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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:02,120 --> 00:00:08,480 ♪ You never have to feel that the night is yours alone 2 00:00:09,640 --> 00:00:12,279 ♪ Rushing through the stars 3 00:00:12,280 --> 00:00:16,520 ♪ Captivated by the worlds beyond 4 00:00:18,360 --> 00:00:21,519 ♪ You aren't alone 5 00:00:21,520 --> 00:00:25,959 ♪ It's a small world and you've grown. ♪ 6 00:00:25,960 --> 00:00:27,920 This programme contains adult humour 7 00:00:34,400 --> 00:00:39,599 - Who'd have thought! Melanie and Dean, eh? - Oh, yeah. 8 00:00:39,600 --> 00:00:43,359 At it like bunny rabbits, they were, Winnie. Right there on my settee. 9 00:00:43,360 --> 00:00:45,399 - Oh, the mucky devils. 10 00:00:45,400 --> 00:00:47,519 - I haven't been able to sit there since. 11 00:00:47,520 --> 00:00:49,319 You've brought your Vanish? 12 00:00:49,320 --> 00:00:52,559 - I get all the best jobs, me, don't I? 13 00:00:52,560 --> 00:00:55,559 - She gets all this behaviour off her mother, you know? 14 00:00:55,560 --> 00:00:57,959 She's back on her own again. Have I told you? 15 00:00:57,960 --> 00:00:59,799 - Yeah, you told me last week. 16 00:00:59,800 --> 00:01:03,279 - This one was obviously not as soft with her as my Kenny was. 17 00:01:03,280 --> 00:01:04,999 - Well, most men wouldn't be. 18 00:01:05,000 --> 00:01:08,239 - She can't hold on to a man for longer than five minutes. 19 00:01:08,240 --> 00:01:14,799 She's got a right reputation and if our Melanie's not careful, she'll end up the same - a right bloody... 20 00:01:14,800 --> 00:01:17,079 Ooh! Hello, Melanie, love. 21 00:01:17,080 --> 00:01:20,399 - Hiya. Hiya, Winnie. - Hello, love. 22 00:01:20,400 --> 00:01:22,599 - Can I borrow your magazine, Nana? 23 00:01:22,600 --> 00:01:24,560 - Course you can love, feel free. 24 00:01:31,280 --> 00:01:35,759 Kenny hit the roof and turfed Dean out, so Melanie took the hump. 25 00:01:35,760 --> 00:01:37,519 They're still not speaking now. 26 00:01:37,520 --> 00:01:40,679 You could cut the atmosphere with a knife. 27 00:01:40,680 --> 00:01:43,199 She's not said a word to me about it. 28 00:01:43,200 --> 00:01:45,959 Still, I respect her privacy. 29 00:01:45,960 --> 00:01:49,079 She doesn't want to talk to her Grandma about it, does she? 30 00:01:49,080 --> 00:01:53,439 - No. - But she's not even wrote anything about it in her diary. 31 00:01:53,440 --> 00:01:56,719 We haven't seen sight nor sound of Dean since. 32 00:01:56,720 --> 00:01:59,839 - Ah, Ken really liked him and all, didn't he? 33 00:01:59,840 --> 00:02:01,919 He's blotted his copybook now. 34 00:02:01,920 --> 00:02:04,680 - Yeah, he's done the same thing to my settee. 35 00:02:06,640 --> 00:02:09,159 - I'm not obsessed with it, Mam. 36 00:02:09,160 --> 00:02:11,999 I am getting over it, but just hazard a guess. 37 00:02:12,000 --> 00:02:17,279 How many weeks do you think I'd have to work to earn forty grand? 38 00:02:17,280 --> 00:02:20,479 Hello? Hello, Mam? 39 00:02:20,480 --> 00:02:22,999 Mam? 40 00:02:23,000 --> 00:02:27,039 There's something wrong with this phone. - Duffy, I haven't told you, have I? 41 00:02:27,040 --> 00:02:31,559 - Told me what? - Well, you know when we had that quiz last week. - Yeah. 42 00:02:31,560 --> 00:02:37,079 - Well, Debbie told Nicola, who told Tanya, who told my Joan, 43 00:02:37,080 --> 00:02:40,199 been asking if she had any condoms? 44 00:02:40,200 --> 00:02:42,839 - Oh, did she? - Yeah. 45 00:02:42,840 --> 00:02:46,639 You don't thing she's having sex with Dean, do you? 46 00:02:46,640 --> 00:02:48,999 - Either that or she's grown a knob, Eddie. 47 00:02:49,000 --> 00:02:50,679 Course they are. 48 00:02:50,680 --> 00:02:55,919 That's what all the kafuffle was about upstairs last week, when Ken came down fuming. 49 00:02:55,920 --> 00:02:57,839 - She'd not asked him for one, had she? 50 00:02:57,840 --> 00:03:00,519 - Had she balls. He caught 'em at it, didn't he? 51 00:03:00,520 --> 00:03:02,799 - Oh, I see. 52 00:03:02,800 --> 00:03:08,039 She wants to be careful, a young girl like that having sex. 53 00:03:08,040 --> 00:03:13,079 If she ends up having a child she'll realise one day she's made a big mistake. - Oh, I know. 54 00:03:13,080 --> 00:03:14,439 - Yeah. 55 00:03:14,440 --> 00:03:20,599 She'll blame it for ruining her life and she'll wish it'd never have happened. 56 00:03:20,600 --> 00:03:23,879 - How do you know all this, Eddie? You've never had any kids. 57 00:03:23,880 --> 00:03:26,480 - It's just something I heard me mam saying once. 58 00:03:29,040 --> 00:03:31,079 - HE SNIFFS 59 00:03:31,080 --> 00:03:34,559 - Ooh! Sugar Puffs. 60 00:03:34,560 --> 00:03:36,559 - You know, Mum's not been well, 61 00:03:36,560 --> 00:03:41,119 so we thought it would be nice to take her away somewhere on Friday to take her mind off it. 62 00:03:41,120 --> 00:03:43,039 - Ooh, that's a good idea, Joan. 63 00:03:43,040 --> 00:03:44,559 - So, where are you taking her? 64 00:03:44,560 --> 00:03:46,519 - We're thinking of Blackpool. 65 00:03:46,520 --> 00:03:50,239 They've got a circus on there and she loves them. 66 00:03:50,240 --> 00:03:52,199 Do you like circuses, Joe? 67 00:03:52,200 --> 00:03:56,319 - I'm not fussed. - Oh, I like circuses. 68 00:03:56,320 --> 00:03:57,919 Do you like circuses, Tommy? 69 00:03:57,920 --> 00:03:59,719 - No, they're shite. 70 00:03:59,720 --> 00:04:01,279 - Oh, I do. 71 00:04:01,280 --> 00:04:03,679 Do you like circuses, Tanya? 72 00:04:03,680 --> 00:04:06,799 - Not really. - Oh, I do. They're great. 73 00:04:06,800 --> 00:04:11,159 Do you like circuses, Debbie? - Yeah, they're good fun. Kids like 'em. 74 00:04:11,160 --> 00:04:13,599 - They do, don't they? So do I. 75 00:04:13,600 --> 00:04:16,319 Do you like circuses, Nicola? 76 00:04:16,320 --> 00:04:19,319 - Yeah, they're all right. - They are, aren't they? 77 00:04:19,320 --> 00:04:22,479 What about you, Duffy? Do you like circuses? 78 00:04:22,480 --> 00:04:24,199 - I've never been to one. 79 00:04:24,200 --> 00:04:27,159 - Oh, you'd love them. I do. 80 00:04:27,160 --> 00:04:29,079 Do you like circuses, Ken? 81 00:04:29,080 --> 00:04:31,039 - I don't know, Joan. 82 00:04:31,040 --> 00:04:34,439 - What are we talking about, Joan? - Circuses, Eddie. 83 00:04:34,440 --> 00:04:38,559 - Oh, I love circuses. They're great. 84 00:04:38,560 --> 00:04:40,680 Do you like circuses, Joe? 85 00:04:43,800 --> 00:04:45,479 - Do you want a chocolate, Winnie? 86 00:04:45,480 --> 00:04:50,719 We've got boxes of these thanks to Giro Jim. 87 00:04:50,720 --> 00:04:53,319 Kenny gave her a box last week. 88 00:04:53,320 --> 00:04:54,919 - Who, Tanya? - Yeah. 89 00:04:54,920 --> 00:04:57,159 - Did he? Chocolates, hey? 90 00:04:57,160 --> 00:05:00,839 - Yeah, he's falling under the white witches' spell, all right. 91 00:05:00,840 --> 00:05:02,479 I hate to say it, 92 00:05:02,480 --> 00:05:05,959 but she's the only thing putting a smile on his face at the minute. 93 00:05:05,960 --> 00:05:08,519 - Has he asked her on that date yet? - Not yet. 94 00:05:08,520 --> 00:05:13,839 Where women are concerned, my Kenny. 95 00:05:13,840 --> 00:05:17,999 I remember when he went out with that Lucy Ansbrough. 96 00:05:18,000 --> 00:05:19,479 Do you remember her? 97 00:05:19,480 --> 00:05:21,919 Her brother were an have-a-go hero. 98 00:05:21,920 --> 00:05:25,679 - Oh, yes, I know her. I think you've told me this story, Jean. 99 00:05:25,680 --> 00:05:31,119 - Yeah, first date it was. He took her to Amilio's for a nice Italian. 100 00:05:31,120 --> 00:05:32,559 He was so shy and awkward 101 00:05:32,560 --> 00:05:36,799 he never spoke more than two words to her all night. 102 00:05:36,800 --> 00:05:40,479 - You ended up doing most of the talking, didn't you, Jean? 103 00:05:40,480 --> 00:05:42,319 - Well, I had to. 104 00:05:42,320 --> 00:05:45,159 The silence were making me feel uncomfortable. 105 00:05:45,160 --> 00:05:47,999 - So you don't think he'll ask Tanya on this date, then? 106 00:05:48,000 --> 00:05:52,959 - Oh, he will do eventually. He's starting to build himself up to it, I can tell. 107 00:05:52,960 --> 00:05:56,839 - How d'ya mean? - It's just the little changes a mother notices. 108 00:05:56,840 --> 00:06:02,519 Deodorant, toothpaste, Odor-Eaters. 109 00:06:02,520 --> 00:06:06,640 - Odor-Eaters! Ooh, he is smitten, isn't he? 110 00:06:08,720 --> 00:06:11,519 You not having one, then. 111 00:06:11,520 --> 00:06:13,480 - No, we're all right, thanks. 112 00:06:15,000 --> 00:06:17,119 - Same again, Tanya? 113 00:06:17,120 --> 00:06:20,039 - Yeah, but can I ask you something first, Ken? 114 00:06:20,040 --> 00:06:21,919 - Course you can, love. What is it? 115 00:06:21,920 --> 00:06:23,799 - Do you like circuses? 116 00:06:23,800 --> 00:06:27,519 - Bloody hell! Them two want putting in a circus, don't they? 117 00:06:27,520 --> 00:06:30,479 - How's it going upstairs with Melanie? 118 00:06:30,480 --> 00:06:32,879 - Oh, it's still the wall of silence. 119 00:06:32,880 --> 00:06:37,639 - Oh, heck. - It's like living with Marcel Marceau. 120 00:06:37,640 --> 00:06:39,879 I wouldn't mind if it was me mother. 121 00:06:39,880 --> 00:06:44,359 I mean, I couldn't buy a week like that, but not Melanie. 122 00:06:44,360 --> 00:06:46,399 I'll get that, love. 123 00:06:46,400 --> 00:06:48,599 - Oh, cheers, Ken. 124 00:06:48,600 --> 00:06:51,879 Have you tried patching things up with her? - It'll be all right. 125 00:06:51,880 --> 00:06:53,519 It'll work itself out. 126 00:06:53,520 --> 00:06:56,839 - Oh, well that's you all over, isn't it? 127 00:06:56,840 --> 00:07:04,119 Instead of taking control yourself. 128 00:07:04,120 --> 00:07:10,400 - Is this a bollocking? - Yeah, it is, because if you want something, Ken, it's up to you to make it happen. 129 00:07:19,360 --> 00:07:23,719 - Tanya, will you keep your eye on the bar? I'm just nipping up for a few minutes. 130 00:07:23,720 --> 00:07:25,880 - Yeah, course I will. 131 00:07:29,920 --> 00:07:35,479 He ram-raided Boots that time? - Yeah. 132 00:07:35,480 --> 00:07:37,839 - Well, he stinks of that stuff now. 133 00:07:37,840 --> 00:07:39,479 Anyway, I've hidden it. 134 00:07:39,480 --> 00:07:43,119 It hadn't been out of the box since he got it. How long ago is that? 135 00:07:43,120 --> 00:07:44,919 - Ooh, it's a few years. 136 00:07:44,920 --> 00:07:47,519 Our Darren's been inside three years. 137 00:07:47,520 --> 00:07:50,559 He'll be coming out soon, won't he? 138 00:07:50,560 --> 00:07:53,879 - Yeah, second week in December. 139 00:07:53,880 --> 00:07:56,759 - Let's hope he's learnt the error of his ways, hey? 140 00:07:56,760 --> 00:07:58,719 - Oh, he has this time, Jean. 141 00:07:58,720 --> 00:08:01,359 It's been a tough stretch, this one. 142 00:08:01,360 --> 00:08:04,959 Last time I visited him he promised. "I'm not coming back in here, Mam. 143 00:08:04,960 --> 00:08:08,439 "When I get out this time, I'm going straight as a dye." 144 00:08:08,440 --> 00:08:10,079 - That's what you want to hear. 145 00:08:10,080 --> 00:08:12,879 I'm very pleased for you, love. 146 00:08:12,880 --> 00:08:16,040 You haven't told him about my new DVD player, have you? 147 00:08:18,520 --> 00:08:20,839 - KNOCK ON DOOR 148 00:08:20,840 --> 00:08:22,360 - Yeah? 149 00:08:24,200 --> 00:08:26,519 - You all right, love? - Yeah. 150 00:08:26,520 --> 00:08:28,640 - Good. 151 00:08:34,400 --> 00:08:36,120 It's a bit frosty in here. 152 00:08:40,360 --> 00:08:42,239 Is that your Nana's OK magazine? 153 00:08:42,240 --> 00:08:43,840 - Yeah. 154 00:08:45,360 --> 00:08:47,559 - This is a bit more like it, eh? 155 00:08:47,560 --> 00:08:50,199 DOORBELL RINGS 156 00:08:50,200 --> 00:08:56,279 - That's the back door, dad. - If that's the invisible man, tell him I can't see him. 157 00:08:56,280 --> 00:09:02,279 Are you having that, hey? I can't see him! Invisible! 158 00:09:02,280 --> 00:09:03,919 Come on, don't hold it in. 159 00:09:03,920 --> 00:09:07,319 DOORBELL RINGS 160 00:09:07,320 --> 00:09:08,879 It'll be Beavis and Butthead. 161 00:09:08,880 --> 00:09:12,199 - You'd better go and get it then, hadn't you? 162 00:09:12,200 --> 00:09:14,679 - I suppose I should, aye. 163 00:09:14,680 --> 00:09:16,199 DOORBELL RINGS 164 00:09:16,200 --> 00:09:18,079 Would you mind minding the bar? 165 00:09:18,080 --> 00:09:19,599 - All right. 166 00:09:19,600 --> 00:09:21,159 - < - I'll get it. 167 00:09:21,160 --> 00:09:26,120 - And is there any chance you could work this Thursday night? 168 00:09:28,840 --> 00:09:31,000 I want to take somebody out for a drink. 169 00:09:32,600 --> 00:09:34,759 - Yeah. 170 00:09:34,760 --> 00:09:38,160 - Don't you want to know who? - Not really. 171 00:09:40,640 --> 00:09:43,319 - Right, I see. 172 00:09:43,320 --> 00:09:44,800 OK. 173 00:09:48,440 --> 00:09:50,680 I'll go and sort these two out, then. 174 00:10:00,000 --> 00:10:02,279 - Bitter and a coke is it? - Please, Tanya. 175 00:10:02,280 --> 00:10:03,999 - And a large malt please, love. 176 00:10:04,000 --> 00:10:07,119 - Ken? Ken? 177 00:10:07,120 --> 00:10:09,679 - I'm coming, I'm coming. 178 00:10:09,680 --> 00:10:12,959 - How's it gone? - I'll tell you later. I've not thawed out yet. 179 00:10:12,960 --> 00:10:15,839 - Oh, I see. Go on, you see to them. I'll get the drinks. 180 00:10:15,840 --> 00:10:18,319 - Right. Thanks, love. 181 00:10:18,320 --> 00:10:21,359 Sorry about that, lads. - Relax Ken, there's no rush. 182 00:10:21,360 --> 00:10:24,839 - No problem, Ken. - 'Calling all cars, calling all cars. 183 00:10:24,840 --> 00:10:28,679 'We have a break-in in progress at 19 Gibb Lane. 19 Gibb Lane. 184 00:10:28,680 --> 00:10:31,919 'Suspect is on the premises. Repeat - on the premises.' 185 00:10:31,920 --> 00:10:34,839 - Give us a bloody break, will you. 186 00:10:34,840 --> 00:10:38,800 - Honestly! You don't get five minutes in this game. 187 00:10:40,840 --> 00:10:43,239 Hiya, Tanya. - Hiya. 188 00:10:43,240 --> 00:10:46,399 - What does he want me down here for when you're working? 189 00:10:46,400 --> 00:10:49,079 - Oh, I'm not working love. I've come in for a drink. 190 00:10:49,080 --> 00:10:52,079 I'm just helping out for a minute. - Oh, right. 191 00:10:52,080 --> 00:10:55,159 Did he ask you to work on Thursday night? - No. 192 00:10:55,160 --> 00:11:00,359 - Well, he's asked me to, but I'm supposed to be going to a party with Dean. - Oh, heck. 193 00:11:00,360 --> 00:11:02,119 Why isn't your Dad working? 194 00:11:02,120 --> 00:11:04,839 - He's supposed to be taking someone out for a drink. 195 00:11:04,840 --> 00:11:07,719 - Is he? And do you know who? 196 00:11:07,720 --> 00:11:09,799 - No. I'm not interested either. 197 00:11:09,800 --> 00:11:12,560 Here y'are - I'll take these drinks through. 198 00:11:14,880 --> 00:11:16,599 - You went round to her new house? 199 00:11:16,600 --> 00:11:19,519 - I said a lot of bad things in the heat of the moment. 200 00:11:19,520 --> 00:11:22,559 I just wanted to apologise for that. 201 00:11:22,560 --> 00:11:26,679 That and all the graffiti about her outside her works. 202 00:11:26,680 --> 00:11:30,439 - Did you see her? - Yeah, I had a few minutes with her on the doorstep. 203 00:11:30,440 --> 00:11:33,639 I thought I'd say all the things I've never said. - What? 204 00:11:33,640 --> 00:11:35,719 - I said "I love you." - Bloody hell! 205 00:11:35,720 --> 00:11:37,359 - I know. It just came out. 206 00:11:37,360 --> 00:11:39,759 I said "I'm lonely without you and the kids." 207 00:11:39,760 --> 00:11:41,359 - What did she say? 208 00:11:41,360 --> 00:11:43,639 - "Is that a Fray Bentos pie in your hand?" 209 00:11:43,640 --> 00:11:47,959 I said "Yeah, chicken and mushroom, but that's not what I've come here to say." 210 00:11:47,960 --> 00:11:54,079 And then I told her, "Whatever I have said in the past and whatever I have done, I didn't mean it. 211 00:11:54,080 --> 00:11:55,839 "I just want you back for good." 212 00:11:55,840 --> 00:11:57,999 - Bloody hell! Were Take That with you? 213 00:11:58,000 --> 00:12:01,039 - It's her favourite song. I thought it might strike a chord. 214 00:12:01,040 --> 00:12:03,519 - Well, you know her best, Duffy. 215 00:12:03,520 --> 00:12:06,919 What did she say? - She just slammed the letterbox shut on me. 216 00:12:06,920 --> 00:12:09,840 Caught my lip. Here, can you see it? 217 00:12:11,160 --> 00:12:13,719 - Woo! Ken the landlord, hey? 218 00:12:13,720 --> 00:12:17,999 - TOGETHER: ♪ You can ring my bell 219 00:12:18,000 --> 00:12:20,399 ♪ Ring my bell 220 00:12:20,400 --> 00:12:22,559 ♪ My bell... ♪ 221 00:12:22,560 --> 00:12:25,119 - Give over. 222 00:12:25,120 --> 00:12:29,439 - I hope you don't do what I did on my first date with my Tony. It was embarrassing. 223 00:12:29,440 --> 00:12:31,319 - Why? What did you do? 224 00:12:31,320 --> 00:12:32,840 - Got pregnant. 225 00:12:35,200 --> 00:12:36,719 - Hey up! 226 00:12:36,720 --> 00:12:38,679 Here he is - the love machine. 227 00:12:38,680 --> 00:12:39,959 ALL: Whey! 228 00:12:39,960 --> 00:12:43,439 Aye, aye! Brer Rabbit, you've got a nerve! 229 00:12:43,440 --> 00:12:46,879 - Lock up your daughters, Deano's in town. - Whey! 230 00:12:46,880 --> 00:12:48,159 - ♪ I'm just a gigolo 231 00:12:48,160 --> 00:12:50,999 - ALL: ♪ And everybody knows 232 00:12:51,000 --> 00:12:54,279 ♪ Everybody knows about me... ♪ 233 00:12:54,280 --> 00:12:56,959 What the bloody hell...? 234 00:12:56,960 --> 00:12:59,999 You all right, son? - Have you got your shotgun Ken? 235 00:13:00,000 --> 00:13:01,559 - Whey! 236 00:13:01,560 --> 00:13:06,439 - You'd better get your settee re-sprung Ken. He's back. 237 00:13:06,440 --> 00:13:08,959 - You've had your fun. Leave the lad alone. 238 00:13:08,960 --> 00:13:11,359 Give him a pint, Mel. On the house. 239 00:13:11,360 --> 00:13:13,719 ALL: Woooooo! - Cheers, Ken. 240 00:13:13,720 --> 00:13:15,919 - Just make sure he drinks it down here. 241 00:13:15,920 --> 00:13:19,399 ALL: Whey! 242 00:13:19,400 --> 00:13:21,319 - She seems very keen on him. 243 00:13:21,320 --> 00:13:24,719 - It's not my Kenny Tanya's keen on, it's this place. 244 00:13:24,720 --> 00:13:28,319 That's what she fancies - her name above our door. 245 00:13:28,320 --> 00:13:30,519 I bet she wouldn't give him a second look 246 00:13:30,520 --> 00:13:35,319 if she knew he were planning to throw the towel in, get a flat and put his poor mother in a home. 247 00:13:35,320 --> 00:13:38,839 - Oh, Jean, you're letting your imagination run away with you. 248 00:13:38,840 --> 00:13:40,559 You don't know all that, do you? 249 00:13:40,560 --> 00:13:42,479 - The writing's on the wall, Winnie. 250 00:13:42,480 --> 00:13:44,319 And anyway, I know barmaids. 251 00:13:44,320 --> 00:13:46,399 She's just another gold-digger. 252 00:13:46,400 --> 00:13:49,519 - Tanya's no gold-digger. She's got her own place. 253 00:13:49,520 --> 00:13:52,719 - Well, she might have, but it won't be as good as this. - Oh, it is. 254 00:13:52,720 --> 00:13:54,999 It's a nice semi-detached. 255 00:13:55,000 --> 00:13:57,999 - Semi-detached? Is it? - Yes, I've seen it. 256 00:13:58,000 --> 00:14:01,999 I cleaned the house next door to her on Clairmont Road. Do you know it? 257 00:14:02,000 --> 00:14:03,599 - Clairmont Road? 258 00:14:03,600 --> 00:14:05,279 Yeah, I do. 259 00:14:05,280 --> 00:14:06,999 Ooh, I like it round there. 260 00:14:07,000 --> 00:14:09,199 - Yeah, it's lovely. 261 00:14:09,200 --> 00:14:12,839 - How many, er, bedrooms do they have, them houses round there? 262 00:14:12,840 --> 00:14:17,439 - Well, the one I used to clean had three, and that's the same type as hers. - Three? 263 00:14:17,440 --> 00:14:20,679 - Yeah, and one of them was en-suite. 264 00:14:20,680 --> 00:14:23,519 - En-suite? - Yeah. 265 00:14:23,520 --> 00:14:25,679 - En-suite. 266 00:14:25,680 --> 00:14:28,239 But how could she afford a house like that? 267 00:14:28,240 --> 00:14:31,199 - Well, the insurance paid for it when her husband died. 268 00:14:31,200 --> 00:14:33,679 - Oh, I didn't even know she'd been married. 269 00:14:33,680 --> 00:14:35,199 - It was very tragic. 270 00:14:35,200 --> 00:14:37,039 Fit as a fiddle he was, apparently, 271 00:14:37,040 --> 00:14:40,919 and then one Saturday when she was out shopping he had a heart attack. 272 00:14:40,920 --> 00:14:45,399 She come home and found him lying there, dead, on the conservatory floor. 273 00:14:45,400 --> 00:14:46,919 - SHE GASPS 274 00:14:46,920 --> 00:14:49,080 - She's got a conservatory? 275 00:14:50,920 --> 00:14:52,440 Oh, how lovely. 276 00:14:55,120 --> 00:14:56,839 - It's not all doom and gloom. 277 00:14:56,840 --> 00:14:59,999 You've still got the mistress to keep your pecker up. 278 00:15:00,000 --> 00:15:01,759 - Who? Trina? - Yeah. 279 00:15:01,760 --> 00:15:04,759 - Nah, I've lost interest in her now. - How d'ya mean? 280 00:15:04,760 --> 00:15:08,639 - There's no point in banging the mistress when you haven't got a Mrs. 281 00:15:08,640 --> 00:15:11,399 Where's the fun in that? - I know what you're saying. 282 00:15:11,400 --> 00:15:13,399 - There's no excitement there now. 283 00:15:13,400 --> 00:15:15,159 It doesn't do anything for me. 284 00:15:15,160 --> 00:15:21,439 - Right. - I mean, I went round there the other night. She had all the saucy gear on for me, you know? 285 00:15:21,440 --> 00:15:25,159 We had a couple of bottles of wine and I went through the motions, 286 00:15:25,160 --> 00:15:28,599 but I'll be honest with you, I didn't have any film in my camera. 287 00:15:28,600 --> 00:15:32,799 - Hey, Joe? I've been meaning to ask you something. - What? 288 00:15:32,800 --> 00:15:37,639 - I was wondering if you would do the disco for my 21st do? 289 00:15:37,640 --> 00:15:40,319 - Me? - Yeah. 290 00:15:40,320 --> 00:15:43,320 - Me? - Yeah. 291 00:15:45,480 --> 00:15:48,800 - Honestly? - Yeah, honestly. 292 00:15:49,920 --> 00:15:52,519 - Magic! 293 00:15:52,520 --> 00:15:55,679 I tell you what - that's the best decision you've ever made. 294 00:15:55,680 --> 00:15:58,679 I won't let you down. 295 00:15:58,680 --> 00:16:03,999 Once you've booked Jumping Joe's Crazy Roadshow, you know you're in safe hands. 296 00:16:04,000 --> 00:16:06,440 - HE SIGHS CONTENTEDLY 297 00:16:15,760 --> 00:16:19,319 Scissor Happy? The hairdressers on Newbridge Lane? - Yes. 298 00:16:19,320 --> 00:16:22,039 - The girls were saying it was swarming with police. 299 00:16:22,040 --> 00:16:23,479 Why've they been raided? 300 00:16:23,480 --> 00:16:27,359 - They've been running a massage parlour in the room upstairs. 301 00:16:27,360 --> 00:16:29,159 - I though it was an hairdressers. 302 00:16:29,160 --> 00:16:33,239 - Well, you can get a wash and blow there, Ken, but you won't see any hairdryers! 303 00:16:33,240 --> 00:16:35,959 - I didn't know that. 304 00:16:35,960 --> 00:16:38,999 So, it was raided, was it? - We were first on the scene. 305 00:16:39,000 --> 00:16:44,039 - Well done. - When we heard that siren, we couldn't pull our pants up quick enough. 306 00:16:44,040 --> 00:16:48,119 - Didn't anybody wonder how you got there so quick? 307 00:16:48,120 --> 00:16:53,079 - They turned a blind eye. - They knew their way around the place better than they should have done. 308 00:16:53,080 --> 00:16:55,439 - I reckon some of them have got loyalty cards! 309 00:16:55,440 --> 00:16:59,239 - Even the chief superintendent makes a regular visit. - Get off. 310 00:16:59,240 --> 00:17:01,039 - It's true. One of the girls told us. 311 00:17:01,040 --> 00:17:04,719 - You wouldn't believe what he likes doing when he's there. - What? 312 00:17:04,720 --> 00:17:06,439 - On my life, this... 313 00:17:06,440 --> 00:17:09,119 Dressing up as a baby. 314 00:17:09,120 --> 00:17:12,159 Romper suit, nappy, the lot. 315 00:17:12,160 --> 00:17:13,839 - You are joking. 316 00:17:13,840 --> 00:17:16,079 - Honestly, Ken. It's what she told us. 317 00:17:16,080 --> 00:17:17,639 - Know what they call him now? 318 00:17:17,640 --> 00:17:19,720 - What? - Kindergarten cop. 319 00:17:28,840 --> 00:17:30,199 - Bloody hell! 320 00:17:30,200 --> 00:17:33,839 A grown man dressing up as a baby? What does he get out of that? 321 00:17:33,840 --> 00:17:37,080 - Two Farley's rusks and his arse wiped, according to her. 322 00:17:41,680 --> 00:17:43,880 - His arse wiped! 323 00:17:52,760 --> 00:17:55,519 Hey! I wonder what he's like between the sheets. 324 00:17:55,520 --> 00:17:58,199 - I won't be finding that out for a while. - Oh, yeah. 325 00:17:58,200 --> 00:18:00,239 - Yeah, right(!) 326 00:18:00,240 --> 00:18:03,479 - Hey, he might have the magic touch. 327 00:18:03,480 --> 00:18:07,560 - I don't think foreplay had been invented when Ken learnt what to do. 328 00:18:09,240 --> 00:18:12,159 - I bet he turns out to be dead passionate. 329 00:18:12,160 --> 00:18:15,599 I think he'll be a bit of a moaner. 330 00:18:15,600 --> 00:18:17,959 - Hey, I'll tell you who is a bit of a moaner. 331 00:18:17,960 --> 00:18:20,279 - Who? - Old Tommy. 332 00:18:20,280 --> 00:18:23,959 - THEY LAUGH 333 00:18:23,960 --> 00:18:28,679 - Ah no, he won't be anything like that. He's dead shy, really, Ken. 334 00:18:28,680 --> 00:18:31,839 - They're the worst, the shy ones. - They say that, don't they? 335 00:18:31,840 --> 00:18:33,639 - No, no. It's true. 336 00:18:33,640 --> 00:18:35,999 D'you remember that Simon Walton I went out? 337 00:18:36,000 --> 00:18:40,279 - Oh, aye, yeah. - Right, well, I thought he was shy until the first time we did it. 338 00:18:40,280 --> 00:18:41,839 - Why? What did he do? 339 00:18:41,840 --> 00:18:45,319 - He set the washing machine going on fast spin and sat me on top of it. 340 00:18:45,320 --> 00:18:47,199 - Did he? - The kinky sod. 341 00:18:47,200 --> 00:18:50,879 - No, no. It was dead good and all. It didn't half make my toes curl. 342 00:18:50,880 --> 00:18:52,439 - I bet it did. 343 00:18:52,440 --> 00:18:55,639 - Mind you, I daren't show my face in that launderette again! 344 00:18:55,640 --> 00:18:58,440 THEY CACKLE 345 00:19:01,360 --> 00:19:05,599 - I got a bit embarrassed when I realised I'd left my handcuffs on the bedpost. 346 00:19:05,600 --> 00:19:10,079 - I'll bet you did. - We felt bad about arresting the girls, but we let one of them get away. 347 00:19:10,080 --> 00:19:12,919 - How did you manage that? - Well, it was quite easy. 348 00:19:12,920 --> 00:19:16,280 She was already dressed as a policewoman at the time. - Really? 349 00:19:20,120 --> 00:19:21,959 - He likes nurses. 350 00:19:21,960 --> 00:19:24,639 - Whatever turns you on, hey? 351 00:19:24,640 --> 00:19:27,599 - It beats being in BUPA, Ken. 352 00:19:27,600 --> 00:19:30,799 - I'll say. - You can't beat a bit of role-play, Ken. 353 00:19:30,800 --> 00:19:33,879 - They get through more outfits in that place than Mr Ben. 354 00:19:33,880 --> 00:19:36,679 - What other stuff do they do? - Any fetish you want. 355 00:19:36,680 --> 00:19:38,719 Bondage, rubber, S&M. They do the lot. 356 00:19:38,720 --> 00:19:40,519 - You name it, we've tried it. 357 00:19:40,520 --> 00:19:42,759 - And how much do you lads pay for all this? 358 00:19:42,760 --> 00:19:45,119 - You what? Pay for it! 359 00:19:45,120 --> 00:19:49,639 We are? A couple of bloody perverts? 360 00:19:49,640 --> 00:19:52,639 - '1038. 1038. Come in 1038.' 361 00:19:52,640 --> 00:19:54,999 - 1038 receiving, over. 362 00:19:55,000 --> 00:20:00,239 - 'Roger. We've got an outside call on hold here asking for you, Nige.' 363 00:20:00,240 --> 00:20:02,279 - Is that informant 425? 364 00:20:02,280 --> 00:20:05,319 - 'That's what he says.' - Put him through straightaway. 365 00:20:05,320 --> 00:20:07,519 - 'Roger, doing that now.' 366 00:20:07,520 --> 00:20:09,839 - 425, 425. Come in please. 367 00:20:09,840 --> 00:20:11,919 - 'Oh, hello Nige. 368 00:20:11,920 --> 00:20:15,599 'One beef biryani and one chicken balti ready now.' 369 00:20:15,600 --> 00:20:17,479 - Cheers, Farouk. How much is that? 370 00:20:17,480 --> 00:20:19,119 - '£12.20.' 371 00:20:19,120 --> 00:20:22,759 - Any discount for friends of the environmental health officer? 372 00:20:22,760 --> 00:20:25,399 - 'OK, call it tenner.' 373 00:20:25,400 --> 00:20:27,199 - That's more like it. 374 00:20:27,200 --> 00:20:30,479 Chuck in a couple of poppadoms. We'll see you in five minutes. 375 00:20:30,480 --> 00:20:33,559 We'd better get off, Ken. We don't want it going cold, do we? 376 00:20:33,560 --> 00:20:38,239 - Do you heck. - See you soon. - See you, Phil. - See you, Ken. Crime can't... 377 00:20:38,240 --> 00:20:41,159 Well, you know the rest don't you? 378 00:20:41,160 --> 00:20:42,680 - See you, boys. 379 00:20:50,520 --> 00:20:52,759 - I'm just getting a quick shave, love. 380 00:20:52,760 --> 00:20:54,360 - Right. 381 00:20:57,000 --> 00:21:00,839 - ENGINE STARTS, SIREN WAILS 382 00:21:00,840 --> 00:21:02,679 All right, Winnie, love? 383 00:21:02,680 --> 00:21:06,679 Is that you off? - Yeah. The boys in blue got an emergency, have they? 384 00:21:06,680 --> 00:21:08,679 - Yeah. Their curry's going cold. 385 00:21:08,680 --> 00:21:10,919 - Let's hope it doesn't choke 'em, hey? 386 00:21:10,920 --> 00:21:13,520 - "Choke 'em"! 387 00:21:18,320 --> 00:21:22,599 Y'all right, Mam? I'm just gonna have a quick shave. 388 00:21:22,600 --> 00:21:24,759 Why are you looking at wicker furniture? 389 00:21:24,760 --> 00:21:27,160 - You know me. I've always liked a bit of wicker. 390 00:21:28,960 --> 00:21:31,999 - You haven't seen my Aramis have you? It's disappeared. 391 00:21:32,000 --> 00:21:34,599 It was here a couple of days ago. 392 00:21:34,600 --> 00:21:39,919 - Yes, hang on a minute. I have, come to think of it. 393 00:21:39,920 --> 00:21:41,519 - What's it doing in there? 394 00:21:41,520 --> 00:21:43,439 - That's what I were thinking. 395 00:21:43,440 --> 00:21:47,279 It'll be Winnie, won't it? She gets worse, that woman. 396 00:21:47,280 --> 00:21:49,519 Is that nice Tanya coming in? 397 00:21:49,520 --> 00:21:51,319 - She's already in. 398 00:21:51,320 --> 00:21:54,000 - I'd pop your Odor-Eaters in then, if I were you. 399 00:22:01,640 --> 00:22:04,319 Did you give Eddie that envelope? 400 00:22:04,320 --> 00:22:06,120 - Oh, bloody hell! I forgot. 401 00:22:09,640 --> 00:22:12,799 Anyway, what's with the "nice Tanya" business? 402 00:22:12,800 --> 00:22:16,159 You were slagging her off a couple of days ago. - I wasn't! 403 00:22:16,160 --> 00:22:18,519 - You were. You called her a floozy. 404 00:22:18,520 --> 00:22:20,959 - But that's not slagging her off. 405 00:22:20,960 --> 00:22:26,279 Floozy meant summat different in my day. It meant bubbly and sociable, full of fun. 406 00:22:26,280 --> 00:22:27,919 - Oh, right. 407 00:22:27,920 --> 00:22:30,280 So what did trollop mean in your day then? 408 00:22:37,080 --> 00:22:41,879 - You've gotta see it from your dad's point of view, though. You're still his little girl. 409 00:22:41,880 --> 00:22:43,919 - But I'm not any more, am I? 410 00:22:43,920 --> 00:22:46,519 And he shouldn't have gone ballistic like he did. 411 00:22:46,520 --> 00:22:50,759 All he's bothered about is how badly it reflects on him and what he looks like. 412 00:22:50,760 --> 00:22:53,079 He's not even bothered about me. 413 00:22:53,080 --> 00:22:55,800 - You're joking, aren't you? You're his world. 414 00:22:59,200 --> 00:23:01,239 - Tanya, 415 00:23:01,240 --> 00:23:04,560 boys, Tommy. 416 00:23:05,640 --> 00:23:09,719 Eddie... have you got a minute? 417 00:23:09,720 --> 00:23:13,680 Can I have a word? - Oh, course you can, Ken. 418 00:23:15,560 --> 00:23:17,439 What is it? 419 00:23:17,440 --> 00:23:21,119 - You know that big phone bill you've run up? 420 00:23:21,120 --> 00:23:25,959 - Oh, yeah. We can't afford to pay that. They're gonna cut us off. - Well, they're not any more. 421 00:23:25,960 --> 00:23:31,159 I've been taking some football cards around and we've managed to raise enough money to pay it off. 422 00:23:31,160 --> 00:23:35,159 Here you go, pal. Everybody's been putting in. 423 00:23:35,160 --> 00:23:37,359 - Have they? 424 00:23:37,360 --> 00:23:39,159 - Last week when Tommy won it... 425 00:23:39,160 --> 00:23:42,079 - Yeah, Huddersfield Town. 426 00:23:42,080 --> 00:23:46,000 - He wouldn't take a penny. He made me put all the winnings back in. 427 00:23:51,880 --> 00:23:54,919 - I don't know what to say, Ken. 428 00:23:54,920 --> 00:23:57,479 - You're all right son. 429 00:23:57,480 --> 00:23:59,240 - Thank you. 430 00:24:06,560 --> 00:24:09,039 - What is it, Eddie? 431 00:24:09,040 --> 00:24:12,879 - Well, you know our phone bill, love? 432 00:24:12,880 --> 00:24:15,159 We can pay it now. 433 00:24:15,160 --> 00:24:16,719 We're not going to get cut off. 434 00:24:16,720 --> 00:24:18,919 - How d'ya mean? 435 00:24:18,920 --> 00:24:24,119 Everybody's chipped in to help out. 436 00:24:24,120 --> 00:24:27,239 Tommy wouldn't even take his winnings out. 437 00:24:27,240 --> 00:24:28,760 - Thanks, Tommy. 438 00:24:30,360 --> 00:24:32,800 Thanks, everyone. 439 00:24:41,320 --> 00:24:43,319 - What's going on there? 440 00:24:43,320 --> 00:24:47,799 - You know they threatened to cut Eddie and Joan's phone off cos they couldn't pay? - Yeah. 441 00:24:47,800 --> 00:24:50,759 - Your dad's been taking football cards round for them. 442 00:24:50,760 --> 00:24:53,759 He must have got enough money to pay it off for them. 443 00:24:53,760 --> 00:24:56,120 - Has he? - Yeah. 444 00:24:58,280 --> 00:25:00,959 - ♪ You must have been a beautiful baby 445 00:25:00,960 --> 00:25:04,239 ♪ You must have been a beautiful doll 446 00:25:04,240 --> 00:25:07,999 ♪ I can see the judge's eyes as he handed you the prize 447 00:25:08,000 --> 00:25:11,199 ♪ I'll bet you made the cutest bow 448 00:25:11,200 --> 00:25:14,239 ♪ You must have been a beautiful baby 449 00:25:14,240 --> 00:25:17,759 ♪ Cos, baby, look at you now... ♪ 450 00:25:17,760 --> 00:25:20,119 Are you all right, love? 451 00:25:20,120 --> 00:25:22,159 - I'm sorry, Dad. 452 00:25:22,160 --> 00:25:25,639 - Oh! Hey, it's all right. 453 00:25:25,640 --> 00:25:27,280 I'm sorry as well, love. 454 00:25:28,080 --> 00:25:31,440 What we like, hey? 455 00:25:33,520 --> 00:25:35,959 - Friends again? 456 00:25:35,960 --> 00:25:37,480 - Go on, then. 457 00:25:39,160 --> 00:25:43,079 You've got a load of foam on your face now. 458 00:25:43,080 --> 00:25:45,759 We can't waste this - there's not much left. 459 00:25:45,760 --> 00:25:48,040 And your Nana's got to have a shave after me. 460 00:25:50,000 --> 00:25:52,039 You all right? Come on. 461 00:25:52,040 --> 00:25:55,039 Hey! 462 00:25:55,040 --> 00:25:58,119 - Another, my love? - I've not finished this one yet. 463 00:25:58,120 --> 00:26:00,519 - OK, love. There's no rush. 464 00:26:00,520 --> 00:26:04,359 - Hey, Eddie, why don't we get a nice chippy tea tonight for a treat? 465 00:26:04,360 --> 00:26:09,359 - Ooh, yeah! A chippy tea - what a good idea, love. Why not? 466 00:26:09,360 --> 00:26:11,480 You can't take it with you, can you? 467 00:26:13,680 --> 00:26:16,239 Are you stopping for another Tommy? 468 00:26:16,240 --> 00:26:20,079 - No, I'm going when I've supped this. - You're a bit early, aren't you? 469 00:26:20,080 --> 00:26:24,159 - I've been up since half six and I've got another early start tomorrow. 470 00:26:24,160 --> 00:26:27,679 - Oh, aye, yeah - your new job. How's it going? - I hate it. 471 00:26:27,680 --> 00:26:29,919 - Do you, Tommy? That's a shame. 472 00:26:29,920 --> 00:26:32,199 - Well, at least you've got a job, Tommy. 473 00:26:32,200 --> 00:26:36,599 - It's not so much the job I hate. It's the buggers I work with. - Oh, heck. 474 00:26:36,600 --> 00:26:39,759 - They don't like me and I don't like them. 475 00:26:39,760 --> 00:26:41,679 - That's no good is it? 476 00:26:41,680 --> 00:26:45,959 - I'm not bothered. I go to work to make money, not friends. 477 00:26:45,960 --> 00:26:50,519 If any of them come up talking to me now, I tell them all to piss off! 478 00:26:50,520 --> 00:26:52,039 - Oh. 479 00:26:52,040 --> 00:26:53,959 - Right, 480 00:26:53,960 --> 00:26:55,720 I'm off. 481 00:26:57,360 --> 00:26:59,039 I'll see you tomorrow. 482 00:26:59,040 --> 00:27:01,119 - See you, Tommy. - See you, Tommy. 483 00:27:01,120 --> 00:27:02,559 - TOGETHER: See ya, Tommy. 484 00:27:02,560 --> 00:27:06,319 ALL: See you, Tommy. 485 00:27:06,320 --> 00:27:10,040 - Right same again, girls? - Oh, no. I'm all right. 486 00:27:11,440 --> 00:27:14,279 All right, Dean? - Oh, aye. 487 00:27:14,280 --> 00:27:16,839 - Where is she? - She's up with her Dad. 488 00:27:16,840 --> 00:27:20,000 - Oh, right. Oh, no problem, I'll get my own. 489 00:27:24,120 --> 00:27:26,359 - No rest for the wicked, hey? 490 00:27:26,360 --> 00:27:29,999 - Oh, well, you'd know more about that than me Dean. 491 00:27:30,000 --> 00:27:31,679 - Oi! Cheeky. 492 00:27:31,680 --> 00:27:33,799 - Sorry, Tanya. 493 00:27:33,800 --> 00:27:37,919 - You're all right, Mel. Nearly done now. 494 00:27:37,920 --> 00:27:42,799 - Was your dad all right? 495 00:27:42,800 --> 00:27:48,639 - Yeah, and guess what. I've found out who he's planning on taking out for a drink on Thursday night. 496 00:27:48,640 --> 00:27:50,559 - Who is it? - Me mum! 497 00:27:50,560 --> 00:27:53,920 - Your Mum? - Yeah, can you believe it? Me mum! 498 00:27:56,640 --> 00:27:58,959 - ♪ Rushing through the stars 499 00:27:58,960 --> 00:28:03,920 ♪ Captivated by the worlds beyond 500 00:28:05,000 --> 00:28:08,120 ♪ So far, unknown 501 00:28:10,280 --> 00:28:12,119 ♪ Floating in a car 502 00:28:12,120 --> 00:28:16,640 ♪ Past the gates of mustdestroy.com 503 00:28:18,320 --> 00:28:21,199 ♪ You aren't alone 504 00:28:21,200 --> 00:28:26,080 ♪ It's a small world and you've grown. ♪ 40582

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