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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:02,400 --> 00:00:08,600 ♪ You never have to feel that the night is yours alone 2 00:00:10,040 --> 00:00:12,639 ♪ Rushing through the stars 3 00:00:12,640 --> 00:00:16,600 ♪ Captivated by the worlds beyond 4 00:00:18,560 --> 00:00:21,639 ♪ You aren't alone 5 00:00:21,640 --> 00:00:25,800 ♪ It's a small world and you've grown. ♪ 6 00:00:27,240 --> 00:00:30,280 This programme contains adult humour 7 00:00:33,560 --> 00:00:35,719 CHEERING 8 00:00:35,720 --> 00:00:37,919 - Any more sausages, anyone? 9 00:00:37,920 --> 00:00:40,919 - Go on, Tanya. I'll have a couple. 10 00:00:40,920 --> 00:00:47,359 Meal of the day, this is. 11 00:00:47,360 --> 00:00:51,959 - Only cos it's costing you nowt! - Any more toast down there? - Coming up. 12 00:00:51,960 --> 00:00:55,999 - Can I have another Bud, please, Mel? - Showing off. Out with the big boys! 13 00:00:56,000 --> 00:00:59,759 - - Turn it in. - Have to carry him on the minibus! 14 00:00:59,760 --> 00:01:02,479 - He's going on life's great journey. 15 00:01:02,480 --> 00:01:06,199 Gonna go out a boy and come back a man. - Hey! 16 00:01:06,200 --> 00:01:08,759 - When's it your turn, Ken(?) 17 00:01:08,760 --> 00:01:11,040 - CHEERING 18 00:01:12,160 --> 00:01:16,079 - We'll all have another drink, please... I'll get these, boys. 19 00:01:16,080 --> 00:01:18,199 - I'll stay on my own. 20 00:01:18,200 --> 00:01:21,519 I don't want to get in a round. - You're all right. 21 00:01:21,520 --> 00:01:24,680 - Go on, then. 22 00:01:25,840 --> 00:01:31,479 Can I have a packet of crisps for later on? - Bloody hell! It's not harvest festival! 23 00:01:31,480 --> 00:01:35,399 Give him an inch! - Nice bacon, this. Is it back or middle? 24 00:01:35,400 --> 00:01:39,399 - I couldn't give a shit, Eddie. - It's nice and lean. 25 00:01:39,400 --> 00:01:41,759 Hey, Ken, is it "lean back"?! 26 00:01:41,760 --> 00:01:44,840 Get it, lads? Is it "lean back"? 27 00:01:46,720 --> 00:01:49,079 Hey, lean back for breakfast, lads! 28 00:01:49,080 --> 00:01:51,479 - Come on, Eddie. Settle down now. 29 00:01:51,480 --> 00:01:52,959 - Oh. 30 00:01:52,960 --> 00:01:58,879 Phil and Nige are leaving it a bit late, aren't they? - Pinky and Perky? I bet they don't come. 31 00:01:58,880 --> 00:02:02,199 Better off without Starsky and Hutch, aren't we? 32 00:02:02,200 --> 00:02:05,639 - I hope they come. - You're always slagging them off. 33 00:02:05,640 --> 00:02:08,919 - It'll make minibus cheaper for us if they do. 34 00:02:08,920 --> 00:02:13,799 - Yeah. - Typical police, never around when you need them. - Bollocks to 'em. 35 00:02:13,800 --> 00:02:18,399 - Yeah, bollocks to 'em. I'd sooner they drank in The Oak all the time. 36 00:02:18,400 --> 00:02:22,920 - Why don't they? - They don't like the landlord, bit of a creeping git. 37 00:02:25,720 --> 00:02:27,959 What? 38 00:02:27,960 --> 00:02:33,479 - I'd rather we pay more and they don't come at all. - You haven't paid anything yet. 39 00:02:33,480 --> 00:02:35,599 - He's right, though, in't he? 40 00:02:35,600 --> 00:02:38,439 - Know why they're not coming? - Why? 41 00:02:38,440 --> 00:02:41,320 - Cos they won't eat their own! 42 00:02:45,000 --> 00:02:47,320 - Here you go, lads. - Hurray! 43 00:02:51,640 --> 00:02:55,119 - Thanks, love. - Hey up, talk of the devil. 44 00:02:55,120 --> 00:02:58,319 - Hey, lads! Oh, it's great to see you! 45 00:02:58,320 --> 00:03:02,079 I told you they wouldn't let us down. 46 00:03:02,080 --> 00:03:05,839 Come on. What are you having? These are on me. 47 00:03:05,840 --> 00:03:11,439 - Make that two, please, Ken. 48 00:03:11,440 --> 00:03:16,759 - Melanie, can I have two pints of bitter for the guys? - OK, gents? ALL: Aye! 49 00:03:16,760 --> 00:03:20,879 - What about some breakfast, boys? We've got some nice pork sausages. 50 00:03:20,880 --> 00:03:25,919 There you go, police tape. 51 00:03:25,920 --> 00:03:30,479 - What's that for? - If we can't find a parking space, we can make our own. 52 00:03:30,480 --> 00:03:35,799 - What did I tell you, lads? The British police, the best in the world. 53 00:03:35,800 --> 00:03:38,759 - Cracking top you got there, Ken. 54 00:03:38,760 --> 00:03:41,920 Bit big for a jockey, aren't you? LAUGHTER 55 00:03:45,080 --> 00:03:48,799 - Not doing the match today, lads? - We got out of it, Ken. 56 00:03:48,800 --> 00:03:52,359 - Never get to see it properly. - Tony's sick, though. 57 00:03:52,360 --> 00:03:56,279 - Who? - My brother, Tony. We sneak him in every week down the front. 58 00:03:56,280 --> 00:03:59,519 Dislikes being in a wheelchair for 90 minutes, 59 00:03:59,520 --> 00:04:03,519 but he gets a free parking space. Gets to see the match for nowt. 60 00:04:03,520 --> 00:04:07,919 - Can't grumble, can he? - Dozy git stood up to go for a piss last week. 61 00:04:07,920 --> 00:04:13,199 Nearly throttled him, shouted, "Praise the Lord!" to try and cover up for him. 62 00:04:13,200 --> 00:04:17,879 I think people sussed it. I had to wheel him down the other end. 63 00:04:17,880 --> 00:04:22,639 His mates at work took the piss when they found out. - He didn't tell them? 64 00:04:22,640 --> 00:04:26,760 - There was a picture of him meeting Jimmy Savile before the match. 65 00:04:28,360 --> 00:04:33,119 Centre circle, this was. We didn't know where to look. Got no shame. 66 00:04:33,120 --> 00:04:36,519 - CHEERING 67 00:04:36,520 --> 00:04:39,719 They're under starter's orders and they're off! 68 00:04:39,720 --> 00:04:41,959 What are these strippers called? 69 00:04:41,960 --> 00:04:44,319 - Twin Cheeks! 70 00:04:44,320 --> 00:04:46,879 - CHEERING 71 00:04:46,880 --> 00:04:50,719 - Hey, these fellas have already seen them, haven't you? 72 00:04:50,720 --> 00:04:54,799 - Good? 73 00:04:54,800 --> 00:04:58,479 Can you pick up a pound coin between the cheeks of your arse? 74 00:04:58,480 --> 00:05:02,160 - I bet he can! And you won't get the bugger back! 75 00:05:03,800 --> 00:05:07,559 - No, they're the best, Twin Cheeks, honest. 76 00:05:07,560 --> 00:05:12,399 One of the CID lads was mouthing off, you know the type. - Yeah. 77 00:05:12,400 --> 00:05:16,439 - They got sick of it, dragged him up, cuffed him to the pole in the middle 78 00:05:16,440 --> 00:05:20,519 and they were dancing round him, all over him, he's lapping it up. 79 00:05:20,520 --> 00:05:24,879 Next thing, they de-bag him - trousers, Y-fronts, the lot. 80 00:05:24,880 --> 00:05:29,919 He's running round that pole, trying to get his undies off the girls. 81 00:05:29,920 --> 00:05:32,959 The whole place was in uproar. 82 00:05:32,960 --> 00:05:36,680 Know what they call him at work? Inch High Private Eye! 83 00:05:39,120 --> 00:05:42,919 Next outing, he's got a button mushroom in his pocket. 84 00:05:42,920 --> 00:05:47,000 You saw the policeman's balls at the policeman's ball! 85 00:05:48,120 --> 00:05:52,800 How's that, fellas? The policeman's balls at the policeman's ball. 86 00:05:54,520 --> 00:05:56,679 < Hey! Hey! 87 00:05:56,680 --> 00:06:00,519 - Eddie, that's it. One more and we're leaving you here. 88 00:06:00,520 --> 00:06:02,880 - Righto. 89 00:06:06,440 --> 00:06:10,599 - Are you all set for your big day? - Mm-hm. Are you all set for yours? 90 00:06:10,600 --> 00:06:14,439 - Bit nervous. - When are you meeting him? - Half-past eight. 91 00:06:14,440 --> 00:06:17,799 - I wonder if he'll look like you? 92 00:06:17,800 --> 00:06:22,239 - Probably. He's my dad, in't he? - He'll be a good-looking guy, then! 93 00:06:22,240 --> 00:06:25,759 Hey, listen, I can still come with you, you know. 94 00:06:25,760 --> 00:06:28,839 - No, you go and enjoy yourself. 95 00:06:28,840 --> 00:06:32,199 I need to do this on my own. - All right. 96 00:06:32,200 --> 00:06:35,599 Don't you worry. You'll be fine. - Yeah. 97 00:06:35,600 --> 00:06:40,599 - Listen, we're going to the races, but he's backed the winner today. 98 00:06:40,600 --> 00:06:43,719 - Oh, thanks. 99 00:06:43,720 --> 00:06:48,479 It's love, that, isn't it? - I think so. - No, it must be. 100 00:06:48,480 --> 00:06:53,360 Holding hands when you're not even on your holidays. - Yeah. 101 00:06:54,320 --> 00:06:58,639 I know you've organised this do, but can I sit up front with the driver? 102 00:06:58,640 --> 00:07:01,559 - Nothing will give me more pleasure. 103 00:07:01,560 --> 00:07:04,759 - I was having a look at my map last night. 104 00:07:04,760 --> 00:07:09,799 I'm pretty sure he's gonna go M60, M62, and the A1 straight into York. 105 00:07:09,800 --> 00:07:14,799 - He'd be right. That's the way. - No, that's a popular myth. It's wrong. 106 00:07:14,800 --> 00:07:17,879 - Bloody hell, Eddie. - You know... - I'm not listening. 107 00:07:17,880 --> 00:07:22,399 Oh, I'll get us there. - Good. 108 00:07:22,400 --> 00:07:28,759 - He'll know the temporary traffic lights at Samuel St, but he won't know the quickest way round them. 109 00:07:28,760 --> 00:07:31,959 DOOR OPENS - Whatever, Eddie. He's here now. 110 00:07:31,960 --> 00:07:34,359 - Ready when you are. 111 00:07:34,360 --> 00:07:39,679 - Eddie Bell, as in "ding-dong". - Here we go. It's all happening here, boys. 112 00:07:39,680 --> 00:07:46,279 Sup up. Get in the bus and fasten yourselves in. The Big Boy Beano is about to take off! 113 00:07:46,280 --> 00:07:52,959 Don't worry about further refreshments. I have a crate of ale to put on, courtesy of the brewery. 114 00:07:52,960 --> 00:07:57,039 - That's good of them. - They don't know about it yet. 115 00:07:57,040 --> 00:07:59,359 - Right, have you all finished? 116 00:07:59,360 --> 00:08:05,399 - Have you got a bit of foil, Tanya? - Yeah, why? - Could you wrap me up a few sausages for later on? 117 00:08:05,400 --> 00:08:11,439 - Bloody hell, Tommy. We're meant to be watching some races, not feeding the buggers. Come on. 118 00:08:11,440 --> 00:08:17,479 Put her down, you soppy sod, and get on the coach. - See you later. - Good luck. - Good luck to you too. 119 00:08:17,480 --> 00:08:19,800 - Can you pass us that crate, petal? 120 00:08:21,720 --> 00:08:23,759 - Have a nice time, love. 121 00:08:23,760 --> 00:08:26,399 - I'll be thinking about you, love. 122 00:08:26,400 --> 00:08:29,960 - Thanks, Dad. - Come on, boys, sup up. 123 00:08:31,240 --> 00:08:33,279 Here we go. 124 00:08:33,280 --> 00:08:35,399 - Bye, Eddie, lad. 125 00:08:35,400 --> 00:08:38,599 - Don't forget, Tanya. We open at 12 and 5.30. 126 00:08:38,600 --> 00:08:41,679 Ring that bell at 11 and they all go home. 127 00:08:41,680 --> 00:08:45,319 - I'll wring your neck if you don't get on that bus. 128 00:08:45,320 --> 00:08:51,439 - ♪ Oh, the Camptown Races sing this song, doo-dah, doo-dah! 129 00:08:51,440 --> 00:08:55,799 - ♪ Oh, the Camptown Races come along Doo-doo-doo-dah-day... ♪ 130 00:08:55,800 --> 00:08:59,599 - Quiet... Get that, Eddie. - What? - Quiet. 131 00:08:59,600 --> 00:09:01,799 Listen. - What? - Shh! 132 00:09:01,800 --> 00:09:08,039 I think I can hear the lads in The Oak. They're talking about our day out. 133 00:09:08,040 --> 00:09:10,319 - CHEERING 134 00:09:10,320 --> 00:09:15,719 ♪ Oh, the Camptown Races sing this song, doo-dah, doo-dah! 135 00:09:15,720 --> 00:09:19,719 ♪ Oh, the Camptown Races come along Oh, doo-dah-day...! ♪ 136 00:09:19,720 --> 00:09:22,880 SONG CONTINUES 137 00:09:39,080 --> 00:09:41,279 MEN SING 138 00:09:41,280 --> 00:09:43,319 ♪ Sex bomb, sex bomb 139 00:09:43,320 --> 00:09:46,919 ♪ You can do it to me when I need to come along 140 00:09:46,920 --> 00:09:51,439 ♪ Sex bomb, sex bomb You're my sex bomb 141 00:09:51,440 --> 00:09:54,799 ♪ Baby, you can turn me on! 142 00:09:54,800 --> 00:09:57,879 ♪ Sex bomb, sex bomb... ♪ 143 00:09:57,880 --> 00:10:01,519 - Keep your voices down! I'm trying to sleep up here! 144 00:10:01,520 --> 00:10:03,679 - THEY CHEER 145 00:10:03,680 --> 00:10:07,239 ♪ Cheer up, sleepy Jean 146 00:10:07,240 --> 00:10:09,999 ♪ Oh, what can it mean? 147 00:10:10,000 --> 00:10:13,839 ♪ To a daydream believer 148 00:10:13,840 --> 00:10:20,159 ♪ And a homecoming queen? ♪ 149 00:10:20,160 --> 00:10:22,279 - Go home to your wives! 150 00:10:22,280 --> 00:10:25,560 - I would do if I knew where she lived. 151 00:10:26,520 --> 00:10:31,159 - Bloody hell, that Tanya must have slung her hook early. 152 00:10:31,160 --> 00:10:34,719 Bet she finished at dinner time, the lazy sod. 153 00:10:34,720 --> 00:10:38,079 - ♪ Sex bomb, sex bomb You're my sex bomb 154 00:10:38,080 --> 00:10:41,959 ♪ You can do it to me when I need to come along 155 00:10:41,960 --> 00:10:46,119 ♪ Sex bomb, sex bomb You're my sex bomb 156 00:10:46,120 --> 00:10:49,479 ♪ Baby, you can turn me on! ♪ 157 00:10:49,480 --> 00:10:54,959 - What's all t'racket about? You've woke me up now. - Sorry, Mum. 158 00:10:54,960 --> 00:11:00,679 Want you drunk on that plane. 159 00:11:00,680 --> 00:11:04,519 - Giro Jim's gonna taxi us there at seven o'clock. 160 00:11:04,520 --> 00:11:06,759 - Not in his brother's ice-cream van? 161 00:11:06,760 --> 00:11:09,239 - LAUGHTER 162 00:11:09,240 --> 00:11:12,279 - He knows how to turn the tune off now. 163 00:11:12,280 --> 00:11:16,479 - I've left your travelling clothes on your bed. 164 00:11:16,480 --> 00:11:18,639 - CHEERING 165 00:11:18,640 --> 00:11:20,759 ♪ How I love you, how I love you 166 00:11:20,760 --> 00:11:23,919 ♪ My dear old mammy! ♪ 167 00:11:23,920 --> 00:11:26,559 Packed his bucket and spade as well? 168 00:11:26,560 --> 00:11:30,279 - Look at the state of you lot. 169 00:11:30,280 --> 00:11:33,719 Had a good day, have you? - Brilliant, Jean. 170 00:11:33,720 --> 00:11:37,759 - Was it good at Bamboo, then? - Not really. Wasn't our cup of tea. 171 00:11:37,760 --> 00:11:41,159 - No, no good, Jean. - Waste of money. 172 00:11:41,160 --> 00:11:43,759 - Keep noise down. Going back to bed. 173 00:11:43,760 --> 00:11:45,799 - All right. 174 00:11:45,800 --> 00:11:47,959 - Hey, what is she like?! 175 00:11:47,960 --> 00:11:50,879 - Mum, is Melanie back? 176 00:11:50,880 --> 00:11:55,279 - She'll be here soon. She rang earlier. They've been for a meal. 177 00:11:55,280 --> 00:11:58,559 - Did she say anything? - No, she were on and off. 178 00:11:58,560 --> 00:12:01,879 She'll be fine, though. Night, then. ..Night, lads. 179 00:12:01,880 --> 00:12:04,680 - ALL: Night! 180 00:12:07,560 --> 00:12:12,719 "It wasn't really our cup of tea"! You could have held a tea cosy on yours! 181 00:12:12,720 --> 00:12:16,399 ♪ Sex bomb, sex bomb 182 00:12:16,400 --> 00:12:18,719 ♪ You're my sex bomb 183 00:12:18,720 --> 00:12:22,119 ♪ You can do it to me when I need to come along! ♪ 184 00:12:22,120 --> 00:12:26,959 - How does it go again, Tommy? - Piss off! That was his fault. 185 00:12:26,960 --> 00:12:33,519 I only said it was your birthday to get some free bubbly. I didn't know they'd have you up onstage. 186 00:12:33,520 --> 00:12:36,319 I didn't like him at all. 187 00:12:36,320 --> 00:12:39,359 - Eddie, will you shut up about that bloody driver? 188 00:12:39,360 --> 00:12:44,799 - I only said he'd taken a wrong turning. Slammed his brakes on, nearly killed me. 189 00:12:44,800 --> 00:12:47,839 - That's when we started the collection for him. 190 00:12:47,840 --> 00:12:51,359 - He should have taken the left at the first roundabout. 191 00:12:51,360 --> 00:12:54,519 - Whatever, Eddie, I'm having a piss. 192 00:12:54,520 --> 00:12:56,559 - Right, these are on the house. 193 00:12:56,560 --> 00:13:00,479 - Do you know what he said when I handed him the collection? 194 00:13:00,480 --> 00:13:05,519 He didn't, did he? 195 00:13:05,520 --> 00:13:09,799 I left it there. He said, "I'm sure you know the quickest route to it!" 196 00:13:09,800 --> 00:13:12,079 Bloody rude, he was. 197 00:13:12,080 --> 00:13:17,879 Get these curtains shut. We don't want the police spoiling the party. - Liam, draw those curtains. 198 00:13:17,880 --> 00:13:22,240 - ♪ Sex bomb, sex bomb You're my sex bomb... ♪ 199 00:13:24,000 --> 00:13:27,640 All right, Ken? Give us a lift with this. 200 00:13:32,080 --> 00:13:36,799 - Have you told Duffy yet, about his missus playing away? - No, not yet. 201 00:13:36,800 --> 00:13:43,319 Doing a Gillian Taylforth. 202 00:13:43,320 --> 00:13:48,439 And you're not sure? What more do you want? You'll have to tell him. 203 00:13:48,440 --> 00:13:52,519 - How can I tell him? I can't do that. I'm his best mate. - Exactly. 204 00:13:52,520 --> 00:13:55,880 - All right, all right, I'll tell him. 205 00:13:57,200 --> 00:13:59,639 - Definite? - Yeah. 206 00:13:59,640 --> 00:14:03,360 - Shake on it? - I'd rather not, Ken. 207 00:14:06,440 --> 00:14:09,359 - Bloody hell, it's you, you shitehawk! 208 00:14:09,360 --> 00:14:13,079 - I can't be the only one who's won. Who's up and who's down? 209 00:14:13,080 --> 00:14:14,319 I'm up. 210 00:14:14,320 --> 00:14:18,760 But up at the Bamboo! 211 00:14:22,160 --> 00:14:24,879 - Come on, Ken, get me ale on. 212 00:14:24,880 --> 00:14:28,559 - Oh, I nearly forgot. I got summat to tell you. - What? 213 00:14:28,560 --> 00:14:32,999 - Couple of nights ago, you weren't in, just after chucking-out time, 214 00:14:33,000 --> 00:14:37,839 I ended up walking Janice home. Went up to her flat for a nightcap. 215 00:14:37,840 --> 00:14:42,559 - Knew you'd start knocking her off again. - No, no, let me finish. 216 00:14:42,560 --> 00:14:48,599 She wouldn't let me. Tried my best, like, but it's not me she wants any more. It's you. 217 00:14:48,600 --> 00:14:51,599 - Bloody hell - ME?! 218 00:14:51,600 --> 00:14:55,919 - I know. That's what I thought. - That's what I thought, an' all. 219 00:14:55,920 --> 00:14:58,639 - How do you know? - Tanya told me. 220 00:14:58,640 --> 00:15:03,119 - It's definitely love as well. - How do you know that? 221 00:15:03,120 --> 00:15:05,399 - She'd only let me get her tits out. 222 00:15:05,400 --> 00:15:08,839 - Bloody hell. You're playing with fire there, Duffy. 223 00:15:08,840 --> 00:15:13,079 - Er... I've got something to tell you an' all, mate. 224 00:15:13,080 --> 00:15:14,559 - What? 225 00:15:14,560 --> 00:15:20,319 With her boss in Bolton? 226 00:15:20,320 --> 00:15:21,519 - Yeah. 227 00:15:21,520 --> 00:15:24,079 - You know, just down the road? 228 00:15:24,080 --> 00:15:25,599 - Yeah. 229 00:15:25,600 --> 00:15:28,599 - And she's stopping overnight. 230 00:15:28,600 --> 00:15:30,159 - Yeah. 231 00:15:30,160 --> 00:15:35,759 - Well, I feel a bit bad about this, like, but, er... 232 00:15:35,760 --> 00:15:37,359 - What? 233 00:15:37,360 --> 00:15:38,879 - Er... 234 00:15:38,880 --> 00:15:42,359 I can't look after your kids when you go to Trina's. 235 00:15:42,360 --> 00:15:44,999 - Bloody hell! Is that all? 236 00:15:45,000 --> 00:15:49,239 Don't worry about that. I'll sort something else out, mate. 237 00:15:49,240 --> 00:15:51,479 - Cheers, mate. - Yeah. 238 00:15:51,480 --> 00:15:54,360 - (I couldn't tell him.) 239 00:15:55,320 --> 00:15:56,960 - Shit! 240 00:15:58,320 --> 00:16:01,079 Shit! 241 00:16:01,080 --> 00:16:03,959 How stupid can I get? 242 00:16:03,960 --> 00:16:08,320 - Are you all right, Duffy? - I forgot to tape Robot Wars! 243 00:16:10,640 --> 00:16:13,079 - Bloody hell! 244 00:16:13,080 --> 00:16:17,199 - You caved in there. - I didn't see you jumping up, Spartacus(!) 245 00:16:17,200 --> 00:16:18,480 Eh? 246 00:16:20,200 --> 00:16:22,480 - Eh, Janice, eh, Ken? 247 00:16:25,280 --> 00:16:27,319 - Forgot your cigs, dickhead. 248 00:16:27,320 --> 00:16:29,680 - Hey, Twin Cheeks, hey! 249 00:16:30,680 --> 00:16:33,199 Four good reasons to return. 250 00:16:33,200 --> 00:16:38,479 What about Tommy? Headfirst into Silicone Valley! 251 00:16:38,480 --> 00:16:43,959 - What were they like close-up? - I don't know. I had cream all over my glasses! 252 00:16:43,960 --> 00:16:47,079 It looked like a pawnbroker's sign! 253 00:16:47,080 --> 00:16:53,399 - I'm going to cap the night off with a nice cigar. Would anybody like to join me? 254 00:16:53,400 --> 00:16:55,559 - Oh, aye. - Yeah. 255 00:16:55,560 --> 00:17:00,519 They part of the round? - You've more cheek than what we've just seen. 256 00:17:00,520 --> 00:17:03,959 - Thank you. Are they Cuban? - King Edward's. 257 00:17:03,960 --> 00:17:06,279 - Named after me, eh, Ken? 258 00:17:06,280 --> 00:17:10,239 - Do you want one or not? - Yes, please. 259 00:17:10,240 --> 00:17:12,559 - There you go, boys. 260 00:17:12,560 --> 00:17:14,719 Pass them along. - Ta. 261 00:17:14,720 --> 00:17:19,999 - There you go, buddy. - Cheers, Joe. - There you go, mate. 262 00:17:20,000 --> 00:17:22,479 Get your chops round that. 263 00:17:22,480 --> 00:17:26,680 - Thanks, Ken. - There you go. Suck not blow. 264 00:17:30,680 --> 00:17:35,119 Bloody hell, Eddie, what are you doing? - Unlucky third light, Ken. 265 00:17:35,120 --> 00:17:38,640 - It will be for you if you do that again. 266 00:17:42,120 --> 00:17:44,439 - Very nice. 267 00:17:44,440 --> 00:17:47,200 Oh-oh-oh-oh! 268 00:17:50,840 --> 00:17:56,799 - So, Liam, took her out for a meal, eh? - He owes her one, doesn't he? 269 00:17:56,800 --> 00:18:00,759 - He owes her a lot more than that, son. - What's all this? 270 00:18:00,760 --> 00:18:06,680 What are you on about? - You know our Melanie? - Yeah. - You know she's not mine, don't you? - Yeah. 271 00:18:07,920 --> 00:18:11,239 - You fellas all know that, don't you? - Oh, aye. 272 00:18:11,240 --> 00:18:14,479 - Nothing to be ashamed of. - I know that, Eddie. 273 00:18:14,480 --> 00:18:16,840 - Too good-looking to be yours, Ken. 274 00:18:18,360 --> 00:18:22,439 - Well, she's gone to meet her real dad tonight. 275 00:18:22,440 --> 00:18:25,839 Never seen him before. - Oh, heck. - I'm not bothered. 276 00:18:25,840 --> 00:18:29,080 I suggested she contact him. - Oh, right. 277 00:18:30,880 --> 00:18:33,800 - Mind you, I didn't think she would. 278 00:18:35,600 --> 00:18:41,799 I wouldn't have suggested it if I'd have known that. - Be all right. Nothing to worry about. 279 00:18:41,800 --> 00:18:46,599 - I'm not worried. He's a shithouse. He got my ex-missus pregnant. 280 00:18:46,600 --> 00:18:52,719 When he found out, he shot off like Ben Johnson. - Spineless git! - Taken her out for a slap-up meal tonight. 281 00:18:52,720 --> 00:18:57,680 He hasn't given her shite for 18 years. 282 00:18:58,640 --> 00:19:03,119 She'll not be impressed. She'll see through that, won't she, Liam? 283 00:19:03,120 --> 00:19:06,240 - Aye, definitely, aye. - Yeah. 284 00:19:07,240 --> 00:19:09,279 Are you sure? 285 00:19:09,280 --> 00:19:10,959 - Definitely. 286 00:19:10,960 --> 00:19:13,480 THEY ALL AGREE 287 00:19:14,600 --> 00:19:16,879 - She's my will, that girl. 288 00:19:16,880 --> 00:19:19,279 And you all know that, don't you? 289 00:19:19,280 --> 00:19:23,559 - Oh, aye. - I brought her up. - And you've done a good job an' all. 290 00:19:23,560 --> 00:19:26,639 She pulls a smashing pint, Ken. 291 00:19:26,640 --> 00:19:29,120 - She's my daughter. 292 00:19:30,120 --> 00:19:33,600 She always has been and she always will be. - Yeah. 293 00:19:34,960 --> 00:19:38,680 - She'll not be impressed, will she, Liam? - No. 294 00:19:42,080 --> 00:19:44,119 - Are you sure? 295 00:19:44,120 --> 00:19:48,080 - Positive, Ken. - Oh, aye. 296 00:19:50,560 --> 00:19:55,119 - Anyway, we've had a bloody good day out, haven't we, lads? 297 00:19:55,120 --> 00:19:58,479 - ALL: Yeah! - Great! 298 00:19:58,480 --> 00:20:02,319 - It must be eating away at you, Ken, all that on your mind. 299 00:20:02,320 --> 00:20:05,759 Righto. 300 00:20:05,760 --> 00:20:08,520 Nice cigars, Ken. 301 00:20:10,640 --> 00:20:14,319 JOE HUMS HAMLET CIGAR THEME 302 00:20:14,320 --> 00:20:17,200 EVERYONE JOINS IN 303 00:20:28,280 --> 00:20:32,640 - Happiness is a cigar you haven't paid for. 304 00:20:33,600 --> 00:20:37,879 Now, then, now, then! 305 00:20:37,880 --> 00:20:41,559 I have a letter here from Ken Dixon of The Grapes. 306 00:20:41,560 --> 00:20:47,279 It says, "Dear Jimmy, would you fix it for me and my mates 307 00:20:47,280 --> 00:20:50,399 "to get pissed as farts at York Races, 308 00:20:50,400 --> 00:20:54,479 "get a right eyeful at the Bamboo... 309 00:20:54,480 --> 00:20:59,479 "and have old Tommy get a round of beers in?" 310 00:20:59,480 --> 00:21:01,639 CHEERING 311 00:21:01,640 --> 00:21:05,880 As it happens, Ken, there are some things even Sir Jimmy cannot fix. 312 00:21:07,280 --> 00:21:09,359 Here's Showaddywaddy! 313 00:21:09,360 --> 00:21:11,839 - Here you are, here you are. 314 00:21:11,840 --> 00:21:14,120 Who's this? 315 00:21:15,360 --> 00:21:16,759 - Who? 316 00:21:16,760 --> 00:21:18,960 - Monica Lewinsky! 317 00:21:21,360 --> 00:21:25,799 - Have you got one, Tommy? - Come on, City! Come on, blue boys! 318 00:21:25,800 --> 00:21:29,359 - You can't be a City fan. - I'm doing Malcolm Allison. 319 00:21:29,360 --> 00:21:33,039 Him and Joe Mercer, best managers they ever had. 320 00:21:33,040 --> 00:21:37,079 I remember that team - Fell, Lee, Summerbee. 321 00:21:37,080 --> 00:21:41,559 Charlton, Law and Best over at Old Trafford. Great days! 322 00:21:41,560 --> 00:21:44,839 - The golden age of football. - A damn sight cheaper! 323 00:21:44,840 --> 00:21:50,639 - You need to be on a footballer's wage to afford to get in these days. - Yeah. 324 00:21:50,640 --> 00:21:58,119 THE golden age of football was after the war. Played their hearts out for a tanner and a Satsuma at half-time. 325 00:21:58,120 --> 00:22:03,599 - He's right. - Love of the game, they played for, not love of money. It's ruined game. 326 00:22:03,600 --> 00:22:05,719 - It's ruined you. 327 00:22:05,720 --> 00:22:09,079 - I don't know what you're talking about. 328 00:22:09,080 --> 00:22:12,959 Football's better than ever. Premiership's best in the world. 329 00:22:12,960 --> 00:22:18,559 - Is it balls?! There's no characters in the game. They're all the same nowadays. 330 00:22:18,560 --> 00:22:24,199 They had fun in the '70s and '80s, not just on the park, but off it as well. 331 00:22:24,200 --> 00:22:26,479 - Agreed. - I mean, look at Bestie. 332 00:22:26,480 --> 00:22:33,399 Miss Worlds coming out of his ears, lots of money in the bank, partying till dawn the day of the match. 333 00:22:33,400 --> 00:22:36,679 - Yeah, the fifth Beatle. - They were real stars. 334 00:22:36,680 --> 00:22:39,919 - - What about David Beckham? - What about Beckham? 335 00:22:39,920 --> 00:22:45,719 Captain Sensible - all settled down with a family. That's no example to set to teenagers, is it? 336 00:22:45,720 --> 00:22:48,439 - They want to be out with Bestie - 337 00:22:48,440 --> 00:22:52,479 pouring that pyramid of champagne, Miss World tickling your arse, 338 00:22:52,480 --> 00:22:56,239 week's wages on a neddy - that's Premiership football! 339 00:22:56,240 --> 00:22:58,679 - I prefer entertainment on the pitch. 340 00:22:58,680 --> 00:23:01,359 No better entertainment than Bestie. 341 00:23:01,360 --> 00:23:07,919 He'd run rings round them first half, get a hat-trick in the second, and he'd have scored at half-time... 342 00:23:07,920 --> 00:23:10,639 - Hey, with Miss World! 343 00:23:10,640 --> 00:23:14,839 - It was all football hooliganism in the '70s. We don't want that back. 344 00:23:14,840 --> 00:23:17,959 It still goes on. Don't kid yourself, son. 345 00:23:17,960 --> 00:23:19,999 We've got it under better control. 346 00:23:20,000 --> 00:23:25,279 - You have. - It's all down to surveillance, close-circuit TV - that was the breakthrough. 347 00:23:25,280 --> 00:23:28,079 They've no idea you're watching 'em. 348 00:23:28,080 --> 00:23:32,879 Loads of talent goes to football matches these days. - Bloody hell! 349 00:23:32,880 --> 00:23:37,119 - In summer, that control room's full of bobbies, queuing up outside. 350 00:23:37,120 --> 00:23:43,479 - Some job you got. - Has its perks. You didn't complain when we got you in the races free. 351 00:23:43,480 --> 00:23:47,199 No, you did well there, lads. - Yeah, you're right. 352 00:23:47,200 --> 00:23:51,239 Should have put a complaint in, though. - They're thoughtless. 353 00:23:51,240 --> 00:23:55,559 - No proper wheelchair access. I didn't see a ramp all day. 354 00:23:55,560 --> 00:24:02,079 Hadn't been there, we'd be stuck. 355 00:24:02,080 --> 00:24:06,760 - I've got blisters on my hands. - You got them watching Twin Cheeks! 356 00:24:08,160 --> 00:24:12,960 - Look on the bright side. Least we didn't have to queue for a piss. 357 00:24:25,560 --> 00:24:27,840 LIAM STARTS COUGHING 358 00:24:31,680 --> 00:24:35,839 - Melanie's leaving it late. - She'll be here soon, Ken. 359 00:24:35,840 --> 00:24:37,959 - Ah, yeah, yeah. 360 00:24:37,960 --> 00:24:41,559 Hey, what a cracking day we've had, eh, lads? 361 00:24:41,560 --> 00:24:44,479 - THEY CHEER 362 00:24:44,480 --> 00:24:48,199 I've had a great day. You can't beat a blokes' day out. 363 00:24:48,200 --> 00:24:51,399 I always enjoy the craic, as you know. 364 00:24:51,400 --> 00:24:55,439 A lot of people think Eddie's a man's man, and they're right. 365 00:24:55,440 --> 00:24:58,639 I enjoy the banter, you can vouch for that. 366 00:24:58,640 --> 00:25:02,719 To be honest, Eddie's just as comfortable with the ladies. 367 00:25:02,720 --> 00:25:08,359 - What are you on about? - Ladies. I give them the patter, you see. Oh, they love it. 368 00:25:08,360 --> 00:25:14,199 - They love to hear the patter of your feet when you finally piss off! - Oh, unnecessary, Ken. 369 00:25:14,200 --> 00:25:17,879 - I'm bloody starving, me. Got any sarnies left, Ken? 370 00:25:17,880 --> 00:25:21,959 - I could eat a sandwich. - You've done nowt but eat all day. 371 00:25:21,960 --> 00:25:26,840 No sausages left? - Got one out at the Bamboo till the bouncers saw! 372 00:25:28,760 --> 00:25:31,079 Very funny, Nigel(!) 373 00:25:31,080 --> 00:25:33,639 ALL: Oooh! 374 00:25:33,640 --> 00:25:37,999 - I've only got crisps. - Cheese and onion, then. - Salt and vinegar. 375 00:25:38,000 --> 00:25:42,039 - A round of drinks an' all, lads? - THEY CHEER 376 00:25:42,040 --> 00:25:45,919 I'll get these out of my winnings. ALL: What?! 377 00:25:45,920 --> 00:25:50,119 - I must be kaylied, lads. I heard Tommy say he'd get the drinks in. 378 00:25:50,120 --> 00:25:55,559 - No, you said you were getting the drinks. I'm only getting the crisps. 379 00:25:55,560 --> 00:25:58,439 < I'm not made of money. 380 00:25:58,440 --> 00:26:02,919 - My heart couldn't have taken it - you getting a round in. 381 00:26:02,920 --> 00:26:07,639 - One cheese and onion, one salt and vinegar... Anybody else want a bag? 382 00:26:07,640 --> 00:26:10,079 ♪ You walk in the joint 383 00:26:10,080 --> 00:26:16,319 ♪ Boom! Boom! I could see you were a man of distinction 384 00:26:16,320 --> 00:26:18,879 ♪ A real big spender 385 00:26:18,880 --> 00:26:22,159 ♪ Good-looking, so refined... ♪ Piss off! 386 00:26:22,160 --> 00:26:26,479 ♪ Would you like to know what's going on in my mind? 387 00:26:26,480 --> 00:26:29,559 ♪ So let me get right to the point... ♪ 388 00:26:29,560 --> 00:26:31,680 - Hiya. - Hello, love. 389 00:26:32,680 --> 00:26:34,999 - THEY STOP SINGING 390 00:26:35,000 --> 00:26:39,079 What's he doing with that cigar? - Choking mostly. 391 00:26:39,080 --> 00:26:41,959 Tommy's getting the crisps in. 392 00:26:41,960 --> 00:26:46,319 - He's not, is he? - Been that kind of day, love. - Had a good time, then? 393 00:26:46,320 --> 00:26:48,799 ALL: Oh, aye! 394 00:26:48,800 --> 00:26:54,279 - We've had a belting day. How did you get on? - Great. It went really well. 395 00:26:54,280 --> 00:26:58,119 Not now, Eddie. 396 00:26:58,120 --> 00:27:02,239 Do they know? - Liam said something when he'd had a few drinks. 397 00:27:02,240 --> 00:27:06,879 Anyway, there's nothing to mind, is there? We're all pleased for you. 398 00:27:06,880 --> 00:27:09,559 Thanks. 399 00:27:09,560 --> 00:27:11,320 OK. 400 00:27:14,080 --> 00:27:19,239 - He's nice. Yeah. 401 00:27:19,240 --> 00:27:23,359 - Oh, great. - He took me for a meal at Dimitri's. 402 00:27:23,360 --> 00:27:25,599 - Dimitri's, eh? 403 00:27:25,600 --> 00:27:28,039 Good of him. Not cheap there. 404 00:27:28,040 --> 00:27:30,920 - No, it was lovely. 405 00:27:31,960 --> 00:27:35,119 - And, er, will you be seeing him again? 406 00:27:35,120 --> 00:27:37,479 - Definitely. We really got on. 407 00:27:37,480 --> 00:27:39,560 - Oh, right. 408 00:27:45,560 --> 00:27:48,999 You know I'm delighted for you, don't you? 409 00:27:49,000 --> 00:27:52,440 I know how much this means to you. - Thanks. 410 00:27:55,560 --> 00:27:57,720 - You only get one dad. 411 00:27:59,320 --> 00:28:02,280 - And you're mine. 412 00:28:23,040 --> 00:28:25,080 - To the regiment! 413 00:28:26,080 --> 00:28:28,679 - ALL: I wish I was there! 414 00:28:28,680 --> 00:28:31,119 ♪ Rushing through the stars 415 00:28:31,120 --> 00:28:35,720 ♪ Captivated by the worlds beyond 416 00:28:37,400 --> 00:28:40,640 ♪ So far unknown 417 00:28:41,720 --> 00:28:44,199 ♪ Floating in a car 418 00:28:44,200 --> 00:28:48,000 ♪ Pass the gates of mustdestroy.com 419 00:28:50,880 --> 00:28:53,639 ♪ You aren't alone 420 00:28:53,640 --> 00:28:58,120 ♪ It's a small world and you've grown. ♪ 35637

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