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♪ ♪
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[OWL HOOTING]
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[LASZLO] Something is
wrong with Gizmo lately.
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00:00:18,205 --> 00:00:19,739
He's morose, distracted.
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00:00:19,750 --> 00:00:21,619
Like a man with a secret.
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00:00:21,630 --> 00:00:24,066
I mean, he's still a
perfectly adequate familiar.
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00:00:24,077 --> 00:00:26,313
But there's just something
not right about him.
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What it is, I don't know,
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00:00:28,270 --> 00:00:29,703
but I intend to find out.
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So we're all here. That's good.
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- If I can have your undivided attention...
- [NANDOR] What?
12
00:00:33,593 --> 00:00:34,601
- ... for a few minutes?
- Absolutely not.
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00:00:34,612 --> 00:00:35,621
[LASZLO] No.
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00:00:36,115 --> 00:00:38,449
[DIRECTOR] So, aren't you
actually a vampire now?
15
00:00:38,557 --> 00:00:41,025
- Hmm?
- Didn't you pay your friend Derek
16
00:00:41,262 --> 00:00:43,384
- to turn you into a...
- We're not talking about that right now.
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[LASZLO] He's behaving unusually.
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If there's anyone that can get
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00:00:46,192 --> 00:00:47,497
to the bottom of this
kind of thing, it's me.
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Why? 'Cause I'm the king of bottoms.
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[CHORTLES]
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["YOU'RE DEAD" BY NORMA TANEGA PLAYING]
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♪ Don't sing if you want to live long ♪
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00:00:55,839 --> 00:00:58,901
♪ They have no use for your song ♪
25
00:00:58,912 --> 00:01:01,633
♪ You're dead, you're
dead, you're dead ♪
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00:01:01,644 --> 00:01:03,746
♪ You're dead and out of this world ♪
27
00:01:05,501 --> 00:01:08,371
♪ Now your hope and compassion is gone ♪
28
00:01:08,382 --> 00:01:11,124
♪ You sold out your dream to the world ♪
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♪ Stay dead, stay dead, stay dead ♪
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00:01:13,864 --> 00:01:16,186
♪ You're dead and out of this world. ♪
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♪ ♪
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- Synced and corrected by naFraC -
- www.addic7ed.com -
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- As I was saying...
- [NADJA] Couple of questions. First one:
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- Why? And also...
- Okay, you know what?
35
00:01:30,255 --> 00:01:32,010
- ... who gives you the right?
- [GUILLERMO] Okay, I was just...
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[COLIN] I have a follow-up to that.
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Okay.
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00:01:35,771 --> 00:01:39,045
- Yeah.
- Nadja, Laszlo, Colin Robinson, please.
39
00:01:39,056 --> 00:01:41,091
I would like to hear
what Guillermo has to say.
40
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[RAGGED GROAN]
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[NANDOR] A lot has changed
since you last saw me.
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I'm in a really good place.
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And it is all thanks to
an ancient book of wisdom
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I discovered that
laid buried in Laszlo's
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00:01:53,727 --> 00:01:57,348
library of precious
volumes for years and years.
46
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This book has taught me to
focus on what is really important,
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00:02:01,601 --> 00:02:05,553
like who is okay and who is not okay.
48
00:02:05,710 --> 00:02:07,550
Thank you for sharing, Guillermo.
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00:02:07,561 --> 00:02:09,420
You are okay.
50
00:02:09,502 --> 00:02:12,826
- I didn't say anything yet.
- Then that is okay.
51
00:02:12,837 --> 00:02:15,821
Okay. I want to talk about
something very important.
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If this about my sexual intercourse,
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I saw the doctor and took the test.
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[GUILLERMO] No, that was
a Cosmo quiz that you took
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00:02:21,652 --> 00:02:23,754
called "Which Sex and
the City Icon Are You?"
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00:02:23,787 --> 00:02:25,938
- And I was Kim Cattrall.
- Ooh.
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00:02:25,949 --> 00:02:27,312
- Ooh.
- [LASZLO] Now, I haven't got a clue who
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00:02:27,323 --> 00:02:28,465
that is, but as long as she's sexy
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- and down to fuck, bingo.
- Fine diagnosis.
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00:02:31,145 --> 00:02:32,385
[GUILLERMO] Okay, the thing
I want to talk about is
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00:02:32,395 --> 00:02:33,910
- vampire safety.
- [COLIN] Go on.
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[GUILLERMO] You're all
becoming very sloppy
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00:02:35,199 --> 00:02:36,928
covering your vampirisms
in public, okay?
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- It's becoming very dangerous.
- What is the big deal?
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If anyone notices,
we just hypnotize them
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- like we always do.
- [GUILLERMO] No,
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you've been doing that
way too much lately.
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Yes, but I have getting
really okay at it.
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00:02:48,176 --> 00:02:49,297
- [CROWD CHEERING]
- [GRUNTS]
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00:02:49,312 --> 00:02:51,404
- You okay?
- I am fine.
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00:02:51,630 --> 00:02:53,083
No, no, no. No, no.
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- [CROWD STOPS CHEERING]
- You will all forget
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that someone tripped and who it was.
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[GUILLERMO] I just fear
that the hypnosis is making
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the borough dumber and dumber.
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00:03:03,724 --> 00:03:06,409
We live in Staten Island.
Nobody will notice.
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00:03:06,420 --> 00:03:08,823
There are just some things
you will never understand
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00:03:08,834 --> 00:03:11,222
because you're not a vampire.
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00:03:11,233 --> 00:03:12,249
- [LASZLO] Yeah.
- [NANDOR] Very good point.
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00:03:12,259 --> 00:03:13,702
- [LASZLO] Precisely.
- [NADJA CHUCKLES]
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00:03:13,713 --> 00:03:15,258
But even if I was a vampire, I...
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[ALL LAUGHING]
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We are not laughing with
you, we are laughing at you.
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00:03:23,433 --> 00:03:25,235
You know what? Enough, okay?
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Don't count on me to always
be here to protect you.
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00:03:27,669 --> 00:03:29,090
I'm not gonna be around forever.
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00:03:29,101 --> 00:03:31,506
Really? Where will you
go, David Attenborough?
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00:03:31,517 --> 00:03:32,766
- [GUILLERMO] Right now?
- Yes.
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00:03:32,777 --> 00:03:34,408
- Out of this room.
- Oh, finally.
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00:03:34,419 --> 00:03:36,054
And that is okay.
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00:03:36,088 --> 00:03:38,291
Look, guys, please, can I
just have, like, a minute?
92
00:03:38,302 --> 00:03:40,441
Please, can... You know what, fine.
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00:03:40,532 --> 00:03:42,275
Fine. Let's get this over with.
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Lock the door.
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00:03:43,586 --> 00:03:44,711
Lock the... Please look the door.
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00:03:44,722 --> 00:03:46,731
So, yeah, 16 days ago,
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I made an impulsive
decision to have Derek...
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Make me a vampire.
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Sure, man.
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00:03:53,676 --> 00:03:55,513
- Oh. Whoa. Not yet, sorry.
- [CHUCKLES] Just a...
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00:03:55,524 --> 00:03:57,775
I know, but just gonna take my...
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00:03:57,808 --> 00:03:59,304
- cardigan off.
- Yeah, of course, of course.
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00:03:59,315 --> 00:04:00,983
Just don't want anything on it.
104
00:04:00,994 --> 00:04:02,436
- My grandma gave it to me.
- Mm.
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00:04:02,447 --> 00:04:04,520
[GUILLERMO] And...
I was a little nervous at first,
106
00:04:04,531 --> 00:04:07,871
and your first time
I guess always... is?
107
00:04:08,358 --> 00:04:10,814
Uh... Okay. [CHUCKLES]
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00:04:10,825 --> 00:04:11,910
- Here we are.
- Yes.
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00:04:11,921 --> 00:04:13,021
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
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00:04:14,822 --> 00:04:16,057
I'm ready.
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[CLEARS THROAT]
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- [HISSES]
- [TREVOR] Derek,
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00:04:19,659 --> 00:04:21,729
customer toilet is clogged again.
114
00:04:21,740 --> 00:04:23,049
You know what? I got
to take care of this.
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00:04:23,060 --> 00:04:25,556
- Wait, what? Now?
- If I don't do it now, people just go
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on top of what's already
there, and believe me,
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00:04:27,702 --> 00:04:29,308
- then no one's happy.
- Derek,
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00:04:29,319 --> 00:04:30,638
later. After...
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00:04:30,672 --> 00:04:32,031
Oh, yes, of course, yes. [CHUCKLES]
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00:04:32,041 --> 00:04:33,073
You know what? Trevor's
always telling me
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I have bad task management
skills, you know?
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First, turn you into a vampire.
123
00:04:37,424 --> 00:04:39,325
- Yes.
- Then I'll clean the toilets.
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[QUIETLY] I'm ready.
Derek moved in, and finally...
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00:04:44,251 --> 00:04:46,119
[RAINFALL PLAYING ON SPEAKERS]
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What are you doing?
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00:04:51,544 --> 00:04:55,055
Just... showing off
your... your sound machine.
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00:04:55,066 --> 00:04:56,589
Why do you have it on
129
00:04:56,600 --> 00:04:59,520
"rainy night at the
leaky castle" setting?
130
00:04:59,531 --> 00:05:01,280
- [SOFT CHITTERING PLAYS]
- Ah...
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00:05:01,291 --> 00:05:03,368
The creatures of the night.
132
00:05:03,483 --> 00:05:06,748
Such beautiful music they make.
133
00:05:06,759 --> 00:05:10,088
It also has a
setting for "banshee wail"...
134
00:05:10,099 --> 00:05:13,200
- It's white noise.
- ... and "abandoned orphanage."
135
00:05:13,211 --> 00:05:14,478
"Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star."
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00:05:14,488 --> 00:05:16,889
- Very creepy.
- Master, is there something that
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00:05:16,901 --> 00:05:18,769
you needed to discuss with me?
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00:05:19,146 --> 00:05:20,814
Yes.
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00:05:20,825 --> 00:05:22,591
There is.
140
00:05:24,923 --> 00:05:26,390
Guillermo...
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00:05:26,916 --> 00:05:29,206
we know why you have been acting so
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00:05:29,376 --> 00:05:31,061
oddly lately.
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00:05:31,095 --> 00:05:33,182
- You do?
- Mm.
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00:05:33,193 --> 00:05:35,031
Are you-are you mad?
145
00:05:35,042 --> 00:05:36,332
Yes.
146
00:05:36,567 --> 00:05:41,787
We are mad at ourselves
for forgetting your birthday.
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00:05:42,012 --> 00:05:45,610
I am okay and you are
okay, but this is not okay.
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00:05:45,621 --> 00:05:49,469
For a human,
a birthday is a terrible day.
149
00:05:49,480 --> 00:05:52,381
- We have forgotten his birthday.
- Oh, yes.
150
00:05:52,414 --> 00:05:55,047
[LASZLO] No, I really don't
think it's about his birthday.
151
00:05:55,058 --> 00:05:57,646
And if it is, what a bitch.
152
00:05:57,657 --> 00:06:00,450
- When is his birthday?
- Uh...
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00:06:00,461 --> 00:06:01,815
I don't know, to be honest.
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00:06:01,826 --> 00:06:03,652
[NANDOR] Poor creatures
only live for, like,
155
00:06:03,663 --> 00:06:06,405
two, 300 years, tops.
156
00:06:06,416 --> 00:06:08,450
So we are taking you out
for a birthday dinner.
157
00:06:08,461 --> 00:06:10,416
Change into your nicest shitty sweater
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00:06:10,427 --> 00:06:12,521
- and we will see you at the restaurant.
- What...
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00:06:12,532 --> 00:06:14,001
What restaurant?
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00:06:19,920 --> 00:06:22,083
[COLIN] So, full disclosure:
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00:06:22,094 --> 00:06:25,078
I am back in the workforce.
162
00:06:25,089 --> 00:06:29,185
I'm Colin Robinson. I'll
be taking your order today.
163
00:06:29,196 --> 00:06:31,808
So, what are we thinking
about munching on?
164
00:06:31,819 --> 00:06:35,463
I decided to take a break
from the office life.
165
00:06:35,474 --> 00:06:38,986
How about we set you two
up with some pro-sexy?
166
00:06:38,997 --> 00:06:41,800
It's a fun way of saying prosecco.
167
00:06:41,811 --> 00:06:43,037
- [CHAIR LEGS SQUEAK]
- Prosecco is...
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00:06:43,048 --> 00:06:46,173
Simply because the opportunities to feed
169
00:06:46,184 --> 00:06:50,748
in the service industry
are so incredible.
170
00:06:50,759 --> 00:06:52,694
Dressing on the side. Ugh.
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00:06:52,817 --> 00:06:54,751
Uh, I can ask the chef,
172
00:06:54,762 --> 00:06:56,931
but it's probably a no go.
173
00:06:56,942 --> 00:06:59,145
- I hate to see you cry.
- I'm not crying.
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00:06:59,156 --> 00:07:00,941
I just... I want...
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00:07:00,952 --> 00:07:02,310
Pardon my reach.
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00:07:02,321 --> 00:07:03,576
Oops.
177
00:07:03,821 --> 00:07:05,556
Just wanted to check in on you two,
178
00:07:05,567 --> 00:07:07,666
see how everything's tasting.
179
00:07:07,840 --> 00:07:09,834
Think about desert.
180
00:07:09,845 --> 00:07:11,724
- Strip steak.
- Uh-huh.
181
00:07:11,735 --> 00:07:13,202
Medium-well.
182
00:07:13,213 --> 00:07:16,840
The Caesar salad but with no croutons.
183
00:07:17,091 --> 00:07:18,879
Are you sure you're getting all this?
184
00:07:18,890 --> 00:07:21,692
Yeah, I-I never write anything down.
185
00:07:22,000 --> 00:07:24,301
I got it. I think I know you want.
186
00:07:24,312 --> 00:07:25,680
Bon appétit.
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♪ ♪
188
00:07:27,717 --> 00:07:30,037
Hey, folks, my name is Colin.
189
00:07:30,048 --> 00:07:32,062
I'll be your server this evening.
190
00:07:32,073 --> 00:07:33,586
Has your whole party arrived?
191
00:07:33,597 --> 00:07:37,000
No. Tonight, Gizmo arrives upon an Uber.
192
00:07:37,011 --> 00:07:39,569
- Mm-hmm.
- [COLIN] Okay. They're really not supposed to
193
00:07:39,580 --> 00:07:41,885
seat you until your
entire party has arrived.
194
00:07:41,896 --> 00:07:44,663
Can I ask you to go stand
in the crowded alcove
195
00:07:44,674 --> 00:07:46,100
where the cigarette smoke comes in?
196
00:07:46,133 --> 00:07:49,518
Fuck off. Just get us anything
so it looks like we're eating.
197
00:07:49,529 --> 00:07:52,917
Okey dokey, jalapeño
poppers, jalapeño poppers,
198
00:07:52,928 --> 00:07:54,403
jalapeño poppers,
199
00:07:54,414 --> 00:07:56,750
and one more per la tavola.
200
00:07:56,761 --> 00:08:00,031
Koúkla mou, do you want
to come up and join us?
201
00:08:00,042 --> 00:08:02,337
- [LAUGHS]
- No, I hate you and I want to die.
202
00:08:02,348 --> 00:08:04,283
When I was running the vampire nightclub
203
00:08:04,294 --> 00:08:06,709
I may have got a little bit
204
00:08:06,720 --> 00:08:08,854
too much into the old, uh, [CHUCKLES]
205
00:08:08,887 --> 00:08:10,188
liquor blood.
206
00:08:10,199 --> 00:08:11,665
[EXCLAIMING]
207
00:08:11,676 --> 00:08:15,105
And then, one night, I
got so shit off my faced...
208
00:08:15,928 --> 00:08:17,963
that I sat on my dolly
209
00:08:18,019 --> 00:08:20,517
and I minced her legs with my wagon.
210
00:08:20,528 --> 00:08:21,923
Don't be such a Debbie Downer.
211
00:08:21,934 --> 00:08:24,604
- Come and join in the human birthday party.
- Yes, eh?
212
00:08:24,615 --> 00:08:27,474
What you've done to my
legs is unforgivable.
213
00:08:27,485 --> 00:08:30,021
Nadja absolutely crushed my lower body.
214
00:08:30,254 --> 00:08:31,832
There's nothing wrong with my butt.
215
00:08:31,843 --> 00:08:34,075
Eh, I'll be the judge of that.
216
00:08:34,086 --> 00:08:35,788
[DOLL NADJA] And Colin
Robinson's solution
217
00:08:35,799 --> 00:08:38,619
is something I very
much do not like. [SPITS]
218
00:08:38,630 --> 00:08:41,423
Come on, you can be the
queen of the restaurant, huh?
219
00:08:41,434 --> 00:08:43,235
- Push the button, my darling.
- [DOLL NADJA] Don't you dare
220
00:08:43,246 --> 00:08:44,425
press the button on my toe.
221
00:08:44,436 --> 00:08:46,351
Oh, come on, it's so fun.
222
00:08:46,362 --> 00:08:47,755
- ♪ I feel good... ♪
- [LASZLO LAUGHING]
223
00:08:47,766 --> 00:08:49,286
- No! I don't actually feel good at all!
- [WHOOPS]
224
00:08:49,297 --> 00:08:50,973
♪ I knew that I would, now... ♪
225
00:08:50,984 --> 00:08:54,114
- I will never forgive you for destroying my...
- ♪ I feel good ♪
226
00:08:54,125 --> 00:08:56,699
- Wow! Peekaboo! Queen of Soul in the house.
- ♪ So good... ♪
227
00:08:56,710 --> 00:08:58,669
- Fuck-fuck-fuck you all! ♪ So good ♪
- [LASZLO] I think so.
228
00:08:58,701 --> 00:09:00,136
- ♪ I got you. ♪
- Ow!
229
00:09:00,169 --> 00:09:01,966
- Ow! Stop!
- [NADJA WHOOPS]
230
00:09:01,977 --> 00:09:03,673
Put me back under the table.
231
00:09:03,684 --> 00:09:06,130
- Oh, what have I done?
- You know what you did.
232
00:09:06,141 --> 00:09:07,700
You're never going to
forgive me, are you?
233
00:09:07,710 --> 00:09:09,685
- [SPEAKS GREEK]
- [NANDOR] Colin Robinson.
234
00:09:09,696 --> 00:09:10,992
- Yes, sir?
- [NANDOR] Are those
235
00:09:11,003 --> 00:09:14,540
"yalapeño" whatevers... are
they coming any time soon?
236
00:09:14,551 --> 00:09:16,473
Oh, I'll ask your
server to check on those.
237
00:09:16,484 --> 00:09:19,130
- I thought you were our server.
- [COLIN] I'm on break.
238
00:09:19,141 --> 00:09:21,743
- My darling, what is on your mind?
- [NANDOR] Yes.
239
00:09:22,122 --> 00:09:24,230
It's nothing, I just...
240
00:09:24,359 --> 00:09:26,114
I can't get something
out of my mind that
241
00:09:26,125 --> 00:09:28,454
that little pipsqueak Gizmo said about
242
00:09:28,465 --> 00:09:30,421
not being around forever.
243
00:09:30,432 --> 00:09:33,121
I mean, he could mean
that he's gonna die soon.
244
00:09:33,132 --> 00:09:34,668
- Right.
- That's something that, uh,
245
00:09:34,702 --> 00:09:35,888
- humans do.
- [NADJA] All the time.
246
00:09:35,899 --> 00:09:38,651
Or he could get his old job
at Panera Bread back.
247
00:09:38,662 --> 00:09:40,776
That's another thing all humans do
248
00:09:40,787 --> 00:09:42,854
- at some point. Or...
- Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
249
00:09:42,865 --> 00:09:46,748
I suppose eventually,
perhaps, he could...
250
00:09:48,041 --> 00:09:49,815
become a vampire himself.
251
00:09:49,848 --> 00:09:52,150
- [ALL LAUGHING]
- Fuck, no.
252
00:09:52,161 --> 00:09:55,564
- What an idiot.
- It could happen. It could happen.
253
00:09:55,643 --> 00:09:58,322
I don't understand why.
Why do you keep asking that?
254
00:09:58,333 --> 00:09:59,891
You were there, you saw what happened.
255
00:09:59,924 --> 00:10:01,083
- Why are we going to...
- [DIRECTOR] Guillermo, we're just trying to
256
00:10:01,094 --> 00:10:02,942
understand it from your point of view.
257
00:10:02,953 --> 00:10:04,732
Derek leaned in...
258
00:10:04,979 --> 00:10:06,028
- Wait, stop!
- Oh, what?!
259
00:10:06,038 --> 00:10:08,065
Sorry. Have you done this before?
260
00:10:08,099 --> 00:10:10,533
Yeah. [SCOFFS] Tons of ti...
261
00:10:10,567 --> 00:10:12,191
Like, many dozens of times.
262
00:10:12,202 --> 00:10:15,697
- Derek.
- I'm... No. I haven't. No. Um, have you?
263
00:10:16,865 --> 00:10:18,661
Why doesn't Andy just do this?
264
00:10:18,708 --> 00:10:19,738
Who?
265
00:10:20,123 --> 00:10:21,412
Your master.
266
00:10:22,192 --> 00:10:23,846
You mean Nandor?
267
00:10:23,857 --> 00:10:25,316
Oh... Okay.
268
00:10:25,327 --> 00:10:27,446
That clears up so much for me.
269
00:10:27,457 --> 00:10:28,717
I mean, I kept thinking,
270
00:10:28,751 --> 00:10:30,819
"A vampire named Andy?
That's so random."
271
00:10:30,853 --> 00:10:33,077
It's not like he doesn't want to.
It's, like, he always says
272
00:10:33,088 --> 00:10:35,591
he's gonna get around to it, you know?
273
00:10:35,847 --> 00:10:38,694
He actually cares about me a lot,
and he does a lot of
274
00:10:38,727 --> 00:10:40,829
- really nice things for me.
- Oh.
275
00:10:45,500 --> 00:10:46,860
Oh, sorry, I'm just pausing.
276
00:10:46,871 --> 00:10:47,976
It's for the editors.
277
00:10:47,987 --> 00:10:50,364
They insert, probably, like,
a cute montage or something,
278
00:10:50,375 --> 00:10:51,806
of all the stuff he's done for me
279
00:10:51,839 --> 00:10:54,804
- over the years, so, might take a second.
- Okay.
280
00:10:54,815 --> 00:10:56,231
- Oh, okay.
- Yeah.
281
00:10:56,242 --> 00:10:58,110
♪ ♪
282
00:11:03,185 --> 00:11:04,708
Are you sure you want to do this?
283
00:11:04,719 --> 00:11:06,019
Yes.
284
00:11:06,075 --> 00:11:08,248
No, I still absolutely
want to be a vampire.
285
00:11:08,259 --> 00:11:11,090
- I just didn't think it would happen like this.
- Mm.
286
00:11:11,123 --> 00:11:13,227
I don't know, maybe it's,
like, deep down inside,
287
00:11:13,238 --> 00:11:17,222
my psyche is just telling me that
I'm really not ready to, like...
288
00:11:17,233 --> 00:11:20,087
Oh, shit! What the fuck are you doing?!
289
00:11:20,098 --> 00:11:22,665
- [SCREAMING]
- Oh, oh, oh.
290
00:11:22,676 --> 00:11:24,341
I'm sorry, I-I thought
you said you were ready.
291
00:11:24,352 --> 00:11:25,660
I wasn't ready!
292
00:11:25,671 --> 00:11:27,094
I heard "ready!" I just heard "ready!"
293
00:11:27,105 --> 00:11:28,540
I think he hit an artery.
294
00:11:28,573 --> 00:11:30,827
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa! ¡Puta madre!
295
00:11:31,107 --> 00:11:32,207
Oh!
296
00:11:32,218 --> 00:11:34,438
And it was just like... [WHOOSHES]
297
00:11:35,051 --> 00:11:38,616
Aah! Fucking shit! Oh!
298
00:11:38,649 --> 00:11:40,609
Be honest with me. Is it bad?
299
00:11:40,620 --> 00:11:43,102
Hold still, let me look.
Uh, yeah, it's bad.
300
00:11:43,113 --> 00:11:45,268
- Oh! ¡Puta madre!
- [STAMMERING]
301
00:11:45,279 --> 00:11:47,032
Okay, I got to drink your blood.
302
00:11:47,043 --> 00:11:49,091
Ooh. That is gonna be
a sticking point for me.
303
00:11:49,102 --> 00:11:51,108
- Why is that?
- Because I'm a bit of a fainter.
304
00:11:51,119 --> 00:11:53,423
- I have low blood pressure.
- What?
305
00:11:54,111 --> 00:11:56,453
If I'm being honest, you
people can be real parasites.
306
00:11:56,464 --> 00:11:58,169
I mean, why do I need to repeat myself?
307
00:11:58,180 --> 00:12:00,623
You were there, you saw the
blood. Thank you so much,
308
00:12:00,634 --> 00:12:01,959
- and I will be giving you five stars.
- Yeah.
309
00:12:01,970 --> 00:12:04,115
And you know what? I'm done.
I'm off to my birthday dinner
310
00:12:04,126 --> 00:12:05,325
when it's not really my birthday.
311
00:12:05,336 --> 00:12:09,095
[NADJA] Imagine Guillermo flying
around in his little short legs.
312
00:12:09,106 --> 00:12:11,616
- I enjoy that joke.
- That's made my night.
313
00:12:11,627 --> 00:12:13,830
What's so funny? What'd I miss?
314
00:12:13,841 --> 00:12:15,910
Hey, gang.
315
00:12:16,787 --> 00:12:19,618
Hi. Do you mind if I
borrow? Thank you so much.
316
00:12:19,810 --> 00:12:21,667
- That's me.
- What's so funny?
317
00:12:21,678 --> 00:12:22,677
Oh, nothing.
318
00:12:22,688 --> 00:12:24,827
We were doing the joke where we imagine
319
00:12:24,838 --> 00:12:27,617
that you have become a vampire.
320
00:12:28,130 --> 00:12:29,950
I don't know why that's so laughable.
321
00:12:29,961 --> 00:12:33,181
- Could you imagine Grahame as a vampire?
- I know!
322
00:12:33,192 --> 00:12:36,209
He would be just a little
bat with diarrhea, like...
323
00:12:36,220 --> 00:12:38,069
Flying and then... [IMITATES FARTING]
324
00:12:38,080 --> 00:12:40,152
Why do I always shit in your scenarios?
325
00:12:40,163 --> 00:12:42,266
[NANDOR] Guillermo, I'm
sorry. Eventually, of course,
326
00:12:42,277 --> 00:12:46,141
I will definitely be turning you into
a vampire when the time is right.
327
00:12:46,152 --> 00:12:49,227
- But you got to admit, it's a funny image.
- [LAUGHING]
328
00:12:49,238 --> 00:12:51,199
With the big glasses. [LAUGHING]
329
00:12:51,210 --> 00:12:53,432
Or a shitty woolen cape.
330
00:12:53,870 --> 00:12:55,002
What if-what if I didn't wait
331
00:12:55,013 --> 00:12:57,262
till I felt like you
thought the time was right?
332
00:12:57,273 --> 00:12:59,232
- [NANDOR] What do you mean?
- [GUILLERMO] What if, hypothetically,
333
00:12:59,243 --> 00:13:01,667
walking down the street,
and then Dracula...
334
00:13:01,678 --> 00:13:03,563
- [LAUGHING]
- Dracula?
335
00:13:03,574 --> 00:13:06,969
[GUILLERMO] He says, "Do you want
me to make you into a vampire?"
336
00:13:08,212 --> 00:13:09,880
And I said yes?
337
00:13:12,729 --> 00:13:14,731
[WEAK CHUCKLE]
338
00:13:16,667 --> 00:13:20,572
A familiar going to a
vampire who is not his master
339
00:13:20,583 --> 00:13:22,485
and asking him to turn him?
340
00:13:22,496 --> 00:13:25,318
Now, I am a fan of edgy comedy,
341
00:13:25,698 --> 00:13:28,120
but that is no laughing matter.
342
00:13:28,131 --> 00:13:29,589
[LASZLO] I'm not
entirely sure we should be
343
00:13:29,600 --> 00:13:32,064
talking about any of this out loud.
344
00:13:32,075 --> 00:13:33,970
[GUILLERMO] But it's okay. I
was just saying hypothetically.
345
00:13:34,003 --> 00:13:36,831
[LASZLO] Hypothetically,
what you are talking about
346
00:13:36,842 --> 00:13:38,877
is the greatest humiliation
347
00:13:38,888 --> 00:13:42,225
a familiar could bestow upon his master.
348
00:13:43,646 --> 00:13:45,879
If that were to happen, Guillermo...
349
00:13:48,722 --> 00:13:50,220
then I will kill you.
350
00:13:51,792 --> 00:13:54,805
I would not like to do it,
but I would have to do it.
351
00:13:54,816 --> 00:13:56,793
And then I would kill myself,
352
00:13:56,804 --> 00:13:58,699
which I would not like either.
353
00:13:58,710 --> 00:14:03,799
There are some things
about which we do not joke.
354
00:14:03,810 --> 00:14:05,281
[COLIN] Obee-kaybee.
355
00:14:05,292 --> 00:14:10,173
I have six plates of veggie
dumplings and a chocolate pudding.
356
00:14:10,184 --> 00:14:12,914
- [LASZLO] That looks...
- [NADJA] Mm, brown.
357
00:14:12,999 --> 00:14:15,673
- Thank you.
- [LASZLO] ... like shit.
358
00:14:21,145 --> 00:14:24,906
Well, it was a nice
dinner, so you have had a
359
00:14:24,917 --> 00:14:27,070
to distract you from the
fact you will soon die.
360
00:14:27,081 --> 00:14:29,216
- You are welcome.
- Hear, hear. Well said.
361
00:14:29,227 --> 00:14:31,309
And, for your birthday wish,
362
00:14:31,320 --> 00:14:33,324
we all promise to do a much better job
363
00:14:33,357 --> 00:14:36,246
of blending in, as you requested.
364
00:14:36,257 --> 00:14:37,816
I guess I'll see you back at the hou...
365
00:14:37,827 --> 00:14:41,094
Okay. I'm just gonna get
some stuff at the mall.
366
00:14:41,283 --> 00:14:43,452
What is "mawrl?"
367
00:14:45,161 --> 00:14:47,161
-[NANDOR] [GASPS] I have heard
-[LASZLO] Oh, ho!
368
00:14:47,172 --> 00:14:50,275
about this thing called mall.
369
00:14:50,286 --> 00:14:53,522
But I thought it was a myth, a rumor,
370
00:14:53,533 --> 00:14:56,962
a fairy tale made up by an insane child.
371
00:14:56,973 --> 00:14:58,833
- This, I have to see.
- [GUILLERMO] Maybe I shouldn't
372
00:14:58,849 --> 00:15:00,678
have mentioned anything
about the mall. That's on me.
373
00:15:00,689 --> 00:15:02,179
I take responsibility for that.
374
00:15:02,190 --> 00:15:05,343
Okay, this is the mall.
375
00:15:05,354 --> 00:15:08,975
Just sit down and people-watch,
do whatever you want
376
00:15:08,986 --> 00:15:10,220
while sitting down.
377
00:15:10,231 --> 00:15:12,918
I'm gonna get some new
glasses and a footlocker
378
00:15:12,929 --> 00:15:14,786
- and then we can go home.
- It is rising!
379
00:15:14,797 --> 00:15:16,038
- [GUILLERMO] That's an elevator.
- Ah.
380
00:15:16,049 --> 00:15:18,146
- So just stay here.
- Great.
381
00:15:18,157 --> 00:15:20,103
- Yes, we understand.
- [GUILLERMO] Okay, great.
382
00:15:20,114 --> 00:15:21,380
- I'll be right back.
- [DOLL NADJA] All right. Yeah.
383
00:15:21,391 --> 00:15:23,313
[NADJA] I'm gonna get
you some new knickers.
384
00:15:23,324 --> 00:15:24,785
What is Sephora?
385
00:15:24,796 --> 00:15:28,204
[NANDOR] Gilly's Gifts. Very nice.
386
00:15:28,215 --> 00:15:30,445
This mall has a Guillermo's Gifts?
387
00:15:30,478 --> 00:15:32,804
Uh, I'm not sure.
388
00:15:33,171 --> 00:15:35,842
That is fine. I will explore.
389
00:15:35,936 --> 00:15:38,984
I would like you to tell
me more about this product.
390
00:15:38,995 --> 00:15:41,190
- [CASHIER] Well, that's Shrek.
- Great.
391
00:15:41,201 --> 00:15:43,456
Ring me up. And also...
392
00:15:43,467 --> 00:15:46,882
I would like you to honor
these special coupons.
393
00:15:46,893 --> 00:15:51,195
I will honor this coupon
for a free oil change
394
00:15:51,206 --> 00:15:53,727
that expired 18 years ago...
395
00:15:53,738 --> 00:15:55,922
- Yes.
- ... and this one that's
396
00:15:55,934 --> 00:16:00,365
just a cut-out photo of Ryan
Seacrest from a magazine.
397
00:16:01,487 --> 00:16:04,009
- Will it work?
- Yes, of course it will work.
398
00:16:04,020 --> 00:16:07,381
We are going to fix this,
and this is how we do it.
399
00:16:07,728 --> 00:16:08,886
Sorry about that.
400
00:16:08,897 --> 00:16:10,865
- So, did we make a selection?
- Yes.
401
00:16:10,876 --> 00:16:13,575
I am looking for the
exact proportions of
402
00:16:13,586 --> 00:16:17,220
Venus herself when her pussy
was serving witches tea,
403
00:16:17,231 --> 00:16:19,792
nipples so sharp they're
on the most wanted list,
404
00:16:19,804 --> 00:16:22,168
and a taint that can
sign its own checks.
405
00:16:22,179 --> 00:16:26,466
Uh... I meant more like,
which hat did you want?
406
00:16:26,477 --> 00:16:29,332
Oh, yes. Rainbow sombrero for sure.
407
00:16:29,365 --> 00:16:31,096
- [LAUGHS]
- [CHUCKLES] Okay.
408
00:16:31,107 --> 00:16:33,333
- [GROANS]
- What is wrong now?
409
00:16:33,344 --> 00:16:36,471
[SPEAKS GREEK] You didn't
even ask for my opinion.
410
00:16:36,482 --> 00:16:38,008
What the hell are you talking about?
411
00:16:38,019 --> 00:16:40,528
Did you not hear what
I said about the taint?
412
00:16:40,539 --> 00:16:44,030
Malls are fascinating places
full of fascinating things.
413
00:16:44,041 --> 00:16:45,066
[LAUGHS]
414
00:16:45,077 --> 00:16:46,329
That's a baby village.
415
00:16:46,340 --> 00:16:48,583
Makes sense to keep
them all in one place.
416
00:16:48,594 --> 00:16:49,868
That's called London Shoes.
417
00:16:49,879 --> 00:16:51,680
Now, if those shoes
were really from London,
418
00:16:51,691 --> 00:16:53,359
they'd be covered in shit.
419
00:16:53,666 --> 00:16:54,983
Bikini Warehouse.
420
00:16:54,994 --> 00:16:57,833
- Must be a front for a brothel.
- [CLERK] Excuse me.
421
00:16:57,844 --> 00:17:00,527
- Hi. Would you like to sample our new scent, Noir?
- No, fuck off.
422
00:17:00,538 --> 00:17:03,420
Can't be sidetracked
with cheap sex potions.
423
00:17:03,431 --> 00:17:04,798
Question still remains.
424
00:17:04,957 --> 00:17:06,625
What is Gizmo up to?
425
00:17:17,025 --> 00:17:19,952
[NANDOR] Hyah! Prepare to be pillaged!
426
00:17:20,390 --> 00:17:21,960
- Laszlo!
- Shut up.
427
00:17:21,971 --> 00:17:23,826
- I found John!
- Idiot.
428
00:17:23,837 --> 00:17:25,387
- [NANDOR] It's John!
- Fucking idiot.
429
00:17:25,398 --> 00:17:28,554
[NANDOR EXCLAIMS] Make
this thing go faster!
430
00:17:28,565 --> 00:17:31,465
[GUILLERMO] That was, uh, some
pretty heavy stuff at dinner, huh?
431
00:17:31,476 --> 00:17:33,114
[CHUCKLES]
432
00:17:33,125 --> 00:17:36,582
Just stuff I did not
even, I didn't even...
433
00:17:36,593 --> 00:17:37,729
[CLICKS TONGUE]
434
00:17:38,047 --> 00:17:39,450
... know.
435
00:17:40,795 --> 00:17:42,245
Sorry. [SHORT CHUCKLE]
436
00:17:42,256 --> 00:17:44,569
Where was I? Um...
437
00:17:45,168 --> 00:17:47,838
I was hemorrhaging
profusely, uh, about to die.
438
00:17:47,954 --> 00:17:50,363
- You good?
- [GRUNTS] Yeah.
439
00:17:50,643 --> 00:17:52,144
- Yeah, I think so.
- Well, that's good.
440
00:17:52,155 --> 00:17:54,381
- 'Cause I haven't done it yet.
- Oh, dude.
441
00:17:54,392 --> 00:17:55,836
Other people's blood I'm fine with.
442
00:17:55,847 --> 00:17:58,137
But the sight of my own? No, thank you.
443
00:17:58,148 --> 00:17:59,644
You know, when I think
about fainting, I faint.
444
00:17:59,655 --> 00:18:01,597
- [GASPS]
- [GRUNTS]
445
00:18:01,769 --> 00:18:03,619
It's really hard to break the skin.
446
00:18:03,750 --> 00:18:05,585
- Um...
- I'm running out of time here, buddy.
447
00:18:05,596 --> 00:18:08,126
Here. Why don't you slice
me up with this box cutter?
448
00:18:08,137 --> 00:18:09,305
Are you sure? It's gonna hurt.
449
00:18:09,316 --> 00:18:12,068
- I'm a vampire. I think I can handle it.
- Okay.
450
00:18:14,322 --> 00:18:15,866
- Did you do it?
- Yeah, I did.
451
00:18:15,877 --> 00:18:17,209
- But don't look because...
- Don't look at what?
452
00:18:17,220 --> 00:18:18,442
- Oh, shit.
- No, Derek.
453
00:18:18,453 --> 00:18:19,755
No.
454
00:18:25,106 --> 00:18:28,616
The deed is done. The die is cast.
455
00:18:29,294 --> 00:18:31,674
There's no turning... [GROANING]
456
00:18:33,981 --> 00:18:35,816
♪ ♪
457
00:18:39,690 --> 00:18:40,839
Derek.
458
00:18:42,240 --> 00:18:43,368
Toilet again.
459
00:18:43,379 --> 00:18:44,680
[GASPS]
460
00:18:44,840 --> 00:18:46,159
Oh...
461
00:18:46,170 --> 00:18:48,544
Okay, sorry, dude, I got
to go take care of this.
462
00:18:48,555 --> 00:18:50,612
Oh, shit. Dude?
463
00:18:50,881 --> 00:18:52,596
- Dude?
- [GRUNTS]
464
00:18:58,161 --> 00:18:59,630
So, yeah.
465
00:19:01,192 --> 00:19:02,461
That's where we're at.
466
00:19:07,509 --> 00:19:09,516
[GUILLERMO] It seems to be a process.
467
00:19:09,622 --> 00:19:13,428
I thought the transformation
would be faster,
468
00:19:13,439 --> 00:19:15,541
but I haven't drank blood.
469
00:19:15,552 --> 00:19:17,580
I can still eat human foods.
470
00:19:17,827 --> 00:19:21,563
In fact, my appetite for
very rare meat is ravenous.
471
00:19:24,074 --> 00:19:26,476
My teeth are totally normal and...
472
00:19:26,750 --> 00:19:28,785
I don't feel any sexier.
473
00:19:29,277 --> 00:19:31,513
I can still go out into the sun.
474
00:19:34,388 --> 00:19:36,824
I can't fly or turn into a bat. Yet.
475
00:19:36,835 --> 00:19:37,917
Bat!
476
00:19:38,708 --> 00:19:40,176
Human form.
477
00:19:40,499 --> 00:19:44,961
I thought the transformation would
be overnight, but it's been 16 days.
478
00:19:44,972 --> 00:19:47,030
Which is why I've been
keeping it a secret.
479
00:19:47,663 --> 00:19:49,339
I was kind of holding off for that big
480
00:19:49,350 --> 00:19:51,385
"wow factor" for the
reveal, but at this point,
481
00:19:51,418 --> 00:19:53,044
I don't even think I
should tell them because...
482
00:19:53,055 --> 00:19:55,596
- [OPTOMETRIST] Mr. de la Corz?
- Uh, so sorry about that.
483
00:19:55,607 --> 00:19:56,848
De la Cruz? That's me.
484
00:19:56,859 --> 00:19:58,175
- De la Cruz.
- Hi.
485
00:19:58,209 --> 00:20:00,612
How long have you been wearing
glasses with this prescription?
486
00:20:00,644 --> 00:20:02,787
Oh, since I was three or four?
487
00:20:02,798 --> 00:20:03,981
I-I don't know who screwed up here,
488
00:20:04,014 --> 00:20:06,946
but you actually don't
need glasses at all.
489
00:20:06,957 --> 00:20:10,173
According to the eye exam you just did,
you have 20/20 vision.
490
00:20:10,184 --> 00:20:12,411
It's actually better than 20/20 vision.
491
00:20:12,422 --> 00:20:13,691
- Whoa.
- Yeah.
492
00:20:13,863 --> 00:20:16,025
Well, that is...
493
00:20:16,059 --> 00:20:18,582
a super power.
494
00:20:18,827 --> 00:20:21,453
- Wow, that's... Wow.
- So, right now, you're wearing
495
00:20:21,464 --> 00:20:23,699
a very strong
prescription for no reason.
496
00:20:23,732 --> 00:20:25,057
- Let's stop doing that.
- Let's stop doing that.
497
00:20:25,067 --> 00:20:26,225
- Yeah. [CHUCKLES]
- Yeah, okay.
498
00:20:26,235 --> 00:20:28,437
Would it be possible to just get a pair
499
00:20:28,470 --> 00:20:30,284
without a prescription?
500
00:20:30,295 --> 00:20:34,275
Just, I don't want people
to think I look... different.
501
00:20:34,447 --> 00:20:38,646
- Uh, yeah. Sure. You want the same frames or...
- [CHIMES RINGING]
502
00:20:42,490 --> 00:20:44,458
[NANDOR] Did you enjoy your birthday?
503
00:20:44,560 --> 00:20:46,053
It was all right, Master.
504
00:20:46,087 --> 00:20:48,006
I guess I wasn't really that hungry.
505
00:20:48,017 --> 00:20:49,818
And that is okay.
506
00:20:50,015 --> 00:20:51,284
Do the other side.
507
00:20:51,552 --> 00:20:53,259
- Master?
- Mm-hmm?
508
00:20:53,270 --> 00:20:55,471
If I accidentally
509
00:20:55,701 --> 00:20:57,520
got made into a vampire...
510
00:20:57,531 --> 00:20:59,120
- Mm-hmm?
- ... by somebody else,
511
00:20:59,131 --> 00:21:00,632
you wouldn't really...
512
00:21:01,286 --> 00:21:02,820
kill me, would you?
513
00:21:03,770 --> 00:21:05,437
Accidentally, you say?
514
00:21:06,212 --> 00:21:09,848
- Yes.
- Not intentionally?
515
00:21:11,037 --> 00:21:14,237
No, I guess... not.
516
00:21:14,248 --> 00:21:17,485
I'd still have to kill you.
What choice would I have?
517
00:21:17,813 --> 00:21:21,522
What about "vampire shall
not kill other vampire"?
518
00:21:21,533 --> 00:21:22,893
Guillermo, I don't like
519
00:21:22,904 --> 00:21:25,699
hypothetical brain-ticklers
before bedtime.
520
00:21:25,710 --> 00:21:27,403
- You know this.
- Right.
521
00:21:27,414 --> 00:21:29,160
Makes my head heat up.
522
00:21:29,371 --> 00:21:34,176
How's about a nice bedtime story?
523
00:21:34,187 --> 00:21:38,574
Okay. I did see this very
interesting movie the other night.
524
00:21:38,585 --> 00:21:41,683
- Oh, tell me.
- It was about this guy.
525
00:21:41,694 --> 00:21:44,264
- And he got turned into a vampire.
- [GASPS]
526
00:21:44,275 --> 00:21:45,885
- Really?
- Yeah.
527
00:21:45,896 --> 00:21:47,846
But then he realizes that maybe
528
00:21:47,857 --> 00:21:51,162
he wasn't ready to be
turned into a vampire.
529
00:21:51,173 --> 00:21:52,175
Why not?
530
00:21:53,372 --> 00:21:56,652
He had his reasons.
But then he tries to find a way to
531
00:21:56,686 --> 00:21:58,677
stop the process of becoming
a vampire and rever...
532
00:21:58,687 --> 00:22:00,022
Guillermo, please.
533
00:22:00,511 --> 00:22:04,560
I don't like science-fiction stories
before bedtime either.
534
00:22:05,203 --> 00:22:07,529
- Yeah.
- That reminds me.
535
00:22:07,752 --> 00:22:09,719
I got you a birthday present.
536
00:22:09,809 --> 00:22:12,524
I heard you when you said
you wanted a footlocker.
537
00:22:12,535 --> 00:22:17,036
[SINGSONGY] So I got you a footlocker.
538
00:22:17,047 --> 00:22:18,652
- [GUILLERMO] Thank you, Master.
- Yes.
539
00:22:18,663 --> 00:22:21,731
You are welcome. Close the lid. [SIGHS]
540
00:22:21,742 --> 00:22:24,612
["SECRETS IN THE MOONLIGHT"
BY HARRY JAMES PLAYING]
541
00:22:34,060 --> 00:22:37,085
[GUILLERMO] Being a vampire is
no different than being a human.
542
00:22:37,175 --> 00:22:39,874
We're all just doing
what it takes to survive.
543
00:22:43,546 --> 00:22:46,149
We go on about our day.
544
00:22:46,270 --> 00:22:47,273
Blend in.
545
00:22:49,067 --> 00:22:50,969
Act like everyone else.
546
00:22:53,607 --> 00:22:55,876
But the truth is
547
00:22:55,953 --> 00:22:57,888
we're all just hiding in plain sight.
548
00:22:59,710 --> 00:23:04,015
♪ Secrets in the moonlight ♪
549
00:23:04,048 --> 00:23:07,717
♪ Whispers in the dark with you ♪
550
00:23:07,751 --> 00:23:10,988
♪ Secrets in the moonlight ♪
551
00:23:12,222 --> 00:23:16,059
♪ Silent fire kiss or two ♪
552
00:23:16,092 --> 00:23:20,056
♪ When there are moonbeams ♪
553
00:23:20,067 --> 00:23:24,534
♪ Dancing on your cheek ♪
554
00:23:24,888 --> 00:23:28,037
♪ My darling, every dream ♪
555
00:23:28,300 --> 00:23:30,135
♪ I've ever had ♪
556
00:23:30,146 --> 00:23:33,275
♪ Comes true ♪
557
00:23:33,472 --> 00:23:38,787
♪ When I share secrets
in the moonlight ♪
558
00:23:38,798 --> 00:23:40,644
♪ With you. ♪
559
00:23:41,111 --> 00:23:46,111
- Synced and corrected by naFraC -
- www.addic7ed.com -
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