All language subtitles for That 70s Show S06E12 1080p BluRay x264-YELLOWBiRD

Hey, guys.

This is my co-cadet at the
Police Academy, Suzy Simpson.

Simpson, these are my friends.

Take a good look, 'cause
you'll probably be arresting

some of them in the future.

You're right!

This one looks like the guy in the
"What Drugs Can Do to You" filmstrip.

So you're a cop, huh?

You don't look like a cop.

You look kind of giggly.

All right, Simpson needed
to give me a ride home,

'cause I sprayed myself with
mace to see what it'd feel like.

Hey, so, Suzy, which
Charlie's Angel is your favorite?

The brainy one?
The sporty one?

Or the one that
just can't find a bra?

Mine's the one that
just can't find a bra.

Charlie's Angels are
an embarrassment to the badge.

No real cop would last a day
dressed like those sluts.

Hey!
Those sluts are my heroes!

Hey, thanks for
giving me a ride, Simpson.

We back up our own.

Point Place Police
Corps Free Safe Streets!

What's her problem
with Charlie's Angels?

Ugh, I bet she watches PBS.

So you and Simpson been friends
for almost two days now, huh?

Isn't it about time
you got her pregnant?

No! It's different
with me and Simpson.

For the first time ever, I
have a girl that's just a friend.

Like, when Simpson talks,
I actually listen

instead of watching
her boobs go up and down.

Kelso. You've finally
gotten past the stage

where you have to look
at every woman's chest.

Congratulations.

Not exactly. I'm looking
at yours right now.

And may I say,
congratulations to you.

You're such a perv.

And thank you.

Oh, hey.

What took you guys so long
at the heart doctor's?

Oh, let me guess. You
had to call in a specialist

just to find Dad's tiny heart.

You know, we could call in a
specialist to find my foot in your ass.

"We're going to need
an ass-foot-ologist, stat."

Your father's blood pressure
is still high,

and the doctor
can't figure out why.

So he wants to send
some moron over

to find the source of my stress.

And I said,
"The source of my stress

"is when you quacks
try to pad my medical bill."

And then the machine went "Beep",
and the appointment was over.

You know, I don't know
what you're so worried about.

They're just going to blame me.

Shrinks love to blame the wife.

What do they know?
They're barely doctors.

A stuffed animal and a box
of tissues could do their job.

Why is Red so stressed?

It's a mystery.

Just like when Nancy Drew
had to figure out

why the man in the clock tower
was so mean to his cat.

What did she find out?

Oh, I don't know,
books are too long.

♪ Hanging out

♪ Down the street

♪ The same old thing

♪ We did last week

♪ Not a thing to do

♪ But talk to you

♪ We're all all right

♪ We're all all right

Hello, Wisconsin!

Hi! I'm the stress management
specialist, Stuart

- Sutcliffe.
- Sutcliffe!

You played tight
end for the Packers!

Yeah, till I bent
my knee sideways.

Actually, that happened to me
in the school musical.

I was a dancing mushroom.

Anyway, long story short...

I finished the number.

This is my son, Eric.

Oh, oh,

and I am his loving,
relaxing wife, Kitty.

How about that.

A real, live Packer
in the house.

Well, I hope the fact
that you both love sports

doesn't mean that anyone,
like, say, his wife

would be judged unfairly.
I mean, I love sports, so...

So don't start me off
with four strikes

in the last quarter
of the Super Series!

No, no. Today I'm
just a neutral observer

with a degree in Family
Therapy and Alcohol Awareness.

So, Dad, you can talk
to him about sports,

and, Mom, you can
talk to him about drinking.

Oh, pooh!

I was instructed by the doctor to
have the occasional medicinal cocktail.

I have a note.

Red, how do you feel
about Kitty's drinking?

Makes things easier.

But drinking often adds a
lot of stress to a household.

If you will excuse me, I'd rather not
stay here and listen to you blame me.

Mother hater!

Well, I hope nobody minds
if I record today's session.

Yay, this is your
lucky day, son.

They say
the camera adds 15 pounds.

Really?

I heard it also adds
a full head of hair.

Hey, Kitty. You busy?

No. Red and I are just
having our marriage dissected

by a teetotaling know-it-all!

Oh. Then is now a good time
to tell Red I broke his chainsaw?

No, he'll be furious with you.

Yes. He will be furious
with you!

Come with me.

So then,
all the mushrooms jitterbug.

Stuart, Stuart.

This is Bob, the stress causer.

Bob broke Red's chainsaw.

Bob, meet Stuart.
Stuart, blame Bob.

Red, how do you feel about Bob?

Does he cause you stress?

Not really.
Bob's just kind of goofy.

Like a cartoon. Like
living next to Elmer Fudd.

That may be the nicest thing
you've ever said about me.

You wascal.

Oh, so, fine.

Now you're best friends.
Now everyone's all happy,

and I look like the crazy one,

just yelling and screaming in
the middle of the living room.

Well, I am not the crazy one,

even though I am yelling and
screaming in the middle of the living room!

Is that a camera?

Yes. I'm
recording today's session.

Well, isn't that just
something I didn't know.

Michael. We got issued
our cop sunglasses.

I've been using them to scare
the crap out of civilians all day.

Drop the records, punk!

I wasn't stealing them.

Yes, I was.

Fez, this is Suzy Simpson.
She and I are training to be cops.

Oh, if there's more like you
at the Police Academy,

that Academy deserves an award.

Academy Award, that's funny.

Yeah, Simpson's wanted
to be a cop for, like, forever.

Yeah, it's because of
the weapons, mostly.

I love things that
make a lot of noise.

Guns and boys.

Well, then, load me up, baby,
'cause I'm ready to go bang.

Well, I'd better go. I've
gotta stop at the candy store.

- All right.
- Wait.

You like candy?

Yeah. I'm out of
Good & Plenty.

It says on the box
that there's plenty,

- but it's never enough.
- But it's never enough.

Jinx! One, two, three, four,
five, you owe me a Coke!

That is the woman I've been
searching for my whole life.

Hey, do you want me
to see if she likes you?

Kelso, we've been
down that road.

Just give me her address,
some binoculars,

and I'll handle the rest myself.

Now, while we're filming,

let's just pretend the
camera's not even here.

Now, you're going to interact, I'm
going to write down my observations.

While you're writing down stuff,

would you mind
autographing this football?

It's brand-new,
kid never touched it.

Hey, what's going on?

Dude, we're on TV.

Does this thing work?

Hey, Steven, point it at me.

Good morning, Dallas!

I'm Jackie Sunshine
with your morning weather!

It is going to be sunny today,

so you ladies who let yourselves
go this winter, stay inside

and leave the fellows
to us pretty girls.

Please stop touching my camera.

Well, what a lovely day here

in the household of the Formans.

I can't say there's
a place I'd rather be

than with these kinds of
people in this kind of place.

What are you,

Scarlett O'Hara, now?

I am being
soft and gracious. Now, clam it!

Mom, you know,
they have talkies now.

Oh, forget it.

I give up. Where is the
off button on this thing?

Mrs. Forman, I need
to see things as they happen!

This silly... Oopsie!

All right, you clock this lady
doing 38 in a 35 zone.

Recite it and write it.

License and registration, ma'am.

Use the glasses,
they're powerful.

It's like a gun you
wear on your face.

Licence and registration, ma'am.

Oh, that felt good.

Guess what?

I know someone who likes you

and thinks that you're cute
and smart and funny.

Well, I think I know
who you're talking about

and I like him, too.

Well, what do you
like about him?

I like how hot he looks
sitting across from me

in a blue t-shirt
eating a hot dog.

You just described me.

Oh, crap.

Man, I thought Simpson
was different.

She's supposed to
just be my buddy.

Now I'm going to
have to sleep with her.

No, Michael, no.
Set her up with Fez.

He's the one who likes her.

Yeah, Fez needs something, man.

The guy's so desperate,

he's been rubbing himself
around the couch like a cat.

What you need to do is put them
together in a romantic situation.

Suzy may not like Fez at first,

but he won't take
"No" for an answer.

He's like one freaky,
horny little dude.

Just ask the couch.

Hey, I was thinking
maybe tomorrow

you could help me brush
up on my target practice.

It's a date.

Yeah, I'd be there,
you'd be there...

On a date.

So, I'll see you at
the shooting range.

For our date.

Your first date
with Suzy's all set up,

and she told me
that she's crazy about you.

Well, I'd like to say
I'm surprised,

but I'm a little
crazy about me, too!

Well, it's all set.

Fez is going on
a date with Suzy,

who's going on a date with me,
and doesn't know

she's going on a date with Fez.

I'm ready for our date, Michael.

I'm ready for our date, Suzy.

- Oh, yeah.
- Oh, yeah.

Such a shame you won't
be able to film anymore.

Look, there's one last
exercise I want to try.

Role-playing.
All right, go.

All right. Now,
you're going to be Eric.

Eric, you're going
to be your father.

Mr. Forman,
you can start.

Well...

I'm just a skinny,
smart-mouthed kid

who always has something
to say about everything.

And I wish I was an octopus

so I could put eight feet
in eight different asses!

Star Wars, Star Wars, Star Wars!

Dead commies, dead commies,
dead commies!

All right, time out, time out!

I think I know
what the problem is.

All right, fine.
I drink a little.

What?

I have a very difficult job, and I
come home at night, and, well...

Drinks are her nightly reward.

Mrs. Forman,

I believe the source of
your husband's stress is...

Oh, here it comes.

...your son.

- Him?
- Me?

It's not me?
Oh, boy!

You think my problem
is my own son?

My son is a fine young man.

- Wow, Dad, you don't have...
- Shut up, dumb ass.

You know less about my family
than you do about football!

Which isn't saying much,

since you dropped every
pass that came near you!

And let me tell
you something else.

When a real
Packer hurts his leg,

he stuffs his kneecap back in
and keeps on running!

That's what this little
mushroom would have done.

I love this place.

The sweet smell of gunpowder,

the deafening boom
of shotgun blasts...

Oops. That kind of talk's more
appropriate for the bedroom. I apologize.

Knock, knock?

Who's there? Ivan! Ivan who?

Ivan awful lot of
candy for the both of us!

Fez?

Well, if it's not me, then there's some
lucky bastard who looks just like me.

Michael, I thought it was just going
to be you, me and a box of hot lead!

Well, it's even better.

It's you, me
and a box of hot Fez.

Kelso, this wasn't
part of the deal.

What wasn't part of the deal?

You! So beat it.

I want her to smell
nothing but me.

Okay.

You know what,
I'm kind of in the way.

I'm going to go next door,

and maybe you can
show Fez how to shoot.

Try to close the deal before
she realizes you're a foreigner.

So, where do we start?

I could rifle
through the manual,

but why don't you just
give me the bullet points?

Fez, I never joke about guns.

Oh. Shoot.

I have no discipline.

Okay.

You're gonna just take aim

and squeeze gently.

Here, put these on
and take a few shots.

I'm just going to go check
on Michael so he's not alone.

Cologne?

Oh, yeah, I mixed
a bunch of different ones

and, you know,
I make my own scent.

Hey, Michael.

Do you want me to hold your
shoulders while you shoot,

or maybe square off your thighs?

You know whose thighs
need squaring off?

Fez's.

Yeah, bad.

Oh, and by the way,

he also told me that
he thinks you're really nice.

Oh, well, he's nice, too.

And now that I can understand
some of what he's saying,

he's kind of charming.

Oh, look, a rabbit.

I love animals.

You know who
really loves animals?

Fez.

- He does?
- Yeah.

The bunny!

I got dinner!

And then my dad actually
gave me a compliment.

"My son's a
fine young man."

That's, like, the most loving thing
he's said to me since he told me that

I could be worse.

Are you sure Red
was talking about you?

I mean, I love you, but you
are a little high maintenance.

And not in a good way like me.

Remember when it took Red all
summer to teach you how to catch a ball

'cause you were
too scared of it?

First, Red had him
look at a picture of a ball.

Then he put him in
a room with a ball.

And then he moves him closer

until he wasn't screaming
being right next to the ball.

What is so scary about a ball?

It's that... People throw
it right at you, okay?

I'm sorry about what I did
to that poor bunny.

I guess my gun really had
a "hare" trigger, huh?

Too soon?
Yes, too soon.

Well, I apologize for
ruining our first date.

Our first date?

No, I was there on
a date with Michael.

What? No, no, he told me
we were on a date.

He told me we were on a date.

You and me "we,"
or he and you "we"?

I think one of us
has been lied to.

And the other one, too!

Well, then, you should be
very angry, which means

I am, too!

Hey, why don't you
two kiss and make up?

Michael, what kind of game
are you playing,

inviting me on a date
that wasn't with you?

Yeah, I second that,
but about her,

and add,
"You son of a bitch!"

Okay, look, I have a really
good explanation for this.

But I left it at home.

Oh, Dad.

Uh, about what you said to
the stress management guy.

I just wanted to say thanks.

Okay, okay.
You said it.

We're both embarrassed,
now move along.

No, I mean, look, I could be
a little less of a smart ass.

And you're my father.

Your life matters to me.

- So, anyway, Dad, I...
- Eric,

If you say "I love you,"
my heart is going to explode.

Ah, kitty, uh,
what's for dinner?

Well, the camera's off,

so I'm having
a margarita with salt.

You two are on your own.

Kelso.

So, this is where you go after
a hard day of screwing me over!

All right, look,
Fez, I'm really sorry.

Zip it, fool!

You stole my girl.

And I really need a girl.

Here, Fez.

You're probably going to want
some personal time with the couch.

I even plumped up
the pillows for you.

No, I cannot be
in the same room with him.

You and I are through.

Now good day.

But, Fez...

Fez? He said,
"But, Fez."

Oh, I heard him.

Well, now you're
supposed to say...

"I say good day."

Yeah, and then we all know
that you're really mad,

but eventually,
you'll get over it.

Oh, you'd like that.

"Dance, monkey, dance."

Well, Kelso, this monkey
don't dance no more.

But, Fez...

I said, "Good day!"
Arrrh!

Wow, Fez, it was so nice
of you to make dinner for us.

Yeah, this is amazing.

Well, food always tastes
better when it's fresh.

So, what is this, anyway?

Well, let's just say that the
Easter Bunny came early this year,

so I shot him.