tons of sway in the department.

He'll tell the Vulture to back down.

Yeah, he'll be all

[DEEP VOICE] "Vulture,
I must insist that you desist."

I really think this is gonna work.

Also, if you ever want to bust
out that Holt impression at home,

I'd be okay with that.

Oh… Okay. Duly noted, super-disturbing,

but I'm definitely gonna do it.

Hey, G-spot!

Rosa, Charles, Oh, I
missed you guys so much.

Really, 'cause when you
left, you made a pretty big deal

of deleting us from your phone.

Girl, that was just the showman in me.

PR is so boring.

I need some Nine-Nine drama, stat.

I don't think we're that dramatic.

I've been gone one week.

Jake and Amy are dating,
and they've killed a person.

Mmm. Come on, Charles.

You got to have something
weird and tragic going on.

No. Not unless you call hooking up

with a girl at a funeral
"weird and tragic."

Home run!

Her name is Lieutenant Singh.
She's super-hot.

We were seated next to
each other two funerals ago.

And there was hard eye
contact all through Danny Boy.

Last funeral, we made
out in the parking lot.

This time…

[BRITISH ACCENT]
Something naughty this way comes.

Ugh. What do you even know
about this person? [CHUCKLES]

Oh, we don't know
anything about each other.

She says she likes that about us.

It's just pure animal attraction.

This is creepy and unlike you.

You even know her first name?

Oh, um…

[CHUCKLES] Do animals in the
wild know each other's names?

Look, all I know is, Charles
Boyle is going to that funeral,

and he's going to put the
bone back in boneyard.

Hmm.
Strange to be on this side of the desk.

Why? Oh, right, you used to work here.

You know, I made a lot of
improvements since you left.

I got a fridge for my protein shakes.

I got a kettlebell station.

I got a wolf that I killed in Utah.

I'm fairly certain that's a dog.

Yeah, it was dark.

Sir, I'm sorry to interrupt,
but I need you to sign these…

[CHUCKLES] Captain Holt, I
didn't realize you were here.

Sergeant Jeffords, hello. Welcome back.

PEMBROKE: Hey, you know,
I'm gonna stop you right there.

Hugs are a form of
inappropriate workplace touching.

Trust me, I'm very familiar with
the sexual harassment guidelines.

That'll be all.

Well, I won't take up
too much of your time.

Because the Nine-Nine was
Captain Dozerman's last precinct,

you will be seated at
the front of the funeral.

I wanted to alert you that
there'll be press, cameras…

Whoa, whoa, whoa, cameras?

Crap, nobody said anything about cameras.

I got to rock the bells.

There we go.

Oh, uh, I noticed in the bullpen

that you had changed the
case-numbering system.

I found, when I was
commanding officer, that…

I'm gonna stop you right there.

You're not commanding officer anymore.

I was making a suggestion.

Yeah, look, you did a
lot of good for this place

while you were here,

which is great for me,
because I get to take credit for it.

But you're not a real cop anymore.

You're a desk jockey.
This is my precinct now.

And the sooner that you
accept that, the better.

Yes, well, I know my way out.

'Cause you used to work here.
I keep forgetting.

Everybody does.

Well, well, if it isn't Captain
Raymond Jacob Holt.

It's great to see you
back at the Nine-Nine, sir.

Yes.

There it is, that classic Jake Holt
banter, zingers just flying around.

It's like you never left.
No, I most definitely left.

Okay.

Well, I know how much you love hot goss,

so you probably heard
Amy and I have been dating.

And we would love your approval. No.

But that's not what this is about.
It sure is not.

Sir, the Vulture is out of control.

All right, he told me
if I don't dump Amy,

he's gonna demote me. You got to help us.

Let me stop you right there, Peralta.

I'm not the Chief of Detectives.

I'm not the Vulture's boss.

I'm just some guy in PR.

But we thought… I can't save your ass.

I don't work here anymore.

And the sooner you accept that,

the better.

Well, looks like somebody's got
a bad case of the funeral crankies.

Okay, guys.
I know Captain Dozerman was a nightmare

and that none of us liked him.

But I'm gonna need all of
you to pretend like you're sad.

Everyone make a sad face.

Scully, you are nailing it!

My wife just texted. She's leaving me.

Good, use it.

Now, anyone seen Captain Holt?

He seemed a little down when he came in.

Yeah, he let me choose the
music on the way over here,

which leads me to believe
he's given up on life.

JEFFORDS: I got to go find him.

Now, be respectful and
grieve your asses off.

[SOBBING] I don't know
why this is happening.

Scully, I love it!
Everyone follow his lead.

[SIGHS] So what are we
gonna do about the Vulture?

I've got a new plan.
Pretend like we're talking.

We are talking. Exactly.

It's working already. Now.

I'm going to coolly run
my hands through my hair.

Look where my elbow's pointing. [GASPS]

It's Davis Garmin, Chief of Detectives.

-Holt said he could overrule the Vulture.
-Exactly.

The only question now
is, will he believe us?

Yes, 'cause we're gonna take
a page from the Vulture's book.

The Big Book of Small Butts? What?

It's the only thing I've
ever seen him read.

No, we're gonna secretly record

the Vulture telling you to dump me.

Then we'll play it for Chief Garmin.

Then…

We're gonna totally have
sex on top of each other.

You get to keep your job. Yes, that.

[SLOW ORGAN MUSIC PLAYING]

Ooh, Charles, your jump-off is here.

Hello, Detective.

Hello, Lieutenant.

Real tragic about the captain.

Yes, real tragic.

I like the way your butt looks today.

I've been doing lunges in the shower.

Well, this got upsetting real quick.

I want to live in this moment forever.

I got us a motel room across the street.

Oh. Meet me there in 15 minutes.

I'll meat you, all right.

M-E-A-T.

Still think it's creepy?

Yes.

Charles, it is not like you to
have sex with a total stranger.

Really, tell that to me in an hour
when we've had sex 23 times.

There you are.

You okay, sir? No.

Until this morning, some
small part of me still believed

I would be captain of
the Nine-Nine again.

What a fool I was.
I should never have returned.

It's like visiting your childhood home

and seeing it's been replaced
by a denim pants store.

Whoa.

Whoa! Whoa!

Slow down, sir.

You didn't even stop
and sniff the bouquet.

You always sniff the bouquet.

Maybe the old Holt did.

But the new Holt chugs Beaujolais

from a Burgundy glass without a care.

Oh, it's a Sauternes glass.

[CHUCKLES] Look, the alcohol
has rendered me a simpleton.

Maybe you should just call it a day.

I can't.

I've been asked to deliver a
toast here after the funeral,

a message of hope.

[INHALES SHARPLY]
This is what I have so far.

"Pain…"

That's it.

One tweak. Huh?

Maybe you should lose the word "pain"

and then get in a cab and go home.

[INHALES] Maybe I will. But first,

you're gonna have one
drink with me, Sergeant.

For old times' sake?

One drink, and then we go. One drink.

[MUSIC BLARING]

My tolerance has really
changed since I had kids!

[BEEPS]

[CLEARS THROAT]

[CHUCKLES] Hey, Captain.
I was looking for you inside.

One thing I won't do is fart in church.
This is God's house.

Oh.

Respectful.

So listen, remember when you said
to me that I have to dump Santiago

or else you're gonna
bust me down to beat cop?

What I remember, Jake, is
you pretending to be my bro

and me being like,
"I'm onto you, dillweed."

[BAGPIPES BLARING]

-Oh, uh…
-[BAGPIPES -STOP]

Sorry, could you say that one more time?

I couldn't hear you over the bagpipes.

-[BAGPIPES BLARING]
-Ugh!

One second.
Excuse me, could you stop playing that?

Just trying to have a conversation.

I'm warming up, man. Sorry.

Yeah, I know. We just need two minutes.

No can do. The funeral's about to start.

Everyone wants to hear me honk, so…

Do you really need to warm up, though?

I mean, you're just gonna
make a terrible wall of sound.

First of all, that's offensive
to me as half-Scottish.

Second of all, you think
you could do better?

Blow my bag.

Look, we just need a couple
of minutes to chat. That's it.

I'm not gonna stop
playing until you blow it.

All right, just give it to me.
All right? Yeah.

Prepare to hear me play
the bagpipes perfectly.

Okay.

[BAGPIPES WAILING]

Oh, my God.

Point proven.

Yeah, I think I've heard just
about enough of this catfight.

I'm out.

Wait, Captain! Sir!

[CHUCKLES] Your boyfriend,
sorry, uh, your ex-boyfriend

is pathetic.

You should be glad that I
ordered him to dump you.

Swish, Kobe.

[CELL PHONE BEEPS]

Got it.

Yes! You're amazing!

[BAGPIPES WAILING]

That was We Are the Champions.

[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]

Ugh. It's impossible to find
Garmin with everybody mourning

all over the place.

It's like they have no
respect for our sneaky plans.

[SIGHS] I know. Oh, look, there he is.

Oh, great. [CLEARS THROAT]

Hi there.

Sorry, this area is reserved for
close personal friends of the deceased.

Uh, well, that is us.
Dozerman and I were pretty much besties.

Went on an annual fishing trip together.

Cayuga Lake, caught a lot of Coho salmon.

We are both so bummed that he's dead.

Super-bummed. Yeah.

Oh. Right on. Come in.

Thanks.

Blessings to you.

Blessings? Ugh. I don't know.
It's my first time in a church.

All right, how did you do that?

Simple detective work.

There was a floral arrangement
up front with a picture

of Dozerman and 30 of
his friends holding a big fish.

Cayuga Lake I pulled
straight from the guest book.

And Coho salmon?

Well, that's just something I know
about from being a man of the world.

Our special today is Coho salmon on a…

Sounds disgusting.
Do you have chicken fingers?

Impressed? Mmm-hmm.

And horrified by your eating habits.

Well, if I'm so unhealthy, how
come I never go to the bathroom?

[LAUGHS]

Okay, let's get to Garmin. Yeah.

Hi, I'm Margaret Dozerman.
How did you know my husband?

Oh, Mrs. Dozerman, your
husband was a great man.

Some of my fondest memories
of him were on our fishing trips.

You went on those trips? I did, indeed.

They called me "the Coho King."

Pretty much single-handedly
organized those things myself.

So you were the one who
brought all the prostitutes?

[CLICKS TONGUE] Uh…

BOYLE: Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Can we slow down?

Why? Are you not into this?

No, no, no.

My friends are just in my head.

They think it's weird

that we don't know
anything about each other.

Hmm, I think it's hot.

Totally, I'm glad we're not interested
in each other as human beings.

[CHUCKLES]

Oh, how about if you tell
me things about yourself,

and then I tell you how
little I care about them?

Okay.

Okay, here goes. I'm an only child.

Not interested. I was born in Delaware.

Who even asked you?

I like this.

I don't care what you like.

Mmm.

But maybe you could
tell me one more thing.

[SHOUTS] She's a vegan!

What is going on?

You're right. I couldn't help myself.

I wanted to know about her.
And I got what I deserved.

A vegan, a gluten-free vegan!

Charles, you need to calm down.

BOYLE: No. You called it, Rosa.

So go ahead. Laugh at me!
Laugh! Laugh it up!

Can I wait till after the funeral?

GUEST: Shh!

[WHISPERS] Of course you can.

JEFFORDS: Sir, my life stinks.

Sharon's on bed rest.

My favorite mango
yogurt got discontinued.

And my kids think their
preschool teacher's a stupid face.

Everyone I work with is a stupid face.

Especially Bryce.

Sir? Sir? Sir? Hmm? Hmm? Hmm?

Can I be honest?

Precinct's not the same without you.
The Vulture's the worst.

My mango yogurt…

Yes, you already mentioned the yogurt.
'Cause it's important!

When I saw you in
the office this morning,

I wanted to give you the biggest hug.

But the Vulture told you
not to, and you had to listen.

He's your captain now, Terry.

I hate going to work
and you're not there.

Everything is garbage.

[SCOFFS] Everything is garbage.

I should put that in my message of hope.

That's a really good idea!

It took my husband and
me years of counseling

to get over those little
backwood orgies of yours.

He had sex with five
prostitutes in one weekend.

Ugh! That's bananas! I had no idea.

I was probably too busy praying.

You said you planned the trips.

Yeah, I did say that.
Called yourself the Coho King.

[GROANS] All right, look.

I'm not the Coho King. My name is Jake.

And your husband was only
my captain for, like, a day.

Wait a second.

Are you the Jake that killed him?

No, I'm Prostitute Jake.
I love prostitutes.

You need to go.
You should leave right now.

You need to leave right now.

It's okay, Margaret. Come on.

Oh, Chief Garmin, wait, I just…

Need to play you one
quick recording of my boss.

[SIGHS]

You recorded me? That's not cool, Jake.

Well, we were just taking
a page out of your book.

Yeah? What are you gonna do next, huh?

Are you gonna start wearing
leather bracelets, hmm?

Good luck pulling off that chunky-B

with those skinny
little girl wrists of yours.

Congratulations.
You're no longer a detective.

You're a beat cop again.

I just crushed your dreams.
[CLICKS TONGUE]

Oh.

Okay, I know things
seem really bad right now,

but we just need a minute to think.

[BAGPIPES PLAYING "AMAZING GRACE"]

Come on, man!

Okay, so the Vulture has your phone.

But new plan…

Jake, we've had lots of plans,
and none of them have worked.

Yeah, but this is a good one.

The new plan is no plan.

We wing it!

Probably won't work, but I
said it with a lot of confidence.

Jake, you got demoted.

We said this relationship
wasn't gonna get in the way

of our careers, and it has.

So what? We'll figure it out.

I'll make my way back to detective.

Or maybe you won't.

I'm not gonna let you
throw away your dream job.

Amy, this is good.

This is a six-day relationship.

-We don't know what it is.
-[FEEDBACK ON MICROPHONE]

[SIGHS] And now for a message of hope.

Ah, a message of hope, right on time.

Everything is garbage.

Oh, no.

You find something you care
about, and it's taken from you.

Your colleague, your dream job,

-your mango yogurt.
-Whoo!

Never love

anything.

That's the lesson.

To Captain Dozerman.

ALL: To Captain Dozerman.

Thank you, sir.
I'll take it from here. Very poetic.

If I might offer a
counter-toast of sorts.

Captain Dozerman and I, we
weren't together for very long.

In fact, as coworkers, our
relationship was only six days.

But that's not nothing.

It was long enough for me to
know that we had something special.

And sure, there may be obstacles.

Him having passed away, for example.

But I'm not giving up on us.

And I don't care if I get demoted.

I just care about being with you.

Captain Dozerman,

an adult man who has
passed into the nether world.

JEFFORDS: Move over, Peralta! Move over!

[SLURRING] And if I may do a third toast.

It'll be focused primarily
on the mango yogurt.

[ALL GROANING, BOOING]

Don't boo me!
I lost something important, too, shoo.

[SIGHS]

Thought I might find you here.

So, not a big fan of my speech, huh?

No, I loved it.
I mean, I wish it hadn't been at a wake.

And I wish you hadn't kept
referring to me as your dead boss.

Yeah, it pretty much sucked butt

but still was somehow
the best of the three toasts.

Mmm. Look, I don't want to break up,

but I don't want to get demoted either.

I just don't know what to do.

I'm all out of plans.

I have one. Holt saves your ass.

Captain.

I was moved by your speech, Peralta.

Thank you, sir.
That's very nice of you to say.

The syntax was problematic. Less nice.

And your vocabulary is a true
indictment of the public school system.

Seems like you're just slamming me now.

But the fact that you're
not willing to give up

in the face of adversity is inspiring.

I love the Nine-Nine,

and I'm not gonna turn
my back on the squad.

So I fixed your problem with the Vulture.

Really? I may just be a guy in PR,

but what does the Vulture
love more than anything?

Garbage Pail Kids?

No. Publicity.

Captain Pembroke, how
would you like your face

on the NYPD website?

Really? Yes! Yes!

In exchange for media attention,

the Vulture will not bust you down

or stand in the way of you two dating.

Sir, I don't know how to thank you.

Anything for the Nine-Nine.

Thank you, sir.

[WHISPERS] He totally approves of us.

What you doing there, Boyle?

Trying to get drunk enough to
have sexual intercourse with a vegan.

Oh, why can't I just think with
my junk like a modern man?

Why do you want to do that? [SIGHS]

I got divorced, and I was crushed.

My fiancée left. I cried for weeks.

My only relationship that wasn't
totally devastating when it ended

was my casual sex carnival with Gina.

DIAZ: Yeah, okay,

but which of those relationships

made you happiest before it ended?

[SIGHS] My marriage? Vivian?

Yeah, because you connected
with them emotionally,

something we did not do

because I'm a higher level of being,

like Her from the movie Her.

Mmm. Dude, you can't go
through life trying not to get hurt.

You should try to be happy.

So you think I should look for someone

I can have emotional intercourse with.

Oh, I wish you hadn't
said it like that, but yeah.

I should start right
here at this funeral.

I'd probably wait.

Nope, no time to lose.

Put on your sunglasses.

I need to see if there's
anything in my teeth.

Ugh.

Oh, yeah.

Charles Boyle is ready for love.

Well, never wearing these again.