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1
00:00:02,093 --> 00:00:04,181
♪♪♪
2
00:00:04,223 --> 00:00:06,685
Laverne is so annoying.
3
00:00:06,727 --> 00:00:09,398
Why does Shirley keep
putting up with her crap?
4
00:00:09,440 --> 00:00:14,448
She has to.
They're in love.
5
00:00:14,490 --> 00:00:16,745
Again, kelso,
6
00:00:16,786 --> 00:00:19,374
Laverne and Shirley
are not lesbians.
7
00:00:19,416 --> 00:00:21,503
Trust me,
8
00:00:21,545 --> 00:00:25,802
they're one bottle of
wine away from making out.
9
00:00:25,844 --> 00:00:28,974
Just like you two.
10
00:00:29,016 --> 00:00:30,818
Kelso, don't you have
something more important
11
00:00:30,853 --> 00:00:32,731
to talk about right now?
12
00:00:32,773 --> 00:00:34,275
If you got a topic
more important
13
00:00:34,316 --> 00:00:37,363
than girl-on-girl
action, I'd like to hear it.
14
00:00:37,406 --> 00:00:38,909
How about the fact
15
00:00:38,951 --> 00:00:41,997
that Brooke's got your
feeble-minded bun in her oven.
16
00:00:42,039 --> 00:00:44,752
Look, she can't
be pregnant, okay?
17
00:00:44,794 --> 00:00:46,504
It just
can't be true.
18
00:00:46,546 --> 00:00:49,427
Michael, this is not something
girls lie about, okay?
19
00:00:49,469 --> 00:00:53,016
I would know. I'm an
expert on girl lies.
20
00:00:53,058 --> 00:00:56,064
Kelso, you're gonna have to
do something about this.
21
00:00:56,106 --> 00:00:58,567
No, but doing something
is not in my nature.
22
00:00:58,609 --> 00:01:00,446
"Ignore," "avoid,"
"run away"...
23
00:01:00,488 --> 00:01:03,576
These words have been
very good to me.
24
00:01:03,618 --> 00:01:04,536
You're horrible.
25
00:01:04,578 --> 00:01:05,580
What a pig.
26
00:01:05,622 --> 00:01:07,541
You know what?
27
00:01:07,583 --> 00:01:09,228
You girls don't even know
what I'm going through here.
28
00:01:09,252 --> 00:01:10,923
You can have
all the sex you want,
29
00:01:10,965 --> 00:01:14,637
you don't have to worry
about getting anyone pregnant.
30
00:01:14,680 --> 00:01:19,187
♪♪♪
31
00:01:19,228 --> 00:01:22,694
Laurie, try these
banana-walnut pancakes.
32
00:01:22,735 --> 00:01:24,738
I know you've always
had a thing for nuts.
33
00:01:24,780 --> 00:01:28,370
Every man in town
knows that.
34
00:01:28,411 --> 00:01:29,747
Why men?
35
00:01:29,789 --> 00:01:31,333
Oh, never mind.
36
00:01:33,629 --> 00:01:36,009
You guys,
an agent from immigration
37
00:01:36,051 --> 00:01:38,095
is coming to check on
Fez and Laurie's marriage,
38
00:01:38,137 --> 00:01:40,641
and if he finds out it's
fake, Fez could get deported.
39
00:01:40,683 --> 00:01:42,854
But this marriage is
based on love. Right, honey?
40
00:01:42,896 --> 00:01:44,899
Don't touch me.
41
00:01:44,940 --> 00:01:49,031
Fine. I'll give you 20 bucks
to pretend to be my wife.
42
00:01:49,073 --> 00:01:51,410
That's gotta
sound familiar.
43
00:01:53,163 --> 00:01:55,709
Steven, if you keep doing
that, it's gonna be really hard
44
00:01:55,751 --> 00:01:59,132
for me to pretend I don't
know what you're talking about.
45
00:01:59,174 --> 00:02:03,598
Then I should go
because it's just too easy...
46
00:02:03,639 --> 00:02:05,142
Like Laurie.
47
00:02:08,065 --> 00:02:10,401
When is this I.N.S. Man
gonna be here?
48
00:02:10,443 --> 00:02:12,906
Sometime this week.
It's a surprise visit.
49
00:02:12,948 --> 00:02:15,702
So I have
to stay here.
50
00:02:15,744 --> 00:02:18,875
Stay here?
51
00:02:18,917 --> 00:02:21,755
With red? Oh, no.
I can't allow that.
52
00:02:21,797 --> 00:02:24,176
Why not?
Red loves me.
53
00:02:24,218 --> 00:02:26,096
Honey, you gave him
a heart attack.
54
00:02:26,138 --> 00:02:30,478
Maybe he just
loves Fez so much
55
00:02:30,519 --> 00:02:33,024
that his heart exploded.
56
00:02:34,903 --> 00:02:38,075
Please, miss kitty,
let me stay.
57
00:02:38,117 --> 00:02:39,619
Mom, come on.
58
00:02:39,661 --> 00:02:41,498
Okay, you win.
59
00:02:41,539 --> 00:02:43,877
Oh, thank you.
60
00:02:43,919 --> 00:02:45,630
That was a sexy hug.
61
00:02:45,672 --> 00:02:47,842
You really put some
boom-boom into it, huh?
62
00:02:50,848 --> 00:02:54,604
♪ Hangin' out ♪
63
00:02:54,646 --> 00:02:58,110
♪ down the street ♪
64
00:02:58,152 --> 00:03:02,034
♪ the same old thing ♪
65
00:03:02,075 --> 00:03:05,414
♪ that you did last week ♪
66
00:03:05,456 --> 00:03:09,922
♪ not a thing to do ♪
67
00:03:09,964 --> 00:03:13,470
♪ but talk to you ♪
68
00:03:13,512 --> 00:03:15,140
♪ we're all all right ♪
69
00:03:15,182 --> 00:03:17,018
♪ we're all all right ♪♪
70
00:03:17,060 --> 00:03:20,316
Hello, Wisconsin!
71
00:03:24,823 --> 00:03:28,872
♪♪♪
72
00:03:28,914 --> 00:03:30,542
♪ row, row, row your boat ♪
73
00:03:30,584 --> 00:03:32,503
♪ gently down the stream ♪
74
00:03:32,545 --> 00:03:34,131
♪ soapy, soapy,
scrubby, scrubby ♪
75
00:03:34,173 --> 00:03:36,135
♪ Fez is nice and clean ♪♪
76
00:03:36,177 --> 00:03:38,305
What the hell?!
77
00:03:43,815 --> 00:03:46,612
I don't know what you heard,
but this show ain't free.
78
00:03:51,703 --> 00:03:55,460
What is this doing here?
79
00:03:55,501 --> 00:03:58,299
Okay, red, he just has to
stay here for a few days.
80
00:03:58,340 --> 00:04:02,890
But kitty,
he was in my shower.
81
00:04:02,932 --> 00:04:06,730
He saw my legs.
82
00:04:06,772 --> 00:04:07,731
And he saw pepe.
83
00:04:07,774 --> 00:04:09,735
Shut up.
84
00:04:12,865 --> 00:04:15,830
Listen, dad,
the I.N.S. Is coming,
85
00:04:15,871 --> 00:04:17,833
and if they find out
this marriage is fake,
86
00:04:17,874 --> 00:04:19,753
Fez could get deported.
87
00:04:19,795 --> 00:04:23,844
Well,
that's anwar's problem.
88
00:04:23,885 --> 00:04:25,847
Oh, but I cannot
go back home.
89
00:04:25,888 --> 00:04:27,599
I'm an American now.
90
00:04:27,641 --> 00:04:30,647
I'm lazy, fat, and soft.
91
00:04:30,689 --> 00:04:31,858
Like you.
92
00:04:34,988 --> 00:04:37,493
Look, you deserve
what you get.
93
00:04:37,534 --> 00:04:40,289
You tricked Laurie into
this mess of a marriage.
94
00:04:40,331 --> 00:04:44,463
She's innocent
and naive.
95
00:04:44,505 --> 00:04:46,299
The only reason she got
caught up in this
96
00:04:46,341 --> 00:04:48,845
is because
she loves too much.
97
00:04:50,807 --> 00:04:53,145
Well,
that last part's true.
98
00:04:53,187 --> 00:04:58,946
♪♪♪
99
00:05:02,035 --> 00:05:03,872
Shoot, it's Brooke.
Hide me.
100
00:05:03,914 --> 00:05:05,917
Hey!
101
00:05:05,958 --> 00:05:09,590
I'm sorry, Donna. Squeezing
your butt gives me courage.
102
00:05:11,009 --> 00:05:13,472
So, Michael...
103
00:05:13,514 --> 00:05:16,310
You split pretty quick
the other day.
104
00:05:16,352 --> 00:05:18,731
Maybe we should talk
or something.
105
00:05:18,773 --> 00:05:20,901
You got it.
106
00:05:22,780 --> 00:05:24,575
One sec.
107
00:05:26,202 --> 00:05:27,997
Kelso!
108
00:05:28,039 --> 00:05:29,959
Donna, let go of my leg!
109
00:05:30,000 --> 00:05:32,004
I swear I got no problem
kicking a girl!
110
00:05:32,046 --> 00:05:36,387
Look, you've done a lot of
stupid crap over the years...
111
00:05:36,429 --> 00:05:38,098
You stole my panties.
112
00:05:38,140 --> 00:05:40,269
You tied my hamster
to a bottle rocket.
113
00:05:40,311 --> 00:05:42,898
And I don't know
how many times
114
00:05:42,940 --> 00:05:44,859
I caught you peeping
through my window.
115
00:05:44,901 --> 00:05:46,863
Five.
116
00:05:46,905 --> 00:05:50,329
Look, the point is,
I let it all slide
117
00:05:50,370 --> 00:05:53,292
because underneath I knew
you were a good guy.
118
00:05:53,334 --> 00:05:55,086
But if you bail on Brooke,
119
00:05:55,128 --> 00:05:56,755
I will never
respect you again,
120
00:05:56,797 --> 00:05:59,051
and neither
will anybody else.
121
00:05:59,093 --> 00:06:01,848
Look, I know, okay?
I know.
122
00:06:01,889 --> 00:06:04,894
I just...
I don't know what to do.
123
00:06:04,937 --> 00:06:07,399
Well, kelso, you need
to go talk to her.
124
00:06:07,441 --> 00:06:09,903
Okay.
Good.
125
00:06:09,945 --> 00:06:11,448
What?
126
00:06:11,490 --> 00:06:14,412
"Touch Donna pinciotti's
panties for 5 bucks.
127
00:06:14,454 --> 00:06:16,706
Call Michael kelso"?
128
00:06:22,801 --> 00:06:25,931
♪♪♪
129
00:06:25,973 --> 00:06:30,482
And that was the first time
I ever tasted chocolate.
130
00:06:30,524 --> 00:06:32,903
That's
a great story, man,
131
00:06:32,944 --> 00:06:34,989
but, uh, it's like
2:00 in the morning.
132
00:06:35,031 --> 00:06:37,952
So we gotta go to sleep.
133
00:06:37,994 --> 00:06:40,290
But I forgot my tape
of my ocean sounds.
134
00:06:42,420 --> 00:06:45,425
And I cannot fall asleep
without it.
135
00:06:45,466 --> 00:06:49,515
Can you make
ocean sounds for me?
136
00:06:49,557 --> 00:06:52,437
Yeah,
I'm not doing that.
137
00:06:52,478 --> 00:06:54,064
Okay,
then let me tell you
138
00:06:54,106 --> 00:06:57,613
about the first time
I ate a blow pop.
139
00:06:57,654 --> 00:07:00,158
Lick number one...
What a surprise.
140
00:07:15,686 --> 00:07:18,399
You are forgetting
the whale songs.
141
00:07:18,441 --> 00:07:23,073
Listen, man, I've only
been to the ocean once,
142
00:07:23,115 --> 00:07:25,328
and the closest thing
I saw to a whale
143
00:07:25,369 --> 00:07:28,040
was some fat guy
selling drugs.
144
00:07:28,082 --> 00:07:32,674
Fine. Lick number two...
Still no gum?
145
00:07:51,122 --> 00:07:54,128
What the hell are you
doing to yourself?!
146
00:07:54,170 --> 00:07:57,091
Oh, great, dad.
You know what?
147
00:07:57,133 --> 00:08:00,055
You woke him up,
you put him back to sleep!
148
00:08:03,143 --> 00:08:06,191
♪♪♪
149
00:08:06,233 --> 00:08:09,112
Hey.
150
00:08:09,154 --> 00:08:11,199
Uh...
151
00:08:11,241 --> 00:08:13,119
It's been
pointed out to me
152
00:08:13,161 --> 00:08:17,293
that I've been acting
a little flaky about, um...
153
00:08:17,335 --> 00:08:19,088
Our situation.
154
00:08:19,129 --> 00:08:21,718
I disagree. Flaky means
you're not consistent.
155
00:08:21,760 --> 00:08:25,057
You run away
every time you see me.
156
00:08:25,099 --> 00:08:27,102
Anyway, uh...
157
00:08:27,143 --> 00:08:29,774
I think we should talk
about what we're gonna do.
158
00:08:29,815 --> 00:08:31,754
I'm sure you're gonna want me
to meet your parents,
159
00:08:31,778 --> 00:08:36,452
and lucky for you,
I look good in a suit.
160
00:08:36,493 --> 00:08:39,708
Hell, I look good in anything,
but you already know that.
161
00:08:39,750 --> 00:08:43,506
Actually, don't
worry about it.
162
00:08:43,548 --> 00:08:45,468
As far as the baby
and I are concerned,
163
00:08:45,509 --> 00:08:47,639
you're off the hook.
164
00:08:47,680 --> 00:08:49,767
So, you're just
letting me go?
165
00:08:49,809 --> 00:08:51,395
Yep.
166
00:08:51,437 --> 00:08:55,318
You don't have to think
about this ever again.
167
00:08:55,359 --> 00:08:57,948
And I won't!
168
00:08:59,701 --> 00:09:01,621
Wow! You're like
the coolest girl
169
00:09:01,663 --> 00:09:03,458
I ever did it with
at a concert!
170
00:09:05,544 --> 00:09:08,717
♪♪♪
171
00:09:08,759 --> 00:09:12,683
Oh, honey,
you look terrible.
172
00:09:12,724 --> 00:09:15,144
Oh, you don't look
so hot yourself, sister.
173
00:09:17,607 --> 00:09:19,276
I beg your pardon.
174
00:09:19,318 --> 00:09:21,280
Red made me sleep
in the basement,
175
00:09:21,322 --> 00:09:22,908
and every time I started
to fall asleep,
176
00:09:22,950 --> 00:09:26,790
Hyde would put
a popsicle on my neck.
177
00:09:26,832 --> 00:09:28,961
That's
my daddy's chair.
178
00:09:29,003 --> 00:09:31,841
That's my daddy's chair.
179
00:09:31,883 --> 00:09:34,637
Fez, look, man,
180
00:09:34,679 --> 00:09:36,766
you gotta start
kissing red's butt a little,
181
00:09:36,808 --> 00:09:38,811
or he's gonna make
sure you get deported.
182
00:09:38,853 --> 00:09:40,773
He should be kissing
my butt
183
00:09:40,815 --> 00:09:44,612
for taking his trashy
daughter off his hands.
184
00:09:44,655 --> 00:09:46,115
I'm not that trashy.
185
00:09:46,157 --> 00:09:47,911
I won't
sleep with you.
186
00:09:47,952 --> 00:09:50,040
Oh, zip it, jezebel.
187
00:09:53,921 --> 00:09:56,801
Out of my chair, Tonto.
188
00:09:58,721 --> 00:10:01,059
Oh, come on.
A chair is a chair.
189
00:10:01,100 --> 00:10:03,563
Branch out a little.
Try the piano bench.
190
00:10:03,605 --> 00:10:05,858
What did you say?
191
00:10:05,900 --> 00:10:07,612
Laurie, go get
a cup of milk.
192
00:10:07,653 --> 00:10:08,948
Why?
193
00:10:08,989 --> 00:10:10,450
It'll keep
Fez's teeth alive
194
00:10:10,491 --> 00:10:12,746
until we get him
to the dentist.
195
00:10:16,376 --> 00:10:21,052
Hi, sir. Hal Armstrong from
the immigration service.
196
00:10:21,094 --> 00:10:22,972
I'm here to conduct
some interviews.
197
00:10:23,013 --> 00:10:26,019
What do you want to know?
'Cause I'll tell you everything.
198
00:10:26,061 --> 00:10:29,858
Is it too late to give
you back your chair?
199
00:10:29,900 --> 00:10:32,113
Oh, no,
don't get up.
200
00:10:32,154 --> 00:10:34,450
This could be the last
time you sit on furniture
201
00:10:34,492 --> 00:10:37,122
that you didn't build
out of mud and twigs.
202
00:10:45,427 --> 00:10:47,055
♪♪♪
203
00:10:47,097 --> 00:10:48,892
So, agent Armstrong,
204
00:10:48,934 --> 00:10:51,355
can't wait to tell you
all about this marriage.
205
00:10:51,396 --> 00:10:53,150
You got handcuffs, right?
206
00:10:53,191 --> 00:10:56,404
Red. Red, why don't you
help me in the kitchen?
207
00:10:56,446 --> 00:10:58,534
Laurie, make our guest
comfortable.
208
00:10:58,575 --> 00:11:00,872
Hey, g-man.
209
00:11:02,499 --> 00:11:05,587
Okay, red, just because
he sat in your chair
210
00:11:05,629 --> 00:11:09,636
is no reason to get
the boy deported.
211
00:11:09,678 --> 00:11:11,807
You don't like me
because I'm not from here.
212
00:11:11,849 --> 00:11:14,854
This has
nothing to do
213
00:11:14,896 --> 00:11:16,816
with you
being a foreigner.
214
00:11:16,858 --> 00:11:19,779
It's about you taking
advantage of my daughter
215
00:11:19,821 --> 00:11:21,909
like a sneaky foreigner.
216
00:11:23,619 --> 00:11:25,539
Wait, dad, look.
217
00:11:25,581 --> 00:11:27,919
I stayed home from college
to take care of you and mom
218
00:11:27,960 --> 00:11:30,506
in your hour of need.
Okay, you owe me.
219
00:11:30,548 --> 00:11:34,889
That is just like a
woman to bring that up.
220
00:11:34,931 --> 00:11:39,731
You know, Laurie could get
in a lot of trouble, too.
221
00:11:39,773 --> 00:11:40,983
What kind of trouble?
222
00:11:41,025 --> 00:11:43,529
Big trouble, dad.
She could go to jail...
223
00:11:43,571 --> 00:11:46,701
Or back to jail.
224
00:11:46,743 --> 00:11:48,663
Well, come on.
It's like...
225
00:11:48,705 --> 00:11:51,252
Where has she been
for the past two years?
226
00:11:51,292 --> 00:11:54,548
All right, fine,
I won't volunteer anything.
227
00:11:54,590 --> 00:11:57,553
But if he asks me a direct
question, I'm not lying.
228
00:11:57,595 --> 00:11:59,742
Oh, you won't have to. I'll
do all the talking for you.
229
00:11:59,766 --> 00:12:03,021
Well,
you'll be good at that.
230
00:12:03,063 --> 00:12:06,694
And I guess it might
be fun to just sit back
231
00:12:06,736 --> 00:12:08,197
and watch Tarzan here
232
00:12:08,239 --> 00:12:11,411
crumble before the full force
of the U.S. government.
233
00:12:11,453 --> 00:12:14,667
Okay, that's it.
Anwar I can deal with.
234
00:12:14,708 --> 00:12:16,879
Tonto, in the ballpark,
but Tarzan...
235
00:12:16,921 --> 00:12:19,008
Tarzan is a white guy.
236
00:12:21,972 --> 00:12:25,019
Don't sass me, Tarzan.
237
00:12:27,022 --> 00:12:29,026
Michael,
there is no way
238
00:12:29,067 --> 00:12:30,987
Brooke said
you're off the hook.
239
00:12:31,029 --> 00:12:33,993
Okay, I bet she said, "I'm gonna
take every penny you have,
240
00:12:34,035 --> 00:12:36,956
"you irresponsible bastard,"
because that's what I would say.
241
00:12:36,998 --> 00:12:41,047
No. She definitely said
"off the hook."
242
00:12:41,088 --> 00:12:44,887
Man, I am one tall,
cute, lucky kid.
243
00:12:44,928 --> 00:12:47,641
So that's it, man?
244
00:12:47,683 --> 00:12:49,704
It's like this thing with you
and Brooke never happened?
245
00:12:49,729 --> 00:12:51,648
Yeah. Wait, no.
246
00:12:51,690 --> 00:12:55,029
I mean, there's still gonna
be a baby out there. But...
247
00:12:55,072 --> 00:12:57,616
My life's
back to normal.
248
00:12:57,658 --> 00:13:00,163
Sorta.
249
00:13:00,205 --> 00:13:02,042
I mean,
it's kind of weird.
250
00:13:02,084 --> 00:13:04,546
I'm not gonna think about it
'cause I don't need to.
251
00:13:04,588 --> 00:13:07,134
I should be happy
right now.
252
00:13:07,176 --> 00:13:09,972
You know what?
I am happy right now.
253
00:13:10,014 --> 00:13:13,061
Yeah. I think.
254
00:13:13,103 --> 00:13:15,899
Yeah, think, feel,
look deep inside,
255
00:13:15,941 --> 00:13:19,197
like deep, deep
inside almost to China.
256
00:13:19,239 --> 00:13:21,575
There's a good guy
in there.
257
00:13:21,617 --> 00:13:24,664
You know what?
Don't lecture me, okay?
258
00:13:24,706 --> 00:13:26,667
I went to her, and I
tried to talk to her,
259
00:13:26,709 --> 00:13:28,922
and she said it was
cool, which is awesome,
260
00:13:28,964 --> 00:13:32,553
because this could, like,
screw up my whole life.
261
00:13:32,595 --> 00:13:34,598
Yeah, man, you know,
you gotta stay focused
262
00:13:34,640 --> 00:13:37,437
if you're gonna invent
those quadruple oreos.
263
00:13:38,772 --> 00:13:41,987
Those are a secret, man.
264
00:13:42,028 --> 00:13:44,282
No, yeah,
this is good.
265
00:13:44,325 --> 00:13:46,328
Why put yourself out
for some kid?
266
00:13:46,369 --> 00:13:47,973
Children grow up
without dads all the time.
267
00:13:47,997 --> 00:13:49,708
Right.
268
00:13:49,750 --> 00:13:51,128
Yeah,
like Steven.
269
00:13:51,170 --> 00:13:54,258
Well, I don't want him
ending up like Hyde.
270
00:13:54,300 --> 00:13:59,100
With hair all frizzed out
with angry thoughts.
271
00:13:59,976 --> 00:14:01,980
Ow!
272
00:14:02,022 --> 00:14:04,401
And violent, too.
273
00:14:04,443 --> 00:14:08,073
Kelso, you know
what you should do,
274
00:14:08,115 --> 00:14:10,137
but you're not gonna do it
'cause you're too much of a tool.
275
00:14:10,161 --> 00:14:12,164
You know what?
It's real easy
276
00:14:12,206 --> 00:14:13,267
to talk about
the right thing to do
277
00:14:13,291 --> 00:14:15,962
when it's not
your life.
278
00:14:16,004 --> 00:14:18,258
Tool.
279
00:14:18,300 --> 00:14:21,472
Oh, Steven, you're
sensitive to this
280
00:14:21,514 --> 00:14:23,226
because your father
ditched you, too.
281
00:14:23,267 --> 00:14:25,521
That is so foxy.
282
00:14:25,562 --> 00:14:28,318
Hey, why don't we
go down to my room,
283
00:14:28,360 --> 00:14:30,196
I'll tell you
about the time
284
00:14:30,238 --> 00:14:32,199
my mom got so loaded
on mouthwash,
285
00:14:32,241 --> 00:14:35,955
she lost our rent money
at the track.
286
00:14:35,997 --> 00:14:38,377
Okay, you two claim to
be married and living here.
287
00:14:38,419 --> 00:14:40,964
To verify this,
288
00:14:41,006 --> 00:14:42,551
I'm going to
separate you all
289
00:14:42,592 --> 00:14:44,971
and ask you a series of
questions about the couple.
290
00:14:45,013 --> 00:14:47,935
Let me remind you,
you're all under oath.
291
00:14:47,976 --> 00:14:48,895
Under oath?
292
00:14:48,937 --> 00:14:51,358
I mean...
293
00:14:51,400 --> 00:14:55,156
Under oath, bravo.
294
00:14:57,201 --> 00:14:59,581
Okay, first question...
295
00:14:59,622 --> 00:15:02,043
What kind of toothpaste
does Fez use?
296
00:15:02,085 --> 00:15:04,004
I brush my teeth
with colgate.
297
00:15:04,046 --> 00:15:07,344
It is the only thing that
cuts through the milk duds.
298
00:15:07,386 --> 00:15:09,264
Who the hell cares
about toothpaste?
299
00:15:09,306 --> 00:15:10,934
This kid and
my daughter are...
300
00:15:10,976 --> 00:15:13,354
Happy, happy, happy!
301
00:15:13,396 --> 00:15:16,151
I... wait,
why am I under oath?
302
00:15:16,193 --> 00:15:19,073
'Cause if I say crest and
the answer is minty crest,
303
00:15:19,115 --> 00:15:21,327
I mean, that's like,
uh, perjury.
304
00:15:21,368 --> 00:15:23,372
What's gonna happen
to me?
305
00:15:23,414 --> 00:15:26,002
Oh, my god, why are you
writing this down?
306
00:15:26,043 --> 00:15:28,840
How long did Fez and Laurie
date before they got married?
307
00:15:28,881 --> 00:15:31,094
Who needs to date?
I had her in the sack
308
00:15:31,136 --> 00:15:34,183
faster than you can say
"corn on the cob."
309
00:15:34,224 --> 00:15:37,271
Speaking of dates, I make
an incredible date-nut bread.
310
00:15:37,313 --> 00:15:40,402
The secret is to soak the
dates in some good strong rum.
311
00:15:40,444 --> 00:15:43,032
Which reminds me,
who needs a drink?
312
00:15:43,073 --> 00:15:45,620
I know I do.
313
00:15:45,662 --> 00:15:47,956
I... I don't know
how long they dated.
314
00:15:47,998 --> 00:15:51,296
I... oh, my god, I'm going
to prison, aren't I?
315
00:15:51,338 --> 00:15:54,176
I'm gonna get shanked.
316
00:15:54,218 --> 00:15:56,180
What is Fez's
favorite TV show?
317
00:15:56,222 --> 00:15:57,932
Well, it depends.
318
00:15:57,974 --> 00:16:00,646
Basically, I just flip
until I see nipples.
319
00:16:00,688 --> 00:16:06,531
Sometimes, I feel like
a loaf of bread.
320
00:16:06,573 --> 00:16:09,244
Everyone keeps taking
a slice of me
321
00:16:09,285 --> 00:16:12,750
until all that's left are two
crusty pieces that nobody wants.
322
00:16:12,791 --> 00:16:15,129
And I just want to scream,
"appreciate me, damn it."
323
00:16:15,171 --> 00:16:16,965
But I don't. Why?
324
00:16:17,007 --> 00:16:19,095
Because my mother
always told me
325
00:16:19,136 --> 00:16:21,600
that nice girls
shouldn't make a fuss.
326
00:16:21,641 --> 00:16:25,355
And now, I am
a flippin' doormat!
327
00:16:25,397 --> 00:16:27,568
Okay, look, man.
328
00:16:27,610 --> 00:16:31,658
Prison is not
an option for me, okay?
329
00:16:31,700 --> 00:16:35,039
I can't pee
in front of other people.
330
00:16:35,081 --> 00:16:37,000
Well...
331
00:16:37,042 --> 00:16:40,257
Despite a few
interesting answers
332
00:16:40,299 --> 00:16:43,387
and one recipe...
333
00:16:43,429 --> 00:16:48,061
My judgment is that your
marriage is legitimate.
334
00:16:48,104 --> 00:16:49,607
Congratulations.
335
00:16:49,649 --> 00:16:54,323
All right,
pepe and I are Americans.
336
00:16:54,364 --> 00:16:58,956
No wonder this country's
going in the toilet.
337
00:16:58,998 --> 00:17:00,542
What was that, sir?
338
00:17:00,584 --> 00:17:03,422
Nothing. Nothing. He said
he has to use the toilet.
339
00:17:03,464 --> 00:17:07,304
That's why he's been
so quiet.
340
00:17:07,346 --> 00:17:09,975
If you're trying to protect
your daughter, don't worry.
341
00:17:10,017 --> 00:17:11,561
We never go after
the bride,
342
00:17:11,603 --> 00:17:15,318
especially
such a pretty one.
343
00:17:15,360 --> 00:17:16,903
If there was
a crime committed,
344
00:17:16,945 --> 00:17:19,241
we'd only be interested
in this one.
345
00:17:19,283 --> 00:17:22,163
So if there's something you
want to say, by all means, say it.
346
00:17:22,205 --> 00:17:23,957
Fine, I will.
347
00:17:31,763 --> 00:17:35,520
I just wanted to say...
348
00:17:35,562 --> 00:17:39,527
These two kids
are married and...
349
00:17:39,569 --> 00:17:42,365
Very much in love.
350
00:17:42,407 --> 00:17:46,080
In fact, I've never seen
a love like this.
351
00:17:47,833 --> 00:17:51,631
Thank you, Mr. Red.
It means a lot.
352
00:17:51,673 --> 00:17:53,594
Hey, what about
thanking me?
353
00:17:53,635 --> 00:17:58,560
This guy tried
to break me.
354
00:17:58,602 --> 00:18:03,026
But lucky for you, double-o
foreman is rock solid.
355
00:18:05,196 --> 00:18:09,455
Wow, you really
are pregnant.
356
00:18:09,496 --> 00:18:12,501
They make them
really tiny now.
357
00:18:12,543 --> 00:18:15,005
Quarter pound,
my ass.
358
00:18:16,174 --> 00:18:18,511
Hey.
359
00:18:18,553 --> 00:18:20,223
I need to talk to you.
360
00:18:20,265 --> 00:18:22,435
Kelso, that's great!
361
00:18:22,477 --> 00:18:25,566
Here, take my seat.
Sit down. Come on.
362
00:18:25,608 --> 00:18:28,279
I'll just be
right over there.
363
00:18:28,321 --> 00:18:30,407
Good for you.
364
00:18:33,538 --> 00:18:35,834
All right.
365
00:18:35,875 --> 00:18:38,798
At first, when you told me
that I was off the hook,
366
00:18:38,840 --> 00:18:40,884
I was like
totally psyched, right?
367
00:18:40,926 --> 00:18:42,888
But then I started
to think about it,
368
00:18:42,930 --> 00:18:47,061
and I don't wanna be
off the hook.
369
00:18:47,103 --> 00:18:49,274
I wanna be a part
of this kid's life.
370
00:18:49,316 --> 00:18:52,196
Michael, I didn't let you
off the hook to be nice.
371
00:18:52,237 --> 00:18:54,324
I just don't think you
understand what it means
372
00:18:54,366 --> 00:18:55,618
to have a baby.
373
00:18:55,660 --> 00:18:58,289
No, but I do.
374
00:18:58,331 --> 00:19:01,253
It means taking him
to t-ball games
375
00:19:01,295 --> 00:19:03,674
and teaching him
how to ride a bike
376
00:19:03,716 --> 00:19:06,094
and taking him to the
doctor when he's sick.
377
00:19:06,136 --> 00:19:07,681
And what if
it's a girl?
378
00:19:07,723 --> 00:19:10,310
Oh, it's not gonna be a girl.
We did it standing up.
379
00:19:14,317 --> 00:19:16,613
Uh-huh.
380
00:19:16,655 --> 00:19:19,577
Okay, maybe this will
change your mind.
381
00:19:19,618 --> 00:19:22,289
I went and got
some stuff today
382
00:19:22,331 --> 00:19:25,295
to welcome the little guy
into the world...
383
00:19:25,337 --> 00:19:29,678
This little sweater
to keep him warm.
384
00:19:29,720 --> 00:19:34,352
And this little hat to keep
the sun off of his face.
385
00:19:34,394 --> 00:19:35,981
And I got some pop rocks
386
00:19:36,023 --> 00:19:39,236
'cause I always wanted to see
a baby eat pop rocks.
387
00:19:41,657 --> 00:19:44,287
Michael,
if you get involved,
388
00:19:44,328 --> 00:19:46,457
I'm just gonna have two
babies to take care of
389
00:19:46,499 --> 00:19:48,377
instead of one.
390
00:19:48,419 --> 00:19:51,591
Look, you can try
to get rid of me,
391
00:19:51,633 --> 00:19:54,345
but I'm not
walking away from this.
392
00:19:54,387 --> 00:19:56,892
I'm sorry.
393
00:19:56,934 --> 00:20:00,398
I just don't want you to
be the father of my child.
394
00:20:11,751 --> 00:20:13,880
This is all your fault.
395
00:20:13,922 --> 00:20:17,929
Yeah, "go talk to her
and do the right thing."
396
00:20:17,971 --> 00:20:21,602
Kelso, I'm so sorry.
397
00:20:21,644 --> 00:20:23,665
I wish there was something I
could do to make you feel better.
398
00:20:23,689 --> 00:20:25,526
Well, there isn't.
399
00:20:25,567 --> 00:20:28,364
Okay, fine.
400
00:20:28,405 --> 00:20:29,700
I'll give you
10 seconds
401
00:20:29,741 --> 00:20:31,577
to squeeze my ass
as much as you want.
402
00:20:42,055 --> 00:20:44,392
I never thought
I'd say this,
403
00:20:44,433 --> 00:20:47,313
but there's some things
that a girl's ass can't fix.
404
00:20:53,324 --> 00:20:54,970
Well, Fez, congratulations
on your green card.
405
00:20:54,994 --> 00:20:57,099
But remember, this is america,
and you still look foreign,
406
00:20:57,123 --> 00:20:59,710
so don't expect
to be treated equally.
407
00:20:59,753 --> 00:21:00,921
Well, I'm going
to become
408
00:21:00,962 --> 00:21:03,760
america's sexiest
singing cowboy.
409
00:21:03,801 --> 00:21:07,306
Howdy, ladies.
Meet pepe.
410
00:21:07,348 --> 00:21:09,811
You know, what's going on
with Brooke really hurts,
411
00:21:09,853 --> 00:21:11,791
but I think in a couple days
when I start to heal,
412
00:21:11,815 --> 00:21:14,128
I'm gonna be really psyched
that Donna let me squeeze her ass.
413
00:21:14,152 --> 00:21:17,658
I mean, even now, i'm
reflecting upon how soft it was.
414
00:21:17,700 --> 00:21:21,916
So what kind of chance do you
think I have with the blonde?
30044
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