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This programme contains adult humour
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00:00:04,360 --> 00:00:08,920
โช You never have to feel that the
night is yours alone
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00:00:10,480 --> 00:00:16,560
โช Rushing through the stars Captivated
by the worlds beyond
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00:00:19,120 --> 00:00:21,239
โช You aren't alone
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00:00:21,240 --> 00:00:25,560
โช It's a small world and you've
grown... โช
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- Ah!
7
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- RADIO IN BACKGROUND
- Ah!
8
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Oh, I feel bloody lousy!
- Do you want some eggs chopped up in
a cup?
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00:00:45,560 --> 00:00:50,639
- How come when I'm poorly, you want
to make me eggs chopped up in a cup?
10
00:00:50,640 --> 00:00:55,159
- It's a cure-all. My mother and her
mother could have told you.
11
00:00:55,160 --> 00:01:00,199
- It's funny the medical profession
never picked up on it.
- It works.
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00:01:00,200 --> 00:01:04,239
- Oh aye, I remember seeing it on ER
last week.
13
00:01:04,240 --> 00:01:06,719
"He's flatlining, doctor."
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00:01:06,720 --> 00:01:10,559
"Nurse, go and chop some eggs up in a
cup."
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00:01:10,560 --> 00:01:15,399
- You're not too ill to be sarcastic.
- Have you seen them Lockets, Mam?
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- Oh, were they yours?
- Bloody hell! Course they were mine.
17
00:01:19,440 --> 00:01:24,599
They're medicinal. They're not sweets.
- They're very more-ish.
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I think I've got a bit of chill.
19
00:01:27,440 --> 00:01:31,479
You're never out the bloody fridge.
20
00:01:31,480 --> 00:01:35,519
What's that?
- It's somebody throwing stones at
window.
21
00:01:35,520 --> 00:01:39,559
- They're not here already?
- It's only 20 past.
22
00:01:39,560 --> 00:01:43,479
- They can piss off. I'm not opening
up yet.
- Who is it?
23
00:01:43,480 --> 00:01:48,519
- It'll be old Tommy with half a crown
burning a hole in his pocket.
24
00:01:48,520 --> 00:01:51,119
- Oh no, it's police.
25
00:01:51,120 --> 00:01:54,319
- What?
- Ah, it's Phil and Nige.
26
00:01:54,320 --> 00:01:56,679
- Bloody hell.
- It's OK.
27
00:01:56,680 --> 00:02:01,719
They've given up - they're going back
to the car.
- I don't know.
28
00:02:01,720 --> 00:02:05,959
It's no wonder crime can't crack
itself.
29
00:02:05,960 --> 00:02:10,999
- LOUDSPEAKER: Come on, Ken. We know
you're in there. You're surrounded.
30
00:02:11,000 --> 00:02:14,839
- I don't believe them two!
31
00:02:14,840 --> 00:02:18,719
- Come out nice and slowly with your
hands held high
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00:02:18,720 --> 00:02:21,559
and nobody's gonna get hurt.
33
00:02:21,560 --> 00:02:24,439
LAUGHTER
34
00:02:24,440 --> 00:02:29,319
You can't go Kenny, you're not fit to
work.
- You can't go, Mum.
35
00:02:29,320 --> 00:02:31,839
- Melanie!
- She's not back yet.
36
00:02:31,840 --> 00:02:34,879
- Oh dear! Well... should I go then?
37
00:02:34,880 --> 00:02:36,959
- Ah.
38
00:02:36,960 --> 00:02:41,879
- I'd better find me stick and I want
me two pair of glasses.
39
00:02:41,880 --> 00:02:44,399
Oh and I want my inhaler for stairs.
40
00:02:44,400 --> 00:02:49,439
- Sherpa Tenzing didn't take that much
when he went up Everest. Sit down.
41
00:02:49,440 --> 00:02:51,959
- Are you sure, Kenny?
- Yeah.
42
00:02:51,960 --> 00:02:57,080
You need a break. You've been on your
feet for over ten seconds now.
43
00:03:07,080 --> 00:03:10,960
- LOUDSPEAKER: Come on Ken, get a move
on.
44
00:03:13,920 --> 00:03:16,439
- Come in. You're keen tonight.
45
00:03:16,440 --> 00:03:20,279
- We just took the rest of our shift
off.
- Right.
46
00:03:20,280 --> 00:03:23,319
- Unofficially, of course.
- Of course.
47
00:03:23,320 --> 00:03:27,359
- We feel we deserve it today.
- Why, what's happened?
48
00:03:27,360 --> 00:03:32,919
- You know our Queen's Head drugs bust
that went pear-shaped?
- Aye.
49
00:03:32,920 --> 00:03:36,959
- Well the landlord, who's a dealer,
got off.
- Oh yeah?
50
00:03:36,960 --> 00:03:40,839
- We went back today and did the job
properly.
- How?
51
00:03:40,840 --> 00:03:44,879
We did it our way.
52
00:03:44,880 --> 00:03:47,399
- Steamed in there, coshes flowing.
53
00:03:47,400 --> 00:03:52,279
- Landlord shits himself, throws his
hands in the air - game over.
54
00:03:52,280 --> 00:03:56,079
- We coshed him anyway.
- The softly-softly approach?
55
00:03:56,080 --> 00:03:58,519
- Zero tolerance, Ken.
56
00:03:58,520 --> 00:04:01,719
- We knew he'd have hidden the drugs.
57
00:04:01,720 --> 00:04:07,359
So we took him to the cellar and
unfortunately, he tripped and fell.
58
00:04:07,360 --> 00:04:11,399
- I've nearly done that on mine.
- Ken, keep up.
59
00:04:11,400 --> 00:04:14,439
- Oh, I see... zero tolerance.
60
00:04:14,440 --> 00:04:18,719
- He seemed a lot more willing to
cooperate after that.
61
00:04:18,720 --> 00:04:21,439
Took us right to his stash.
62
00:04:21,440 --> 00:04:24,599
So come on Ken, we are celebrating.
63
00:04:24,600 --> 00:04:27,519
- Course we are. What do you fancy?
64
00:04:27,520 --> 00:04:31,759
- Have you got champagne?
- Is Dom Perignon good enough?
65
00:04:31,760 --> 00:04:35,879
- Are you taking the piss?
- You started it. Whisky?
66
00:04:35,880 --> 00:04:39,719
- You got anymore of that nice malt we
had last week?
67
00:04:39,720 --> 00:04:42,160
- I'll have a look.
68
00:04:45,160 --> 00:04:49,159
Yeah, you're in luck - there's a bit
left.
69
00:04:49,160 --> 00:04:51,679
- A nice cigar wouldn't go amiss.
70
00:04:51,680 --> 00:04:56,720
- They didn't celebrate this much when
they caught the Great Train Robbers.
71
00:04:58,080 --> 00:05:02,919
Two nice large malts.
- Are you imagining the customers now,
Ken?
72
00:05:02,920 --> 00:05:07,479
- Hello, Tanya love.
- I don't think it'll wash with the
brewery.
73
00:05:07,480 --> 00:05:10,119
- For Bill and Ben.
- Oh, hiya lads.
74
00:05:10,120 --> 00:05:13,439
You all right Tanya, love?
- All right?
75
00:05:13,440 --> 00:05:17,319
- Have you heard any more from the
brewery about this place?
76
00:05:17,320 --> 00:05:20,519
- They keep asking about takings.
- Blimey.
77
00:05:20,520 --> 00:05:23,119
Have you told the customers yet?
- No.
78
00:05:23,120 --> 00:05:28,479
I don't want anyone ransacking this
place before me.
- You look worse.
79
00:05:28,480 --> 00:05:33,959
- I feel like Tommy wound up.
- Have you got a temperature?
- Let me feel.
80
00:05:33,960 --> 00:05:37,079
Oh, you meant me head.
- Cheeky!
81
00:05:37,080 --> 00:05:39,639
- Don't mind me!
82
00:05:39,640 --> 00:05:44,479
- Hello, Winnie.
- Hiya, Winnie love. I was just
checking his temperature.
83
00:05:44,480 --> 00:05:46,999
- Oh, barmaid and nursemaid now, eh?
84
00:05:47,000 --> 00:05:51,039
Bet you could cure him and all.
- Well you never know!
85
00:05:51,040 --> 00:05:53,559
- I'll go straight up.
- Right love.
86
00:05:53,560 --> 00:05:56,399
Evening.
- All right? How's Darren?
87
00:05:56,400 --> 00:05:59,759
- He's out soon for good behaviour.
88
00:05:59,760 --> 00:06:02,799
- A first time for everything.
- Yeah.
89
00:06:02,800 --> 00:06:08,039
- Let's hope he stays on the straight
and narrow.
- Not much chance.
- Why?
90
00:06:08,040 --> 00:06:10,879
- He wants to join the police. See ya.
91
00:06:10,880 --> 00:06:16,239
- She's trouble that one, Ken.
- She's all right. She's not had it
easy -
92
00:06:16,240 --> 00:06:19,999
son in the nick and husband on the
dole.
93
00:06:20,000 --> 00:06:24,039
- He's never done an honest day's
work, her husband.
94
00:06:24,040 --> 00:06:28,920
- Sat on his arse waiting for
handouts. Parasite, he is. A bloody
parasite!
95
00:06:29,920 --> 00:06:32,559
Nice cigars these, Ken. Cheers.
96
00:06:32,560 --> 00:06:35,479
- Cheers, Ken.
97
00:06:35,480 --> 00:06:39,919
- You can't have one. They're
medicinal, they're not sweets.
98
00:06:39,920 --> 00:06:44,439
- Are you poorly as well, Jean?
- It's more preventative medicine.
99
00:06:44,440 --> 00:06:46,959
I don't want to end up like my Kenny.
100
00:06:46,960 --> 00:06:50,639
- I'll make a quick brew, then I'll
get cracking.
101
00:06:50,640 --> 00:06:55,759
- A quick brew? You've got jobs to do.
I've made a list of what you missed
102
00:06:55,760 --> 00:06:58,359
when you were here on Tuesday.
- What?
103
00:06:58,360 --> 00:07:01,119
- It's on sideboard there.
104
00:07:01,120 --> 00:07:03,640
And that could do with a wipe.
105
00:07:06,160 --> 00:07:11,279
- Your arse isn't on there. You'll be
having me wiping that next.
- What?
106
00:07:11,280 --> 00:07:16,800
- I'm surprised your hearth isn't on
there.
- That could do with a wipe.
107
00:07:18,160 --> 00:07:23,199
I've had to do twice as much since my
Kenny took bad. He's very poorly.
108
00:07:23,200 --> 00:07:28,239
- I wouldn't worry about Ken. He's in
safe hands now.
- How do you mean?
109
00:07:28,240 --> 00:07:30,759
- Nurse Tanya's sorting him out.
110
00:07:30,760 --> 00:07:35,800
She looked attentive when I walked in
and caught her.
- Caught her what?
111
00:07:37,000 --> 00:07:39,759
- Administering a dose of TLC.
112
00:07:39,760 --> 00:07:45,079
- She's just flirting. That's what
barmaids do.
- There's more to it,
113
00:07:45,080 --> 00:07:50,839
if what I've been told is anything to
go by - a lot more.
- Is there?
114
00:07:50,840 --> 00:07:55,479
- Yeah, but I've no time to talk, I've
jobs to do.
- Come here.
115
00:07:55,480 --> 00:07:59,520
Put that duster down. Here, sit down.
We need to talk.
116
00:08:01,160 --> 00:08:05,200
I'll make us a nice brew. Here, have a
sweet.
117
00:08:11,000 --> 00:08:14,119
How do you work this kettle?
118
00:08:14,120 --> 00:08:19,359
Watching City tomorrow, Tommy?
- Never miss when they're at home.
119
00:08:19,360 --> 00:08:22,199
- How long you been going now?
120
00:08:22,200 --> 00:08:24,879
- 50 odd years.
- Oooh!
121
00:08:24,880 --> 00:08:28,680
Pies that good, are they?
- Yes, very funny.
122
00:08:29,680 --> 00:08:32,279
- 1.98 please, Tommy.
123
00:08:32,280 --> 00:08:36,879
- Have you ever been to a football
match, love?
124
00:08:36,880 --> 00:08:40,319
- Are you asking me out, Tommy?
- No.
125
00:08:40,320 --> 00:08:44,159
- Give over!
126
00:08:44,160 --> 00:08:46,239
TILL BEEPS
127
00:08:46,240 --> 00:08:50,599
No, I've never been to a football
match, me.
128
00:08:50,600 --> 00:08:53,759
I'm not one for crowds.
129
00:08:53,760 --> 00:08:56,280
You're safe in here, aren't you?
130
00:08:58,640 --> 00:09:00,999
- Eh-up.
131
00:09:01,000 --> 00:09:03,599
Here he is - Lucky Jim.
132
00:09:03,600 --> 00:09:06,119
- All right, Duffy. Bitter?
133
00:09:06,120 --> 00:09:09,759
- I'll say he is.
- Are you still alive?
134
00:09:09,760 --> 00:09:13,399
Please, yeah.
- You been shopping, love?
135
00:09:13,400 --> 00:09:15,919
- Yeah, got myself a nice bit of tea.
136
00:09:15,920 --> 00:09:18,799
- Oooh heck, Jamie Oliver.
- Aye, yeah.
137
00:09:18,800 --> 00:09:23,759
- What you having then?
- Fray Bentos pie.
- You're living it large then.
138
00:09:23,760 --> 00:09:28,639
- What are you having?
- Fray Bentos pie.
- Snap.
139
00:09:28,640 --> 00:09:34,200
- TANYA LAUGHS Shall I get the
Samaritans number?
140
00:09:35,400 --> 00:09:37,639
Have you heard from her, love?
141
00:09:37,640 --> 00:09:42,559
- No. Spoke to her sister, though.
She's filled in a few blanks.
- Yeah?
142
00:09:42,560 --> 00:09:47,679
- How much?
- 40 grand a year.
143
00:09:47,680 --> 00:09:50,279
- Don't say.
- 40 grand.
144
00:09:50,280 --> 00:09:52,879
I'm not bothered though.
145
00:09:52,880 --> 00:09:58,079
- No need.
- I'm getting on with life. That's
more important than money.
146
00:09:58,080 --> 00:10:02,199
- Got to move on. It's behind me now.
147
00:10:02,200 --> 00:10:04,240
Yeah.
- Yeah.
148
00:10:06,840 --> 00:10:09,999
- 40 grand.
149
00:10:10,000 --> 00:10:13,839
- I feel terrible. I should be in bed,
really.
150
00:10:13,840 --> 00:10:18,759
I'll be having a flu jab next year.
- We get our flu jab at work, Ken.
151
00:10:18,760 --> 00:10:21,279
- Yeah, it's compulsory now.
152
00:10:21,280 --> 00:10:26,399
They're terrified of anyone having a
day off, so a nurse does us all.
153
00:10:26,400 --> 00:10:30,359
- We used to look forward to a week
off, full pay on the sick,
154
00:10:30,360 --> 00:10:32,879
do a bit of Christmas shopping.
155
00:10:32,880 --> 00:10:38,319
- Oh yeah?
- And a week in January for the sales.
My wife loves the sales.
156
00:10:38,320 --> 00:10:43,159
A bell rings up her arse when she
passes a shop with a sale on.
157
00:10:43,160 --> 00:10:47,079
She reckons the more you spend, the
more you save.
158
00:10:47,080 --> 00:10:51,359
- That's women's logic.
- She had to pay for her flu jab.
159
00:10:51,360 --> 00:10:55,719
When she got to the doctors, there was
a queue of pensioners
160
00:10:55,720 --> 00:10:59,879
snaking right around the block. They
get it for free.
161
00:10:59,880 --> 00:11:05,519
Smell was terrible apparently.
- My post office is like that on
Tuesday.
162
00:11:05,520 --> 00:11:11,199
- What about Henry Cooper? Greedy git.
How many flu jabs does he need?
163
00:11:11,200 --> 00:11:16,559
- He's spoilt it for us all. He was
greedy with aftershave in the '70s.
164
00:11:16,560 --> 00:11:22,000
Cassius Clay should have finished him
off when he had the chance.
165
00:11:25,320 --> 00:11:27,760
Cheers, Phil.
166
00:11:32,520 --> 00:11:35,159
DUFFY SIGHS
167
00:11:35,160 --> 00:11:37,679
- 40 grand!
168
00:11:37,680 --> 00:11:39,719
- Yeah.
169
00:11:39,720 --> 00:11:42,239
- I'm not bothered though.
170
00:11:42,240 --> 00:11:44,280
- You said.
171
00:11:50,280 --> 00:11:52,799
I've got steak and kidney.
172
00:11:52,800 --> 00:11:55,319
What have you got?
173
00:11:55,320 --> 00:11:57,840
- Chicken and mushroom.
174
00:12:00,080 --> 00:12:05,119
- I don't care how much she likes him.
He's still getting over last one.
175
00:12:05,120 --> 00:12:10,319
- I'd have thought she'd have been
what he needs.
- You thought wrong.
176
00:12:10,320 --> 00:12:13,959
Or how come he's not picked up on her
hints?
177
00:12:13,960 --> 00:12:16,719
- Maybe he's a bit slow on the uptake.
178
00:12:16,720 --> 00:12:20,559
- He's not Forrest Gump. He just
doesn't want to know.
179
00:12:20,560 --> 00:12:22,919
- That's not what Debbie reckons.
180
00:12:22,920 --> 00:12:27,719
She thinks there's some chemistry and
it's starting to work.
181
00:12:27,720 --> 00:12:31,799
- She'll need a chemist if I catch her
tittle-tattling.
182
00:12:31,800 --> 00:12:34,359
It's idle gossip.
- I don't know.
183
00:12:34,360 --> 00:12:39,320
- I do. That's the trouble with you -
you listen to too much gossip.
184
00:12:41,000 --> 00:12:44,639
Did she say anything else?
- I don't think so.
185
00:12:44,640 --> 00:12:48,400
- You're not Mary Poppins. It won't do
itself.
186
00:12:51,480 --> 00:12:54,000
And you forgot your list.
187
00:12:55,400 --> 00:13:00,639
- Blimey, Duffy.
- I know. Who do you know who earns 40
grand a year?
188
00:13:00,640 --> 00:13:05,879
- I've told you I don't know anyone.
Will you let me get a drink?
- Yeah.
189
00:13:05,880 --> 00:13:11,439
Sorry, Debs.
- Half a cider?
- And two cokes and two bags of crisps
please.
190
00:13:11,440 --> 00:13:15,479
- Kids in the car?
- Yeah. Will you do a bucket of water?
191
00:13:15,480 --> 00:13:19,840
I said I'd give 'em 50p each if they
cleaned it.
- Good idea.
192
00:13:22,400 --> 00:13:25,319
I put some Fairy Liquid in.
- Thanks.
193
00:13:25,320 --> 00:13:28,159
They get bored just sat there.
194
00:13:28,160 --> 00:13:32,199
- Oh, not again.
195
00:13:32,200 --> 00:13:35,720
- Oooh, are you coming to quiz night?
- What?
196
00:13:37,000 --> 00:13:39,639
What does he mean, no riff-raff?
197
00:13:39,640 --> 00:13:43,719
- He don't mean you.
- All right, yeah. I'll come.
- Great.
198
00:13:43,720 --> 00:13:48,919
Do you know anyone else? We could form
a team.
- What's it in aid of?
199
00:13:48,920 --> 00:13:53,999
He's just trying to get more people
in. Got the brewery on his back.
200
00:13:54,000 --> 00:13:58,839
- I'll bring my cousin Nicola. Do you
know Manchester Girls' Grammar?
- Yes.
201
00:13:58,840 --> 00:14:01,359
- She's a dinner lady there.
- Oh, right.
202
00:14:01,360 --> 00:14:05,399
We'll have a good laugh then.
- She's a good laugh.
203
00:14:05,400 --> 00:14:08,440
MUSIC: "Miss You Nights" by Cliff
Richard
204
00:14:10,000 --> 00:14:12,719
There you go.
205
00:14:12,720 --> 00:14:17,320
- Yeah.
- And chuck it over him.
206
00:14:22,480 --> 00:14:26,319
Hiya.
- Hiya. He's playing that song, Joan.
207
00:14:26,320 --> 00:14:29,400
- Oh not again, Duffy.
208
00:14:32,640 --> 00:14:35,119
- Are we all having a go, Ken?
209
00:14:35,120 --> 00:14:37,999
- THEY GIGGLE
210
00:14:38,000 --> 00:14:40,519
You look like you're about to drop.
211
00:14:40,520 --> 00:14:45,879
- I feel like I am.
- Get us two more large ones before
you do, will you?
212
00:14:45,880 --> 00:14:49,520
- Nothing would give me greater
pleasure, lads.
213
00:14:55,400 --> 00:14:57,919
- All right, Ken?
- All right, Eddie?
214
00:14:57,920 --> 00:15:00,959
- I'm er... I'm on jury service, Ken.
215
00:15:00,960 --> 00:15:03,279
- Right. Congratulations.
216
00:15:03,280 --> 00:15:07,119
- I'm er.... I'm not allowed to talk
about it.
217
00:15:07,120 --> 00:15:09,479
- Well that suits me.
218
00:15:09,480 --> 00:15:14,519
- Some kids from the Lowfield Road
estate.
- I'm not interested.
- Right.
219
00:15:14,520 --> 00:15:16,840
Right-ho.
220
00:15:19,320 --> 00:15:21,519
- Hello, Ken.
221
00:15:21,520 --> 00:15:26,599
- You all right, Joan?
- You don't look well, Ken. Are you
OK?
- No.
222
00:15:26,600 --> 00:15:31,279
I'm full of flu.
- Have you tried eggs chopped up in a
cup?
- Not yet.
223
00:15:31,280 --> 00:15:35,919
I thought I'd try medicine first.
- It does work.
- Not you an' all.
224
00:15:35,920 --> 00:15:40,359
- You eat it, Ken.
- Oh, right. I was gonna rub it on my
chest.
225
00:15:40,360 --> 00:15:44,639
- I told you it was an easy mistake to
make, Joan.
226
00:15:44,640 --> 00:15:49,159
- What's that smell?
- Bill and Ben have brought a little
weed.
227
00:15:49,160 --> 00:15:51,599
- Bloody hell!
- What are they like?
228
00:15:51,600 --> 00:15:55,999
- I know.
- A packet of cheese and onion please,
Ken.
229
00:15:56,000 --> 00:16:01,039
- Right.
- And put some proper music on the
jukebox while you're out there.
230
00:16:01,040 --> 00:16:03,559
You got any Bob Marley?
231
00:16:03,560 --> 00:16:06,039
- HE LAUGHS LOUDLY
232
00:16:06,040 --> 00:16:09,999
- They're off their bloody tits!
- โช We're jamming
233
00:16:10,000 --> 00:16:15,239
- โช I want to jam it with you
234
00:16:15,240 --> 00:16:20,200
- LAUGHTER
235
00:16:22,640 --> 00:16:25,440
- โช We're jammin', we're jammin'... โช
236
00:16:27,400 --> 00:16:31,239
- Yeah, that's fine. Have you done
grill pan?
237
00:16:31,240 --> 00:16:36,520
- I'm just gonna do it now.
- Let me know when you think it's
done.
238
00:16:40,200 --> 00:16:43,239
- It needs doing each time it's used.
239
00:16:43,240 --> 00:16:48,199
- We can't afford to have you round
every time we have a bacon butty.
240
00:16:48,200 --> 00:16:52,200
- You could do with an extra pair of
hands full-time.
241
00:16:53,200 --> 00:16:58,319
Maybe if Ken up took with Tanya, it
wouldn't be so bad.
- Rubbish!
242
00:16:58,320 --> 00:17:03,079
We had extra hands with his first
wife. Look how that turned out.
243
00:17:03,080 --> 00:17:06,359
- You didn't have much time for her.
244
00:17:06,360 --> 00:17:08,959
- No, I were right not to, wasn't I?
245
00:17:08,960 --> 00:17:12,399
- The pair of you never hit it off.
246
00:17:12,400 --> 00:17:17,239
- She were an ungrateful mare. I put a
roof over their heads
247
00:17:17,240 --> 00:17:22,079
and all I asked for was a bit of
involvement in the wedding.
248
00:17:22,080 --> 00:17:26,919
That wasn't too much to ask for, was
it?
- No, you're right.
249
00:17:26,920 --> 00:17:33,679
It must have hurt hearing her say,
"Anyone would think it was that nosey
old bat's wedding."
- It did.
250
00:17:33,680 --> 00:17:38,719
- But how was she to know you were on
the other extension?
251
00:17:38,720 --> 00:17:44,119
- I just wanted to be part of it. But
after I heard that, I thought,
252
00:17:44,120 --> 00:17:48,959
"Keep out of it, Jean. Leave them to
it. We'll see how it turns out."
253
00:17:48,960 --> 00:17:52,839
And I were right. It were absolute
rubbish!
254
00:17:52,840 --> 00:17:55,360
- You enjoyed the honeymoon, though.
255
00:18:01,800 --> 00:18:06,559
- 40 grand?
- Yeah, that's what he said and that's
just in one year.
256
00:18:06,560 --> 00:18:10,120
- It doesn't seem right. Are you sure?
257
00:18:10,400 --> 00:18:14,479
- Positive. I'm not bothered, though.
What do I care?
258
00:18:14,480 --> 00:18:17,199
- I wonder how much that is a week.
259
00:18:17,200 --> 00:18:19,919
- ยฃ769.23.
260
00:18:19,920 --> 00:18:23,519
- That's more than I've had all my
life.
261
00:18:23,520 --> 00:18:27,559
- And he's got a top car - a
four-wheel drive Merc.
262
00:18:27,560 --> 00:18:30,759
It's only X reg though.
- A nice car.
263
00:18:30,760 --> 00:18:34,999
I saw one on Top Gear. Clarkson was
drooling over it.
264
00:18:35,000 --> 00:18:38,479
Yeah - very roomy.
265
00:18:38,480 --> 00:18:42,159
- Has he got kids?
- Yeah - mine.
266
00:18:42,160 --> 00:18:48,599
- Oh yeah. Sorry, Duffy.
- Let's hope they're putting their
muddy feet all over his back seat -
267
00:18:48,600 --> 00:18:53,479
like they did in my Punto.
- They're not cheap them cars.
268
00:18:53,480 --> 00:18:57,719
- 29,995 in good condition according
to Glass's Guide.
269
00:18:57,720 --> 00:19:02,079
- Our house didn't cost that much, did
it, Joan?
270
00:19:02,080 --> 00:19:06,319
When I bought my first house in 1953,
it cost ยฃ450.
271
00:19:06,320 --> 00:19:09,039
- It just shows you. Where was it?
272
00:19:09,040 --> 00:19:13,559
- Hibbert Street, round corner.
- Have you lived here all your life?
273
00:19:13,560 --> 00:19:19,159
- Not yet.
- Anyway, balls to it. I'm not
bothered how much money he has.
274
00:19:19,160 --> 00:19:24,120
He can have all the money in the
world. It can't buy you happiness.
275
00:19:26,280 --> 00:19:29,320
Has anyone seen my pie?
276
00:19:30,320 --> 00:19:34,439
- Have you heard about Giro Jim?
- Yeah!
- What's he done?
277
00:19:34,440 --> 00:19:37,999
- You know the Social are on at him to
get a job.
278
00:19:38,000 --> 00:19:42,559
- He comes out in a rash every time he
goes past the job centre.
279
00:19:42,560 --> 00:19:47,119
- He told the Social, he's a problem
with his eyes.
- He hasn't.
280
00:19:47,120 --> 00:19:51,200
- He said, "I just can't see myself
working."
281
00:19:53,000 --> 00:19:58,399
- Anyway, they'd had enough, so they
find him a job at the Regent cinema.
282
00:19:58,400 --> 00:20:03,559
They said he had to take it or stop
his benefits.
- He wouldn't like that.
283
00:20:03,560 --> 00:20:05,759
- He had to take it.
284
00:20:05,760 --> 00:20:09,799
- He soon got a bollocking for nicking
the pick and mix.
285
00:20:09,800 --> 00:20:16,039
They tell him to go up the ladder
outside and put the new title up. You
know those big red letters?
286
00:20:16,040 --> 00:20:19,839
- Aye.
- It's the new Clint Eastwood film
showing.
- Yeah.
287
00:20:19,840 --> 00:20:24,679
- He thinks he'll have a laugh, so as
he's spelling out Clint's name,
288
00:20:24,680 --> 00:20:29,280
he puts the L against the I so they're
touching and leave's it.
289
00:20:32,080 --> 00:20:34,279
Do you get it?
290
00:20:34,280 --> 00:20:36,880
- Oh, yeah! Yeah!
291
00:20:44,000 --> 00:20:48,759
- I saw a documentary about Eastwood
on the Biography Channel.
292
00:20:48,760 --> 00:20:52,360
According to some, Giro had it spot
on!
293
00:20:56,800 --> 00:21:01,599
- So did he get the sack?
- Course he did. He was made up about
it.
294
00:21:01,600 --> 00:21:06,999
He's back on the dole and back in the
boozer all day.
- He's a case.
295
00:21:07,000 --> 00:21:12,039
- We went past the Regent on Saturday,
they were showing that Willy Wonka.
296
00:21:12,040 --> 00:21:16,280
With my eyesight, I thought Giro had
got his job back!
297
00:21:22,000 --> 00:21:25,399
Hiya.
- Hiya Joe.
- Hiya.
298
00:21:25,400 --> 00:21:28,479
- I'm doing jury service, Joe.
299
00:21:28,480 --> 00:21:31,399
- Oh, right.
- Don't ask me about it.
300
00:21:31,400 --> 00:21:34,680
- Right, OK. Guinness please, Tanya.
301
00:21:35,680 --> 00:21:40,719
- I must say everybody's being very
understanding about my jury service.
302
00:21:40,720 --> 00:21:45,520
- Yeah.
- What with me not being able to say
anything about it.
303
00:21:46,640 --> 00:21:50,880
Aren't they?
- No.
304
00:21:51,840 --> 00:21:54,159
What's that smell?
305
00:21:54,160 --> 00:21:56,959
- You mean Tommy?
- No, the other one.
306
00:21:56,960 --> 00:21:59,799
Musical Youth passing the dutchie.
307
00:21:59,800 --> 00:22:02,479
Good job there's no cops about!
308
00:22:02,480 --> 00:22:06,599
Are you coming to the quiz night next
week, Joe?
309
00:22:06,600 --> 00:22:11,999
What's he on about - "No riff-raff?"
- I said that.
- We were a bit offended.
310
00:22:12,000 --> 00:22:14,639
- I thought he wanted to get people
in.
311
00:22:14,640 --> 00:22:17,279
Ignore it. Have your drink, Joe.
312
00:22:17,280 --> 00:22:20,719
Joe, you're going up in the world.
313
00:22:20,720 --> 00:22:25,159
- How do you mean?
- We saw your wife in Sainsbury's.
314
00:22:25,160 --> 00:22:29,519
- ALL: Oooh!
- She's probably buying organic veg.
315
00:22:29,520 --> 00:22:32,039
What were you two doing there?
316
00:22:32,040 --> 00:22:35,479
We go a lot, don't we Eddie?
- Yeah.
317
00:22:35,480 --> 00:22:40,399
- - You shop in Sainsbury's?
- We don't shop. We read the papers.
318
00:22:40,400 --> 00:22:44,439
- They're miles from the till, so
nobody bothers you.
319
00:22:44,440 --> 00:22:46,959
We have a right good browse.
320
00:22:46,960 --> 00:22:51,799
- We don't push it - we only read the
headlines and the telly pages.
321
00:22:51,800 --> 00:22:55,319
- We're there half an hour.
- To see what's on TV?
322
00:22:55,320 --> 00:22:58,959
- Joan's got to write it down.
- Bloody hell!
323
00:22:58,960 --> 00:23:01,479
- I'll see you soon, lads.
- Ken.
324
00:23:01,480 --> 00:23:06,519
- You're not driving, are you?
- Are we balls?
- Driving? Use your loaf, Ken.
325
00:23:06,520 --> 00:23:11,279
Imagine the stink that'd cause if we
got caught drink-driving.
326
00:23:11,280 --> 00:23:15,239
Do you wanna finish that off?
- I'll stick with this.
327
00:23:15,240 --> 00:23:19,119
- If you were any squarer, you'd be an
Oxo cube.
328
00:23:19,120 --> 00:23:21,639
Right, let's get that kebab.
329
00:23:21,640 --> 00:23:24,160
- Cheers, Ken.
- See you, take care.
330
00:23:26,480 --> 00:23:30,919
- And don't forget, Ken - smoking
kills.
- Pair of Clints.
331
00:23:30,920 --> 00:23:33,439
- LAUGHTER
332
00:23:33,440 --> 00:23:38,519
What's going on?
- It's John and Yoko giving peace a
chance.
- I could hear.
333
00:23:38,520 --> 00:23:40,759
You look lousy.
- I feel it.
334
00:23:40,760 --> 00:23:45,439
- Why don't you lie down? I'll look
after down here.
- Would you?
335
00:23:45,440 --> 00:23:49,319
- Yeah. Go on, get yourself off.
- Are you sure?
- Yes.
336
00:23:49,320 --> 00:23:55,200
- Aren't you lovely, you?
- Go and have a lie down, Ken.
- Thanks, love.
337
00:23:57,480 --> 00:24:02,519
- Will you be all right?
- Yeah, I've checked the till.
- You cheeky sod!
338
00:24:02,520 --> 00:24:05,480
THEY LAUGH
339
00:24:09,680 --> 00:24:14,919
How many times do I have to reassure
you, Duffy? Of course they will be.
340
00:24:14,920 --> 00:24:20,799
- Do you honestly think so?
- Kids don't change overnight.
- I hope not!
341
00:24:20,800 --> 00:24:25,959
- If they've put feet-marks on your
back seat, they'll put them on his.
342
00:24:25,960 --> 00:24:31,199
- Thanks, Joe.
- He's right, Duffy.
- She's wiped me out, you know?
343
00:24:31,200 --> 00:24:33,239
- How do you mean?
344
00:24:33,240 --> 00:24:36,719
- It's just a shell now, our house. No
furniture.
345
00:24:36,720 --> 00:24:40,759
All I've got left in that kitchen now
are bare cupboards.
346
00:24:40,760 --> 00:24:45,119
- Bloody hell, it's Old Mother
Hubbard.
- What do you sit on?
347
00:24:45,120 --> 00:24:48,719
- A deckchair out the shed. She forgot
about that!
348
00:24:48,720 --> 00:24:53,000
- Put your towel on it in case she
comes back for it(!)
349
00:24:54,640 --> 00:24:57,239
- Anyway...
350
00:24:57,240 --> 00:25:00,239
Right, I'm off.
- What's up?
351
00:25:00,240 --> 00:25:02,999
It's six o'clock.
- You've only been in a bit.
352
00:25:03,000 --> 00:25:07,839
- I know, but I've realised what I'm
becoming and I don't like it.
353
00:25:07,840 --> 00:25:11,119
Your eyes glaze over when I pour my
troubles out.
354
00:25:11,120 --> 00:25:13,559
It's not fair on you.
355
00:25:13,560 --> 00:25:15,400
- Here, here.
356
00:25:16,480 --> 00:25:19,479
- This is not a pub for losers.
357
00:25:19,480 --> 00:25:22,239
- GLASS SMASHES
358
00:25:22,240 --> 00:25:27,639
- That'd be the easy thing to do -
come here feeling sorry for myself,
359
00:25:27,640 --> 00:25:29,839
but that won't happen.
360
00:25:29,840 --> 00:25:34,759
Duffy's been to the bottom and he
doesn't like what he sees.
361
00:25:34,760 --> 00:25:38,279
There's only one way left for me to go
now...
362
00:25:38,280 --> 00:25:40,320
and that... is up.
363
00:25:41,920 --> 00:25:45,039
- See you tomorrow, Duffy.
- All right.
- Half-five?
364
00:25:45,040 --> 00:25:49,039
- Yeah. You're all going to see some
changes in me.
365
00:25:49,040 --> 00:25:51,719
- You've said!
- I can only apologise.
366
00:25:51,720 --> 00:25:54,879
The next time you lot see me...
367
00:25:54,880 --> 00:25:56,920
I'll be a new man.
368
00:26:09,560 --> 00:26:12,240
Has anyone got a tin opener?
369
00:26:20,840 --> 00:26:22,359
- Ken.
370
00:26:22,360 --> 00:26:24,879
- Are you decent?
371
00:26:24,880 --> 00:26:27,399
- Yeah.
- Shall I come back then(?)
372
00:26:27,400 --> 00:26:29,879
KEN LAUGHS
373
00:26:29,880 --> 00:26:35,919
- Thank goodness for that, I thought
it was my mam with some eggs chopped
up in a cup.
374
00:26:35,920 --> 00:26:38,319
- How are you feeling?
375
00:26:38,320 --> 00:26:41,239
- Shocking. My head's banging.
376
00:26:41,240 --> 00:26:44,239
Who's looking after the till?
377
00:26:44,240 --> 00:26:46,759
- I've locked it.
- Good girl.
378
00:26:46,760 --> 00:26:49,439
- Don't you worry about downstairs.
379
00:26:49,440 --> 00:26:52,479
I've phoned in work, taken a couple of
days off.
380
00:26:52,480 --> 00:26:54,679
I'll look after the pub.
381
00:26:54,680 --> 00:27:00,199
- You can't do that! Ring them back.
You can't waste your holidays on me.
382
00:27:00,200 --> 00:27:04,719
- No, I'm still getting paid! Told
them I've caught the flu off you.
383
00:27:04,720 --> 00:27:07,239
- You haven't, have you?
- Hmm.
384
00:27:07,240 --> 00:27:11,879
- What did they say?
- Said to have a couple of days in
bed, so budge up!
385
00:27:11,880 --> 00:27:14,399
- You've got a pub to run!
386
00:27:14,400 --> 00:27:16,919
- You'll have to make it up to me.
387
00:27:16,920 --> 00:27:20,959
- I will.
- You'll have to take me out, treat me
like a lady.
388
00:27:20,960 --> 00:27:23,799
Well... till you get me home!
389
00:27:23,800 --> 00:27:26,879
- They'll be three-deep at that bar
now.
390
00:27:26,880 --> 00:27:31,399
- You'll be lucky, there's only five
in.
- They might have formed a queue.
391
00:27:31,400 --> 00:27:33,919
- All right, I'm going.
392
00:27:33,920 --> 00:27:37,959
You get some rest, but think on about
what I've said.
393
00:27:37,960 --> 00:27:40,000
- I will.
394
00:27:41,560 --> 00:27:44,080
- Sweet dreams.
395
00:27:54,560 --> 00:27:58,079
- Aye, aye, captain! Where've you been
hiding?!
396
00:27:58,080 --> 00:28:00,639
- โช Rushing through the stars
397
00:28:00,640 --> 00:28:05,400
โช Captivated by the worlds beyond
398
00:28:06,760 --> 00:28:10,080
โช So far, unknown
399
00:28:12,080 --> 00:28:14,079
โช Floating in the car
400
00:28:14,080 --> 00:28:18,080
โช Past the gates of Must Destroy dot
com
401
00:28:20,240 --> 00:28:23,239
โช You aren't alone
402
00:28:23,240 --> 00:28:24,679
โช It's a small world
403
00:28:24,680 --> 00:28:27,520
โช And you've grown. โช
34588
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