All language subtitles for Only Fools and Horses S01E02 - Go West Young Man

Just touching the cone and
also just touching the plane.

And the two points where the
spheres touch the plane...

Alright, here's where our
future lies Rodney, second-hand

motors! This time next year
we'll be millionaires!

I dreamed I was drowning last night!

Here, the way I see it is this,
the government,

they're going to have to ban the import of
foreign cars to save our car industry.

But the unions won't stand
for that - because that

smacks of racialism - so
they'll all go out on strike!

That'll mean you won't be able
to buy a new car for love nor money!

No.

No, no, that is it Rodney.
Britain's future lies

fairly and squarely in the
second-hand car game.

What did you say just
now? You dreamt that you were drowning?

Is that a gentle way of trying to tell
us that last night you wet the bed?

No, it's not! I'm just
depressed that's all, and

these cornflakes aren't
making me feel any better!

Honestly Rodney, you make my teeth itch.
I've asked

you before, and I've asked
you again - phone her!

She knows I won't phone her first!

How does she know that you
won't phone her first?

Did you tell her that you
wouldn't phone her first?

- No!
- No, well go and phone her and tell her.

Oh that's stupid!

No, it's not, it's no more
stupid than the moody you're in.

Why is it whenever you're getting
your end away, the skies are blue,

the lager's cool
and England are gonna win the World Cup.

And just because some
little tart with fat thighs

gives you the elbow, you're
in a fit of depression.

She has not given me the elbow!
Monica and I are having

difficulties getting it all
together on a one-to-one basis.

So my mate, Mickey Pearce
-now he's lived with a woman

- he advised us to have a
two-week trial separation.

A two-week trial separation? Cor, come
on, you've only known her for two weeks!

What is it then Rodney, a fortnight on,
a fortnight off like sentry duty?

I am not going to phone
her Grandad, that's all

there is to it! Plenty
more chicks around.

Yeah, alright then - well come on.
I reckon your

best bet is to have a blind
date with a Samaritan!

I'll survive Del. And Monica
has not got fat thighs!

- She's got fat thighs!
- She has not!

Look, I was down the Nag's Head disco last
night and either she's got fat thighs

or she was bopping the night away in a
pair of jodhpurs!

Monica was out dancing?

Yeah! Here, with your mate
Mickey Pearce as it happens!

Oh yes - this came in with a
Chesterfield and a gross of

electric toothbrushes as a
part-chop on a Vanden Plas.

Still, clean it up a bit,
couple of new tyres!

Yeah, yeah, a new engine, new body,
and you've got a nice little motor.

There's 98,000 miles on the
clock! Is that genuine?

Shut up Rodney. Be honest Boycie, I
mean seriously, it's a bit of a pig!

Well what d'you want for 50
quid?

Ah, well now you're talking!
I'll take that.

What do you want, cheque or shall I
give it to you with the old readies?

You would an' all wouldn't you?

Oh certainly. No, no, it's
handsome though, innit?

You know it's only E-Type
Jaguars and Sebastian Coe

that can make me feel proud
to be British these days!

Yeah, I know what you mean Boycie. Why
haven't you go this up at the front?

It's not for sale Del, my old mate.
As a matter of

fact I'm looking for a place
to hide it for a week.

I bought it as a birthday present.
I'm dead scared

the wife's gonna see it
and suss it all out.

Spoil the surprise?

Spoil everything Rodney, it's
a birthday present for my bit on the side!

You what?

His bit on the side, his bit...
Never mind Boycie.

It's so long since Rodney had a bit on the
side he didn't know they'd moved it!

Wait a minute! Hang about... Mon dieu,
you want to hide this for a week, right?

We've got an empty garage
round on the estate.

I can pop it in there
for you if you like.

Be handy Del, save me a lot of
aggro. Right well. I owe you one Del.

No, forget it Boycie. I mean
if you can't do a pal a

favour without expecting
something in return! I mean...

How much did you say you wanted
for that again?

What's the matter? Brakes a bit
spongy are they?

Brakes! What bloody brakes? I nearly
killed myself Del! It's a death trap!

What do you expect for 25 quid?

- Your shock absorber's gone!
- Well it has now!

- What's it like?
- What's what like?

The car you dingo, what you think I'm
talking about, yer flaming coffee?

The car? Oh well, you know,
it's er... it's... it's...

It's a bit over-priced!

It's a bit over-priced, yeah,
that's what I was going to say!

Says 23,000 on the clock! Is
that genuine?

23... Well the last time I
looked there was over...

22,500, quite right Rodney. No I had
the RAC do a 500-mile road test on it.

Well you know better safe
than sorry that's what

I always say. It's
beautiful though isn't it?

Beautiful. What do you think?
Son et lumiere wouldn't you say?

Well, I don't know if I'd go
quite that far!

Oh yeah, I mean, look at this
eh? Genuine leather upholstery that.

Where would you find genuine leather
upholstery like that these days, huh?

Do you know what the
East African gazelle

became an endangered
species for this model,

sacrifice well made I'd say wouldn't you?

No, it's an enthusiast's
model this one and I can

see that you are, in fact,
a genuine enthusiast!

Don't give me that crap mate!
I can make up me own mind

and I don't need any help
from no Cockney villain!

Cockney villain! Cockney Villain! Now
there's no need to be like that sir,

I mean after all the British
and the Australians

are cousins across
the sea, ain't they.

I mean if your great
grandad hadn't have been a

bloody villain you could
have been one of us!

Say no more. C'est la vie. San fairy ann.
Allow me to point

out some of the optional extras
on this one, sir, for you.

Look at that; the anti-dazzle mirror.

In here you'll notice
that we've got the old -

look at that - the one
- speed wiper, and...

...er, we've got automatic windows. Oh yeah
a perfect example of the sporting tourer,

and of course, it comes complete with a
full two-weeks MOT still left to run.

How many owners?

How many owners? I'm glad you
asked me that sir.

Because it's only had the one owner from
new... and that, of course, was a vicar!

- A vicar?
- A vicar!

A vicar! Used to use it
to drive backwards and

forwards to church on a
Sunday that was all.

Oh look at that. Only left his
Bible in the glove compartment.

As I was walking through Earl's
Court. Into a pub I was lured.

Where a nosy Pom said, 'Where you from?'
as I downed the amber fluid.

I said 'Get it straight, I'm an Aussie
mate. And I'm fixing to get plastered.

But the beer is crook. And the birds
all look. Like you, you Pommy...'

Grandad.

Cheers Del Boy.

Alright. Go out and buy yourself
a crate of Odour Etares.

Yeah. I've heard they're good!

Oh they are - they are.
Blood murder to swallow

though! Here, where's
Peckham's conscience?

Oh he's in his room pining about
that little fat bird! Women!

You wouldn't remember when I
married yer Grandmother!

The first night we was in bed
and - well you know Del!

What?

Well, doing what you do when
the lights are out!

Holding a seance, was you?

No! You know what I mean!
Anyhow, right in the

middle of it, d'you know
what she said to me?

No, what?

She said 'What d'you fancy for
dinner tomorrow?

- What d'you fancy for dinner tomorrow!
- Bad innit?

Bet that didn't happen to Omar
Sharif! Anyway what did you say?

- Steak and Kidney pudding I think!
- Isn't love wonderful!

Aye up. Look out the room is
full. Where you going? Fancy dress party?

No I'm gonna do what Monica was
doing last night.

Oh going dancing with Mickey
Pearce are you?

No! I'm going out - I'm gonna
paint the town red - rip it up a bit!

Oh yeah, where you going,
Streatham?

No, I'm not going to Steatham
Del! I'm gonna hit a few clubs up West.

- What? You up West?
- Yeah

You'd need a bloody compass to
find it, you would.

I am often up West Del, I'm one
of the faces!

One of the faces! Do me a favour
Rodney.

Two halves of lager
at the British Legion

Club is like a walk on
the wild side for you!

Just leave me to live my own life would
you! And what do you mean 'fancy dress'?

Well just - wonder why you were hitting the
West End looking like a praying mantis.

Just lay off me Del. Is
that the money from the

Cortina? That death-trap
you sold to Skippy?

Yes, look, there was
nothing wrong with that car!

Nothing wrong!

The oil light stayed on, the
steering didn't always go

the way you wanted it to and
the brakes didn't work!

A few minor faults. Anyway, the
oil light didn't stay on, I fixed it.

You mean you actually went to
the trouble of changing the oil?

No, I took the bulb out.

You are great you are Del.
I mean, you've

done some pretty doubtful
things in your time

but I never thought you'd stoop
to selling instant motorway madness!

Oh shut up you tart!

That money is immoral -
that is your handful of

silver Del. That is nothing
more than blood money!

Oh, oh is it? Oh yeah.

- Alright then.
- Oi, half of that's mine!

Now you see what I mean
don't you eh, Grandad? That

is the mentality of your
spoon fed student type.

They walk around all day
with Steve Bilko written

on their T-shirts
spouting about humanity,

when it comes down to a
fight over a torn fiver

they make Genghis Khan
look like a pacifist!

Look I was merely stating
a fact that half of

that is mine. It don't
mean to say I want it!

Oh I see - don't want
this money then Rodney, eh?

No.

Oh, what bind, I'll have to
spend it all myself then

won't I, eh? Oh well, still
going out are you Rodney?

Er... Yeah... Do you er, fancy tagging
along Del, I'll show you some of my clubs.

No, no, no really. Look if you're hard up
for a bit of company I'll come, alright.

Hey, hard up for company, you must be
joking. I've got hundreds of friends!

Oh - oh that's alright then -
good.

Yeah. There's the cats from the
evening class for a start.

Cats? Where you going Rodney?
Dancing or ratting?

Ratting I like that.

It means ravers Grandad, swingers!
And these guys

really live it up Del, and
when I say live I mean live!

Yeah, there's Dave and Bob...
Mike and, and Tony, George...

- Jim.
- Jim... yeah.

- Why don't you go and give 'em a bell?
- Who?

You know, the Beautiful People
from the evening institute!

Er, they're not on the phone

What, you mean all these
swingers ain't got a

phone between 'em? Are
they on the electric yet?

Alright, alright! Well, you
coming with me, then?

No, no, I'll pop down the Nag's
Head for a light ale later on.

Well your loss Del. I'll
tell you all about it in

the morning then, assuming
I'm back in the morning.

Yeah alright.

- Well are you coming or not then?
- No!

- Ok then... Well here I go!
- Yeah, see yer then.

- I'll give the birds your regards shall I?
- Yeah, you do that, it's triffic.

Right, well we have take off!

Well make up your mind Del,
you coming or not?

You bloody kids! They can't
even enjoy themselves today can they, eh!

Alright, come on
soppy, let's go and rip it up!

Well if you want to tag
along that's fine by

me Del! Er, if you can
pay for your own way.

Pay for... don't worry, I've got
the money.

I've got the keys to
the van and all -

Grandad, go easy on the
iron jelloids tonight.

We're not going up West in a
three-wheeled van are we?

I certainly ain't walking it
Rodders!

Yeah but I mean it's
all about images init

Del. I mean you're very
suave and debonair.

Yeah well I s'pose I am a bit
ostentatious really. Yeah I am, aren't I?

Still, if I drive, you hide down behind the
dashboard and no one will see us arrive.

What do you mean no one
will see us arrive?

I want people to see
me arrive don't I, eh?

In a three-wheeled van? Still,
got no choice have we?

Yes we have! Yes we have, we
can take Boycie's E-Type Jag!

The Jag! Are you sure Del, well
upon your shoulders be it son, let's go.

Is it always as dark as
this in here or are they

holding a dummy run for a
coal miners' convention?

I dunno!

What do you mean you dunno? I thought you
said this was one of your regular clubs.

Well I might have exaggerated
a bit when I said regular.

How many times have you been
here then?

Never!

Never? What you bring us in
here for then?

It looked alright from the outside!

It looked alright from the outside!
That's what

the Christians said about
the coliseum, you berk!

Not much action for a nightclub
is there!

No, probably something to do with the
fact that it's only half past seven!

It's the last time I
come out with you Rodney!

Is that a promise
you moaning git?

Oi, watch it you. Ah Garcon la
petite pois!

- Parlez vous Fracais?
- Jawohl!

Yes! What can I get for you?

- Um, I'd like a Caribbean Stallion.
- Wouldn't we all dear! What is it?

It's an exotic cocktail ain't
it, specially created for

the discerning palates of
the international jet-set!

Roger Moore drank one in
Live and Let Die.

I wouldn't put anything past her.

Eh? Yeah well you'd better
write this down hadn't you?

What you want is a shot
of Tequila and a shot

of coconut rum and one
of Creme de Menthe.

Then you want a
smidgin, just a smidgin, of Campari,

with the merest
suggestion of Angostura bitters.

Right, you top that up
with fresh grapefruit

juice, and you shake it
- do not stir - right.

Pour that slowly over broken ice.
Garnish with a slice of

orange, slice of lime, your
occasional seasonal fruits.

Top that off with a
decorative plastic

umbrella, two translucent
straws and - voila!

- Right! And for you?
- Half a lager please.

Half a lager... Reg Varney drank
one of them in Holiday on the Buses!

- Is he a bit funny?
- I dunno.

He's definitely a bandit that one.
Tonight

we dance with our backs
to the wall, Rodney!

Wonder what Monica's doing now?

Well, why don't you phone
Mickey Pearce, he might

be able to throw some
light on the subject!

I don't talk to him no more!

Hey look - come on, I'm
your brother ain't I

eh? You can tell me.
What broke you two up?

What do you mean 'What broke us up?'
I found out he was dating Monica!

No, not you and Mickey bloody
Pearce - you and the fat bird!

Oh! Well, she thought I was
weird! Well not so much weird, more warped!

Warped?

Yeah. See I've got this fantasy!
Uniforms, they turn me on!

Uniforms? You mean like postmen
and that?

No, women in uniforms. Nurses, air
hostesses and my favourites, policewomen.

Policewomen? But they nick you.
So what you're

trying to tell me is
that this Monica bird,

the sort of like didn't go a bundle on this
dressing up idea? Is that - that right?

Oh I didn't tell her, I tried
to do it without her knowing.

How the hell do you dress someone up
as Juliet Bravo without them twigging?

I was going to do it
gradually, over a period

of time. Last week was
her birthday, right,

so I bought her one of
them blue serge suits

that Paddy the Greek
was selling, right.

I already got her the hat,
white with navy blue peak...

and then for Valentine's Day
I was going to get her some black stockings

and some of them sensible walking brogues
right... then for Christmas...

A whistle and a set of handcuffs!
Blimey you

were lucky she gave you
the elbow when she did,

those Panda cars cost a bomb you know.
Monica's right about you, you know

you're a pervo Rodney. That is immoral, you
know that, don't you?

Immoral! Today you
sold a clapped-out

Batmobile with no brakes.
That's immoral, son

There was nothing wrong with
that car. It went didn't it?

Oh it went, yeah, just didn't stop.
You're like the chairman

of a cigarette company joining
the Festival of Light.

You can die for my profit, but don't
play with yourself in between.

Alright, alright Rodney. Yeah, well I
didn't mean the geezer no harm did I?

I'll pop round and see him tomorrow and pay
to have his brakes repaired. How's that?

That's good. If you do that for
me I'll tell you what I'll do for you.

You'll stop thinking about
policewomen?

No, I'll accept my 50 per
cent of the profits.

Oh my cup runneth over.

Half a lager for sir and
a Caribbean Stallion

for Mandingo. That'll
be seven pounds.

Seven quid, blimey I can get
that for three quid where I come from.

Oh you're from Jersey, are
you? Enjoy your stay.

What's he on about Jersey?

By the way, the barman said would you
like some evaporated milk with that?

Tell the barman to go and get
stuffed.

- Thank you, sir.
- Oh - thank you sir.

No not yet it's only twenty to eight.
If we pull

them now we'll have to buy
them drinks all night.

But we could take them back to
the flat.

Hey that's an idea, I've got 24 litres of
that Yugoslavian Riesling in the garage.

We could pop old Grandad in the meter
cupboard and have ourselves a little party.

Yeah, yeah, go on Del. You can charm a
tortoise out of a shell you can. Go on.

Okay. Now you look, learn and
listen, right.

- Drink up, we're leaving
- Oh you are great, you are.

You're the last miracle
left in the world.

Shut up and drink will yer!

- Yeah, yeah, are they a couple of ravers?
- They're a couple of geezers.

- I'm sorry.
- What?

- I said I'm sorry!
- Shut up.

I didn't know it was that sort
of place, did I?

A right bleeding night I've had.
Become a member

of a gay club, discovered
me brother's a pervo,

had a close encounter
with two dockers in drag!

You'd better not tell
anybody about this, Rodney.

I've got my macho reputation to uphold.

I'm warning you, if one
person - just one - calls

me the Naked Civil Servant,
and I'll kill you.

Don't be silly Del.
I'm hardly gonna go round bragging

I saw my own brother trying to date
a couple of transvestites am I?

What? It was you who clocked
them you - just shut up, shut up will you.

- Del.
- Shut up.

Corner table to your left. A
couple of birds.

Oh don't start that again,
a couple of birds. It's

probably Hinge and Bracket
out having a pint.

These are definitely feminine Del, all the
lumps are in the right places this time.

Yeah, where?

No, I don't mean like that you
wally, I mean where here?

Yes that will definitely suit
me. Right, come on, bellies in!

Let's just be ourselves
this time shall we? None of

your embarrassing lies! And
don't try an' put me down!

Alright! Alright! And
don't you say I'm 35.

Alright!

Come on then, into action.

Whoops, sorry, look at
that just dropped the

keys to the white
alpine E-Type Jaguar,

eight track stereo, leather-look steering
wheel! It's not my car, it's his.

Yeah, yeah, it's my car!
Cheers Del!

That's alright. We're just
using it while they service my Ferrari!

He's 35!

Sit down will you - sit down
Rodney, keep yer brains warm!

Go on son. You didn't mind if
we join you girls do you, no? Good.

This is my brother Rodney,
and I'm Del, that's

short for Derek, nice name that innit eh
- Derek?

Yeah, very nice. I'm
Nicky, this is Michele.

Nicky and Michele,
they're nice names!

Yes! Not as nice as Derek
though, is it, that name?

Oh no, not a patch on Derek!

Do you come here often?

I don't believe you, I don't
believe you.

Yes - quite often. I haven't
seen you here before!

No, no, it's because we - you
know - don't come to London very much.

- Oh, where do you come from then?
- Peckham.

Originally from Peckham. But we spend most
of our time abroad now for tax reasons.

You know, yeah, we're on the international
professional tennis circuit.

Yeah, he's an international professional
tennis player and I'm his manager.

You must have heard of Rodney, yeah Rodney.
The sporting press call him Hot Rod.

- Don't think I have. What's the surname?
- Trotter!

Doesn't ring a bell, sorry.

No, no that's because we
generally concentrate

on the big American
tournaments, you see.

Do you ever play Wimbledon?

No, no, we only do the big 'uns!
We've jut come back from the Miami Open...

Really? You're not very
tanned for Miami, are you?

No, no, it was an
indoor tournament.

I mean they call it the Miami Open
and then they go an' hold it indoors.

That's the Yanks or yer though eh?

Anyway we can't complain
like because he won it,

he did beat that Jimmy
Connelly in the final.

Jimmy Connelly? Don't you mean
Jimmy Connors?

No, he knocked that dildo out in
the first round, nine sets to one!

Actually we're only in London to get
Hot Rodney here measured up for a new bat.

It's a racquet!

Bloody is the prices they charge, darling.

No also we thought it might be an idea
to give him some practice on grass you see.

Because over in the States they
use that stuff called Astroturf.

- What do you prefer, Rodney?
- Pardon?

What do you prefer? Astroturf
or grass?

I don't know. I've never smoked
Astroturf.

You wally!

No, no, we're not
really professional tennis players!

- We know!
- We're just having a laugh.

- Yeah, just having a laugh that's all.
- What do you really do?

We're Concorde pilots!

Light me up a cigar will you
Rodders?

We have struck gold here Del Boy!

It's the Klondike my son - the Klondike.
I mean every bloke's dream innit, eh?

Meeting a couple of sorts with their own
pad in Chelsea.

I hope it's a penthouse, because I'm a
penthouse sort of person.

Know what I mean, balconies - rubber
plants, all that game.

Hey if we can see them next
Friday perhaps we can stay for the weekend

- Yeah, watch Match of the Day!
- Yeah, won't have to spend much will we!

Won't have to spend much...

Honestly Rodney, when it comes
down to the nitty gritty you

are completely devoid of any
je ne said quoi ain't yer?

I mean, these aren't your
two halves of Stingo, a

packet of pork scratchings
and Bob's yer uncle type!

No, no, no, we'll
take 'em to a Berni inn! Yes.

I bow to your experience and wallet there
Del. Hey, where' their phone number?

Oh she wrote it down
on my cigar pack.

Ace! What - what cigar
pack's that then Del?

The one I just gave you.

- Del!
- Yeah?

- You know that cigar pack?
- Yeah.

I threw it out the window about
a mile and half back!

Oh that's alright.

You what?
You pranny!

God! I don't believe it. I just
do not believe it!

Now look what you've done Rodney, you've
smashed up Boycie's E-Type Jaguar.

Me? You were driving it.

Don't play bloody word games
with me, Rodney!

What's your game pal. What is
your game, are you blind or something?

I'm really sorry about that mate, but the
brakes on this thing are a bit dicky...

You! I've been looking for you two Flaming
Gollahs all day long... Now come here!